relationship - Anna's Journey to Life

For Better or Worse: DAY 199

April 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

The reason why I started writing about relationships and making videos about relationships was because of the vast amount of points that I saw coming up in my own relationship – in particular all the characters and personalities and reactions creeping out from any nook and cranny in my mind. In many ways it is like becoming a monster or realizing that one had been occupied by an alien invasion because having gone from being a seemingly ‘civilized’ person, suddenly one is displaying one dysfunctional feature after another. And obviously we learn all of this at home, through seeing our parents and how they interact as well as seeing adults in general interrelate not to mention how we ‘perfect’ the insanity while growing up.

In most of the relationships that I’ve had so far I simply walked out when the insanity started peeking out and I never ever stayed and try to salvage the relationship. I simply switched off the ‘love button’ and happily moved onto to another adventure in the hopes that this new partner would be comprised of such a chemical composition of personality and temper that simply being with them would immediately cure any insanity or ‘hole’ I had within me. I literally believed that my only problem was simply not finding the ‘right one’ and that once I did, I would magically turn into the perfect woman – simply by being in my partner’s presence. Obviously that never worked out and I blamed my partners.

So now I am here in a relationship that is by no means perfect and I am acutely aware that I am responsible for any imperfections that my relationship may endure, because the relationship consist of me and my partner and I’m bringing everything I’ve ever been into this partnership and I am asking the partnership to deal with my insanity – because when you live with someone day in and day out for several years, at some point you just can’t keep the floodgates shut anymore and the ‘real you’ starts seeping through. And this is what has happened to me. I’ve quite successfully managed to hide myself in all my relationships – including friendships and to some extent family relationships. Because I could always just leave and move and go home to myself and be alone. Now I can’t do that anymore.

And when it is suggested by Desteni to prepare oneself absolutely before entering into an agreement – it is no joke. I wasn’t prepared – and it was not so much not being prepared to live with another or to even be faced with another’s ‘demons’. It was my own demons that I wasn’t prepared for, the demons that oddly enough only come out in relationships – even in my life alone with myself they didn’t come out. Because I had made myself ‘civilized’ and ‘functional’ through suppressing all sides of myself that I did not consider ‘good’. Or I would simply go home and hide under the covers.

To clarify: the ‘bad’ I am talking about here is for example all the little tricks we learn in relationships, emotional blackmail, self-pity, seduction, sweet-talking, blame, projection, judgment, sarcasm, parenting, policing, victimization, dependency, co-dependency, self-sabotage, addiction, justifications, lying, cheating ….. you name it. And each person has their own spin on these relationship ‘games’ that we’ve learned, each person has created their own approach to surviving in relationships with other human beings.

The difference is that I am walking this relationship as a Destonian and my partner happens to be a Destonian. As such we are walking an Agreement. The agreement is that we will walk together in sorting ourselves out. It is in no way romantic or beautiful or necessarily harmonic – and why not? Because I am not. In the context of this discussion it also doesn’t matter whether my partner is walking with Desteni or not, because I would have been confronted with my own demons either way – simply by being together with someone for that long.

The point that I am facing is that I wasn’t prepared when I entered into this relationship. As such I hadn’t established a stable foundation of walking my own process before expanding myself to walk with another and face what may come through that. A lot of things have developed already and I’ve perfected myself through walking with a partner, however the relationship ‘demon’ still rears its head – and it has many, many heads. Like I said, even in being alone I had kept these parts of myself hidden from myself through creating some fake form of civilization. Many people can probably relate to how otherwise these ‘demons’ only come out in what would appear as random moments, in traffic or when dealing with bureaucracy over the phone. It doesn’t happen very often – but in a relationship it does, because it is like one’s buttons are constantly being pushed.

So I will continue walking this process in these blogs and in the videos and I will continue focusing on the most prominent ‘demonic’ relationship experiences that I see is prohibiting me from actually embracing myself and embracing an agreement with another. I mean, I am starting here from scratch. Everything I know about being in a relationship are things that serves no purpose in a living agreement where two beings come together to support one another to become one’s full potential.

The whole point of being in a relationship was from the beginning that I thought that the other person was supposed to be like an anti-dote to the venom I believed to have inside me – but what I am realizing is that it is more like the relationship is showing me that I need to be my own anti-dote. Oddly enough the relationship is showing me that I can’t run from myself or escape the consequences of whom and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become. It is giving me the opportunity to face all parts of myself and first and foremost those parts that are not best for all life – so that I can in fact change myself and become a human being that I would want to live with and as, for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to face myself through an agreement with another and I would not trade the shitstorm of facing my own demons with the dull life of deception in blissful self-containment and suppression. At least the shit is in my face. That means that I can deal with it, wipe myself clean and actually give myself a fresh start.

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Tags: Demon, Desteni, Family, Forgiveness, Human, Intimate relationship, marriage counsling, marriage problems, relationship, relationship advice, Relationship problems
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Does Being Hard on Myself make me a Good Person? DAY 191

March 21, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

We are continuing with the relationship series from where we left off in the previous post where we further distinguished how to bring a point of desire one has towards a partner, back to oneself. So as I’ve mentioned in the previous posts, I’ve had a very intense desire to ‘be a team’ with my partner and for my partner to ‘help’ and ‘support’ me. Something that I’ve mentioned and that is quite revealing is that this desire has been present in all my relationships – so when I say ‘my partner’ it is not even a specific person, but more an archetypical partner – because the common denominator in my relationships is: me. So when I brought this desire back to myself – meaning, when I looked at: “Where am I living this in myself?” I found that I’ve actually being living and walking explicitly ‘against’ myself instead of walking for/with myself and it is as such that the desire for ‘teamwork’ and ‘being supported’ has emerged – because I wasn’t giving it to myself and I was separating myself from myself as the origin of my own experiences and as such I projected this ‘lack’ onto another, outside of me and thus separate from me, not unlike an (e)scape-goat.

