Feedback on the Desteni Europe meeting

July 9, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

On the 1. Of July we had our second Desteni Europe meeting, held by Jozien in Amsterdam. (The first one was in May and was held by Cenk in Hamburg.)

I arrived on the June 30. I met up with Juraj in the airport. We had never met each other before, but it was easy to spot the other baldie in the crowd and we quickly found each other and took the train to Joziens house. The night we arrived we talked a lot. Jozien and I had met on the farm in South Africa and at the first meeting, but Juraj we had not met before and we talked about his experiences and his story before coming to Desteni. The next morning the others starting arriving, a few was from Holland like Martjin, Valerie, Reginald and Alex, but there were also Joao and Joana from Portugal who lives together in London, Christophe from Belgium and on Saturday Lana came from Germany with her boyfriend Paris, who was completely new to Desteni, the material and SRA.

Initially we had planned the meetings to be focused on discussing Equal Money, funding and political agendas, but already at the first meeting it was clear that sharing and supporting each other was more in focus and especially the SRA course, which most of us attending is currently in the process of participating in. In the first meeting there was a lot of talking, where people simply buzzed around, sharing their stories and supporting each other, wherever assistance was required. So before this meeting, Jozien and I had tried to come up with a way to make the meeting more structured by coming up with themes of discussion and a method for how we would discuss – that did not exactly work, as it seemed that most people burned to simply share themselves and as the meeting progressed, we focused more on SRA and Process Support than on discussing politics.

There was however unstructured discussions going on about Equal Money, Politics and especially financial funding. It turned out that both Juraj and Paris were experienced in trading and stocks and they talked about the banking systems to the rest of us. There was also a meeting in the park with Reginald, Joao and Martijn where they specifically talked about Equal Money and Politics, while the rest of us were practicing SRA at Joziens house. We had quite a lot of practice SRA sessions, where one would be facilitated with a priority point in their life and one would facilitate, while a third took notes and assisted the facilitator. Some of them went smooth, fast and was very revealing and eye opening – I had an SRA session that was very supportive and that opened up a point for me in a way that surprised me a lot. Others did not go quite as smooth and we talked a lot about the procedures, ethics and techniques of practicing SRA.

In between these often very intense sessions and discussions, we ate, slept, did the dishes and went for walks as it was very hot outside. To me the meeting was very supportive. I got a lot of perspectives and assistance with the points I am facing and walking through, but the amount of talking and the intensity of it, was sometimes, almost too intense. Point after point after point opened up for me and the most practical way for me to deal with it, was to do practical stuff. So I cooked a lot and was surprised how easy and natural it was. I really enjoyed having my hands busy and making food for everyone, but I also started wondering about this, as this ‘housewife’ syndrome is something I’ve been facing for a long time. What is so odd, with something like this, is that it has been contradicting how I have seen and experienced myself. I used to hate cooking and never did it if I did not have to, but it has been laying latently waiting to be activated and when Jozien said that I was in the nest-making age, it made sense to me. It is strange how I’ve believed I could fight my programming or copying of my mother, only to discover that this behavior has creeped up on me in a most surprising way – that I cook, because I enjoy doing it. For a lot of people, including myself, the main points that opened up during the meeting, was related to sex and abuse – many of us had different experience with sexuality and abuse and it was cool to share our experiences so openly. I am not sure how that became the main point for so many of us, but it was interesting to see that each one had their own story and experiences wherein sex, abuse and money had played a significant role. Emotions were released, tears were shed and several points came to closure or simply opening up. A point of secret desire opened up for me and I was shocked how easily it had been triggered and it was only when Martijn asked if I had forgiven the desire, that I realized that I had been secretively holding on to it, not having been willing to let go. That was quite a revelation and cool to finally face.

The meeting ended on Sunday and we talked about when the next meeting was going to be. Jozien said that she would host on a regular basis, but that every two months might be too much. So we will see when and where in Europe the next meeting will be. The people attending the first meeting and this one was quite a different group although there were also some people attending both. But at both meetings there were people who were completely or relatively new to Desteni.

