The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159

December 29, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Across the Universe across the universe 295168 1920 1459 1024x778 The Mind Movement Character   Introduction: DAY 159This writing is an introduction to the Mind Movement Character that I will be writing about. For context this is a Q and A between myself and Sunette Spies from a chat that I will be utilizing as the starting-point for this writing in terms of flipping the point around from fear of being here to desire to be in/as the mind.

Q: Why would one be afraid of being here in silence/darkness/stillness with oneself? I experience this as a primary point though I don’t see much reason for it in term of ‘issues’ to sort out. That it is more like a basic point that one simply requires pushing through. Is this so?

A: The Mind plays a nice trick on you with that one – it’s not in fact that you FEAR silence/darkness/stillness, what you’re actually experiencing is an excitement that manifest towards your Mind, cause you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you

Writing

I am the most comfortable in an environment with sounds and lights and movement and people speaking. I enjoy being alone but only if I am moving myself. I enjoy laying in the dark about to go to sleep but only if I let the mind chatter likes a radio. Silence scares me. Non-movement scares me. Some time ago I recalled a memory from when I was a baby where I was not yet able to move myself or otherwise were conditioned to remain in the situation I was in or at least experienced myself as such and I remembered how I, because I could not move myself away from that which I feared, I started moving myself inside myself and started splitting myself and started developing thinking as a separate awareness where I literally disconnected myself from my body here. It could have been because of hearing my parents fighting though I don’t recall that specifically. I simply recall wanting to get away and move myself and not being able to and then it was like I started moving faster and faster inside myself and ‘loosened’ or ‘broke off’ a part of myself where I then felt sort of safe. And so ever since I’ve been on the move. Whenever something traumatic or difficult happened in my life, I’d dust myself off and keep moving. All I knew was that I had to keep moving. And so the result has been that I don’t want to stand still or stop or relax or rest even for a moment. ‘Instinctively’ I simply keep moving. I am the most comfortable when I am busy and when there’s loads of practical stuff to do. I tend to get kind of wonky in my mind when I am at home all the time. Because then I start moving inside my mind instead, turning on the radio of back chat chatter. When I work, it is easier for me to keep the mind quiet and focus on what I am doing. So this is what I will be walking here in greater detail. I will have a look at the individual dimensions of this Mind Movement Character so that I can effectively walk myself through it and step out of it so that I can remain here and face and embrace myself instead of spending my life and time on trying to run away from myself. I’ve written about this point in several blogs so for context here are the previous blogs I’ve written on this point:

agostino arrivabene 06 The Mind Movement Character   Introduction: DAY 159

The Mind Movement Character Dimensions:

For context on what I will be walking and how to write out Character dimensions, please read the following blog by Sunette Spies:

Character Dimensions – Introduction (Writing): DAY 162

Thought:

  • Seeing myself shooting forward through the universe away from darkness and stillness into light and sound

Desire:

  • Desire to move/be in/as energetic movement, generating energetic experiences
  • Desire to feel energies moving inside myself

Fear:

  • Fear of standing still/being still/darkness
  • Fear of not being able to move

Imagination:

  • Imagining myself being swallowed and drowned by the darkness if I stop up
  • Not knowing what will happen if I stop up
  • Imagining myself being progressive and self-moving
  • Imagining how much I will get done
  • Imagining how it will be to be locked inside myself in total silence and darkness infinitely
  • Imagining what I have to do (anything!) that is not remaining here in silence with/as/within myself

Backchat

  • “I am doing important stuff”
  • “I am moving myself to help someone else”
  • “I HAVE TO move”
  • “I can’t help myself”
  • “I know I shouldn’t but it feels so good to move myself”
  • “I don’t want to sit still; it feels like I’ll burst if I don’t move myself NOW”
  • “I’ll just to this… then I’ll return to sitting still”

Reaction:

  • Panic
  • Feeling desperate
  • Feeling trapped
  • Feeling relieved when I move myself
  • Feeling happy and ecstatic and anticipating when I move myself
  • Feeling like I’ve dodged a bullet when I move myself
  • Feeling comfortable when I am moving myself like I am ‘getting somewhere’
  • Feeling uncomfortable as soon as I sit down to focus on something

Physical:

  • Feeling like I am crawling in my skin when I am sitting down
  • Feeling jittery
  • Feeling movement

Consequence:

  • The consequence is that I don’t step out of the mind
  • The consequence is that I kill myself in and as the physical
  • The consequence is that I never get to relax or rest or be intimate with myself
  • The consequence is that I don’t get to know myself
  • The consequence is that I remain within and as the mind

 

In my next blog I will continue with writing out self-forgiveness on the first dimension: thought.

