July 21, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post I am continuing with investigating and changing my relationship to suppression and how I’ve used suppression as a way to hold myself and what comes up/exists within me ‘under the radar’. Through investigating the extent to which I’ve used suppression as a mechanism to not have to face/deal with/direct what comes up/exists within and as my mind, I have realized that I suppress far more than I was aware of. What has been cool about this investigation however is that I’ve started to see that suppression doesn’t ‘just happen’ by itself. Although it has become quite automated, I have realized how I suppress using very specific ‘strategies’ and self-manipulation tactics and justifications – which obviously then also exposes the point that suppression is something that we do deliberately, with the intend of keeping parts/aspects of ourselves ‘out of sight’ and not as we would justify it as being a way to ‘get rid of’ or push something away. There is no ‘away’. It all goes right back into our physical bodies and the depths of our minds where we have no directive awareness which means that we aren’t actually aware of what happens to the points/experiences/aspects of ourselves that we ‘push under’. This is for example what can cause those sudden moments of emotional explosion where something that was suppressed resurfaces like a volcano under pressure with an almost violent force that can’t be controlled. It also goes to show how important it then is to stop suppressing and instead implement self-supportive tools to deal with what comes up/exists within one’s mind and oneself.
For context, read part 1 and 2 here:
- Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt. 2 – DAY 306
- Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt. 1 – DAY 304
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a point/experience/thought comes up in/through my mind that I see requires direction, tell myself to “look away”, that “It’s not that bad”, “It’s just one thought” where I know exactly what I am doing – I am suppressing what comes up within me, to not look at it, to not deal with it, to not take responsibility for myself within and as it – and thus in that moment abdicate myself to the mind, identify myself as the mind, accept myself as the thoughts, as the mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through/as the mind, to not deal with/look at/direct what comes up within me through/as the mind by making the justification that “It’s not that bad” or that “there are so many points coming up that I can’t possibly deal with them all, so I’ll just let this one slide” – when that is in fact a deliberate suppression mechanism and I know that if I direct myself immediately and in the moment, I am capable of handing/directing anything that comes up within me – by being prepared, by me standing stable and solid here, so that the mind does not ‘wash over me’ but that I stand ready to ‘receive’ and direct whatever comes up
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to, in a moment of seeing a point/experience/thought coming up within me that I see requires direction and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and justifications to not face/direct/deal with what comes up, for example through saying that “It’s not that bad” or “there are too many points come up, I’ll let this one go” – I stop and I breathe and I let that thought go. I commit myself to direct what comes up within me immediately and directly and I commit myself to be diligent and persistent as I keep pushing myself to change this pattern of self-suppression into self-direction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive and manipulate myself into believing that “I’m letting it go” when I see a point/experience/thought coming up that I know I have to direct, where I’m not actually letting it go – and I know that I’m not letting it go, because of who I am within that moment of self-suppression
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to, in a moment of seeing a point/experience/thought coming up within me that I see requires direction and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to use the thought “I’m letting it go” as a self-deception and manipulation tactic – I stop and I breathe and I check within myself whether I am clear, whether there is a energy in my solar plexus. I realize that I know the difference between having actually let something go and simply telling myself that I’m letting something go, where it’s actually part of a self-suppression mechanism that I’m deceiving myself through. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself into believing that I’m letting something go, when I can clearly feel that the point is still here within me. I realize that when I deceive myself into believing that I’m letting something go, where I’m not, that I’m undermining my own self-integrity, self-honesty and self-trust, because I’m using what was supposed to be a real letting go as an excuse to actually remain and hold onto what came up within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what comes up within me as experiences/thoughts/memories where it is either something that scares me, that I fear or it is something about myself that I don’t want to face/admit, with deliberately using the words “Oh no, not this” – where I am literally standing AS self-suppression, within and by the decision to suppress myself, where what I had already suppressed resurfaces and I react to it as though it is threatening me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist facing what exists within/as me as the mind, because I fear that it will threaten the ‘stability’ of ‘who I am’ – when in fact, I can only fear what exists within me, if I am living on a lie, because otherwise I would simply embrace the totality of me unconditionally – so what this indicates is that I’ve been living on a lie, pretending that certain aspects of me are not a part of me, only wanting selective aspects – thinking that I can hide and push away those aspects of myself that I don’t like/don’t want, which is actually a double-suppression/deception mechanism, because when I suppress those aspects of myself and hide them from myself I further consolidate their existence within and as
