2012 – The Dark-Side of The Fairytale of Parenting

January 18, 2012 in World Exposed Blog

nov2010 research top 2012   The Dark Side of The Fairytale of ParentingHow many parents do not feel like bad mothers and fathers, constantly existing in guilt and self-judgment every single day? How many do not believe that everyone else is perfect and well-equipped of being parents? And how many actually are? Welcome to the Dark-Side of The Fairytale of Parenting.

A couple of days ago I was walking home and outside the door to the apartment building was a boy at the age of three standing with his mother. The boy was playing on a rock covered in snow and the mother was standing a little to the side with her hands and face focused on her phone. First I thought about how it was not cool that she was preoccupied on her phone while the child was left to play by himself and I felt sorry for him.

Then it occurred to me that properly a lot if not most parents do actually not enjoy spending time with their children and that there are very few people who are either educated to teach children or who “naturally” simple enjoy it (often also because they enjoy the self-image of themselves as a parent.)
I started looking at how tough it is to be a parent and spending so much time not actually wanting to be with the child, but having to pretend that one is enjoying it, because otherwise one is classified as a “bad parent”. It really takes very little before people are seen as bad parents and ironically it takes a very long time before abuse against children by their parents is being stopped by anyone.

So I was looking at how isolated parents feel and how ashamed they are and how they judge themselves for not actually wanting to be with their children, but they have no where to change this or even share themselves openly. Why? Because most people are able to put up a front of looking like they got everything (and everyone) under control, that they are oh so happy with where they are in their lives, even though underneath it all they sometimes regret even having had children.
The dream of a happy family that started off so promising with a man and a woman that loved each other and a love-child under way in a big fertile stomach, ends abruptly as soon as the parents realize, for real, that this – is for life. And the man is not the man the woman dreamed he would be and even though she knew all along, she pushed her gut-feeling away for the picket-fence dream. And the man realizes that the woman’s body is changing and is not what he dreamed it would be and the woman who before wanted sex all the time, are now devoting all her attention to the child. And the child is screaming louder and more intense than either of them could have ever imagined and the anger and helplessness coming up inside them is so unbearable that they sometimes feel like they are going insane and they secretly wish that they could just get up and leave – some even do. And for the vast majority that is not rich, life is filled with money-problems and bills that seem to pile up like literal mountains of guilt and debt and powerlessness – and it feels like everything is just piles of shit on an otherwise shitty day.

It is the classic story,  right? The Dark-Side of the fairy-tale of parenting.

And everyone knows it or have experienced it for themselves as parents or children themselves, this apathy and feeling like you’re trapped in a nightmare of your own creation. And you don’t really understand how you got there, because everything was supposed to be fine, once you got the man, once you got the job, once you got the house, once you got the child.
This is why there is no continuation to “they lived happily ever after…” – because deep down everyone knows that it is a crock of shit, yet everyone also insist on “giving it a shot” anyway, because maybe, just maybe this is the right man, the right job, the right house and the right decision to get a child just now that will make all the pieces of one’s shitty life suddenly fall into perfect place and the birds will forever twitter in joy – NOT.

So – what is this? Because it is not some single man, woman or family who is participating in this – it is literally every single person on earth, (except for the few who for some reason have been designed with a different program to stand as a contrast and a teaser to show everyone else what they’re missing out of.) who is participating in this “ride of a life-time” – of every life-time, where we chase a fantasy reality, perpetuated as real and realistically obtainable by virtually every single movie, magazine, newspaper and recording artist on the planet.

And by keeping up the charade, these fake faces with toothpaste add smiles and perfectly kept homes and bodies, for those who are even able to do that much, by telling each other stories about how much we love our kids and how blessed we are to have had them and how we have never regretted it for a single second, even though we do in silence every day – we keep this bullshit sugar-coated night-mare going.

So – it is time for some honest parenting.  It is time for self-honest parents that dare share and expose and face their experiences with being parents. Parents that dare facing the Dark-Side of what it means to be a parent.

How many parents do actually enjoy spending time with their children? How many do not secretly wish that they never had children or feel ashamed that their children is reflecting the absolute worst in themselves? Why are these points never addressed or openly spoken about? At the Desteni Forum they are – and we bring all points back to Self – in Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty – so that we can Stand as Self-Responsible Human Beings and as examples for the generations to come.

