The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me: DAY 18

May 6, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for what I perceive as me being fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what I perceive as me having allowed myself to become fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself as fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself as a body image from which I look at myself “from the outside” as though I am looking “in” on myself as in a mirror or on a picture, thus in fact not seeing or looking here or seeing or looking at what is real, because what is real is the physical that is not an image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, define and perceive that it is me who is fat and ugly within defining myself according to a body-image that only exist within and as the reflection I mirror myself in, in and through the mind based on the acceptance of and the submission of myself to competitive beauty systems where only a photo shopped, slim, tanned body can be “real” and “perfect” and where all other bodies and body-forms are “wrong” and “flawed”

I forgive myself that I, within defining and accepting myself as fat and ugly, have accepted and allowed myself to believe, define, see and perceive myself as a “second class citizen”, as “worth-less” because I do not fit into the mold of the photo-shopped woman in the picture that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is real and the only real way to be worthy and perfect, not seeing, realizing or accepting the reality, worth or perfection of me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, accept, perceive and define “fat people” as second class citizens that do not have a right to happiness, fulfillment, money, enjoyment, sex or worth simply because they are fat and as such when I got fat have consequently placed myself into the same category believing and accepting that I do not have a right to accept myself or worth myself, simply because I am fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, judge, experience and accept the word ‘fat’ as inferior, less-than (ironically), shameful, disgusting, low-life within and as spite and because I have fat on myself human physical body that I myself have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate, define, experience, see and accept myself as inferior, less-than, shameful, disgusting and low-life and within that deliberately spite myself in judging myself for being fat

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to release the word ‘fat’ from my hold on it through, within and as the ego, from where I have allowed myself to brutally judge, spite and perceive ‘fat’ as ‘flawed’, ‘shameful’ and ‘wrong’ and that the people who are fat are rightfully to be pushed down and feel ashamed of themselves and accept their place as lesser beings, within the judgment of them as “weak” and “disgusting” and thus because I define and accept myself as “fat”, equally believe and accept myself as “weak” and disgusting and a “lesser being”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself see or realize that fat on a human physical body is a manifestation of consequence as the acceptance of who and what self has allowed self to be and become in and as self-suppression as holding onto layer upon layer of information that self has not allowed self to release and within the addiction to self-abuse through self-pity and self-hate as overeating in and as greed and self-spite – not seeing that fat is not an energetic or personal manifestation, but in fact the accumulation of my abuse against myself – and thus in fact wanting to not be fat without actually investigating myself as fatness, is avoiding and abdicating self-responsibility and in fact continuing to abuse myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about looking down at and spiting fat people and as such feel good about looking down at and spiting myself – justifying this in self-righteousness in the self-deceptive belief that not being fat mean that one is superior and better-than those that are fat and as such feel good because I feel better about myself when I judge fat people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and angry and depressed when I see myself in the mirror and immediately judge myself and feel disgusted by what I see, believing that what I see through my judging eyes of the mind, is in fact what is real and what I really am – ugly, fat, old and disgusting and a loser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself ashamed within exposing and revealing how I actually see and experience myself, because I have feared exposing and revealing this, believing that if I kept it secret, it would not be real and others might not see me as fat, disgusting, old and a loser – when in fact it was myself I was hiding from, within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, define, judge, accept and experience fact people as sloths that don’t deserve to live or exist or be happy and to feel violated when I see a fat person expressing themselves or accepting themselves, wanting them to accept themselves as inferior and less than – exactly as I as a fat person, accept myself as inferior and less than those who are not fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed and preoccupied with being and becoming skinny and beautiful and within that constantly think about being skinny and beautiful and compare myself to those I see, define, perceive, judge and accept as more than me because they are skinny

