Flag it, Tag it, Bag it!

March 11, 2010 in Uncategorized

This is a method I am developing within myself after having heard an interview in relation to the Structural Resonance Alignment Course, where a couple in an Agreement called Marlen & Jorn (who lives here on the farm) had a Discussion with there Resonances. In the interview they talked about how Marlen and Jorn was very effective when they saw a point in themselves or with each other that required a correction, to move straight to the corrective application and change immediately. I found this very interesting and have been working with it ever since, because I was coming from an idea/acceptance that there was a ‘process’ to go through with everything, like first you write and then you do self-forgiveness and then… but even within that it was based on ‘the right thing to do’ – as in Separation of me Here, and not as Simplistic Common Sense. Because when I looked at it, with a lot of points I did see straight and clearly what I was doing – yet I wasn’t stopping or changing me.

Then I developed this method for myslef, which I am still busy applying – I call it:

‘Flag it, Tag it, Bag it!’

The idea is very simple: When you see a point, a pattern, a thought or whatever wherein you are limiting/accepting yourself within an as a mind-construct and it is clear to you; ‘oh, okay, this is what I am doing,  because I believed that and that is how I created/accepted myself within and as it’

FLAG IT! Here you can write down situations, trigger points, events where this plays out. That is where you within yourself place a ‘flag’ so that you will notice when it happens again.

TAG IT! Now you have identified the point, so now you walk. You tag it, by being aware of your flag points, by noticing when you get trigger, when you reacted. and you follow the line. Now you got yourself on a hook and line. No way of getting out now, cause you saw it and by tagging yourself within it, saying to yourself ‘whop, there i went again’. You keep the point Here for you to deal with.

BAG IT! This is simply the process of letting go/stopping/not participating in the point/pattern/thought/reaction. What and however you can stop, is cool. For me Physical Action is the most effective. For others it might be saying ‘Stop’ inside or out loud. Whatever works for you, you do it. Try different methods and be aware that because this is something you are doing for you and because you are dealing with points that you’ve created and accepted within and as you as real, as who you are – you are the only one that can stop yourself. Therefore no one can tell you how to Stop.

From there you simply walk. Next time Stop again. Next point: Flag it, Tag it, Bag it! And so slowly but surely, we disengage ourselves from all these conditioned and predisposed ways of existing – in separation with and to what is Really Here – With ourselves. To me it has been a key that the point is to keep going. That means that we will make mistakes. But it is then and there that we push ourselves, pick ourselves up again and keep walking.

For more information about the Structural Resonance Alignment Course visit: www.Desteni.co.za

Here is the link to the interview/discussion with Marlen and Jorn and their Resonances.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1WZ54iCmoc

Who is eating when we eat?

March 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

DIET – Sounds like DIED

-   In Latin it Means ‘A Way of Life’

I am constantly thinking about food, how to eat, when to eat and especially what to eat. I have been very confused about this ‘diet/detox/rehab/deprivation’ programme and I can see how I have wanted to replace my way of eating (which I have defined as anarchistic within me) with a bullet proof system I could follow, so to not make mistakes, not fail  and make it easier for myself to keep it going. So I kind of interpreted that the point was to a) eat healthy, b) to stop eating with my emotions and c) to lose weight. I have in that sense been eating according to common knowledge about health, though with the awareness that some of the stuff might be bullshit.

