Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202

May 4, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this post I will be prescribing self-corrective and self-commitment statements on my relationship to positivity and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my participation and application dependent upon ‘how I feel’. The point of this is so that I can walk my days and apply myself without relying on energy , so that I can establish actual consistency instead of wavering between ‘ups’ and ‘downs’.

For context, please read the previous two posts on positivity:

When and as I see and recognize that I’ve stepped into the ‘peak’ character where I suddenly feel and experience myself as being invincible and that I can suddenly do anything, I stop. I remind myself that what I am experiencing is not real because it is in fact an experience and that I’m defining myself as being able to do anything because of an experience and not because I’ve expanded myself in and as self-direction and self-expression. I stop participating in the energetic experience and I see, realize and understand that I can simply apply myself here, practically, physically and self-directively without having to energize myself. So within this – I commit myself to stop participating in positive energetic experiences and I commit myself to stop allowing myself to define the ‘peak’ experience as real, because I see, realize and understand now that it is not.

When and as I am in the ‘peak’/positive experience and I see that I don’t want to stop participating in the experience and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to make the justification to stay in the experience because I suddenly feel more capable and able than otherwise, I stop myself and I breathe and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body. Because I now see, realize and understand that I actually am not more capable or able and that I’ve made myself believe this because I’ve made myself dependent on feeling energized to feel able and capable. So I commit myself to stop lying to myself and I commit myself to instead focus on establishing actual real capabilities and abilities that won’t simply disappear when the energy wears off.

When and as I see that I am in a ‘peak’ experience and that I want to remain on that peak because it feels like I’m finally ‘more than’ who and what I usually experience myself as, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am actually not ‘more than’ and that the only reason I experience myself as ‘more than’ is because of the pendulum experience of going up from having been down in accepting and allowing myself to be in a general experience of ‘low’ and feeling ‘less than’. So I see, realize and understand that I’ve made my definition, experience and acceptance of myself entirely dependent on energetic experiences that run their course completely independent from who I am or how I direct myself because it is like the energies have a life of their own and I am being swung by the pendulum from side to side without having any control over when I go up or down. So I commit myself to stop believing that I am suddenly more than and I also commit myself to stop conditioning myself to being dependent on energetic experiences because I see, realize and understand that this is an unstable and unsustainable way to live and if I accept and allow myself to be contingent upon energy to direct myself, I’ve got absolutely no self-direction which essentially mean that I am not the director of my own life and that energy is.

When and as I see that I’m accepted and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I can sustain my positive energetic experience, I stop. Because I now see, realize and understand that I can’t sustain this experience, I can’t control it or contain because I’ve got absolutely no control over the energy – quite the contrary: I’ve accepted and allowed the energy to be in control of me. As such I commit myself to stop the belief that I can control, contain or sustain the energy. I commit myself to stop believing that I am in control of energy and I commit myself to instead establish direction of energy through stopping participation on energy.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to believe that I’m not really in a positive experience and that “this is simply who I am, I’m awesome” I stop myself. I commit myself to become self-honest with myself as whom and what I am within my direction of and as myself. Because I see, realize and understand that I know when I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a positive energetic experience. As such I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to go into denial and pretend like this is who I am, when in fact what I’m experiencing is the positive polarity of the negative polarity that I’ve accepted as my ‘natural state of mind’ which is why I in this positive experience, experience it as though I’m finally surfacing from having drowning. I see, realize and understand now that I’m not actually ‘surfacing’ – I’m merely experiencing the energy fluctuating from a low to a high. As such I see, realize and understand that actual surfacing is to stop participating in the mind, in energy and come back to this here physical reality and myself within and as the physical.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that it’s good to be positive I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that the positive energetic experiences can’t exist if I didn’t come from a negative energetic experience and as such the positive really comes from the negative and it isn’t really real. The high isn’t a real high when it’s contingent upon the low. I see, realize and understand that real expansion; real change is based on practical self-movement.

I commit myself to stop letting energy control me and be the directive principle of and as me. I see, realize and understand that it will take a process for me to walk through because I’ve made myself dependent upon energy. As such I commit myself to flag point and investigate and identify when and as it is that I’ve stepped into and as an energetic experience of positivity or negativity. I see that it is easier for me to identify positive energetic experiences because it is indeed ‘peak’ experiences whereas negative energetic experiences have become quite a ‘comfort zone’ or natural experience for me. As such I commit myself to also investigate negative experiences that I’ve taken for granted as ‘who I am’ because I see, realize and understand that it is from the negative experiences that I’ve accepted as ‘who I am’ that I’ve made myself want to ‘peak’ as though being positive would sort out the negative. So I commit myself to investigate who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as my relationship to negative energetic experiences so that I can release myself from energy and establish myself here in the physical as a stable and common sensical self-directed human being.

