WHO do You TRUST Yourself AS? DAY 113

September 17, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

“Whoever despises himself still respects himself as one who despises.”

– Friedrich Nietzsche

This is in continuation to:

Oops, You Missed a Spot! DAY 112

Bad Cop vs. Pure Evil: DAY 111

Staff Sargent F.E.A.R Thomsen: DAY 110

Wrestling Imaginary Alligators of the Mind: DAY 109

Becoming a Person of Integrity: DAY 102

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately procrastinate points that I KNOW and SEE require direction and thus do nothing but accumulate consequences for myself and for everyone else simply because I am giving myself the CHOICE to not do that which is required because I DON’T WANT TO in and through which I am declaring that I am the most important thing in the universe – in fact the only important thing and not even me as my physical body but me as a delusional mind-entity that exists only to survive in/as it’s illusional existence that I have abdicated myself to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I haven’t developed self-integrity because ‘I am not a person of integrity’ and thereby blame me not living in/as self-integrity on ‘life’ and ‘biology’ and ‘genes’ and ‘my mother’ and ‘god’ when the fact of the matter is that the only reason why I have not lived in/as self-integrity within/as myself is because I’ve decided NOT to and thus have made up the excuse that ‘it’s just who I am’ to in fact justify why I am not living in/as self-integrity from and within a starting-point of honoring life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that I HAVE in fact lived in/as self-integrity – but it was ‘integrity’ from the perspective of me ‘making a deal with the devil’ within/as abdicating myself to the mind so that I could separate myself from myself and externalize myself and not face or take responsibility for the consequences of my creation where I would be loyal to myself as the mind because I, through the mind could get what I wanted which was to use this existence, the physical and my body to get energetic experiences and as such how and as who I’ve lived ‘integrity’ as loyalty to/as the mind has been within and as consistently ensuring that I would remain in/as the mind and within accepting myself as ‘whole’ only in/as the mind while entirely disregarding the physical as existence, this world and my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine my own authority within and as walking the directive decision to change myself from a human being of self-interest and separation to a human being that cares about all life and that lives based on the principle of giving as I would like to receive and of that which is best for all – and thus within and as this confirm myself as mind-authority through giving value, validation and legitimacy to the mind’s wants/needs and desires in wanting energetic experiences at all costs

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the reason why I can’t trust myself to be in the best interest of all, is because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place all my trust in the mind and in the mind’s wants/needs and desire

I see, realize and understand that integrity means to consistently – and thus absolutely – apply and live according to a principle and that I decide whether this is integrity of deciding to remain existing as a mind-system in and as separation from this physical existence, the earth and my body where the consequences of my decision is the total destruction, annihilation and abuse of myself as life – or whether I decide to develop a self-integrity in honoring life in/as the physical as that which has never been honored or regarded by me, but that in fact has always been here supporting me unconditionally and so the self-integrity as the decision to stand up as life is the consistency of application of the principle of ‘give as you would like to receive’ in living in all ways that which is best for all life

I see, realize and understand that integrity means to be sound/whole in the totality of my construction as a being and as such for me to stand within and as and live in self-integrity means to bring the parts of and as myself that I’ve separated myself into and as so that I do in fact stand sound/whole within and as myself in consistently applying myself in every moment as what is best for all – and until I do, dedicate myself and every moment to bring myself back to myself

I see, realize and understand that for me to in fact develop, live and stand in/as self-integrity I must apply myself consistently because one point of deliberate sabotage or compromise or procrastination compromises my self-integrity, exactly as a house cannot be completely stable if one beam is rotten and thus it is simply a matter of time before the house will collapse

I commit myself to develop self-integrity as the decision to stand up as life in equality and oneness with what is here in stepping out of the mind and into the physical and bring the parts of/as myself that I’ve separated myself into/as – and thus abdicated self-responsibility for to run rampart on my permission at the demise of all of existence – back to myself so that I can direct them in common sense to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control myself – as a thwarted version of ‘self-direction’ where I act out of fear that I can’t trust myself to direct myself here, when in fact I show myself deliberately in the decisions I make whether I can trust myself or not – and thus I fear that I can’t trust myself because I in fact know that I can’t trust myself – because I’ve not made the decision to change what I trust – who I trust myself as – and what I consistently apply myself according to in and as self-integrity

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the belief that I can’t trust myself and that I have confirmed and validated and enunciated this belief for myself through participating within and as backchat in my mind as an internal conversation where I say to myself that I can’t trust myself and that I am an untrustworthy human being

I see, realize and understand that I’ve used the belief that I can’t trust myself as a point of self-manipulation through which I’ve made myself feel better about the fact that I can’t trust myself and thus make myself look innocent to my mind’s eye in saying to myself that “At least I know that I can’t trust myself and then take measures of control to ensure I don’t do harm” and that “I am SO self-honest that I can admit that I can’t be trusted. That’s at least something.” And so through this belief I’ve in fact limited myself to only accept myself as untrustworthy and to accept and legitimize that I have accepted myself as untrustworthy and thus created a backdoor where I could excuse and justify myself instead of in fact making the decision to change myself and change as ‘who’ and how I trust myself

I see realize and understand that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate self-distrust – which is in fact trusting the mind and thus trusting and validating my own self-abdication and as such that by making the directive decision to trust myself – I am making the decision to change myself and as such step out of the mind and that is exactly what I as the mind have been deliberately sabotaging through accepting that I can’t trust myself to stand up and live what is best for all

I see, realize and understand that to stand up and live that which is best for all – is a directive decision that only I can make for myself – and that’s it.

When and as I see, that I am participating in backchat as an internal conversation where I say to myself that I can’t trust myself or where I activate memories of how I could not trust myself in the past, I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to my physical body.

I commit myself to stop distrusting myself to stand up – as I see, realize and understand that it is up to me to change my direction in the moment of application – to change what I trust, who I trust myself as, the integrity of consistency that I’ve decided to stand in and as – from self-interest to life – within and as changing who I am and how I participate from self-interest acting only according to my mind’s desires and fears to acting based on the principle of what is best for all as giving as I would like to receive

I commit myself to let go of the belief/acceptance that I can’t be trusted/am not trustworthy because I see, realize understand that I within that am making the directive statement and decision to trust the mind.

I commit myself to let go of the belief that I must control my way out of the mind, through and within which I am in fact indicating to myself my acceptance – and direction of myself to be inferior to the mind and in fact superior as the mind

I see, realize and understand that the only way to step out of the mind and to stop allowing the mind to be the directive principle of and as me, the authority of and as me, that which I trust and trust myself as and that which I stand within loyalty and integrity in/as – through practical directive application of changing myself, which I can only do in real-time moments of participation, application and breath – and which I can also only measure in real-time and which I can in fact only clearly see in real-time – in the menial and details of who I am in my participation

I commit myself to push through all experiences of resistance in immediacy as I see them emerging and as I do so, build and develop myself within and as self-integrity and self-trust

I commit myself to develop the self-trust to trust myself

I commit myself to change/direct/correct myself within and as the menial moments of my daily participation and to change all these points, point by point, writing by writing, breath by breath, until I’ve stood equal to and have directed myself in self-responsibility and are simply here directing myself immediately in the moment.

Give yourself the daily gift of reading the blogs from Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk!

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Tags: Bernard Poolman, Desteni Group, integrity, mind and body, Nietzsche, Saving the earth, self trust, self-integrity, Who do you trust, who do you trust yourself as
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Wrestling Imaginary Alligators of the Mind: DAY 109

September 13, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Is it Possible to Control the Mind? How do we Control the Monsters of the Mind? Must we Fight Them? How do we Develop Self-Trust in a world without Trust?

I am here sharing a point of feeling myself totally powerless towards having discussions with others. And so when I do ‘share’ my perspective – it will not be in breath, here breathing, supporting another unconditionally as myself or in common sense, but will be a ‘hissy fit’ in fact of blame, resentment, judgment, spite and desperation. I literally make it a fight. The worst part is that from what I can see at the moment, there is no distinction between points that in fact ARE unacceptable and that requires correction and support and points where I am interpreting what my partner is saying from within a reaction in myself. This means that I have no effective way of directing, trusting or assessing myself in the moment of communication. Often it leads to fights where I am primarily the one that is fighting, where I’ll raise my voice to a higher pitch and go into ‘discussion mode’ which I experience within myself as ‘battling the beast’ – almost like I am here as a ‘god fearing’ Christian person who is battling ‘the devil within’.

I’ve applied self-forgiveness and written on this point quite extensively on my Danish blog, however it still happens, and afterwards I feel ashamed, feel shitty, evil and guilty. In the moment of experiencing anger, I definitely experience it as righteous and even necessary for me to become angry as I perceive myself as being ‘up against’ a sort of ‘mind/ego-monster’ that is extremely powerful and resourceful and that can twist my words and manipulate me to doubt myself and take the blame on myself. This specific experience comes from memories of past relationships where I did this – but obviously all of it, is reflecting my relationship with myself. Afterwards I experience myself depleted and strained in/on my physical body.

When I bring this back to myself I can see that these points most often emerge when I have compromised myself in my own living participation, when I have shown myself that I cannot be trusted to care for what is best for all, when I have sabotaged a point of responsibility that I have taken and I am fighting inside/with myself believing that I must control and contain my own ‘beast’ or ‘monster’ of self-interest, ego and inconsideration.

So if I bring all of this back to myself, this is what the point is: I am not effectively directing myself to live in a way that is best for all. I fight with myself as ‘who I am’ in/as self-interest/ego in actually perceiving/experiencing/believing/accepting ‘who I am’ as self-interest/ego to be ‘more than’ and ‘stronger than’ me. This is based on memories of myself ‘giving in and giving up’ where I know that I have a tendency to do so and accept that ‘this is who I am and will be’ and instead of directing myself in practicality, self-support and common sense, I’ll judge myself and fight myself and believe that I must ‘control/contain the monster’ to become someone who can be trusted with caring for what is best for all. And as I accept myself – yet suppress and separate myself from/within/as – so will I see, perceive and experience my partner in/as a direct reflection of my relationship with myself. I am in fact ‘the monster’ that does not care and I am also the one who does not trust myself to care because of holding onto memories/definitions of myself as being untrustworthy and therefore have employed a point of self-control/containment to ‘deal with the issue’ which does in fact NOT deal with the issue, because my starting-point within that has been accepting that ‘this is who I am and will ever be’ and as such accepting myself as ‘the monster’ as superior and myself as the directive principle to decide who I am/will be as inferior as well as suppressing myself as ‘the monster’ in judging/moralizing it as inferior and presenting a superior character of ‘care’.

WHO is ‘The Monster’ of Self-Interest, Ego and Justification?

If I am cleaning and my starting-point is to “just get it over with” I will often neglect a specific point that I see requires cleaning. In that moment I know exactly what I am doing, I know that I am compromising myself and my living environment and I’ll come up with justifications like “well, it’s not that bad” or “I’ll leave it for later” or “I got so much to do so if I do this as well, I won’t have time for the important stuff.”

I do it through procrastinating deliberately – and it is within this deliberateness that I undermine and devalue my own self-integrity – I see what is required yet I CHOOSE not to do it, because I DON’T WANT TO. An example can be resisting any point of application and then complying with that resistance. That is undermining my own authority as directive principle and thus my development of self-integrity. I thus can’t trust myself to act in the best interest of all, because what is currently sitting in the driver seat deciding where I’m going is who I am as the mind, as self-interest and ego. But then at the same time, on top of this, I’ve placed another image of me as a responsible driver sitting there steering myself towards a world that is best for all. Clearly a point of self-deception.

I discussed all of this with my partner and he also pointed out that the main point in all of this is self-distrust where I allow thoughts/backchat/emotions and feelings to be the directive principle of how I care for – and control the cats and him and that I don’t trust myself to be here in the moment in directing myself HERE. The point that then immediately came up within me is: “well of course I can’t trust myself . Just look at me .” And then I’ll start listing in my mind all the reasons and ways that I can’t trust myself. What I’ve seen within this is that if I hold onto the belief that I can’t trust myself and within that experience it as righteous because I am saying to myself that “At least I know that I can’t trust myself and then take measures of control to ensure I don’t do harm”. When I think about the fact that I can’t trust myself, I experience a sense of ‘pride’ almost, like I am being ‘really self-honest’. “I am SO self-honest that I can admit that I can’t be trusted. That’s at least something.” But then when am I ever going to trust myself? When am I ever going to allow myself to build self-trust if all I do is remind myself how I can’t be trusted? And is that not exactly perpetuating the self-distrust in that I through that give myself permission to ‘not be trustworthy’? Yes. The cats thus represent my relationship towards ‘life’ as the process of changing myself to become a person that cares for what is best for all and that acts accordingly in every moment. The cats are what I see/define as Life/Innocence. My partner represents my relationship with myself in/as the mind and then the pivot as the question of how to live effectively as what is best for all, represents my process of walking myself out of the mind and into the physical in equality and oneness.

The solution:

What I see as the solution is that I must identify how I am untrustworthy to myself and then change these points of participation from self-distrust and compromise to self-trust and self-integrity, within and as changing the directive principle within which I apply myself in the particular point – and in all points. Furthermore I see that I require releasing and letting go of the belief/acceptance that I can’t be trusted/am not trustworthy. Because I can see how I’ve been using that as a backdoor to justify why I can’t apparently trust myself and then if/when I allow myself to deliberately compromise a point of participation, I can say: “see, I said I could not be trusted.” I believe that I must control my way out of the mind, that I must ‘smoke it out’ with force and contain it, like wrestling a giant alligator and using constraints to control it because I know that it’s stronger than me and would eat me in a second. The thing is though that there is no alligator and the alligator is not fighting me. It’s merely doing what I’ve programmed it to do in my abdication of myself. So it’s like instructing the mind to drive me for me, so that I can sit with my feet up and ‘enjoy the ride’ and then instructing it to “whatever I do or say, don’t let me take over the steering wheel” and then suddenly start yelling and screaming that “I must now take over the steering wheel” and “why are you driving? Why are you not letting me drive, it’s my car”. Lol.