So in my last post I started asking myself some questions to get more into depth with the point of walking/living against myself as I have applied self-forgiveness but I’ve found that the point was not yet specifically laid out as this point of walking against myself is quite vast in terms of how I’ve lived it throughout my life. So in this post we will walk each of the questions in more detail and accordingly bring them to self-forgiveness and self-correction so that I can stop looking for fulfillment and acceptance outside myself and instead stand as the source and origin of myself in full responsibility.

Here are the previous posts in the series for further context of what I’ll be walking in this blog post:

The first question I will be looking at is the following:

As Who/how am I not living self-help?

So when I want my partner to help me and I think that he’s not helping me enough, it is with a distinct experience that he should be more considerate and catering to my needs. Within this I’ve also found a distinct female personality point because in some cases where my partner does not help me are with such points where I’ve defined it as ‘natural’ that the male in a relationship does this thing, like fixing things or carrying heavy things. And so when my partner does not help me with that, I’m actually being confronted with my own self-imposed limitation that is most often not founded in practicality. So that’s quite interesting. Because what I’ve found in many of these situations is that I was asking for help because I was strategically placing myself in the position of the ‘damsel in distress’ to generate some relationship dynamic of feeling frail and fragile so that the man could be the savior of the day. And so what I’ve experienced in these situations if my partner does not help me, is that I can’t live out my ‘role’ and I’ve felt insecure as to whether he really loved me, because this dynamic between males and females is one I’ve defined as very positive and so when he did not help me, I took it as a sign of how little I was worth to him – all the while he was actually in many cases saying: “you can do it yourself.” So I’ve actually discovered self-proficiency and don’t often step into this trap anymore. I simply do things myself until I simply can’t and require assistance. So that is one dynamic of asking for help – but the other one is where I believe that he should help me and know when to help me and he should want to help me out of the ‘goodness of his heart’ and in that care for me.

So that’s what I’ll be looking at in terms of bringing it back to myself.

As I walk my day, I am generally quite hard on myself, very self-critical and have this Idea that I must constantly push myself not to slack. And I do have a tendency to slack. But the ‘pushing’ is not really helping, quite the contrary. So it’s the classic story of the child being raised by a strict and merciless parent, who starts doing bad stuff in secret, to not get caught and be reprimanded.

So within this, I have basically lived as two different people inside the same body, where the one has been the ‘bad side’ where I’d act in urges to for example slack or overindulge or judge others. And the other is the ‘good side’ that is then like a morally superior overlord (I’ve written about this before) that has total prerogative to judge the first personality. And you know what? I’ve played this out in my relationship with others as well. So if I have a look at my inner dynamic in context to the point, it is not unlike being two people inside myself.

And the reason why I’ve not simply stopped being hard on myself is because I’ve liked being hard on myself. I feel better about myself when I am hard on myself. I feel more moral and thus morally superior when I am hard on myself. And within this I see that I’ve developed a personality believing that I must contain, restrain and censor myself because the ‘real me’ is ‘evil’ and ‘bad’ and ‘immoral’. What is interesting is that the latter is not untrue, but it is the way I’ve handled myself that has been ineffective. A proper solution would thus be to take myself in the hand and walk myself unconditionally to a correction and realignment of these parts and aspects of myself where I for example slack – which is something I’ve been doing increasingly over the last couple of months, meaning taking myself in the hand to change. However I see an imperative for sure in walking the point of being deliberately hard on myself and letting go of that because it certainly does not fulfill a practical purpose in terms of me supporting myself.

Something I find quite interesting is that I did not grow up with overly strict parents or teachers at all. In fact I found them quite soft and often too soft in how they would merely let it be up to me to make decisions. I also remember that my mom tried being strict but it did’nt really work. So in looking at where this point of being deliberately hard on myself comes from, all that I can see is that it’s a decision I’ve taken when I was a teenager where I decided to ‘get my shit together’ but really I was reacting and judging myself and I was scared of the possible consequences if I continued my reckless behavior. And I see how I made this decision to be hard on myself as a precaution in the fuzzy logic that “If I am hard on myself first, others can’t be and that’s better – at least I am in control.” Obviously I can see now that this makes no sense.

So I don’t help or support myself and I am not on a team with myself because I believe that I need to and have to be against myself in order to control and contain myself based on a judgment and belief that I am evil and bad and that this is the way to deal with it. The result has not being that I’ve stopped slacking for example, but that I’ve instead started hiding from myself even more to avoid my own scrutiny and self-judgment – it’s quite fucked up. So I am now certain that being hard on myself serves no practical purpose because it doesn’t work the way it was intended. Therefore I will here walk a process through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to release myself from this particular pattern and personality-aspect.

I will go up to here for now because I have to go to work – so in my next post I will continue with self-forgiveness statements.

Does Being Hard on Myself make me a Good Person? DAY 191

Tags: Base on balls, Damsel in distress, Forgiveness, Health, Intimate relationship, Mental health, relationship, Self-Help
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The Gift of Projection is a Self-Honest Mirror: 157

December 21, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

The last couple of days I have been writing my blogs by myself without publishing them. The point of self-forgiveness I will be sharing here is about reacting to something in another that is in fact about myself. I have continued and I will continue focusing on the point of accepting what comes up within and as the mind as real because that is an important point in terms of making the distinction and accordingly direct oneself to not participate in the thoughts, backchats and experiences that comes up. I also have and will continue to focus on the point of participation and who I am within how I participate in my world and my reality because that is definitely a primary point I am facing. So both of these points are integrated into and considered in the self-forgiveness I share here.

