March 26, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog
I have been exercising everyday now for 3 weeks or so. I have been pushing myself more and more within it. It is great because Esteni is doing it with me and she has a lot of experience with aerobics and she is pushing me as well. From the beginning I have been unclear about my own starting-point for doing this, because there is definitely a motive in me for becoming pretty and attractive. But as I am doing the actual exercises, some totally different points emerge within me, and I Realize that I can utilize this even though my startingpoint was fucked and simply change myself within it. It is still a very new experience for me. What happens is that when I am doing the exercises I can only doing it effectively if I am actually in the movements myself. It is simply not possible if I am doing it half way. And as I allow myself to do it all the way, with myself completely in the movements, I experience myself being Here. In my fingertips , in my toes, in my chest. Today I had been emotional throughout the day and as the time came to do the exercise I was very close to say no. I am sure I am not the only one who has had this experience, where if you are depressed or whatever, then the last thing you want to do, is actually move yourself physically. That’s one of the reasons why people don’t move much, I think. So I did it anyway, but as we were starting, I felt so crappy. It was like the experience brought up how I really felt about and experienced myself, which I had suppressed and ignored without actually being aware of it. What was so strange was that the thoughts was there, but I was tensing myself so that I was not present in my body at all. And then as I started moving, with resistance as we were exercising, I could suddenly feel physically how I ‘d actually experienced myself emotionally or how I’d accepted myself on an emotional level. The experience was profound. I felt clumsy, embarrassed, restrained, ashamed as I started doing the exercises. As we have been doing it, I often feel frustrated and embarrassed when I don’t know how to do the exercises. I have always had trouble with dance moves and coordination moves and another point is that I don’t like it when I am not good at something. But today it was even more extensive . But because I had also had the experience in previous sessions where I had actually done it for myself, being in the movements for and by myself, I was able to push and move myself through it. It is strange, it is like an example of how you can take a shitty experience or where you are fucking around with yourself – and actually change it into an experience and expression of Great Support. I have been doing different exercises. At first I was swimming every day, but now it has become more chilly. What was so cool about it was that I had decided to exercise minimum 30 min. Every day and then within that I could do whatever I wanted to. That gave it a lot of flexibility. So as I was swimming I just changed it around every now and then. Then I would do some sit ups and push ups in the evening. The way I do it now is more like having a personal trainer, which is extremely cool. Esteni knows so many movements and she challenges me in a cool way where it is actually a lot of fun. As we do the exercises I am surprised to find myself actually doing aerobics and even enjoying it
I will be sharing more about my experiences with Resistance and how I experience myself within exercising and physical movements.