May 12, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog post, we are going to investigate negativity/the negative further and go deeper into the two definitions of negativity that I wrote about in the previous post. In this post we are therefore specifically investigating negativity as an adjective – the adjective being that which is ‘added’ to ‘who I am’ AS negativity. In a way the adjective expresses the ‘doing of’ negativity – yet here it is in a specific context:
c.1400, “expressing denial,” from Old French negatif (13c.) and directly from Latin negativus “that which denies,” from negat-, past participle stem of negare “deny, say no” (see deny). Meaning “expressing negation” is from c.1500; that of “characterized by absence” is from 1560s. Algebraic sense is from 1670s. The electricity sense is from 1755.Negative Capability, that is when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. [John Keats, letter, Dec. 21, 1817]Related: Negatively.
So negative in the context of how the word is defined here as an adjective is the action of ’saying no’ and ’denying’ – basically like ’being negative’ or ’against’ something or someone as “expressing negation.” I will therefore here be looking at how I’ve lived this aspect of negativity and I will begin by walking through a particular memory:
When I was around 15, my foster mother came home and excitedly told me that she’d gotten tickets for us to go and see a show with ‘river dancers’. I responded saying something like: “ah man, do I have to?” My foster mother very bluntly put me in my place by telling me that it was rude of me to say no to something that someone was inviting me to and that I didn’t even know what I was saying no to. What was profound about this situation making it a clear cut memory in my mind that I often thought about in the years after, weren’t that my foster mother had gotten angry at me, but how she had been absolutely right. I simply said no without having any clue what I was saying no to. And it is not because I otherwise only say no to things – on the contrary, I’ve experienced myself much more as having an issue with saying yes to things that I shouldn’t have said yes to. But I am realizing now that when I said “Yes” to things that weren’t good for me, I was implicitly saying “No” to the things that would have been good for me, without even realizing it.
Something else that is also a negative in the sense of ‘saying no’ is the experience of resistance. When we’re resisting we’re literally saying no to whatever it is that we’re resisting. And what is interesting in this context is that I’ve actually resisted walking through this point. So it is fascinating because I see the point is that I’ve resisted letting go of my ‘prerogative’ to resist things, like the ability to assist gives me (or rather me as the mind) an edge as a carte blanche in not having to face myself. So if something or someone comes to clothes I can just resist it and allow myself to not go there.
So this is what I’ll be walking self-forgiveness on in this post – my relationship to negativity as ‘saying no’ deliberately, both in the context of not knowing what I’m saying no to as well as deliberately saying no through resistance as a way of sabotaging myself to not have to face myself.
For context, I suggest reading the previous posts in this series:
- Filling Gaps by Digging Holes – My Relationship with Myself as Negativity: DAY 203
- Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202
- Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201
- Positivity: DAY 200
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of deliberately and automatically saying no to things without even considering what I am saying no to simply out of habit and because of deliberately resisting things that I don’t know and so if I don’t know what is going to happen I’ve found it easier to say no thank to risk something that might be bad or unpleasant
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand or consider the opportunities that I have missed out on because of the habit and pattern that I’ve accepted within and as myself of saying no to things before even knowing what I’m saying no to
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately say no to things because I believe that if I say no then I at least have some form of control of what is going to happen to me – this in stark contrast to my corresponding habit of deliberately forcing myself to say yes to things that I know aren’t good for me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and in control of myself when I say no and therefore I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to say no simply because it makes me feel ‘more than’ and ‘stronger’ and as though I have a freedom to choose – while I didn’t even consider whether what I am saying no to might be something that would be cool for me to do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone within and as being negative and saying no through deliberately always expecting the worse and within and as that also giving up on both myself, on other people and possible events before even trying and as such feel that I’m in control of myself and of the situation by getting a head of possible consequences that might be unpleasant or cause fear within me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand or consider how extensively I’ve limited myself, my life and my opportunities and possibilities in life, through accepting and allowing myself to participate in this pattern of ‘getting a head of things’ through deliberately rejecting them before even trying them out
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and experience that it is better for me, and that I am better of and more safe if I always ‘low ball’ my own abilities and capabilities and opportunities through which I’ve created a pattern of always expecting the worse and feeling safe and comfortable within that through the justification I’ve made in my mind that at least any possible future consequences won’t catch me off guard because I’ve already gotten a head of it and manifested the consequence deliberately for myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control consequences through predicting them and deliberately forcing them into manifestation and as such prevent consequences from happening to me because I make them happen to myself – not seeing, realizing or understanding the utter absurdity that this pattern is in how I’ve sabotaged myself deliberately just to prevent external circumstances and consequences from happening that I don’t have control over
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately end relationships with other people because I feared and expected that they would end the relationship with me – and so to prevent that from happening or rather to prevent myself from experiencing myself like shit when and as that would happen – I would instead simply leave and as such maintain an illusion of having control over myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a personality/character of superiority wherein and from which I’ve believed that I was in control of my reality when I could force consequences into manifestation before they would happen to me from outside of me – not seeing, realizing or understanding how this pattern/personality/character was based on fear of that which I can’t control and an explicit fear of being caught off guard based on memories of such incidences that I’ve held onto in my mind so as to ensure that I would never ever have to experience that again
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react strongly to be caught off guard where I experience an intense fear and shock and loss of control over myself so that I in that moment made the decision to always from now on expect the worse and basically created a ‘stance’ of resistance and negativity towards the world and my interaction within and as it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my pattern of negativity as deliberately saying no on an experience of blame and resentment towards ‘the world’ or ‘life’ within and as having experienced that it was ‘the world’s’ or ‘life’s’ fault that I was caught off guard and as such in holding ‘the world’ or ‘life’ responsible for how I experienced myself in that moment of feeling a total loss of control and really feeling betrayed by ‘life’ when all the while I was the one who created the experience of reacting to being caught off guard within myself based on having created an illusion of reality being ‘safe’ and me ‘in control’ in it – like it was my first conscious encounter with the instability of life on earth and instead of simply stabilizing myself within that, in realizing that I am and can be my own point of stability, I took that instability personally and deliberately made it even worse through prejudging/anticipating it – kind of like saying: “oh you think I’m an idiot… well now I’ll be even more of an idiot and it will be your fault because you made me an idiot.”
As such, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a conflicting relationship to that which I perceive as ‘life’ or ‘the world’ as external events that I’ve experienced as happening to me where I’ve existed in a simultaneous relationship of spite, resentment and fear towards ’life’ or ‘the world’ with the consequence of me significantly diminishing myself, my life and my possibilities in life through creating a comfort zone and illusion of control out of always expecting the worst and saying no.
In my next post I will commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements so that I can practically release myself from this pattern and stop diminishing and limiting myself out of fear of the unknown.
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