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and perceive that I need to and must become skinny and beautiful to be of any worth in this world and to believe that I must do anything to achieve this as a goal of being a woman – as an ultimate goal of being a woman, yet within not having been willing to face the origin of why I have allowed myself to become fat, have continued to gain weight within being simply obsessed with “weight”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to myself and everyone around me that I do in fact accept myself and that I don’t care about my weight or my looks, when in fact it is all I think about, all the time, all day long, torturing myself with thoughts about how ugly and disgusting I look within focusing in my mind, and through the mind with my physical eyes, examining, judging and measuring every part of my body finding it all flawed, disgusting and ugly – not realizing what I am in fact allowing myself to do to myself – diminishing, spiting, bullying, brutalizing and abusing myself in the justification of self-righteousness as the brutality of the competition of the system, wherein and from I tell myself over and over again, that as long as I am fat, I am simply not good enough, not worthy of existing, not worthy of being loved, not allowed to enjoy myself in having sex and that I should continue abusing myself because that is all I am worth – resulting in me actually abusing myself through over-eating and as such completing the vicious cycle of self-abuse where I am the mouth that bites the hand that feeds me that is myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that being fat – as the physical manifestation of the accumulation of consequence, is not about looks and how looks are valued in the world system based on competition , where there can only be winners and losers and that being fat is in fact about me having allowed myself to abuse myself, through punishing myself within and as the mind, refusing to let go of the past, holding myself on lock-down and locked-in inside the layers of the human physical body, in and through which I have patted myself with fat as information upon information layers as who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, understand or admit, that while I have been preoccupying myself with self-judgment and desire for beauty, money, power and success – as being a winner in this world, I have allowed myself to exist in complete and total self-abuse in and as a lock-down of suppression within and as my human physical body a myself – as what is real – in consuming everything in fear of losing myself and as such in greed and fear of not having enough, resulting in the layering of fat around the body with the consequence of harming myself in ways I have not even begun to understand or experience in full awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only by keeping all physical experiences down, suppressed, controlled, enslaved, defeated, would I be able to survive and succeed as such in this world, thus never having allowed myself to get to know or experience myself within and as the physical body, even though that was and has been my deepest and most real desire – to get to know and express myself and explore myself here as life in self-enjoyment, unconditionally and innocently in interaction with myself as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that how I have allowed myself to exist within and as a separate part in and as this human physical body as an entity located in the head, has been in absolute and total terror, torture and self-abuse, where I, with every breath I have taken – yes taken – and never given or embraced within and as me, have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself down, diminish and suppress myself because I feared facing the reality of me as the physical – not only the human physical body – but the physical as the total manifestation of what is here and thus face what I have accepted and allowed and as such justify for myself that it is better and easier to remain in fear, suppression and self-diminishment, to always keep the truth about myself – the truth that I am walking and living with and within every day – under control

I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to face the truth about myself – the truth that is existing HERE evident as this human physical body and how I have tortured myself to fit and mold myself into an image of control and power – never seeing or realizing that everything and all I have been doing is enslaving myself to a delusion – a cruel and unnecessary delusion – that I at any point could have stopped, but in my acceptance of the delusion as myself, feared losing myself if I, as the first one admitted that it was not real – not realizing the absolute absurdity of my claim over life as the enslavement of myself into the confinements of consciousness – only and merely to not lose face or image, to the other parts of myself that I have separated myself from, into and as – not realizing that those parts are myself and that if no-one of us budges we will keep existing in the delusion that we are flawed and lacking and thus must abuse each other to fill ourselves up – when in fact, all parts are me and I am all parts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing my partner my naked body and to do all and anything to hide it, in the delusional and deceptive belief that I can hide how I perceive myself to look like as fat and ugly from my partner and that if I am lucky he will not notice how I look, if I tug there and suck in here and place my body like this or cover it up like that – when in fact is that I cannot hide my body or how I look and that the person I have been wanting to hide from, was in fact myself and my own self-image of and as myself as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I am in fact fat and ugly and disgusting and a loser because that is who and how and what I have accepted myself as and as long I accept and allow myself to bow down to the system of competition that exist within and as brutality and absolute evil in and as spitefulness – which is in fact is my own creation – I will never be anything else but fat and ugly and a loser – because that is my prerogative and responsibility as a creator, to decide who and what I will accept myself as and what now – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept everyone else that can possibly or in any way have the same or similar experience as me, to hate themselves, despise themselves, accept themselves as less than – because of my acceptance and allowance of my submission to the system of competition and consumerism through and in which the beauty system exists

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I, within the acceptance of myself as fat, ugly, disgusting, a loser – have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as self-spite, absolute brutal self-abuse and deception and as such have accepted everyone else who are fat or ugly in the eyes of the system and everyone in fact, to accept themselves the exact same way – because the world exist as a direct reflection and consequence of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and disgusted every time I feel my stomach against my pants or shirt reminding me of how fat I am or when I feel the skin wobbling on my legs reminding me of how fat I am – not realizing that fat is merely fat as a particular manifestation of form as the consequence of who and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as and that the problem of fatness is NOT how I look – but who and what I have accepted myself as, in and as self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let every girl and woman in the world hate their human physical bodies and torture their human physical bodies in all and every way possible to fit into an impossible ideal of delusion of perfection based on the pushing of photo-shopped images, that we, through consumerism have accepted as real and possible in our collective self-delusion and self-abusive reality that we have forced in and onto the physical as our human physical bodies and this earth through within and as our complete and total abdication to and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize and see the extent to and within which I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through my participation in, submission to and acceptance of the system of competition in which there can only be winners and losers and according to the rules of beauty that I have directly accepted as real, valid and valuable – I can only be a loser, because I am not skinny or young or beautiful in the way the competition system of beauty measures it – according to my very own decreed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness within seeing what I have accepted and allowed and in experiencing that this point is so extensively integrated into my acceptance of myself, that I don’t know what to do to stop and purify myself and bring myself back to an innocent, unconditional acceptance of myself – instead of allowing myself to see and realize that this is in fact what I am doing here and that I have suppressed and hid this point so extensively from myself and refused to look at it and myself within and as it and a such that this is why I am experiencing that I am opening a can of worms that are exploding in my face – and not allowing myself to go into and as an emotional reaction and instead PUSH all the way through, not allowing myself to be moved or influenced by facing myself in self-honesty and actually allow myself to see and face myself in absolute brutal self-honesty in seeing that I AM IN FACT purifying myself here and that it will take however long it takes – and that I WILL WALK THROUGH IT NO MATTER WHAT – because what the fuck else is it that we are doing here? What is the alternative? That I keep accepting and allowing myself to continue this self-abuse and as such allowing it equally in everyone else. That is NOT Acceptable in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize or admit to myself the extensive and total self-abuse that I have done onto myself as the physical body – through suppressing myself, through accepting myself as addicted to energy, through judging, hating and despising myself, through being greedy within fear of losing, feeling sorry for myself and punishing myself through forcing myself to over-eat – with the consequence that I am in fact in every moment killing myself, torturing myself and hurting myself that I accept and allow myself to continue participating