I am continuing from the following posts:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a constant experience of anger towards another for not taking care of practical things the way that I see they should do so and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame and fear another for what I perceive as them being egotistical

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully integrate within to and as myself the understanding that when I react I am seeing myself and therefore when I react to what I perceive my another doing, I am actually reflecting my own relationship with myself onto another where I am the one that is egotistical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny the fact that specific actions I take and points I allow to exist within and as me is self-interested and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself in and as those points as though it doesn’t exist and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subsequently project who I am onto another as representing outside and separate from me and then go into an entire time loop of blaming and judging and being angry at them when in fact it is myself I am angry at

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and judge and blame myself for what I perceive as me being egotistical instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only be angry at myself if I am in separation with myself, meaning that one part of me is looking at another part of me – because otherwise, I would simply see the point of self-compromise, abuse and deception and immediately move myself to self-correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately move myself to self-correction and that I have instead bullied myself and bullied my another and been angry at myself within and as expecting more of myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I already know/knew that who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become in/as/through my abdication of myself to the mind and therefore when I see who I am in and as self-interest, it should not surprise me or bring me to judge myself because I already knew that this was who/what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become and thus the fact that I get angry at myself is showing me that I either have had expectations to myself that were self-delusional/deceptive in terms of denying who I’ve become as the mind and/OR that I am actually well aware of what I am doing and thus compromising myself deliberately in self-abdication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger, self-judgment and blame to deliberately manipulate myself and distract myself from actually doing what is required to be done within and as moving myself immediately to a point of correction and change where I through this emotional reaction take what I do personally as though ‘this is not who I am’ or ‘this is not whom I’m supposed to be’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that who and what I am in and as self-interest is exactly whom I’ve been since I abdicated myself to the mind and therefore I can’t really expect myself to be something else and as such I see how I’ve blown the point out of proportion in terms of deceiving myself into believing that I am a good and righteous human being

I see, realize and understand that I can only change myself through embracing myself in saying: “this is what is, this is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so be it – now I’ll change.” Meaning that it is not complicated – it is simply a matter of recognizing and accepting that this is so and then change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I get angry at myself because I am in and as self-deception and where the recognition of who I am in and as self-interest is seeing as ‘tainting’ towards my ‘self-righteous self’ meaning that part where I am pretending like I am not existing in self-interest SO that I can live in self-interest without standing responsible for the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and to blame, judge and recent myself because I know that what I am accepting and allowing – in terms of not applying myself to the fullest of my capabilities – is not best for all not seeing, realizing or understanding that within and as judging, blaming and being angry at myself I am also tacitly implying and accepting that ‘this is who I am’ and that ‘I can’t change’ instead of simply and immediately as I see what it is I am accepting and allowing to be honest with/within/as myself and move to and within the simplicity of applying corrective action in terms of writing, self-forgiveness and directively changing my behavior through breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept ‘who I am’ within and as my participation in self-interest and deliberately not applying myself to the fullest of my potential and capabilities specifically through separating myself from myself and as such hiding from and within myself thus creating an internal conflict because I am living on a lie pretending that I am something that I am not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny myself as how and as who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in terms of deliberately not applying myself to the fullest of my potential in making excuses and justifications and deceive myself to justify acting in self-honesty – so that I don’t have to face myself in self-honesty and so that I don’t have to stand accountable or self-responsible and so I don’t have to face the consequences and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that there is no way to escape consequences and suppressing oneself with only make a point grow in the shadows without one’s control because one has abdicated oneself to the point in refusing to take self-responsibility for oneself in and as it and have therefore made oneself less than the point which gives the point power over oneself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-control and direction to self-interest and backchat and desire for stimulation and fear through abdicating my self-responsibility for myself as that desires and fear and as such making myself less than the desire and fear thus giving it control over me and as me making it my directive principle and thus making myself a slave to fear and desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason why I have lived in self-interest and why I have not applied myself to the fullest of my potential, is because that is what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and because I separated myself from myself as the creator of myself and abdicated self-responsibility for accepting and allowing myself to live in self-interest, I made myself powerless towards self-interest and gave self-interest a ‘life of its own’ in spite of the fact that it was always just me here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that there is no practical, physical, common-sensical reason for me and that it is not normal to live according to self-interest as fear and desire where I am only directing myself according to the experiences and thoughts that comes up within me and where I’ve got absolutely no self-directive will or principled application as this way of living and this self that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to become is abusive and delusional and is destructive towards life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry, frustrated and to blame and judge another for what I perceive as them being egotistical and inconsiderate as acting in self-interest within and towards practical reality when in fact what I am doing is mirroring myself onto them as a reflected projection because if I were truly seeing who they were within and as their participation I would see them as an equal and I would be able to support them as an equal, but since I am taking their actions personally in creating a personal interpretation of their actions and intents and motives, what I am seeing and experiencing has nothing to do with the other person and only with myself as that which I am showing myself through the reflection I am projecting onto the other person

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The Gift of Projection is a Self Honest Mirror: 157

Tags: Anger, Bernard Poolman, Blame, Day 21, Desteni, Desteni I Process, Equal Money System, Experience, Forgiveness, Mind, Perception, relationship
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The ‘Relationship-Chameleon’ Personality: DAY 21-22

May 9, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

A couple of days ago, I suggested to my partner that we watch South Park. While we were watching and I was laughing, I suddenly realized that I don’t even like South Park. Now, what is interesting is that I most often am the one that suggest that we watch it. So why do I suggest that we watch something that I don’t even enjoy watching?

The event made me look back at my relationships wherein I would align myself to the specific likes of my partner. One partner liked jazz, another was into ska so I adjusted myself to liking jazz and ska; another liked watching The Daily Show, so I aligned myself to watch The Daily Show. Even years after we had broken up I would still watch it, until I one day realized that I did not even enjoy it.