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Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202

Tags: Definition, Energy, Experience, fear, Forgiveness, highs and lows, Mind, peak experiences, Positive energetic experiences, Positive energy, Technology, think positive, Understanding
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Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201

May 1, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this post I will continue from the last post with applying self-forgiveness on positivity specifically in relation to the point of wanting to remain ‘on the high peak’ within and as feeling and believing that when I’m positive, I am ‘more able’ and when I’m negative I am ‘less able’ — something that has pretty much been governing my life and my daily participation rendering me inconsistent because my participation is largely based on whether I’m ‘on the high’ or ‘the low’. As such I’ve also limited my capabilities to be dependent on feeling positive and have thus made myself entirely dependent on energetic experiences to either move myself more or less effectively.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take note of the fact that I’ve stepped into a ‘peak’ experience of positive energy where I feel energized and feel like I can do anything and be anything and that I’ve got tons of energy and in spite of knowing that this is an energetic experience and that it is not real, I’ve gone along anyway because of the experience of myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I otherwise perceive and experience myself as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain on ‘the peak’ because I experience and perceive myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I otherwise am and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can stay in the state of being ‘on the peak’ if I just contain it and hold onto it long enough, even though the same thing happens every time, that I eventually crash and go into neutrality and negativity only to revisit the peak again, holding onto it and crashing in a never-ending pendulum experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can’t remain as or contain or hold onto positive experiences or experiences of being ‘on peak’ because these experiences aren’t based on an actual real living self-expression but on fluctuating and conditional energy that is unbalanced and ungrounded

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into denial when I access a positive experience because although I know that it is an energetic experience through which I’m causing myself to suddenly see and experience myself differently, I deceive myself into believing that it is real and that I’m somehow ‘broken through to the surface, like I’ve accomplished something and finally NOW are ME again, when what I’m experiencing is in fact an experience of superiority in feeling like I am ‘more than’ who and what I usually experience and perceive myself as which is then actually the negative side of the polarity. So it is like: “I’m finally coming through, hell no, if I’m gonna leaves THIS experience, I’m awesome, I can do anything!”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize, understand and acknowledge that who I am when I am ‘on the peak’ is not in fact WHO I AM – certainly not if this experience can be changed at any moment into its total polar opposite because I wanted it so bad to be true, I wanted to be better and I wanted to be more

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that expanding my abilities and my capability, changing how I see and respect and accept myself is not about feeling good or better or more about or than myself – but about practically, physically changing myself both in terms of expanding and not accepting myself to limit myself – but to do so as an actual practical application and self-expression and not as an energetic fluctuation that can change at any moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being positive, feeling positive is in fact good and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify remaining in my experience of positivity because of how I experience and see myself as being able to do more and then think to myself that: “but hey, this is good – I’m good, now I’m getting work done, I’m disciplined and can handle everything and can support everyone in the process.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how me being positive is actually based on my acceptance and experience of myself within and as negativity where I experience myself as ‘less than’, where I’m not directing my own capabilities or abilities but am accepting and allowing myself to exist conditioned to moods and feelings and emotions and thoughts and limitations – so that when I get ‘on the peek’ is like freedom from myself where it feels like I’m free from my limited self, but it is all about a chemical imbalance in my body and mind like being on drugs

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that ‘who’ I am and experience myself as when I am positive is not actually who I am but merely an example as who I am is what is here all the time, constantly and continuously while I’m busy preoccupying myself into and as energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop participating in positive energetic experiences and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop defining myself according to how I experience myself energetically and instead develop myself into and as real, physical and practical application where I decide and live who and what I am as a self-directed self-expression that is constant and continuous and that cannot be waivered or moved by any influence but is simply who I am.

In my next post I’ll commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

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* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Tags: Blame, Energy, Experience, fear, feeling positive, Forgiveness, Mind, negative feelings, peaking, Perception, Positivity, Understanding
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How do I Walk-With instead of Against Myself? DAY 190

March 20, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this post we are continuing to have a look at how one can bring that which one desire in another back to oneself. What was interesting in what we found in the last post is that when I sought a ‘team’ in my agreement with my partner, that he helps and support me and I brought it back to myself, what it revealed was in fact that I have been against myself. Because I’ve been against myself, I’ve created an outward seeking solution instead of turning back to myself and take self-responsibility.