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize and admit to myself in self-honesty what I, in my participation in and acceptance of myself in and as my participation in thoughts am in fact doing to myself as the physical, even though I live with the consequences every single day as pain and overweight and rapid deterioration of the physical as myself

And as such, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately refuse and deny myself to see what I am accepting and allowing in every moment I accept and allow myself to participate within and as and from the mind and what I am in fact doing to myself as the physical – when in fact I am completely and 100 % aware of what I am doing and I simply don’t care because I have diluted myself into the belief that I cannot live without the mind, without energy, without emotions or feelings, without indulging myself in food and sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince and deceive myself into believing that the most important thing in the world is for me to lose my weight so that I can be skinny and beautiful and be a winner and so that I no longer have to despise and hate myself because I am a loser because that is the rules and paradigm that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the point of weight and overweight and losing weight overshadow all and everything else and not care about anything or anyone else than me losing weight – totally and completely disregarding what is here and why we are here and what we are doing here in terms of creating a world that is best for all – which is the only relevant point that matters while in fact my preoccupation with beauty and looks and weight is detrimental to what is best for all and as such totally and completely unacceptable – not to mention the fact that it is based on something that is not real, real life, real value or real in anyway what so ever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the cause and effect of me being fat, is not that I am worth-less as a human being or a loser in fact, but that I have abused myself and that this is what is evident and visible in and on my human physical body and by defining myself according to beauty as worth, I have completely disregarded what I have actually accepted and allowed and who and what I am in fact here as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a right to abuse myself in and as the physical through over-eating, doing drugs, over-sleeping, over-drinking because I believe that that is my prerogative within and as believing that I have free-will and choice to do with myself as life whatever the fuck I want – not allowing myself to see or admit to myself in self-honesty that what I have been doing with my free-choice and will is to enslave myself to a delusional reality in which I have in no way lived what is best for all and only lived according to my delusional idea of satisfaction based on the fear of losing myself in and as separation of and from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to accept the fact that I, as the human physical body I live within and as, am in fact fat and that this has nothing to do with my worth as life, but with my acceptance and allowance as worth-less and of my abuse and disregard of myself that stands as the evidence for all the world to see, how much I have hated myself and despised myself and what I have done to myself for no reason at all as well as to everyone else, because of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to honor myself as the human physical body, fat or not fat simply by the fact that I am here as life and as such honor myself as what is best for all, through changing myself into and as an effective physical form, in and through which I can support myself to live an effective life and support what is best for all

I commit myself to honor myself in and as this human physical body and to transform myself into and as a physical form that lives and stands within the principle of what is best for all in all ways

I commit myself to make a plan for my entire physical body, as individual forms that each requires absolute care and consideration as to what is best for each form to live and function in a way that is best for all

I commit myself to stop all reactions to my own reflection in my minds judging eyes and in the judgment of the mind that I have superimposed onto my human physical body when I see my own reflection in a mirror on in a window

I commit myself to eat only that food which is of support of my human physical body and to honor myself through the giving of nourishment to myself through the grace of food and I commit myself to eat in gratefulness – and not in greed based on fear of losing myself

I commit myself to stop seeing myself as a image within, from and as the mind, in and as separation of and from myself as a projection of reality that is not in any way real – and to support myself to be and live here in and as the physical and in and through self-intimacy get to know myself as the physical

I commit myself to stop all self-abuse through participating in energetic reactions as emotions and feelings and self-judgment and desire through thoughts and indulgence and being hard on myself in physical actions and I commit myself to stop judging myself for being fat and to stand by the consequence of my acceptances and allowances as the manifestation of myself as this human physical body and to support myself to bring myself to living in and as absolute self-support as what is best for all as myself as the human physical body

I commit myself to stand by and support human beings that have accepted and allowed themselves to live and exist as I have in and as self-abuse of the human physical body – to stop and stand up in and as self-respect, dignity, integrity and honor of themselves as life

I commit myself to expose the beauty system and its brutality and how we have collectively accepted and allowed ourselves to submit ourselves to a lie and a deception based on consumerism in and through which we are diminishing ourselves in valuing only beauty and fitting into and as a certain specific, yet completely unattainable and delusional body-form that has nothing to do with what is best for all in any way what so ever and that only serves to feed the system with consumers and energy within and as competition between winners and losers where everyone always loses because there is no such thing as winning

I commit myself to support all women in supporting and accepting themselves to stand up as life as what is best for all to accept themselves in and as the physical as life, as I walk the process of standing up and accepting myself in and as the physical as life

Thank you.