Then today my partner asked me for something, where my self-honest answer was to say “no” but I went into an automatic conflict within experiencing that it is my obligation to say “yes” – no matter what and if I say “no” I feel guilty and would thus rather say “yes” so to not have to experience myself like a shitty person. So as I was going into a conflict with myself, I went into a conflict with my partner, in saying no but still saying yes and saying yes but still saying no. My partner let the point go and “let me have it” (= win) and I was clearly resisting because I experienced a fear of loss. After he had given it up, I kept asking him if it was okay and said that I could give in if it was required and tried coming up with a solution where we both could be satisfied. But he stood fast and I stood facing myself. So what I realized was that because of the experience that I had to say yes, I could not even consider the point in common sense. It was only because my partner “gave it up” that I could stop up, not experiencing the guilt or the conflict and considers the point in common sense, which was that I was experiencing fear of loss and that the best would be if I did in fact give it up myself realizing that there I not really anything to lose. And I realized that this was yet another aspect of this pattern of believing that I MUST adjust myself to my partner’s wishes, yet being in complete conflict with myself about it, because I have to compromise myself to do so and as such create a conflict towards my partner and compromise my partner.

But with the South Park point and all the other interests through the years that I have pretended that I liked, I did not even see it – because what I have done, is that I have made myself believe that I too liked it – like a relationship-chameleon. Another point I have noticed lately is how I will change my voice tonality to a “relationship voice” wherein I make my voice more sweet, weak and feminine, instead of my natural, lower voice, strong voice. In my investigation I have found that I do that to not appear threatening to my partner, to appear feminine, to fit myself into the mold of being a good girl friend. I have actually written extensively about this point and experienced frustration within being unable to stop – but I realize that this has been a primary personality that I have existed within and as and layered myself within and as and that the solution to stopping it, is as accumulative as I have created this personality equally accumulative. I even stayed with a former boyfriend for over a year, because he became so sad when I broke up with him. Other aspects of the pattern are within how I have believed that I must control the outcome of the relationships I am in, through how the person responds to me. So I will constantly look for signs as to whether I have done something wrong, so that I can prevent unforeseen and uncomfortable events such as them leaving me or becoming angry at me.

So what I have looked at as I looked further into this pattern is that it is a survival-mechanism and obviously survival mechanism we believe we need to exist, which can be why they are ‘difficult’ to let go of – difficult as in we refuse and don’t want to let go. What I have also seen is that it is about existing in and being dependent upon relationships outside separate from me and as such in no way relying on myself or seeing any form of worth in myself.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and make myself believe that I enjoy something that I don’t enjoy as a way to “unite” myself with my partner and create a “moment of intimacy” that I believe and accept I cannot do, without aligning myself to what I perceive as my partner’s wants and likes and as such compromise myself and deceive myself into creating a personality that I can align to my partners likes and dislikes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and to deceive myself into a personality of aligning myself and defining myself according to my partners likes and dislikes just so that I can be in a relationship, believing and accepting that who I am is inherently not good enough and as such that I, to be in a relationship have to change myself to fit and mold myself to my partners likes and dislikes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through and with and within believing and accepting that I must compromise myself to be in a relationship, that I must create a personality that fits to my partner, so as to “unite” myself with him and make him like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align my likes and dislikes to the likes and dislikes of my partner, so that he may like me more and that there is something that unites us – based on me perceiving and accepting myself as inherently not good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must and have to align myself and compromise myself to be in a relationship – and to believe that compromising for and in a relationship is a good thing to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe and define ‘compromise’ as a good and necessary thing to do in a relationship to make sure that the relationship is working and that my partner stays with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend and convince myself to believe that I like watching South Park, The Daily Show, ska music, jazz and soccer just so that my partner will like me and so that I can “unite” myself with my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more than willing to compromise myself to fit myself into a relationship and within that accept and allow myself to create, manifest and design a personality that I can present and define myself according to in a relationship to be successful and liked by my partner

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I have to compromise myself to be in a relationship and create a personality just so that I can be liked by a partner, that the relationship is not real anyway and that I am not real within it and that I am in fact diminishing myself and my self-worth in defining myself only worthy as being in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and experience and accept it as worth it to compromise myself for a relationship and to create a fake personality to fit and mold myself to my partners and dislikes in the belief that it will “unite” me with my partner and make me worthy to be with him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an automated personality, where I automatically compromise myself and deliberately force myself to compromise myself to be in a relationship to fit myself into what I perceive that my partner wants

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and believe and experience and accept that it is not okay to say “no” and that if I say no, I risk losing my relationship and because I value being in a relationship as more than all and anything else, I see it is as necessary and required for me to not say “no” and to say “yes” to keep my partner satisfied not realizing that it is not about making my partner satisfied, but about satisfying my fear of losing that which I have defined myself according to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an inner conflict when I am in a situation where it is self-honest to say no, but where another wants me to say yes between directing myself in self-honesty and what I perceive as keeping the relationship through satisfying my partner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to experience guilt whenever I say “no” within and as the belief that it is the morally correct thing to do to say “yes” no matter what and to deliberately say “yes” so that I don’t have to experience myself like a shit – and as such compromise myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the other person that I have created a relationship towards, for me “having to” compromise myself in the belief that it is them who are forcing me to compromise myself, while in fact it is only and have always only been myself and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as being responsible for compromising myself in the belief that I must and have to compromise myself in and for relationships – and as such abdicate my self-responsibility for and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own inner conflict onto my relationship with others and in and through that create and manifest a conflict with others, in separating myself from my own acceptances and allowances and self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist within and as, as self-compromise and deceit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I, because of my past relationships wherein I compromised myself yet perceived and believed that it was my partners that was forcing me to compromise me, that I must and have to stand up to my partner – when in fact I was the only one that compromised myself and as such the only one that is responsible for my own self-compromise

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that because of the experience, belief and acceptance that I had to say yes, I have not been able to consider the point in common sense and as such that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a conflict of polarities, where I believe on one hand that I must stand up for myself and on the other that I must compromise myself and as such compromise both myself and my partner in the process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying “yes” and “no” because I fear losing myself either way, either through losing the relationship that I have defined myself according to or through losing myself in and as how I compromise myself to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and design myself into and as a “relationship-chameleon” personality in and through which I have completely separated myself from myself here in and as the physical and from myself as self-honest self-expression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have compromised myself into a pretend-personality, in and through which I have made myself believe that I like the same things that my partner like