Art by Agostino Arrivabene

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Be-Living in Thoughts as ‘Who I am’: DAY 27

May 15, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

i believe in my design wallpapers 26855 1280x800 1024x640 Be Living in Thoughts as Who I am: DAY 27I am continuing from yesterday’s writing with looking at my relationships that I have created towards the mind and as such exist enslaved to and within – this time I am looking at my relationship towards thoughts, whereas yesterday I looked at my relationship to and submission to energy and emotions. I write these points out in the moment and I have decided to add my pre-considerations before the self-forgiveness process, to show and share how I move through the points. But if you’re specifically interested in the self-forgiveness part, you’re welcome to scroll down and simply read that part.

What I found in yesterday’s writings:

The point regarding thought, is the same point as with why I allow myself to be directed by energy and emotion – it is at the level of my acceptances and allowances in my relationship with thoughts that I stop allowing myself to be directed by, within and as thoughts.

Thought = Living Word that is formulated through the decree of belief as the deceptiveness in creating personal relationships towards thoughts in saying: “be-life!” When the relationship is that of acceptance, I become that which I have accepted as real.

Today I looked at the definition of thought and think and found the following:

O.E. þencan “conceive in the mind, think, consider, intend” (past tense þohte, p.p. geþoht), probably originally “cause to appear to oneself,” from P.Gmc. *thankjan (cf. O.Fris. thinka, O.S. thenkian, O.H.G. denchen, Ger. denken, O.N. þekkja, Goth. þagkjan); O.E. þencan is the causative form of the distinct O.E. verb þyncan “to seem or appear” (past tense þuhte, pp. geþuht), from P.Gmc. *thunkjan (cf. Ger. dünken, däuchte). Both are from PIE *tong- “to think, feel” which also is the root of thought and thank. The two meanings converged in M.E. and þyncan “to seem” was absorbed, except for archaic methinks “it seems to me.” Jocular pp. thunk (not historical, but by analogy of drink, sink, etc.) is recorded from 1876.

be true 1024x885 Be Living in Thoughts as Who I am: DAY 27The specific definition that is relevant in relation to my relationship with thoughts is “cause to appear to oneself” – so when ‘we’ think – we are causing something to appear to ourselves, that is the nature of the thought. But are we actually the ones thinking? No – thoughts are operating at an automated level, I have absolutely no control. But that does not mean that I am not responsible and that the initial point is my acceptance and allowance. Another interesting point is that think is juxtaposed with “feeling” – thus thoughts and feelings go together.

SOUNDING of “Thought” and “Think”

THOUGHT:

THOU-ART = “YOU ARE”

THOU-OUGHT = “YOU SHOULD/SHALL”

THUG-HATE = THE SPITEFULNESS OF MIND

THUGGED = LIFE STOLEN BY THE MIND

THINK = THE-INK = THE LIVING WORD WRITTEN BY SELF

THY-INK = THAT WHICH WE USE TO WRITE THE LIVING WORD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin and end my day with participating in a thought and as such allow thoughts to be that which direct me throughout my day and that which starts and ends me  – that which I start and end myself with

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is ONLY through my direct decree and permission that thoughts are directing me and that this in itself reveals and exposes the very paradox that I have accepted and allowed to become ‘who I am’ within how I, within and through my very permission have accepted and allowed myself to become a slave to thoughts – inferior to thoughts, less than thoughts because of my direct and deliberate abdication of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be-live as a decree of the living word of myself, to which I have submitted myself – that I am the thoughts while in fact the thoughts are in full control of me and as such are NOT me as they are representing an automated program that I have submitted, subjected and abdicated myself to and as such represent my very abdication of and as myself – the paradox that the thoughts are me as the very manifestation of my self-abdication of and as myself to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, see and experience the thoughts that emerge in my mind as ‘menial’ an ‘insignificant’ and thus in fact disregarding what the very representation of thoughts is, as what it exists as and consist of – as the very manifestation of my deliberate self-abdication of self-responsibility and as such that every time I accept or allow myself to participate within a thought or allow a thought to emerge without me in fact directing it in and as self-responsibility to de-construct the program that the thought run on and represent – I am re-confirming my separation and abdication of myself as life – and as such directly and indirectly allow existence to remain divided, separated and suffering – at my very decree