Here’s the previous blogs in the series:

In my last post I more applied self-forgiveness on the fact that I am against myself at all and also on how I’ve searched outside myself for fulfillment and accept. So in this post I’ll more look into how I’ve lived this point of walking against myself.

So these are the points I’ve identified:

1.) Backchat and self-judgment

2.) Self-Sabotage through participating in backchat/urges

3.) Inferiorizing myself within and through backchat to be/do/live inferiorized as less than what I can/could be

So what is interesting to see is how the way that I am walking against with myself is something I first and foremost do through accepting and allowing myself to stand inside myself – against myself. It is a starting-point in and through which I accept and determine ‘who I am’. And as such backchat or inner conversations are the way that I elicit the stance that I’ve already taken towards myself of being against myself. So one could say that the stance is me being against myself and the actions I take through that is how I walk against myself. Something that is quite fucked up about this is that I experience a form of resistance towards opening up this point to myself. It’s crazy that one can fear losing a part of oneself through and within which one has been abusive towards self or others and simultaneously not wanting to free oneself.

I remember being against myself for quite some years. When I look back through my life there were these moments of ‘surfacing’ where I saw what I was doing and how it was detrimental where I decided to support myself instead and those are the moments where I’ve moved exponentially. The rest of the time it is like I’ve been under a spell of self-judgment and diminishment.

I can see how this is a point that at the moment is not entirely specified – meaning that it is huge in terms of the influence and branching out and multi-dimensional layering it has had in my life. So I will return to the last place where I was clear which was the point of looking at what it is I am desiring in my partner and then bring it back to myself.

So then the question would be:

As Who/how am I not living self-help?

As Who/how am I not living self-support?

As Who/how am I not living as a team with/as myself?
So here we’re looking at points that are important to walking this process effectively and that I’ve not been giving to myself absolutely or significantly so.

In my next post I will return and apply self-forgiveness in context to these questions.

Thanks for walking-with.

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* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
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* Quantum Systemization – Preview

How do I Walk With instead of Against Myself? DAY 190

Tags: Backchat, Base on balls, Consciousness, Forgiveness, Mind, Philosophy, Physical body, Youtube
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Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

February 17, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog I am writing out the final self-forgiveness statements on the series about the mind-movement character and in the following blogs I will write out the final self-corrective statements. Subsequently I will begin a new series about relationships. So stay tuned.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Memory – The 2 minute key chain

I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as I was asked by a kindergarten teacher to sit down and make a key chain, to experience this as a punishment and that I had to sit down because they did not like me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I even heard that I had to sit down, to experience anxiety and discomfort within and as myself and an experience of physical irritation as feeling jittery when I saw my friends moving about and I experienced fear of missing out which was actually me resisting being here with and within my own physical body in stillness and silence as that which I was ‘running’ from as I had decided to stay in constant ‘movement’.

Memory – Quiet time for Mom

then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as my mom told me to be quiet to take it personally and react as though I was bad and not good enough because of my ‘lively’ expression – which was actually a cover up for the fact that I feared being silent, being still because I knew that within and as silence and stillness I would face myself as the darkness of my human physical body and that was what I was running away from

Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence

As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards laying in bed at night in silence and darkness because that darkness and silence reminded me of that first reaction to the darkness and silence of being inside my physical body and how I reacted to the fact that I could not move myself out of my body or away from the reactions I was experiencing – which ultimately is what brought me to fantasizing at night before I went to sleep, creating an incubator for backchat

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be petrified of being alone at night in the darkness and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to come up with ideas about witches and monsters that I would fear when in fact what I feared was nothing but the silence and darkness of myself – it was in fact nothing but myself I feared

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insist that I need to have my mom sitting by myself when I am about to fall asleep and when my mom refused to sit there I insisted to have audio cassettes to fall asleep to, to have constant and continuous sound and noise drowning out the silence of my own beingness instead of pushing myself to embrace myself and face myself and investigate the experience of fear I have towards silence and darkness inside myself – all of which has now become automated through the processes of back chat and imagination

Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it

in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘mind-movement character’ that I have created a point of positive identification towards where I have experienced pride towards being someone that is constantly moving around as I now have come to cement and substantiate that this is who I am and who I identify myself as

