The Cruelty of Not Caring About Yourself: DAY 208

May 28, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

I’ve been sick today with some kind of stomach flue. I am supposed to write self-corrective statements on the self-forgiveness I wrote in my last post. But I can see that I can’t. Because I can’t yet say that I will now do what is best for me. That wouldn’t be self-honest, because from where I’m standing at the moment: I know I won’t. It is absolutely absurd and it doesn’t make sense, but there you have it. I don’t want to do what is best for me. I had a chat with my buddy about it and she said the following in assisting me to understand the pattern I’ve been facing:

“So – you’re cruel for not taking care of yourself but you don’t take care of yourself because you’re cruel”

We were talking about how I don’t take care of myself when it comes to my physical body in many respects, for example through eating food that isn’t good for me – which is most likely what has caused the stomach flue as a consequence. And the bottom line of this is a fear of being cruel. This was one of the very first points I brought up on the Desteni forum when I first started participating, a fear of being evil – or a feeling that I was evil. So because I fear and believe that I am cruel, I act cruel against myself and then become cruel which gives me the fuel to continue believing and accepting myself as cruel. It is interesting because every ‘fiber’ in me says RUN AWAY! From writing this blog post. So obviously this is the spot-on point since I experience such a resistance to not walk through it. Whenever I look at the point of being cruel to myself and/or the point of caring for myself, I feel myself going into a state of panic or feeling cornered and then I just blank out. Meaning that I don’t see any profound reasons or explanations. And there’s also a loop of backchat within me holding onto the cruelty towards myself as a justification. That I’m not ‘allowed’ to care for myself, that I don’t ‘deserve’ caring for myself. And somehow that makes me feel righteous. Somehow it makes my apparent cruel nature ‘better’ – to punish myself for it.

So I’ve rather successfully installed a mental firewall in my head towards this aspect of my relationship with myself and at this point I still don’t understand it. But that is because the mind doesn’t make sense – in common sense lol. It is a deranged personality’s logic that fits into a delusional perception of reality for example impulsed by religious concepts of good and evil and what it means to care. I’ve written about this extensively from various angles in various blog posts.

So before commencing with self-corrective statements I am going to give myself this blog post to write this point out – also so to ensure that I don’t just write statements that actually aren’t self-supportive but rather self-sabotaging because I know that I’m not gonna live them.

So – why do I like being cruel? Why don’t I want to do the things I know are good for me? Why do I want to do things that I know aren’t good for me? Why don’t I want to care for myself? What am I getting out of being cruel to myself? Why does it feel good to be cruel to myself? I know that I feel ‘free’ when I do things that aren’t good for me. I know that I find the things that are good for me ‘restrictive’ and ‘boring’ like I’m missing out if I don’t do it. I also know that my mother has a similar pattern in her life and that this dates back to when I was a child and lived under strict food restrictions. But is all of this just one big excuse for me being cruel to myself? What does it mean to take care of oneself? Why do I feel such a resistance to caring for myself?

Let’s have a look at common sense. If I have a look at the world system as we’ve currently created it, it is quite an accurate ‘replica’ or reflection of what’s going on in my relationship with/to myself. We’re accepting and allowing suffering of some parts of ourselves as life while prioritizing other parts – namely the parts that are artificially created. Something that I’ve found fascinating is how we will as humans prioritize things that we experience and perceive as ‘escapes’ from ‘the real world’ – like drugs, sex, obsessions with food and various kinds of entertainment and shopping. We do all these things to create a little ‘lightness’ in our lives because apparently ‘real life’ is too hard to bear. What we don’t realize is how we’re literally creating the hardship of life through our very prioritization of things that doesn’t really matter. How many vote in American Idol? How many care more about who wins in American Idol than actually voting for things that matter? And so why is this? It is because when we’re faced with the reality of things, we’re also faced with the fact that we’ve created the world as it is – as such: our own cruelty. And to face that, the only viable option is to then take self-responsibility for the world we’ve created and start cleaning up the rubble so that we can build a new world system: a system of care.

I often find it heartbreaking when I look at what I have exposed myself and my body to in the name of some absurd desire and hollow fantasies. And this is no different from what we’re facing with the world as a whole.

So I am doing things that aren’t good for me because I believe that they offer me an ‘escape’ from facing the truth of myself – while digging myself deeper into the shallow grave that is my mind. It is like the snake that eats its own tail: an infinite loop that can only stop when the snake realizes the delirium of its action – when it stops the gnawing and chewing mechanism that it has accepted as automated. Animals in captivity often behave like this, become neurotic and self-abusive as an odd self-defense mechanism. And so do I. It doesn’t make any sense. But I can see now that what I am facing is not a personal construct as much as it is a universal ‘problem’ if you will that extends from me to the whole world and the other way around. I’ve never learned to care about myself. I don’t even know how – except for some glimpses I’ve had from moments when I allowed self-care to emerge as well as from seeing others developing self-care.

It’s the old tale of how we jaw lock ourselves into an acceptance of ourselves as sinners by insisting that we’re sinners in order to purify ourselves yet in actuality it was all a charade in justification of sin – a carte blanche should we ever stand face to face with god. That’s the Christian version. In reality it is ourselves we fear standing face to face with, not realizing that we are never anything but faced with ourselves, no matter where we turn or how deep we stick our head in the sand.

I see, realize and understand that the time has come for me to make the decision to care for myself. I see, realize and understand that the consequences if I don’t is pain and suffering, not only for me, but for the rest of the world as well as I would join in and be yet another voice in the choir of the dead (or rather the dying) that sing their dirge of self-pity and deceit. There is no reason for me not to care about myself. Yet I can see all around me the evidence of how I haven’t. I see, realize and understand that in order for me to care about myself I have to change. And I also see that I can’t change if I don’t care about myself. Here I am not talking about a ‘feeling’ towards myself but an active practical self-care of making directive decisions to do that which I know to be best for me and to refrain from doing that which isn’t best for me – in the understanding also of why I would even want to do things that aren’t best for me. I see, realize and understand that it is a mental disorder to not care about oneself. It is a mental disorder to want to do things that aren’t best for oneself. Yet it is how I’ve lived my entire life as though it is perfectly normal. It is how we live in this world as a whole, why we go to war, why we drink alcohol, why we abuse ourselves. We’re literally and criminally insane. So this is what I got to understand: when I feel the urge to do something that I know isn’t best for me, like eating foods that I know will upset my stomach – this impulse isn’t ‘who I am’ – it is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become but it isn’t the ‘who’ I decide to be from here on out or that I see is the best ‘who’ I can be. I see, realize and understand that when I feel an urge to do things that aren’t best for me – often even BECAUSE they aren’t best for me, that I am listening to the mental disease that I’ve developed myself into and as. And as long as I listen to the disease, as long as I participate in the disease, as the disease, I’ll only dig myself further and further into it, in and acceptance of it as ‘who I am’. This is what I hear in the back of my head as a subtle whispering voice: “But it’s who I am, I can’t help it.”