I actually realized when I brought the point of eating the lasagna Here, as I stopped for a moment to consider my apparent ‘choice’ that I did not in fact provide me with anything substantial, nutrition or taste wise. Me eating that instead of for example whole grain bread, is based on a idea about lasagna. And that idea about lasagna is based on a belief that if I eat what I want to – I am free. Yet it is never really what I want to, because it is based on memories, rules, ideas about taste and consistency of certain foods, and is thus as conditioned as it is programmed and fixed before I even put the food into my mouth. So I put the lasagna back and took whole grain bread instead. I added cottage cheese and again Bernard ‘ruined it’ for me by asking me about this food. He basically said that it is unlikely that I will transcend this point in this life, because I am not stopping my emotions. Instead I have used the excuse and control of wanting to understand, which is bullshit, because I just want to understand so that I can control myself out of this – which is obviously impossible. I have accepted this challenge as being extremely difficult, as the point of eating has been so intense and powerful within me. At the same time, there are Common Sense points, wherein it is obvious how I have made this point a key point in me stopping myself from exiting in self-Abuse, participating in energetic and emotional manipulation and basically in stopping myself from existing within and as the mind – as conditioning, based on the Acceptance of myself according to memory, manipulated information and emotional patterns. The food serves as an example, as a way of showing myself and seeing what I am and have been doing. Here is an example: I look at a piece of whole grain bread. It looks boring, dry, serious, healthy – that is how I’ve judged it according to the ‘role’, ‘symbol’ that I have accepted it as according to specific memories and definitions within my life. It also reminds me of my mother, as she would bake this with great devotion and I would get it for lunch everyday in school for years. I also appreciated it and rejoiced with her over the wonders of this bread. It was her specialty. So it is sufficient to say that it is not just bread. It has a meaning, it triggers judgment, like and dislike justified through apparent taste experience. So in my book, eating a piece of whole grain bread without anything on it, is probably like the most boring food in the world. It is also something that girls who really wants to be healthy or lose weight do. (And I am not one of those girls, because I accept myself as I am). Now I eat the piece of bread and because I know it is all I am going to eat. It is my main meal and course for this evening, I slow myself down as I am eating. In utter surprise I realize how good it tastes. And that I can actually recognize different tastes within it, like the poppy, sesame and sunflower seeds. I can actually tell them a part and experience a appreciation for each taste experience. Before I would have chucked it all down. What does this tell me? It tells me that I cannot trust any of my ideas or experiences towards food. Because they are conditioned and based on ideas that are specifically mastered according to my memories, definitions and acceptances of myself since I was a child. They are not objective truths, even though with a lot of tastes for example, many people agree and reinforces the beliefs, which they producers are obviously aware of as they design their product according to feelings of belonging, of keeping traditions, of being cool and so on and so on. But the experience I have of the craving, the lacking or missing out – is physical. It is in my mouth.

So when I am about to eat, it is with a whole string of expectations, emotions and conditions tied to ideas about taste, fullness and the like.

I eat 5 portions a day the size of my fist. I might step up to six if I am up for many hours a day. The one time I did it, I felt guilty. But I have decided that it is okay, because I want to keep the body burning fuel and experiencing being full and not go into ‘lock-down’ starvation mode. I Realized today that all the meals i eat through out the day now – is the equivalent of 1-2 meals how i was eating before. A pizza for example would be like 6 meals.

Mostly I eat dry toasted bread, fruit or vegetables. I eat rice and rice cakes and meat for dinner most days. Between the 5 meals, two are considered ‘main-meals’. I still eat the same portion as in the other meals, but I eat more substantial food like whole grain bread or an egg. The meals in between is mostly two pieces of toasted bread, rice cakes or fruit.

I drink only 8 glasses of water a day, in which coffee is included. This morning I asked my body what it wanted and thus I had a glass of warm water with lemon and mint leaves, instead of coffee quite to my own surprise. Mostly when I have asked the body, the answer surprises me. It might be ice cream or cheese or some combination of foods that I had never considered before. I did not do that for very long, as I quickly returned to my patterns of eating emotionally. My goal is to develop a completely different way of eating, wherein I eat to nourish myself and in that allow the body to Direct what it requires, instead of me eating with my mind.