The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I accepted and allowed myself to develop and identify myself as a ‘moving’ character to develop the character even further where I developed a desire and need for constant movement and speed – where from a survival mechanism that was a reaction to fear I made it into a positive character for example through actively participating in imagination and visualization where I became completely obsessed with being part of the world and having experiences and basically turning myself inside out

Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people

I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define, value and experience ‘life’ as ‘being in the world’ and ‘being part of the world’ specifically as going out and moving oneself in the system specifically turning myself inside out and only ever focusing on what is outside of me and what comes in from the outside and not what is inside of me

Making Mind-Movement into a Religion

We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make mind-movement into a religion where I have made my entire life about turning myself inside out and focusing on everything that is outside myself and putting things and experiences back into myself and not at all or in any way remain inside myself

The return to Darkness is the road to Hell

And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how what I am fearing – what I’ve feared all my life is in fact the return of myself to myself, to the darkness and silence of my human physical body that I’ve attempted to run away from my entire life, not seeing, realizing or understanding how it is me — and how I’ve been here all along and how what I’ve been avoiding to face all along is the responsibility of directing myself, of deciding who I am and of within that embracing myself in realizing that I am the one that decides who I am – which also means that I can change myself

(In the next post I will continue with self-corrective statements.)

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* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
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Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

Tags: addictions, Asphyxia, Bernard Poolman, Desteni, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Embrace (English band), Equal Money System, Experience, fear, Forgiveness, Keychain, Mind, Physical body, Pledge of Allegiance, Reflexive pronoun
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Positivity is Nothing but Momentary Absence of Negativity: DAY 171

February 16, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog I am continuing with the mind-movement character that I started writing out on DAY 159 . I have realized that the mind-movement character is not a character as such but more a pattern or a particular mind-component. With this I mean also that this point of moving oneself from/within/as the mind in fact pertains to the mind in its entirety. I mean everything we do that is based in/on/as the mind such as thinking or fantasizing for example, is the mind ‘moving’. It is then also within and as the mind that we move in the physical. Therefore I’ve also realized that this point is quite humongous and a point that is relevant in any point one would write about – the point where one would move with/within/as the mind instead of moving oneself here in the physical basically. I will write the final parts of the mind-movement character in the coming few blogs and after that I will incorporate the point of moving oneself within and as the mind into my general writings. When and as relevant I will return to the specifics of the mind-movement character’s time-line that I’ve written out in more detail.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

The alternative is that we die – or so we believe

whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from and as myself here in the physical in and as my physical body through/because I started moving myself within and as the mind as a survival strategy/mechanism based on how I interpreted my own reaction to my environment and within that turned against my own body and blamed my body for my experience of discomfort and fear as I started feeling energy inside myself

I am the worst enemy to my own survival

I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I experienced energetic reactions of fear and discomfort inside myself – or actually it was not even fear defined at first, it was simply energy – and I experienced it as an intense physical pressure or invasion on my body similar to how one would react to hearing a loud sharp sound that feels like it is penetrating one’s body – that’s how I felt, so I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and experience my body as an enemy because it was IN the body I was experiencing the discomfort and it was because I was IN the body that I could not move myself away from the experience – instead of realizing, seeing and understanding how I was totally and completely misunderstanding what was going on, as I had already separated myself from myself as the physical and was busy identifying myself as consciousness. This I realize is no different from how I today will look for physical/external solutions to my inner experiences such as moving myself away or using consumption to suppress

Making the Choice to indulge in the world

And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through how I created the mind-movement pattern, to have created a relationship with the physical – both with my environment and with my body of exploiting and abusing the physical, where I saw the physical’s only function as how I could use it to alter and manipulate how I experienced myself inside of myself and how I had come to be suspicious and disconnected from actually being and living here in the physical. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide inside my mind, in and through splitting myself into pieces and compartmentalized individualities through thinking

Demoting myself to non-existent

And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the physical external reality is to blame for how I experience myself inside myself and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience my physical body as a traitor and as weak and inferior and that the mind is powerful and trustworthy in how I’ve been able to use the mind to ‘get away from’ experiences I did not want to experience – never seeing, realizing or understanding how I was creating those experiences in the mind to begin with and how the actual real solution was in fact in the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to annihilate the physical, my body and the environment because that was where I experienced the experiences I did not want to feel – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was experiencing those experiences in the physical body because the physical body is who I am and therefore who I allow myself to be, that which I identify myself as through acceptance and allowance is what I will experience in and as my physical body and as such the physical body is completely innocent as the body is my expression of that which I accept as myself and the body does not exist separate from me. And so in my separating myself from the experiences I was creating inside me as I reacted to my environment, I turned against myself in blaming parts of myself that I was separating myself from

‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ as the ‘solution’ to my survival

I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I decided to turn against myself as the physical and in reacting to the physical to decide to move myself into the world as that which I perceive as the source of my reactions because I could not stand the experiences inside myself and I could not move myself away from them physically and so I made a ‘can’t beat them, join them’ type of survival move where I turned my attention towards my external reality and away from my own physical body and simultaneously also into an inner mental reality

What I want from the Mind is Life

that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I will get out of denying myself as the physical and giving myself into the mind and the external reality is in fact life as I understood the alternative to be agony and darkness inside my physical body, when in fact everything is completely in reverse and the agony I experience is in fact what I’ve done with myself as life, as darkness through my surrendering of myself to the mind and therefore the only way ‘out’ is through the consequence of who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become

My People are My World

I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I ‘got out’ of my inner discomfort and darkness and discovered other people to experience these people as my saviors and almost as angels that took me away from the abyss – not seeing, realizing or understanding that what I was experiencing was not safety or security or love or the wonders of life, but merely a momentary absence of my actual experience of myself – that, even though I suppressed it, was still the bottom of me

How I defined Mind-Movement as Life

But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I pushed my body away I automatically also pushed nature away because in nature we face ourselves as physical, in silence, darkness, physical movement – so ‘the world’ was ONLY that which is endorsed by and reflecting the mind, the primary points being emotional relationships with others and consumption both with the purpose of generating energy.

The Mind is an escape from the Mind itself

And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that I want the world, I want relationships and to push that and experience that as something positive that I’ve focused my entire life on – when the fact of the matter is that my starting point was to escape my actual experience of myself – to get away from something. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how all positive experiences I’ve had was in fact nothing but the ‘absence’ of negativity.

(To be continued)

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* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Positivity is Nothing but Momentary Absence of Negativity: DAY 171

Tags: Asphyxia, Consciousness, Experience, Forgiveness, Infant, Mind, Physical body, Rash
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CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161

January 2, 2013 in Anna's Process Blog

How exactly is it children are socialized or programmed to participate in the world? This is something I am investigating here inadvertedly through my own experiences with the development of the Mind Movement Character.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the previous blog posts I’ve walked thus far:

In this blog post I’ll clarify a bit on the thought Image I wrote about in my last blog post as the image I’ve selected to represent the Mind Movement Character. When I say it is the image I have selected it is because it did not ‘come to me’ as with other characters where it is absolutely obvious what the thought or image representing or comprising the character is. I located this image more through discerning the characteristics of the character in how I’ve been living it. And so since I selected it I’ve been quite doubtful as to whether it is THE image that is relevant for this character. However, when I look at my personal relationship to the image specifically in context to the memory I shared of when I was a baby/small child and I started the mind movement, it was the same/similar motion where I used the darkness/light analogy. I see now how this could explain to some extent why children become afraid of the dark. Because the darkness we’re running away from and avoiding is ourselves, the darkness of being inside one’s own physical body, in the silence of the sound of self. And I see a particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped. I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically. As a side note I can share that according to my mother, I had quite the extreme entry into the world from a certain perspective.

Because when I was born – in a snowstorm by the way – my mom got up, took a shower and then they held a party. And she has explained how I then did not cry but turned my head away from them as if I wanted to be alone. LOL – I realize now that obviously newborn babies can’t turn their heads so either my mother embellished the story or I did in my memory of her telling it. However it still makes sense. I was born into a very loud, chaotic environment which also was a tiny apartment living with my mother and my father who was severely manic at the time of my birth swinging into heavy depression and back and forth during my first few years. So what I am seeing now is that I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. I see how all children do this, because we have no other option. If we were born into the world with functioning legs, we could walk away. But we can’t. Whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die.

This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs. As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape. Had I only realized that it was the other way around and that I could have walked the opposite way, inside myself, I could have saved myself a lot of time. But that is obviously not how we were designed or how we’ve designed ourselves.