Isn’t that exactly what we humans say? “I can’t help it, I’m only human.” So this gives me a clue to understanding that this particular pattern isn’t only about me. It isn’t personal. Yet it is personal in the context of all of humanity as a whole and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stand as an equal example of criminal insanity. I’ve learned it from my parents yes – my father was manic-depressive and tried killing himself many times when he was depressed. When he was manic he was trying to save the world and cure other people, as he was a psychologist. My mom was an alcoholic and daily struggle with the desire to drink. So I’ve got lots of ‘excuses’ to blame it on my ancestry. But isn’t my true ancestry in fact all of humanity collectively and together? And if this is a pattern that is reflected in the world system as a whole, then it isn’t just about me or my family: it’s about the fundamental acceptance of ourselves as participants, creations and creators in, of and as this existence.

I am not done writing about this. In fact I’ve barely begun. But I commit myself to walk myself to the point of self-commitments. Because I see how easy it could be to make a big deal out of this point and ‘beat around the bush’ while actually procrastinating the point of change. And I also see clearly how self-forgiveness is the solution to this relationship with ourselves as cruelty where no care is allowed. As long as I believe I am cruel and accept myself as cruel, I will continue to do cruel things to myself and as an example in this world. Through self-forgiveness I can give myself the opportunity to not only releasing myself from the sin I believe I’m submerged in but also take responsibility for it and make the decision to live in and build self-trust through placing one foot after the other as a self-directed decision to live self-care, dignity, respect and integrity.

Until next time…

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The Cruelty of Not Caring About Yourself: DAY 208

Tags: American Idol, Cruelty, Cruelty to animals, fear, Forgiveness, Human, humor, self esteem, Self-Abuse, Self-Hate, Self-Judgment, Self-Sabotage, Sinner, Sinning, United States
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It’s My Pity-Party and I’ll Die if I want to… Die if I want to: DAY 194

March 30, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

The follow writing is the accumulation of several days of writing and processing. In this blog I was supposed to write the last of the self-corrective statements for the self-forgiveness I’ve walked on being hard on myself. But a curious thing has occurred since I wrote the last set of self-commitment statements: I’ve been extra hard on myself. I’ve not only been extra hard on myself, I’ve also gone into the infamous self-pity character from where a ‘golden’ backdoor opens into the land of wasting time in the most unproductive ways. And the only way I am able to stop myself is through seeing how this cannot possibly be me acting in the best interest of myself – meaning that while I am ‘in the zone’ of “I’m so bad, let me soothe myself” – it feels right. It’s an addiction. But when I get my head a few imaginative inches above ‘water’ I see how absurd it is. It is a self-destructive pattern – period. It serves no purpose. And yet I’ve let it take me over, more than once. More than I can count. The physical experience is that my head is buzzing and I feel squeezed extremely tight inside my body. So what I wanted to say is that I see that there’s no point in my writing the final self-commitment statement on the point of being hard on myself without taking its polar opposite – it’s creepy cousin into consideration. Because obviously everyone can sympathize with the guy that is being too hard on himself. Like I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve seen quite an honor in taking such a position. But who the hell sympathizes with the guy that throws pity parties in his underwear while eating Kentucky fried chicken and ignoring the starving children knocking on his door? This is obviously a gross caricature based on self-judgment, yet it is also not untrue– so what is important is that I cover both sides of the polarities. I’ve written extensively, extensively about these two polarities throughout the years and so what I see is that it is not information that is missing. It is the practical application of that information. And so I can’t only correct the point of being hard on myself – I see that now, because it is intricately connected to the point of pity-partying myself. So I will go through my self-forgiveness statements and I will look at self-corrective measures – however I will focus on doing that more realistically in relation to how the pattern actually plays itself out. Because obviously since my last post, the beast was awakened and showed that the self-corrective measures I had taken was not strong enough… yet. I still want to be hard on myself, so that I can pity myself, so that I can give up on myself and ‘be free’ and not have to take responsibility. And it my inner madhouse that ‘freedom’ is defined as ‘the freedom to consume whatever I want to without anyone being able to tell me what to do.” And this is like an eternal mantra repeating inside of me that I put mildly finally have started to get sick of. Inside of me I go: “oh my god, not this again, I can’t believe I fell for it – AGAIN!” And obviously it is not something that I ‘fall victim’ to – oh no. I’m an accomplice through and through and at the same time there’s a part of me that I’ve turned off so that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. So what I will be doing here in this blog post is writing out self-corrective statements that I can simplistically change myself according to based on seeing the entire play-out of the “being too hard, turning to self-pity” point.

Here are the previous blog posts in this series for context to what I’ll be walking here:

When and as I see that I have made a mistake or where I think that I’ve done a mistake or where someone else points out that I’ve made a mistake – I direct myself in that moment to stand by myself and to not go into a reaction – because I see, realize and understand that I’ve created a relationship to mistakes where I see them as so terrible that ‘all is lost’ and ‘it’s all fucked, ruined’ and ‘I might as well lay down and die now’ type of experience inside myself. It feels like being hit in the stomach and having all the air sucked out of me. And when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to having made a mistake where I want to hide and suppress myself and say ‘to hell with it all’ that’s the moment I flag, and put an alarm on and have blink lights go off in my mind as to THIS IS WHERE I STOP. Because I see, realize and understand that me making a mistake or perceivably making a mistake is the activation point from where I activate the trigger point of reacting to the fact that I’ve made a mistake and it is from there I go into being hard on myself, blaming myself and eventually pitying myself to the point where I give up on myself. So I commit myself to first and foremost stop disallowing myself to make mistakes. I hereby grant myself permission to make mistakes – though not deliberately as a carte blanche – but I grant myself permission to make mistakes so that I can’t use mistakes against myself within and as the mind. I’ve made nearly all the mistakes in the book, like I’ve made the mistakes. I see that I’ve created this relationship to mistakes due to instances in my childhood where I had made mistakes and was shocked upon being ‘caught’ by adults and this is the pattern I’ve been repeating over and over. And I see, realize and understand clearly now that the self-pity phase of the pattern is in direct blame and spite towards ‘the adults’ which I perceive as having wrongfully accused me, now played by: myself in my mind. So I’m playing all the parts in my own little psycho-drama, even this part. So yes – from now on I am allowed to make mistakes. I won’t accept or allow myself to disown myself because I’ve made a mistake. I’ve made mistakes before, I’m still here.

So I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to being against myself and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get some form of sadistic kick out of spiting/hating/judging/ridiculing and disregarding myself.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-deprecating backchat such as thinking that “I’m an idiot”, “I’m such an idiot”, “I’m such a failure”, “I might as well just die” to stop in that moment, simply stop what I’m doing and flag this particular backchat. Because I see, realize and understand now that I have been deliberately deprecating myself in and as a positively energized character/personality/pattern where I enjoy and get a kick out of belittling myself and being hard on myself. I’ve literally been addicted to the energetic experience that I, as the mind have gotten out of being hard on myself. I see, realize and understand now that being hard on myself serves NO practical purpose in my life. It’s not about me being self-honest and forthcoming; it’s all about an addiction to this particular form of energy. And I commit myself to let it go. I let of this energy and I let go of this addiction to this energy. I realize, see and understand that I DON’T have to be hard on myself to live effectively – quite the contrary as I’ve proven to myself. As such I see, realize and understand that I don’t have an excuse to stop being hard on myself. And I see, realize and understand that the only purpose with this pattern/personality/character is to launch myself into the cyclic pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and eventually giving up on myself and I see, realize and understand how this is an defense mechanism of the mind because as I’ve established I activate this pattern when I’ve either made a mistake or perceive myself as having made a mistake. As such I am in that moment in a potential point of transformation if I were to take the mistake and walk the point of correction OR realize that I didn’t actually make a mistake and such stop diminishing myself. So this is the core-realization from these writings. I have been hard on myself, pitied myself and given up on myself to prevent myself from changing and correcting myself.

