March 7, 2010 in Uncategorized
I have been absolutely obsessed with food these days. A lot of my thoughts go to when to eat, what to eat and how much. There is a constant concern within me of worrying if I will get enough. The excuse is that I might get ill or tired, but the fact is that I simply fear not getting enough. I have also noticed that it is mostly a matter of being stimulated, comforted and entertained by whatever I intake. I have slowly started releasing this intake point by point, starting with the cigarettes. The first time I quit was not easy. This time it has been even more difficult. The first few days I had actual withdrawal symptoms, where I was sweating and overheated the whole time. After that I have basically just been craving to smoke. The cravings seems to come in ‘themes’ where I will for several days for example experience craving in my mouth and the last few days I have experienced this craving every time I smelt someone smoking. I have had this constant uncomfortability, uneasiness and then once in a while remember; ‘oh right, I’m not smoking’. It is like being unbalanced or a little outside of myself, all while it is obvious that it was the cigarettes that ‘kept me on track’. After I started smoking again, the first two cigarettes was horrible and after that it was like I had never stopped. It was the exact opposite when I stopped again and still is now – I wonder how long it will take before I get used to it. It must be something I have attached to smoking, I mean I have smoked more in my life that not and it is only by not smoking, that I can change that. But I keep having this idea, that this is just a face. That I will be allowed (by who by the way?) to smoke again. But this is and has obviously been a huge point in my life. In terms of how I have experienced myself within not smoking, it is clear to me that I have used smoking as a partner almost – it ‘gave me’ stability, balance, control and comfort. Because those points within me has been directly linked to smoking cigarettes, I ‘lost them’ as soon as I stopped smoking. I love smoking. I love everything about it. But I also love drinking coffee and I used to love smoking weed. I’ve stopped drinking coffee before and it was simply just a matter of stopping. And I stopped smoking weed and even though I have smoked weed almost as long as I have smoked cigarettes, I simply just stopped. It seems to be dependent on how I have attached myself to smoking cigarettes and how I have accepted this addiction and dependency. Here you can follow my progress over the last three weeks.