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my voice tonality to a “relationship voice” wherein I make my voice sound more sweet, weak and feminine instead of speaking with and expressing myself through my natural, lower voice, strong voice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my self-expression in and as self-honesty in and through changing my voice tonality to make it more ‘relationship-friendly’ so that I will have success in my relationships which I have defined as my partner liking me and not leaving me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my voice tonality so as to not appear threatening to my partner, but to instead appear feminine and to fit myself into the mold of being a ‘good girlfriend’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a ‘good girlfriend’ as whatever a man desires for a woman to be – and in no way consider how being an actual supporting relationship in walking as equals to support each other, has nothing to do with my idea, belief and acceptance of ‘ being a good girlfriend’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create manifest and participate within and as a primary personality of and as self-compromise and pretend and that I within that have layered, hidden and suppressed myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an experience of frustration in experiencing that I am unable to stop and step out of this personality of self-compromise – instead of simply seeing and realizing in common sense self-honesty that I require to use the same dedication and accumulative process with which I have created and refined this personality through the years, to enable myself to step out if it – as it has become “who” and what I am, as a skin-suit that I forgot I had put on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to stay with a partner in a relationship for over a year, because he became so sad when I broke up with him and I felt so guilty for hurting him and as such taking his reaction personally believing that I was responsible for his experience and because I did not want to experience myself as a shit in guilt, I would rather compromise myself and stay in an abusive and ineffective relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must control the outcome of my relationships with others, through compromising myself and molding myself into personalities so as to fit myself into someone that my partner will like – so that I can ensure that they like me and that I don’t make mistakes and so that unpredictable things will not happen such as them exploding in anger on me or leaving me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control the outcome of my relationships through how a person responds to me and as such exist in a completely strategized personality, where I compromise myself and my partner and exist in complete and total separation from, within and as myself here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously look for signs as to whether I have done something wrong, so that I can prevent unforeseen and uncomfortable events such as my partner leaving me or becoming angry at me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a ‘strategized’ personality, wherein and from which I have compromised myself as a survival mechanism which I have believed that I needed to exist

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that a primary reason why I have experienced it difficult to stop and let go of this personality, has been because I have believed and accepted that I needed it to survive and as such exist within how I have defined surviving as existing specifically within and as defining myself according to being in a relationship and as a woman being dependent on a man

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of this strategic personality because I have believed and perceived and accepted that I needed it to survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as and believe and accept myself and my existence as dependent upon relationships in, of and as separation of and from myself and as such that I have never accepted or allowed myself to create or accept myself within and as self-reliance or self-worth

I forgive myself that I have never accept or allowed myself to create or accept myself within and as self-reliance and self-worth, based on the belief and acceptance that I am dependent on a relationship to exist

I commit myself to change my application in the moment of speaking to someone where I would anticipate a response and get scared if there is no response and simply allow myself to speak and express myself and breathe through any and all reactions

I commit myself to support myself to stop all fake voices that I have used to fit myself into a personality that I have believed that I must be and become to maintain a relationship and to allow myself to speak here, as myself, in my own voice

I commit myself to investigate and expose for myself all personalities and ways with which I have participated in the relationship-chameleon personality and to stop all participation in this personality and allow myself to express myself here in and as self-reliance and self-worth

I commit myself to investigate and expose for myself and stop all points of participation in and from which I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I like something that I do not in fact like or enjoy in compromising myself for a relationship

I commit myself to support myself to create and manifest myself within and as self-reliance and self-worth and to stop all participation in survival mechanisms and strategies so that I can actually live and express myself here unconditionally in and as the physical

Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk

Tags: Boyfriend, Chameleon, changing myself for my boyfriend, Compromise in relationships, conflict in relationships, girlfriend, relationship, Ska, South Park, The Daily Show
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SEXY flesh-factories – or: How we’re all wearing the emperor’s new clothes

June 6, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog

A veil is being ripped from my eyes – it is an astounding experience, as something I have always taken for granted as real and valuable, is suddenly revealing itself as fake through and through. It is even more astounding to see now how obvious it is that it was fake and that I have been existing for all this time on a complete lie.

I have been living a lie, together with everyone else in this world and the lie that I am talking about is: The Lie of Giving Life – The Lie of Reproduction – The Lie of Family – Relationships – Beauty – Love – and Sex.

As I am slowly ripping the veil from my eyes, I walk in my daily participation and see everything as had I gotten brand new eyes and trying them on for size or as am I seeing everything for the first time, yet still too bright and blurry. I am aware that even still what I am seeing now – is but another layer, another veil and that it requires a total unveiling – a brutal, self-honest unveiling of all delusions and illusions about what Life is.

Basically how it works is that I participate in my reality, read the news or listen to someone speak on the street or experience something within and as me and it shows me yet another point where what I believed were real, true and valuable turns out to be yet another point of deception.

What I have realized is this:

The entire world of fashion, healthcare, dating, drinking, having children, buying houses, Hollywood – is set up like one big giant fertility clinique where everyone is groomed to become producers of “life” like flesh-machines or flesh-factories that are here to serve one basic function: re-produce and clone more flesh-machines.

We are “brought to life” to clone the system that is infused everywhere, Impulsing everything and everyone to only serve it, as a god almost that requires absolute obedience and devotion – and what is even worse: we are not even aware of it – or ourselves as it.

Because the deception has been so carefully designed and orchestrated that everyone believes that they’re in fact “living life” – that they are each living in something called “my life” which is almost like a game-sequence or a level in a computer game, where one must collect the most amount of points and scores – and the most important aspect of this is the game of reproduction.

For some it is mostly about the act itself – which entire industries, such as the porn- and clubbing industry are build upon. For others it is about the goal of producing the best possible offspring – for others again it is about “making the best out of” “the journey” – again with entire industries build upon these programs and impulses, which humans follow and call “family values” and “family first” or “I am a bachelor for life” and nod with this warm feeling of purpose and worth.