As such I commit myself to establish a new direction in my relationship to making mistakes. I realize that I can’t simply say that now I’m fully okay with making mistakes –because I’m not. So what I am going to do is to place here a self-corrective application to first and foremost prevent myself from activating the pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and giving up on myself. So I commit myself to as soon as I’ve made a mistake or perceive myself as having made a mistake – to breathe the mistake and be here with the mistake and embrace the mistake, instead of fearing it and pushing it away. So I will test this and I will test myself and I will see what works. Because I simply got to change my relationship with the point of making mistakes. Because I realize that mistakes will and do happen. And if I can’t even handle making a mistake, how I am I going to be able to walk this process? If I, every time I make a mistake go completely haywire in my mind and activate an entire infinity cycle (time-loop) – then none of this matters. Then I’m wasting my time.

I commit myself to let go of and to STOP seeing being hard on myself as a good and positive thing. I realize that it is not and that the only one that’s getting something out of me being hard on myself is the addiction to energy that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to. I see, realize and understand that I am harming myself when I am being hard on myself and that I am fucking myself and manipulating myself to activate the cycle. So I stop.

I see, realize and understand that the ONLY real solution to making a mistake is to embrace the fact that I’ve made a mistake without judgment or fear and to then simply look at the practical correction necessary. I commit myself to practice STOP being afraid of making a mistake until I have no more fear for making mistakes. I commit myself to take myself in the hand and walk with myself in and as who I am here – mistakes and all – because I see, realize and understand that I am my responsibility and no one else’s. No one is making me do anything. No one else is blaming or judging me for making mistakes, only me. So I see, realize and understand that only by walking with/as/within myself in taking my own hand – being my own hand – can I stand fully self-responsible and self-directed and thus I see, realize and understand that I’ve misdirected myself to believe that I had to be hard on myself to contain my own evil only to realize that the harder I’ve been on myself, the more out of control I’ve also been – and as such, the two are interwoven and connected. So I commit myself to practice, practice, practice the point of being here with myself – of being on my own side. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve automated the point of being hard on myself so therefore at first I realize that it will require my pushing myself to change this pattern until I have changed myself and no longer have to push.

I commit myself to change my relationship to my own inner evil. Because I see, realize and understand that the way that I’ve related to my own evil in shunning it and judging it and fearing it, has only made it grow and become this huge monster, almost like a huge suit that I step into and become this monster that just wants to consume, consume, consume. So – I commit myself to forgive myself as the monster I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become and in that I commit myself to change myself as the monster that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, through redefining and repurposing myself. So what good is a consumer-monster? I see how the reversal of the consumer monster actually is self-satisfaction, wholeness – being here with myself without needing to do or be anything. So that’s the point I will be working on, to be comfortable in my own skin as I’ve written about be before.

I also commit myself to let go of all Christian preprogramming that I’ve subjected myself to as I’ve come into this world and I commit myself to let go of my over-taking of my mom’s values and life purposes of escaping her family because I see, realize and understand that my life is different and some of the things my mom had to do for herself was cool but that doesn’t mean that I have to do the same. I can be me. I don’t have to rebel against an oppressing system. On the contrary, I commit myself to stop believing that freedom is to rebel and to consume and I commit myself to stop believing that responsibility is to oppress and control. I see, realize and understand that freedom and responsibility are not mutually exclusive or that one has to win over the other. In fact I see, realize and understand that real freedom can only come with responsibility and I can only take responsibility in fact if I am unconditionally facing and embracing myself because otherwise there’s constantly parts of myself that I’m hiding from myself.

I commit myself to stop walking against myself because I’ve seen, realized and understood that I am not to be pitied and being against myself is something I’ve done deliberately in spitefulness and in blame and it has no practical value. I see, realize and understand that it will be a process that will take as long as it takes for me to step out of the pattern of walking and being against myself. So I commit myself to be patient with myself as I change myself slowly but surely and I know exactly when and how it is that I’ve been living this pattern and so it is quite straight forward in terms of seeing what it is I require changing and stopping within and as myself.

When and as I see that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others as outside and separate from me, for reprimanding me or telling me that I’ve made a mistake – where my fear of making mistakes or judgment towards myself for having made a mistake is directed towards others where I am in this ‘zone’ of saying in my mind: “oh no, here I go again making stupid mistakes and everyone hates me and yes I’m so bad.” I stop – and I breathe and I stabilize myself here. Because I see, realize and understand that there are no ‘others’ who are participating in my blaming game. It’s all myself doing it to myself. No one else is being hard on me. And as such – I commit myself to stop projecting blame outside myself and I commit myself to instead take responsibility for how I’ve been treating and living within and as myself –as my own responsibility for me.

I see, realize and understand that what I thought was freedom – the freedom to consume whatever I wanted whenever I wanted – is NOT real freedom, but in fact real enslavement. And I see, realize and understand how I’ve been using the pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and giving up on myself all as a justification for living the ‘freedom’ of ‘consumption without consequence’. So I commit myself to redefine freedom and responsibility so that I can live those words in a way that is best for me and thus best for all.

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* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
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It’s My Pity Party and I’ll Die if I want to… Die if I want to: DAY 194

Tags: addiction, Art, Forgiveness, Pity-Party, Self Change, Self-Abuse, self-deprecation, Self-Destructive behavior, self-empowerment, Self-Judgment, Writers Resources, Writing
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How to Leave the Comforts of the Cage: DAY 193

March 25, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog I will be prescribing statements for myself of self-commitment through which I will assist and support myself to change – specifically here within the context of the pattern of being hard on myself, being against myself and then projecting this onto another person from where I’d create a desire for this other person to ‘be there for me’, ‘support me’ and stand within and as a ‘team’ with me – all because I’ve not stood as that in/as myself.

Here are the previous posts in the series for further context of what I’ll be walking in this blog post:

It is interesting as I’ve mentioned in a previous blog – that I experience a resistance towards stopping being hard on myself. This resistance has been quite intense in that I last night as I was about to write the blog, I felt so immensely tired like I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open. And it doesn’t make any sense from a conscious perspective – meaning, I’m not consciously walking around thinking: “oh no, I don’t want to stop being hard on myself!!!” – I mean, it is actually quite absurd. So what I can see through common sensical deduction based on what I understand about the mind is that I resist stopping being hard on myself because I’ve used being hard on myself as a simultaneous self-sabotage and defense mechanism. When I look at the point in terms of its symbolism, it is like being hard on myself and being against myself gives me an enclosure where I am in a tight limited space of movement. When I then look at stopping being hard on myself, all I see is a vast landscape, no direction, just infinite space. Lol – so that’s what scares me – being unstoppable.