Visit us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk

Like a dear caught in the Headlights

April 27, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

This title is probably the most precise way to describe how I have experienced myself the last month or so. Like a dear caught in the headlights, stiff, alert, ready to run for a safe place to hide. I experience myself in this state of ‘freeze’, not moving, standing absolutely still not be seen, heard – caught. I stopped smoking the 1. February. Started again 21 days after, smoking for 3 days, had massive headaches every time i smoked, stopped again for aproximately a month. Meanwhile I started on what I have called a diet, but what was not supposed to be a diet, because it was ultimately about me doing something for myself for the first time in my life, about me supporting me, as life, Here, The Physical – I even started exercising, which was not part of the original plan, but which made sense as i started to lose weight. Then slowly but surely I unwinded myself, recreated the cocoon of apereant ‘comfort’ and ‘safety’ that I had found in this self-abuse disguised as ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’ – (poor me, I deserve a cookie, I can’t stop eating cookies, poor me). As I have looked at what really happened, my ‘rational’ explaination has been that I had made it about someone else – because as soon as I was not in the company of those that had pushed and supported me directly within this, I crawled back into my hidingplace, behind weight, food and cigarettes. Since I have been struggling with moral scruples and inner fights and debates. But what I have done in fact, is that I have let the thoughts, the addiction, the fear – take over. Making it about someone else having taken responsiblity for it and clamining myself to weak to Stand on my own two feet, is yet another way of attemptying to shift responsiblity. Because the matter of the fact is that what I was doing – was in fact working. I was becoming stronger, could see more clearly and began actually caring for myself in fact. What I however experiecned was that the emotions that came with the withdrawl, was too much for me to handle. What I have found absurd and still do, is that I had all the tools available to deal with my experiences – maybe as Breath, Breathing through the point, as I have done before and as I have witnessed other do first hand – simply not participating, not accepting myself as that thought, as that emotion – and breathing it through until it disapates. I found myself unable to do that. And I have wondered how the emotions was like the child screaming, because it cannot get what it wants and would have eventually capitualted, except that I gave in, again and again, because I could not bear the sound of the screams of dissatiscfaction. So I started smoking again, first one cigarette, then two, then hiding it from the people around me – which I then discovered has always been a part of the Addiction signature, that it is kept alive by hiding it, by playing myself up against other people in my mind – as though they were the ones responsible for me having made this decision for myself. Then I gave into it, and I smoked a pack in a couple of hours, ate a whole back of cookes, got a massive head ache and stomach cramps in returned – yet continued the next day, as though nothing had happened. Then I stopped smoking for a day or two, but it was constantly on my mind, lurking, calling and once I said ‘yes okay’ in ‘mercy’ to one thought, the next followed and then the next and before I knew it – I was back. All the weight I had lost, I had regained. It was almost as If I have not been able to handle actually being capable of doing something on my own and it actually worked! I don’t think two months is enough to change a habit and addiction like this one. Obviously it depends on what is invested, believed and accepted about the addiction – but for me, having smoked for 16 years, since I was 12, having used cigarettes as a point of stability, familiarity, safety, power, control and utlimately as a tool to suppress everything of myself that I did not want to see or face – it might take more than two months, before the emotional chaos and the anxiety that comes with the withdrawl disapeates. But I did not stay patient or on track. I have been so used to making idealistic agreements with myself, then breaking them, laying low for a while in shame and then coming up with a new idealistic fantasy – that part was easy. I have realized a lot about myself the last few weeks that has been mildly put apaling – a roundtrip to the core of self-interest, self-pity and loathing, self-deception and abuse, to find out – that I have never actually dedicated myself to anything real in this world, I have never disciplined myself to walk through something difficult or uncomfortable. Instead I have searched the backdoors and short cuts that would make my path as easy and painless as possible – Not knowing that the easiest path is actually the longest route, because no matter what I do or where I go – I always end up Here.

In terms of this blog and series about Transformation, which is another way I have rushed ahead of myself in an attempt to prove myself worthty and in this case, of actually having changed and stood up – I will keep writing. I have not written anything lately because I was ashamed, I was as the dear caught in the headlights and I wanted to present myself only once I again had success with my process of transformation – Instead of Realizing that this, what I am experiencing now is a part of the Process and as I Fall – I Stand up again.