The truth is that no-one has ever learned how to actually be parents, because how can we be intimate with our children, when we don’t even know how to be intimate with ourselves? How can we enjoy and express ourselves with our children, when we exist in constant fear, suppression and self-denial trying to get the hell out of any ‘authentic’ experience of vulnerability and openness because that only make us face how we really feel inside. And we believe that if we were to face that, our worlds could collapse and we can’t, we just can’t. So we don’t – and we keep pretending that everything is fine and dandy, just like everyone else. And we keep getting up in the morning and going into the hamster wheel we call “my life-choice” or “my career” or whatever we wish to imagine our life was like, believing that we say it enough, perhaps it will come true one day. It doesn’t.

In the Desteni I Process, we walk-with ourselves and each other to support ourselves to become self-honest and self-responsible parents, to ensure that the shit we’ve been born into and have carried with us from our parents and theirs before them, is not transferred to yet another generation. And as such we put and end to the viscous cycle of the sin of the fathers and prepare the birth of a NEW humanity – a humanity that cares for all life, equal and one.

Self-Honest Parenting in all its Dimensions is the Pinnacle for the Birth of a New Humanity.

Imagine no Imagination

December 8, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog

thejoyballad archanN Imagine no ImaginationAs heard on Facebook: “All the breaks you need in life wait within your imagination.”

Common sense perspectives on imagination – there are no breaks waiting in the depth of our imagination – because all there is waiting in the depths of imagination, is for us to take ourselves on infinite rides on waves of fantasy, dreaming and hoping and scheming ourselves into magical futures, where all is suddenly sorted out, neat and perfect and shining. And so we daydream and dose off while we think about all the things we could do or all the things we could have been or we visualize our way into a fictive reality of abstract perfection, without the shameful density of the physical body and world.

All of this done, the inner imagery, so that we do not have to actually be and live Here – in this here reality, where the world is not pretty, where flowers wither and children starve. We do it deliberately so that we can cope with our experiences of ourselves in our daily lives and realities and so that we can manipulate ourselves to keep going in our lives because we hope that it will soon be our turn, that we will soon get our chance to shine. So we will create and conjure up these inner images as a way of creating an inner reality that can take us away from the actual reality of ourselves and of the world. Movies, science fiction novels, role playing and computer games are all created for this exact purpose. We believe that we are “taking a break” from reality – yet do not realize that we exist within and as that exact state of imagining every waking moment and even when we sleep and dream.

I have spent many hours and many large sums of money on visualization. I have visualized myself back to past selves in lives I never knew I had, from being a dragon hunter in some ancient civilization to the princess of Lemuria. I have visualized the colors of my chakras till I was blue in the face. I always thought that there was something wrong with me because I could not “see it” or any of these “images” and that I necessarily had to be “tainted” with/by the “dirt” of the world because my “vision was not clear enough”.

lol – I am using a hell of a lot of ironic brackets here, because it is an ironic topic – all of the brackets are indicating a delusion based on an illusory belief system where we try to become something that is not real. That is what I was trying to do, all those hours visualizing – becoming someone else, a better version of myself – a higher (version of) self.

The origin of the word Imagination comes from image (n.) dictionary Imagine no Imaginationc.1200, “piece of statuare; artificial representation that looks like a person or thing, ” from O.Fr. image ”image, likeness; figure, drawing, portrait; reflection; statue,” earlier imagene(11c.), from L. imaginem (nom. imago) “copy, statue, picture,” figuratively “idea, appearance,” from stem of imitari ”to copy, imitate” (see imitation). Meaning “reflection in a mirror” is early 14c. The mental sense was in Latin, and appears in English late 14c. Sense of “public impression” is attested in isolated cases from 1908 but not in common use until its rise in the jargon of advertising and public relations, c.1958http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=imagination

So – the act of imagining, which is thus something we actively do, is the act of creating mental images based on reflecting reality – and as described above, an image is defined as an “artificial representation that looks like a person or thing” and  as a “reflection in a mirror” both of which thus refers to an inner mental reflection of the actual physical world. What is interesting to note here is that a reflection in a mirror is showed in reverse – thus when we look in a mirror, we are looking back at ourselves in reverse. And an image as an artificial representation is based on a fantasy of what something or someone could look like. So when we imagine something, we are on one hand creating fantasies as artificial realities of what “could be” and at the same time doing so by reversing and inverting reality into and as ourselves.