In stopping being hard on myself – ironically so – I also make a commitment to take responsibility for myself. It is much like the abusive parent that has mistreated their child, who now has to consider the effect this treatment has had on the child, a parent who is now entering into a process of re-education to become an effective parent. So I have to also look at how I treat myself and the consequences this has had. This really also shows why the mind is not to be trusted – because as I’ve mentioned, through this pattern I’ve really been walking against my own best interest, completely immersed in the mind, believing myself to be protecting myself against other human beings all the while I was like a mad dog gnawing on my own tail.

So it doesn’t make sense – it is certain fuzzy logic and not common sense: why would I fear caring for myself? But I do. Because then I become limitless – and then I have no excuse left. So that is actually the best place possibly I can be. If I care for myself, if I make the commitment to care for myself and take responsibility for myself and stand as an example inside myself – then if or as a point emerges of self-sabotage or compromise, I can’t run to the excuse of being hard on myself and then feeling victimized and punished and subsequently go into self-pity and depression. Once I stop limiting myself – I am no longer limited and I can’t use limits as an excuse.

So I know understand how being hard on myself is not valid or acceptable. I understand that I’ve been living against my own best interest and that this makes no sense. I understand that accepting an authority that wants me to live against my own best interest, is not an authority worth submitting to. I understand that I’ve delegated my own self-responsibility to the mind and made the mind the authority of me and that the mind is not equipped to be an authority. I understand that if I don’t reestablish myself as the authority based on the directive principle of what is best for all, I am leaving it up to the mind to direct me for me. So I will here begin the process of practically stopping being hard on myself, walking against myself and projecting this onto other people towards which I superimpose blame and desires. Through stopping being hard on myself I see how I open up my self-imposed enclosure through which I’ve justified my own captivity and limitation within and as the mind and as such I open myself up to stand responsible for myself but also to move myself beyond the limits I’ve accepted as enclosing me.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate backchat towards another person where I am blaming them for not giving me or being that for me which I want them to be, I stop myself and I flag this backchat and I simply stop participating. Because I now see, realize and understand that the only reason why I am blaming another is because I am using them as a scapegoat and as a mirror for what I am not giving to myself or reversely for what I am already accepting myself – and I see, realize and understand how this is an unacceptable way to live because within it, I am placing the responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing within myself and as myself onto another which is a classic relationship dynamic which we’ve used to always keep ourselves as arm’s length and never actually get to the bottom of or sort out why it is that we’re experiencing what we’re experiencing. So therefore – I commit myself to be diligent and disciplined within not accepting myself to participate in blame towards others and instead I commit myself to repurpose this blame to be a point of reflection from where I can see what I am separating myself from and as such take responsibility for the blame and stopping the blame.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in a desire/want/need towards another where I desire for them to do something for me or be something for me such as ‘supporting me’, ‘helping me’ or ‘standing as a team with me’ and where I’d create an experience of lacking this something that I long for the other person to provide – I stop myself. I stop participating immediately. Because I now see, realize and understand that the only reason why I’d desire for someone else to do or be something for me is because I’ve not been or done that for myself. So all this desire is actually showing me, is where to turn my attention within and as myself. Because I see, realize and understand now that any desire I have towards another will never ever be fulfilled in the context of completion and I see, realize and understand now that once a desire is fulfilled it simply morphs or changes direction and a new desire will emerge from within and as me towards the exact same point/expression or experience – because the point I was looking for/longing for wasn’t really ever outside myself – but always inside myself. So it is like that through this desire towards others, I can actually hear myself calling to myself from beyond a self-imposed veil/wall. So therefore – I commit myself to be diligent and disciplined in bringing my desires back to myself and I am grateful to experience the desires because through them I get to see quite clearly what it is off and as myself that I am separating myself from and so I commit myself to repurpose my desires to be gifts that I can bring back to myself and in turning back to myself I can finally stop chasing elusive fantasies.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and experience resistance towards stopping being against myself – I gently and firmly direct myself back here to the commitment to stopping being hard on myself because I now see, realize and understand that the reason why I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist stopping being hard on myself is because I’ve stood as an endorsement of and an affiliate of the mind and thus the mind’s agenda of survival – while in the process being to my own detriment. As such I see, realize and understand that when I am accepting and allowing myself to resist stopping being hard on myself and being against myself, I am actually acting like a kidnap victim with Stockholm syndrome; I am endorsing my captors and have come to feel more comfortable in my captivity – the difference however is that I’m also the one who elicited my own kidnapping to begin with. So I see, realize and understand that it is of no use to try to negotiate with the resistance – in fact, this merely prolongs the resistance through which I’d accumulate even more resistance. So therefore I commit myself to push through the resistance to stopping being hard on myself – as I see, realize and understand that as long as I accept and allow myself to live in and as this resistance I am living literally against what is best for me. As such I commit myself to sober myself up through supporting myself in writing and listening to interviews and bringing my awareness here to my physical body and breath as I walk about my day.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-judgment and self-nagging as the constancy and consistency of the pattern in and through which I’ve lived being hard on myself and being against myself that I’ve come to accept a form of comfortability towards in accepting that “this is me. I am being good through being hard on myself because it shows that I feel bad and that I am thus a moral being.” I now see, realize and understand that I’ve used guilt, feeling bad about myself, judging myself, feeling pity and being hard on myself all as schemes to not change and to justify not changing myself and stepping out of the mind – and I see, realize and understand now that the solution to this is that I stop endorsing the mind through accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts/desires/fears and backchat. I see, realize and understand also that since I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immerse myself in being hard on myself as a daily encompassing acceptance of “who I am” – I require changing my starting-point from within and which I see and experience myself – as I’ve not disclosed for myself that this starting-point of being hard on myself is not alone useless but also deceptive in that it has the opposite effect of what it present itself as. As such, I commit myself to walk a process of getting to know myself and to begin caring for myself – based on the common sense deduction that when I am best for me, I am best for all – so not based on any form of idea about my goodness or badness but simply based on a practical deduction. If I want a peaceful, harmonic, cool co-existence in this reality – I have to start with myself. If I am raging war inside myself, how I can I claim to be against war? To be against suffering? To be against the abuse of innocent lives? I can’t. Because I’m not.

I will continue with self-corrective statements in my next post.

In the meantime I will practice what I’ve here preached which firstly mean to stop participation in the pattern of being hard on myself and being against myself. Then I will also look at the point of self-care, which I first and foremost see is a point of allowing myself to be comfortable in my human physical body. That’s it.

