March 8, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog
I have for a long time feared death, the afterlife, going to the Dimensions or whatever it is there is ‘on the other side’ – which i in my current understanding, I understand as the sum of what I have accepted myself as – similar to what anonymous describes in the ‘Death of Me’ videos, trapped in an infinite mind-fuck that only ends when I stop myself, because I had created the mind-fuck in the first place. But wait… is that not what I’ve already done? Is that not what i’m already going through/experiencing? Emotional pain, insanity, delusion based on beliefs, ideas, knowledge and information? And if that is so, then the Solution then is the same as the Solution now – To Breathe, Stand Stable within myself Here. Then I watched the Earthlings movie and I Realized that what I have feared about being in the Dimensions, insanity, infinite pain, darkness, agony, screams, no way out – is exactly what animals here on Earth are experiencing. I mean, the only relief they have is Death. But for example with veil, where they are basically tortured from the moment of birth till they die – that is their total experience. I have no knowledge or awareness about animals sense of time, but to exist your whole life in pain, is too long, no matter how short or long that life is. That is the Real pain, that is the fruit of our labor so to speak. And since Everything is in Everything, even though we have conveniently shut ourselves out from having to experience the pain of these animals as an example, it is Here – it is experienced. And it is within us, even though we do not experience it consciously.
It seems that our emotional pain and despair has some sense of connection to this abdication of Responsibility and Consideration for each other as Life – that we know deep down that it could be us, that it is us – that we have created Hell and now we have to Live in it and thus we’ll do anything to keep ourselves to finding out – which is impossible, because we are Here. There are so many points, where we keep this system going and we are not even aware that we are doing it – that is how it’s been designed to keep going. It is absurd and cruel, but it was what we created – and what we have Accepted ourselves as.
What I also have Realized within this – is that I do not wish this to continue. I do not wish for anything or anyone to Suffer. At this point, my understand is not very expansive as I Realize how I have Accepted and Lived myself within Limitation and Diminishment. But what I do understand is that if I was that animal I would say: “Fuck your feelings” – “Fuck your emotional pain and self-pity”, “I don’t need you to feel sorry for me” – “All I want is for it to End.