This can assist us in understanding why we feel a need to create these mental fantasies of a better reality, a better us than who we are now, something more and bigger and meaningful than what is here as a way of trying to cope with our actual experiences in and as this world. Yet by fantasizing and imaging what “could be” we are ironically ignoring and disregarding what is here as the real hands-on, physical reality. So we are actually preventing ourselves from creating, experiencing and living-in the exact reality and self we dream of.

What is thus required, is that we stop imagining and stop waiting for a wonderful reality and a higher self to magically appear some day out of the blue, while we, in our actually reality here, are doing nothing but day-dreaming about what “could be”. What “could be” is never gonna come, if we do not actively and directly place-in the changes that are required for us to actually create the world we would like to live in and the self we would like to live as. We have to actively change ourselves for the world to change and to do that, we require to get back to earth and ground ourselves in self-honesty to SEE what is here and from there decide what is required to change.

To do this we propose an Equal Money System as an interim solution that can bring us back to a point of practical equilibrium, through ensuring that we earth ourselves as equals here in this world, so that we can face ourselves and each other, directly. At Desteni we face reality through facing ourselves. We walk a Process of deconstruction the delusion as illusion that we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be, become and exist within and as. Destonians are human beings that have decided to remove the veil of fantasy and imagination from our own eyes, to discontinue our inner realities so that we can start living and existing here together -in this one reality, on this one earth.

CHANGING THE WORLD with DESTENI – From A-HOLE to A-WHOLE

June 9, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ABd5fxkjMg&w=425&h=349]

Social Survival Autopilot System

September 7, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I looked forward to starting in school age6. Coming there was quite the shock to me. I had been looking forward to begin to learn and now I was one of the big kids and instead I found myself way down the food chain. I had been more or less comfortable with myself and with my expression before that, but starting in school brought a whole new bitter level to life. I was alone and I was in the world now. The overall basic experience since then, was that life was a fight. I wanted to be taken serious by my teachers and by the older students. At the same time, I wanted to be accepted by my peers. At some point I started getting teased for the clothes I was wearing. I started becoming self-conscious, but the point of fashion was no where near my mind at that stage. The basic experience was that I simply didn’t get it. One of the most prominent memories is of a situation, where I am around 8-9 years old and standing in a group in break time. I wanted to participate in the conversation, but I constantly found that I did not have the ‘flow’ of humor. I would say things at the wrong time and everyone would stare at me or I would say something ‘off-beat’ and they would laugh. I decided then and there that no matter what I would learn the ‘timing’ of a social conversation. What is also interesting is that I was not preoccupied with the content at all, which is probably why I did not ‘get it’ in the first place – because I was focused on the structure, who was standing where, where was I standing, who was leaving, who listened? Stuff like that. Many years later, timing and saying the right things at the right time, became my force at to some extend ‘real’, but simply in the matter that I finally ‘automated’ it to a personality – specifically developed and designed with the purpose of fitting into a group. At bit later, when the point of boys opened up for real, I was constantly afraid that the boy would not find me cool enough. Interesting that I had not quite gotten the point about looks at that stage. And I found myself entirely submissive to the boys that I liked – I was in any way un-worthy and had to do everything in my power to ‘earn’ their attention. It was my job, my life-challenge. Then after they gave in and actually fell in love or committed themselves, I lost interest. It was always about the fight. My own integrity and well-being was virtually non-existing. I did not care about myself. For a long time I literally thought that there was something wrong with me, because I did not have a sense of humor. I did not seem to have the inter-action level that other people had, where they were enjoying themselves – I was in a state of self-consciousness and interested in the mechanisms that made social situations work. I was interested in the structure of these situations and it made it difficult for me to participate and it was something that took me years to learn to a somewhat satisfying degree. Playing with another child just the two was easier for me than being in a group because it was always more occupied with the dynamics of the group than what was happening. The reason why this is relevant, is because I both at work and in school have noticed that I ‘change’ – I go into a type of survival mode, where I shut Self-Honesty and Self-Awareness off and simply focus on being liked and being seen as cool. I also learned to Suppress myself within an experience of pushing myself forward/surviving A side-note that is fascinating here is that some people actually pick up on this and thus it back-fires on me, but others do not and accept my picture-presentation. It also seems that the one’s that do not are generally people (mostly men) that are more reserved and self-sufficient, not as occupied with fitting into the group, basically more self-honest people and those are the people I want to impress the most, which is quite impossible. The others are more likely people who have their own or the same point and therefore participate. I will dress according to this. I will eat according to this. I will speak a certain way, do my job a certain way and participate in school activities a certain way – all of it is obviously happening within a make-belief world in my mind, all though some is also taken place on a interactionistic level, where others participate and influence and are influenced. Another point within this that has been prominent is the split between men and women , wherein I have been focused on boys and then men – what I see now is that I had the impression that boys were cool, when they seemed self-sufficient, self-confident and thus I believed that if I could get a boy like that, I would be in the lime-light with him and I needed to get the best boy, the one that were best at this. (he would be the one that were best at surviving socially as well as physically). This is not as specified anymore, although I experience certain reactions to certain impressions in me of expressions.