Thanks for walking with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Compartmentalizing the Moral High Horse and the Rotten Self: DAY 192(annabrixthomsen.com)

Does Being Hard on Myself make me a Good Person? DAY 191(annabrixthomsen.com)

Day 345: The Secrets of Slaves(journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com)

How do I Embrace The Shame of Who I Am as Taking Life for Granted? DAY 177(annabrixthomsen.com)

Day 344: Rising from the Ashes of Burnout(journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com)

Save The Sinner! DAY 188(annabrixthomsen.com)

I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170(annabrixthomsen.com)

Tags: Allegory of the cage, being hard on myself, Forgiveness, Human, Mind Control, moral high horse, Personal Development, Self-Judgment, Self-Loathing, Self-Support, Stockholm syndrome
3 Comments »

Projection is a Project to Protect Self-Interest: DAY 158

December 25, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog post I am sharing self-corrective and self-commitment statements in continuation to the following blog post:

The Gift of Projection is a Self-Honest Mirror: 157

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat about another being egotistical because of how I perceive them as not doing what I think they should be doing I stop and I breathe and I flag point this for myself as a moment to stop up – because I see, realize and understand that the moment I am busy judging or blaming another in my mind, I am literally in the process of projecting what I am accepting and allowing in myself onto the other, even if it does not feel like it and it feels so real – when I am focusing on another in any negative or positive way in my mind – it is a projection and I stop and I bring the point back to myself in looking at how I am being egotistical and accordingly I commit myself to take self-responsibility for what it is I am accepting and allowing through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

When and as I see that I am reacting towards another where I’d focus in my mind in backchat on what I perceive that the other is doing or not doing and accordingly am accepting and allowing myself to react and where I see this and remind myself that I am projecting – where I in backchat say to myself that I don’t care that I am projecting or where I come up with justifications and excuses to make myself self-righteous in projecting onto another – I stop and I give myself a deep breath and I re-commit myself here to not participate in projection or to hold onto the projection but to bring it back to myself. Because I see, realize and understand that when I project all I do is try to hide from myself to not have to face and take responsibility for myself basically so that I can keep living in a way that I know is not best for all without having to also face the consequences of my action which is the ‘doctrine’ that we’ve all be living by on earth and that is the reason for this wretched mess we’re in now. And I see, realize and understand also that hiding from oneself is redundant because we’re right here, I am right here and I cannot escape myself. All I can do is to change or not change. And if I don’t change, I’ll keep creating the same crap over and over. So therefore I commit myself to stop arguing for my reactions towards others in my mind and I commit myself to discipline myself to bring all points of projection – positive and negative – back to myself so that I can sort myself out here and not send myself on a time-loop to accumulate even more consequences for myself to sort out later.

When and as I see that I am experiencing anger towards myself within and as an experience that “I am angry at myself” I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that for me to be angry at myself it requires that there is more than one of me as there is one that is angry and one that is myself and therefore I see, realize and understand that I am only angry at myself when I separate myself from myself and so for example if or as I accept and allow myself to be egotistical and act in self-interest, I’d separate myself from what I am accepting and allowing and in that create a split through which I would get angry at myself as a polarized reaction because I had already split myself in two – and so I commit myself to stop splitting and separating myself through firstly when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to experience something towards myself stop myself and breathe. And I commit myself to investigate what it is I have separated myself from through which I’d create this experience of anger so that I can instead bring all parts of me back here and direct myself effectively as ONE in standing as the amalgamating principle within and as myself to no longer accept or allow myself to split myself into parts just so that I can fuck with myself, create inner conflict and abdicate self-responsibility.

When and as I see that I am being super hard on myself or another where I’d result to bullying and blaming and judging in expecting more of another or myself I stop myself and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand how I’ve created this expectation based on a belief and an ide(al) about how I am supposed to be and how another is supposed to be in and as superiority that has nothing to do with practical, actual reality and so reality is ‘doomed’ to disappoint because it cannot live up to this idea or fantasy. And so I see, realize and understand that when I for example become angry at myself for having participated in backchat it is because I had created an idea and a belief for example about who I am supposed to be as I have compared myself to others and so in seeing that I am participating in backchat that is what I focus on, instead of simply focusing on correcting and re-aligning myself to what is best for all in stopping participation in backchat. I see, realize and understand that I can only change myself through embracing myself in saying: “this is what is, this is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so be it – now I’ll change.” Meaning that it is not complicated – it is simply a matter of recognizing and accepting that this is so and then change myself. So therefore I commit myself to stop bullying myself and to stop being hard on myself and on another because I see, realize and understand that this behavior is not an expression of ‘high standards’ or ‘living by principle’ and as such that I when I step into this character am superior but in fact that it is a self-sabotaging and self-abuse character through which and within which I prevent myself from changing in fact because I am so focused on reacting towards myself for not living up to my own unrealistic expectations.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react towards myself in anger, resentment, shame, blame and judgment within and as a particular character of perceiving myself as holding ‘high standards’ which I either project onto myself or onto another where I actually fear that part of me that I am judging because I see it as ‘wrong’ and ‘dirty’ and thus as ‘tainting’ my self-righteous self – I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am within this seeing everything in reverse because I am using morality to create a fake character of morality and high standards to actually hide my ‘true nature’ of self-interest so that I can keep existing in and as self-interest without having to deal with the consequences and so the anger I experience is actually more towards exposing myself in and as this character saying: “I don’t want this dirty beast in my house, put it in the basement so that I don’t have to look at it and the guests don’t think I am a monster when they arrive”. So through this ‘high horse morality’ character I am in fact deliberately hiding and suppressing my own evilness which also means that when the evilness does emerge and becomes visible and I see myself, it is actually a moment of gratitude and it is cool because the fact that I can see myself in self-honesty, means that I can change. So – therefore I commit myself to further investigate the ‘high horse morality’ character so that I can let it go and step out of this character and move myself to immediate self-correction instead of wasting time on judging and blaming myself through which I react with suppressing myself i.e. running away from myself.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself I stop and I breathe because I see, realize and understand that in being angry at myself I am in fact confirming for myself that whatever it is I am angry at myself towards is ‘who I am’ – I am literally in the anger solidifying myself in and as this particular point that I am angry at myself for being, which is obviously completely unreasonable and illogical. So therefore I commit myself to stop participating in anger towards myself as I have now shown myself how it is not only redundant but also how it serves the exact opposite purpose of what it is presented as, which makes it deceptive and thus I am self-deceptive when and as I participate in anger towards myself. I therefore commit myself to instead develop immediacy in moving myself to and within the simplicity of applying corrective action in terms of writing, self-forgiveness and directively changing my behavior through breathing as I see, realize and understand that this is the only way I can change in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-control and direction to self-interest and backchat and desire for stimulation and fear through abdicating my self-responsibility for myself as that desires and fear and as such making myself less than the desire and fear thus giving it control over me and as me making it my directive principle and thus making myself a slave to fear and desire

I commit myself to re-align myself to common sense, practical and simplistic living where I prescribe for myself the basic responsibilities of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, caring for my body and interacting with others/the physical and where this is what I give my focus and attention to and so I commit myself to steer and direct my attention from entertainment and gossip and stimulation to practical common sense living. So when and as I see myself in backchat wanting to do something else than a point of responsibility that I have prescribed here for myself, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am busy sabotaging myself and that the urge/desire I am experiencing in the moment towards consuming something (which is the most frequent urge) is not real and that the value I see within it through excitement and the craving I experience, is in fact about me deliberately running away from facing myself and taking responsibility and so I see, realize and understand that I require walking a self-education process of teaching myself to live based on different principles and I see, realize and understand that this can and will never happen ‘by itself’ but only through my direct and deliberate stewardship of myself and so I commit myself to re-establish myself here as the steward of myself and I commit myself to honor my life and myself by re-educating myself to value that which is substantial and real, the physical and this process and to let go of my mental value systems which only serves the absolute destruction and detriment of life in fact as I have proven to myself time and again.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to live and act in self-interest where I see that I am experiencing myself powerless towards the particular point or addiction that I am living, I stop and I breathe and I flag this point because I see, realize and understand that when an addiction is running me by its own where it is like it has a life on its own, it is because I have made a decision for the addiction to have control over me deliberately in abdicating my own self-responsibility as creator and authority over myself and therefore I see, realize and understand that to say and experience myself as powerless towards an addiction is a deliberate self-deceptive excuse and justification to not take responsibility for myself by making something/someone else the point of superiority and power in my life when in fact it is all a charade that I have orchestrated and set in motion at my own will, which also means that I can change myself and stop accepting myself as powerless. So therefore I commit myself to investigate in detail and specificity when and as such a point comes up where I would say “I want to stop but I can’t” and to bring the point back to myself in self-responsibility in reversing the permission I’ve given myself to abdicate myself to this point. I commit myself to stop accepting it as natural and normal to exist in self-interest and to accept myself as powerless towards the ‘forces’ that emerge from within and as me as fears, desires and addictions and I commit myself to re-define and re-align what ‘normal’ and ‘natural’ means to common sense practical living in a way that is best for all.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2
Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Projection is a Project to Protect Self Interest: DAY 158