Tags: addictions, anxiety, attractive, body, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, diet, drugs, emotions, fat, fear, food, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, transformation, weight, weightloss, withdrawal
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On Exercise

March 26, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I have been exercising everyday now for 3 weeks or so. I have been pushing myself more and more within it. It is great because Esteni is doing it with me and she has a lot of experience with aerobics and she is pushing me as well. From the beginning I have been unclear about my own starting-point for doing this, because there is definitely a motive in me for becoming pretty and attractive. But as I am doing the actual exercises, some totally different points emerge within me, and I Realize that I can utilize this even though my startingpoint was fucked and simply change myself within it. It is still a very new experience for me. What happens is that when I am doing the exercises I can only doing it effectively if I am actually in the movements myself. It is simply not possible if I am doing it half way. And as I allow myself to do it all the way, with myself completely in the movements, I experience myself being Here. In my fingertips , in my toes, in my chest. Today I had been emotional throughout the day and as the time came to do the exercise I was very close to say no. I am sure I am not the only one who has had this experience, where if you are depressed or whatever, then the last thing you want to do, is actually move yourself physically. That’s one of the reasons why people don’t move much, I think. So I did it anyway, but as we were starting, I felt so crappy. It was like the experience brought up how I really felt about and experienced myself, which I had suppressed and ignored without actually being aware of it. What was so strange was that the thoughts was there, but I was tensing myself so that I was not present in my body at all. And then as I started moving, with resistance as we were exercising, I could suddenly feel physically how I ‘d actually experienced myself emotionally or how I’d accepted myself on an emotional level. The experience was profound. I felt clumsy, embarrassed, restrained, ashamed as I started doing the exercises. As we have been doing it, I often feel frustrated and embarrassed when I don’t know how to do the exercises. I have always had trouble with dance moves and coordination moves and another point is that I don’t like it when I am not good at something. But today it was even more extensive . But because I had also had the experience in previous sessions where I had actually done it for myself, being in the movements for and by myself, I was able to push and move myself through it. It is strange, it is like an example of how you can take a shitty experience or where you are fucking around with yourself – and actually change it into an experience and expression of Great Support. I have been doing different exercises. At first I was swimming every day, but now it has become more chilly. What was so cool about it was that I had decided to exercise minimum 30 min. Every day and then within that I could do whatever I wanted to. That gave it a lot of flexibility. So as I was swimming I just changed it around every now and then. Then I would do some sit ups and push ups in the evening. The way I do it now is more like having a personal trainer, which is extremely cool. Esteni knows so many movements and she challenges me in a cool way where it is actually a lot of fun. As we do the exercises I am surprised to find myself actually doing aerobics and even enjoying it

I will be sharing more about my experiences with Resistance and how I experience myself within exercising and physical movements.

Tags: aerobis, body, depression, diet, exercise, fun, gymnastics, movements, music, weightloss
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Addiction 101 – When Food is not just Food

March 14, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

It started with a piece of cheese.