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that my very decree that I sealed through the living word as the be-live in the relationship with myself as the mind – the decree as the be-live that I am separate – is that which I keep myself separated through, within and as – even though I cannot remember how I made the decree or how I have re-confirmed this decree throughout the ages of my existence – therefore, by seeing the very fact that a belief is a decree as a living statement of myself, I can begin the process of tracing myself back to the beginning of my decree and decision to separate myself from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that thoughts are NOT menial or insignificant in any way, as they show me exactly who and what I have separated myself into and as – yet that they at the same time are entirely irrelevant in themselves a they have no jurisdiction or dominion over life, except for in my very abdication of myself to them

(to be continued)

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Related entries:

DAY 26: The Be-Life Decree of Energy as “That which gives me Life”

DAY 28: I Think Therefore I am NOT!

 

 

Q and A – “Do we need an Academic Elite to Change the World? “

March 9, 2011 in Equal Money Blog

The following Question was asked by Tood as a reply to the article: “Academic Education – A Waste of Space, Mind, Money and Time?”in my column on The Sociology Journal

Q – from Tood: great thinkers 300x280 Q and A   Do we need an Academic Elite to Change the World?

Do you not think that your call to action in creating an imagined world of equality is also a product of one of these theories of university education which you denigrate in your article? Before action can be taken toward any goal, what is required is a thorough analysis of the situation at hand. This will require thinking, not acting. After this task is complete (and it is not), you must subsequently be able to define the goal toward which you would like to steer society as well as to justify that goal as a proper goal. Given that your goal seems to be equality for all, in all aspects, the next step would be to formulate a process of transition from the current situation to the desired one– a plan of action. This will require an immense amount of interpretation, theory, data-gathering, statistical analysis, historical considerations, etc. (e.g. consider Karl Marx’s more than 3000 page collection of volumes known as Das Kapital). Before beginning work toward global equality, we ought to consider its feasibility, desirability, and complications it may bring– questions which, by the way, are being asked and answered inside the University (consider, for example, the work of analytic marxists such as G.A. Cohen in “Self-ownership, Freedom. and Equality”). I agree with you that the University has a socializing function, and that success in the university is at least contingent upon learning the language-games of academia, however it also functions to open up a space for the dedication of oneself to inquiry– a space which is not generally provided outside of the University. And as a final consideration: when is success outside of the University going to be devoid of the socializing function of the University, or of its criterion of “learning the lingo”, apart from living a hermitic life?

A – My reply:

Hi Tood – When I (and when most people) were a young child, my basic outlook on the world situation was that of: “Why are people starving, when there is enough food?” – “War is stupid, why can’t we simply be friends?”

6a00d83451d12469e200e54f191dcb8834 800wi 300x225 Q and A   Do we need an Academic Elite to Change the World? Thus my perspective was that of Simplicity and Common Sense – without moral judgments towards those creating wars: I saw the World and the people within it, as Equal. Therefore the call to action – based on the basic Principle of Equality is not an ideological conception constructed in the Academic class- room.

Unfortunately we have as adults, covered and sugar-coated ourselves in fancy words and knowledge to hide from ourselves within ignorance and abdication of Self-Responsibility – which Actually for any Child, is Common Sense. Thus – we will back up Self-Deception with Self-Righteous regurgitation of useless knowledge simply to postpone the Moment, where we literally have to ACT – where we Actually have to Give up this armor of theories upon theories and see the World and Ourselves for what it is.