So this entire point is actually utterly simplistic – because the point is for me to start taking responsibility for myself and that means within the immediacy of the moments of my day because that is where ‘the real shit goes down’. This is the point – to change/direct/correct myself within and as the menial moments of my daily participation and to change all these points, point by point, writing by writing, breath by breath, until I’ve stood equal to and have directed myself in self-responsibility and are simply here directing myself immediately in the moment. I can’t trust myself because I have not directed myself in every moment to become someone who can be trusted. It’s as simple as that. Wallowing in me not being able to trust myself is not going to change a damn thing – on the contrary. It’ll only open backdoors for me to slip through saying “sorry, I couldn’t help it” with a cheeky smile on my face and blushing cheeks. It’s not a matter of turning this point into an emotional farce/drama of saying “ohhh nooooo, I can’t trust myself, I’m so bad and evil” OR to say: “I can so totally trust myself, I’m awesome, it’s everyone else who’s fucked.” There is absolutely no practical reason for me not being able to change and direct myself in self-trust, trusting myself to develop self-trust. And there is absolutely no practical reason that I can’t live with my partner and the cats in a way that is effective, through me standing as an example within my relationship with myself. So that is my directive from here on out.

In my next post I will commence with self-forgiveness and self-corrective commitment statements.

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Becoming a Person of Integrity: DAY 102

September 3, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

What is integrity? How do we become Human Beings who stand within Integrity and Self-Trust? Why are we so Easily Corrupted? Who will we be without Fear?

This is a continuation to: Commitment as Directive Decision to Change: DAY 101

When and as I see that I am accessing and participating in a character of not caring about and not wanting to change myself – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here.

I see, realize and understand that the reason I have not changed is because I have made the decision to NOT change as who and what I am – as that which I have abdicated myself to within and as the mind can only exist as long as I don’t change or move myself out of the mind

I see, realize and understand that I through deliberately and specifically not caring about myself or changing myself am the creator and as such responsible for abuse and consequences in the world where children are left to starve, where mothers are leaving their children to rot in a dirty cot because they feel too depressed to stand up and take responsibility, that people allow themselves to abuse their bodies and fill their bodies with such an extensive amount of food and drugs and alcohol that the body cannot sustain itself and becomes ill and dies – I see, realize and understand that I through accepting and allowing myself to deliberately not care about myself or about changing myself, am directly and indirectly the responsible for us as human beings not caring about ourselves as life or about the physical life that is here unconditionally supporting us to live and as such that I am responsible for my own destruction of myself here within and as my human physical body and in and as the world system

I commit myself to stop, delete and step out of the ‘deliberately not caring about myself or changing myself in spitefulness, blame and revenge’ character

I commit myself to start caring about myself and caring about changing myself into and as a human being that cares about me as life that cares about all life as equal that cares about and is dedicated to creating a world that is best for all life

I commit myself to assist and supporting myself to develop care, consideration and awareness in, of and for my human physical body and as I develop care for my human physical body as myself, I commit myself to expand my care to all life as one and equal here, in and as the physical

When and as I see that I am participating within and as an experience of deliberately giving up on myself within and as a deliberate spite, blame and revenge towards ‘someone else’ as outside and separate from me, I stop.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat in and as an internal conversation in my mind where I speak to myself in code of impression where I deliberately sow a seed of doubt and mistrust towards myself in saying to myself that I have not changed, that I will not change and that I will never change – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to and as myself as my human physical body.

I see, realize and understand that the purpose of backchat within and as how I have created and accepted myself in and as backchat in abdication of myself to the mind, is to ensure that I remain preoccupied within and as the mind and never venture towards stepping out of the mind and as such that through backchat I have created innumerable fail safes to protect myself as the mind, yet I also see, realize and understand that the fail safes of the mind only can function and operate based on my decision to accept and allow myself to adhere to and submit myself to the backchat that comes up in and through my mind, as real, valid and valuable and as such that when I stop accepting my backchat as who I am I break the code and can simply stop participating and as such deconstruct and delete the code I have created in, of and as the mind and re-configure a new system of equality and oneness and self-honesty in honor of life as who I am here in and as the physical

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to believe that the backchat that comes up in my mind is who I am – and therefore is real, valid and valuable

I commit myself to let go of myself as back chat

I commit myself to stop and delete myself as the automated back chat entity that I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and abdicate myself to

I commit myself to break the code of safe fails in and as the mind through simply not accepting or allowing myself to accept that which comes up in and through my mind as real, valid or valuable and to deconstruct and delete the programs and systems of the mind through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and the application of deliberate and self-directed breathing and as such re-configure myself into and as a system of equality and oneness with and as myself here in and as my human physical body and in and existence as a whole

When and as I see that I am acting based on a starting-point of accepting and allowing myself to believe that it has no consequences whether I change or not, when and as I see that I am participating within and as the belief that it has no consequences whether I change or not through and within back chat – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself as my physical body.

I see, realize and understand that I have deliberately deceived myself into believing that it has no consequences if I change or do not change, so that I could justify acting in abuse and being an abuser without taking responsibility for myself or my actions or my creations or the consequences of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I see, realize and understand that I within and through the belief that it has no consequences if I change or not, have accepted and allowed a world that is run on abuse, where abuse is so extensive that billions and billions of life forms are suffering from the moment they enter this world until they die in agony, pain, enslavement and captivity

I see, realize and understand that I, through believing that it has no consequences if I change or not, have deliberately justified myself to not change and through that have created the world as it is where nothing and no one is changing and the consequences of what we have accepted and allowed is merely escalating into more and more extensive abuse, deception and suffering and the destruction of ourselves as life

I see, realize and understand that I have only been able to deceive myself into believing that my actions and who and what I accept and allow myself to be, have no consequences, because I have been born into a system where I have had money from birth and where I have not been exposed to the extensive abuse and suffering that exists in this world at a level where one has to live and die with the consequences of who and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become day in and day out, where I could create safe little bubble called ‘my life’ within the safety of a society where everyone else did the same and were suffering was denied and pushed away as something that does not involve or concern us

I commit myself to develop the self-honesty and the equality and oneness with what is here in and as this world as all living beings so that I can see directly the consequences of what and who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I commit myself to stop and delete the belief that me not changing has no consequences and that what I do and who I am has no consequences for anyone else and not even for myself and my physical body

I commit myself to realize that I am responsible for everything and everyone that is here on this planet and I commit myself to develop myself into and as a human being that is able to effectively in self-honesty and common sense asses the consequences of my actions and of my being as who and what I accept and allow myself to live and exist as – and to act and live accordingly in a way that is best for all life as equal and one

When and as I see that I am acting within and from a starting-point of not caring about the consequences that I KNOW my actions and acceptances and allowances will have, because I, in that moment only care my apparent free choice to do whatever it is that I want and desire to do – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here into and as myself as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the dedication and the decision to stand up as life in stopping myself as a self-interested being

I see, realize and understand that me not caring about the consequences of my actions and my acceptances and allowances, is in fact me not caring about myself, but only caring about myself as the mind, as a separate entity of self-delusion and illusion

I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to only care about myself as the mind, I am in fact accepting and allowing myself to exist as a parasite and a cancer cell that is existing in annihilation of life and as such are NOT free in any way whatsoever but in fact entirely and completely enslaved

I commit myself to in self-honesty asses the consequences of my actions, my acceptances and my allowances and accordingly I commit myself to change my actions, my acceptances and my allowance when and as I see that these will have consequences that are not best for all

I commit myself to stop participating in and accepting and allowing myself to act based on an idea/belief/desire/want/need to do whatever it is that I want and to have free choice

When and as I see that my actions are in fact abusive or consequentially abusive, I stop. I breathe and I re-align my actions here within and as what is best for all

When and as I see, that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a belief/idea about myself as caring, when I can clearly see that my actions are abusive and such that I am deliberately deceiving myself in self-dishonesty – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow myself to participate within and a pattern, an action, an addiction that I experience myself as unable to stop and change and step out of and that is clearly abusive or consequentially abusive, I commit myself to develop the required self-directive will and the decision to stop and step out of such action, pattern or addiction – exactly so that I do not simply speak words that sound good about stopping everything right at once when I can see that there are clearly points as patterns and addictions that I have not yet stood equal to and directed in self-honesty and to instead of splitting myself into a fake commitment to change and a real action of abuse, to formulate my self-commitment to self-corrective application in such a way that I do in fact ensure that I direct myself to stop accepting and allowing this pattern or addiction

I see, realize and understand that my words are only as valuable and worthy of life as I make them and decide them to be through giving myself the opportunity, the courtesy and the responsibility of changing myself accordingly and I see, realize and understand that it is absolutely useless and redundant and self-deceptive to speak words that I KNOW that I do not stand equal to and that such words will come back and bite me in the ass because I within speaking words that I do not in fact stand equal to, am creating an alternate deceptive entity of superiority in my mind that I then convince and pretend that I am – when I am clearly not and thus I create a detour and a time loop of stupidity for myself because I eventually have to go back – which means simply to bring myself back to myself here in self-honesty and in fact direct and correct myself as who and what I in fact am

When and as I see that I am participating within and as spitefulness in my mind as backchat and consequent experiences of blame, apathy, depression, anger, nastiness and deliberate abuse and self-pity based on my childhood development of this character in blaming others for who I am, I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I see, realize and understand that no one else is responsible for me or who I am and that I by blaming others and through this take revenge on them in my mind through deliberately abusing and giving up on myself, are in fact abdicating self-responsibility for myself and are acting within the utmost stupidity that exist

I commit myself to stop and delete and let go of the belief and memory of myself as taking revenge upon others through deliberately destroying and abusing myself

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as an experience of frustration towards points that I see that I have not yet changed, I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I see, realize and understand that I, through doubting myself and judging myself for not changing am in fact sabotaging myself to NOT change and to create a backdoor for myself to slip through so that I don’t have to change

I commit myself to stop and delete and stop participating in judgment and frustration towards points that I have not yet changed or corrected

I commit myself to stand within and as self-integrity and self-support and patience and gentleness in trusting myself to direct myself to change and to give myself the courtesy and respect of in fact living my commitment of trusting myself in showing myself that I can trust myself through consistently applying myself in practicality and self-honesty to in fact change

I see, realize and understand that I have used deliberate self-diminishment and self-destruction to spite and take revenge upon others that I perceive as having abdicated care and responsibility for me – in separating myself from and abdicating self-responsibility for me having abdicated my own self-care and self-responsibility

I see, realize and understand that I have deliberately abused and destroyed myself to get others to notice me and care for me within and as believing that if they saw what they were doing to me, they would stop and notice me and care for me – while all along, it was myself I was calling out to

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate from within and as a starting-point of backchat and experiencing that I am not good enough – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I commit myself to let go of, to delete and to stop the belief that I am not good enough

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to endorse and actively participate in the belief and acceptance and experience of myself as not good enough, I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I commit myself to stop holding onto the belief, experience and acceptance of myself as not good enough.

When and as I see, that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat and a consecutive experience of not being good enough as a mantra that I am repeating within and as my mind – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I see, realize and understand that I have used and utilized the mantra of not being good enough as a way to legitimize myself to not take self-responsibility or change or dedicate myself to stand up in equality and oneness absolutely to the fullest of my potential so that I could keep existing in a comfort-zone of a zombie-like dream state of mind-delusion

I commit myself to no longer accepting myself as not good enough.

When and as I see, that I am accepting and allowing myself to deliberately use the belief/experience/mantra/acceptance of myself as being not good enough to hold myself back deliberately from stepping over the edge of my self-created and self-accepted limitations, I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I see, realize and understand that the reason why I have been actively holding onto the belief that I am not good enough is because I know that were I to let the belief go that I am not good enough – if I were to admit that the belief that I am not good enough is not real and is something I have deliberately convinced myself is real – I would have nowhere left to ‘run’ and would have to take self-responsibility and face myself in self-honesty and face my fears and admit my true nature of my secret self to myself and I would no longer be able to justify any point of excuse or abdication

I commit myself to stop running away from myself and face myself here and to face my fears here and to face my secret self as who and what I have in fact accepted and allowed myself to be and become here in self-honesty and to no longer accept, allow or justify any point of excuse or abdication

When and as I see, that I am accepting and allowing myself to fear facing my fears and daring to stand up as myself in and as self-expression in self-honesty and therefore have activated the belief/acceptance/mantra/experience of myself as not good enough – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I commit myself to face my fears no matter what and to have the courage to stand up as myself in and as self-expression in self-honesty

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as blame towards someone else as outside and separate from me for being responsible for me apparently not being good enough, I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I see, realize and understand that I have trapped and enslaved myself to the past in always blaming someone else for my acceptance and experience of myself as not being good enough so that I could abdicate self-responsibility and did not have to face my fears or myself

I commit myself to stop blaming others – and stop projecting outside myself – my own creation of and my own responsibility for myself

I commit myself to let go of the past as that which I define, limit and experience myself in accordance with

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as an experience of comfort within participating in the belief/experience/acceptance and mantra that I am not good enough – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I see, realize and understand that I have used the belief/experience/acceptance and mantra that I am not good enough as a backdoor to avoiding facing my fears and to avoid anyone to have any expectations to me or make demands of me that I might risk failing and such have created a comfort zone within and as the acceptance of myself as not good enough where in fact made myself not good enough

I commit myself to stop and step out of and to delete my comfort zone of inferiority

I commit myself to dare and to give myself the chance and opportunity to discover and expand myself into and as my full potential through dedicating myself to whatever it is I am participating within and as in full attention and self-trust

When and as I see, that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a fear of not living up to what I have perceived as others expectations to me, of trying to prove myself worthy to others – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I see, realize and understand that the expectations I have perceived and believed that others had to me, was in fact my own expectations that I separated myself from and abdicated myself to by projecting them outside myself

I see, realize and understand that I have created an expectation to myself to be more than and less than who and what I am here

I commit myself to stop, delete and let go of the fear of not living up to the expectations of others

I commit myself to stop projecting my own expectations to myself onto others

I commit myself to stop separating myself from my own expectations to myself

I commit myself to stop expecting of myself to be more and less than who and what I am here

I commit myself to walk with myself here as who and what I am in equality and oneness through looking at myself in practical common sense and accordingly direct and correct myself to becoming a being that is practically best for all

I commit myself to stop, delete and let go of the story I have told myself about who I am

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to not venture into or participate in a specific action/participation through using the belief that I am not good enough – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself in and as my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

I see, realize and understand that I have used the belief that I am not good enough as an excuse to not venture into new forms of expression and participation because I feared that I would risk being ridiculed and that I would fail

I commit myself to support myself to venture into new forms of expression and participation that I do not already stand equal to and master in practicality

I commit myself to stop fearing venturing into new forms of expression and participation

I commit myself to stop, delete and remove my resonant energetic reaction and relationship that I have created and attached to the words ‘not good enough’ where I would immediately go into and as an experience of fear and shame of having failed and a literally dunking down as self-diminishment

I commit myself to redefine ‘not good enough’ as a practical assessment that holds no judgment or polarity so that ‘not good enough’ is simply a point of seeing in practicality where a point requires further direction/correction/dedication/participation and development to exist and be expressed within and as its full potential – like a bread that is under baked is not good enough and thus simply requires to be baked to its full potential for the perfect texture and eating experience

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that though there are points that I do not yet master or stand equal to this does not in any way define or invalidate my worth and is simply a practical fact that can be corrected and changed.