Yesterday as I woke up, I was going to eat breakfast. I ‘asked my body’ what it wanted and the ‘reply’ I got was ‘cheese’. See I ‘love’ cheese, and I always got a stomach ache from eating rich cheeses and dairy products such as ice cream, so it was like a specific point and example of self-abuse and self-interest, where I ate cheese even though it gave me a stomach pain, with the justification that I was allowed to, because it is my body and I decide what I do with it and it is only a little cheese and it tastes so good that I just can’t help myself. This whole thing fast becomes complicated and a whole world in itself – because besides being type A blood type and therefore being predisposed of not processing dairy very well, in addition I was lactose intolerant as a child, supposedly because my mother, who gave birth to me at the age of 42, ‘ran out’ of breast milk when I was an infant. So I did not eat or drink anything containing dairy until I was 12 and she decided to test out if I was still intolerant. Up until then I only had access to dairy when I sneaked my way to it. So I would eat ice cream at a birthday party without my mother knowing it, and two hours later break out with hives all over my body. Or I would steal a big chunk of cheese from the fridge and keep it hidden so I could eat from it when I wanted to. So it is sufficient to say that cheese has a special place in my heart. I am telling this story to share how easy it is to dilute oneself into believing something is an act of innocence – when in fact a lot of manipulation and deception has gone into it. After what happened yesterday, I am pretty sure that it was not by body claiming that it required cheese and that it was a thought that I interpreted as the body speaking, so that I could justify for myself eating cheese. Anyway, I ate the cheese, just a little bit I told myself. With two pieces of dried toast. Afterwards I got a stomach ache, almost as on schedule, maybe because I felt guilty or for making a big deal out of it – What is really interesting is what happened following the ‘cheese incident’ the rest of the day yesterday and today as well. I experienced the most difficult day so far of keeping my diet, not overeat and not eat from desire for taste, memory and so on. I started making excuses and stepped over the boundaries I have set for myself. In return I felt guilty and my body felt very uncomfortable, heavy and aching. Today I have even considered smoking a cigarette. Last time I did that , it did not take me many hours before I did smoke the cigarette and soon after that was back on my 20 + a day. So I haven’t and I noted this for myself as I had the thought. It all started with me allowing myself to eat a piece of cheese and it has obviously very little to do with the cheese itself. It has to do with who I was in that moment. The day before yesterday I experienced a release and I trusted myself, to simply eat, instead of having to restrict myself according to specific rules and so I expected that I would be able to do the same the following day. It was almost like an arrogant moment of believing that I now have full control over my actions. Because I clearly don’t. And it is not because I am not able to Direct myself in the moment – it is because I have been living this for so long, for so many years that I have created myself around it, I have created a relationship to food, to eating, to smoking, to consuming that is not based on nurturing my body, but on satisfying ideas of satisfaction, of taming and obeying fear and desires – of everything else than being Here. And this is not the first time I have experienced this – and I am not the only one who has experienced this. It is a classical fall for addicts. Once you are over the worst Jonesing, which is mostly physical uncomfortability where you have to simply focus on not consuming your drug of choice, it suddenly becomes more easy, like a breathing space, where things are going well. The thing that I have experienced in stopping addictions and cravings, is that after a while, I get used to this ‘new way of living’ – it is suddenly not new anymore. I do not have to push myself to keep the diet or to not smoke. It is simply a matter of not doing it. For many people, this is where they fall in. When I stopped smoking the first time, I started again after 21 days. All it took was one thought, that I diluted myself to believe was innocent. ‘I’ll just have one cigarette’. So this is the point, where I cannot expect anything of myself. It is still a matter of moment to moment Self-Honesty. And this, by catching myself doing this, by slowing down, not judging and actually seeing what it is I am doing – I can flag all of these possible ‘pits’ for myself, so that I do not have to fall on my ass every couple of days, just to pick myself up again. Why was it the cheese that made me break the deal? Because cheese in my book is not just cheese. It is a symbol within my mind of how I treat myself with something that I am deprived from, a speciality , a luxury, where I am independent and do what is Best for me – Only that is how I created it in my delusion as a child, because it is not what is best for me – it is self-abuse and I did it, because I believed I was treated unfair, that there was something wrong with me, that I was punished because I was not allowed to eat what I wanted to. So it has become a symbol, twisted and distorted, no longer with any relation to what it actually consist of and what is Common Sense. This is how we fuck with ourselves. How we walk into, defend and justify situations and experiences, that is not best for us and certainly not what is Best for All.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, coffee, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, looks, rehab, self trust, self-accept, self-acceptance, smoking, standing up, transformation, ugly, ugly duckling, weight, weightloss
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Becoming the Living Example of Change

March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

My change in lifestyle aka ‘The Diet’ ( means a way of Life in Latin) is not only about not smoking and eating differently. It is about changing myself and my body, from having existed in self-abuse and self-negligence to actually begin expressing and appreciating myself. The Abuse that Exists in this world, the Negligence that Exist in this world, the Inconsideration that Exist in this World – is the same Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration that have Existed in me. And as I clearly See and Understand that it is not an Acceptable way of Living, when I look at the World and the outflow of this Acceptance – I have had difficulty in applying it in/for and as myself. And therefore I have also not been able to Support anyone else, let alone Stand up from within it – because I was still Living it. I was still Accepting Self-Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration as a ‘Way of Life’, in the World as in myself. Therefore this Process is not about losing weight, becoming skinny, pretty, attractive or to gain recognition from someone else. Unfortunately I still see the signs of it in me, (as I have judged it, instead of recognizing it for what it is) as I look into the mirror and enjoyed the fact that I have lost weight or when others comment on it. But I also know that if that was the only reason, I would not be able to do it for long – It would be conditioned and I would not be doing it for me, thus it would just be another way of Abusing myself. But these elements are still ‘there’ – the self-abuse that I have existed within and as, is still there. It is not like just because I made the decision to Stand up – that it is automatically going to happen and I can lean back and enjoy the ride. No – This is something, where I have to watch my every step. There are lots of possible blind spots, where I can dilute myself into Self-Abuse again, and as I have found, it is a matter of consistently, stubbornly and gently to push myself every time it happens. Instead of judging myself, when I fail, lie or make mistakes – I can push myself to Correct and Stand. Because I have made the decision. And I am doing this for me. Because I have never ever done anything for myself in my entire life. And yet, as always, it is all in reverse. Everything I have done and participated within, has been from a starting-point of getting others to see me, to notice me, to appreciate me and accept me. That is Self-Interest. That is being diluted and lost in my own bubble of perceived and self-Accepted inferiority – where all I care about is the energy of someone looking at me, smiling, complimenting me. And everything I do is like an addict hungry for a fix, to get that dose of energy. This is also something that I have not completely stopped. But I see it when it happens and most times I go: “damn, I did it again.” – But I have Realized that it requires my dedication and consistency to ‘make it stop’ – just as it required my active participation in ‘making it start’ – Because I am that which is invested in this mess.
This is how we become Living Examples – We Walk, One Step at the Time. But it cannot be done in dishonesty – we will know it. Living means actually changing Everything, not as an idea or a theory or a wish – but an Active, Actual Change. To do this, it has been extremely assisting for me to have a Physical ‘Marker’ as for example shaving, not smoking, eating, drinking, having sex etc. Because it is in those moments that we see who we are – How do we Act? How do we Respond? What makes us React? And then We Change – and next time it happens, we Change again… until there is nothing left and we are Simply Here.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, boyfriends, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, depression, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, independence, integrity, looks, losing weight, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, sex, transformation, weightloss
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Obsession and Addictions to Stimulation