It is plain to see, even within the theories of Social Life: Common Sense Perspectives that All can agree on is being reproduced, mutated an twisted into oblivion, even though they always say the same: That to Change the World, we require to Change Ourselves first – because whatever We are, is what the World is too. I have heard professors regurgitating the glory of knowledge and thinking as enlightenment and cure to the disease of ignorance and inequality. Yet – we see none of those professors or students Changing anything in their own Participation. Instead the regurgitation of knowledge is used as the justification for NOT ACTING and thus being reproduced and recycled with every new batch of students in hope of Changing the World.

ar119056881934158 236x300 Q and A   Do we need an Academic Elite to Change the World? We do not require anymore “thorough analysis as thinking” of the issues at hand – The sustainable solutions to the World’s problems ARE invented – we are simply not Applying them. If every Child can see the Common Sense of war being stupid and not even blaming those that create war, but simply suggests for us to stop it – it is clearly not assisting to create long theories upon the impracticality of War. It is basic Common Sense: 1 + 1 = 2.

If the 1 eats all the food, the other 1 will starve and the 2 will exist in inequality – which is Clearly not what is Best for All. This requires not Socratic or dogmatic systems of approach – It does however require Self-Honesty of each of us as re-educating ourselves to take Self-Responsibility for what is Here.

The plan of action towards Global Equality is to create a Global Political Party based upon the Principle of Equality, where each commits themselves to Stand Self-Responsible in Common Sense Equality and do what is Best for All – at a Practical, Physical level – in All ways.

This we are doing with the proposal of the Equal Money System, which of course requires thorough planning – but within the Principle of Equality as what is Best for All, no ideological discussions are necessary, which will give us room to investigate and research Practical, Real Life Solutions. hands3 Q and A   Do we need an Academic Elite to Change the World?

Even though the tradition of the universities place themselves within the “honor” of the objective inquiry (aka truth producing business) – this is in Fact not so and the Space of universities as learning facilities could be utilized for so much more fruitful and practical purposes – not simply to reproduce knowledge for it to be reproduced. Activism without Practicality as well as knowledge without Application, is useless…

Participate – Become an Practivist – An Activist Practicing Common Sense and Self-Responsibility

World Equality Process – Join the Equal Money System

Inner Equality Process – Join the Re-Education to Self-Honesty

Practivism is Activism with Common Sense

in Oneness and Equality

Social Survival Autopilot System

September 7, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I looked forward to starting in school age6. Coming there was quite the shock to me. I had been looking forward to begin to learn and now I was one of the big kids and instead I found myself way down the food chain. I had been more or less comfortable with myself and with my expression before that, but starting in school brought a whole new bitter level to life. I was alone and I was in the world now. The overall basic experience since then, was that life was a fight. I wanted to be taken serious by my teachers and by the older students. At the same time, I wanted to be accepted by my peers. At some point I started getting teased for the clothes I was wearing. I started becoming self-conscious, but the point of fashion was no where near my mind at that stage. The basic experience was that I simply didn’t get it. One of the most prominent memories is of a situation, where I am around 8-9 years old and standing in a group in break time. I wanted to