I commit myself to become someone who is standing within and as self-integrity through developing self-trust in dedicating and committing myself to the decision of standing for life in equality and oneness as what is best for all

Tags: abuse, Consciousness, Developing integrity, having integrity, integrity, Mind, Not Good enough, Physical body, self trust, Self-Abuse, self-integrity, Self-Love, Self-Respect, Self-Sabotage, walk with integrity
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Who am I as Passion as a Living Expression in Every Moment? DAY 54

June 22, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

What is the flame of life that burns within me/as me to burn down this House of Cards of Delusion?

How will I embrace my passion to live that will allow me to stand up within myself and within the standing up, fry this [mind-consciousness] system to pieces?

What is Passion as a Living Expression in Every Moment?

This question was asked to me in support and because I could not answer it, I have decided to write a blog post about this topic, to explore myself within and as the question: “Who am I as the passion of life?” – When the question first was asked, my immediate thought went to “passion” as “something to be passionate about”, like a hobby, an interest or a career. But the question is specific within asking: WHO AM I as the passion of life, as expression in every moment? The very fact that I could not answer the question exposes the fact that who and what I am at the moment, is NOT living myself as Passion. So instead of asking who I am as passion, it is pertinent to ask: Why/How am I NOT living as the passion of Life as expression in every moment?

“A Mind calibrated to create a world that is best for All Life Always is the only Mind worth having.” – Bernard Poolman

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live as the passion of life as expression in every moment because I have accepted myself as limited, as submissive, as subjected to and existing only within and as and through the mind, as a personality-entity based on memories and stored information that I have kept within and as me and defined myself according to as “who I am” – where I have lived and walked on this earth according to preprogrammed desires, fears, thoughts, emotions, feelings and reactions that at any given moment placed a directive before me as to who to be, how to speak, what to eat, what to wear, how to feel, what to fear and basically any and all expression of myself here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, perceive and fear that answering the question about who I am as the passion of life that burn the delusional system to the ground, is something I cannot do, in seeing and judging myself as incapable of establishing myself as ‘passion’ within and as myself – basically within judging, defining, perceiving and accepting myself as being ‘corrupted’ by who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as the mind – not seeing, realizing or understanding that the very seeing and the “who” that is seeing and judging myself IS in fact who and what I have accepted myself as in and as the mind, which thus therefore cannot be trusted to answer in self-honesty – as the very design of the mind is deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and to judge myself for experiencing myself unable and incapable of with certainty establishing a ‘passion for life’ and as such within that judge and define myself as ‘weak’ and ‘evil’ within seeing that if one is not passionate about life, it means that one has placed one’s passion into and onto the mind – the mind which very design is abusive and deceptive in nature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that I have placed my passion as myself into and onto the mind, thus existing to do the mind’s bidding in letting the mind decide what I am passionate about and what not, not considering, realizing or understanding that within how the mind is designed – how I have designed myself as the mind, the mind is only passionate about remaining as the mind at all costs – when in fact the very manifestation of the mind, IS my abdication of and separation from myself as life, which is thus what I reinforce and reconfirm when I accepted and allowed myself to be passionate about the mind’s desires, wants and needs only

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that as long as I allow my passion to be passion of mind, which only purpose is for me to remain in and as the mind – as separated from and in abdication of myself here as life – I cannot be passionate about life – because being passionate about life, IS to stop the mind as the separation from and abdication of myself here as life, SO that I can stand up and birth myself as life, here, in and from the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my passion to live that will allow me to stand up through doubting myself and distrusting myself and judging myself for who and what I have been and become within and as and through the mind – and as such give constant and continuous attention to the mind, through fuelling it with energy through my inner conflict and fighting with myself and as such also validate who and what I am within and as the mind, by taking who and what I am as the mind personally in reacting to my own thoughts and emotions and experiences, instead of allowing myself to see in common sense that the mind is a system that I have inserted into myself and as such abdicated myself to as the author and director of myself and within that have deceived myself into believing and accepting that who I am is the mind, while in fact the mind is nothing but a system, a placement, a program, a delusion – as the mind is NOT here physically manifested as the substance of life – but I AM as I am here in and as a human physical body, though yet to in fact establish myself in and as my human physical body as life-authority because I first have to take back my authority – and thus my responsibility for and as myself – from the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as long as I focus on myself as the mind, as ‘bad’, as ‘wrong’, as ‘unforgivable’ and basically constantly think about what I am doing wrong – I am accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself and my passion to live that which is best for all, simply by being preoccupied WITHIN and as the mind – and not see, realize and understand that the Physical is Real, Living here and THAT is where I can establish my passion to live that which is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize or understand the basic definition of “pre-occupation” as a “state of occupying beforehand” where “pre” means before and as such is the initial point of creation or insertion or direction of and as myself and where “occupation” is “fact of holding or possessing” which then means that, that which I am preoccupied within and as, is merely that which I have created myself into and as, as that which I hold and possess myself as - which is the mind and because I am preoccupied in and as the mind, it is by my directive decree that I am in and as the mind, which means that I can change my direct decree to exist within and as a different directive decree than existing in and as the mind, in and as the system I have designed and programmed myself into and as, specifically in separation from and abdication of myself here as life – thus as long as I am preoccupied within and as the mind, I cannot be life, I cannot live passion as myself in standing up, because I have already occupied myself beforehand in the possession of and as the mind – therefore I see now that to establish myself within and as passion as life, I must 1) stop accepting and allowing myself to be preoccupied within and as the mind, which means both in terms of the mind’s desires, wants and needs but also and specifically in terms of how I have taken the mind personally and reacted to the mind as “who I am” instead of seeing in common sense that the mind is a programmed system that is thus able to be re-programmed and altered into a program that supports me and through which I support myself to live the passion of standing up as live 2) through stopping the preoccupation of myself in and as the mind, through stopping participation in the mind and in taking the mind personally, I direct myself establish a new directive decree, a new authority that I have the opportunity to stand up within, as and from, in establishing myself here as the passion of life and 3) the basic design of the mind is to be and be passionate about anything and everything that is NOT physical, thus ideas, beliefs, emotions, feelings, imaginations, thoughts – basically delusions as they have no substance in and as the physical as none of these are physically manifested or can be shared and seen by everyone equally and therefore the way to establish myself as passion as life is to participate in the physical and to focus on my physical living and physical experience and physical interaction from where I can practically determine and establish myself as passion as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that to “occupy” simply means to “take up space and time” and that I as such has occupied myself through, within and as the mind, simply through accepting and allowed myself to participate within, as and from the mind instead of participating here in and as the physical space-time-reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the “passion to Live that will allow me to stand up within myself and within the standing up, fry this system to pieces” within and as not trusting myself, within judging and demoting myself in my mind and within and as seeing, defining, judging, experiencing, perceiving and accepting myself as inferior to the passion to live and as such see, perceive, define, judge, experience and accept the passion to live as something more than me – not seeing, realizing or understanding that I am the one who has to direct myself to BE and LIVE as the Passion to Live and that by accepting and allowing myself to direct and accept and define myself according to mind preoccupations I am in fact placing myself as the mind as more than myself as the passion to live – by allowing the mind to determine, dictate and direct who and what I accept myself as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the passion as a living expression in every moment simply starts with the act – as a directive decree I place before myself to walk according to – of stopping my preoccupation in and of the mind and walk the process of living here in the physical and direct my living participation in such a way that I live and act in and as an expression that is best for all – which also means that I must establish self-honesty within and as me, to be able to see and discern whether what I do is best for all or not. It means that I must establish self-trust which I establish through walking into and as self-trust in my directive decree. It means that I must establish a common sense and clear understanding about what best for all means in any given moment. It means that I must establish awareness, which I can do through slowing myself down, in my physical movements of myself and within focusing only on one point at a time, one breath at a time and remain aware of myself within and as breathing, so that I can see and determine who I am in every moment, and accordingly direct and redirect myself to the passion to live that which is best for all – without self-judgment or fear as that is part of the mind’s program which is not here in the physical or beneficial in any way for all and as such invalid and unacceptable as I, if I participate in self-judgment or fear am diminishing myself here within and as walking in breath as well as preoccupying myself in the mind and in taking the mind as who I am personally, instead of simply direct the mind as the program it is.

So: Before I can establish The Passion as a Living Expression in Every Moment I firstly commit myself to walk the decision to stop the preoccupation of the mind as whom and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as mentioned above, through stopping participation in and as the mind, because I see, realize and understand that I cannot live the passion of life, if I am preoccupied within and as the mind. I do so by supporting myself through acting according to what is best for all, in and as my physical participation as mentioned above, in slowing myself down, in establishing self-honesty and self-trust and awareness of and as myself here. This is then also how will I embrace my passion to live that will allow me to stand up within myself and within the standing up, fry this [mind-consciousness] system to pieces.

And so I walk.

Suggested read: http://journeytolife.aldinhrvat.com/day-67-the-delusion-of-experienceenergy-when-you-wont-change-in-negative-nor-in-positive-times/

Follow the blogs daily at Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk!

Tags: Life is Passion, Living Expression, Living passion, Mind, Passion for Life, Passion of Life, self trust, Self-Direction, self-expression, The passion of living
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Who I am as a Cheater: DAY 13

April 29, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

My entire life I have taken short-cuts and the easy way out. I have been a cheater. As this pattern is affecting my participation in my world and my reality in many ways that are not only compromising for myself but for everyone around me, I have now decided to investigate it so that I can stop and stand up from within and as it.

This is a writing I started quite some time ago – however I did not write the self-corrective statements or how I was going to live differently according to the realizations that came up as I wrote this pattern out. So I have here revised the writing and completed it, as in walking through it and taking it through to self-correction as well as placing additional statements of self-forgiveness.

Being a cheater is quite a prominent pattern in my life. Let me first define what I mean by being a cheater.

Dictionary definition:

Act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage. Deprive of something by deceitful or unfair means.

Avoid (something undesirable) by luck or skill

By being ‘a cheater’ I mean the characteristics of someone that lies and cheats to get what they want, someone that is willing to deceive to get what they want. It is thus a point of deliberate deception and deliberate lying.

When I do it, there is backchat of “ha ha, I do this because I want to – fuck everyone else” and then I feel extremely guilty afterwards. Thus is it also a pattern of polarities.

An example: I have made a self-agreement to get up immediately as I wake up, yet I have through backchat convinced myself that it is okay to sleep more. I also do it when I convince myself that it is ok to eat something that is not supportive for my body. So that is basically how this works: I convince myself, through directing myself according to thoughts/backchat – or rather submitting myself to thoughts and backchat – that it is okay to do something I have agreed not to do, or to not do something that I have agreed to do. I cheat for example when I do not want to do my school work, yet it is what is required in the moment and I instead allow myself to instead watch a movie.

So being a cheater is one of the basic components of living in deliberate interest of mind as ego. Because it is thoughts and self-talk as backchat through which I am participating in this pattern – accepting that “who I am” in that moment, is based on and defined by thoughts. I can clearly see how I have compromised self-honesty extensively because of and through accepting myself to participate and live according to this pattern.

As I started to open this point up for myself through simply looking at it within me, I saw more and more points in my life, where I have taken short cuts and cheated. I saw that basically my entire life has been a dance around only doing the easy things in Life.

When I was in kindergarten, I refused to do things that required me to sit down and focus. I experienced myself awkward when there was something I was not good at. I did not like not being good at something, it made me feel less-than and out of control.

With exams, studies and homework I have been cheating as well, not doing the work. Then when I got good grades anyway, I realized that I could cheat the system deliberately and that I merely had to be good at pretending, so I perfected it until I could simply cheat my way through education (and life in general).

When I talked to my partner about this, he mentioned that there within this point is also a point of feeling worthless and I saw how I feared failing and because of this took the easy way out.

What I am facing now is the consequences of this pattern, where I literally can’t trust myself to do what is required to be done, where I have no integrity because taking the easy way out, the short cuts in life has become an automated pattern. As soon as I experience something as difficult, I tend to take the easy way out. If I experience that I will not get an instant pay-off or get something out of it, I take the easy way out. Another point that then also stands in relation to this, is that I have only be able to do what is required to be done, as long as I experienced myself getting some form of appraisal or approval for it – that I required a reward from others to do anything. This means that I have not ever in my life, or at least barely, acted and lived in support of myself, standing in self-integrity and in support of others. This has become a definite liability, because my application within and through this acceptance and allowance has become conditioned and unstable.

The consequences are amongst other points that I am missing out of lots of opportunities. In relation to school for example, I am missing out on reading books and gathering information, I am missing out on enjoying myself in self-trust that I WILL get it done. I am missing out of being an equal participant in this world that takes self-responsibility and does whatever is required to change what is here. The point is that as I currently exist within and as this pattern, I can’t actually trust myself.

How I play out this pattern is as follows:

I am faced with a point that I for example cannot with ease apply myself within because I do not already have obtained the information. Instead of pushing myself and applying myself to get to know the point, I immediately give up on myself and on the point. What I am in fact experiencing is fear and inferiority in that moment, but then I suppress it, blame it on the point/person I am facing and turn to take the easy way out, so that I don’t have to face my fear. The same occurs when I face a point of seeing how I have been self-dishonest or not lived in a way that is best for all. Instead of immediately moving to the correction of the point that I have separated myself from/into/as, I have instead judged myself and been ashamed and from there justified not correcting myself through bullying and blaming myself and thus suppressing and separating myself from the point at hand. I have been doing this for years and now I am more or less unable to do anything that I do not already find easy or that has no reward in the form of attention, approval and appraisal from others. This limits the things I can do effectively, quite extensively.

