August 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post I am going to work with the words ‘value’ and ‘worth’. This point emerged when I wrote out my previous post regarding the desire to have males find me attractive and how I saw that I had placed my value and worth as ‘a woman’ on males being attracted to me, but what I’ve found even more fascinating as I’ve been looking at this point is how I haven’t valued myself at all, growing up I didn’t even consider valuing myself. As I’ve written about this point I’ve realized that I in fact have defined myself as being the opposite of ‘valued’ and ‘worth’. I’ve defined myself as a threat to my own social survival and within this my entire focus has been on finding worth and value through others valuing me.
This is in continuation to a lot of posts lol – but as of lately the following ones:
- Looking for Self-Worth in the Eyes of Others: DAY 233
- Be Your Own ‘Chosen One’: DAY 230
- Not being “The Chosen One” – Childhood Friendship Paranoia: DAY 228
- Letting Go of the Thought “There Must Be Something Wrong With Me”: DAY 227
- “There Must Be Something Wrong With Me” – DAY 224
Now, I had a chat with my DIP buddy about this and I explained to her how I even experience resistance towards the point of valuing myself, I’ve literally seen no value in valuing myself. What she said was the following:
“‘Value’ is a key-word your mind has used in how it has kept you trapped in energy-cycles so that’s what the resistance is from – just considering to value yourself as what value is – is a threat to your mind’s whole control-system.”
Even writing this now, I experience the resistance – which is fascinating. Because obviously it doesn’t make any sense at all. Why would we experience resistance to valuing ourselves? Why or how has self-worth or self-value become a taboo within us?
What I saw within my chat with my buddy is that if I am to value myself, it means that I have to value those parts of myself that I have considered to be a threat to my social survival and as such I ‘risk’ my social survival by valuing myself. Because valuing myself means also valuing those aspects/expressions of and as myself that I have experienced others rejecting in the past or for example pushing me away from.
See, I understand within common sense that I have value by the mere fact that I am here breathing and existing as the potential of life, I understand that I am value within and as how I live and as who I live. However none of this makes sense to me, it sounds extremely hollow. And the backchat that keeps popping up is: “but I don’t have real value.” So within my mind there’s an actual insistence that I don’t have value, I am not value, I am not worth. I vaguely remember making the decision to not value myself simply because it was easier or so I believed to completely abandon and dismiss myself only to immerse myself in looking for self-value through others.
The basic gist of it, as I’ve written in previous blogs is that I believed and accepted that who I was, what I was, how I was, was inherently ‘wrong’ and that I had to change myself to stand a chance in this world. And within this I gave ‘others’ the power of definition as to what value is, what is valued and thus how I must mold and change myself to be valued by others.
I was a loud and physically expressive child. I would sing, jump, dance and do gymnastics wherever I could. But I was told that I was too loud, to jumpy. And I remember one time when I was just stated in school, where I stood up in front of the whole school at a meeting and told them something. In that moment I was simply expressing myself as I would naturally, I still do it today – yet more constrained. And in that moment people looked perplexed and they laughed. It wasn’t so much a moment of embarrassment. It was more an understanding of “aha okay, I wasn’t supposed to do that. There’s a hierarchy here. And small children don’t stand up and express themselves without fear.”
Another memory is how I enjoyed being by myself playing, building things in the basement and going for bike rides in the woods by myself. But I also remember that I was lonely. That I perceived it as wrong to be alone. That there was something wrong with me because I didn’t have any friends. So I made an effort to invite friends home and to go home to them. And within that I felt hollow, I constantly felt like something was missing. I was constantly tense and constricted within myself. I didn’t realize that I could value my own expression. I thought that other people and my relationships with other people was the single most important thing in the world.
I think that a part of this point stems from me seeing how my mother was lonely and how she had difficulty interacting with others and how people often didn’t like her. It made me incredibly sad and embarrassed that people didn’t like my mother. I was angry at her because I felt that it automatically reflected bad upon me. So I have made an effort throughout my life to become likable. I’ve feared tremendously ‘ending up like my mother’ within and as how I perceived her as being sad, lonely and isolated.
