April 25, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
I am back from the woods after not having posted a blog for two days. The reason for this is that I had allowed myself to immerse myself in a mind-possession and even though I did write, I could see that I was wanting to post simply to “keep up”. So I stopped. This morning when I woke up, I had had enough of the mind-possession that I had allowed myself to immerse myself in. I asked my partner for assistance and he suggested that I took a walk. So that is what I did. Close by where we live there is a wildlife reserve, so I went there. While I was walking towards the reserve I was very possessed with experiences of anger, frustration, regret and self-pity. So I decided to start speaking it all out, out loud instead of keeping it cooped up “in my head” where I had allowed the thoughts and experiences to roam. So I started speaking to myself and the first thirty minutes I simply yelled and complained. In the beginning I was walking in roads where there were other people, so I kept it down when they passed me, but as I walked into the reserve and onto a path into the woods, there were fewer and fewer people. First I yelled at myself all the things I saw I did wrong. I allowed myself to speak out everything I experienced inside me and not hold back. I wanted to see myself and show myself to myself and as I listened to my own voice I could hear how I was whining and I would agree with myself and then disagree with myself – lol – exactly as one might see or picture a crazy person talking to themselves on the street. But I did it deliberately because I had reached my limit; there was nothing else I could do.
While I was walking I noticed how beautiful the forest was. It was early morning and the sun was coming out and it is spring time, so everywhere around me I could hear birds and see sprouts coming up. I was painfully aware how I was this big stomping mind-possession walking in complete separation from nature – which was one of the points I had become possessed about, after having read some of the other Destonians blogs and seeing that I simply did not match up. I could see everything they said as real and valid, but when I looked at myself and “where I am” I simply did not match up. So I yelled to myself about that and as I walked further and further into the reserve my yelling started changing. I started becoming more brutal and clear in the voice, less cracking from being about to cry and I started experiencing myself becoming furious and angry, but not in a possessed way, simply as I took each step, I became more determined. And I said out loud to myself: “I keep on walking until it is done! I will not turn around or go back until I have spoken everything out and cleared myself, no matter the fuck long I have to walk.” (There was a lot of “fuck” in that conversation.) And so I did, and I talked and I talked and I talked and I kept walking. At some point I started becoming quiet.
I had walked into a new area of the reserve where it was more difficult to walk through. Along the way I walked over fields and streams with little bridges and because it had been raining, it was very muddy with puddles of water everywhere, which I did not have shoes suited for. Now I started going uphill into the deeper forest and it got even muddier. So for a while I simply had to focus on walking and not slipping. At some I started experiencing pain in my hip where I have an injury and I decided to start walking back. But instead of walking on the path, I started walking into the deeper forest to find another path so that I did not have to take the same path back that had been steep and very muddy. As I walked in the deeper forest in the direction I had come from, I had to constantly take alternate routes because there were literal lakes of water everywhere. In the beginning I had not taken note of how I was walking deeper and deeper into the woods. I was still experiencing emotions, but I was not nearly as possessed as I had been when I started.But suddenly I started realizing that I was in fact quite lost. I got a little nervous because I did not bring my phone, but it was warm and it was still early. I simply kept walking in the direction I had come from and soon got back to a place I had been before. But soon again I was lost and this time even more so than the first time, because within having to change my route due to the water puddles, I started getting slightly disorientated. Lol – at some point I looked at the sun and said: “okay at least I know where the sun is” but later I realized that “the sun is moving” because the earth is moving and so I could not trust that either and my navigating skills are definitely not up to date.
At some point I started following a path through the woods with red markings on the trees that I knew to be a hiking route. I figured that at least I would end up somewhere out of the woods and if I was walking entirely in the wrong direction, I could take the bus home or ask for a lift.
As I was walking there, I looked at the predicament I had brought myself in and I saw how being lost in the forest was a cool analogy for how I had lost myself in a mind-possession. In some dream analysis, water is also symbolizing emotions and so it was quite fitting that I was walking in the forest of my mind having to navigate through emotions and find the way through. I started looking at how the forest was not lost in itself, it was simply there – and even though I was somewhat lost, I was still here. I was in this forest and I knew that there had to be a way out of it, if I simply kept walking. So I used this analogy to support myself to look at the practicality of walking out of the mind. So I asked myself: what are you going to do? Are you going to sit down and cry because you are lost in the woods, until it gets dark and you might freeze to death or a wolf will catch your smell and eat you?” No of course not. I was determined to keep walking no matter what until I got out of the forest and I trusted that I would eventually find my way out. What assisted me was the red hiking markings and I looked at their significance as a symbol of guidance in me walking out of the forest of the mind. I realized that the people that have walked here before me have placed those markings after having walked these woods and back again so others can support themselves through the forest. I realized that these markings enabled me to guide myself through the forest, even though no one else was there and I was grateful that they had walked before me and how practical it was that someone had walked this already and could simply leave these markings for someone else to follow.
The markings on the path symbolizes the process of application in writing, breathing and applying self-forgiveness and specifically the structure of the Desteni I Process – because in that, we are guided by those that have walked the same path before us, through the wilderness of the mind. They don’t have to necessarily walk next to us, to assist us with guiding ourselves and in the end; it is us who have to walk ourselves through the wilderness.
So I kept walking and I slowly stopped being scared of being lost and I slowed down and allowed myself to enjoy being in the woods. Soon I came to a sign that pointed me in the right direction and as I started the walk home, I could see that I was still not satisfied or clear within me. I still experienced a residue of emotions. I saw that I was expecting myself to have a “sense” of clarity, meaning that I was supposed to “feel it” and from having gone from an extreme negative experience wanting to go to a positive, which is what I have done previously when I have stopped a mind-possession to “get my shit together” and then felt relieved and proud of myself for “being effective.”
But I recalled the words of other Destonians that I have heard lately: that either we walk absolutely or we do not walk at all which is the same as the point that either we are self-honest or we are self-dishonest, 100 % or nothing – there is no in between. Another point I recalled how a fellow Destonian described stopping energy addiction as driving by a road killed animal and simply passing it by, meaning not participating in the emotional and energetic experiences. Lol – I thought to myself: “I am that road kill”. Finally I stopped and I realized that “the problem” was that I was experiencing and accepting myself as less than the experiences and emotions. I did not trust myself to stop – because I had already accepted their power over me.
At this point I had gotten back on the main path and could start seeing the road I had come from. I realized that the solution was not that I was supposed to “feel it” or feel anything, but that I keep it simplistic. I can only be absolute and self-honest in one moment at a time. I can direct myself in this one moment and perfect this one moment. It is the same with thoughts. I can direct this one thought. But what I had been trying to do was to grasp everything: process, existence, the past, the future, death, life, rebirth, the group and the mind in one sweep. It was yet another point of taking short cuts that I have been writing about, where I believed that I could and should “take it all at once.” I realized that it is not possible.
So I decided to focus on this one moment, this one breath, this one thought or experience. And then I direct that and another moment arises. That I am sure of that I can direct. That I am sure of that I am responsible for. And so I realized that all I have to do to walk out of the wilderness, that in and as the mind have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, is to follow the red markings – as the practical application that those who have walked before me have placed neatly and carefully on the path – because they too have walked these woods and know how easily it is to get lost. I am grateful to them beyond words. And I trust myself that I WILL keep walking until I am “out of the woods” because what else can we do? We keep walking.
(Later today I will share a self-forgiveness post on one of the points that led up to the mind-possession that I allowed myself to immerse myself in.)