I am pushing it though for example with Pilates, but with my studies, with the DIP or with the agreement or with walking through points, I have not. In fact most of my days goes with dancing around responsibilities, looking at what I want, what I should and should not do, how to get out of responsibilities, how I am bad because I did or did not do something, what makes me feel good (lol – I wrote “god” instead of good”) so – that which makes me feel like am an amble god. Interesting. That which makes me feel like I am a god over myself – when in fact what is god is the conditioned, preprogrammed and automated behavior that exists with the only purpose of keeping me from realizing myself as fully responsible for myself.

I can see that what is relevant is to lay out exactly how these patterns play out in my daily participation.

Now – let’s have a look at the words that came up as expanded perspectives (I used muscle communication to open up additional words in relation to the point. You can read more about muscle communication here.

Joyless – there was joy or there is a comparison to joy as it is joy-less

Quaverous – trembling from weakness

Fright – Intense fear/shock

Maltreated – treated cruelly or with violence (That which I believe gives me the “right” to cheat. Fear)

Perplex – feeling baffled

So these are the basic experiences that are the foundation of this pattern. I can see that an important part of how and why this pattern is playing out, is within how I suppress my actual experience of myself in the moment of facing that which is difficult. So I have not wanted to face myself. I see how I within this have created an ideal image of myself that I desperately have wanted to keep up in my mind, of being able, capable and amble in my participation. But within doing so, I have trapped myself in one-dimensional behavior that would not threaten my idea of myself.

Furthermore, this cheater personality have become one nasty motherfucker, deliberate. It is a coward. I am a coward pretending to be a hero. There it is. Or even a potential “hero” in the sense of someone that stands up in support of Life, pretending to be a coward.

So when I am faced with an experience that I perceive as difficult, I feel weak, I feel violated by it and by the people I blame as responsible for my experience of myself – the same happens when I perceive someone as treating me unjustly.

So these are the experiences with which I have justified me giving up on myself, the experiences I have suppressed.

The thoughts triggering this pattern are thus not conscious – the trigger is fear – the thoughts of excuses, cheating and justification are then meant to make sure I avoid the fear, avoid facing the fear so that I can keep my image of myself as able and capable and amble – and not face myself as that which I in fact am, as myself and as this world in its totality.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to take short cuts as the easy way out of situations that I experienced difficult or that did not have instant payoff in a positive experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a cheater within lying and cheating others as well as myself to get what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be willing to deceive to get what I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately cheat, lie and deceive myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about cheating myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a positive energetic charge to the act of deliberately deceiving myself and others to take short cuts and the easy way out to get what I want because I within that felt and experienced myself as a “god” over myself and others, in control of the situation – not realizing that what was in control all along, was fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate in the thoughts of fucking everyone else and to within that feel good about myself as though I become more by putting others down in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in spitefulness in my mind projected towards what I perceive as everyone else, as those I experience myself hurt or restricted or judged by, when in fact it is and have always been myself

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that projecting my acceptances and allowances and responsibility for who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as onto others, is in fact the epitome of spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts as back chat of the polarity of spite and guilt, where I see and experience myself either as superior to others and to myself and to the point I am facing, by perceiving myself as a good “con-artist” that is so smart that I am able to get away with cheating, or the opposite as being inferior, a bad person and weak-minded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, see, accept and experience myself as superior to others and to myself and to the point I am facing, by perceiving myself as a good “con-artist” that is so smart that I am able to get away with cheating

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, see, accept and experience myself as inferior as being a bad person and weak-minded because I allow myself to cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself guilty that I have allowed myself to be spiteful in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feeling guilty means that I am a good person after all – not seeing that both polarities are sides of the same coin and that I, within participating in either, am creating the other and accepting myself as a slave and a subject to these two polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I feel guilty about being spiteful, and then the spitefulness is not so bad and that feeling guilty is a noble thing to do

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the experience of “guilt” is orchestrated by myself as a strategic placement to justify for myself acting and living deliberately in ways that are abusive and not best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever sabotage myself through participating in back chat and I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize, that who I am as backchat cannot be trusted, as backchat is the manifestation of my deliberate abuse through fear, greed and deception

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through allowing myself to participate in back chat, have allowed myself to convince myself that it is okay to sleep more or not do my home-work or my DIP

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and deceive myself to continue sleeping and thereby break my agreement with and as myself and make myself completely untrustworthy and unreliable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to break my agreement with myself to get up immediately through participating in back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse getting up in the morning because I don’t want to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist getting up in the morning within having to face my acceptances and allowances and take self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself as powerful and god-like when I cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good when I cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad when I cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself through and within back chat that it is okay to eat foods that are not supporting for my human physical body when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat myself into believing that it is okay to eat foods that are not supportive for my human physical body when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that it is ok to not do things I have agreed to do and do things that I have agreed not to do when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat when I don’t want to do my school work and that I have instead allowed myself to watch a movie when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into cheating with my school work, believing that it is someone/something else I am cheating, when in fact the only one I am cheating is myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat with my school work and allow myself to watch a movie when I experience the school work as difficult, instead of pushing through the fear and resistance and allow myself to support myself to study and realize that I am not fear and that I don’t have to fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse to participate in any point that requires me to sit down and focus, because I within that, am faced with myself, when in fact what I am doing is deliberately abusing and sabotaging myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse to participate in any point that I am not good at and to feel good about that, because I have defined avoiding “bad experiences” as positive self-protection

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as awkward and feel anxiety when I am to participate in something that I am not good at and to justify that experience and acceptance of and for myself, by allowing myself to not push through the resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat with school work, to deliberately not do the work based on a perception and experience that I am more than the school work suppressing the experience and judgment of myself as less than the school work and to justify that experience and acceptance of and for myself, by allowing myself to not push through the resistance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat the system when I discovered that I could get good grades anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, define, perceive, experience and accept myself as more than and superior to the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perfect that act of cheating to the extend where everything I have been, existed and lived within and as, has been an act of cheating and deceiving and lying

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it was in fact not someone or something outside, separate from me I was cheating, but in fact myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cheat myself out of and from participating effectively and completely in my world and my reality

I forgive myself, that I, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as a cheater, have not accepted or allowed myself to participate effectively and unconditionally in my world and my reality, to the utmost of my ability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of immediately giving up on myself, when there is something I experience as difficult and within that in fact perpetuate the experience of difficulty, by complying with it as “self-care” – instead of questioning and challenging my own self-limitations and actually realize myself and stand up

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to compromise and sabotage myself by taking the easy way out, the shortcut when faced with a point in myself or in my world and reality that I perceive as being difficult and to within that have experienced that I was doing good for myself, when in fact I was cheating myself out of living

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face myself within experiencing, perceiving, judging, defining and accepting myself as worthless and to within that support myself, but instead have been, lived and acted as a coward and have supported myself only as a cheater, as avoiding that which I found difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate a consequence for and as myself, where I cannot trust myself, where I have no integrity, because I have and within having automated the pattern of suppressing myself and always take the easy way out, through complying with fear and resistance in an experience and belief as self-deception, that I am in fact supporting myself, when what I am supporting is my own cowardice and self-denial

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have sabotaged and missed out on opportunities through having abdicated myself to the pattern of taking the easy way out in all and every situation and as such diminished myself and my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and sabotage for myself the opportunity of reading books and educating myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny and sabotage for myself the opportunity of enjoying myself in the self-trust that I WILL get it done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, define, judge, experience and accept myself as more than and superior to the point I am facing as new and difficult as a strategy to cope with my experience of in fact perceiving, defining, judging, experiencing and accepting myself as inferior to the point I am facing – and instead of facing that, have accepted and allowed myself into giving up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, define, experience, judge and accept myself as inferior to and less than the point I am facing as new and difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate the point of facing myself in a point that is new to me, as being difficult and that I am thus less than and inferior to the point and that I should avoid it at all costs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a pattern of dancing through my day in avoidance of responsibilities and only do that which makes me feel good and what I want and prefer to do to not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as myself, in my world and my reality as a god, as the mind as backchat that I have accepted and allowed myself to obey like an obedient slave or follower, believing and trusting that as long as I do what the mind says, I will be safe – not allowing myself to realize in self-honesty, that I as the mind, is that system which I have created to separate myself from myself and not ever accept or allow myself to realize myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate god with free-choice and to believe that if I give up free choice, I cannot be god as I perceive myself, in control of my actions, myself, my life and even of others – when in fact that which is in control – and as such is god – is the mind, due to my deliberate self-abdication

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that actually being god means taking responsibility for all that is here and direct it as myself according to what is best for all in bringing all parts of myself back together here, so that I can rebirth and re-earth myself as life from the physical that I have enslaved and conditioned to existing as a minion of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an experience of being a god over myself and my reality within acting based on emotions, feelings, desires and fears and in that not see or realize that I have allowed the mind, myself as the mind to be the directive principle and thus god over and as me and as such that all I have ever existed as, was a slave to a conditioning program that I myself have designed to not realize my own self-abdication of myself as all life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an ideal image of myself in my mind, in separation of and from myself here and the contrary polarity of being flawed and as such exist in a constant battle between polarities, in what seemingly is a form of balance, but in which I am at constant war with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desperately want to hold onto my ideal image of myself in fear and refusal to face myself in and as self-responsibility as who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and that which I perceive and accept myself to really be, as being flawed – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding – that all that is here: is my acceptance and allowance – that it really is as simple as that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in a one-dimensional personality as ego of mind that I have created to not have to give up the façade and front that I have placed self-deceptively in front of my own eyes as a veil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as myself and my world and reality as a coward, that exits completely and entirely subjected to fear, in fact as a dedicated devotee of fear, that would never dare to question the “righteous path” of fear – in fear of fear itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself for what I perceive as me being a coward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as coward based on me being a coward as not being who, what and how I want to be and be seen as by others and as such lie to myself and convince myself that I am not a coward, when in fact it is what I am and have allowed myself to be – by subjecting myself entirely to fear

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that being a coward simply means allowing myself to abdicate myself to fear, allowing fear to be the directive principle of and as me

I forgive myself that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to investigate what fear actually is as myself and that I instead have allowed myself to abdicate myself to fear in the belief, perception, definition, experience and acceptance of myself as less than fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to fear, so that I could abdicate self-responsibility for who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive, believe and experience myself as a victim, as violated when I am faced with a situation that is not as I would want it to, believe that I am being treated unjustly by someone, something else outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel, weak , violated and unjustly treated when another does something I perceive as hurting or harming me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold something, someone else responsible for my experience of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own experience of and as myself as the creator of and as my own experiences and in that abdicate self-responsibility and self-power of what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use, abuse and manipulate myself through and with this experience of being a victim, as a justification for giving up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the fact that I am the creator of my own experience of and as myself and that I as such am responsible for all and everything that I accept and allow within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as thoughts of self-victimization and inferiority to avoid facing myself within and as the image that I have created of and as myself as more than and superior

As I had written all of this, I went back into the pattern. I literally re-engaged it and became it again, full on – and as I have been doing that I have been looking at what this pattern is. Or rather, I have faced myself within and as it brutally as it exists, as I exist in it, in its totality. I actually first wrote “as I exit in it” – and that is exactly what it is: I check out of my participation, saying “fuck everything and everyone – I will do as I please, and then do so frivolously. (excuse = the exit I use) Then I feel immense guilt and shame afterwards and judge myself, believing that what I have done, who I am is unforgivable. What I am seeing is that this pattern indeed is a Christian pattern, because I experience and perceive myself as a sinner, as having sinned before god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in sin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a sinner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believed that I have sinned when I allowed myself to deliberately abuse and cheat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in sin in and as a moral polarity relationship to sanctity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a saint

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a saint

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define saints as good and positive and sinners as bad and negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity relationship to, towards the words saint and sinner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a polarity relationship between the words saint and sinner

Another point I have been looking at, as I woke up this morning after yet another day of “cheating”, was that this is the stuff child molesters are made up – it is the most intense form of spite and deliberateness there exist. And I exist as that, right here, right now. It is not a past pattern that I have pushed and moved through. It is a part of the reality of who I am here. It is why I gave up on myself, it is who I allowed myself to be when I gave up on myself, when I refused to see and stand up for what is best for all.

I see my partner and the other Destonians applying themselves relentlessly and I pretend that I am like them, to not be exposed as the cheater I have allowed myself to become, yet at the same time live the exact opposite as pretending to myself that I am a sinner/cheater/coward, to justify for myself to keep deliberately abusing – when in fact I can simply stand up as an equal, equally responsible for what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am effective in my application, so to not be exposed as the cheater that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – and I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I have been hiding behind being a cheater, to not actually allow myself to stand up in self-trust

I can see now how the jealousy towards others, the belief that I am inadequate, are all smoke screens that I have used to victimize myself, to not have to face myself in and as the brutality of this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as jealousy and the belief that I am inadequate as a point of manipulation to victimize myself to not have to face myself in and as the brutality of the deliberate abuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as

When I look at the point within me, I see it as a huge problem, as something dangerous living inside me, as me existing as a point of danger, a deliberate evil. I still fear being evil and I see that I have no choice but to accept the fact that I am. In that way, evil is to deliberately use one’s power to inflict harm onto others or self, simply because it fits one’s personal interest. It is interesting that this point imply a point of power, because within that one also has the option to act differently – yet do not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, experience and believe that I have something dangerous existing inside me that I exist as a point of danger, as a deliberate evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and believe that I am evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as evil by existence – and thus within that separate myself from myself as the evil that I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as – as well as from myself as existence as all that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from, within and as that which I have perceived, judged and defined as deliberate evil – as doing harm onto another/self deliberately through using power to serve one’s own interest as ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as that which I perceive as deliberate evil and within that suppress myself as that which I have perceived to be deliberate evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can and will never be forgiven for having accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately evil and that I don’t deserve to be forgiven, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that only I can forgive myself and that self-forgiveness is an act of taking self-responsibility and correcting myself to change – and that not forgiving myself is therefore the same as deliberately not changing myself

If I can forgive Hitler or Anu and if they can forgive themselves – if anyone can, then I can too.

