The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me: DAY 18

May 6, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

fat and ugly creature by 0zzor d4sis5n 1024x819 The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me: DAY 18I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for what I perceive as me being fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what I perceive as me having allowed myself to become fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself as fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself as a body image from which I look at myself “from the outside” as though I am looking “in” on myself as in a mirror or on a picture, thus in fact not seeing or looking here or seeing or looking at what is real, because what is real is the physical that is not an image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, define and perceive that it is me who is fat and ugly within defining myself according to a body-image that only exist within and as the reflection I mirror myself in, in and through the mind based on the acceptance of and the submission of myself to competitive beauty systems where only a photo shopped, slim, tanned body can be “real” and “perfect” and where all other bodies and body-forms are “wrong” and “flawed”

I forgive myself that I, within defining and accepting myself as fat and ugly, have accepted and allowed myself to believe, define, see and perceive myself as a “second class citizen”, as “worth-less” because I do not fit into the mold of the photo-shopped woman in the picture that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is real and the only real way to be worthy and perfect, not seeing, realizing or accepting the reality, worth or perfection of me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, accept, perceive and define “fat people” as second class citizens that do not have a right to happiness, fulfillment, money, enjoyment, sex or worth simply because they are fat and as such when I got fat have consequently placed myself into the same category believing and accepting that I do not have a right to accept myself or worth myself, simply because I am fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, judge, experience and accept the word ‘fat’ as inferior, less-than (ironically), shameful, disgusting, low-life within and as spite and because I have fat on myself human physical body that I myself have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate, define, experience, see and accept myself as inferior, less-than, shameful, disgusting and low-life and within that deliberately spite myself in judging myself for being fat

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to release the word ‘fat’ from my hold on it through, within and as the ego, from where I have allowed myself to brutally judge, spite and perceive ‘fat’ as ‘flawed’, ‘shameful’ and ‘wrong’ and that the people who are fat are rightfully to be pushed down and feel ashamed of themselves and accept their place as lesser beings, within the judgment of them as “weak” and “disgusting” and thus because I define and accept myself as “fat”, equally believe and accept myself as “weak” and disgusting and a “lesser being”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself see or realize that fat on a human physical body is a manifestation of consequence as the acceptance of who and what self has allowed self to be and become in and as self-suppression as holding onto layer upon layer of information that self has not allowed self to release and within the addiction to self-abuse through self-pity and self-hate as overeating in and as greed and self-spite – not seeing that fat is not an energetic or personal manifestation, but in fact the accumulation of my abuse against myself  – and thus in fact wanting to not be fat without actually investigating myself as fatness, is avoiding and abdicating self-responsibility and in fact continuing to abuse myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about looking down at and spiting fat people and as such feel good about looking down at and spiting myself – justifying this in self-righteousness in the self-deceptive belief that not being fat mean that one is superior and better-than those that are fat and as such feel good because I feel better about myself when I judge fat people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and angry and depressed when I see myself in the mirror and immediately judge myself and feel disgusted by what I see, believing that what I see through my judging eyes of the mind, is in fact what is real and what I really am – ugly, fat, old and disgusting and a loser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself ashamed within exposing and revealing how I actually see and experience myself, because I have feared exposing and revealing this, believing that if I kept it secret, it would not be real and others might not see me as fat, disgusting, old and a loser – when in fact it was myself I was hiding from, within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, define, judge, accept and experience fact people as sloths that don’t deserve to live or exist or be happy and to feel violated when I see a fat person expressing themselves or accepting themselves, wanting them to accept themselves as inferior and less than – exactly as I as a fat person, accept myself as inferior and less than those who are not fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed and preoccupied with being and becoming skinny and beautiful and within that constantly think about being skinny and beautiful and compare myself to those I see, define, perceive, judge and accept as more than me because they are skinny