March 7, 2010 in Uncategorized

I have been absolutely obsessed with food these days. A lot of my thoughts go to when to eat, what to eat and how much. There is a constant concern within me of worrying if I will get enough. The excuse is that I might get ill or tired, but the fact is that I simply fear not getting enough. I have also noticed that it is mostly a matter of being stimulated, comforted and entertained by whatever I intake. I have slowly started releasing this intake point by point, starting with the cigarettes. The first time I quit was not easy. This time it has been even more difficult. The first few days I had actual withdrawal symptoms, where I was sweating and overheated the whole time. After that I have basically just been craving to smoke. The cravings seems to come in ‘themes’ where I will for several days for example experience craving in my mouth and the last few days I have experienced this craving every time I smelt someone smoking. I have had this constant uncomfortability, uneasiness and then once in a while remember; ‘oh right, I’m not smoking’. It is like being unbalanced or a little outside of myself, all while it is obvious that it was the cigarettes that ‘kept me on track’. After I started smoking again, the first two cigarettes was horrible and after that it was like I had never stopped. It was the exact opposite when I stopped again and still is now – I wonder how long it will take before I get used to it. It must be something I have attached to smoking, I mean I have smoked more in my life that not and it is only by not smoking, that I can change that. But I keep having this idea, that this is just a face. That I will be allowed (by who by the way?) to smoke again. But this is and has obviously been a huge point in my life. In terms of how I have experienced myself within not smoking, it is clear to me that I have used smoking as a partner almost – it ‘gave me’ stability, balance, control and comfort. Because those points within me has been directly linked to smoking cigarettes, I ‘lost them’ as soon as I stopped smoking. I love smoking. I love everything about it. But I also love drinking coffee and I used to love smoking weed. I’ve stopped drinking coffee before and it was simply just a matter of stopping. And I stopped smoking weed and even though I have smoked weed almost as long as I have smoked cigarettes, I simply just stopped. It seems to be dependent on how I have attached myself to smoking cigarettes and how I have accepted this addiction and dependency. Here you can follow my progress over the last three weeks.

Tags: binges, binging, brainfood, candy, cigarettes, craving, diets, fat, food, Food & Nutrition, nutrition, overeating, protein, psychology, selfhelp, sugar, weightgain, weightloss
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Quit Smoking & Stop Suppressing Myself