The water challenge has been difficult, as has the taste challenge. In the beginning I ate various foods at each meal. I Realized that that was yet another attempt of my mind to manipulate the situation for me again to eat with my mind, calling upon taste, enjoyment and tastelessness and boredom in the other end. So now if I eat fruit, I only eat fruit. If I eat Bread, I only eat Bread. I will however eat an egg as well once in a while. I do still not eat a lot of vegetables. Until now the most filling is the bread and especially the whole grain bread, which toasted an bare has been a surprisingly enjoyable eating experience, as I can now differentiate the different ingredients. I think it has something to do with not mixing so many different kinds of taste. I have discovered that I can monitor and measure myself by simply observing and ‘staying with’ myself as I go from thinking about a food to eating and after having eaten or had a drink. When I ask my body, I immediately get a ‘reply’ , almost like an image, but more like a symbol of taste popping up, only one. Like this morning with the warm water with lemon. But I am not yet certain of how all of this words, because yesterday some people were talking about that as I saw someone else drinking water with lemon, and I know from the eating according to your blood type book, that my type, (A) benefits a lot from doing this in the mornings. I used to do it as well for periods of time. Never the less, I asked my body and that is what ‘popped up’. So I did not judge it. It was not until 11 that I noticed that I hadn’t had a cup of coffee yet. Normally I will have coffee as soon as I get up – as a co pilot of working, a working treat – obviously an idea in my mind. It is also an idea in my mind that I like coffee, because when I then had one, I didn’t like it. And I had one mainly because it was 11 and I had not had one all day. It is strange to see and be convinced of something being a treat, and then not enjoying the actual experience, because the whole ‘image/picture’ of it being so and so and having this or that value – only exists in my mind. It would also mean that the Mind dictates everything and that I blindly follow. So now is the question: Why? Why do I blindly follow? Because this is just one little tiny point as an example of how nothing we do is actually decided and directed by us, but orchestrated by our minds and even more strategically, by the corporate world – who knows us better than we know ourselves.