Tags: angry at self, Bernard Poolman, blaming others, Desteni Cult, Desteni Group, Equal Money System, judging others, Projecting onto others, Projection, seeing others as the problem, self anger, self blame, Self-Judgment
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Back to Breath (Day 18 of 21) How to stop Running Away from Oneself: DAY 150

December 1, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog I am going to prescribe self-corrective and self-commitment statements on the fear of being here that I wrote about on day 148. Before I was about to write this blog, I could see the possibility of me just writing out self-commitment statements without actually walking them. And then I considered simply not writing it out and writing about something else.

Because the point is that this is a pattern (the constant moving about to not have to be here) that I’ve been very stuck in however I also see that the resistance to walking actual self-commitment which is an obvious resistance to change. Because this pattern is a clear cut self-sabotage and self-defense mechanism, so obviously such a pattern would be protected by the mind, for example through fear of losing it and resistance. So I will focus on here writing actual self-commitment and correction statements through which I commit myself to in fact change. Otherwise the entire point is a self-deceptive circus of bullshit through which one is believing oneself to be deceiving others so as to ‘keep face’ while actually it is one oneself one is deceiving just prolonging the point of facing oneself while creating completely unnecessary consequences.

If you’ve not yet read the posts in the series, here they are:

21 DAY Commitment: (Day 1) Bringing Myself Back to Breath: DAY 133

Back to Breath (Day 2 of 21) MY “ME” IS MADE OF MEMORIES: DAY 134

Back To Breath (Day 3 of 21) There is only Room for One Here: DAY 135

Back To Breath (Day 4 of 21) Deliberate Cognitive Distortions: DAY 136

Back to Breath (Day 5 of 21) Social Engineered Mind Authority: DAY 137

Back to Breath (Day 6 of 21) Getting Off The Mental Hamster Wheel: DAY 138
Self-Forgiveness

Back to Breath (Day 7 of 21) Chasing Projections: DAY 139

Back to Breath (Day 8 of 21) Clarifying the Starting-Point: DAY 140

Back to Breath (Day 9 of 21) Not Good Enough as an Excuse Not to Change: DAY 141

Back to Breath (Day 10 of 21) I’m More in My Mind than in Life: DAY 142

Back to Breath (Day 11 of 21) Just Do What Makes You Happy! 143

Back to Breath (Day 12 of 21) The Happiness Doctrine: DAY 144

Back to Breath (Day 13 of 21) Pursuing Happiness: DAY 145

Back To Breath (Day 14 of 21) Happiness is a Warm Gun: DAY 146

Back to Breath (Day 15 of 21) Is What Makes you Happy also What’s Best for you? DAY 147

Back to Breath (Day 16 of 21) Fear of Being Here: DAY 148

Back to Breath (Day 17 of 21) The Messy Room Analogy: DAY 149

So – here I go:

When and as I see that I am experiencing an ‘urge’ to move myself when I am sitting and working on the computer, where a thought pops up as an image of something to do or consume that is not HERE through which I would trigger a desire as an ‘urge’ to move myself that I’ll either immediately or quickly act upon – I stop participating in the thought. I breathe and I remain here. I don’t suppress the experience, instead I allow myself to breathe through it, embracing it. I commit myself to push myself to remain here and to only move when I no longer experience an urge as an energetic ‘itch’ to move, and I am satisfied that I am moving myself here in and as self-movement and self-expression

When and as I experience an urge to move myself while I am busy with something specific that does not require me to move away and where there is no practical reason for me to move, as an experience of an energetic ‘itch’ that I have identified as fear – I stop and I breathe through the experience. I see, realize and understand that fearing and resisting my own fear won’t make it go away because I have done that for years, playing mouse with myself and all that has happened is that the urge has grown stronger and my following it has become more intense. So I commit myself to face my fear – firstly through embracing the urge to move myself by not moving but instead remaining here breathing and secondly through that allow myself to embrace the experience of fear of being here as myself in my physical body.

When and as I see that I have already moved myself away from what I am participating with here, where I see that I’ve already triggered and followed the urge – I stop and I breathe and I simply direct myself back to the point at hand that I am working with. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been in such moments justifying remaining ‘moved away’ through which I’ve actually looped for several days of avoiding that which I am required to do and responsible for and I see, realize and understand how this can lead to an entire life of avoiding myself through continuously running away from myself. I commit myself to support myself through making agreements with myself of directing myself to move – especially here in the beginning where I am stopping the pattern, so as to allow myself to change slowly but surely as I see, realize and understand that I’ve become addicted to constant moving myself and so I see that if I make agreements of directing myself to move I can utilize this as a bridge of support to stop the pattern.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat as making excuses and justifications to move myself where I am literally trying to convince myself in my head through talking to myself saying stuff like: “well, it is just…”, “I am just going to…” – I stop participating in the backchat. And I see, realize and understand that I’ve been using justification backchat to convince myself because I know that what I am doing is self-dishonest and so through the justification backchat I’ve ‘washed my conscience clean’ so that I could deceive myself into continuing running away from myself through moving myself from HERE. And so I commit myself to stop creating, participating in and endorsing this backchat of justification because I now see, realize and understand that all I’ve been doing is to deliberately deceive myself so as to not face my fear of being here – which is my fear of myself and thereby I’ve been preventing myself deliberately from actually being HERE and from actually getting to know myself.

I will continue in my next post.

Thank you for walking with!