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and perceive that I need to and must  become skinny and beautiful to be of any worth in this world and to believe that I must do anything to achieve this as a goal of being a woman – as an ultimate goal of being a woman, yet within not having been willing to face the origin of why I have allowed myself to become fat, have continued to gain weight within being simply obsessed with “weight”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to myself and everyone around me that I do in fact accept myself and that I don’t care about my weight or my looks, when in fact it is all I think about, all the time, all day long, torturing myself with thoughts about how ugly and disgusting I look within focusing in my mind, and through the mind with my physical eyes, examining, judging and measuring every part of my body finding it all flawed, disgusting and ugly – not realizing what I am in fact allowing myself to do to myself – diminishing, spiting, bullying, brutalizing and abusing myself in the justification of self-righteousness as the brutality of the competition of the system, wherein and from I tell myself over and over again, that as long as I am fat, I am simply not good enough, not worthy of existing, not worthy of being loved, not allowed to enjoy myself in having sex and that I should continue abusing myself because that is all I am worth – resulting in me actually abusing myself through over-eating and as such completing the vicious cycle of self-abuse where I am the mouth that bites the hand that feeds me that is myself11 1024x724 The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me: DAY 18

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that being fat – as the physical manifestation of the accumulation of consequence, is not about looks and how looks are valued in the world system based on competition , where there can only be winners and losers and that being fat is in fact about me having allowed myself to abuse myself, through punishing myself within and as the mind, refusing to let go of the past, holding myself on lock-down and locked-in inside the layers of the human physical body, in and through which I have patted myself with fat as information upon information layers as who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, understand or admit, that while I have been preoccupying myself with self-judgment and desire for beauty, money, power and success – as being a winner in this world, I have allowed myself to exist in complete and total self-abuse in and as a lock-down of suppression within and as my human physical body a myself  – as what is real – in consuming everything in fear of losing myself and as such in greed and fear of not having enough, resulting in the layering of fat around the body with the consequence of harming myself in ways I have not even begun to understand or experience in full awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only by keeping all physical experiences down, suppressed, controlled, enslaved, defeated, would I be able to survive and succeed as such in this world, thus never having allowed myself to get to know or experience myself within and as the physical body, even though that was and has been my deepest and most real desire – to get to know and express myself and explore myself here as life in self-enjoyment, unconditionally and innocently in interaction with myself as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that how I have allowed myself to exist within and as a separate part in and as this human physical body as an entity located in the head, has been in absolute and total terror, torture and self-abuse, where I, with every breath I have taken – yes taken – and never given or embraced within and as me, have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself down, diminish and suppress myself because I feared facing the reality of me as the physical – not only the human physical body – but the physical as the total manifestation of what is here and thus face what I have accepted and allowed and as such justify for myself that it is better and easier to remain in fear, suppression and self-diminishment, to always keep the truth about myself – the truth that I am walking and living with and within every day – under control

I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to face the truth about myself – the truth that is existing HERE evident as this human physical body and how I have tortured myself to fit and mold myself into an image of control and power – never seeing or realizing that everything and all I have been doing is enslaving myself to a delusion – a cruel and unnecessary delusion – that I at any point could have stopped, but in my acceptance of the delusion as myself, feared losing myself if I, as the first one admitted that it was not real – not realizing the absolute absurdity of my claim over life as the enslavement of myself into the confinements of consciousness – only and merely to not lose face or image, to the other parts of myself that I have separated myself from, into and as – not realizing that those parts are myself and that if no-one of us budges we will keep existing in the delusion that we are flawed and lacking and thus must abuse each other to fill ourselves up – when in fact, all parts are me and I am all parts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing my partner my naked body and to do all and anything to hide it, in the delusional and deceptive belief that I can hide how I perceive myself to look like as fat and ugly from my partner and that if I am lucky he will not notice how I look, if I tug there and suck in here and place my body like this or cover it up like that – when in fact is that I cannot hide my body or how I look and that the person I have been wanting to hide from, was in fact myself and my own self-image of and as myself as my human physical body

I forgive myself that  I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I am in fact fat and ugly and disgusting and a loser because that is who and how and what I have accepted myself as and as long I accept and allow myself to bow down to the system of competition that exist within and as brutality and absolute evil in and as spitefulness – which is in fact is my own creation – I will never be anything else but fat and ugly and a loser – because that is my prerogative and responsibility as a creator, to decide who and what I will accept myself as and what now – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept everyone else that can possibly or in any way have the same or similar experience as me, to hate themselves, despise themselves, accept themselves as less than – because of my acceptance and allowance of my submission to the system of competition and consumerism through and in which the beauty system exists