participate in the conversation, but I constantly found that I did not have the ‘flow’ of humor. I would say things at the wrong time and everyone would stare at me or I would say something ‘off-beat’ and they would laugh. I decided then and there that no matter what I would learn the ‘timing’ of a social conversation. What is also interesting is that I was not preoccupied with the content at all, which is probably why I did not ‘get it’ in the first place – because I was focused on the structure, who was standing where, where was I standing, who was leaving, who listened? Stuff like that. Many years later, timing and saying the right things at the right time, became my force at to some extend ‘real’, but simply in the matter that I finally ‘automated’ it to a personality – specifically developed and designed with the purpose of fitting into a group. At bit later, when the point of boys opened up for real, I was constantly afraid that the boy would not find me cool enough. Interesting that I had not quite gotten the point about looks at that stage. And I found myself entirely submissive to the boys that I liked – I was in any way un-worthy and had to do everything in my power to ‘earn’ their attention. It was my job, my life-challenge. Then after they gave in and actually fell in love or committed themselves, I lost interest. It was always about the fight. My own integrity and well-being was virtually non-existing. I did not care about myself. For a long time I literally thought that there was something wrong with me, because I did not have a sense of humor. I did not seem to have the inter-action level that other people had, where they were enjoying themselves – I was in a state of self-consciousness and interested in the mechanisms that made social situations work. I was interested in the structure of these situations and it made it difficult for me to participate and it was something that took me years to learn to a somewhat satisfying degree. Playing with another child just the two was easier for me than being in a group because it was always more occupied with the dynamics of the group than what was happening. The reason why this is relevant, is because I both at work and in school have noticed that I ‘change’ – I go into a type of survival mode, where I shut Self-Honesty and Self-Awareness off and simply focus on being liked and being seen as cool. I also learned to Suppress myself within an experience of pushing myself forward/surviving A side-note that is fascinating here is that some people actually pick up on this and thus it back-fires on me, but others do not and accept my picture-presentation. It also seems that the one’s that do not are generally people (mostly men) that are more reserved and self-sufficient, not as occupied with fitting into the group, basically more self-honest people and those are the people I want to impress the most, which is quite impossible. The others are more likely people who have their own or the same point and therefore participate. I will dress according to this. I will eat according to this. I will speak a certain way, do my job a certain way and participate in school activities a certain way – all of it is obviously happening within a make-belief world in my mind, all though some is also taken place on a interactionistic level, where others participate and influence and are influenced. Another point within this that has been prominent is the split between men and women , wherein I have been focused on boys and then men – what I see now is that I had the impression that boys were cool, when they seemed self-sufficient, self-confident and thus I believed that if I could get a boy like that, I would be in the lime-light with him and I needed to get the best boy, the one that were best at this. (he would be the one that were best at surviving socially as well as physically). This is not as specified anymore, although I experience certain reactions to certain impressions in me of expressions.