So value to me has been: being liked by others. That others want to be with me, that others see value and usefulness in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and accept self-value as the value of myself as who I am specifically based on my experience of whether others like me or not and whether they want to be with me or not based on having seen my mother and perceived my mother as lonely and isolated because people didn’t like her
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the extent to which I have placed value on social relationships and how I have defined the value of myself entirely according to my ‘success’ and effectiveness within interacting with others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-value and self-worth as ‘being liked by others’ and thus within that, that I have completely dismissed and disregarded actual self-worth and self-value as recognizing and honoring, respecting and developing myself as value and worth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that I have no value or worth, if I am not valued or found worthy by others and within and as this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the value and worth of myself in the hands of the world-system specifically in the context of social relationships and the starting-point of these within the culture that I have been born into, where for example I have placed worth and value on beauty, being attractive to males, sex, alcohol, drugs and gossiping because that was what I saw being valued by those around me and as such I integrated the same values into myself, dismissing and abandoning myself as value
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never even consider or regard who and what I am as value as myself, as that from which I grow and expand myself, as that from which I contribute to an expansion in others
See – what I am realizing is that, that which is my actual value is myself as my expression, the uniqueness I bring into this world – the potential of and as myself to contribute to creating a world that is best for all – the part of myself that can be of benefit for all, the missing ‘piece’ of all of us that I can bring back together.
Because what I have seen in exploring the word ‘value’ is that that which is valuable is what is the most useful and beneficial in a specific context – which in the context of where we are currently in this world means that which can contribute to bringing about a world that is best for all, that which can contribute to removing the veil of the mind before our eyes, that which can contribute to us expanding ourselves beyond the mind and bring ourselves together in oneness and equality. This is real value. And I see that I have had this potential within me from the moment I was born. But I made a direct decision to completely disregard and dismiss all parts of myself that stood within this principle or that had the potential to live this principle. An example is that throughout my life since I was a child, I’ve been acutely aware of group dynamics, I’ve had an ability to see rather directly beyond the veneer of the constructed reality of social relationships. But what I did as a child was I was scared by this, I perceived it as a burden, I was told I was too sensitive, it made it difficult for me to play and form relationships with others because I was always concerned about ‘who we are’ within what we do. So for example if there were a conflict between two people in the group, I would want to sort that out rather than continue working. This is something that has created a lot of conflicts in my life, because it was the perspective of others that it was a waste of time to be concerned about ‘feelings’ and that we should rather focus on our work. I wasn’t effective at naturally integrating myself into a social gathering because there was always this ‘layer’ of awareness within me of looking at how the social gathering was constructed. I see now that this is a huge gift and that I turned it completely and entirely into a form of paranoia, where I would analyze the situation within taking it personally and constantly looking at how to place myself in the social context I was within. I can see that this problem originated from the fact that I had an ability to see social constellations from ‘the outside’ but this ability I experienced as a threat to my participation because it made it difficult for me to enjoy being with others and naturally expressing myself.
As I am writing all of this, I am surprised how extensively this entire point has influenced my life. I can also see how this point is a key to expanding myself within my process. Because it is a virtual/mental prison that I’ve held myself in, based on still valuing social relationships.
An example of this entire point is how I’ve valued beauty as being very important. Now – beauty isn’t a real value, this is absolutely certain, because beauty serves no practical value whatsoever. But because I’ve unconditionally accepted the world system, my culture and peer group’s value-system, I’ve also accepted that beauty is very important. And within this I have compromised myself. Because I have integrated this point as a value within myself, I have dismissed and disregarded the value of my physical body. And it is not even that I remained within looking in from the outside at the value systems of the world. No, I fully integrated them into and as myself. In the end I didn’t need anyone to show me or tell me what was valuable because I created a system within myself that I wouldn’t defer from no matter what anyone said or did. This also meant that I remained loyal to the system, believing in it completely – though obviously not without inner conflict because it meant that I couldn’t stand by myself at all. I’ve perceived submitting myself to the system as a way of empowering myself, where I directly and deliberately compromised and dismissed any real value within myself. This was the case with the food I ate and developed preferences towards, drugs, alcohol, the music I listened to, the clothes I wore, the words I integrated into my vocabulary, the people I surrounded myself with, the travels I took, how I decorated my room – literally everything. There are so many times in my life where I have seen that something would be cool for me to do or something that I wanted to do, but where I didn’t allow myself to do it or say it or show it, because it wouldn’t be within the starting-point of serving the system. Yet even within this, it is complex, because even within the system, there are sub-systems. So for example, I identified myself with the kind of ‘rebel culture’ of being against the system, yet this meant that I had to defer from being interested in education for example and within this I shut myself out from an entire part of society – which then became a secret desire for success. But even this desire weren’t real, it was yet another avenue of honoring and being loyal to the world system. A question that I am asking myself is: whom would I be if I stood within and as certainty within myself as value – that I am what is value, what is worth? How would this affect my life? What is it that I am so afraid of losing if I were to sever the ties to the values I’ve lived by? This is most fascinating because I see that the answer is: then I would be all-alone. The fear is to be all alone. And it is fascinating because opening up this point is like opening up floodgates, it is like my entire life and who I’ve been and every action that I’ve taken fits into this one point. And a preliminary realization that comes up is that the origin point is seeing how my mother experienced herself when I was a child. This wasn’t even explicitly based on seeing her, but also how she described her experience of herself. I remember distinctly a specific point that made a huge impression on me. When we were at school functions at my school, she would usually sit alone and she would tell me how she didn’t know how to interact with the other parents and how it was uncomfortable for her. She feared they were judging her because she was too old. She wasn’t very good at ‘being friendly’ with other people. And this whole thing I took personally and I was angry and embarrassed at my mother. I felt like I, in extension of being her child was exposed and I feared that I would end up like her, that I would live my entire life alone and that no one would ever like me or want to be with me. So within this I concluded that one’s experience of oneself is determined by whether or not one is liked by others. And so I set out on a life-long ‘journey’ to become likeable. And the thing that I see now is that I succeeded. I remember one time where a roommate told me that I was a very comfortable person to live with. This was like the honor of all honors lol – it was like I had reached the goal I had set out as a child, to become a likable person to never have to end up experiencing myself isolated and lonely. But the thing is that it was all a constructed personality. And I had spent so long constructing it that I had become ‘natural’ within playing it out that I now consciously defined myself within and as it – yet there was an entirely different reality of fear underneath it all. I was ‘comfortable’ to live with because I prioritized getting along with others as a top priority. I would in a heartbeat drop a personal want or desire if it served the group. I would keep an eye on potential conflicts within the group and try to solve them. I would do my best to not bother or disturb other people. I never played loud music. I made sure as best as I could that I didn’t do anything that could potentially piss people off. And I would within that also be ‘considerate’ towards the needs of others – like asking them if they need help for example. And where I am standing how is at the accumulation of this entire process. I have succeeded in becoming a likable person. Obviously not to everyone and I definitely still make mistakes that causes people to not like me. And this is exactly what I have been unwilling to give up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse to let go of and give up the value that I have placed in defining my self-worth and value according to being liked by others because I experience that I have finally succeeded in developing a personality in and through which I can make myself likable to others, not seeing, realizing or understanding how I have virtually sacrificed myself as self-worth and self-expression to be liked by others, not to mention the extreme strain that I have imposed on my physical body through constantly restraining myself, suppressing myself and existing within stress and fear that others won’t like me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of the value that I have placed in defining my self-worth and value through others liking me, because I believe and experience that if I let go of the personality that I have created myself into and as, as being likable then I will ‘end up’ back where I started, which I’ve basically perceived, believed and experienced as being back in the experience I had with my mother when I saw and heard how she experienced herself in relation to others as alone, lonely and isolated
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the want/need/desire I have created towards being liked by others and valuing only myself according to whether or not others liked me, was a ‘weakness’ on my part, a ‘flaw’ – not seeing, realizing or understanding how the starting-point was in fact me fearing to end up like my mother – alone, lonely and isolated due to not being effective at communicating and relating with others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invert it and integrate into myself when I saw my mother feeling alone, lonely and isolated – where when she expressed that, and I felt that from her, I activated and created a fear within and as myself that I would never be able to relate to other people, that people wouldn’t like me and that I would therefore be alone, lonely and isolated for the rest of my life without ever making any friends
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how the way my mother experienced herself in relation to others, was in fact an experience that she had created within and as herself and that it was thus her decision to isolate herself and to experience fear toward others not liking her – and that I inverted into myself by believing it was real and by inverting into myself through defining myself in association with my mother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive my entire life in the context of who and what I have defined and accepted myself as, especially in relation to others, based on a starting-point of fearing to be alone, feel lonely and isolated – because that was the conclusion that I made when I saw how my mother experienced herself and how she related that to her ineffectiveness in having relationships with others, where I thus concluded that an experience of loneliness and isolation comes form others not liking you – instead of seeing, realizing and understand that I took my mother’s justification and excuse for her experience of herself where she projected her experience onto others – and I believed that it was real and I made a decision to do whatever it took to become likable so that I wouldn’t have to feel lonely, alone and isolated
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never accept or allow myself to enjoy and value my own company, my self-expression – because I have created a belief that I am inherently a threat to myself, because of the belief that I exist as a ‘heritage’ of my mother and thus because ‘I am her’/’I am the same as her’ I must change myself and avoid being all that which I perceive to be the reason why others wouldn’t like me – which is essentially everything that I am and exist as – as the real value of and as myself.
(I will continue in the next post.)
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