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Suggest reading Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

Tags: Bernard Poolman, Desteni Group, Equal Money System, escaping oneself, fear of being afraid, Fear of Being Alone, fear of oneself, running away, Running away from oneself, Self-Hate, Self-Judgment
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The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me: DAY 18

May 6, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for what I perceive as me being fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what I perceive as me having allowed myself to become fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself as fat and ugly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define myself as a body image from which I look at myself “from the outside” as though I am looking “in” on myself as in a mirror or on a picture, thus in fact not seeing or looking here or seeing or looking at what is real, because what is real is the physical that is not an image

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, define and perceive that it is me who is fat and ugly within defining myself according to a body-image that only exist within and as the reflection I mirror myself in, in and through the mind based on the acceptance of and the submission of myself to competitive beauty systems where only a photo shopped, slim, tanned body can be “real” and “perfect” and where all other bodies and body-forms are “wrong” and “flawed”

I forgive myself that I, within defining and accepting myself as fat and ugly, have accepted and allowed myself to believe, define, see and perceive myself as a “second class citizen”, as “worth-less” because I do not fit into the mold of the photo-shopped woman in the picture that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is real and the only real way to be worthy and perfect, not seeing, realizing or accepting the reality, worth or perfection of me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, accept, perceive and define “fat people” as second class citizens that do not have a right to happiness, fulfillment, money, enjoyment, sex or worth simply because they are fat and as such when I got fat have consequently placed myself into the same category believing and accepting that I do not have a right to accept myself or worth myself, simply because I am fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, judge, experience and accept the word ‘fat’ as inferior, less-than (ironically), shameful, disgusting, low-life within and as spite and because I have fat on myself human physical body that I myself have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate, define, experience, see and accept myself as inferior, less-than, shameful, disgusting and low-life and within that deliberately spite myself in judging myself for being fat

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to release the word ‘fat’ from my hold on it through, within and as the ego, from where I have allowed myself to brutally judge, spite and perceive ‘fat’ as ‘flawed’, ‘shameful’ and ‘wrong’ and that the people who are fat are rightfully to be pushed down and feel ashamed of themselves and accept their place as lesser beings, within the judgment of them as “weak” and “disgusting” and thus because I define and accept myself as “fat”, equally believe and accept myself as “weak” and disgusting and a “lesser being”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself see or realize that fat on a human physical body is a manifestation of consequence as the acceptance of who and what self has allowed self to be and become in and as self-suppression as holding onto layer upon layer of information that self has not allowed self to release and within the addiction to self-abuse through self-pity and self-hate as overeating in and as greed and self-spite – not seeing that fat is not an energetic or personal manifestation, but in fact the accumulation of my abuse against myself – and thus in fact wanting to not be fat without actually investigating myself as fatness, is avoiding and abdicating self-responsibility and in fact continuing to abuse myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about looking down at and spiting fat people and as such feel good about looking down at and spiting myself – justifying this in self-righteousness in the self-deceptive belief that not being fat mean that one is superior and better-than those that are fat and as such feel good because I feel better about myself when I judge fat people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and angry and depressed when I see myself in the mirror and immediately judge myself and feel disgusted by what I see, believing that what I see through my judging eyes of the mind, is in fact what is real and what I really am – ugly, fat, old and disgusting and a loser

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself ashamed within exposing and revealing how I actually see and experience myself, because I have feared exposing and revealing this, believing that if I kept it secret, it would not be real and others might not see me as fat, disgusting, old and a loser – when in fact it was myself I was hiding from, within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, define, judge, accept and experience fact people as sloths that don’t deserve to live or exist or be happy and to feel violated when I see a fat person expressing themselves or accepting themselves, wanting them to accept themselves as inferior and less than – exactly as I as a fat person, accept myself as inferior and less than those who are not fat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed and preoccupied with being and becoming skinny and beautiful and within that constantly think about being skinny and beautiful and compare myself to those I see, define, perceive, judge and accept as more than me because they are skinny

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and perceive that I need to and must become skinny and beautiful to be of any worth in this world and to believe that I must do anything to achieve this as a goal of being a woman – as an ultimate goal of being a woman, yet within not having been willing to face the origin of why I have allowed myself to become fat, have continued to gain weight within being simply obsessed with “weight”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to myself and everyone around me that I do in fact accept myself and that I don’t care about my weight or my looks, when in fact it is all I think about, all the time, all day long, torturing myself with thoughts about how ugly and disgusting I look within focusing in my mind, and through the mind with my physical eyes, examining, judging and measuring every part of my body finding it all flawed, disgusting and ugly – not realizing what I am in fact allowing myself to do to myself – diminishing, spiting, bullying, brutalizing and abusing myself in the justification of self-righteousness as the brutality of the competition of the system, wherein and from I tell myself over and over again, that as long as I am fat, I am simply not good enough, not worthy of existing, not worthy of being loved, not allowed to enjoy myself in having sex and that I should continue abusing myself because that is all I am worth – resulting in me actually abusing myself through over-eating and as such completing the vicious cycle of self-abuse where I am the mouth that bites the hand that feeds me that is myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that being fat – as the physical manifestation of the accumulation of consequence, is not about looks and how looks are valued in the world system based on competition , where there can only be winners and losers and that being fat is in fact about me having allowed myself to abuse myself, through punishing myself within and as the mind, refusing to let go of the past, holding myself on lock-down and locked-in inside the layers of the human physical body, in and through which I have patted myself with fat as information upon information layers as who I am

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, understand or admit, that while I have been preoccupying myself with self-judgment and desire for beauty, money, power and success – as being a winner in this world, I have allowed myself to exist in complete and total self-abuse in and as a lock-down of suppression within and as my human physical body a myself – as what is real – in consuming everything in fear of losing myself and as such in greed and fear of not having enough, resulting in the layering of fat around the body with the consequence of harming myself in ways I have not even begun to understand or experience in full awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only by keeping all physical experiences down, suppressed, controlled, enslaved, defeated, would I be able to survive and succeed as such in this world, thus never having allowed myself to get to know or experience myself within and as the physical body, even though that was and has been my deepest and most real desire – to get to know and express myself and explore myself here as life in self-enjoyment, unconditionally and innocently in interaction with myself as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that how I have allowed myself to exist within and as a separate part in and as this human physical body as an entity located in the head, has been in absolute and total terror, torture and self-abuse, where I, with every breath I have taken – yes taken – and never given or embraced within and as me, have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself down, diminish and suppress myself because I feared facing the reality of me as the physical – not only the human physical body – but the physical as the total manifestation of what is here and thus face what I have accepted and allowed and as such justify for myself that it is better and easier to remain in fear, suppression and self-diminishment, to always keep the truth about myself – the truth that I am walking and living with and within every day – under control

I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to face the truth about myself – the truth that is existing HERE evident as this human physical body and how I have tortured myself to fit and mold myself into an image of control and power – never seeing or realizing that everything and all I have been doing is enslaving myself to a delusion – a cruel and unnecessary delusion – that I at any point could have stopped, but in my acceptance of the delusion as myself, feared losing myself if I, as the first one admitted that it was not real – not realizing the absolute absurdity of my claim over life as the enslavement of myself into the confinements of consciousness – only and merely to not lose face or image, to the other parts of myself that I have separated myself from, into and as – not realizing that those parts are myself and that if no-one of us budges we will keep existing in the delusion that we are flawed and lacking and thus must abuse each other to fill ourselves up – when in fact, all parts are me and I am all parts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing my partner my naked body and to do all and anything to hide it, in the delusional and deceptive belief that I can hide how I perceive myself to look like as fat and ugly from my partner and that if I am lucky he will not notice how I look, if I tug there and suck in here and place my body like this or cover it up like that – when in fact is that I cannot hide my body or how I look and that the person I have been wanting to hide from, was in fact myself and my own self-image of and as myself as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I am in fact fat and ugly and disgusting and a loser because that is who and how and what I have accepted myself as and as long I accept and allow myself to bow down to the system of competition that exist within and as brutality and absolute evil in and as spitefulness – which is in fact is my own creation – I will never be anything else but fat and ugly and a loser – because that is my prerogative and responsibility as a creator, to decide who and what I will accept myself as and what now – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept everyone else that can possibly or in any way have the same or similar experience as me, to hate themselves, despise themselves, accept themselves as less than – because of my acceptance and allowance of my submission to the system of competition and consumerism through and in which the beauty system exists