Scenario at work where this played out:
I want them to respect me and take me serious – so I tell them that I don’t smoke or drink and that I have to get home to work on this NGO (Desteni)
Then I fear that they will not find me cool because I don’t drink and that is threatening their drinking. They might think that I think I am better than them (which I have) and so I stayed even though I wanted to go home

Beliefs/definitions/constructs based on this:
I cannot trust myself
Life cannot be trusted
Others cannot be trusted
I have to fight to survive
I am in a competition with others
I am an idiot – no one must know – I have to become cool
I am cool
I have to learn how to time and be intelligent to survive

Experiences/Consequences
Fear of being exposed as ‘off’/stupid
Confirming/bullying myself in being an idiot
Cannot relax and be myself without the level of Self-Consciousness
Compromising Self-Honesty to fit it/be liked – not be laughed at
Not Accepting myself – Always chasing others
Not caring for anything or anyone
Suppressing my actual experience

1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept that there was/is something ‘wrong’ with me, because I did not fall naturally into conversations and social events
2. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize, see and consider that everyone has this experience of it not being natural and thus that it is not defining or describing me in any way
3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in being ashamed of myself when I was not ‘timed’ and ‘flowing naturally’ in conversations with others and instead was preoccupied with how I felt and with what was going on a ‘Resonant’ level
4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to secretively define myself as ‘better than’ the others for ‘seeing behind the scene’ , when in fact I did as everyone else did and do, gave into the situation and let the system run – none of us was ‘there’ – it as all system
5. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as ‘a freak’ and as being ‘over sensitive’ (someone else’s expression) towards social situations and for taking things way to serious
6. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as ‘an idiot’ and as ‘not cool’ because timing and humor did not come ‘naturally’ to me and therefore having Accepted that there was something wrong with me
7. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was the only one experiencing myself like this, ‘uncomfortable’ and ‘unnatural ‘ in these social situations specifically in groups, when in fact everyone (or most) have this experience, with it being based on Survival and being Fake as a System
8. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be authentic and in believing that who I was when I was Honest and Authentic was/is ‘an idiot’
9. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself as ‘an idiot’
10. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Suppress myself and to Submit myself to Surviving by being Fake, based on the experience of the shock of coming to school unconditionally, looking forward to learn and be in the world and then experiencing the dog eat dog world of competition and comparison
11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept competition as a Base-Line experience/condition of Existing
12. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself to compete with others
13. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear and resent break time and lunch break, because it has been within those situations where I did not know what to do with myself, where I felt pressure to ‘perform’ specified in making friends, having fun and becoming popular, all to ensure my own survival in the system and to rectify myself as ‘an idiot’ as ‘wrong’ as ‘a freak’
14. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself only according to my experience of myself in a competitive social situation of being ‘off’ and ‘inadequate’ as well the experience I had of myself when I was being bullied and teased for how I was dressed
15. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as uncomfortable and uneasy in social situations, specifically in groups of peers and for having experienced, defined, judged and Accepted that there is ‘something wrong’ with me because of this experience
16. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to feel comfortable and natural in these group situations
17. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that everyone else was participating authentically, naturally and comfortably in these group-situations, instead of realizing that most people have the same experience as me, and that by not sharing and challenging these experiences, we allow ourselves and each other to be trapped in them – as fake faces
18. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be part of the group, to experience myself as and being seen by others as cool
19. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire for others to respect me and take me seriously
20. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to suppress my starting-point of having Accepted myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ because I wanted to eradicate and get away from that experience of myself, believing that if I annihilated myself from myself, I would be able to re-design myself as ‘cool’ and ‘intelligent’ – which I then did
21. (another memory from this period pops up now that is in relation to this point, but also an entirely different point. Henriette)
22. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to try to ‘get away’ from the experience of myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ while at the same time having Accepted myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ and thus never getting away from this experience, no matter how much I have ‘corrected the mistake’
23. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if/when I was able to express myself and participate with others in a ‘correct way’ according to my idea about being cool, specifically with regards to timing, humor and ‘flow’, then I would stop being ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’
24. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately annihilate, suppress and push myself away, within and as Self-Honest Self-Expression as a child, because I believed that ‘Who’ I was, was a mistake, was wrong, would never fit it and thus not survive and therefore I believed I had to become someone else
25. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as a threat to my own survival, based on the experience of ‘not fitting in’ because I was looking too much behind the scene, which made it difficult for me to participate ‘naturally’ in conversations and social situations with other children and therefore having believed that I had to eradicate myself and transform myself into ‘someone’ that would be respected and seen as cool
26. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately and specifically transform myself to the point of being perfect with timing, in saying things at the exact right time that would make people laugh or simply respect me as cool and strong and intelligent
27. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that people would discover ‘who’ I ‘really’ was and then would bully me, laugh at me and reject me
28. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to bully myself
29. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to ridicule myself
30. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to reject myself
31. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as ‘unworthy’
32. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘unworthy’
33. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care for myself in fact
34. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care for others in fact
35. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care in fact
36. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that only by eradicating and destroying myself, would I be able to survive in social situations
37. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to eradicate and destroy myself in order to survive in social situations
38. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to experience myself as cool
39. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire for others to experience me as cool
40. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately eradicate and ridicule those that I saw as ‘weak’ because they reminded me of my own experience of myself, which I was scared to be exposed within and as and therefore I resented when others were not able to hide their ‘weakness’
41. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having eradicated and ridiculed others for not being ‘cool’
42. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be cool
43. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define being cool as being ‘indifferent’, ‘insensitive’, ‘timed’, ‘self-sufficient’ and ‘self-confident’
44. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be uncaring and for having Accepted and defined that as ‘cool’ – as ‘elite’ and ‘best’
45. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Participate in, Create and Accept that there is such a thing as ‘cool’– which basically is a judgment of being ‘better’ than something else/someone else, being ‘Elite’ compared to something/someone else, thus being based on competition and comparison in and of the mind – and not having anything to do with the Practical Reality
46. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Believe and Accept that having a ‘Cool Image’ is the most important thing in the whole world and that being seen/defined as cool by others, gives me points of ‘worth’ that is ensuring ‘my survival’
47. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not being cool
48. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent my mother for making me wear ‘uncool’ clothes
49. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not knowing which clothes are cool
50. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not knowing which music is cool
51. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if I do not find a way to be cool, I will not survive
52. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself and others to be cool
53. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having participated in and supported ‘cool’ as real, when it is a make-belief idea of the mind, based on fear and survival within the Acceptance of myself as Separate
54. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having participated in and supported ‘cool’ as real and for within that tacitly having accepted judgment as a starting-point for how I exist, how I experience myself and others
55. I do not Accept judgment as a starting-point . The only Starting-Point that is Valid and Real, is Life Supporting Life
56. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear losing myself within the personality of being cool, based on having designed myself to perfection within timing, speaking and expressing myself and fearing that when I stop that and myself as that, that I will be exposed as ‘an idiot’ – when all this is actually showing is that I have Accepted myself as ‘an idiot’ the whole time, but that I have suppressed it and thus fear losing my face fake, because I fear facing how I actually have experienced myself and the fact that I have annihilated myself for a make-belief world of competition
57. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I cannot and should not trust myself, based on the shock I experienced when I entered school for the first time
58. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that Life cannot be trusted, when in fact it is the ideas about Life that cannot be trusted and how we have shaped Life according to these ideas
59. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that others cannot be trusted, but within that basing on a hope/desire/expectation towards trusting others, instead of realizing that as longs as well Accept ourselves in and as the Mind-System of Self-Interest, Survival and Fear – No one can be trusted
60. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I must fight to Survive
61. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must Fight to Exist
62. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience Life, within and a Fight for Survival
63. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Fight others based on the belief that Life is a fight to Survive
64. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be shocked to discover this when I was 6 years old and for having been stuck in that shock ever since
65. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Challenge that which I took for granted, in and as myself, in and as others and in my relations with others and in the world
66. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Unconditionally Accept the World and The System and for having Submitted myself unconditionally into it, to fit in, Survive and satisfy the system
67. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Define, Experience and judge myself as a subject to the System
68. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit myself to the system, because I wanted to be cool, because I wanted to escape my experience of myself as not-cool
69. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in anger and resentment towards my mother for not having prepared me for entering school and within that I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent all parents for not preparing the children for entering school
70. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I must fight and compete with others to Survive
71. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must be the Best in order to Survive
72. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be the Best at surviving
73. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to ‘catch’ a man that is the best in surviving (successful, good looking, intelligent) and thus believing that by hooking up with a man like this, my chances of surviving will increase
74. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that everything within this System is based on Survival – and Survival is based on the Acceptance of
75. Separation and within that the creation of Fear of Losing Oneself to another ‘part’
76. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately design myself as ‘cool’ within the definition of cool as being ‘indifferent’ (smoking weed and self-suppression) self-sufficient and self-confident, which I never was and thus had to deny and annihilate myself being fake in order to ‘achieve’ this.
I Let go of the belief that I have to Fight to Exist
I Stop Fighting
I Let go of the Desire to be Cool
I Let go of the personality in which I am Cool
I Let go of Fear of being Exposed as uncool
I Stand by me
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to have this point cleared now so that I can share it with others – instead of taking my time to clear it effectively and sufficiently for myself. I have to go to work soon – which is cool, because then I can practice all of this. So It is not done – but I finally got it opened up.

