Projections - Anna's Journey to Life

Back to Breath (Day 9 of 21) Not Good Enough as an Excuse Not to Change: DAY 141

November 11, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

How do we use the Belief, Acceptance and Experience of being Not Good Enough as an Excuse to not Change and as a Backdoor to Justify Giving up on ourselves?

This is Day 9 of my 21 day walk back to Breath. Suggest to read the previous posts before reading this post for context of what I will be walking:

21 DAY Commitment: (Day 1) Bringing Myself Back to Breath: DAY 133

Back to Breath (Day 2 of 21) MY “ME” IS MADE OF MEMORIES: DAY 134

Back To Breath (Day 3 of 21) There is only Room for One Here: DAY 135

Back To Breath (Day 4 of 21) Deliberate Cognitive Distortions: DAY 136

Back to Breath (Day 5 of 21) Social Engineered Mind Authority: DAY 137

Back to Breath (Day 6 of 21) Getting Off The Mental Hamster Wheel: DAY 138
Self-Forgiveness

Back to Breath (Day 7 of 21) Chasing Projections: DAY 139

Back to Breath (Day 8 of 21) Clarifying the Starting-Point: DAY 140

When and as I see that I am participating in an experience of anxiety as indicated by how I’ll be rushing through my daily responsibilities and an experience of nervousness and shallow breathing and general uncomfortability and tightness in my body, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.

Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve accepted this state of anxiety as normal within and as justifying this state and experience of constant anxiety as ‘who I am’.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing anxiety as who I am and I commit myself to stop accepting a constant state and experience of anxiety as who I am and I commit myself to stop justifying this experience of anxiety as normal and natural because I see, realize and understand now that it is not and that it is myself who’s created this experience and accepted it as who I am through my constant and continuous endorsement of it and participating in it

When and as I see that I am using an experience of anxiety and a constant accumulation of and participation in this anxiety to justify my acceptance, belief, idea and experience of myself as ‘not good enough’ where I’ll believe that I am in fact making myself better because I am experiencing this anxiety – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.

Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been using a constant state and experience of anxiety to justify and endorse my belief, experience and idea that I am not good enough and that I must make myself better where I’d literally experience it as though it is good that I am anxious, like I am keeping myself on my toes and not allowing myself to rest – when in fact this is merely a point of self-deception through and with which I pretend to myself that I am busy bettering myself and changing myself when in fact I am not

And so instead, I commit myself to question my acceptance of myself as not good enough until I’ve laid out this entire belief, idea, perception and acceptance of myself so that I can effectively direct myself to stop accepting myself as not good enough and through and within that constantly wanting to be better and believing that I have to outrun myself through which I’d use anxiety while in fact I’ve not moved an inch because I’ve still accepted myself as not good enough

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to justify, endorse and validate my experience of anxiety as a ‘motivation to change’ where I’d deliberately refuse to stop the experience – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.

Because I now see, realize and understand that fear of not being good enough does not motivate me to change – because otherwise it would have worked already lol and instead the more anxious I feel and the more I try to outrun myself to be better, the less effective I in fact become

So I commit myself to stop endorsing, validating and justifying my experience of anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me chasing after projections in my mind about ‘who’ and ‘how’ I should be through which I incite myself into an experience of constant anxiety, is completely justified within and as insisting on the fact that “I am just not good enough, so I must become better” where I’d take something I’ve done or not done that I see is not acceptable or self-dishonest and instead of immediately bringing the point to practical correction in taking responsibility for who I allowed myself to be, instead manipulate myself into an experience of not being good enough – through which I don’t actually direct myself to correct the point, because I am now consumed with emotions and thoughts about not being good enough, focusing on this point of chasing the ‘good enough’ in my mind – instead of actually focusing on how to correct myself in my physical, practical participation

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a point of chasing after projections where I’d look in my mind at who and how I should be and how I should be better in a certain point of participation in my reality that I am not good enough within towards which I’d react and feel like shit and tell myself in my mind that I am just not good enough and that I have a right and a responsibility to be angry at myself for not being good enough – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.

Because I see, realize and understand now that beating myself on the head about not being good enough and becoming consumed with emotions does not in fact assist me in changing the point I saw that I was not good enough within and in that all I do through beating myself on the head is to justify myself not correcting myself and not wanting to correct myself through deceiving myself into believing that I do want to change because “at least I feel bad about it.”

When and as I see that I am participating within and as an experience of feeling that I am not good enough because of something I’ve done or not done where I know that my participation and application was not self-honest or as effective as it could be – I stop and I breathe.

Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been using the experience of feeling not good enough and inadequate to justify postponing the point of in fact changing and correcting myself

So therefore I commit myself to bring the points that I see where I know that my participation is not self-honest or as effective as it could be to immediate self-correction and to stop participating in an experience of feeling inadequate and not good enough and I commit myself to stop postponing points of self-correction and change that I see is required and immediately direct them in practicality so that I don’t have to go through these loops of feeling like shit and then creating anxiety to make myself better

When and as I see that I am participating within and as an experience of feeling like a victim and thus feeling good about not feeling good enough – I stop and I breathe.

Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve equated and associated being/feeling not good enough with being a victim and being a victim with being innocent and therefore through making myself feel not good enough I’ve deceived myself into believing and feeling that I am innocent and therefore good and not responsible for my actions “because I am simply not good enough” – and so I commit myself to instead face myself in self-honesty within and as the point I’ve allowed myself to be self-honest and that I have compromised myself within and simply correct myself

I commit myself to stop and let go of the sentence of justification as backchat that I’ve participated within of saying to myself that “I am simply not good enough”

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as blame, self-judgment and hate towards myself for not being good enough – I stop and breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that I within that am manipulating myself and so I commit myself to instead simply bring the point that I am not good enough within back to a point of practicality within seeing, realizing and understanding that it is possible to be practically not good enough within a particular point of participation which does not mean that the totality of my being is not good enough and even if it is – it is still no excuse to not change or correct myself

When and as I see that there is a particular point where I am not good enough – within a definition of ‘not good enough’ as = not best for all, not self-honest or where I am not as effective as I know I can be practically speaking – and I am within that judging the totality of my being as being permanently and irrevocably not good enough – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.

Because I see, realize and understand that it is possible to be practically not good enough without my entire beingness being not good enough and I also see, realize and understand that believing that I am permanently not good enough is a backdoor I’ve created to justify giving up on myself and also that even if it was so, that is no excuse and it does not mean that I am not responsible for myself and who and what I accept and allow myself to be

So I commit myself to let go of the belief, idea and acceptance of myself as permanently not good enough and I commit myself to stop using the belief that I am permanently not good enough as a back door to justify giving up on myself

(to be continued)

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Suggest reading Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

Back to Breath (Day 9 of 21) Not Good Enough as an Excuse Not to Change: DAY 141

Tags: Bernard Poolman, Cognitive Distortion, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process Lite, feeling not good enough, Justifications, Not Good enough, Projections, self-manipulation, Self-Sabotage
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Back to Breath (Day 8 of 21) Clarifying the Starting-Point: DAY 140

November 9, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog post I am continuing from my last post with self-forgiveness on the point of chasing projections – however I am also restablishing my starting-point in this blog series.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve used projections to deliberately fuck with myself so as to divert my own attention and focus from what actually matters – which is bringing myself to self-honesty and bringing myself back to breath through self-will and self-directive movement and instead have accepted and allowed myself to define, perceive and experience ‘what matters’ as that which I am thinking/seeing/feeling within and as and through the mind – through which I in no way stands within the purpose of living what is best for all, but only care about the story I’ve created about myself and how I can be/have and get more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specifically make use of comparisons within and as projections in/as/of the mind to separate myself from myself here and from the point of practically applying and directing myself to change – into a point of competition, either towards another human being (in the mind) or towards an image of myself as who I’ve made myself believe I should be or was in the past or should become in the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively seek out and participate in these projections through comparison and competition so as to separate myself from myself here deliberately in and through refusing to face – and thus change myself, while manipulating and deceiving myself because I am consciously standing in a point of justification of “I want to change but I can’t” where I’d literally deceive myself into believing that me feeling like shit over not being the best I can be is somehow indicating my willingness to change – when the fact of the matter is that if one is serious about changing, one changes oneself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously throughout my day, conjure up images and projections about what I am supposed to do where I’d look at how far I am from doing what I am supposed to do through which I’d separate myself even further into a split state of mind, where I am only focusing on how reality looks from within a particular mind ‘optic’ and in no way are focusing on what is actually here in practical reality, right in front of me, as me – because then I’d see that practical application and self-movement is available in every moment and is and cannot be based on some grand ‘process’ in my mind towards some form of enlightenment or absolution

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an idea and a story about ‘who I am’ within and as this process that is not based on practical reality, but on an idea and belief about myself as being more-than who and what I in fact am here and as such I forgive myself that I through having created this idea and belief about who I am, have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, judge, define and experience myself here in and as the physical as inferior to the idea I have about myself – and so as to not be ‘confronted’ with ‘the reality’ of myself as inferior to this idea about myself, I’ve instead focused on proving myself worthy to others and have pushed myself here away in and through self-judgment with the consequence of my participation having been unstable and inconsistent because I have not actually walked-with myself, as myself, but have attempted to outrun myself –through this ‘equation’ of believing myself to be more than ‘who I am’ and thus judging ‘who I am’ as less than the idea