Nothing can be too “sacred” as too profane to be forgiven – that would be arrogant – whereas unconditionally forgiving oneself, is in fact an act of humbleness – lol saying that I am “too bad” for self-forgiveness is indeed a major point of self-deception

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that saying that I am “too bad” to be forgiven, to forgive myself or to deserve forgiveness, is in fact a point of major self-deception, as self-forgiveness is the very act of facing myself in self-honesty and taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and to commit myself to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility for having allowed myself to exist and accepted myself as deliberately abusing another/self through power to serve myself as ego

So this is what I am facing. This is what I am facing myself as, these “small” thoughts as back chat where I say to myself that I will take the easy way out, take the short cut.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-talk as back-chat in the mind where I speak to myself that it is okay to compromise myself, to take short cuts and to take the easy way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take myself and this pattern way too seriously, in perceiving and accepting that this is really who and what I am, instead of supporting myself to sort myself out and focus on the solution instead of the problem within and as seeing myself as a “sinner”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see points that emerge from within and as the mind, as gifts and opportunities for me to face myself and stand up from within and as the mind

So let’s have a look at this point from the perspective of it being a gift.

The first point I see is not a gift at all. I looked at sharing the point with the Destonians and I see that I am miles apart from who I believe they perceive me as, from who and what I want to be perceived as.

Is this the most evil point that exists within and as me, the most evil point I exist as? (Again I wrote “exit as…”- Exit as: walk out/way out of)

Yes it is. Because this point is the starting-point for all other evils, torture, abuse, child molestation, rape. It is cool from that perspective: I am from a certain perspective, facing the most evil side and part of myself. And at least I see it. At least I have brought it here for myself to face, embrace, stop and change.

It is interesting that “evil” specifically exists within and as a moral judgment vs. evil, exactly as sinning is the moral polarity of sainthood or goodness. Interesting: I keep writing exit instead of exist and now I wrote “goodness” instead of goodness. So it is the exit of god, the exit out of god – the abdication of godliness that is perceived as sin – accepting that with god as the only savior is then what makes the saint. The insistence and creation of abdication of responsibility. And it is the utmost expression of superiority, saying “I am good, my life is good – so I can do what I want, because it is not me that is going to face the consequences” – obviously that is also delusional because there is no escape from consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can do what I want in the belief that I am not accountable for my actions and that I don’t have to face the consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dilute and deceive myself into believing that it is possible to escape the consequences of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become, create and manifest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe, define, experience and accept myself as superior within the belief that I don’t have to face the consequences of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a an arrogance as ego as superiority in the belief that I am and can be free from consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my belief that I can be free from consequence on having lived with money my entire life not having to stand accountable or responsible for myself in any way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dilute and deceive myself into believing that my actions to do not have consequences and that I am free to do what I want, when I want it, how I want it, with who I want to

So how am I facing this point? My experience has changed, I am more stable now, interestingly enough within the realization that this is as evil as it gets. If I can forgive this point, I can forgive anything. And also it is about facing the reason we are here where we are, in total separation, abuse and inequality, exactly because of this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to and as the mind as ego in living, existing and acting according only to that which serves my interest as ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into and as an existence based on deliberate abuse through power and superiority towards that which I perceive and believe myself as having power over as inferior to me

Relevant words to look at within investigating the origin of this point are:

Emotions:

“Nonchelant” – “not concerned”

“Restrict” – deprive of freedom of movement

Oblyquy – strong public condemnation

Feelings:

Lighthearted – as being a light worker. “Someone that has the light in their heart”.

So what I am seeing is actually that this point pertains to the totality of my existence. In my walking with the light, I have actually existed as this point of deliberate evil, yet in perceiving myself as a saint. In that, I have experienced myself restricted and feared public condemnation in that my secret would be revealed.

I forgive myself that I, within walking with the light as the belief in heaven, ascension and a godly existence, have allowed myself to exist in deliberate abused through and as ego

I forgive myself that I, within walking with the light, have perceived myself as sanctified and righteous while in fact I was allowing myself to exist as evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear of being exposed and revealed as that deliberate abuser that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of exposing myself to myself as what I have accepted and allowed as deliberate abuse, onto someone, something, outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as deliberate abuse as that which I have defined as evil and within that abdicated self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the light is righteous and good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the darkness is bad and evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I, within walking with the light, am good and righteous.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within walking with the light, I have in fact only cared about myself as fear in and as ego of the mind

The secret that I don’t care or concern myself within anything or anyone because I perceive myself as above everything and everyone. I am surprised to discover that this pattern relates to my walking with the light – because I have perceived it entirely in its totality as the exact opposite, as devilish and cruel. Wow – so this was what I, as the light refused to face – my own deliberate inconsideration of what is here.

I forgive myself that I, within and as walking-with and as the light have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into pushing that away through which I could change myself in self-honesty and instead embrace only self-deception in beliefs about who and what I was

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the light as a diversion and deception to hide my own darkness and self-honesty from myself and as such have created a positive polarity as that which I only allowed myself to see and experience myself as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the light to escape myself as the darkness

I forgive myself that I, within and thorough walking-with/as the light as a positive charged polarity have suppressed and separated myself from myself as darkness, as the truth of me and within that perceive, define, judge and fear myself as being evil

My own claim to free-choice based on the perception and experience that I am more-than what is here and therefore do not have to suffer the consequences. This makes perfect sense. And I have feared facing this point within and as me; I have resisted facing myself as it and as such made myself a complete slave to this point. So what I am facing in my daily participation, where I have deliberately turned my back on what is best for all, is a representation of what I have allowed as the totality of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my back on what is best for all as the manifestation of the totality of my existence as who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

And as I have burning desires to go against the rules, I equally have a desire to be the perfect slave, the perfect soldier of god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a burning desire to go against all rules and as a polarity to that have desires to be the perfect slave

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk-with the light specifically to have something to follow outside separate from me that promised a hope of escaping of facing myself instead of actually walking here, self-directed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the perfect solider for god, the blind follower that follows in blind trust, so that I can avoid taking self-responsibility

So in my unwillingness to face myself in and as this point in self-responsibility, I have given my power of myself to it and thus made it “impossible” to direct myself to change.

I forgive myself that I, in my unwillingness to face myself in and as this point in self-responsibility, I have given my power over myself to the fear of facing myself and within that made it seemingly “impossible” for me to direct myself to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the belief, perception, experience and acceptance that it is impossible for me to change myself as a justification for not changing

Because as I was trying to change, it was from within the light itself, in believing I must renounce darkness, reject it, avoid it – while actually this point WAS the light itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to change from within walking-with the light in the belief that I must fight against, avoid and reject darkness , while in fact it was within the light itself that I had deceived myself, cheated myself, separated myself and deliberately harmed and abused based on the perception, belief and self-definition that I am superior and more-than what is here as the manifested consequence of what I have accepted and allowed

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself as darkness, as the origin of me, in self-honesty facing who, what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I will face and am facing the consequences of this acceptance and allowance and that those consequences are my own creation. “All” I can do is to face myself, embrace myself and from here, stop, stand up and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be able to do what is required to be done, as long as I experience myself getting a reward from outside of myself, as appraisal or approval and as such that I have created within me a “requirement” of what I have perceived, experienced and accepted as a reward from others to do anything or move myself

I forgive myself that I, within, through and because of this self-imposed condition and limitation have not ever acted or lived in full and unconditional support of myself and of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I, within, through and because of this self-imposed condition and limitation have accepted and allowed myself to be, become, live and exist as a liability where I cannot be trusted or trust myself to move myself and as such that my application within and through this acceptance and allowance has become conditioned and unstable and compromised and diminished

I forgive myself that I, Instead of immediately moving to the correction of the point that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from/into/as, instead have judged myself and been ashamed and from there justified not correcting myself through bullying and blaming myself and thus suppressing and separating myself from the point at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into a manifestation, consequence and condition where I have become more or less unable and conditioned to do anything that I do not already find easy or that has no reward in the form of attention, approval and appraisal from others and that I as such have limited and diminished myself to the utmost extend

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the “god” I have been submitting myself to unconditionally as fear, backchat and the pattern of cheating within the perception of being a “god” as in control over and of myself, is the conditioned, preprogrammed and automated behavior that exists with the only purpose of keeping me from realizing myself as fully responsible for myself.

Self-Commitment and Correction

I commit myself to support myself to stop all participation in back-chat as I realize that I, as back-chat, as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to, that which I have given the responsibility for me, to direct and guide me, is in fact based on fear – and cannot be trusted, as it will always and only lead me to not stand up or realize myself as life – as all it is and exist as and consist of in its “core” – is fear of loss.

I commit myself to stop all points of self-justification through thoughts, backchat, emotions, feelings and reactions wherein and from I have allowed myself to cheat myself through the belief that I am doing myself a favor by avoiding the “bad” – while in fact, this is a point of self-deception where all I am avoiding is the realization – and thus change – of myself as the truth of me, as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I realize that I have never actually valued myself and that I have created a pattern to make life more easy for myself, but all I did was to suppress myself to avoid facing myself and taking self-responsibility and because of this, I missed out on so many opportunities to live and stand and move myself effectively in and as the world

I commit myself to redefine the word “discipline” to a word wherein and from I stand equal to in self-dedication, integrity and dignity to all in all ways – according to what is best for all – and to stop all points of procrastination, deception, abuse, cowardice and fear

I commit myself to support myself to face myself as the truth of who and what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become, exist and live as, without self-judgment or blame – and to immediately bring myself to self-forgiveness, in understanding that self-forgiveness is not about “deserving it” – but about taking responsibility for giving myself back to myself and as such take self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and through that change myself into a being that stands and live and acts only that which is best for all life

I commit myself to remain here and to perfect and purify my actions, words, movements until only that which is best for all remains

I commit myself to walk in self-honesty through the pattern of cheating and to see, identify and flag point all points of participation wherein I utilize and activate and go into the pattern of cheating – in the realization that I have only done this deliberately to not face myself in and as fear – and to avoid facing myself in the totality of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and as such abdicate self-responsibility, so that I can keep living in deliberate ignorance and justification of my abuse against myself as life

I commit myself to stop all points of abuse against myself as life and to support myself to stand within and as unconditional self-support, embracing myself as the evil that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I commit myself to face myself with open eyes and to stand within the realization that seeing and interpreting myself and my actions through self-judgment is NOT having open and self-honest eyes

I commit myself to stop all self-judgment as I realize that the purpose of self-judgment is for me to procrastinate the point of self-forgiveness, self-correction and change

I commit myself to support myself to bring myself back here in every moment of every breath that I am participating within and from and as the mind and to support myself to direct myself to breathe through any and all experiences that may come up

I commit myself to stop all relationships that I have created through memories with thoughts that I have attached emotional experiences to in and through which I have allowed myself to become possessed and submerged and to establish a relationship of self-honesty, self-dignity, integrity and self-trust and self-intimacy within and as myself.

Until it is done.

Visit us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk.

Tags: Being a Cheater, Cheat, Cheating, Compromising, Deceiving, I am a Cheater, integrity, Lack of Integrity, self trust
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Self-Forgiveness – Release, Breathe, Walk

September 9, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that my ability to structure myself within writing and within applying self-forgiveness is ‘gone’ and thus believe that I am no longer capable of applying myself structurally in Self-Discipline and Self-Direction, instead of Realizing that I have to Will myself to Structure and Discipline myself – that it is not something that happens by itself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to trust myself to Stand and instead having expected myself to fall, thus creating a backdoor through manipulating myself by listening to and trusting the mind as me speaking to and existing as ‘myself ‘, while it is actually a programmed information system based on words and symbols that I have imprinted with energy, through Accepting it as myself and through defining myself according to it – that I have Abdicated myself to

I DIRECT ME HERE
I ALLOW MYSELF TO TRUST MYSELF TO STAND AND STAND AND STAND UNTIL I STAND

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself, within my Process of Standing up, by using specific tactics of emotional manipulation through allowing myself to be Directed by the Mind – to prevent myself from Standing up
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to absolutely specific with how I have manipulated myself, thus actually manipulating myself to only walk ‘half the way’ and not ‘all the way’, thus not walking at all
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear walking all the way
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to defend not walking all the way, by experiencing, defining and judging walking all the way in absolutely specificity as ‘unnecessary’, ‘boring’, ‘hard’ and ‘scary’ – instead of realizing that these experiences are not real, that they are specifically designed to keep me from Realizing myself and Standing up for and As All Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to design myself as Self-Deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as Self-Deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to generate emotions of ‘apathy’, ‘anxiety’, ‘guilt’, ‘shame’, ‘anger’ when I have been faced with a point of transcendence and through having submitted myself to these emotions, believe that I am these emotions thus justifying not pushing through the point of transcendence and actually Changing myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be specific in revealing to myself how I have manipulated myself, thus manipulating myself to not face myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘rushing’ and through this energetic personality of ‘rushing’ having justified not Standing up and Applying myself in Self-Honesty and Common Sense
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I have to ‘rush’ to ‘make it all’, while in fact rushing makes me ineffective and imperfect and is thus useless as a technique to get as much done as possible