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I, within the acceptance of myself as fat, ugly, disgusting, a loser – have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as self-spite, absolute brutal self-abuse and deception and as such have accepted everyone else who are fat or ugly in the eyes of the system and everyone in fact, to accept themselves the exact same way – because the world exist as a direct reflection and consequence of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and disgusted every time I feel my stomach against my pants or shirt reminding me of how fat I am or when I feel the skin wobbling on my legs reminding me of how fat I am – not realizing that fat is merely fat as a particular manifestation of form as the consequence of who and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as and that the problem of fatness is NOT how I look – but who and what I have accepted myself as, in and as self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let every girl and woman in the world hate their human physical bodies and torture their human physical bodies in all and every way possible to fit into an impossible ideal of delusion of perfection based on the pushing of photo-shopped images, that we, through consumerism have accepted as real and possible in our collective self-delusion and self-abusive reality that we have forced in and onto the physical as our human physical bodies and this earth through within and as our complete and total abdication to and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I have not accepted or  allowed myself to realize and see the extent to and within which I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through my participation in, submission to and acceptance of the system of competition in which there can only be winners and losers and according to the rules of beauty that I have directly accepted as real, valid and valuable – I can only be a loser, because I am not skinny or young or beautiful in the way the competition system of beauty measures it – according to my very own decreed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness within seeing what I have accepted and allowed and in experiencing that this point is so extensively integrated into my acceptance of myself, that I don’t know what to do to stop and purify myself and bring myself back to an innocent, unconditional acceptance of myself – instead of allowing myself to see and realize that this is in fact what I am doing here and that I have suppressed and hid this point so extensively from myself and refused to look at it and myself within and as it and a such that this is why I am experiencing that I am opening a can of worms that are exploding in my face – and not allowing myself to go into and as an emotional reaction and instead PUSH all the way through, not allowing myself to be moved or influenced by facing myself in self-honesty and actually allow myself to see and face myself in absolute brutal self-honesty in seeing that I AM IN FACT purifying myself here and that it will take however long it takes – and that I WILL WALK THROUGH IT NO MATTER WHAT – because what the fuck else is it that we are doing here? What is the alternative? That I keep accepting and allowing myself to continue this self-abuse and as such allowing it equally in everyone else. That is NOT Acceptable in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize or admit to myself the extensive and total self-abuse that I have done onto myself as the physical body – through suppressing myself, through accepting myself as addicted to energy, through judging, hating and despising myself, through being greedy within fear of losing, feeling sorry for myself and punishing myself through forcing myself to over-eat – with the consequence that I am in fact in every moment killing myself, torturing myself and hurting myself that I accept and allow myself to continue participating

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize and admit to myself in self-honesty what I, in my participation in and acceptance of myself in and as my participation in thoughts am in fact doing to myself as the physical, even though I live with the consequences every single day as pain and overweight and rapid deterioration of the physical as myself

And as such, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately refuse and deny myself to see what I am accepting and allowing in every moment I accept and allow myself to participate within and as and from the mind and what I am in fact doing to myself as the physical – when in fact I am completely and 100 % aware of what I am doing and I simply don’t care because I have diluted myself into the belief that I cannot live without the mind, without energy, without emotions or feelings, without indulging myself in food and sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince and deceive myself into believing that the most important thing in the world is for me to lose my weight so that I can be skinny and beautiful and be a winner and so that I no longer have to despise and hate myself because I am a loser because that is the rules and paradigm that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the point of weight and overweight and losing weight overshadow all and everything else and not care about anything or anyone else than me losing weight – totally and completely disregarding what is here and why we are here and what we are doing here in terms of creating a world that is best for all – which is the only relevant point that matters while in fact my preoccupation with beauty and looks and weight is detrimental to what is best for all and as such totally and completely unacceptable – not to mention the fact that it is based on something that is not real, real life, real value or real in anyway what so ever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the cause and effect of me being fat, is not that I am worth-less as a human being or a loser in fact, but that I have abused myself and that this is what is evident and visible in and on my human physical body and by defining myself according to beauty as worth, I have completely disregarded what I have actually accepted and allowed and who and what I am in fact here as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a right to abuse myself in and as the physical through over-eating, doing drugs, over-sleeping, over-drinking because I believe that that is my prerogative within and as believing that I have free-will and choice to do with myself as life whatever the fuck I want – not allowing myself to see or admit to myself in self-honesty that what I have been doing with my free-choice and will is to enslave myself to a delusional reality in which I have in no way lived what is best for all and only lived according to my delusional idea of satisfaction based on the fear of losing myself in and as separation of and from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to accept the fact that I, as the human physical body I live within and as, am in fact fat and that this has nothing to do with my worth as life, but with my acceptance and allowance as worth-less and of my abuse and disregard of myself that stands as the evidence for all the world to see, how much I have hated myself and despised myself and what I have done to myself for no reason at all as well as to everyone else, because of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to honor myself as the human physical body, fat or not fat simply by the fact that I am here as life and as such honor myself as what is best for all, through changing myself into and as an effective physical form, in and through which I can support myself to live an effective life and support what is best for all