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in self-judgment and thus resistance and suppression towards writing this blog – exactly because I am coming from a starting-point of having an idea about who I am supposed to write as and how I am supposed to write and what is supposed to come out of this writing – all of which I’ve created through participating in the mind in and through projections of comparison and thus competition – in this case of my writings – to this idea about myself and to a projected idea about others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a chance to walk process in fact, because I basically believe and accept that ‘who I really am’ (which is my judgment of myself) is not good enough and the only way I can become good enough is through manifesting this idea about myself as superior into reality through ignoring, annihilating and getting rid of myself as who I see myself as here in fact – through which I am not actually walking for me, but to get rid of me to become something more as pr. Automation and not through actual self-application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the more I participate in this idea about who I am supposed to be, either within a positive experience of “yes I got it” as living the superiority because what I do or the feedback I perceive myself to be getting, fits the idea of who I believe I am supposed to be or as a negative experience because and when and as I perceive that the feedback I am getting and what I do, does not fit into the idea I have about who I am supposed to be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that how what I see and who I see myself as when I look inside my mind at ‘who I am’ is not in fact real and thus from this perspective, I don’t even know who I am, because I’ve not allowed myself to see beyond the mind

I am going to stop for a moment here, because I can see that I am not writing structured or detailed enough even though there is a theme in this blog so I’ll easily go into multiple directions where I’m not effectively walking-with myself through my writing.

So if I walk it backwards for a moment from the point I started with, the purpose here for me is to bring myself back to breath, which means that as I am here directing myself in/as and through breath, I am stopping my participation in and through the mind and I am making the commitment of becoming a being of integrity and self-honesty in self-responsibility re-integrating myself into and as the physical as a being that lives with all that is here inequality as what is best for all. One vital point within this is me actually directing myself to bring myself back to breath which I can only do if I am not allowing myself to get ‘lost’ in, as and through the mind. So this is the point I am writing out the dimensions of at the moment, or rather various dimensions because obviously this is like taking on the entire mind-system at once, which is obviously not practical. So the specific points I am walking are based on this purpose of bringing myself back to self-direction of willing myself to breathe instead of participating in the mind – and as such I am looking at the abdication of myself through which I am manifesting why I am not bringing myself back to breath. Then I’ve written about cognitive distortions as that which we give value to and prioritize over being here as breath. One of these is the projections I’ve been writing about that is manifested through the consequence of me constantly running around trying to prove myself in stress and anxiety. This is then based on me participating in ideas and beliefs about who I am ‘supposed to be’ based on competition and comparison projected towards other human beings and specific ideas about myself. Now – this is then the specific point that I’ve been taking on in this and in the previous writing. And so now is where I see that I require specifying my writing further so as to effectively be able to direct myself to walk through this point as another piece of the puzzle in bringing myself back to breath.

What I saw through the previous blog post is how the point of projection is a self-sabotage strategy because when I participate in and through this, I am specifically NOT participating here in actually changing and correcting myself. I just asked myself the question: “Then when will I be good enough?” My answer is: I am good enough when I walk absolutely without a shadow of a doubt standing up for what is best for all in every moment. That is the only point I’ll accept as good enough.” However – this is not a practical equation, because at the moment, this is merely an idea about perfection, benevolence and altruism in my mind – it is an idea. Another question to myself is then: Well, if this is the only way of being that I will accept as good enough and I will be and make myself unsatisfied and anxious until I ‘get it’ – then why am I not doing it? And then another point is also that I am looking at a perfect end-result, which is actually a being who’s walked their entire process out of the mind through practical application step by step – it is and can only be that, which is in a way really cool, because it is a failsafe against cheaters and phonies. There’s no faking your way through this one. So – what I see actually is that this process, because this is really what it is all about, is about walking the steps necessary towards this point of standing absolutely. So I have a look at who I am in my daily participation and which points of participations through which I am sabotaging myself the most or simply pick the points that are emergent and transparent in the moment where I sit down to write. And THIS is IT. It is not that it is ‘all I have to do’ but this is what process is and what process means and I tend to get lost in an end result that I simply want to manifest effortlessly without taking who I am in practicality into consideration. Not who I am through the judgment of my mind – or the grand ideas about who I am, but simply looking at my actions and my motivations and starting-points within what I do and who I am as I do it – because I KNOW EXACTLY WHO I AM AND WHAT I ACCEPT AND ALLOW. The other part, that entire whole ‘process’ in my mind has nothing to do with what process actually is and is yet another cognitive distortion.

So – this is what I will do from now on in these blogs, I will take on the point that I see as emergent and transparent within my daily participation through which I see that I am the most sabotaging myself to not bring myself back to breath and then walk through it practically so as to take responsibility for who and what I am within and as the point and accordingly correct, change and re-align myself.

In my next blog post I will continue with self-corrective and self-commitment statements on the points that has come up here and in the previous blog and from the blog.

Thanks.