March 3, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I’m here to talk about my experiences with stopping smoking and how I have used smoking as one tool to completely suppress myself and create a system of suppression within me and how I have been dealing with that since I stopped smoking. So I stopped smoking a month ago and it has been quite a horrible experience in terms of all the stuff that has been coming up, together with stopping smoking. Like… singular experiences or like… individual experiences and emotions has been depression, sadness, anger… desperation and then these two major, general categories almost, that I will call: One is Self-Pity in which all this emotion fall under and the other one is… In a way I can call it anxiety or fear, but its more specific than that, because its a specific experience from when I was a child of being not safe, of being unsafe, of being uncomfortable and not being able to pinpoint whats wrong with the world. An experience of being all alone, of not having any connection… even now as I am speaking, the emotion is coming up, so what I’m gonna do is, I’m just gonna put… that’s the only, the only Solution I have found, at all, so far in all my years of working with myself, is to put my feet on the ground, to feel my feet, to feel, not a connection, but just to feel my feet… and to Breathe. So… and its not a matter of having to meditate or stop talking or anything, just like: Okay, now the emotion is coming up, I stop and then I continue. But this overall feeling of not belonging, of something being off, in the world and in my world and… I mean, I’m still in the process of investigating how and to what extend I have suppressed myself and how it has been working, but this feeling, this particular feeling is one that I can see and experience, re-experience, from when I was quite a small child, like 3,4 years old. So okay, so I stopped smoking, while I was in an agreement with Matti and we stopped smoking together and it was like a spontane(ous) decision, but its something that Ive been working with for a while like: Okay, I’m gonna stop smoking at some point because I’m…. I could see that I was very attached and very committed or dependent on smoking. So I stopped and I was surprised how the part of, actually not smoking, was not as difficult as I had imagined, because its just a matter of not smoking, not smoking and especially when you, if you can keep your environment without cigarettes, its fine. I mean, here where I’m living, a lot of people are smoking, most people are smoking, so that was just a matter of… that’s just how it is. What I found surprisingly difficult was like I said, all the emotions that came up and I have, since I stopped smoking, several times gone into a mind-possession, mind-fuck, mind-trip that lasted for several days, where I was basically just crying the whole time, feeling sorry for myself the whole time, beginning to get paranoia and I mean, I cannot say with absolute proof that this is caused by me stopping smoking, but its very definitely linked, to this experience. So initially the point for me was to stop smoking all together, not start again and it was something I was doing within my Agreement and then the Agreement ended and I was like: “Huh, so what now?” – and I decided that I was gonna not start smoking again. Then after 21 days, I had another of these ‘self-pity-parties’ with myself where I was crying and feeling sorry for myself and not being able to do anything… and I talked to Esteni and she said something that was very interesting: that the whole thing, the whole emotional reaction was about not getting attention and not being recognized for having stopped smoking. And in that I very quickly started smoking again, realizing that it had in fact been dependent on other people, again – and basically just justifying for myself: “Oh, I might as well just start smoking again”, and: “it’s been 21 days…”, and “I don’t need to stop” and… but as I was smoking the first few cigarettes, I kept getting a headache and I did see the link: “Okay, it’s peculiar that I’m getting a headache as I’m smoking” – and I was wondering about this whole point of having brought the suppressions up that, that I was now re-installing the suppressions with the cigarettes, basically opening a system up and saying: “I’m not gonna participate anymore” and then – basically ‘giving up’ because of these emotional experiences and being overwhelmed by that, not believing that I’m able to stop it for myself and then start smoking to ‘close’ the whole thing down again . So – as I started smoking again, it was quite amazing to see that everything became calm, everything became smooth – I was in ‘control’ again. I was able to work, I was effective, I was not emotional at all. If I became emotional, I was able to stop it immediately. Still thinking, still thoughts, but not as ‘insane’ or, not as obsessive as it was when I was not smoking. Then at some point I had another headache and… well, I was talking to Bernard about it and he said: “well that’s suppression” – and I realized in that moment that it made complete sense – I mean this whole ‘line’ of events that had happened, wherein I… basically believed that I wasn’t able to ‘cope’ myself and deal with myself… without cigarettes. I’ve been smoking since I was twelve and besides cigarettes, I have within this process found using food, using specifically other people, being in a Relationship, entertainment in the form of television, movies, what else? Thinking obviously – to suppress myself. And I am closing in on myself from the perspective right now, of not being able to do that anymore… and having to and being willing and allowing myself to Face this point and…. Yeah, so after three days of smoking again, where it was wonderful and I just went back, as if nothing had ever happened and I’ve always been smoking and… ‘the good old days’, ha ha – so I stopped again last night and what I found, what I have found to be extremely fascinating is that these experiences that I experienced as I was stopping came back immediately: Depression, sadness, feeling sorry for myself, desperation, anxiety, not belonging, not having connections with anyone, being isolated. So… this is where I am. I’m going to walk through this point and I don’t know what’s on the other side… as I am looking at it now, it’s the point of for the first time being comfortable with just me. Not requiring anyone or anything else to make who I am, to make me safe, to give me stability, to hold onto and actually Allow myself to be that stability be that Support – because I mean how else? How am I going to exist, without being dependent or anything or on other people, if I’m not able to… basically live with myself? And trust that whatever comes up and whatever happens, I trust myself to Direct it and to deal with it and to Face it, be Self-Honest and to not suppress or hide myself.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, beauty, body, cigarettes, depression, diet, drugs, fat, fear, independence, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, relationship, self, self trust, self-empowerment, sex, skinny, smoking, standing up, transformation, weight, weightloss
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Self-Transformation Log # 1

March 3, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

Day: 33 (aproximately).

I will be sharing my process of self-transformaton through documentation and blogs. Every sunday I take a picture of myself wearing the same clothes in the same spot and the same time, to follow the changes I undergo as I transform myself from a automated organic robot – to a Self-Willed Equal of Life on Earth.

Stopped smoking 01 February and began the physical transformation a couple of days later. Started smoking after 21 days, quit again after 3. I have changed my basic habits down to the water I drink. Most of all, I have discovered how addicted and attached I was to the comfort and control of all these addictions.It is also surprising to discover how I was more or less addicted to all of this -

Sugar

Coffee

Fat

Eating when I want – what I want

Water

Relationships

Sex

Thinking

Smoking

Salt

I have been completely wrapped in excuses and justifications and lies I told myself. I had locked myself down completely. In the end I was not even aware what I was doing, how much I was eating, smoking, drinking… until I started gaining a lot of weight.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, body, cigarettes, depression, diet, drugs, fat, fear, independence, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, self, self-empowerment, sex, skinny, smoking, transformation, weight, weightloss
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