A lot of us had also never met before in person, so I am looking forward to seeing everyone next time, being able to go deeper into the points of Support and working with SRA as well as maybe structuring the meetings more in specific directions. I do however find it very cool that we’re able to have people coming who are new to the material and that they after having been to the meeting have decided to ‘enlist’ for SRA training. Either way, I am grateful for the meeting and for seeing everyone there. It is an amazing environment to test yourself in, especially if you as I, live alone and don’t see many people on a daily basis or if you are alone in your process most of the time. We were able to face conflicts and matters that would have been taboo in other social gatherings in a way that was very supportive for everyone there. I got so much support to go home with and I look forward to many more meetings.

Tags: 1, Desteni, Desteni Material, Europe, independence, My Life with..., Process, relationship, self trust, self-accept, self-acceptance, self-empowerment, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness, Self-Transformation, SRA, Structural Resonance Alignment, transformation
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Like a dear caught in the Headlights

April 27, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

This title is probably the most precise way to describe how I have experienced myself the last month or so. Like a dear caught in the headlights, stiff, alert, ready to run for a safe place to hide. I experience myself in this state of ‘freeze’, not moving, standing absolutely still not be seen, heard – caught. I stopped smoking the 1. February. Started again 21 days after, smoking for 3 days, had massive headaches every time i smoked, stopped again for aproximately a month. Meanwhile I started on what I have called a diet, but what was not supposed to be a diet, because it was ultimately about me doing something for myself for the first time in my life, about me supporting me, as life, Here, The Physical – I even started exercising, which was not part of the original plan, but which made sense as i started to lose weight. Then slowly but surely I unwinded myself, recreated the cocoon of apereant ‘comfort’ and ‘safety’ that I had found in this self-abuse disguised as ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’ – (poor me, I deserve a cookie, I can’t stop eating cookies, poor me). As I have looked at what really happened, my ‘rational’ explaination has been that I had made it about someone else – because as soon as I was not in the company of those that had pushed and supported me directly within this, I crawled back into my hidingplace, behind weight, food and cigarettes. Since I have been struggling with moral scruples and inner fights and debates. But what I have done in fact, is that I have let the thoughts, the addiction, the fear – take over. Making it about someone else having taken responsiblity for it and clamining myself to weak to Stand on my own two feet, is yet another way of attemptying to shift responsiblity. Because the matter of the fact is that what I was doing – was in fact working. I was becoming stronger, could see more clearly and began actually caring for myself in fact. What I however experiecned was that the emotions that came with the withdrawl, was too much for me to handle. What I have found absurd and still do, is that I had all the tools available to deal with my experiences – maybe as Breath, Breathing through the point, as I have done before and as I have witnessed other do first hand – simply not participating, not accepting myself as that thought, as that emotion – and breathing it through until it disapates. I found myself unable to do that. And I have wondered how the emotions was like the child screaming, because it cannot get what it wants and would have eventually capitualted, except that I gave in, again and again, because I could not bear the sound of the screams of dissatiscfaction. So I started smoking again, first one cigarette, then two, then hiding it from the people around me – which I then discovered has always been a part of the Addiction signature, that it is kept alive by hiding it, by playing myself up against other people in my mind – as though they were the ones responsible for me having made this decision for myself. Then I gave into it, and I smoked a pack in a couple of hours, ate a whole back of cookes, got a massive head ache and stomach cramps in returned – yet continued the next day, as though nothing had happened. Then I stopped smoking for a day or two, but it was constantly on my mind, lurking, calling and once I said ‘yes okay’ in ‘mercy’ to one thought, the next followed and then the next and before I knew it – I was back. All the weight I had lost, I had regained. It was almost as If I have not been able to handle actually being capable of doing something on my own and it actually worked! I don’t think two months is enough to change a habit and addiction like this one. Obviously it depends on what is invested, believed and accepted about the addiction – but for me, having smoked for 16 years, since I was 12, having used cigarettes as a point of stability, familiarity, safety, power, control and utlimately as a tool to suppress everything of myself that I did not want to see or face – it might take more than two months, before the emotional chaos and the anxiety that comes with the withdrawl disapeates. But I did not stay patient or on track. I have been so used to making idealistic agreements with myself, then breaking them, laying low for a while in shame and then coming up with a new idealistic fantasy – that part was easy. I have realized a lot about myself the last few weeks that has been mildly put apaling – a roundtrip to the core of self-interest, self-pity and loathing, self-deception and abuse, to find out – that I have never actually dedicated myself to anything real in this world, I have never disciplined myself to walk through something difficult or uncomfortable. Instead I have searched the backdoors and short cuts that would make my path as easy and painless as possible – Not knowing that the easiest path is actually the longest route, because no matter what I do or where I go – I always end up Here.