Scenario at work where this played out:
I want them to respect me and take me serious – so I tell them that I don’t smoke or drink and that I have to get home to work on this NGO (Desteni)
Then I fear that they will not find me cool because I don’t drink and that is threatening their drinking. They might think that I think I am better than them (which I have) and so I stayed even though I wanted to go home

Beliefs/definitions/constructs based on this:
I cannot trust myself
Life cannot be trusted
Others cannot be trusted
I have to fight to survive
I am in a competition with others
I am an idiot – no one must know – I have to become cool
I am cool
I have to learn how to time and be intelligent to survive

Experiences/Consequences
Fear of being exposed as ‘off’/stupid
Confirming/bullying myself in being an idiot
Cannot relax and be myself without the level of Self-Consciousness
Compromising Self-Honesty to fit it/be liked – not be laughed at
Not Accepting myself – Always chasing others
Not caring for anything or anyone
Suppressing my actual experience

1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept that there was/is something ‘wrong’ with me, because I did not fall naturally into conversations and social events
2. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize, see and consider that everyone has this experience of it not being natural and thus that it is not defining or describing me in any way
3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in being ashamed of myself when I was not ‘timed’ and ‘flowing naturally’ in conversations with others and instead was preoccupied with how I felt and with what was going on a ‘Resonant’ level
4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to secretively define myself as ‘better than’ the others for ‘seeing behind the scene’ , when in fact I did as everyone else did and do, gave into the situation and let the system run – none of us was ‘there’ – it as all system
5. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as ‘a freak’ and as being ‘over sensitive’ (someone else’s expression) towards social situations and for taking things way to serious
6. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as ‘an idiot’ and as ‘not cool’ because timing and humor did not come ‘naturally’ to me and therefore having Accepted that there was something wrong with me
7. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was the only one experiencing myself like this, ‘uncomfortable’ and ‘unnatural ‘ in these social situations specifically in groups, when in fact everyone (or most) have this experience, with it being based on Survival and being Fake as a System
8. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be authentic and in believing that who I was when I was Honest and Authentic was/is ‘an idiot’
9. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself as ‘an idiot’
10. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Suppress myself and to Submit myself to Surviving by being Fake, based on the experience of the shock of coming to school unconditionally, looking forward to learn and be in the world and then experiencing the dog eat dog world of competition and comparison
11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept competition as a Base-Line experience/condition of Existing
12. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself to compete with others
13. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear and resent break time and lunch break, because it has been within those situations where I did not know what to do with myself, where I felt pressure to ‘perform’ specified in making friends, having fun and becoming popular, all to ensure my own survival in the system and to rectify myself as ‘an idiot’ as ‘wrong’ as ‘a freak’
14. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself only according to my experience of myself in a competitive social situation of being ‘off’ and ‘inadequate’ as well the experience I had of myself when I was being bullied and teased for how I was dressed
15. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as uncomfortable and uneasy in social situations, specifically in groups of peers and for having experienced, defined, judged and Accepted that there is ‘something wrong’ with me because of this experience
16. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to feel comfortable and natural in these group situations
17. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that everyone else was participating authentically, naturally and comfortably in these group-situations, instead of realizing that most people have the same experience as me, and that by not sharing and challenging these experiences, we allow ourselves and each other to be trapped in them – as fake faces
18. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be part of the group, to experience myself as and being seen by others as cool
19. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire for others to respect me and take me seriously
20. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to suppress my starting-point of having Accepted myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ because I wanted to eradicate and get away from that experience of myself, believing that if I annihilated myself from myself, I would be able to re-design myself as ‘cool’ and ‘intelligent’ – which I then did
21. (another memory from this period pops up now that is in relation to this point, but also an entirely different point. Henriette)
22. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to try to ‘get away’ from the experience of myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ while at the same time having Accepted myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ and thus never getting away from this experience, no matter how much I have ‘corrected the mistake’
23. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if/when I was able to express myself and participate with others in a ‘correct way’ according to my idea about being cool, specifically with regards to timing, humor and ‘flow’, then I would stop being ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’
24. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately annihilate, suppress and push myself away, within and as Self-Honest Self-Expression as a child, because I believed that ‘Who’ I was, was a mistake, was wrong, would never fit it and thus not survive and therefore I believed I had to become someone else
25. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as a threat to my own survival, based on the experience of ‘not fitting in’ because I was looking too much behind the scene, which made it difficult for me to participate ‘naturally’ in conversations and social situations with other children and therefore having believed that I had to eradicate myself and transform myself into ‘someone’ that would be respected and seen as cool
26. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately and specifically transform myself to the point of being perfect with timing, in saying things at the exact right time that would make people laugh or simply respect me as cool and strong and intelligent
27. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that people would discover ‘who’ I ‘really’ was and then would bully me, laugh at me and reject me
28. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to bully myself
29. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to ridicule myself
30. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to reject myself
31. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as ‘unworthy’
32. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘unworthy’
33. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care for myself in fact
34. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care for others in fact
35. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care in fact
36. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that only by eradicating and destroying myself, would I be able to survive in social situations
37. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to eradicate and destroy myself in order to survive in social situations
38. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to experience myself as cool
39. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire for others to experience me as cool
40. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately eradicate and ridicule those that I saw as ‘weak’ because they reminded me of my own experience of myself, which I was scared to be exposed within and as and therefore I resented when others were not able to hide their ‘weakness’
41. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having eradicated and ridiculed others for not being ‘cool’
42. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be cool
43. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define being cool as being ‘indifferent’, ‘insensitive’, ‘timed’, ‘self-sufficient’ and ‘self-confident’
44. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be uncaring and for having Accepted and defined that as ‘cool’ – as ‘elite’ and ‘best’
45. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Participate in, Create and Accept that there is such a thing as ‘cool’– which basically is a judgment of being ‘better’ than something else/someone else, being ‘Elite’ compared to something/someone else, thus being based on competition and comparison in and of the mind – and not having anything to do with the Practical Reality
46. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Believe and Accept that having a ‘Cool Image’ is the most important thing in the whole world and that being seen/defined as cool by others, gives me points of ‘worth’ that is ensuring ‘my survival’
47. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not being cool
48. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent my mother for making me wear ‘uncool’ clothes
49. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not knowing which clothes are cool
50. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not knowing which music is cool
51. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if I do not find a way to be cool, I will not survive
52. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself and others to be cool
53. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having participated in and supported ‘cool’ as real, when it is a make-belief idea of the mind, based on fear and survival within the Acceptance of myself as Separate
54. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having participated in and supported ‘cool’ as real and for within that tacitly having accepted judgment as a starting-point for how I exist, how I experience myself and others
55. I do not Accept judgment as a starting-point . The only Starting-Point that is Valid and Real, is Life Supporting Life
56. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear losing myself within the personality of being cool, based on having designed myself to perfection within timing, speaking and expressing myself and fearing that when I stop that and myself as that, that I will be exposed as ‘an idiot’ – when all this is actually showing is that I have Accepted myself as ‘an idiot’ the whole time, but that I have suppressed it and thus fear losing my face fake, because I fear facing how I actually have experienced myself and the fact that I have annihilated myself for a make-belief world of competition
57. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I cannot and should not trust myself, based on the shock I experienced when I entered school for the first time
58. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that Life cannot be trusted, when in fact it is the ideas about Life that cannot be trusted and how we have shaped Life according to these ideas
59. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that others cannot be trusted, but within that basing on a hope/desire/expectation towards trusting others, instead of realizing that as longs as well Accept ourselves in and as the Mind-System of Self-Interest, Survival and Fear – No one can be trusted
60. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I must fight to Survive
61. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must Fight to Exist
62. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience Life, within and a Fight for Survival
63. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Fight others based on the belief that Life is a fight to Survive
64. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be shocked to discover this when I was 6 years old and for having been stuck in that shock ever since
65. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Challenge that which I took for granted, in and as myself, in and as others and in my relations with others and in the world
66. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Unconditionally Accept the World and The System and for having Submitted myself unconditionally into it, to fit in, Survive and satisfy the system
67. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Define, Experience and judge myself as a subject to the System
68. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit myself to the system, because I wanted to be cool, because I wanted to escape my experience of myself as not-cool
69. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in anger and resentment towards my mother for not having prepared me for entering school and within that I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent all parents for not preparing the children for entering school
70. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I must fight and compete with others to Survive
71. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must be the Best in order to Survive
72. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be the Best at surviving
73. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to ‘catch’ a man that is the best in surviving (successful, good looking, intelligent) and thus believing that by hooking up with a man like this, my chances of surviving will increase
74. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that everything within this System is based on Survival – and Survival is based on the Acceptance of
75. Separation and within that the creation of Fear of Losing Oneself to another ‘part’
76. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately design myself as ‘cool’ within the definition of cool as being ‘indifferent’ (smoking weed and self-suppression) self-sufficient and self-confident, which I never was and thus had to deny and annihilate myself being fake in order to ‘achieve’ this.
I Let go of the belief that I have to Fight to Exist
I Stop Fighting
I Let go of the Desire to be Cool
I Let go of the personality in which I am Cool
I Let go of Fear of being Exposed as uncool
I Stand by me
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to have this point cleared now so that I can share it with others – instead of taking my time to clear it effectively and sufficiently for myself. I have to go to work soon – which is cool, because then I can practice all of this. So It is not done – but I finally got it opened up.

Update on the ‘Autopilot of Social Survival’
So I went to school yesterday after I had written about the point and applied Self-Forgiveness. My main goal was to not go on ‘autopilot’ and ‘check out’ basically instead of remaining Here in Self-Honesty. It was apparently easier said that done, because already as I was getting dresses, I was following the point of ‘fitting in’ – I was saying to myself ’Wear what feels comfortable’ and yet I was trying to look a certain way, and you know, not even look a certain way – but specifically NOT look how I felt when I was 6 years old and got teased for what I wore. I think that one of the reasons why this is something that has ‘stuck’ in me, is because it was such a shock to me back then, that the world was like this, that I was like this – and so to prevent myself from ever being shocked and ambushed like that again, I have done my hardest to prevent it from happening – yet remaining ‘locked’ in that experience of being ‘off the beat’ and ‘un-cool’. So I dressed and I left and I applied Self-Forgiveness on the bike on my way there – That is something I enjoy very much and I have slowly but surely gotten over the point of Applying Self-Forgiveness in public. This might have something to do with the overall structure of my personality, but I actually find it easier to apply Self-Forgiveness in public than to sit by myself at home saying the sentences.

I got to school almost two hours too early because I had to catch up on my reading to the day’s lessons. I never finished because people kept coming and I got distracted the whole time. That was a note to myself that it is much better if I read at home. With regards to the point of the auto-pilot of social survival, I did go on it. We had to form study groups and I was anxious and nervous about it. I was afraid that no one would go into a group with me. Same starting point – ‘There is something wrong with me’. Eventually it all worked out. I got in a randomly selected group with 9 other people, mixed men, women and ages so that is actually as cool as it could possibly be. It is easy and almost ‘natural’ for me to take charge in a group – so I was playing with the point of remaining absolutely silent, not saying anything – This is something I have tried to do before in schools and other social situations, with no success. I will tell myself to shut up and two minutes later, I am chatting away. A point of justification is also that I have believed that this is really ‘who I am’ as though it is my ‘natural self-expression’. I Realize that this is part of the Survival System and even more importantly that I have feared giving it up. Okay, well that is cool – because I have reached some kind of partly conclusion on what these points consist of:

Fear of Missing Out – (Also represented in other points like Fear of Death), (also based on specific experiences from the past that I have attempted to avoid, yet which has defined me)
Fear of being alone – connected with the belief that I need other people to exist (as personality)
Fear of giving up (no losing) Personality as Survival – specifically the chatting, ironically a presence that says ‘I am Here’ – even though I am ‘Not Here’ because I am running some fucked up Survival scheme

I Allow myself to Let Go of myself as Personality
I Allow myself to Let Go of Fear
I Allow myself to Let Go of having to fit in – I Allow myself to be Self-Honest and Self-Supportive
I am not attending these classes or this job to be liked – Fuck being Liked
I Allow myself to Let Go of Fear of not being liked

I am Here to Support myself to Stand up as Life – To Stop All Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist within and as Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself within and as Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Believe that I am a System

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted myself as the thoughts and emotion in my mind and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted myself as subject to the thoughts and emotions in my mind believing that this was all I was

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself Unconditionally as Life, to Walk this Process of Stopping the Mind in Self-Trust and Self-Love

I Support me as Life

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