Quit Smoking & Stop Suppressing Myself

March 3, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I’m here to talk about my experiences with stopping smoking and how I have used smoking as one tool to completely suppress myself and create a system of suppression within me and how I have been dealing with that since I stopped smoking. So I stopped smoking a month ago and it has been quite a horrible experience in terms of all the stuff that has been coming up, together with stopping smoking. Like… singular experiences or like… individual experiences and emotions has been depression, sadness, anger… desperation and then these two major, general categories almost, that I will call: One is Self-Pity in which all this emotion fall under and the other one is… In a way I can call it anxiety or fear, but its more specific than that, because its a specific experience from when I was a child of being not safe, of being unsafe, of being uncomfortable and not being able to pinpoint whats wrong with the world. An experience of being all alone, of not having any connection… even now as I am speaking, the emotion is coming up, so what I’m gonna do is, I’m just gonna put… that’s the only, the only Solution I have found, at all, so far in all my years of working with myself, is to put my feet on the ground, to feel my feet, to feel, not a connection, but just to feel my feet… and to Breathe. So… and its not a matter of having to meditate or stop talking or anything, just like: Okay, now the emotion is coming up, I stop and then I continue. But this overall feeling of not belonging, of something being off, in the world and in my world and… I mean, I’m still in the process of investigating how and to what extend I have suppressed myself and how it has been working, but this feeling, this particular feeling is one that I can see and experience, re-experience, from when I was quite a small child, like 3,4 years old. So okay, so I stopped smoking, while I was in an agreement with Matti and we stopped smoking together and it was like a spontane(ous) decision, but its something that Ive been working with for a while like: Okay, I’m gonna stop smoking at some point because I’m…. I could see that I was very attached and very committed or dependent on smoking. So I stopped and I was surprised how the part of, actually not smoking, was not as difficult as I had imagined, because its just a matter of not smoking, not smoking and especially when you, if you can keep your environment without cigarettes, its fine. I mean, here where I’m living, a lot of people are smoking, most people are smoking, so that was just a matter of… that’s just how it is. What I found surprisingly difficult was like I said, all the emotions that came up and I have, since I stopped smoking, several times gone into a mind-possession, mind-fuck, mind-trip that lasted for several days, where I was basically just crying the whole time, feeling sorry for myself the whole time, beginning to get paranoia and I mean, I cannot say with absolute proof that this is caused by me stopping smoking, but its very definitely linked, to this experience. So initially the point for me was to stop smoking all together, not start again and it was something I was doing within my Agreement and then the Agreement ended and I was like: “Huh, so what now?” – and I decided that I was gonna not start smoking again. Then after 21 days, I had another of these ‘self-pity-parties’ with myself where I was crying and feeling sorry for myself and not being able to do anything… and I talked to Esteni and she said something that was very interesting: that the whole thing, the whole emotional reaction was about not getting attention and not being recognized for having stopped smoking. And in that I very quickly started smoking again, realizing that it had in fact been dependent on other people, again – and basically just justifying for myself: “Oh, I might as well just start smoking again”, and: “it’s been 21 days…”, and “I don’t need to stop” and… but as I was smoking the first few cigarettes, I kept getting a headache and I did see the link: “Okay, it’s peculiar that I’m getting a headache as I’m smoking” – and I was wondering about this whole point of having brought the suppressions up that, that I was now re-installing the suppressions with the cigarettes, basically opening a system up and saying: “I’m not gonna participate anymore” and then – basically ‘giving up’ because of these emotional experiences and being overwhelmed by that, not believing that I’m able to stop it for myself and then start smoking to ‘close’ the whole thing down again . So – as I started smoking again, it was quite amazing to see that everything became calm, everything became smooth – I was in ‘control’ again. I was able to work, I was effective, I was not emotional at all. If I became emotional, I was able to stop it immediately. Still thinking, still thoughts, but not as ‘insane’ or, not as obsessive as it was when I was not smoking. Then at some point I had another headache and… well, I was talking to Bernard about it and he said: “well that’s suppression” – and I realized in that moment that it made complete sense – I mean this whole ‘line’ of events that had happened, wherein I… basically believed that I wasn’t able to ‘cope’ myself and deal with myself… without cigarettes. I’ve been smoking since I was twelve and besides cigarettes, I have within this process found using food, using specifically other people, being in a Relationship, entertainment in the form of television, movies, what else? Thinking obviously – to suppress myself. And I am closing in on myself from the perspective right now, of not being able to do that anymore… and having to and being willing and allowing myself to Face this point and…. Yeah, so after three days of smoking again, where it was wonderful and I just went back, as if nothing had ever happened and I’ve always been smoking and… ‘the good old days’, ha ha – so I stopped again last night and what I found, what I have found to be extremely fascinating is that these experiences that I experienced as I was stopping came back immediately: Depression, sadness, feeling sorry for myself, desperation, anxiety, not belonging, not having connections with anyone, being isolated. So… this is where I am. I’m going to walk through this point and I don’t know what’s on the other side… as I am looking at it now, it’s the point of for the first time being comfortable with just me. Not requiring anyone or anything else to make who I am, to make me safe, to give me stability, to hold onto and actually Allow myself to be that stability be that Support – because I mean how else? How am I going to exist, without being dependent or anything or on other people, if I’m not able to… basically live with myself? And trust that whatever comes up and whatever happens, I trust myself to Direct it and to deal with it and to Face it, be Self-Honest and to not suppress or hide myself.

Self-Transformation Log # 1

March 3, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

Day: 33 (aproximately).

I will be sharing my process of self-transformaton through documentation and blogs. Every sunday I take a picture of myself wearing the same clothes in the same spot and the same time, to follow the changes I undergo as I transform myself from a automated organic robot – to a Self-Willed Equal of Life on Earth.

Stopped smoking 01 February and began the physical transformation a couple of days later. Started smoking after 21 days, quit again after 3. I have changed my basic habits down to the water I drink. Most of all, I have discovered how addicted and attached I was to the comfort and control of all these addictions.It is also surprising to discover how I was more or less addicted to all of this -

Sugar

Coffee

Fat

Eating when I want – what I want

Water

Relationships

Sex

Thinking

Smoking

Salt

I have been completely wrapped in excuses and justifications and lies I told myself. I had locked myself down completely. In the end I was not even aware what I was doing, how much I was eating, smoking, drinking… until I started gaining a lot of weight.

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