In terms of this blog and series about Transformation, which is another way I have rushed ahead of myself in an attempt to prove myself worthty and in this case, of actually having changed and stood up – I will keep writing. I have not written anything lately because I was ashamed, I was as the dear caught in the headlights and I wanted to present myself only once I again had success with my process of transformation – Instead of Realizing that this, what I am experiencing now is a part of the Process and as I Fall – I Stand up again.

Tags: addictions, anxiety, attractive, body, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, diet, drugs, emotions, fat, fear, food, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, transformation, weight, weightloss, withdrawal
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Addiction 101 – When Food is not just Food

March 14, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

It started with a piece of cheese.

Yesterday as I woke up, I was going to eat breakfast. I ‘asked my body’ what it wanted and the ‘reply’ I got was ‘cheese’. See I ‘love’ cheese, and I always got a stomach ache from eating rich cheeses and dairy products such as ice cream, so it was like a specific point and example of self-abuse and self-interest, where I ate cheese even though it gave me a stomach pain, with the justification that I was allowed to, because it is my body and I decide what I do with it and it is only a little cheese and it tastes so good that I just can’t help myself. This whole thing fast becomes complicated and a whole world in itself – because besides being type A blood type and therefore being predisposed of not processing dairy very well, in addition I was lactose intolerant as a child, supposedly because my mother, who gave birth to me at the age of 42, ‘ran out’ of breast milk when I was an infant. So I did not eat or drink anything containing dairy until I was 12 and she decided to test out if I was still intolerant. Up until then I only had access to dairy when I sneaked my way to it. So I would eat ice cream at a birthday party without my mother knowing it, and two hours later break out with hives all over my body. Or I would steal a big chunk of cheese from the fridge and keep it hidden so I could eat from it when I wanted to. So it is sufficient to say that cheese has a special place in my heart. I am telling this story to share how easy it is to dilute oneself into believing something is an act of innocence – when in fact a lot of manipulation and deception has gone into it. After what happened yesterday, I am pretty sure that it was not by body claiming that it required cheese and that it was a thought that I interpreted as the body speaking, so that I could justify for myself eating cheese. Anyway, I ate the cheese, just a little bit I told myself. With two pieces of dried toast. Afterwards I got a stomach ache, almost as on schedule, maybe because I felt guilty or for making a big deal out of it – What is really interesting is what happened following the ‘cheese incident’ the rest of the day yesterday and today as well. I experienced the most difficult day so far of keeping my diet, not overeat and not eat from desire for taste, memory and so on. I started making excuses and stepped over the boundaries I have set for myself. In return I felt guilty and my body felt very uncomfortable, heavy and aching. Today I have even considered smoking a cigarette. Last time I did that , it did not take me many hours before I did smoke the cigarette and soon after that was back on my 20 + a day. So I haven’t and I noted this for myself as I had the thought. It all started with me allowing myself to eat a piece of cheese and it has obviously very little to do with the cheese itself. It has to do with who I was in that moment. The day before yesterday I experienced a release and I trusted myself, to simply eat, instead of having to restrict myself according to specific rules and so I expected that I would be able to do the same the following day. It was almost like an arrogant moment of believing that I now have full control over my actions. Because I clearly don’t. And it is not because I am not able to Direct myself in the moment – it is because I have been living this for so long, for so many years that I have created myself around it, I have created a relationship to food, to eating, to smoking, to consuming that is not based on nurturing my body, but on satisfying ideas of satisfaction, of taming and obeying fear and desires – of everything else than being Here. And this is not the first time I have experienced this – and I am not the only one who has experienced this. It is a classical fall for addicts. Once you are over the worst Jonesing, which is mostly physical uncomfortability where you have to simply focus on not consuming your drug of choice, it suddenly becomes more easy, like a breathing space, where things are going well. The thing that I have experienced in stopping addictions and cravings, is that after a while, I get used to this ‘new way of living’ – it is suddenly not new anymore. I do not have to push myself to keep the diet or to not smoke. It is simply a matter of not doing it. For many people, this is where they fall in. When I stopped smoking the first time, I started again after 21 days. All it took was one thought, that I diluted myself to believe was innocent. ‘I’ll just have one cigarette’. So this is the point, where I cannot expect anything of myself. It is still a matter of moment to moment Self-Honesty. And this, by catching myself doing this, by slowing down, not judging and actually seeing what it is I am doing – I can flag all of these possible ‘pits’ for myself, so that I do not have to fall on my ass every couple of days, just to pick myself up again. Why was it the cheese that made me break the deal? Because cheese in my book is not just cheese. It is a symbol within my mind of how I treat myself with something that I am deprived from, a speciality , a luxury, where I am independent and do what is Best for me – Only that is how I created it in my delusion as a child, because it is not what is best for me – it is self-abuse and I did it, because I believed I was treated unfair, that there was something wrong with me, that I was punished because I was not allowed to eat what I wanted to. So it has become a symbol, twisted and distorted, no longer with any relation to what it actually consist of and what is Common Sense. This is how we fuck with ourselves. How we walk into, defend and justify situations and experiences, that is not best for us and certainly not what is Best for All.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, coffee, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, looks, rehab, self trust, self-accept, self-acceptance, smoking, standing up, transformation, ugly, ugly duckling, weight, weightloss
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Flag it, Tag it, Bag it!

March 11, 2010 in Uncategorized

This is a method I am developing within myself after having heard an interview in relation to the Structural Resonance Alignment Course, where a couple in an Agreement called Marlen & Jorn (who lives here on the farm) had a Discussion with there Resonances. In the interview they talked about how Marlen and Jorn was very effective when they saw a point in themselves or with each other that required a correction, to move straight to the corrective application and change immediately. I found this very interesting and have been working with it ever since, because I was coming from an idea/acceptance that there was a ‘process’ to go through with everything, like first you write and then you do self-forgiveness and then… but even within that it was based on ‘the right thing to do’ – as in Separation of me Here, and not as Simplistic Common Sense. Because when I looked at it, with a lot of points I did see straight and clearly what I was doing – yet I wasn’t stopping or changing me.

Then I developed this method for myslef, which I am still busy applying – I call it:

‘Flag it, Tag it, Bag it!’

The idea is very simple: When you see a point, a pattern, a thought or whatever wherein you are limiting/accepting yourself within an as a mind-construct and it is clear to you; ‘oh, okay, this is what I am doing, because I believed that and that is how I created/accepted myself within and as it’

FLAG IT! Here you can write down situations, trigger points, events where this plays out. That is where you within yourself place a ‘flag’ so that you will notice when it happens again.

TAG IT! Now you have identified the point, so now you walk. You tag it, by being aware of your flag points, by noticing when you get trigger, when you reacted. and you follow the line. Now you got yourself on a hook and line. No way of getting out now, cause you saw it and by tagging yourself within it, saying to yourself ‘whop, there i went again’. You keep the point Here for you to deal with.

BAG IT! This is simply the process of letting go/stopping/not participating in the point/pattern/thought/reaction. What and however you can stop, is cool. For me Physical Action is the most effective. For others it might be saying ‘Stop’ inside or out loud. Whatever works for you, you do it. Try different methods and be aware that because this is something you are doing for you and because you are dealing with points that you’ve created and accepted within and as you as real, as who you are – you are the only one that can stop yourself. Therefore no one can tell you how to Stop.

From there you simply walk. Next time Stop again. Next point: Flag it, Tag it, Bag it! And so slowly but surely, we disengage ourselves from all these conditioned and predisposed ways of existing – in separation with and to what is Really Here – With ourselves. To me it has been a key that the point is to keep going. That means that we will make mistakes. But it is then and there that we push ourselves, pick ourselves up again and keep walking.

For more information about the Structural Resonance Alignment Course visit: www.Desteni.co.za

Here is the link to the interview/discussion with Marlen and Jorn and their Resonances.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1WZ54iCmoc

Tags: addictions, anxiety, behavior, body, Change, color, dependency, emotions, love, Mental World, Patterns, relationship, self, self trust, self-accept, Self-Transformation, Thoughts
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Becoming the Living Example of Change

March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

My change in lifestyle aka ‘The Diet’ ( means a way of Life in Latin) is not only about not smoking and eating differently. It is about changing myself and my body, from having existed in self-abuse and self-negligence to actually begin expressing and appreciating myself. The Abuse that Exists in this world, the Negligence that Exist in this world, the Inconsideration that Exist in this World – is the same Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration that have Existed in me. And as I clearly See and Understand that it is not an Acceptable way of Living, when I look at the World and the outflow of this Acceptance – I have had difficulty in applying it in/for and as myself. And therefore I have also not been able to Support anyone else, let alone Stand up from within it – because I was still Living it. I was still Accepting Self-Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration as a ‘Way of Life’, in the World as in myself. Therefore this Process is not about losing weight, becoming skinny, pretty, attractive or to gain recognition from someone else. Unfortunately I still see the signs of it in me, (as I have judged it, instead of recognizing it for what it is) as I look into the mirror and enjoyed the fact that I have lost weight or when others comment on it. But I also know that if that was the only reason, I would not be able to do it for long – It would be conditioned and I would not be doing it for me, thus it would just be another way of Abusing myself. But these elements are still ‘there’ – the self-abuse that I have existed within and as, is still there. It is not like just because I made the decision to Stand up – that it is automatically going to happen and I can lean back and enjoy the ride. No – This is something, where I have to watch my every step. There are lots of possible blind spots, where I can dilute myself into Self-Abuse again, and as I have found, it is a matter of consistently, stubbornly and gently to push myself every time it happens. Instead of judging myself, when I fail, lie or make mistakes – I can push myself to Correct and Stand. Because I have made the decision. And I am doing this for me. Because I have never ever done anything for myself in my entire life. And yet, as always, it is all in reverse. Everything I have done and participated within, has been from a starting-point of getting others to see me, to notice me, to appreciate me and accept me. That is Self-Interest. That is being diluted and lost in my own bubble of perceived and self-Accepted inferiority – where all I care about is the energy of someone looking at me, smiling, complimenting me. And everything I do is like an addict hungry for a fix, to get that dose of energy. This is also something that I have not completely stopped. But I see it when it happens and most times I go: “damn, I did it again.” – But I have Realized that it requires my dedication and consistency to ‘make it stop’ – just as it required my active participation in ‘making it start’ – Because I am that which is invested in this mess.
This is how we become Living Examples – We Walk, One Step at the Time. But it cannot be done in dishonesty – we will know it. Living means actually changing Everything, not as an idea or a theory or a wish – but an Active, Actual Change. To do this, it has been extremely assisting for me to have a Physical ‘Marker’ as for example shaving, not smoking, eating, drinking, having sex etc. Because it is in those moments that we see who we are – How do we Act? How do we Respond? What makes us React? And then We Change – and next time it happens, we Change again… until there is nothing left and we are Simply Here.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, boyfriends, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, depression, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, independence, integrity, looks, losing weight, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, sex, transformation, weightloss
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Fear of Death, Pain and Insanity vs. Animal Abuse