I commit myself to honor myself in and as this human physical body and to transform myself into and as a physical form that lives and stands within the principle of what is best for all in all ways

I commit myself to make a plan for my entire physical body, as individual forms that each requires absolute care and consideration as to what is best for each form to live and function in a way that is best for all

I commit myself to stop all reactions to my own reflection in my minds judging eyes and in the judgment of the mind that I have superimposed onto my human physical body when I see my own reflection in a mirror on in a window

I commit myself to eat only that food which is of support of my human physical body and to honor myself through the giving of nourishment to myself through the grace of food and I commit myself to eat in gratefulness – and not in greed based on fear of losing myself

I commit myself to stop seeing myself as a image within, from and as the mind, in and as separation of and from myself as a projection of reality that is not in any way real – and to support myself to be and live here in and as the physical and in and through self-intimacy get to know myself as the physical

I commit myself to stop all self-abuse through participating in energetic reactions as emotions and feelings and self-judgment and desire through thoughts and indulgence and being hard on myself in physical actions and I commit myself to stop judging myself for being fat and to stand by the consequence of my acceptances and allowances as the manifestation of myself as this human physical body and to support myself to bring myself to living in and as absolute self-support as what is best for all as myself as the human physical body

I commit myself to stand by and support human beings that have accepted and allowed themselves to live and exist as I have in and as self-abuse of the human physical body – to stop and stand up in and as self-respect, dignity, integrity and honor of themselves as life

I commit myself to expose the beauty system and its brutality and how we have collectively accepted and allowed ourselves to submit ourselves to a lie and a deception based on consumerism in and through which we are diminishing ourselves in valuing only beauty and fitting into and as a certain specific, yet completely unattainable and delusional body-form that has nothing to do with what is best for all in any way what so ever and that only serves to feed the system with consumers and energy within and as competition between winners and losers where everyone always loses because there is no such thing as winning

I commit myself to support all women  in supporting and accepting themselves to stand up as life as what is best for all to accept themselves in and as the physical as life, as I walk the process of standing up and accepting myself in and as the physical as life

Thank you.

Visit us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk

Suggested reading for further support:

Day 19. Prettiest Girl in The World

Day 8: My body is Not an Image

 2012: Judging the Physical Form Makes You ‘Less Than’ the Physical

“Weightloss – throughout existence we’ve accumulated the burdens of our acceptances and allowances of separation that has become a weight within/as our very beingness as we have always known what we have done, but did not stand up and as we continue facing the consequences – the weight as burdens has piled on – weightloss is the attempt of self to direct the release of the burdens of our existence onto/towards the physical, where we abuse the physical to pay for what we’ve accepted and allowed as we try and ‘lose the burdens/weight’ of/as our beingness within/as the physical – when the actual reality is not seen/realised: we must release the weight/burden as ourselves/our beingness as what we’ve become as consequence as the mind, and weightloss towards the physical is not going to solve the consequence of burdens we have to face as our beingness, because to lose the weight of burdens – is a process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application.” – Sunette Destonian Spies