I SUPPORT MYSELF TO SLOW DOWN AND REMAIN HERE – TO PARTICIPATE IN DILIGENCE, INTEGRITY, SPECIFICIFTY AND PERFECTIIVITY IN EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY BREATH
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO REMAIN HERE AND FOUCS ON PERFECTING MYSELF IN EVERY BREATH
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO STOP ALL FUTURE PROJECTIONS AND SPECIFICALLY THE PERSONALITY OF RUSHING AND WITHIN THAT THE ENERGETIC EXPERIENCE OF RUSHING AND THE JUSTFICATION THAT I HAVE MANIPULATED MYSELF THROUGH, THAT I HAVE TO RUSH TO GET STUFF DONE. I HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT BY RUSHING I GENERATE ENERGY AND TENSION WITHIN ME AND I AM LESS EFFECTIVE.
I HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT BY SLOWING DOWN AND REMAINING HERE IN AND AS BREATH, I AM EFFECTIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to not want to Stand up and to secretively defend that within and as me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, trust and Accept that I am that which thinks and nothing else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe/accept/define myself through and as thinking as a ‘who’, when in fact this ‘who’ is nothing but a system of information points seemingly ‘brought to live’ through energy generated through my permission, abusing the ‘Real’ as the Physical
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to follow and submit to every impulse of thought, emotion, feeling or reaction
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be inferior to the mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I am the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist as the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately betray myself to remain existing in and as the Mind as Separation
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go and Stop myself as the Mind, as Personality, instead of having faced the points where I have held on in Self-Honesty, to see and Realize the Self-Deception, to Stop, Forgive and Direct myself to Stand up as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having secretively not wanting to stand up, but also for having deliberately kept this Secret to myself and to everyone to make sure that I would not Stand up from within it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use my own weakness against myself within having used emotions, guilt, shame and Self-Abuse to trap myself within Deliberately not Standing up as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hide from myself that I did not want to Stand up as Life, that I wanted to remain as Personality, because I interpreted Standing up as ‘loosing’ according to not getting energy and it being hard work, while in fact these interpretations were also excuses, because I was actually scared of Standing up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to do anything to prevent myself from Standing up
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to face and admit to myself that I did not want to Stand up, that I wanted to remain as Personality and thus having created a fake process and another fake personality, in which I pretended to be working on ‘Standing up’, while in fact I was merely Hiding from myself
Okay Right now – Right Here. Enough of this bullshit. I Support myself to Stop any and all emotional reactions through Breath. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to remain Here. I Allow myself to Accept myself. I Allow myself to Support myself.
Till Here and no fucking further. I Stop myself as Personality. I Stop myself as Mind.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and feel that the only thing that would ‘soothe’ my current experience is smoking a cigarette
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive myself into the experience that if I smoked a cigarette, I would not experience anxiety and shame and regret and anger towards myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop Applying myself in Self-Forgiveness and Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, feel and participate in Shame of what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to regret having abdicated myself to the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive and seduce myself into greater Separation into the Mind as Self-Interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, participate in and experience rage and anger towards myself for having Abdicated myself to the Mind as Self-Interest and Separation
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as desperate
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I see Marlen’s videos, because they remind me of Marlen’s diligence and my own cowardice and deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist as a crook and a deceiver and a leech and a coward and a fake
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be someone else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to walk in circles
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to walk in circles and loops instead of walking a point through until it is done
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to give up on myself again

I DO NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF – I SUPPORT MYSELF AS LIFE – NOT AS MIND
I SUPPORT ME THROUG FOCUSING ON THE MOMENT – ON WHAT IS HERE IN AND AS THE PHYSICAL
I ALLOW MYSELF TO REMAIN HERE AS BREATH
I LET GO OF THE FEAR OF NOT BEING IN CONTROL – I LET GO OF THE BELIEF THAT I AM IN CONTROL – I LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO BE IN CONTROL

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify trying to escape myself by creating emotions that are uncomfortable, which I have the justified myself to avoid
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in fear of the future
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear death

I EMBRACE DEATH AS MYSELF – I AM GRATEFUL FOR DEATH – until Death is no longer necessary, I Support Death – Not Suffering, Abuse or Deception
I ALLOW MYSELF TO DIE
I ALLOW MYSELF TO LIVE

I take Responsibility for myself – I push through and Breathe through, forgive and let go of emotional experiences until I stand Here immediately
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to sleep in order to suppress myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel tempted to sleep to suppress myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself to remain Here, in and as Breath, Supporting myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I did not deserve to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Deny myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abuse myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abuse Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Separate ‘Life’ and ‘me’

I ACCEPT MYSELF AS LIFE
I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS ANYTHING LESS OR MORE THAN LIFE
I CARE FOR MYSELF AS LIFE
I AM ALIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define Life as ‘Good’ as ‘Purity’ and ‘Perfection’ instead of Push myself to Live the Realization that Life is All that is Here and that the point of Self-Purification and Self-Perfection is a Self-Corrective Action that we are taking as Life and thus not something I am Separate from
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to Die
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to disappear
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect not to ‘make it’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience frustration and irritation with the expression of ‘making it’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to get mad and frustrated with Bernard and for blaming Bernard for ‘making me’ experience anxiety and fear and desperation – instead of being Grateful towards Bernard, Equal Here as Life, for exposing me as Dishonesty and Self-Deception in Separation of myself Here as Life, for me to take Responsibility for in Self-Honesty and Self-Correction
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for having participated in and accumulated emotions, feelings and thoughts and thereby having revealed for myself that I have not stood absolutely
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame Bernard for making Process too hard, when in fact I am the only one making it hard for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accumulate distractions, resistances, excuses and justifications that have made it extremely easy for me to fall and extremely hard to stand up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately sabotage my own process of Standing up as Life as Equal and One
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that I will never Stop the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in self-loathing and self-hate for having accepted myself as the mind – instead of realizing for myself, once and for all – that ‘EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT HERE AS LIFE IN FACT’ is the Mind and is coming from and as the agenda of Stopping Life for Realizing myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create the Mind as ‘Self-Aware’ within the desire to be ‘Real’ and ‘Living’ and for not having taken Responsibility for the fact that I have Created myself as the Mind in Separation of myself (which is not possible in fact and thus a make-belief reality)in constant conflict with/as myself because of it
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that there is only me Here as Life or me Here denying, separating, fighting and suppressing myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete with myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize myself and then not having been consistent and Self-Supportive in applying myself to Stop All Separation
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having Realized myself and then having turned my back on Life to continue to Live in Separation and Self-Interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to turn my back on Life in continuing to Live in Separation and Self-interest, in the make-belief world in my mind, instead of Standing up as Life Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss smoking cigarettes
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience a lacking for not being able to smoke cigarettes
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify being in a ‘special position’ in stopping smoking cigarettes and thereby having allowed myself to over-eat
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use my apparent ‘imperfection’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear letting go of myself as emotional
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that only by being and feeling emotional, am I existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify avoiding uncomfortable emotions
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify going to sleep deliberately to Suppress myself so that I do not Face and Correct myself to Stand up from the Mind as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to go to sleep and not exist
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to not exist
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately avoid facing myself in Self-Honesty as Life and for having justified this through the energetic mind-possessed experience of being ‘weak’ and ‘inferior’ – I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto a personality self-definition of and as myself as inferior, to avoid facing and correcting myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto the desire to ‘be someone’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame for having held onto the desire of ‘being someone’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of not having Stopped myself as personality
I STOP MYSELF AS PERSONALITY – I STOP ANNA ELISABETH BRIX THOMSEN IN ALL DEFINITIONS
I Accept me Here as Life, Equal and One with and as Everyone and Everything else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from myself in my mind and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I could be separated from myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify separating myself from myself as Life through deceiving myself into believe and act as though I am inferior and thus unequal and separate from myself as Life and from Life as myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to betray myself on a whim, of giving into one single thought and from that permission having betrayed myself entirely
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abandon and abdicate Self-Direction , Self-Will, Self-Love, Self-Responsibility, Equality and Oneness to live in laziness, self-loathing abuse and self-interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that by using the survival mechanisms that I used as a child when I experienced myself powerless, I would again gain power over myself and my emotions, instead of realizing that all I manifested and accepted for myself, was that same powerlessness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fall into depression and through that depression digging myself deeper into self-deception and denial – and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to force myself to remain self-deceptive, self-denying and self-abusive to remain within perceived power and control over myself, which was nothing but a self accepted as mind-consciousness-system’s programmed and patterned survival mechanisms
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abandon myself as Life and for having accepted myself as survival and self-interest as programmed and patterned personality only
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make myself miserable deliberately to redeem myself from guilt and shame, resulting in the exact opposite
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to give into/manifest/permit and accept thoughts of being worthless, inadequate, useless and I forgive myself that I through having Accepted and Allowed that of myself, have manifested myself as exactly that in my actions, only deceiving myself even further and making myself even more miserable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to dream/fantasize/imagine and idealize in my mind how I believe I should be, thus having projected myself into and as a mental image of myself, without considering, care for and taking responsibility for myself Here as who, how and what I have accepted and manifested myself to be
I forgive myself that I have ever Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that who I accepted and manifested myself as, as the mind as personality – was who I was in fact and that by following the self-made rules, patterns, structures and rituals of myself as personality as mind, I was protecting myself and caring for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself to care for and honour and regard myself as life and that the only time I came close to or was doing so, I chickened out in fear of losing myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if I was not perfect from a perspective of living up to my own ideal of how I believed I should be, then I was useless and should and would be disregarded of everyone including myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be disgusted with myself and the cowardice, dishonesty and deception I have permitted myself to present/represent as myself, for myself and for everyone else as myself, based on only accepting myself as personality, as immanently flawed and inferior and thus justifying every actions either fighting or defending this as fact
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself as Life and for having pretended that I was not worthy of life, simply because I did not wanted to let go of the perceived freedom, satisfaction and self-control of existing as a personality in and as a mind-consciousness design, instead of realizing that it was only within this permittance that I was limited, unfree and not in control of myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe/follow/accept/manifest the thought that if I were to remain a personality, I would be free from being controlled and unsatisfied, when in fact as I have now proven to myself, it is the exact opposite
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hate myself for having betrayed and dishonoured myself and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that what I hade allowed myself to do and allowed myself become, was unforgivable and within that deceiving myself into justifying not Standing Up for Life as All as One as Equal as myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be punished for what I have allowed myself to do and become and for within that not having realized that the punishment that I gave myself, was in deed part of the scheme of deceiving myself into not Standing up for All as One as Life as Equal and for myself as All as One as Life as Equal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge and loathe myself and hold myself onto the idea/experience/belief of having sinned, instead of forgiving myself and letting unconditionally go to allow myself to Stand up and Direct myself to Live and Act as Principle
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fuel the mind, through having constantly participated in and generated emotion
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to defend and protect myself within a personality/pattern design of defying authority and moral and for having used this pattern to deceive myself into enslavement and integration of myself as personality as mind only
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive and experience my work with Desteni and the process of Self-Realization of All as One as Equal as Life, as authoritative, oppressive, boring, enslaving and morally correct and thus justifying, permitting, laying the ground for me to defy and rebel against it, instead of seeing that I within this very manifestation of resistance was reaching a point of break-through that the Mind could not allow, as I would have stopped the mind, stopped accepting myself as the mind and thus ended myself as personality
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to groom myself into a life of misery, bitterness, depression and laziness as the very living manifestation of having accepted myself as the mind, as personality only and for having believed that I could actually be free and satisfied by doing so
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to think/believe/call myself stupid and an idiot for having deceived and betrayed myself into giving over all power and authority of myself over to the mind-design of personality as how and who I accepted myself as
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was fighting against someone else’s control, oppression, morality over me, when all along it was my own definition of control, oppression and morality that I followed, thwarted in the reflection I casted upon others in separation of and in comparison of competition with them from me in my mind
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to deal with/face/take responsibility for my experience of being trapped, controlled, bored and unsatisfied, which I did not allow myself to deal with/face/take responsibility for, because I was ashamed of myself and instead allowed myself to split myself and create/accept/manifest a secret/forbidden personality in which I could ‘live out’ myself as I secretively believed and desired to live, resulting in me further separating myself in and as myself as well as allowing myself to betray and deceive myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to admit/reveal/face all of this for myself, because I had an image of myself, which I desired to fulfil and in which I saw others reflecting me back to myself, how I wanted to be perceived, thus risking losing image and face by revealing myself completely – this I forgive myself for.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to only be interested in being reflected as an ideal image I had of myself in my mind, in which I disregarded myself as Life entirely and within that all of Life entirely, caring only for being seen by others as an image or even as a reflection of an image in my mind, not ever actually seeing or caring for myself Here – as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that I was not Life and that I did not deserve to exist as Life, thus believing that the only way to redeem myself for what I have done and become, was to punish myself and deny myself as Life, deny Life as myself, instead of forgiving and Directing myself in Self-Honesty to once and for all Stand up and Stand by myself as Life, as Innocence
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe myself to be and through my participation and permission of that belief, having become an image only, a lie only, a thought only – only existing vainly in being reflected and accepted as that by others also living as an image, a lie, a thought, thus permitting existence to continue as dishonesty, self-interest and separation – instead of facing all myself and taking responsibility for all of myself Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately invalidate my self-authority, by breaking agreements with myself, by deceiving myself, by taking pleasure in abusing and lying to myself, thus justifying giving up on myself and allowing myself to remain as what I have accepted myself as, as personality of patterned and programmed mind-consciousness-system
I forgive myself that I did not Accept and Allow myself to Support myself in Self-Direction and Self-Forgiveness, as I was pushing through resistances, stopping fear, thoughts and emotions and ending myself as personality and instead gave myself over to deceptive and manipulative survival strategies of the mind
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that what I have done, I did not do because I am evil and bad, but simply because I did not Direct myself absolutely and unconditionally in Self-Trust, Self-forgiveness, Self-discipline and Self-Honesty, thus leaving ‘room’ for the mind to Direct and control me, essentially still accepting myself as the mind, instead of realizing that the thoughts of giving up and caving in, were survival strategies placed specifically and deliberately so that I would fall and remain trapped – in this design that I myself, by my very ‘nature’ of having existed in and as a mind-consciousness-system have given an overriding permission and the authority to Direct me, to become, for me to become and accept myself as
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was unequal and through comparing and competing with others in my mind, having fuelled and validated the idea the I had already accepted, permitted and participated in as valid, that I was inferior, thus validating for myself in my mind that I was unequal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify not Standing up through blaming others for not Standing up and being Self-Honest and for having feared being unpopular, unliked and feared were I to Stand up in absolute Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself by fearing that others would dislike me and fear me if I were to Stand Up in Self-Honesty and for having desired others to like me and trust me, because I did not like or trust myself and because I only saw/experienced/believed myself to be an image reflected by others, deliberately disregarding and suppressing myself within and as Common Sense as Life in Self-Honesty, because I feared not being liked by others
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept/define/see/experience/judge myself as a lazy, self-interested, cowardice self-abusive, half-mad, addicted and indulgent person and that that is all I am and will ever be
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react towards myself with anger, disgust and resentment and for within doing so, not having realized that I within allowing myself to participate in these emotions, were giving fuel for myself to remain enslaved as personality of and as mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge/define/experience/believe/justify the mind and myself accepted as the mind, as evil and unforgivable, instead of realizing that this is part of the deception and that I can only stop myself by forgiving myself and letting go/ended myself off/as the mind, thus by holding onto and blaming the mind as though it was separate from me, I have actually given power to it and in the process defending and validating myself to keep existing in and as the mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a timeloop in which I have enslaved myself and in which I have believed and accepted myself to be enslaved
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to choose myself as personality as self-interest, mind, survival and separation, over Life as All as One as Equal
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop and consider myself Here and instead having held onto an ideal image of myself in my mind of ‘who I was’ or ‘Who I should be’, thus making myself unable to face, forgive and Direct myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be so ashamed of having accepted and allowed myself to disregard Life for self-interest, that I have resisted and validated the resistance of facing myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of having disregarded myself as Life and Life as myself and instead having taken comfort in the self-deception of accepting myself as personality, as flawed, as desiring, as emotional, as thinking, as thoughts
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify disregarding, abandoning, betraying, abdicating Life as All as One as Equal as myself because I felt that the work was too hard and too tedious – and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of admitting that, to myself and everyone else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for having experienced ‘Process’ as tedious and too hard, instead of realizing that the mind in it’s enslavement-survival design, is designed to make me accept it as myself, giving over all authority to it as myself and that I would not be here, had I not done that in the first place, thus everything that I will encounter that is involved in Standing up for as and within Life, will be perceived and transmitted as a threat to the mind and that it is thus only if I accept myself as the mind, thus giving the mind power and validation, that I believe and experience ‘process’ with resistance, fear and resentment and thus, that is exactly where I must Stand up and Stand strong
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having manifested/accepted/participated in accepting myself as lazy, with no backbone and no self-discipline and for within that, having accepted myself only to do what is easy or satisfying, not believing myself to be disciplined and hard working and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to convince myself of this, even when I have proved myself otherwise to myself, thus giving room for self-distrust and doubt and for the justification of not doing anything that I do not like to do or find too hard