Update on the ‘Autopilot of Social Survival’
So I went to school yesterday after I had written about the point and applied Self-Forgiveness. My main goal was to not go on ‘autopilot’ and ‘check out’ basically instead of remaining Here in Self-Honesty. It was apparently easier said that done, because already as I was getting dresses, I was following the point of ‘fitting in’ – I was saying to myself ’Wear what feels comfortable’ and yet I was trying to look a certain way, and you know, not even look a certain way – but specifically NOT look how I felt when I was 6 years old and got teased for what I wore. I think that one of the reasons why this is something that has ‘stuck’ in me, is because it was such a shock to me back then, that the world was like this, that I was like this – and so to prevent myself from ever being shocked and ambushed like that again, I have done my hardest to prevent it from happening – yet remaining ‘locked’ in that experience of being ‘off the beat’ and ‘un-cool’. So I dressed and I left and I applied Self-Forgiveness on the bike on my way there – That is something I enjoy very much and I have slowly but surely gotten over the point of Applying Self-Forgiveness in public. This might have something to do with the overall structure of my personality, but I actually find it easier to apply Self-Forgiveness in public than to sit by myself at home saying the sentences.

I got to school almost two hours too early because I had to catch up on my reading to the day’s lessons. I never finished because people kept coming and I got distracted the whole time. That was a note to myself that it is much better if I read at home. With regards to the point of the auto-pilot of social survival, I did go on it. We had to form study groups and I was anxious and nervous about it. I was afraid that no one would go into a group with me. Same starting point – ‘There is something wrong with me’. Eventually it all worked out. I got in a randomly selected group with 9 other people, mixed men, women and ages so that is actually as cool as it could possibly be. It is easy and almost ‘natural’ for me to take charge in a group – so I was playing with the point of remaining absolutely silent, not saying anything – This is something I have tried to do before in schools and other social situations, with no success. I will tell myself to shut up and two minutes later, I am chatting away. A point of justification is also that I have believed that this is really ‘who I am’ as though it is my ‘natural self-expression’. I Realize that this is part of the Survival System and even more importantly that I have feared giving it up. Okay, well that is cool – because I have reached some kind of partly conclusion on what these points consist of:

Fear of Missing Out – (Also represented in other points like Fear of Death), (also based on specific experiences from the past that I have attempted to avoid, yet which has defined me)
Fear of being alone – connected with the belief that I need other people to exist (as personality)
Fear of giving up (no losing) Personality as Survival – specifically the chatting, ironically a presence that says ‘I am Here’ – even though I am ‘Not Here’ because I am running some fucked up Survival scheme

I Allow myself to Let Go of myself as Personality
I Allow myself to Let Go of Fear
I Allow myself to Let Go of having to fit in – I Allow myself to be Self-Honest and Self-Supportive
I am not attending these classes or this job to be liked – Fuck being Liked
I Allow myself to Let Go of Fear of not being liked

I am Here to Support myself to Stand up as Life – To Stop All Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist within and as Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself within and as Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Believe that I am a System

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted myself as the thoughts and emotion in my mind and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted myself as subject to the thoughts and emotions in my mind believing that this was all I was

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself Unconditionally as Life, to Walk this Process of Stopping the Mind in Self-Trust and Self-Love

I Support me as Life

Flag it, Tag it, Bag it!

March 11, 2010 in Uncategorized

This is a method I am developing within myself after having heard an interview in relation to the Structural Resonance Alignment Course, where a couple in an Agreement called Marlen & Jorn (who lives here on the farm) had a Discussion with there Resonances. In the interview they talked about how Marlen and Jorn was very effective when they saw a point in themselves or with each other that required a correction, to move straight to the corrective application and change immediately. I found this very interesting and have been working with it ever since, because I was coming from an idea/acceptance that there was a ‘process’ to go through with everything, like first you write and then you do self-forgiveness and then… but even within that it was based on ‘the right thing to do’ – as in Separation of me Here, and not as Simplistic Common Sense. Because when I looked at it, with a lot of points I did see straight and clearly what I was doing – yet I wasn’t stopping or changing me.

Then I developed this method for myslef, which I am still busy applying – I call it:

‘Flag it, Tag it, Bag it!’

The idea is very simple: When you see a point, a pattern, a thought or whatever wherein you are limiting/accepting yourself within an as a mind-construct and it is clear to you; ‘oh, okay, this is what I am doing,  because I believed that and that is how I created/accepted myself within and as it’

FLAG IT! Here you can write down situations, trigger points, events where this plays out. That is where you within yourself place a ‘flag’ so that you will notice when it happens again.

TAG IT! Now you have identified the point, so now you walk. You tag it, by being aware of your flag points, by noticing when you get trigger, when you reacted. and you follow the line. Now you got yourself on a hook and line. No way of getting out now, cause you saw it and by tagging yourself within it, saying to yourself ‘whop, there i went again’. You keep the point Here for you to deal with.

BAG IT! This is simply the process of letting go/stopping/not participating in the point/pattern/thought/reaction. What and however you can stop, is cool. For me Physical Action is the most effective. For others it might be saying ‘Stop’ inside or out loud. Whatever works for you, you do it. Try different methods and be aware that because this is something you are doing for you and because you are dealing with points that you’ve created and accepted within and as you as real, as who you are – you are the only one that can stop yourself. Therefore no one can tell you how to Stop.

From there you simply walk. Next time Stop again. Next point: Flag it, Tag it, Bag it! And so slowly but surely, we disengage ourselves from all these conditioned and predisposed ways of existing – in separation with and to what is Really Here – With ourselves. To me it has been a key that the point is to keep going. That means that we will make mistakes. But it is then and there that we push ourselves, pick ourselves up again and keep walking.

For more information about the Structural Resonance Alignment Course visit: www.Desteni.co.za

Here is the link to the interview/discussion with Marlen and Jorn and their Resonances.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1WZ54iCmoc

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