November 11, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
When and as I see that I am participating in an experience of anxiety as indicated by how I’ll be rushing through my daily responsibilities and an experience of nervousness and shallow breathing and general uncomfortability and tightness in my body, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.
Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve accepted this state of anxiety as normal within and as justifying this state and experience of constant anxiety as ‘who I am’.
I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing anxiety as who I am and I commit myself to stop accepting a constant state and experience of anxiety as who I am and I commit myself to stop justifying this experience of anxiety as normal and natural because I see, realize and understand now that it is not and that it is myself who’s created this experience and accepted it as who I am through my constant and continuous endorsement of it and participating in it
When and as I see that I am using an experience of anxiety and a constant accumulation of and participation in this anxiety to justify my acceptance, belief, idea and experience of myself as ‘not good enough’ where I’ll believe that I am in fact making myself better because I am experiencing this anxiety – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.
Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been using a constant state and experience of anxiety to justify and endorse my belief, experience and idea that I am not good enough and that I must make myself better where I’d literally experience it as though it is good that I am anxious, like I am keeping myself on my toes and not allowing myself to rest – when in fact this is merely a point of self-deception through and with which I pretend to myself that I am busy bettering myself and changing myself when in fact I am not
And so instead, I commit myself to question my acceptance of myself as not good enough until I’ve laid out this entire belief, idea, perception and acceptance of myself so that I can effectively direct myself to stop accepting myself as not good enough and through and within that constantly wanting to be better and believing that I have to outrun myself through which I’d use anxiety while in fact I’ve not moved an inch because I’ve still accepted myself as not good enough
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to justify, endorse and validate my experience of anxiety as a ‘motivation to change’ where I’d deliberately refuse to stop the experience – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.
Because I now see, realize and understand that fear of not being good enough does not motivate me to change – because otherwise it would have worked already lol and instead the more anxious I feel and the more I try to outrun myself to be better, the less effective I in fact become
So I commit myself to stop endorsing, validating and justifying my experience of anxiety
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me chasing after projections in my mind about ‘who’ and ‘how’ I should be through which I incite myself into an experience of constant anxiety, is completely justified within and as insisting on the fact that “I am just not good enough, so I must become better” where I’d take something I’ve done or not done that I see is not acceptable or self-dishonest and instead of immediately bringing the point to practical correction in taking responsibility for who I allowed myself to be, instead manipulate myself into an experience of not being good enough – through which I don’t actually direct myself to correct the point, because I am now consumed with emotions and thoughts about not being good enough, focusing on this point of chasing the ‘good enough’ in my mind – instead of actually focusing on how to correct myself in my physical, practical participation
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a point of chasing after projections where I’d look in my mind at who and how I should be and how I should be better in a certain point of participation in my reality that I am not good enough within towards which I’d react and feel like shit and tell myself in my mind that I am just not good enough and that I have a right and a responsibility to be angry at myself for not being good enough – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.
Because I see, realize and understand now that beating myself on the head about not being good enough and becoming consumed with emotions does not in fact assist me in changing the point I saw that I was not good enough within and in that all I do through beating myself on the head is to justify myself not correcting myself and not wanting to correct myself through deceiving myself into believing that I do want to change because “at least I feel bad about it.”
When and as I see that I am participating within and as an experience of feeling that I am not good enough because of something I’ve done or not done where I know that my participation and application was not self-honest or as effective as it could be – I stop and I breathe.
Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been using the experience of feeling not good enough and inadequate to justify postponing the point of in fact changing and correcting myself
So therefore I commit myself to bring the points that I see where I know that my participation is not self-honest or as effective as it could be to immediate self-correction and to stop participating in an experience of feeling inadequate and not good enough and I commit myself to stop postponing points of self-correction and change that I see is required and immediately direct them in practicality so that I don’t have to go through these loops of feeling like shit and then creating anxiety to make myself better
When and as I see that I am participating within and as an experience of feeling like a victim and thus feeling good about not feeling good enough – I stop and I breathe.
Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve equated and associated being/feeling not good enough with being a victim and being a victim with being innocent and therefore through making myself feel not good enough I’ve deceived myself into believing and feeling that I am innocent and therefore good and not responsible for my actions “because I am simply not good enough” – and so I commit myself to instead face myself in self-honesty within and as the point I’ve allowed myself to be self-honest and that I have compromised myself within and simply correct myself
I commit myself to stop and let go of the sentence of justification as backchat that I’ve participated within of saying to myself that “I am simply not good enough”
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as blame, self-judgment and hate towards myself for not being good enough – I stop and breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that I within that am manipulating myself and so I commit myself to instead simply bring the point that I am not good enough within back to a point of practicality within seeing, realizing and understanding that it is possible to be practically not good enough within a particular point of participation which does not mean that the totality of my being is not good enough and even if it is – it is still no excuse to not change or correct myself
When and as I see that there is a particular point where I am not good enough – within a definition of ‘not good enough’ as = not best for all, not self-honest or where I am not as effective as I know I can be practically speaking – and I am within that judging the totality of my being as being permanently and irrevocably not good enough – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.
Because I see, realize and understand that it is possible to be practically not good enough without my entire beingness being not good enough and I also see, realize and understand that believing that I am permanently not good enough is a backdoor I’ve created to justify giving up on myself and also that even if it was so, that is no excuse and it does not mean that I am not responsible for myself and who and what I accept and allow myself to be
So I commit myself to let go of the belief, idea and acceptance of myself as permanently not good enough and I commit myself to stop using the belief that I am permanently not good enough as a back door to justify giving up on myself
(to be continued)
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