“Diet – dye-it, the tendency of the human-being to veil the reality of the physical with a distracted illusion, where diets have become imbued/dyed with mind illusions and the practical physical reality of the individual’s human physical body is not considered/regarded – equal-to and one with how the entire mind dye reality with illusion, and what experience/face the consequence is ourselvs in the physical that we’re dependent on. When we’re in fact dependent on the physical to exist and not the mind. Thus – redefinition of dye-it/diet – remove the dye/veil as illusion of the mind and get to know your human physical body as how you exist/express within it in the physical, and accordingly in that equal and one relationship of getting to know your body as you – nurture it as you would nuruture yourself as the body – both within the context of what you mentally and physical.” – Sunette Destonian Spies

“Bodyshape – lol; when human beings see the word bodyshape – BODYshape is how it’s read, and attempt/try to shape the body according-to how the mind has shaped reality, and thus what exist within BODYshape is MINDshaped – where the mind takes IMAGES/PICTURES and attempt/try to shape it with/as actual physical reality that is not a Picture/Image but an actual physical existence/reality that is constantly/continuously in motion/movement according to our beingness/mind as how we express through/with/as the physical. And thus, Bodyshape has become Mindshaped and what experience the consequence is the being in/as/with the body – because the mind try shape the body according to a picture/image, like trying to stop time in the physical for the image/picture to manifest when the physical is constantly changing/in movement. Thus, the process should be SELFshaping – assisting and supporting self to shape self up into/as Life/Living, and realise that it’s bodySHAPE – simply the shape the body is in according to self’s relationship with self and the physical, and to align self with the physical in shaping self and the body into/as equality and oneness – this is the shape that should be regarded.” – Sunette Destonian Spies

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Addiction 101 – When Food is not just Food

March 14, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

It started with a piece of cheese.

Yesterday as I woke up, I was going to eat breakfast. I ‘asked my body’ what it wanted and the ‘reply’ I got was ‘cheese’. See I ‘love’ cheese, and I always got a stomach ache from eating rich cheeses and dairy products such as ice cream, so it was like a specific point and example of self-abuse and self-interest, where I ate cheese even though it gave me a stomach pain, with the justification that I was allowed to, because it is my body and I decide what I do with it and it is only a little cheese and it tastes so good that I just can’t help myself.  This whole thing fast becomes complicated and a whole world in itself – because besides being type A blood type and therefore being predisposed of not processing dairy very well, in addition I was lactose intolerant as a child, supposedly because my mother, who gave birth to me at the age of 42, ‘ran out’ of breast milk when I was an infant. So I did not eat or drink anything containing dairy until I was 12 and she decided to test out if I was still intolerant. Up until then I only had access to dairy when I sneaked my way to it. So I would eat ice cream at a birthday party without my mother knowing it, and two hours later break out with hives all over my body. Or I would steal a big chunk of cheese from the fridge and keep it  hidden so I could eat from it when I wanted to. So it is sufficient to say that cheese has a special place in my heart. I am telling this story to share how easy it is to dilute oneself into believing something is an act of innocence – when in fact a lot of manipulation and deception has gone into it. After what happened yesterday, I am pretty sure that it was not by body claiming that it required cheese and that it was a thought that I interpreted as the body speaking, so that I could justify for myself eating cheese.  Anyway, I ate the cheese, just a little bit I told myself. With two pieces of dried toast. Afterwards I got a stomach ache, almost as on schedule, maybe because I felt guilty or for making a big deal out of it – What is really interesting is what happened following the ‘cheese incident’ the rest of the day yesterday and today as well. I experienced the most difficult day so far of keeping my diet, not overeat and not eat from desire for taste, memory and so on. I started making excuses and stepped over the boundaries I have set for myself. In return I felt guilty and my body felt very uncomfortable, heavy and aching. Today I have even considered smoking a cigarette. Last time I did that , it did not take me many hours before I did smoke the cigarette and soon after that was back on my 20 + a day. So I haven’t and I noted this for myself as I had the thought. It all started with me allowing myself to eat a piece of cheese and it has obviously very little to do with the cheese itself. It has to do with who I was in that moment. The day before yesterday I experienced a release and I trusted myself, to simply eat, instead of having to restrict myself according to specific rules and so I expected that I would be able to do the same the following day. It was almost like an arrogant moment of believing that I now have full control over my actions. Because I clearly don’t. And it is not because I am not able to Direct myself in the moment – it is because I have been living this for so long, for so many years that I have created myself around it, I  have created a relationship to food, to eating, to smoking, to consuming that is not based on nurturing my body, but on satisfying ideas of satisfaction, of taming and obeying fear and desires – of everything else than being Here. And this is not the first time I have experienced this – and I am not the only one who has experienced this. It is a classical fall for addicts. Once you are over the worst Jonesing, which is mostly physical uncomfortability where you have to simply focus on not consuming your drug of choice, it suddenly becomes more easy, like a breathing space, where things are going well. The thing that I have experienced in stopping addictions and cravings, is that after a while, I get used to this ‘new way of living’ – it is suddenly not new anymore. I do not have to push myself to keep the diet or to not smoke.  It is simply a matter of not doing it. For many people, this is where they fall in. When I stopped smoking the first time, I started again after 21 days. All it took was one thought, that I diluted myself to believe was innocent. ‘I’ll just have one cigarette’. So this is the point, where I cannot expect anything of myself. It is still a matter of moment to moment Self-Honesty. And this, by catching myself doing this, by slowing down, not judging and actually seeing what it is I am doing – I can flag all of these possible ‘pits’ for myself, so that I do not have to fall on my ass every couple of days, just to pick myself up again. Why was it the cheese that made me break the deal? Because cheese in my book is not just cheese. It is a symbol within my mind of how I treat myself with something that I am deprived from, a speciality , a luxury, where I am independent and do what is Best for me – Only that is how I created it in my delusion as a child, because it is not what is best for me – it is self-abuse and I did it, because I believed I was treated unfair, that there was something wrong with me, that I was punished because I was not allowed to eat what I wanted to. So it has become a symbol, twisted and distorted, no longer with any relation to what it actually consist of and what is Common Sense. This is how we fuck with ourselves. How we walk into, defend and justify situations and experiences, that is not best for us and certainly not what is Best for All.