Back to Breath (Day 8 of 21) Clarifying the Starting Point: DAY 140

Tags: Clarifying the starting-point, Cognitive Distortions, Desteni Group, effective writing, Equal Money System, Projections, self-projection, separation from self
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Bringing New Jersey Back to Self

April 11, 2012 in World Exposed Blog

One of the most important points I have learned from walking with Desteni is what we call: “Bring it back to Self“. It took a long time before I could actually understand what it meant, in practicality and not as an idea in my head. It was only when I started walking an Agreement with another human being that I could see what this point implied in actuality. I kept experiencing that there was something wrong with my partner, that my partner should change this or that behavior. But no matter what I did, I kept having these experiences. And I felt like I was a slave to him, to his mood, his decisions and so I wanted him to change, so that my experience of myself could change. I believed that my experiences could only change, if he changed. I did not even see them as “my experiences” – all I saw was what he was “doing to me”. At a certain point it got so extensive and I could not stand living with myself this way. I started noticing a peculiar correlation: whenever I would get angry at my partner, at the cats, at my physical reality, there was a starting-point of being angry at myself. Through participating in the Desteni I Process I could then start identifying what exactly it was I was doing when I got angry at my partner – that really I was angry at myself.

So I started learning what it in-fact means to “Bring it back to Self.”

What it means, is that when we are looking at other people and at the world, what we see is not the actual physical reality as it exists equally for everyone. What we see, is through our mind, a reflection of ourselves. We do this because we have separated ourselves from ourselves Here and that which we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist in and as – and so we project that separate part out onto the world (because it still is here and we got to do something with it so that we can separate ourselves from it and not take self-responsibility) – and so we come to believe that what we see, when we see the world, is how the world really is. Now – it is tricky, because the world outside of us, is reflecting us as who we are in our minds – so what we are seeing when we look at the world is ourselves. Now, this could be any point; it could be something my partner does and I react to or even a word or a sound or a place. So for example let’s say that every time we go to New Jersey, we get this negative experience and when we think about New Jersey, we hate it because it is so negative. Now in that seeing of New Jersey and seeing that it is negative, there might be some form of truth in that, for whatever reason in how that society is constructed and how the people there live in a certain relationship with themselves and other neighborhoods – however – that is not at all relevant here. Because what is relevant is that we are reacting to it. We are taking it personally – We are not seeing New Jersey (as an example) for what it really is because: what we are essentially seeing is ourselves – as how we are living and accepting yourself.

So as we look at other people, fear their judgments or see them as strong and capable, we are actually showing yourself ‘parts’ of ourselves that we have separated ourselves into and as. And as such in this reflection, we have an opportunity (and a responsibility) to bring those ‘parts’ back to ourselves – so that we can direct yourself as those ‘parts’ and direct how we will live, in seeing in self-honesty whether they are in fact best for all. From there – as we start clearing ourselves, we can start seeing for example why ‘New Jersey’ exist the way it does – but there is no longer a reaction to it, we are not longer taking it personally – and as such, we can in fact start standing equal to ‘New Jersey’ as yourself as we start seeing that exactly as it exists in ‘New Jersey’, it exists equally within and as us.

So – New Jersey is not ‘negative’. It is simply a place on this Earth where people live. That is the initial starting-point. That is common sense. What is here is physical. The entire fuck-up is what happens in and through our minds. From there we can then look at what positive/negative charges e have associated with that place/person/point and bring that back to ourselves in asking: How am I living this? So actually we can replace the word ‘ New Jersey’ with “myself” and see what emerges: “I hate myself because I am so negative.” – for example.

Now, what is interesting here is that hating and being negative is exactly the same. Hate IS negative. Hate is not a common sense, self-supportive best for all application. So in our ‘hate’ towards New Jersey, we were doing exactly that which we saw in and as ‘New Jersey‘: We were being negative. And essentially all such points reflect back to us, the relationship we live and exist within, towards ourselves. And from seeing this, we can start bringing ourselves ‘together’ in a starting-point of self-support, realizing: there is no point in being negative or hating myself for being negative. I am not supporting myself to stop being negative by hating myself. I am not supporting myself to stop experience of myself by projecting it onto some city or person outside of me. I direct myself to stop this projection and take self-responsibility.

And once we take that self-directive responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed: change is possible. Then we can in fact direct ourselves to stop living in ways that are abusive and start living self-support – to treat ourselves as we would want others to treat us – and to treat others (and the world) as we would want to be treated.

So bringing it back to self is the only way to change our experiences of and as ourselves as we move about in this world. It is real ‘power’ from the perspective that, since we created it we can stop it – but first we got to get to understand ourselves in self-honesty and see how we have created ourselves in the first place – and see that we are self-responsible for who and what we accept and allow ourselves to be and become.

Suggested listening and reading for extended perspectives: