SelfConfidence - Anna's Journey to Life

Self-Forgiveness – Release, Breathe, Walk

September 9, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that my ability to structure myself within writing and within applying self-forgiveness is ‘gone’ and thus believe that I am no longer capable of applying myself structurally in Self-Discipline and Self-Direction, instead of Realizing that I have to Will myself to Structure and Discipline myself – that it is not something that happens by itself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to trust myself to Stand and instead having expected myself to fall, thus creating a backdoor through manipulating myself by listening to and trusting the mind as me speaking to and existing as ‘myself ‘, while it is actually a programmed information system based on words and symbols that I have imprinted with energy, through Accepting it as myself and through defining myself according to it – that I have Abdicated myself to

I DIRECT ME HERE
I ALLOW MYSELF TO TRUST MYSELF TO STAND AND STAND AND STAND UNTIL I STAND

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself, within my Process of Standing up, by using specific tactics of emotional manipulation through allowing myself to be Directed by the Mind – to prevent myself from Standing up
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to absolutely specific with how I have manipulated myself, thus actually manipulating myself to only walk ‘half the way’ and not ‘all the way’, thus not walking at all
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear walking all the way
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to defend not walking all the way, by experiencing, defining and judging walking all the way in absolutely specificity as ‘unnecessary’, ‘boring’, ‘hard’ and ‘scary’ – instead of realizing that these experiences are not real, that they are specifically designed to keep me from Realizing myself and Standing up for and As All Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to design myself as Self-Deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as Self-Deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to generate emotions of ‘apathy’, ‘anxiety’, ‘guilt’, ‘shame’, ‘anger’ when I have been faced with a point of transcendence and through having submitted myself to these emotions, believe that I am these emotions thus justifying not pushing through the point of transcendence and actually Changing myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be specific in revealing to myself how I have manipulated myself, thus manipulating myself to not face myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘rushing’ and through this energetic personality of ‘rushing’ having justified not Standing up and Applying myself in Self-Honesty and Common Sense
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I have to ‘rush’ to ‘make it all’, while in fact rushing makes me ineffective and imperfect and is thus useless as a technique to get as much done as possible

I SUPPORT MYSELF TO SLOW DOWN AND REMAIN HERE – TO PARTICIPATE IN DILIGENCE, INTEGRITY, SPECIFICIFTY AND PERFECTIIVITY IN EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY BREATH
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO REMAIN HERE AND FOUCS ON PERFECTING MYSELF IN EVERY BREATH
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO STOP ALL FUTURE PROJECTIONS AND SPECIFICALLY THE PERSONALITY OF RUSHING AND WITHIN THAT THE ENERGETIC EXPERIENCE OF RUSHING AND THE JUSTFICATION THAT I HAVE MANIPULATED MYSELF THROUGH, THAT I HAVE TO RUSH TO GET STUFF DONE. I HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT BY RUSHING I GENERATE ENERGY AND TENSION WITHIN ME AND I AM LESS EFFECTIVE.
I HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT BY SLOWING DOWN AND REMAINING HERE IN AND AS BREATH, I AM EFFECTIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to not want to Stand up and to secretively defend that within and as me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, trust and Accept that I am that which thinks and nothing else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe/accept/define myself through and as thinking as a ‘who’, when in fact this ‘who’ is nothing but a system of information points seemingly ‘brought to live’ through energy generated through my permission, abusing the ‘Real’ as the Physical
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to follow and submit to every impulse of thought, emotion, feeling or reaction
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be inferior to the mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I am the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist as the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately betray myself to remain existing in and as the Mind as Separation
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go and Stop myself as the Mind, as Personality, instead of having faced the points where I have held on in Self-Honesty, to see and Realize the Self-Deception, to Stop, Forgive and Direct myself to Stand up as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having secretively not wanting to stand up, but also for having deliberately kept this Secret to myself and to everyone to make sure that I would not Stand up from within it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use my own weakness against myself within having used emotions, guilt, shame and Self-Abuse to trap myself within Deliberately not Standing up as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hide from myself that I did not want to Stand up as Life, that I wanted to remain as Personality, because I interpreted Standing up as ‘loosing’ according to not getting energy and it being hard work, while in fact these interpretations were also excuses, because I was actually scared of Standing up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to do anything to prevent myself from Standing up
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to face and admit to myself that I did not want to Stand up, that I wanted to remain as Personality and thus having created a fake process and another fake personality, in which I pretended to be working on ‘Standing up’, while in fact I was merely Hiding from myself
Okay Right now – Right Here. Enough of this bullshit. I Support myself to Stop any and all emotional reactions through Breath. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to remain Here. I Allow myself to Accept myself. I Allow myself to Support myself.
Till Here and no fucking further. I Stop myself as Personality. I Stop myself as Mind.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and feel that the only thing that would ‘soothe’ my current experience is smoking a cigarette
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive myself into the experience that if I smoked a cigarette, I would not experience anxiety and shame and regret and anger towards myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop Applying myself in Self-Forgiveness and Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, feel and participate in Shame of what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to regret having abdicated myself to the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive and seduce myself into greater Separation into the Mind as Self-Interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, participate in and experience rage and anger towards myself for having Abdicated myself to the Mind as Self-Interest and Separation
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as desperate
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I see Marlen’s videos, because they remind me of Marlen’s diligence and my own cowardice and deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist as a crook and a deceiver and a leech and a coward and a fake
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be someone else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to walk in circles
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to walk in circles and loops instead of walking a point through until it is done
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to give up on myself again

I DO NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF – I SUPPORT MYSELF AS LIFE – NOT AS MIND
I SUPPORT ME THROUG FOCUSING ON THE MOMENT – ON WHAT IS HERE IN AND AS THE PHYSICAL
I ALLOW MYSELF TO REMAIN HERE AS BREATH
I LET GO OF THE FEAR OF NOT BEING IN CONTROL – I LET GO OF THE BELIEF THAT I AM IN CONTROL – I LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO BE IN CONTROL

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify trying to escape myself by creating emotions that are uncomfortable, which I have the justified myself to avoid
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in fear of the future
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear death

I EMBRACE DEATH AS MYSELF – I AM GRATEFUL FOR DEATH – until Death is no longer necessary, I Support Death – Not Suffering, Abuse or Deception
I ALLOW MYSELF TO DIE
I ALLOW MYSELF TO LIVE

I take Responsibility for myself – I push through and Breathe through, forgive and let go of emotional experiences until I stand Here immediately
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to sleep in order to suppress myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel tempted to sleep to suppress myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself to remain Here, in and as Breath, Supporting myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I did not deserve to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Deny myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abuse myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abuse Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Separate ‘Life’ and ‘me’

I ACCEPT MYSELF AS LIFE
I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS ANYTHING LESS OR MORE THAN LIFE
I CARE FOR MYSELF AS LIFE
I AM ALIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define Life as ‘Good’ as ‘Purity’ and ‘Perfection’ instead of Push myself to Live the Realization that Life is All that is Here and that the point of Self-Purification and Self-Perfection is a Self-Corrective Action that we are taking as Life and thus not something I am Separate from
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to Die
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to disappear
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect not to ‘make it’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience frustration and irritation with the expression of ‘making it’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to get mad and frustrated with Bernard and for blaming Bernard for ‘making me’ experience anxiety and fear and desperation – instead of being Grateful towards Bernard, Equal Here as Life, for exposing me as Dishonesty and Self-Deception in Separation of myself Here as Life, for me to take Responsibility for in Self-Honesty and Self-Correction
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for having participated in and accumulated emotions, feelings and thoughts and thereby having revealed for myself that I have not stood absolutely
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame Bernard for making Process too hard, when in fact I am the only one making it hard for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accumulate distractions, resistances, excuses and justifications that have made it extremely easy for me to fall and extremely hard to stand up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately sabotage my own process of Standing up as Life as Equal and One
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that I will never Stop the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in self-loathing and self-hate for having accepted myself as the mind – instead of realizing for myself, once and for all – that ‘EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT HERE AS LIFE IN FACT’ is the Mind and is coming from and as the agenda of Stopping Life for Realizing myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create the Mind as ‘Self-Aware’ within the desire to be ‘Real’ and ‘Living’ and for not having taken Responsibility for the fact that I have Created myself as the Mind in Separation of myself (which is not possible in fact and thus a make-belief reality)in constant conflict with/as myself because of it
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that there is only me Here as Life or me Here denying, separating, fighting and suppressing myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete with myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize myself and then not having been consistent and Self-Supportive in applying myself to Stop All Separation
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having Realized myself and then having turned my back on Life to continue to Live in Separation and Self-Interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to turn my back on Life in continuing to Live in Separation and Self-interest, in the make-belief world in my mind, instead of Standing up as Life Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss smoking cigarettes
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience a lacking for not being able to smoke cigarettes
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify being in a ‘special position’ in stopping smoking cigarettes and thereby having allowed myself to over-eat
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use my apparent ‘imperfection’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear letting go of myself as emotional
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that only by being and feeling emotional, am I existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify avoiding uncomfortable emotions
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify going to sleep deliberately to Suppress myself so that I do not Face and Correct myself to Stand up from the Mind as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to go to sleep and not exist
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to not exist
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately avoid facing myself in Self-Honesty as Life and for having justified this through the energetic mind-possessed experience of being ‘weak’ and ‘inferior’ – I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto a personality self-definition of and as myself as inferior, to avoid facing and correcting myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto the desire to ‘be someone’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame for having held onto the desire of ‘being someone’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of not having Stopped myself as personality
I STOP MYSELF AS PERSONALITY – I STOP ANNA ELISABETH BRIX THOMSEN IN ALL DEFINITIONS
I Accept me Here as Life, Equal and One with and as Everyone and Everything else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from myself in my mind and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I could be separated from myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify separating myself from myself as Life through deceiving myself into believe and act as though I am inferior and thus unequal and separate from myself as Life and from Life as myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to betray myself on a whim, of giving into one single thought and from that permission having betrayed myself entirely
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abandon and abdicate Self-Direction , Self-Will, Self-Love, Self-Responsibility, Equality and Oneness to live in laziness, self-loathing abuse and self-interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that by using the survival mechanisms that I used as a child when I experienced myself powerless, I would again gain power over myself and my emotions, instead of realizing that all I manifested and accepted for myself, was that same powerlessness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fall into depression and through that depression digging myself deeper into self-deception and denial – and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to force myself to remain self-deceptive, self-denying and self-abusive to remain within perceived power and control over myself, which was nothing but a self accepted as mind-consciousness-system’s programmed and patterned survival mechanisms
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abandon myself as Life and for having accepted myself as survival and self-interest as programmed and patterned personality only
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make myself miserable deliberately to redeem myself from guilt and shame, resulting in the exact opposite
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to give into/manifest/permit and accept thoughts of being worthless, inadequate, useless and I forgive myself that I through having Accepted and Allowed that of myself, have manifested myself as exactly that in my actions, only deceiving myself even further and making myself even more miserable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to dream/fantasize/imagine and idealize in my mind how I believe I should be, thus having projected myself into and as a mental image of myself, without considering, care for and taking responsibility for myself Here as who, how and what I have accepted and manifested myself to be
I forgive myself that I have ever Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that who I accepted and manifested myself as, as the mind as personality – was who I was in fact and that by following the self-made rules, patterns, structures and rituals of myself as personality as mind, I was protecting myself and caring for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself to care for and honour and regard myself as life and that the only time I came close to or was doing so, I chickened out in fear of losing myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if I was not perfect from a perspective of living up to my own ideal of how I believed I should be, then I was useless and should and would be disregarded of everyone including myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be disgusted with myself and the cowardice, dishonesty and deception I have permitted myself to present/represent as myself, for myself and for everyone else as myself, based on only accepting myself as personality, as immanently flawed and inferior and thus justifying every actions either fighting or defending this as fact
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself as Life and for having pretended that I was not worthy of life, simply because I did not wanted to let go of the perceived freedom, satisfaction and self-control of existing as a personality in and as a mind-consciousness design, instead of realizing that it was only within this permittance that I was limited, unfree and not in control of myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe/follow/accept/manifest the thought that if I were to remain a personality, I would be free from being controlled and unsatisfied, when in fact as I have now proven to myself, it is the exact opposite
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hate myself for having betrayed and dishonoured myself and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that what I hade allowed myself to do and allowed myself become, was unforgivable and within that deceiving myself into justifying not Standing Up for Life as All as One as Equal as myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be punished for what I have allowed myself to do and become and for within that not having realized that the punishment that I gave myself, was in deed part of the scheme of deceiving myself into not Standing up for All as One as Life as Equal and for myself as All as One as Life as Equal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge and loathe myself and hold myself onto the idea/experience/belief of having sinned, instead of forgiving myself and letting unconditionally go to allow myself to Stand up and Direct myself to Live and Act as Principle
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fuel the mind, through having constantly participated in and generated emotion
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to defend and protect myself within a personality/pattern design of defying authority and moral and for having used this pattern to deceive myself into enslavement and integration of myself as personality as mind only
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive and experience my work with Desteni and the process of Self-Realization of All as One as Equal as Life, as authoritative, oppressive, boring, enslaving and morally correct and thus justifying, permitting, laying the ground for me to defy and rebel against it, instead of seeing that I within this very manifestation of resistance was reaching a point of break-through that the Mind could not allow, as I would have stopped the mind, stopped accepting myself as the mind and thus ended myself as personality
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to groom myself into a life of misery, bitterness, depression and laziness as the very living manifestation of having accepted myself as the mind, as personality only and for having believed that I could actually be free and satisfied by doing so
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to think/believe/call myself stupid and an idiot for having deceived and betrayed myself into giving over all power and authority of myself over to the mind-design of personality as how and who I accepted myself as
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was fighting against someone else’s control, oppression, morality over me, when all along it was my own definition of control, oppression and morality that I followed, thwarted in the reflection I casted upon others in separation of and in comparison of competition with them from me in my mind
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to deal with/face/take responsibility for my experience of being trapped, controlled, bored and unsatisfied, which I did not allow myself to deal with/face/take responsibility for, because I was ashamed of myself and instead allowed myself to split myself and create/accept/manifest a secret/forbidden personality in which I could ‘live out’ myself as I secretively believed and desired to live, resulting in me further separating myself in and as myself as well as allowing myself to betray and deceive myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to admit/reveal/face all of this for myself, because I had an image of myself, which I desired to fulfil and in which I saw others reflecting me back to myself, how I wanted to be perceived, thus risking losing image and face by revealing myself completely – this I forgive myself for.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to only be interested in being reflected as an ideal image I had of myself in my mind, in which I disregarded myself as Life entirely and within that all of Life entirely, caring only for being seen by others as an image or even as a reflection of an image in my mind, not ever actually seeing or caring for myself Here – as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that I was not Life and that I did not deserve to exist as Life, thus believing that the only way to redeem myself for what I have done and become, was to punish myself and deny myself as Life, deny Life as myself, instead of forgiving and Directing myself in Self-Honesty to once and for all Stand up and Stand by myself as Life, as Innocence
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe myself to be and through my participation and permission of that belief, having become an image only, a lie only, a thought only – only existing vainly in being reflected and accepted as that by others also living as an image, a lie, a thought, thus permitting existence to continue as dishonesty, self-interest and separation – instead of facing all myself and taking responsibility for all of myself Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately invalidate my self-authority, by breaking agreements with myself, by deceiving myself, by taking pleasure in abusing and lying to myself, thus justifying giving up on myself and allowing myself to remain as what I have accepted myself as, as personality of patterned and programmed mind-consciousness-system
I forgive myself that I did not Accept and Allow myself to Support myself in Self-Direction and Self-Forgiveness, as I was pushing through resistances, stopping fear, thoughts and emotions and ending myself as personality and instead gave myself over to deceptive and manipulative survival strategies of the mind
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that what I have done, I did not do because I am evil and bad, but simply because I did not Direct myself absolutely and unconditionally in Self-Trust, Self-forgiveness, Self-discipline and Self-Honesty, thus leaving ‘room’ for the mind to Direct and control me, essentially still accepting myself as the mind, instead of realizing that the thoughts of giving up and caving in, were survival strategies placed specifically and deliberately so that I would fall and remain trapped – in this design that I myself, by my very ‘nature’ of having existed in and as a mind-consciousness-system have given an overriding permission and the authority to Direct me, to become, for me to become and accept myself as
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was unequal and through comparing and competing with others in my mind, having fuelled and validated the idea the I had already accepted, permitted and participated in as valid, that I was inferior, thus validating for myself in my mind that I was unequal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify not Standing up through blaming others for not Standing up and being Self-Honest and for having feared being unpopular, unliked and feared were I to Stand up in absolute Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself by fearing that others would dislike me and fear me if I were to Stand Up in Self-Honesty and for having desired others to like me and trust me, because I did not like or trust myself and because I only saw/experienced/believed myself to be an image reflected by others, deliberately disregarding and suppressing myself within and as Common Sense as Life in Self-Honesty, because I feared not being liked by others
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept/define/see/experience/judge myself as a lazy, self-interested, cowardice self-abusive, half-mad, addicted and indulgent person and that that is all I am and will ever be
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react towards myself with anger, disgust and resentment and for within doing so, not having realized that I within allowing myself to participate in these emotions, were giving fuel for myself to remain enslaved as personality of and as mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge/define/experience/believe/justify the mind and myself accepted as the mind, as evil and unforgivable, instead of realizing that this is part of the deception and that I can only stop myself by forgiving myself and letting go/ended myself off/as the mind, thus by holding onto and blaming the mind as though it was separate from me, I have actually given power to it and in the process defending and validating myself to keep existing in and as the mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a timeloop in which I have enslaved myself and in which I have believed and accepted myself to be enslaved
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to choose myself as personality as self-interest, mind, survival and separation, over Life as All as One as Equal
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop and consider myself Here and instead having held onto an ideal image of myself in my mind of ‘who I was’ or ‘Who I should be’, thus making myself unable to face, forgive and Direct myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be so ashamed of having accepted and allowed myself to disregard Life for self-interest, that I have resisted and validated the resistance of facing myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of having disregarded myself as Life and Life as myself and instead having taken comfort in the self-deception of accepting myself as personality, as flawed, as desiring, as emotional, as thinking, as thoughts
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify disregarding, abandoning, betraying, abdicating Life as All as One as Equal as myself because I felt that the work was too hard and too tedious – and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of admitting that, to myself and everyone else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for having experienced ‘Process’ as tedious and too hard, instead of realizing that the mind in it’s enslavement-survival design, is designed to make me accept it as myself, giving over all authority to it as myself and that I would not be here, had I not done that in the first place, thus everything that I will encounter that is involved in Standing up for as and within Life, will be perceived and transmitted as a threat to the mind and that it is thus only if I accept myself as the mind, thus giving the mind power and validation, that I believe and experience ‘process’ with resistance, fear and resentment and thus, that is exactly where I must Stand up and Stand strong
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having manifested/accepted/participated in accepting myself as lazy, with no backbone and no self-discipline and for within that, having accepted myself only to do what is easy or satisfying, not believing myself to be disciplined and hard working and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to convince myself of this, even when I have proved myself otherwise to myself, thus giving room for self-distrust and doubt and for the justification of not doing anything that I do not like to do or find too hard

I do not Accept myself as weak
I do not accept myself as lazy
I do not accept myself as self-interest
I do not accept myself as a coward
I do not accept myself as self-abusive
I do not accept myself as half-mad
I do not accept myself as an addict
I do not accept myself as indulgent
I Accept myself as Self-Trust
I Accept myself as Grace
I Accept myself as diligent
I Accept myself as Self-Disciplined
I Accept myself as Self-Directive
I Accept myself as Self-Responsible
I Accept myself as Self-Care
I Accept myself as Self-Nurturing
I Accept myself as Self-Willed
I do not Accept myself as thought
I do not Accept myself as personality
I do not Accept myself as emotion
I do not Accept myself as Self-Judgment
I do not Accept myself as fear
I do not Accept myself as powerless
I Accept myself as courage
I Accept myself as Self-Honesty
I Accept myself as Innocence
I Accept myself as Self-Forgiving
I Accept myself as Clarity

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear becoming sick
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect becoming sick
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear getting cancer
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect getting cancer
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear getting cancer from having thoughts about it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear dying in regret
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear dying because if fear missing out
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to regret that I did not push and deleted the backdoor
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that it is too late for me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to give myself a chance
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to be able to pick up where I left off, when it is evident that I have to start over
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be grateful to be able to start over, so that I can ensure that I am standing 100 % for life
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to start over, so I can ensure that I stand 100 % for Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expected myself to fall, thus walking deliberately into the experience of falling
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being judged by the others at school
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to attempt to place a wall around myself, dressing a certain way, speaking a certain way, simply because I fear being disliked, mocked and judged by the others as school
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and experience that I do not know where to start in terms of walking for myself, instead of allowing myself to discover that through walking into the unknown
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear walking with myself alone
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to forget myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as an idiot
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself according to a memory image/experience wherein I felt like an idiot
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the memory, emotion and self-definition of myself as an idiot
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the desire to be cool, to be smart and intelligent, because I feared that if I lost that mask, everyone could see that I was an idiot.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be obsessed with promoting myself to get attention from others, because I believed it was the only way I could get worth and value
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the belief that only by getting attention and energy from others, am I valuable and worthy as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that the only way I can be worthy, have value, is through the energy and attention by others
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to within this construct having supported the Hollywood system of fame and icons and thus supported and believed that life was only valued as an image, thus as the mind
I forgive myself that I have only ever Accepted and Allowed myself to value Life as an image
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to share this realisation with the world on camera, thus the exact point that I am sharing here – thus I Stop

I am Here – I remain Here – I ALLOW MYSELF TO EXIST – I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE ALIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to remind/recall the memory where Bernard said to Matti ‘I am here’ and he did not say it to me and I felt that it was because I was not worth it and because I was not here and then I said ‘I am here’ and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for being an idiot for having said that
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel sick when that memory pops up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react to this memory of Bernard saying ‘I am Here’ to Matti
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be directed and controlled by memories
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself entirely for the sake of being the perfect picture presentation and then within the pressure of constantly having to present a false image and keep up the appearances, I have polarized and thus abused myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept picture-image-presentation as the most important thing in the world
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear letting go of myself as an image/picture-presentation within the mind and within energy and for fearing to become intimate with myself as Life and thus I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to back out
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself unconditionally Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to think about Bernard and Bella and how they see if, whether I am worthy or not – I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to when I think of Bernard to think of someone that is judging me and that is angry at me, when in fact Bernard is Here as Support Equal and One as All life, and what my experience is showing me, is my judgment of myself and the anger I have accepted towards myself which I have then projected onto Bernard in Separation from Bernard and from myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Bernard. From Bella, from the farm, from the people participating in Desteni and seeing them only through my mind, in comparison and completion with me and as projections instead of seeing them equally Here as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive and experience other people as threats that are out to hurt me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to question or challenge my experience of others being out to hurt me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself and Direct myself through these experiences, to apply Common Sense, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness to bring myself Here as life, without judgements, fears or Separation
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand Here as Life as Equal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as distanced from Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear the experience of feeling distanced from Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel that Life is slipping between my fingers
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being punished by Bernard for not having stood as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/experience/define/judge Bernard as superior to me and thus having projected my self-judgment onto Bernard as I also have accepted self-judgement as Superior to me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept Self-Judgment as superior to me

I Breathe
I Allow myself to be Here and Breathe
I Direct myself to Stop Participating in thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions, memories and I slow myself down to focus on the moment and on One Breath at the time

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear what Viktor said about Bernard having said about not being sure about me walking this life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent Viktor for having said that
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to participate in and experience fear that Bernard is correct

I do not Accept that I am not able to Walk this Life time
I Prove this to myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel weak and drained and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that this fall is permanent –Instead of pushing and challenging myself not to Accept that, to simply Apply the tools of Common Sense and Support myself as Life and not as an Image
I Support me Here as Life no matter what
I do no longer Accept myself as an Image
I do not Accept myself as thoughts
I do not Accept myself as emotions
I let go of the fear of falling
I let go of the fear of performing to satisfy someone else
I let go of performing to satisfy men
I let go
I am Here

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear sharing this self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire sharing this self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear falling
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the fear of falling
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Abuse the Life that is me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to shape my lips according to an idea in my mind based on images of Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz, in which I subconsciously have believed that if I strutted my lips like them, I would look beautiful and thus be cool and successful
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel guilty because I have not done sub4sub effectively
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to do Sub4Sub effectively
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame YouTube or some undefined entity as ‘the internet’ for me not being able to sub that many at the time and for believing my problem to be unique and thus having used this to justify why I have not done Sub4Sub and why I have not been effective within it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be overwhelmed with Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Blame myself for not having done Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to imagine myself explaining myself to Bernard that I did not have time
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/judging/experience Sub4Sub in Separation of myself Here as Life, by seeing/defining/judging and experiencing Sub4Sub as less and more than me Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/experience/define Sub4Sub as something I am supposed to do because Bernard says so – which in itself is revealing a personality that I have energetically accepted myself in and as – instead of Standing Equal and One with Bernard and with Everyone else to do Sub4Sub simply because of the practicality of it in gaining more viewers which is crucial to process at this time
I AM ONE AND EQUAL AS SUB4SUB
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO SUB4SUB
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of not having been effective with Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use the excuse that I don’t have time to do Sub4Sub , while in fact I almost every day spend time on activities that are irrelevant such as shopping. Watching something or in most cases thinking and feeling
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise my participation in Sub4Sub through having Allowed myself to spend my time shopping, watching something or worrying in the mind through thoughts and emotions

I PARTICIPATE EQUALLY IN SUB4SUB – I AM RESPONSIBLE TO DO SUB4SUB EFFECTIVELY ACCORDING TO THE TIME I AM AVAILABLE AS PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC
I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF TO EXPERIENCE GUILT OR SHAME WHEN I DO NOT DO SUB4SUB, BECAUSE I HAVE AGREED WITH MYSELF THAT I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR DOING SUB4SUB EFFECTIVELY ACCORDING TO MY ABILITY AND CAPACITY TO DO SO
I SUB4SUB FOR WORLD EQUALITY – BECAUSE IT IS A FREE COMMON SENSE TOOL TO SPREAD THE WORD

I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to walk myself into perfection with Sub4Sub because I did not want to take Responsibility for myself, my process or the Equality Process in general
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to walk into and as perfection and for having resisted this through all the tricks I had available
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to avoid perfecting myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge ‘perfection’ as a word of pressure, elitism and as something superior to me that was absolutely unattainable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept Perfection as unattainable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as Imperfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define and experience myself as imperfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to honor myself as imperfect, while in secret desire to be perfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was not able to perfect myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to secretively desire to perfect myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to perfection
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Separate myself from myself as Perfection through having defined/judged/perceived perfection through and as an image in my mind of more than what perfection actually is, thus actually accepting it as less, within not Accepting Perfection as what it is – Completion, Pure, Natural, Whole

I ALLOW MYSELF TO PERFECT MYSELF

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react with nervousness and fear when I see that Lindsey is effective
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Lindsey
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to pretend that I do not separate myself from Lindsey or Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react towards both Lindsey and Marlen with fear and apathy in having Accepted myself to compare myself to the perception I have of them in my mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Lindsey and Marlen and life and for seeing/ perceiving/judging her through and as the mind, as competition and a combatant
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Lindsey and Marlen and life and for seeing/ perceiving/judging her through and as the mind, as competition and a combatant
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/experience/judge every person as an opponent that is out to get me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to having automated the experience and belief and acceptance that other people are out to get me and that I have to protect myself with all means at all costs to survive
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept Life as a battlefield
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete against myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete against ideas in my mind

I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF TO COMPETE – COMPETITION IS THE ULTIMATE SYMBOL OF SEPARATION – AND I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS SEPARATE – I WALK UNTIL I NOT LONGER ACCEPT ANY FORM OF SEPARATION
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO STOP ALL COMPARISON – TO REMAIN HERE – TO ALLOW MYSELF TO ENJOY MYSELF – TO LIVE WITHOUT FEAR

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compare myself to the picture, image perception of others in my mind, always calculating who is more and who is less
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to envy and resent Marlen for being Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself as Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire myself to live up to being Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent and within that having defined and accepted Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent as more than me, thus Separating myself from Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent as myself Here, as Life Supporting Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to project energetic image-definitions and judgments onto others, specifically Marlen as strict and ruthless and Lindsey as perfect, thus comparing myself to these images in my mind – using them to manipulate myself not to Stand
NOT ANYMORE
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted myself as disciplined and thereby holding onto a personality-self-definition of myself as undisciplined and thus ‘untamed’ and thus ‘free’ – while in fact this is an idea in my mind and has nothing to do with reality
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define ‘discipline’ through polarity as ‘obligation’ , as ‘being forced to do something’, as ‘unfree’ as ‘boring’ and thus define undisciplined as ‘free’ and ‘untamed’ – thus actually having enslaved myself to a judgment , instead of seeing Discipline in Equality as me Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be disciplined and for having believed that I am undisciplined
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear discipline
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Apply discipline for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be disciplined
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/judge and experience discipline in Separation of myself as something more or something less than what it is

DISCIPLINE IS TO BE EFFECTIVE WITH WHAT IS HERE – TO SEE WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AND TO DO IT – TO PUSH MYSELF THROUGH RESISTANCES
I ALLOW MYSELF TO DISCIPLINE MYSELF
I ACCEPT MYSELF AS DISCIPLINE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in fear of walking this Self-Forgiveness and for doubting myself to walk
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a backdoor through manipulating myself through inferiority – instead of Directing myself Here in Self-Honesty
I DIRECT ME
I WALK

Tags: addictions, anxiety, cigarettes, depression, emotions, enjoyment, Equality, fear, Future, independence, love, mental problems, Mind, self trust, Self-Confidence, Self-Hate, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness, Self-Transformation, transformation
No Comments »

Social Survival Autopilot System

September 7, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I looked forward to starting in school age6. Coming there was quite the shock to me. I had been looking forward to begin to learn and now I was one of the big kids and instead I found myself way down the food chain. I had been more or less comfortable with myself and with my expression before that, but starting in school brought a whole new bitter level to life. I was alone and I was in the world now. The overall basic experience since then, was that life was a fight. I wanted to be taken serious by my teachers and by the older students. At the same time, I wanted to be accepted by my peers. At some point I started getting teased for the clothes I was wearing. I started becoming self-conscious, but the point of fashion was no where near my mind at that stage. The basic experience was that I simply didn’t get it. One of the most prominent memories is of a situation, where I am around 8-9 years old and standing in a group in break time. I wanted to participate in the conversation, but I constantly found that I did not have the ‘flow’ of humor. I would say things at the wrong time and everyone would stare at me or I would say something ‘off-beat’ and they would laugh. I decided then and there that no matter what I would learn the ‘timing’ of a social conversation. What is also interesting is that I was not preoccupied with the content at all, which is probably why I did not ‘get it’ in the first place – because I was focused on the structure, who was standing where, where was I standing, who was leaving, who listened? Stuff like that. Many years later, timing and saying the right things at the right time, became my force at to some extend ‘real’, but simply in the matter that I finally ‘automated’ it to a personality – specifically developed and designed with the purpose of fitting into a group. At bit later, when the point of boys opened up for real, I was constantly afraid that the boy would not find me cool enough. Interesting that I had not quite gotten the point about looks at that stage. And I found myself entirely submissive to the boys that I liked – I was in any way un-worthy and had to do everything in my power to ‘earn’ their attention. It was my job, my life-challenge. Then after they gave in and actually fell in love or committed themselves, I lost interest. It was always about the fight. My own integrity and well-being was virtually non-existing. I did not care about myself. For a long time I literally thought that there was something wrong with me, because I did not have a sense of humor. I did not seem to have the inter-action level that other people had, where they were enjoying themselves – I was in a state of self-consciousness and interested in the mechanisms that made social situations work. I was interested in the structure of these situations and it made it difficult for me to participate and it was something that took me years to learn to a somewhat satisfying degree. Playing with another child just the two was easier for me than being in a group because it was always more occupied with the dynamics of the group than what was happening. The reason why this is relevant, is because I both at work and in school have noticed that I ‘change’ – I go into a type of survival mode, where I shut Self-Honesty and Self-Awareness off and simply focus on being liked and being seen as cool. I also learned to Suppress myself within an experience of pushing myself forward/surviving A side-note that is fascinating here is that some people actually pick up on this and thus it back-fires on me, but others do not and accept my picture-presentation. It also seems that the one’s that do not are generally people (mostly men) that are more reserved and self-sufficient, not as occupied with fitting into the group, basically more self-honest people and those are the people I want to impress the most, which is quite impossible. The others are more likely people who have their own or the same point and therefore participate. I will dress according to this. I will eat according to this. I will speak a certain way, do my job a certain way and participate in school activities a certain way – all of it is obviously happening within a make-belief world in my mind, all though some is also taken place on a interactionistic level, where others participate and influence and are influenced. Another point within this that has been prominent is the split between men and women , wherein I have been focused on boys and then men – what I see now is that I had the impression that boys were cool, when they seemed self-sufficient, self-confident and thus I believed that if I could get a boy like that, I would be in the lime-light with him and I needed to get the best boy, the one that were best at this. (he would be the one that were best at surviving socially as well as physically). This is not as specified anymore, although I experience certain reactions to certain impressions in me of expressions.

Scenario at work where this played out:
I want them to respect me and take me serious – so I tell them that I don’t smoke or drink and that I have to get home to work on this NGO (Desteni)
Then I fear that they will not find me cool because I don’t drink and that is threatening their drinking. They might think that I think I am better than them (which I have) and so I stayed even though I wanted to go home

Beliefs/definitions/constructs based on this:
I cannot trust myself
Life cannot be trusted
Others cannot be trusted
I have to fight to survive
I am in a competition with others
I am an idiot – no one must know – I have to become cool
I am cool
I have to learn how to time and be intelligent to survive

Experiences/Consequences
Fear of being exposed as ‘off’/stupid
Confirming/bullying myself in being an idiot
Cannot relax and be myself without the level of Self-Consciousness
Compromising Self-Honesty to fit it/be liked – not be laughed at
Not Accepting myself – Always chasing others
Not caring for anything or anyone
Suppressing my actual experience

1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept that there was/is something ‘wrong’ with me, because I did not fall naturally into conversations and social events
2. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize, see and consider that everyone has this experience of it not being natural and thus that it is not defining or describing me in any way
3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in being ashamed of myself when I was not ‘timed’ and ‘flowing naturally’ in conversations with others and instead was preoccupied with how I felt and with what was going on a ‘Resonant’ level
4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to secretively define myself as ‘better than’ the others for ‘seeing behind the scene’ , when in fact I did as everyone else did and do, gave into the situation and let the system run – none of us was ‘there’ – it as all system
5. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as ‘a freak’ and as being ‘over sensitive’ (someone else’s expression) towards social situations and for taking things way to serious
6. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as ‘an idiot’ and as ‘not cool’ because timing and humor did not come ‘naturally’ to me and therefore having Accepted that there was something wrong with me
7. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was the only one experiencing myself like this, ‘uncomfortable’ and ‘unnatural ‘ in these social situations specifically in groups, when in fact everyone (or most) have this experience, with it being based on Survival and being Fake as a System
8. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be authentic and in believing that who I was when I was Honest and Authentic was/is ‘an idiot’
9. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself as ‘an idiot’
10. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Suppress myself and to Submit myself to Surviving by being Fake, based on the experience of the shock of coming to school unconditionally, looking forward to learn and be in the world and then experiencing the dog eat dog world of competition and comparison
11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept competition as a Base-Line experience/condition of Existing
12. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself to compete with others
13. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear and resent break time and lunch break, because it has been within those situations where I did not know what to do with myself, where I felt pressure to ‘perform’ specified in making friends, having fun and becoming popular, all to ensure my own survival in the system and to rectify myself as ‘an idiot’ as ‘wrong’ as ‘a freak’
14. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself only according to my experience of myself in a competitive social situation of being ‘off’ and ‘inadequate’ as well the experience I had of myself when I was being bullied and teased for how I was dressed
15. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as uncomfortable and uneasy in social situations, specifically in groups of peers and for having experienced, defined, judged and Accepted that there is ‘something wrong’ with me because of this experience
16. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to feel comfortable and natural in these group situations
17. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that everyone else was participating authentically, naturally and comfortably in these group-situations, instead of realizing that most people have the same experience as me, and that by not sharing and challenging these experiences, we allow ourselves and each other to be trapped in them – as fake faces
18. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be part of the group, to experience myself as and being seen by others as cool
19. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire for others to respect me and take me seriously
20. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to suppress my starting-point of having Accepted myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ because I wanted to eradicate and get away from that experience of myself, believing that if I annihilated myself from myself, I would be able to re-design myself as ‘cool’ and ‘intelligent’ – which I then did
21. (another memory from this period pops up now that is in relation to this point, but also an entirely different point. Henriette)
22. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to try to ‘get away’ from the experience of myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ while at the same time having Accepted myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ and thus never getting away from this experience, no matter how much I have ‘corrected the mistake’
23. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if/when I was able to express myself and participate with others in a ‘correct way’ according to my idea about being cool, specifically with regards to timing, humor and ‘flow’, then I would stop being ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’
24. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately annihilate, suppress and push myself away, within and as Self-Honest Self-Expression as a child, because I believed that ‘Who’ I was, was a mistake, was wrong, would never fit it and thus not survive and therefore I believed I had to become someone else
25. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as a threat to my own survival, based on the experience of ‘not fitting in’ because I was looking too much behind the scene, which made it difficult for me to participate ‘naturally’ in conversations and social situations with other children and therefore having believed that I had to eradicate myself and transform myself into ‘someone’ that would be respected and seen as cool
26. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately and specifically transform myself to the point of being perfect with timing, in saying things at the exact right time that would make people laugh or simply respect me as cool and strong and intelligent
27. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that people would discover ‘who’ I ‘really’ was and then would bully me, laugh at me and reject me
28. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to bully myself
29. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to ridicule myself
30. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to reject myself
31. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as ‘unworthy’
32. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘unworthy’
33. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care for myself in fact
34. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care for others in fact
35. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care in fact
36. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that only by eradicating and destroying myself, would I be able to survive in social situations
37. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to eradicate and destroy myself in order to survive in social situations
38. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to experience myself as cool
39. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire for others to experience me as cool
40. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately eradicate and ridicule those that I saw as ‘weak’ because they reminded me of my own experience of myself, which I was scared to be exposed within and as and therefore I resented when others were not able to hide their ‘weakness’
41. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having eradicated and ridiculed others for not being ‘cool’
42. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be cool
43. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define being cool as being ‘indifferent’, ‘insensitive’, ‘timed’, ‘self-sufficient’ and ‘self-confident’
44. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be uncaring and for having Accepted and defined that as ‘cool’ – as ‘elite’ and ‘best’
45. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Participate in, Create and Accept that there is such a thing as ‘cool’– which basically is a judgment of being ‘better’ than something else/someone else, being ‘Elite’ compared to something/someone else, thus being based on competition and comparison in and of the mind – and not having anything to do with the Practical Reality
46. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Believe and Accept that having a ‘Cool Image’ is the most important thing in the whole world and that being seen/defined as cool by others, gives me points of ‘worth’ that is ensuring ‘my survival’
47. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not being cool
48. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent my mother for making me wear ‘uncool’ clothes
49. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not knowing which clothes are cool
50. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not knowing which music is cool
51. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if I do not find a way to be cool, I will not survive
52. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself and others to be cool
53. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having participated in and supported ‘cool’ as real, when it is a make-belief idea of the mind, based on fear and survival within the Acceptance of myself as Separate
54. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having participated in and supported ‘cool’ as real and for within that tacitly having accepted judgment as a starting-point for how I exist, how I experience myself and others
55. I do not Accept judgment as a starting-point . The only Starting-Point that is Valid and Real, is Life Supporting Life
56. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear losing myself within the personality of being cool, based on having designed myself to perfection within timing, speaking and expressing myself and fearing that when I stop that and myself as that, that I will be exposed as ‘an idiot’ – when all this is actually showing is that I have Accepted myself as ‘an idiot’ the whole time, but that I have suppressed it and thus fear losing my face fake, because I fear facing how I actually have experienced myself and the fact that I have annihilated myself for a make-belief world of competition
57. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I cannot and should not trust myself, based on the shock I experienced when I entered school for the first time
58. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that Life cannot be trusted, when in fact it is the ideas about Life that cannot be trusted and how we have shaped Life according to these ideas
59. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that others cannot be trusted, but within that basing on a hope/desire/expectation towards trusting others, instead of realizing that as longs as well Accept ourselves in and as the Mind-System of Self-Interest, Survival and Fear – No one can be trusted
60. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I must fight to Survive
61. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must Fight to Exist
62. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience Life, within and a Fight for Survival
63. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Fight others based on the belief that Life is a fight to Survive
64. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be shocked to discover this when I was 6 years old and for having been stuck in that shock ever since
65. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Challenge that which I took for granted, in and as myself, in and as others and in my relations with others and in the world
66. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Unconditionally Accept the World and The System and for having Submitted myself unconditionally into it, to fit in, Survive and satisfy the system
67. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Define, Experience and judge myself as a subject to the System
68. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit myself to the system, because I wanted to be cool, because I wanted to escape my experience of myself as not-cool
69. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in anger and resentment towards my mother for not having prepared me for entering school and within that I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent all parents for not preparing the children for entering school
70. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I must fight and compete with others to Survive
71. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must be the Best in order to Survive
72. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be the Best at surviving
73. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to ‘catch’ a man that is the best in surviving (successful, good looking, intelligent) and thus believing that by hooking up with a man like this, my chances of surviving will increase
74. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that everything within this System is based on Survival – and Survival is based on the Acceptance of
75. Separation and within that the creation of Fear of Losing Oneself to another ‘part’
76. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately design myself as ‘cool’ within the definition of cool as being ‘indifferent’ (smoking weed and self-suppression) self-sufficient and self-confident, which I never was and thus had to deny and annihilate myself being fake in order to ‘achieve’ this.
I Let go of the belief that I have to Fight to Exist
I Stop Fighting
I Let go of the Desire to be Cool
I Let go of the personality in which I am Cool
I Let go of Fear of being Exposed as uncool
I Stand by me
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to have this point cleared now so that I can share it with others – instead of taking my time to clear it effectively and sufficiently for myself. I have to go to work soon – which is cool, because then I can practice all of this. So It is not done – but I finally got it opened up.

Update on the ‘Autopilot of Social Survival’
So I went to school yesterday after I had written about the point and applied Self-Forgiveness. My main goal was to not go on ‘autopilot’ and ‘check out’ basically instead of remaining Here in Self-Honesty. It was apparently easier said that done, because already as I was getting dresses, I was following the point of ‘fitting in’ – I was saying to myself ’Wear what feels comfortable’ and yet I was trying to look a certain way, and you know, not even look a certain way – but specifically NOT look how I felt when I was 6 years old and got teased for what I wore. I think that one of the reasons why this is something that has ‘stuck’ in me, is because it was such a shock to me back then, that the world was like this, that I was like this – and so to prevent myself from ever being shocked and ambushed like that again, I have done my hardest to prevent it from happening – yet remaining ‘locked’ in that experience of being ‘off the beat’ and ‘un-cool’. So I dressed and I left and I applied Self-Forgiveness on the bike on my way there – That is something I enjoy very much and I have slowly but surely gotten over the point of Applying Self-Forgiveness in public. This might have something to do with the overall structure of my personality, but I actually find it easier to apply Self-Forgiveness in public than to sit by myself at home saying the sentences.

I got to school almost two hours too early because I had to catch up on my reading to the day’s lessons. I never finished because people kept coming and I got distracted the whole time. That was a note to myself that it is much better if I read at home. With regards to the point of the auto-pilot of social survival, I did go on it. We had to form study groups and I was anxious and nervous about it. I was afraid that no one would go into a group with me. Same starting point – ‘There is something wrong with me’. Eventually it all worked out. I got in a randomly selected group with 9 other people, mixed men, women and ages so that is actually as cool as it could possibly be. It is easy and almost ‘natural’ for me to take charge in a group – so I was playing with the point of remaining absolutely silent, not saying anything – This is something I have tried to do before in schools and other social situations, with no success. I will tell myself to shut up and two minutes later, I am chatting away. A point of justification is also that I have believed that this is really ‘who I am’ as though it is my ‘natural self-expression’. I Realize that this is part of the Survival System and even more importantly that I have feared giving it up. Okay, well that is cool – because I have reached some kind of partly conclusion on what these points consist of:

Fear of Missing Out – (Also represented in other points like Fear of Death), (also based on specific experiences from the past that I have attempted to avoid, yet which has defined me)
Fear of being alone – connected with the belief that I need other people to exist (as personality)
Fear of giving up (no losing) Personality as Survival – specifically the chatting, ironically a presence that says ‘I am Here’ – even though I am ‘Not Here’ because I am running some fucked up Survival scheme

I Allow myself to Let Go of myself as Personality
I Allow myself to Let Go of Fear
I Allow myself to Let Go of having to fit in – I Allow myself to be Self-Honest and Self-Supportive
I am not attending these classes or this job to be liked – Fuck being Liked
I Allow myself to Let Go of Fear of not being liked

I am Here to Support myself to Stand up as Life – To Stop All Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist within and as Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself within and as Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Believe that I am a System

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted myself as the thoughts and emotion in my mind and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted myself as subject to the thoughts and emotions in my mind believing that this was all I was

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself Unconditionally as Life, to Walk this Process of Stopping the Mind in Self-Trust and Self-Love

I Support me as Life

Tags: Alone, bullied, Bully, Change, Control, Embarrased, Energy, Equal, Equality, fear, Fitting in, Friends, Groups, Image, Lonliness, looks, Mind, Personality, Programming, School, Self-Confidence, Self-Honesty, Shame, Social, Survival, Teased, Thoughts, Trust
No Comments »