I have myself been 100 % controlled by this specific point of enslavement to the point where it is in deed shocking to realize even this singular point as an example of the extend of self-deception and enslavement I have submitted myself to – completely oblivious. I believed that my yearning desire for a little house on the beach with a loving husband, a dog and three children was a pure, honest wish for a happy life. I was willing to go through hoops to maintain relationships, get sex or even flirt. I never questioned the sexual arousal I felt when I saw a man on the street that fit the profile of someone who is “powerful”. And what is amazing is that this is a complete collective delirium that everyone is participating in maintaining – lovesongs, Tv-shows, romantic movies, hardcore porn, family-discount, bridal showers, baby showers, bachelor parties, beach parties, date rape drugs, you name it: we’re hooked on it. And this is why it is so hard to see and realize the self-delusion as the spell that we’ve placed ourselves under.

Because even if you were to see it – the entire world around you would live this as reality and thus eventually you would end up believing yourself to be insane or dysfunctional. It is like in the story about the emperor’s new clothes where everyone believes the emperor has clothes on; even though they can see that he does not – simply because they fear losing public appearance. Only when a child who has no concept of keeping up appearances, speaks up, the spell is broken.

It is time to break the spell, people – there is no such thing as love, as relationships, as “the one”, as “the perfect life”. The “perfect life” is – look around – only facilitated and made possible by money. When looking at the various representations of this scenario and those we’ve believed to have such a life, what we see is the facade, the make-up placed on top of the face of reality, stuck in a stiff smile – - what we are seeing is the emperor’s new clothes and we believe it to be real because otherwise we would have to face the lies we’ve been telling ourselves.

Sex is not some magnificent, sacred, spiritual or exhilarating event that will blow the boundaries of reality if only it is performed correctly with the right partner – the experiences of sexual energy charging around in the body is like the sweetener they put in cough syrup to make sure it gets down and stays down.

The entire purpose of this, us existing as flesh-factories in various grooming, fertility and nesting systems — is to replicate and reproduce more clones, more systems like ourselves – cloning what is here as this system of self-enslavement and propelling energy that we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become – and thus fear letting go of, because we’ve diluted ourselves to the extend where we now believe that this is all we are and will ever be – which unfortunately is true as long as we allow it to be. As long as we praise and submit ourselves to these systems – in their honor and in spite of life – we will remain self-enslaved and self-inflated, giving value to the act of enslavement itself.

The expression “bred in captivity” is fitting here – because only a race as stupid and arrogant, as we humans have allowed ourselves to be and become, would speak proudly of enslavement as though it was a sign of their evolved intelligence and power over nature – when in fact, all it reveals is the extend of our own self-enslavement.

The point here is not that sex is bad or that relationships are bad and that we should all now go into celibacy. Quite the contrary – the point is for us to realize how we’ve enslaved ourselves to reproduce ourselves as clones of our own enslavement and to break that cycle by willing ourselves to change.

We do this by changing the very nature of our relationships – - from pre-programmed and automated fertility-programs to living agreements where we come together in the purpose of supporting ourselves and each other as Life to stand up. We do this by changing the way we have sex and the starting-point within which we have sex, from mentally and energetically charged reproduction maneuvers to physical self-expression and amalgamation of and as ourselves in the touch of equality. We do this by stopping participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings – within the realization that all of these are pre-programmed for us to follow the pattern of survival through reproduction. We bring ourselves back Here – - in and as the Physical, as Life, Equal and One.

This is what we do in The Desteni I Process, with all parts of Life that is not supporting what is best for all – with all parts of life that is existing in and as self-enslavement and as self-delusion of and as the mind as separation from ourselves as Life Here – we stop each and everyone of them and re-educate ourselves to willing a new way of Life into existence – a way that is best for all – where All Life supports All Life Equally.

At Desteni we rip the veils from our eyes, one by one – until all is unveiled and life is no longer lived as a lie. We are not looking for truth – we are looking for the lies that we’ve wrapped ourselves within and as, in denial of ourselves Here as Life – so that we may stand up for the end of all abuse and the beginning of a new world in perfect order – A world of freedom and self-expression for All Life.

Tags: A Perfect Life, Amazing Sex, Anna Brix Thomsen, Desteni I Process, Equal Money System, Finding Love, love, relationship, sex, Sex Experiences, The One, The Perfect Life, The Perfect Man, The Perfect Woman, True Love
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Feedback on the Desteni Europe meeting

July 9, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

On the 1. Of July we had our second Desteni Europe meeting, held by Jozien in Amsterdam. (The first one was in May and was held by Cenk in Hamburg.)

I arrived on the June 30. I met up with Juraj in the airport. We had never met each other before, but it was easy to spot the other baldie in the crowd and we quickly found each other and took the train to Joziens house. The night we arrived we talked a lot. Jozien and I had met on the farm in South Africa and at the first meeting, but Juraj we had not met before and we talked about his experiences and his story before coming to Desteni. The next morning the others starting arriving, a few was from Holland like Martjin, Valerie, Reginald and Alex, but there were also Joao and Joana from Portugal who lives together in London, Christophe from Belgium and on Saturday Lana came from Germany with her boyfriend Paris, who was completely new to Desteni, the material and SRA.

Initially we had planned the meetings to be focused on discussing Equal Money, funding and political agendas, but already at the first meeting it was clear that sharing and supporting each other was more in focus and especially the SRA course, which most of us attending is currently in the process of participating in. In the first meeting there was a lot of talking, where people simply buzzed around, sharing their stories and supporting each other, wherever assistance was required. So before this meeting, Jozien and I had tried to come up with a way to make the meeting more structured by coming up with themes of discussion and a method for how we would discuss – that did not exactly work, as it seemed that most people burned to simply share themselves and as the meeting progressed, we focused more on SRA and Process Support than on discussing politics.