I do not Accept myself as weak
I do not accept myself as lazy
I do not accept myself as self-interest
I do not accept myself as a coward
I do not accept myself as self-abusive
I do not accept myself as half-mad
I do not accept myself as an addict
I do not accept myself as indulgent
I Accept myself as Self-Trust
I Accept myself as Grace
I Accept myself as diligent
I Accept myself as Self-Disciplined
I Accept myself as Self-Directive
I Accept myself as Self-Responsible
I Accept myself as Self-Care
I Accept myself as Self-Nurturing
I Accept myself as Self-Willed
I do not Accept myself as thought
I do not Accept myself as personality
I do not Accept myself as emotion
I do not Accept myself as Self-Judgment
I do not Accept myself as fear
I do not Accept myself as powerless
I Accept myself as courage
I Accept myself as Self-Honesty
I Accept myself as Innocence
I Accept myself as Self-Forgiving
I Accept myself as Clarity

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear becoming sick
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect becoming sick
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear getting cancer
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect getting cancer
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear getting cancer from having thoughts about it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear dying in regret
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear dying because if fear missing out
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to regret that I did not push and deleted the backdoor
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that it is too late for me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to give myself a chance
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to be able to pick up where I left off, when it is evident that I have to start over
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be grateful to be able to start over, so that I can ensure that I am standing 100 % for life
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to start over, so I can ensure that I stand 100 % for Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expected myself to fall, thus walking deliberately into the experience of falling
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being judged by the others at school
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to attempt to place a wall around myself, dressing a certain way, speaking a certain way, simply because I fear being disliked, mocked and judged by the others as school
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and experience that I do not know where to start in terms of walking for myself, instead of allowing myself to discover that through walking into the unknown
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear walking with myself alone
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to forget myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as an idiot
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself according to a memory image/experience wherein I felt like an idiot
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the memory, emotion and self-definition of myself as an idiot
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the desire to be cool, to be smart and intelligent, because I feared that if I lost that mask, everyone could see that I was an idiot.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be obsessed with promoting myself to get attention from others, because I believed it was the only way I could get worth and value
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the belief that only by getting attention and energy from others, am I valuable and worthy as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that the only way I can be worthy, have value, is through the energy and attention by others
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to within this construct having supported the Hollywood system of fame and icons and thus supported and believed that life was only valued as an image, thus as the mind
I forgive myself that I have only ever Accepted and Allowed myself to value Life as an image
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to share this realisation with the world on camera, thus the exact point that I am sharing here – thus I Stop

I am Here – I remain Here – I ALLOW MYSELF TO EXIST – I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE ALIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to remind/recall the memory where Bernard said to Matti ‘I am here’ and he did not say it to me and I felt that it was because I was not worth it and because I was not here and then I said ‘I am here’ and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for being an idiot for having said that
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel sick when that memory pops up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react to this memory of Bernard saying ‘I am Here’ to Matti
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be directed and controlled by memories
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself entirely for the sake of being the perfect picture presentation and then within the pressure of constantly having to present a false image and keep up the appearances, I have polarized and thus abused myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept picture-image-presentation as the most important thing in the world
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear letting go of myself as an image/picture-presentation within the mind and within energy and for fearing to become intimate with myself as Life and thus I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to back out
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself unconditionally Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to think about Bernard and Bella and how they see if, whether I am worthy or not – I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to when I think of Bernard to think of someone that is judging me and that is angry at me, when in fact Bernard is Here as Support Equal and One as All life, and what my experience is showing me, is my judgment of myself and the anger I have accepted towards myself which I have then projected onto Bernard in Separation from Bernard and from myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Bernard. From Bella, from the farm, from the people participating in Desteni and seeing them only through my mind, in comparison and completion with me and as projections instead of seeing them equally Here as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive and experience other people as threats that are out to hurt me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to question or challenge my experience of others being out to hurt me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself and Direct myself through these experiences, to apply Common Sense, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness to bring myself Here as life, without judgements, fears or Separation
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand Here as Life as Equal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as distanced from Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear the experience of feeling distanced from Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel that Life is slipping between my fingers
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being punished by Bernard for not having stood as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/experience/define/judge Bernard as superior to me and thus having projected my self-judgment onto Bernard as I also have accepted self-judgement as Superior to me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept Self-Judgment as superior to me

I Breathe
I Allow myself to be Here and Breathe
I Direct myself to Stop Participating in thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions, memories and I slow myself down to focus on the moment and on One Breath at the time

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear what Viktor said about Bernard having said about not being sure about me walking this life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent Viktor for having said that
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to participate in and experience fear that Bernard is correct

I do not Accept that I am not able to Walk this Life time
I Prove this to myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel weak and drained and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that this fall is permanent –Instead of pushing and challenging myself not to Accept that, to simply Apply the tools of Common Sense and Support myself as Life and not as an Image
I Support me Here as Life no matter what
I do no longer Accept myself as an Image
I do not Accept myself as thoughts
I do not Accept myself as emotions
I let go of the fear of falling
I let go of the fear of performing to satisfy someone else
I let go of performing to satisfy men
I let go
I am Here

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear sharing this self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire sharing this self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear falling
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the fear of falling
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Abuse the Life that is me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to shape my lips according to an idea in my mind based on images of Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz, in which I subconsciously have believed that if I strutted my lips like them, I would look beautiful and thus be cool and successful
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel guilty because I have not done sub4sub effectively
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to do Sub4Sub effectively
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame YouTube or some undefined entity as ‘the internet’ for me not being able to sub that many at the time and for believing my problem to be unique and thus having used this to justify why I have not done Sub4Sub and why I have not been effective within it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be overwhelmed with Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Blame myself for not having done Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to imagine myself explaining myself to Bernard that I did not have time
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/judging/experience Sub4Sub in Separation of myself Here as Life, by seeing/defining/judging and experiencing Sub4Sub as less and more than me Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/experience/define Sub4Sub as something I am supposed to do because Bernard says so – which in itself is revealing a personality that I have energetically accepted myself in and as – instead of Standing Equal and One with Bernard and with Everyone else to do Sub4Sub simply because of the practicality of it in gaining more viewers which is crucial to process at this time
I AM ONE AND EQUAL AS SUB4SUB
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO SUB4SUB
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of not having been effective with Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use the excuse that I don’t have time to do Sub4Sub , while in fact I almost every day spend time on activities that are irrelevant such as shopping. Watching something or in most cases thinking and feeling
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise my participation in Sub4Sub through having Allowed myself to spend my time shopping, watching something or worrying in the mind through thoughts and emotions

I PARTICIPATE EQUALLY IN SUB4SUB – I AM RESPONSIBLE TO DO SUB4SUB EFFECTIVELY ACCORDING TO THE TIME I AM AVAILABLE AS PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC
I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF TO EXPERIENCE GUILT OR SHAME WHEN I DO NOT DO SUB4SUB, BECAUSE I HAVE AGREED WITH MYSELF THAT I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR DOING SUB4SUB EFFECTIVELY ACCORDING TO MY ABILITY AND CAPACITY TO DO SO
I SUB4SUB FOR WORLD EQUALITY – BECAUSE IT IS A FREE COMMON SENSE TOOL TO SPREAD THE WORD

I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to walk myself into perfection with Sub4Sub because I did not want to take Responsibility for myself, my process or the Equality Process in general
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to walk into and as perfection and for having resisted this through all the tricks I had available
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to avoid perfecting myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge ‘perfection’ as a word of pressure, elitism and as something superior to me that was absolutely unattainable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept Perfection as unattainable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as Imperfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define and experience myself as imperfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to honor myself as imperfect, while in secret desire to be perfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was not able to perfect myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to secretively desire to perfect myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to perfection
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Separate myself from myself as Perfection through having defined/judged/perceived perfection through and as an image in my mind of more than what perfection actually is, thus actually accepting it as less, within not Accepting Perfection as what it is – Completion, Pure, Natural, Whole

I ALLOW MYSELF TO PERFECT MYSELF

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react with nervousness and fear when I see that Lindsey is effective
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Lindsey
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to pretend that I do not separate myself from Lindsey or Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react towards both Lindsey and Marlen with fear and apathy in having Accepted myself to compare myself to the perception I have of them in my mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Lindsey and Marlen and life and for seeing/ perceiving/judging her through and as the mind, as competition and a combatant
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Lindsey and Marlen and life and for seeing/ perceiving/judging her through and as the mind, as competition and a combatant
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/experience/judge every person as an opponent that is out to get me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to having automated the experience and belief and acceptance that other people are out to get me and that I have to protect myself with all means at all costs to survive
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept Life as a battlefield
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete against myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete against ideas in my mind

I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF TO COMPETE – COMPETITION IS THE ULTIMATE SYMBOL OF SEPARATION – AND I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS SEPARATE – I WALK UNTIL I NOT LONGER ACCEPT ANY FORM OF SEPARATION
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO STOP ALL COMPARISON – TO REMAIN HERE – TO ALLOW MYSELF TO ENJOY MYSELF – TO LIVE WITHOUT FEAR

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compare myself to the picture, image perception of others in my mind, always calculating who is more and who is less
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to envy and resent Marlen for being Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself as Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire myself to live up to being Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent and within that having defined and accepted Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent as more than me, thus Separating myself from Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent as myself Here, as Life Supporting Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to project energetic image-definitions and judgments onto others, specifically Marlen as strict and ruthless and Lindsey as perfect, thus comparing myself to these images in my mind – using them to manipulate myself not to Stand
NOT ANYMORE
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted myself as disciplined and thereby holding onto a personality-self-definition of myself as undisciplined and thus ‘untamed’ and thus ‘free’ – while in fact this is an idea in my mind and has nothing to do with reality
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define ‘discipline’ through polarity as ‘obligation’ , as ‘being forced to do something’, as ‘unfree’ as ‘boring’ and thus define undisciplined as ‘free’ and ‘untamed’ – thus actually having enslaved myself to a judgment , instead of seeing Discipline in Equality as me Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be disciplined and for having believed that I am undisciplined
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear discipline
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Apply discipline for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be disciplined
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/judge and experience discipline in Separation of myself as something more or something less than what it is

DISCIPLINE IS TO BE EFFECTIVE WITH WHAT IS HERE – TO SEE WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AND TO DO IT – TO PUSH MYSELF THROUGH RESISTANCES
I ALLOW MYSELF TO DISCIPLINE MYSELF
I ACCEPT MYSELF AS DISCIPLINE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in fear of walking this Self-Forgiveness and for doubting myself to walk
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a backdoor through manipulating myself through inferiority – instead of Directing myself Here in Self-Honesty
I DIRECT ME
I WALK

Tags: addictions, anxiety, cigarettes, depression, emotions, enjoyment, Equality, fear, Future, independence, love, mental problems, Mind, self trust, Self-Confidence, Self-Hate, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness, Self-Transformation, transformation
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Feedback on the Desteni Europe meeting

July 9, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

On the 1. Of July we had our second Desteni Europe meeting, held by Jozien in Amsterdam. (The first one was in May and was held by Cenk in Hamburg.)

I arrived on the June 30. I met up with Juraj in the airport. We had never met each other before, but it was easy to spot the other baldie in the crowd and we quickly found each other and took the train to Joziens house. The night we arrived we talked a lot. Jozien and I had met on the farm in South Africa and at the first meeting, but Juraj we had not met before and we talked about his experiences and his story before coming to Desteni. The next morning the others starting arriving, a few was from Holland like Martjin, Valerie, Reginald and Alex, but there were also Joao and Joana from Portugal who lives together in London, Christophe from Belgium and on Saturday Lana came from Germany with her boyfriend Paris, who was completely new to Desteni, the material and SRA.

Initially we had planned the meetings to be focused on discussing Equal Money, funding and political agendas, but already at the first meeting it was clear that sharing and supporting each other was more in focus and especially the SRA course, which most of us attending is currently in the process of participating in. In the first meeting there was a lot of talking, where people simply buzzed around, sharing their stories and supporting each other, wherever assistance was required. So before this meeting, Jozien and I had tried to come up with a way to make the meeting more structured by coming up with themes of discussion and a method for how we would discuss – that did not exactly work, as it seemed that most people burned to simply share themselves and as the meeting progressed, we focused more on SRA and Process Support than on discussing politics.

There was however unstructured discussions going on about Equal Money, Politics and especially financial funding. It turned out that both Juraj and Paris were experienced in trading and stocks and they talked about the banking systems to the rest of us. There was also a meeting in the park with Reginald, Joao and Martijn where they specifically talked about Equal Money and Politics, while the rest of us were practicing SRA at Joziens house. We had quite a lot of practice SRA sessions, where one would be facilitated with a priority point in their life and one would facilitate, while a third took notes and assisted the facilitator. Some of them went smooth, fast and was very revealing and eye opening – I had an SRA session that was very supportive and that opened up a point for me in a way that surprised me a lot. Others did not go quite as smooth and we talked a lot about the procedures, ethics and techniques of practicing SRA.