Physical Transformation – Inner Change – Everything Changes

March 4, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

Why am I doing this?
(Secret Mind) Looks – attractability = success
Physical condition – optimal use of the body
Self-Respect, Integrity, Acceptance – for the first time in my life doing something just for me – to be comfortable alone with me, in my own skin.

The body not only reflects but also contains all that we have ever participated in, accepted and allowed, thoughts, emotions, memories. As we walk through our day, we are constantly triggered and influenced through images, smells, sounds and feelings that correspond with a memory we have already stored in our bodies. Because of this, and because we Accept and believe that our mind, as thinking and feeling, is really who we are, we are not able to Exist Equal with and as the Physical body. My goal is to empty myself from everything I have ever identified as myself, which specifically means stopping and not participating in thoughts and emotions, which is what keeps the mind going and these self-acceptances with it.
Throughout my life I have allowed a lot of self-hate and judgment within me. Because of that my body has become an outer reflection of my ‘inner’ acceptance of myself. But not only that – Everything I have accepted myself as, is still a part of me and will be able to be seen by others in how I walk, speak and move. So even if I do stop thoughts of self-hate for example, and I begin a process of self-acceptance, the imprint of what I have accepted, is still who I am, because I have not changed myself physically, actually.
As I started my process of letting go of addictions and attachments and in that brought up suppressed emotions and feelings, I have cared mostly about the weight I would be losing. I have been exited about seeing and feeling my body changing – but also with a hidden experience of what I will be able to achieve once I have the body I want.
This is a major point for all women and one that has to be addressed immediately – because it has to be clear to us, that we are doing this for ourselves – to regain self-power, self-will, self-trust and self-acceptance and not to get a man to provide those things for us.
So within this, within the process of changing my body and how I experience, interact and move my body, I also begin a process of ‘inner’ transformation, where I allow myself to Accept myself, to Trust myself and through that Will and Empower myself to walk this through.
I do not know how long I am going to be eating like this. At the moment it feels like I am on a deprivation diet. I am on a deprivation diet, because I have placed the intake of substance as something that was more than me, as something I required to be able to exist and cope with myself.
 Physical Transformation   Inner Change   Everything Changes

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