There was however unstructured discussions going on about Equal Money, Politics and especially financial funding. It turned out that both Juraj and Paris were experienced in trading and stocks and they talked about the banking systems to the rest of us. There was also a meeting in the park with Reginald, Joao and Martijn where they specifically talked about Equal Money and Politics, while the rest of us were practicing SRA at Joziens house. We had quite a lot of practice SRA sessions, where one would be facilitated with a priority point in their life and one would facilitate, while a third took notes and assisted the facilitator. Some of them went smooth, fast and was very revealing and eye opening – I had an SRA session that was very supportive and that opened up a point for me in a way that surprised me a lot. Others did not go quite as smooth and we talked a lot about the procedures, ethics and techniques of practicing SRA.

In between these often very intense sessions and discussions, we ate, slept, did the dishes and went for walks as it was very hot outside. To me the meeting was very supportive. I got a lot of perspectives and assistance with the points I am facing and walking through, but the amount of talking and the intensity of it, was sometimes, almost too intense. Point after point after point opened up for me and the most practical way for me to deal with it, was to do practical stuff. So I cooked a lot and was surprised how easy and natural it was. I really enjoyed having my hands busy and making food for everyone, but I also started wondering about this, as this ‘housewife’ syndrome is something I’ve been facing for a long time. What is so odd, with something like this, is that it has been contradicting how I have seen and experienced myself. I used to hate cooking and never did it if I did not have to, but it has been laying latently waiting to be activated and when Jozien said that I was in the nest-making age, it made sense to me. It is strange how I’ve believed I could fight my programming or copying of my mother, only to discover that this behavior has creeped up on me in a most surprising way – that I cook, because I enjoy doing it. For a lot of people, including myself, the main points that opened up during the meeting, was related to sex and abuse – many of us had different experience with sexuality and abuse and it was cool to share our experiences so openly. I am not sure how that became the main point for so many of us, but it was interesting to see that each one had their own story and experiences wherein sex, abuse and money had played a significant role. Emotions were released, tears were shed and several points came to closure or simply opening up. A point of secret desire opened up for me and I was shocked how easily it had been triggered and it was only when Martijn asked if I had forgiven the desire, that I realized that I had been secretively holding on to it, not having been willing to let go. That was quite a revelation and cool to finally face.

The meeting ended on Sunday and we talked about when the next meeting was going to be. Jozien said that she would host on a regular basis, but that every two months might be too much. So we will see when and where in Europe the next meeting will be. The people attending the first meeting and this one was quite a different group although there were also some people attending both. But at both meetings there were people who were completely or relatively new to Desteni.

A lot of us had also never met before in person, so I am looking forward to seeing everyone next time, being able to go deeper into the points of Support and working with SRA as well as maybe structuring the meetings more in specific directions. I do however find it very cool that we’re able to have people coming who are new to the material and that they after having been to the meeting have decided to ‘enlist’ for SRA training. Either way, I am grateful for the meeting and for seeing everyone there. It is an amazing environment to test yourself in, especially if you as I, live alone and don’t see many people on a daily basis or if you are alone in your process most of the time. We were able to face conflicts and matters that would have been taboo in other social gatherings in a way that was very supportive for everyone there. I got so much support to go home with and I look forward to many more meetings.

Tags: 1, Desteni, Desteni Material, Europe, independence, My Life with..., Process, relationship, self trust, self-accept, self-acceptance, self-empowerment, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness, Self-Transformation, SRA, Structural Resonance Alignment, transformation
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Flag it, Tag it, Bag it!

March 11, 2010 in Uncategorized

This is a method I am developing within myself after having heard an interview in relation to the Structural Resonance Alignment Course, where a couple in an Agreement called Marlen & Jorn (who lives here on the farm) had a Discussion with there Resonances. In the interview they talked about how Marlen and Jorn was very effective when they saw a point in themselves or with each other that required a correction, to move straight to the corrective application and change immediately. I found this very interesting and have been working with it ever since, because I was coming from an idea/acceptance that there was a ‘process’ to go through with everything, like first you write and then you do self-forgiveness and then… but even within that it was based on ‘the right thing to do’ – as in Separation of me Here, and not as Simplistic Common Sense. Because when I looked at it, with a lot of points I did see straight and clearly what I was doing – yet I wasn’t stopping or changing me.

Then I developed this method for myslef, which I am still busy applying – I call it:

‘Flag it, Tag it, Bag it!’

The idea is very simple: When you see a point, a pattern, a thought or whatever wherein you are limiting/accepting yourself within an as a mind-construct and it is clear to you; ‘oh, okay, this is what I am doing, because I believed that and that is how I created/accepted myself within and as it’

FLAG IT! Here you can write down situations, trigger points, events where this plays out. That is where you within yourself place a ‘flag’ so that you will notice when it happens again.

TAG IT! Now you have identified the point, so now you walk. You tag it, by being aware of your flag points, by noticing when you get trigger, when you reacted. and you follow the line. Now you got yourself on a hook and line. No way of getting out now, cause you saw it and by tagging yourself within it, saying to yourself ‘whop, there i went again’. You keep the point Here for you to deal with.

BAG IT! This is simply the process of letting go/stopping/not participating in the point/pattern/thought/reaction. What and however you can stop, is cool. For me Physical Action is the most effective. For others it might be saying ‘Stop’ inside or out loud. Whatever works for you, you do it. Try different methods and be aware that because this is something you are doing for you and because you are dealing with points that you’ve created and accepted within and as you as real, as who you are – you are the only one that can stop yourself. Therefore no one can tell you how to Stop.

From there you simply walk. Next time Stop again. Next point: Flag it, Tag it, Bag it! And so slowly but surely, we disengage ourselves from all these conditioned and predisposed ways of existing – in separation with and to what is Really Here – With ourselves. To me it has been a key that the point is to keep going. That means that we will make mistakes. But it is then and there that we push ourselves, pick ourselves up again and keep walking.