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I, within the acceptance of myself as fat, ugly, disgusting, a loser – have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as self-spite, absolute brutal self-abuse and deception and as such have accepted everyone else who are fat or ugly in the eyes of the system and everyone in fact, to accept themselves the exact same way – because the world exist as a direct reflection and consequence of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and disgusted every time I feel my stomach against my pants or shirt reminding me of how fat I am or when I feel the skin wobbling on my legs reminding me of how fat I am – not realizing that fat is merely fat as a particular manifestation of form as the consequence of who and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as and that the problem of fatness is NOT how I look – but who and what I have accepted myself as, in and as self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let every girl and woman in the world hate their human physical bodies and torture their human physical bodies in all and every way possible to fit into an impossible ideal of delusion of perfection based on the pushing of photo-shopped images, that we, through consumerism have accepted as real and possible in our collective self-delusion and self-abusive reality that we have forced in and onto the physical as our human physical bodies and this earth through within and as our complete and total abdication to and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize and see the extent to and within which I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through my participation in, submission to and acceptance of the system of competition in which there can only be winners and losers and according to the rules of beauty that I have directly accepted as real, valid and valuable – I can only be a loser, because I am not skinny or young or beautiful in the way the competition system of beauty measures it – according to my very own decreed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness within seeing what I have accepted and allowed and in experiencing that this point is so extensively integrated into my acceptance of myself, that I don’t know what to do to stop and purify myself and bring myself back to an innocent, unconditional acceptance of myself – instead of allowing myself to see and realize that this is in fact what I am doing here and that I have suppressed and hid this point so extensively from myself and refused to look at it and myself within and as it and a such that this is why I am experiencing that I am opening a can of worms that are exploding in my face – and not allowing myself to go into and as an emotional reaction and instead PUSH all the way through, not allowing myself to be moved or influenced by facing myself in self-honesty and actually allow myself to see and face myself in absolute brutal self-honesty in seeing that I AM IN FACT purifying myself here and that it will take however long it takes – and that I WILL WALK THROUGH IT NO MATTER WHAT – because what the fuck else is it that we are doing here? What is the alternative? That I keep accepting and allowing myself to continue this self-abuse and as such allowing it equally in everyone else. That is NOT Acceptable in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize or admit to myself the extensive and total self-abuse that I have done onto myself as the physical body – through suppressing myself, through accepting myself as addicted to energy, through judging, hating and despising myself, through being greedy within fear of losing, feeling sorry for myself and punishing myself through forcing myself to over-eat – with the consequence that I am in fact in every moment killing myself, torturing myself and hurting myself that I accept and allow myself to continue participating

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize and admit to myself in self-honesty what I, in my participation in and acceptance of myself in and as my participation in thoughts am in fact doing to myself as the physical, even though I live with the consequences every single day as pain and overweight and rapid deterioration of the physical as myself

And as such, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately refuse and deny myself to see what I am accepting and allowing in every moment I accept and allow myself to participate within and as and from the mind and what I am in fact doing to myself as the physical – when in fact I am completely and 100 % aware of what I am doing and I simply don’t care because I have diluted myself into the belief that I cannot live without the mind, without energy, without emotions or feelings, without indulging myself in food and sweets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince and deceive myself into believing that the most important thing in the world is for me to lose my weight so that I can be skinny and beautiful and be a winner and so that I no longer have to despise and hate myself because I am a loser because that is the rules and paradigm that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the point of weight and overweight and losing weight overshadow all and everything else and not care about anything or anyone else than me losing weight – totally and completely disregarding what is here and why we are here and what we are doing here in terms of creating a world that is best for all – which is the only relevant point that matters while in fact my preoccupation with beauty and looks and weight is detrimental to what is best for all and as such totally and completely unacceptable – not to mention the fact that it is based on something that is not real, real life, real value or real in anyway what so ever

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the cause and effect of me being fat, is not that I am worth-less as a human being or a loser in fact, but that I have abused myself and that this is what is evident and visible in and on my human physical body and by defining myself according to beauty as worth, I have completely disregarded what I have actually accepted and allowed and who and what I am in fact here as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a right to abuse myself in and as the physical through over-eating, doing drugs, over-sleeping, over-drinking because I believe that that is my prerogative within and as believing that I have free-will and choice to do with myself as life whatever the fuck I want – not allowing myself to see or admit to myself in self-honesty that what I have been doing with my free-choice and will is to enslave myself to a delusional reality in which I have in no way lived what is best for all and only lived according to my delusional idea of satisfaction based on the fear of losing myself in and as separation of and from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to accept the fact that I, as the human physical body I live within and as, am in fact fat and that this has nothing to do with my worth as life, but with my acceptance and allowance as worth-less and of my abuse and disregard of myself that stands as the evidence for all the world to see, how much I have hated myself and despised myself and what I have done to myself for no reason at all as well as to everyone else, because of my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to honor myself as the human physical body, fat or not fat simply by the fact that I am here as life and as such honor myself as what is best for all, through changing myself into and as an effective physical form, in and through which I can support myself to live an effective life and support what is best for all

I commit myself to honor myself in and as this human physical body and to transform myself into and as a physical form that lives and stands within the principle of what is best for all in all ways

I commit myself to make a plan for my entire physical body, as individual forms that each requires absolute care and consideration as to what is best for each form to live and function in a way that is best for all

I commit myself to stop all reactions to my own reflection in my minds judging eyes and in the judgment of the mind that I have superimposed onto my human physical body when I see my own reflection in a mirror on in a window

I commit myself to eat only that food which is of support of my human physical body and to honor myself through the giving of nourishment to myself through the grace of food and I commit myself to eat in gratefulness – and not in greed based on fear of losing myself

I commit myself to stop seeing myself as a image within, from and as the mind, in and as separation of and from myself as a projection of reality that is not in any way real – and to support myself to be and live here in and as the physical and in and through self-intimacy get to know myself as the physical

I commit myself to stop all self-abuse through participating in energetic reactions as emotions and feelings and self-judgment and desire through thoughts and indulgence and being hard on myself in physical actions and I commit myself to stop judging myself for being fat and to stand by the consequence of my acceptances and allowances as the manifestation of myself as this human physical body and to support myself to bring myself to living in and as absolute self-support as what is best for all as myself as the human physical body

I commit myself to stand by and support human beings that have accepted and allowed themselves to live and exist as I have in and as self-abuse of the human physical body – to stop and stand up in and as self-respect, dignity, integrity and honor of themselves as life

I commit myself to expose the beauty system and its brutality and how we have collectively accepted and allowed ourselves to submit ourselves to a lie and a deception based on consumerism in and through which we are diminishing ourselves in valuing only beauty and fitting into and as a certain specific, yet completely unattainable and delusional body-form that has nothing to do with what is best for all in any way what so ever and that only serves to feed the system with consumers and energy within and as competition between winners and losers where everyone always loses because there is no such thing as winning

I commit myself to support all women in supporting and accepting themselves to stand up as life as what is best for all to accept themselves in and as the physical as life, as I walk the process of standing up and accepting myself in and as the physical as life

Thank you.

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