March 8, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I have for a long time feared death, the afterlife, going to the Dimensions or whatever it is there is ‘on the other side’ – which i in my current understanding, I understand as the sum of what I have accepted myself as – similar to what anonymous describes in the ‘Death of Me’ videos, trapped in an infinite mind-fuck that only ends when I stop myself, because I had created the mind-fuck in the first place. But wait… is that not what I’ve already done? Is that not what i’m already going through/experiencing? Emotional pain, insanity, delusion based on beliefs, ideas, knowledge and information? And if that is so, then the Solution then is the same as the Solution now – To Breathe, Stand Stable within myself Here. Then I watched the Earthlings movie and I Realized that what I have feared about being in the Dimensions, insanity, infinite pain, darkness, agony, screams, no way out – is exactly what animals here on Earth are experiencing. I mean, the only relief they have is Death. But for example with veil, where they are basically tortured from the moment of birth till they die – that is their total experience. I have no knowledge or awareness about animals sense of time, but to exist your whole life in pain, is too long, no matter how short or long that life is. That is the Real pain, that is the fruit of our labor so to speak. And since Everything is in Everything, even though we have conveniently shut ourselves out from having to experience the pain of these animals as an example, it is Here – it is experienced. And it is within us, even though we do not experience it consciously.
It seems that our emotional pain and despair has some sense of connection to this abdication of Responsibility and Consideration for each other as Life – that we know deep down that it could be us, that it is us – that we have created Hell and now we have to Live in it and thus we’ll do anything to keep ourselves to finding out – which is impossible, because we are Here. There are so many points, where we keep this system going and we are not even aware that we are doing it – that is how it’s been designed to keep going. It is absurd and cruel, but it was what we created – and what we have Accepted ourselves as.

What I also have Realized within this – is that I do not wish this to continue. I do not wish for anything or anyone to Suffer. At this point, my understand is not very expansive as I Realize how I have Accepted and Lived myself within Limitation and Diminishment. But what I do understand is that if I was that animal I would say: “Fuck your feelings” – “Fuck your emotional pain and self-pity”, “I don’t need you to feel sorry for me” – “All I want is for it to End.

Please find a way to make it Stop!”

Tags: abuse, animals, antidepressives, anxiety, death, existance, fear, loss, pain, self-accept, torture, transformation, world
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Physical Transformation – Inner Change – Everything Changes

March 4, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

Why am I doing this?
(Secret Mind) Looks – attractability = success
Physical condition – optimal use of the body
Self-Respect, Integrity, Acceptance – for the first time in my life doing something just for me – to be comfortable alone with me, in my own skin.

The body not only reflects but also contains all that we have ever participated in, accepted and allowed, thoughts, emotions, memories. As we walk through our day, we are constantly triggered and influenced through images, smells, sounds and feelings that correspond with a memory we have already stored in our bodies. Because of this, and because we Accept and believe that our mind, as thinking and feeling, is really who we are, we are not able to Exist Equal with and as the Physical body. My goal is to empty myself from everything I have ever identified as myself, which specifically means stopping and not participating in thoughts and emotions, which is what keeps the mind going and these self-acceptances with it.
Throughout my life I have allowed a lot of self-hate and judgment within me. Because of that my body has become an outer reflection of my ‘inner’ acceptance of myself. But not only that – Everything I have accepted myself as, is still a part of me and will be able to be seen by others in how I walk, speak and move. So even if I do stop thoughts of self-hate for example, and I begin a process of self-acceptance, the imprint of what I have accepted, is still who I am, because I have not changed myself physically, actually.
As I started my process of letting go of addictions and attachments and in that brought up suppressed emotions and feelings, I have cared mostly about the weight I would be losing. I have been exited about seeing and feeling my body changing – but also with a hidden experience of what I will be able to achieve once I have the body I want.
This is a major point for all women and one that has to be addressed immediately – because it has to be clear to us, that we are doing this for ourselves – to regain self-power, self-will, self-trust and self-acceptance and not to get a man to provide those things for us.
So within this, within the process of changing my body and how I experience, interact and move my body, I also begin a process of ‘inner’ transformation, where I allow myself to Accept myself, to Trust myself and through that Will and Empower myself to walk this through.
I do not know how long I am going to be eating like this. At the moment it feels like I am on a deprivation diet. I am on a deprivation diet, because I have placed the intake of substance as something that was more than me, as something I required to be able to exist and cope with myself.