For more information about the Structural Resonance Alignment Course visit: www.Desteni.co.za

Here is the link to the interview/discussion with Marlen and Jorn and their Resonances.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1WZ54iCmoc

Tags: addictions, anxiety, behavior, body, Change, color, dependency, emotions, love, Mental World, Patterns, relationship, self, self trust, self-accept, Self-Transformation, Thoughts
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Quit Smoking & Stop Suppressing Myself

March 3, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I’m here to talk about my experiences with stopping smoking and how I have used smoking as one tool to completely suppress myself and create a system of suppression within me and how I have been dealing with that since I stopped smoking. So I stopped smoking a month ago and it has been quite a horrible experience in terms of all the stuff that has been coming up, together with stopping smoking. Like… singular experiences or like… individual experiences and emotions has been depression, sadness, anger… desperation and then these two major, general categories almost, that I will call: One is Self-Pity in which all this emotion fall under and the other one is… In a way I can call it anxiety or fear, but its more specific than that, because its a specific experience from when I was a child of being not safe, of being unsafe, of being uncomfortable and not being able to pinpoint whats wrong with the world. An experience of being all alone, of not having any connection… even now as I am speaking, the emotion is coming up, so what I’m gonna do is, I’m just gonna put… that’s the only, the only Solution I have found, at all, so far in all my years of working with myself, is to put my feet on the ground, to feel my feet, to feel, not a connection, but just to feel my feet… and to Breathe. So… and its not a matter of having to meditate or stop talking or anything, just like: Okay, now the emotion is coming up, I stop and then I continue. But this overall feeling of not belonging, of something being off, in the world and in my world and… I mean, I’m still in the process of investigating how and to what extend I have suppressed myself and how it has been working, but this feeling, this particular feeling is one that I can see and experience, re-experience, from when I was quite a small child, like 3,4 years old. So okay, so I stopped smoking, while I was in an agreement with Matti and we stopped smoking together and it was like a spontane(ous) decision, but its something that Ive been working with for a while like: Okay, I’m gonna stop smoking at some point because I’m…. I could see that I was very attached and very committed or dependent on smoking. So I stopped and I was surprised how the part of, actually not smoking, was not as difficult as I had imagined, because its just a matter of not smoking, not smoking and especially when you, if you can keep your environment without cigarettes, its fine. I mean, here where I’m living, a lot of people are smoking, most people are smoking, so that was just a matter of… that’s just how it is. What I found surprisingly difficult was like I said, all the emotions that came up and I have, since I stopped smoking, several times gone into a mind-possession, mind-fuck, mind-trip that lasted for several days, where I was basically just crying the whole time, feeling sorry for myself the whole time, beginning to get paranoia and I mean, I cannot say with absolute proof that this is caused by me stopping smoking, but its very definitely linked, to this experience. So initially the point for me was to stop smoking all together, not start again and it was something I was doing within my Agreement and then the Agreement ended and I was like: “Huh, so what now?” – and I decided that I was gonna not start smoking again. Then after 21 days, I had another of these ‘self-pity-parties’ with myself where I was crying and feeling sorry for myself and not being able to do anything… and I talked to Esteni and she said something that was very interesting: that the whole thing, the whole emotional reaction was about not getting attention and not being recognized for having stopped smoking. And in that I very quickly started smoking again, realizing that it had in fact been dependent on other people, again – and basically just justifying for myself: “Oh, I might as well just start smoking again”, and: “it’s been 21 days…”, and “I don’t need to stop” and… but as I was smoking the first few cigarettes, I kept getting a headache and I did see the link: “Okay, it’s peculiar that I’m getting a headache as I’m smoking” – and I was wondering about this whole point of having brought the suppressions up that, that I was now re-installing the suppressions with the cigarettes, basically opening a system up and saying: “I’m not gonna participate anymore” and then – basically ‘giving up’ because of these emotional experiences and being overwhelmed by that, not believing that I’m able to stop it for myself and then start smoking to ‘close’ the whole thing down again . So – as I started smoking again, it was quite amazing to see that everything became calm, everything became smooth – I was in ‘control’ again. I was able to work, I was effective, I was not emotional at all. If I became emotional, I was able to stop it immediately. Still thinking, still thoughts, but not as ‘insane’ or, not as obsessive as it was when I was not smoking. Then at some point I had another headache and… well, I was talking to Bernard about it and he said: “well that’s suppression” – and I realized in that moment that it made complete sense – I mean this whole ‘line’ of events that had happened, wherein I… basically believed that I wasn’t able to ‘cope’ myself and deal with myself… without cigarettes. I’ve been smoking since I was twelve and besides cigarettes, I have within this process found using food, using specifically other people, being in a Relationship, entertainment in the form of television, movies, what else? Thinking obviously – to suppress myself. And I am closing in on myself from the perspective right now, of not being able to do that anymore… and having to and being willing and allowing myself to Face this point and…. Yeah, so after three days of smoking again, where it was wonderful and I just went back, as if nothing had ever happened and I’ve always been smoking and… ‘the good old days’, ha ha – so I stopped again last night and what I found, what I have found to be extremely fascinating is that these experiences that I experienced as I was stopping came back immediately: Depression, sadness, feeling sorry for myself, desperation, anxiety, not belonging, not having connections with anyone, being isolated. So… this is where I am. I’m going to walk through this point and I don’t know what’s on the other side… as I am looking at it now, it’s the point of for the first time being comfortable with just me. Not requiring anyone or anything else to make who I am, to make me safe, to give me stability, to hold onto and actually Allow myself to be that stability be that Support – because I mean how else? How am I going to exist, without being dependent or anything or on other people, if I’m not able to… basically live with myself? And trust that whatever comes up and whatever happens, I trust myself to Direct it and to deal with it and to Face it, be Self-Honest and to not suppress or hide myself.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, beauty, body, cigarettes, depression, diet, drugs, fat, fear, independence, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, relationship, self, self trust, self-empowerment, sex, skinny, smoking, standing up, transformation, weight, weightloss
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