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that suppressing actually has the exact opposite outcome of what my conscious intention with suppressing is; in terms of ‘letting it go’ and pushing away the parts of myself that I don’t like or that I don’t want to associate myself with – because when I push them away, into me they get their own ‘life’ in depth of the mind where I do not yet have directive awareness which means that I can even less direct them or let alone stop or change them, thus implying that suppression from the mind’s perspective has the exact opposite purpose – of actually holding onto and remaining within and as those points rather than letting them go
When and as I see that I react in fear and resistance to what comes up within/as me through the mind as experiences/thoughts/memories where I immediately want to push it away because I don’t want it to surface and ‘contaminate/threaten’ who I think I am here – I stop. I breathe. I push through the resistance and I face myself. I realize that the only reason why I would fear something that comes up/exists within me is because I’m living a lie. As such, the fact that these points/experiences/memories/thoughts come up is actually a gift and an opportunity for me to face the lie that I’ve accepted myself as, and to instead embrace the totality of me and from there enable myself to make directive, self-honest decision about who I am going to be – rather than ‘who I am’ being a result of a ‘censoring’ where I highlight the aspects of myself that I like and suppress the aspects of myself that I don’t like. I realize that I am never going to be able to change or stop the aspects of me that I don’t like or that I don’t want to exist as, unless I actually embrace them as myself unconditionally and direct myself as them in full awareness and self-honesty. I commit myself to stop reacting in fear and resistance to what I see/what comes up within me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and deceive myself through thinking and believing that “I don’t know what this is so I can’t deal with” when a point/experience/thought comes up within/as me through the mind where I deliberately confuse myself and make what comes up ‘unclear’ and ‘blurry’ and where I think that “It is too chaotic/confusing, so I need more time to process it” when in fact – what comes up within and as me, is me, and therefore is my responsibility. And because I have the tools of self-forgiveness, writing, breathing through experiences – I don’t have an excuse to not face or direct points because I know that I can make something clear for myself and even if I can’t there are actually people in my world that I can talk to, which means that there’s no excuse to not direct points, simply because I don’t see them clearly within the moment.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to feel confused/unclear/overwhelmed about what comes up within me through my mind – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have the capacity to deal with and direct everything within me, even if I’m not able to immediately, I have tools through which I can enable myself to direct whatever comes up. Therefore I realize that being confused/unclear/overwhelmed is not an excuse to not deal with/face/direct what comes up within me. I commit myself to – when I feel overwhelmed/unclear or confused about what comes up within me, to utilize the tools of self-support that are available to me, of writing, speaking self-forgiveness and talking to someone about it – so that I make sure that I direct whatever comes up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use physical techniques of suppressing where my suppression-mechanisms has become so automated that I immediately act physically through for example becoming tired and then deciding to go to sleep in a moment of facing a point/experience/thought or where I’d divert my own attention to something else than what I am working with, for example in writing myself out
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, participate in and automate suppression-mechanisms where I will physically/mentally push points away within me or for example quickly apply self-forgiveness and then deceive myself into believing that I’ve “taken care of it” when in fact I can check within me whether there is still an energetic experience or not – which is the point of cross-reference for whether I have actually released a point or not, but instead of utilizing this cross-referencing tool, I’ve used my mind as thoughts through which I’ve then manipulated and deceived myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that none of these suppression mechanisms could work, without me deliberately deceiving myself and lying to myself – because I know exactly what I’m doing and have done it anyway, using thoughts as an excuse to abdicate responsibility for myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse thoughts to manipulate myself and then within separating myself from my thoughts, from my mind, have abdicated responsibility through blaming the mind for being responsible for manipulating and suppressing me – when I in fact as the directive principle of myself, the one that decides am the one that has instigated and used the thoughts to manipulate myself
When and as I am facing a point and for example am in the middle of writing it out and I see and feel an ‘urge’ to get up and move or go to sleep or where I ‘suddenly’ am reminded about something else I should do – I stop myself. I breathe and make the directive decision to stay here, to not suppress myself but to face myself directly and immediately. I realize that suppression is actually a postponement mechanism, because what exists within me doesn’t go away – therefore I’ll simply have to face myself again later. As such, I realize that I can quantify my process and make everything a lot more practical and simple for myself by facing and directing a point within the moment. I realize that I do not need to suppress myself, if I embrace myself and walk with myself here in self-support in self-honesty. I realize that I have the ability and the capacity to face myself and direct what comes up within me through the mind in the moment and that it is my responsibility to direct whatever exist within and as me. I commit myself to stop acting within/through self-suppression and I commit myself to perfect and practice this new application until directing myself immediately becomes a natural expression of myself as who I am in relation to the mind and to myself.
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