In between these often very intense sessions and discussions, we ate, slept, did the dishes and went for walks as it was very hot outside. To me the meeting was very supportive. I got a lot of perspectives and assistance with the points I am facing and walking through, but the amount of talking and the intensity of it, was sometimes, almost too intense. Point after point after point opened up for me and the most practical way for me to deal with it, was to do practical stuff. So I cooked a lot and was surprised how easy and natural it was. I really enjoyed having my hands busy and making food for everyone, but I also started wondering about this, as this ‘housewife’ syndrome is something I’ve been facing for a long time. What is so odd, with something like this, is that it has been contradicting how I have seen and experienced myself. I used to hate cooking and never did it if I did not have to, but it has been laying latently waiting to be activated and when Jozien said that I was in the nest-making age, it made sense to me. It is strange how I’ve believed I could fight my programming or copying of my mother, only to discover that this behavior has creeped up on me in a most surprising way – that I cook, because I enjoy doing it. For a lot of people, including myself, the main points that opened up during the meeting, was related to sex and abuse – many of us had different experience with sexuality and abuse and it was cool to share our experiences so openly. I am not sure how that became the main point for so many of us, but it was interesting to see that each one had their own story and experiences wherein sex, abuse and money had played a significant role. Emotions were released, tears were shed and several points came to closure or simply opening up. A point of secret desire opened up for me and I was shocked how easily it had been triggered and it was only when Martijn asked if I had forgiven the desire, that I realized that I had been secretively holding on to it, not having been willing to let go. That was quite a revelation and cool to finally face.

The meeting ended on Sunday and we talked about when the next meeting was going to be. Jozien said that she would host on a regular basis, but that every two months might be too much. So we will see when and where in Europe the next meeting will be. The people attending the first meeting and this one was quite a different group although there were also some people attending both. But at both meetings there were people who were completely or relatively new to Desteni.

A lot of us had also never met before in person, so I am looking forward to seeing everyone next time, being able to go deeper into the points of Support and working with SRA as well as maybe structuring the meetings more in specific directions. I do however find it very cool that we’re able to have people coming who are new to the material and that they after having been to the meeting have decided to ‘enlist’ for SRA training. Either way, I am grateful for the meeting and for seeing everyone there. It is an amazing environment to test yourself in, especially if you as I, live alone and don’t see many people on a daily basis or if you are alone in your process most of the time. We were able to face conflicts and matters that would have been taboo in other social gatherings in a way that was very supportive for everyone there. I got so much support to go home with and I look forward to many more meetings.

Tags: 1, Desteni, Desteni Material, Europe, independence, My Life with..., Process, relationship, self trust, self-accept, self-acceptance, self-empowerment, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness, Self-Transformation, SRA, Structural Resonance Alignment, transformation
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Like a dear caught in the Headlights

April 27, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

This title is probably the most precise way to describe how I have experienced myself the last month or so. Like a dear caught in the headlights, stiff, alert, ready to run for a safe place to hide. I experience myself in this state of ‘freeze’, not moving, standing absolutely still not be seen, heard – caught. I stopped smoking the 1. February. Started again 21 days after, smoking for 3 days, had massive headaches every time i smoked, stopped again for aproximately a month. Meanwhile I started on what I have called a diet, but what was not supposed to be a diet, because it was ultimately about me doing something for myself for the first time in my life, about me supporting me, as life, Here, The Physical – I even started exercising, which was not part of the original plan, but which made sense as i started to lose weight. Then slowly but surely I unwinded myself, recreated the cocoon of apereant ‘comfort’ and ‘safety’ that I had found in this self-abuse disguised as ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’ – (poor me, I deserve a cookie, I can’t stop eating cookies, poor me). As I have looked at what really happened, my ‘rational’ explaination has been that I had made it about someone else – because as soon as I was not in the company of those that had pushed and supported me directly within this, I crawled back into my hidingplace, behind weight, food and cigarettes. Since I have been struggling with moral scruples and inner fights and debates. But what I have done in fact, is that I have let the thoughts, the addiction, the fear – take over. Making it about someone else having taken responsiblity for it and clamining myself to weak to Stand on my own two feet, is yet another way of attemptying to shift responsiblity. Because the matter of the fact is that what I was doing – was in fact working. I was becoming stronger, could see more clearly and began actually caring for myself in fact. What I however experiecned was that the emotions that came with the withdrawl, was too much for me to handle. What I have found absurd and still do, is that I had all the tools available to deal with my experiences – maybe as Breath, Breathing through the point, as I have done before and as I have witnessed other do first hand – simply not participating, not accepting myself as that thought, as that emotion – and breathing it through until it disapates. I found myself unable to do that. And I have wondered how the emotions was like the child screaming, because it cannot get what it wants and would have eventually capitualted, except that I gave in, again and again, because I could not bear the sound of the screams of dissatiscfaction. So I started smoking again, first one cigarette, then two, then hiding it from the people around me – which I then discovered has always been a part of the Addiction signature, that it is kept alive by hiding it, by playing myself up against other people in my mind – as though they were the ones responsible for me having made this decision for myself. Then I gave into it, and I smoked a pack in a couple of hours, ate a whole back of cookes, got a massive head ache and stomach cramps in returned – yet continued the next day, as though nothing had happened. Then I stopped smoking for a day or two, but it was constantly on my mind, lurking, calling and once I said ‘yes okay’ in ‘mercy’ to one thought, the next followed and then the next and before I knew it – I was back. All the weight I had lost, I had regained. It was almost as If I have not been able to handle actually being capable of doing something on my own and it actually worked! I don’t think two months is enough to change a habit and addiction like this one. Obviously it depends on what is invested, believed and accepted about the addiction – but for me, having smoked for 16 years, since I was 12, having used cigarettes as a point of stability, familiarity, safety, power, control and utlimately as a tool to suppress everything of myself that I did not want to see or face – it might take more than two months, before the emotional chaos and the anxiety that comes with the withdrawl disapeates. But I did not stay patient or on track. I have been so used to making idealistic agreements with myself, then breaking them, laying low for a while in shame and then coming up with a new idealistic fantasy – that part was easy. I have realized a lot about myself the last few weeks that has been mildly put apaling – a roundtrip to the core of self-interest, self-pity and loathing, self-deception and abuse, to find out – that I have never actually dedicated myself to anything real in this world, I have never disciplined myself to walk through something difficult or uncomfortable. Instead I have searched the backdoors and short cuts that would make my path as easy and painless as possible – Not knowing that the easiest path is actually the longest route, because no matter what I do or where I go – I always end up Here.

In terms of this blog and series about Transformation, which is another way I have rushed ahead of myself in an attempt to prove myself worthty and in this case, of actually having changed and stood up – I will keep writing. I have not written anything lately because I was ashamed, I was as the dear caught in the headlights and I wanted to present myself only once I again had success with my process of transformation – Instead of Realizing that this, what I am experiencing now is a part of the Process and as I Fall – I Stand up again.

Tags: addictions, anxiety, attractive, body, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, diet, drugs, emotions, fat, fear, food, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, transformation, weight, weightloss, withdrawal
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Addiction 101 – When Food is not just Food

March 14, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

It started with a piece of cheese.

Yesterday as I woke up, I was going to eat breakfast. I ‘asked my body’ what it wanted and the ‘reply’ I got was ‘cheese’. See I ‘love’ cheese, and I always got a stomach ache from eating rich cheeses and dairy products such as ice cream, so it was like a specific point and example of self-abuse and self-interest, where I ate cheese even though it gave me a stomach pain, with the justification that I was allowed to, because it is my body and I decide what I do with it and it is only a little cheese and it tastes so good that I just can’t help myself. This whole thing fast becomes complicated and a whole world in itself – because besides being type A blood type and therefore being predisposed of not processing dairy very well, in addition I was lactose intolerant as a child, supposedly because my mother, who gave birth to me at the age of 42, ‘ran out’ of breast milk when I was an infant. So I did not eat or drink anything containing dairy until I was 12 and she decided to test out if I was still intolerant. Up until then I only had access to dairy when I sneaked my way to it. So I would eat ice cream at a birthday party without my mother knowing it, and two hours later break out with hives all over my body. Or I would steal a big chunk of cheese from the fridge and keep it hidden so I could eat from it when I wanted to. So it is sufficient to say that cheese has a special place in my heart. I am telling this story to share how easy it is to dilute oneself into believing something is an act of innocence – when in fact a lot of manipulation and deception has gone into it. After what happened yesterday, I am pretty sure that it was not by body claiming that it required cheese and that it was a thought that I interpreted as the body speaking, so that I could justify for myself eating cheese. Anyway, I ate the cheese, just a little bit I told myself. With two pieces of dried toast. Afterwards I got a stomach ache, almost as on schedule, maybe because I felt guilty or for making a big deal out of it – What is really interesting is what happened following the ‘cheese incident’ the rest of the day yesterday and today as well. I experienced the most difficult day so far of keeping my diet, not overeat and not eat from desire for taste, memory and so on. I started making excuses and stepped over the boundaries I have set for myself. In return I felt guilty and my body felt very uncomfortable, heavy and aching. Today I have even considered smoking a cigarette. Last time I did that , it did not take me many hours before I did smoke the cigarette and soon after that was back on my 20 + a day. So I haven’t and I noted this for myself as I had the thought. It all started with me allowing myself to eat a piece of cheese and it has obviously very little to do with the cheese itself. It has to do with who I was in that moment. The day before yesterday I experienced a release and I trusted myself, to simply eat, instead of having to restrict myself according to specific rules and so I expected that I would be able to do the same the following day. It was almost like an arrogant moment of believing that I now have full control over my actions. Because I clearly don’t. And it is not because I am not able to Direct myself in the moment – it is because I have been living this for so long, for so many years that I have created myself around it, I have created a relationship to food, to eating, to smoking, to consuming that is not based on nurturing my body, but on satisfying ideas of satisfaction, of taming and obeying fear and desires – of everything else than being Here. And this is not the first time I have experienced this – and I am not the only one who has experienced this. It is a classical fall for addicts. Once you are over the worst Jonesing, which is mostly physical uncomfortability where you have to simply focus on not consuming your drug of choice, it suddenly becomes more easy, like a breathing space, where things are going well. The thing that I have experienced in stopping addictions and cravings, is that after a while, I get used to this ‘new way of living’ – it is suddenly not new anymore. I do not have to push myself to keep the diet or to not smoke. It is simply a matter of not doing it. For many people, this is where they fall in. When I stopped smoking the first time, I started again after 21 days. All it took was one thought, that I diluted myself to believe was innocent. ‘I’ll just have one cigarette’. So this is the point, where I cannot expect anything of myself. It is still a matter of moment to moment Self-Honesty. And this, by catching myself doing this, by slowing down, not judging and actually seeing what it is I am doing – I can flag all of these possible ‘pits’ for myself, so that I do not have to fall on my ass every couple of days, just to pick myself up again. Why was it the cheese that made me break the deal? Because cheese in my book is not just cheese. It is a symbol within my mind of how I treat myself with something that I am deprived from, a speciality , a luxury, where I am independent and do what is Best for me – Only that is how I created it in my delusion as a child, because it is not what is best for me – it is self-abuse and I did it, because I believed I was treated unfair, that there was something wrong with me, that I was punished because I was not allowed to eat what I wanted to. So it has become a symbol, twisted and distorted, no longer with any relation to what it actually consist of and what is Common Sense. This is how we fuck with ourselves. How we walk into, defend and justify situations and experiences, that is not best for us and certainly not what is Best for All.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, coffee, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, looks, rehab, self trust, self-accept, self-acceptance, smoking, standing up, transformation, ugly, ugly duckling, weight, weightloss
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Mind & Body – Detox and Deconstruction

March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

So Im now a month into, a little over a month not smoking and on you can call it rehab in terms of eating with my emotions, eating to get high, eating to get energy and basically stimulating myself to get energy and to… well thats what Ive Realized after I started the diet and stopped smoking, because I have constant craving for smoking, eating, speaking, watching, basically anything that can give me the sense of being filled up or filling myself up, anything that is not just me Here keeping occupied, and its interesting because Ive noticed that there are like specific points, where I wanna smoke, it is particularly if I get stressed or if I get scared then I wanna smoke. Which could signify that that is where Ive not been able with stuff myself and have used cigarettes to control my reality and to give me a sense of comfort and safety within my world. So… something I find interesting is that when I first stopped smoking and I went on this eating rehab, detoxification programme, I thought that it was only gonna be a face or a while and then I would be able to go back to my habits, and Ive that thats not so that this is a complete change of, its basically the beginning of a complete change of who I am, which is going to have to Stand. Im not saying that I might not eat differently at some point, but at this point, what I realize is that the way Ive been attached to eating, the way Ive been eating, the way Ive been drinking, the way Ive been stimulating myself, is so completely engrained within me, where Ive diluted myself and been dishonest with myself and made excuses and justifications so I cant possibly go back to just eat what I want to, because its not what I want to. How I taste, what I feel like eating, feeling of hunger, of thirst its not real. Its not based on the body saying: I need nutrition now, I Require fuel to be able to function. So Ive basically fucked up my whole physical system in terms of making it into a mind-fuelling system, which we obviously have in other perspectives as well, but this is like very specific, like I said: eating with my emotions. And even now after a month, I find it extremely difficult and Im surprised how difficult it is. At the same time, Im determined. Im going to, Im going through it, Im walking through it, Im doing it but every day I Realize something about how intense and how attached this system is within me. I dont even know who I am, because how can I know who I am, when I experience a craving for something and it gives me a stomach ache, and its basically not optimal in any way for body, how can I say I know who I am, I mean I know who I am as an addict, I know who… I know what satisfies my addiction. I know what my addiction requires, to be able to sustain itself, because thats the tricky part it is to, for the addiction to sustain itself, its not to actually get rid of the craving. I realized earlier today as I was scratching a mosquito bite, that its basically the same principle the more you scratch, the more it itches.

Tags: addictions, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, dependency, depression, diet, drugs, emotions, Equality, fear, food, Future, looks, love, mental problems, Oneness, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, smoking, standing up, Structural Resonance Alignment
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