And so what do we do? We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

So the bottom line:

I want to move myself in/through/as my mind constantly and continuously so that I don’t have to feel and be in and as the darkness of myself, as my beingness in and as my human physical body. Because that has become my prison where I hold myself completely restrained and locked and limited without any ability to move. But you know what? It is all in reverse. I completely missed the point. Because when I was a baby and I could not move myself away from the noise, that noise and chaos was produced by a world abdicated to the mind, produced by people abdicating their beingness to the mind. And so what I faced as a consequence from the first moment I was born into this world – like everyone else – and which I only registered in some form of awareness, was the fact that I have enslaved myself, in and as the physical – my own life-substance – to the mind. And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move. I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost. I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.

Forming myself as a Con. Forming myself according to the con. Letting the con of the world form me. So my form became the con. The ‘form’ I accepted myself as was the mind. The physical was a mere obstacle, the ‘jail’ I was trapped in as consciousness.

Remember the Q and A I shared in the first blog post?

Q: Why would one be afraid of being here in silence/darkness/stillness with oneself? I experience this as a primary point though I don’t see much reason for it in term of ‘issues’ to sort out. That it is more like a basic point that one simply requires pushing through. Is this so?

A: The Mind plays a nice trick on you with that one – it’s not in fact that you FEAR silence/darkness/stillness, what you’re actually experiencing is an excitement that manifest towards your Mind, cause you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you

So if I bring this back to myself in relation to what it is I’ve been sharing about, that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself. Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died. I have absolutely no background in concluding this, it simply makes sense to me. But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch. And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options. And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself. And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clearcut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself. And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison. Boy was I wrong. But I still only see it ‘intellectually’ – meaning that even though I now see this, I am still not living it. My entire life is build up around this one single point of making sure that I am constantly moving myself, in/through and as the mind. So is going to be a process to walk myself back to the darkness of myself. But that is exactly why I am writing out these blogs.

So in my next blog post I will continue with self-forgiveness on the image/thought of shooting through the universe, specifically with integrating the writings I’ve shared today into my self-forgiveness and in general this writing will be the base as I write the point out.

Thanks for walking-with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161

Tags: Bernard Poolman, Child development, Consciousness, Desteni, Desteni Group, development of a self, Dimension, Ego (spirituality), Home, Mind, Mother, Physical body, Prison, Self-Development, Socialization
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The Gift of Projection is a Self-Honest Mirror: 157

December 21, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

The last couple of days I have been writing my blogs by myself without publishing them. The point of self-forgiveness I will be sharing here is about reacting to something in another that is in fact about myself. I have continued and I will continue focusing on the point of accepting what comes up within and as the mind as real because that is an important point in terms of making the distinction and accordingly direct oneself to not participate in the thoughts, backchats and experiences that comes up. I also have and will continue to focus on the point of participation and who I am within how I participate in my world and my reality because that is definitely a primary point I am facing. So both of these points are integrated into and considered in the self-forgiveness I share here.

I am continuing from the following posts:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a constant experience of anger towards another for not taking care of practical things the way that I see they should do so and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame and fear another for what I perceive as them being egotistical

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully integrate within to and as myself the understanding that when I react I am seeing myself and therefore when I react to what I perceive my another doing, I am actually reflecting my own relationship with myself onto another where I am the one that is egotistical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny the fact that specific actions I take and points I allow to exist within and as me is self-interested and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself in and as those points as though it doesn’t exist and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subsequently project who I am onto another as representing outside and separate from me and then go into an entire time loop of blaming and judging and being angry at them when in fact it is myself I am angry at

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and judge and blame myself for what I perceive as me being egotistical instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only be angry at myself if I am in separation with myself, meaning that one part of me is looking at another part of me – because otherwise, I would simply see the point of self-compromise, abuse and deception and immediately move myself to self-correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately move myself to self-correction and that I have instead bullied myself and bullied my another and been angry at myself within and as expecting more of myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I already know/knew that who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become in/as/through my abdication of myself to the mind and therefore when I see who I am in and as self-interest, it should not surprise me or bring me to judge myself because I already knew that this was who/what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become and thus the fact that I get angry at myself is showing me that I either have had expectations to myself that were self-delusional/deceptive in terms of denying who I’ve become as the mind and/OR that I am actually well aware of what I am doing and thus compromising myself deliberately in self-abdication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger, self-judgment and blame to deliberately manipulate myself and distract myself from actually doing what is required to be done within and as moving myself immediately to a point of correction and change where I through this emotional reaction take what I do personally as though ‘this is not who I am’ or ‘this is not whom I’m supposed to be’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that who and what I am in and as self-interest is exactly whom I’ve been since I abdicated myself to the mind and therefore I can’t really expect myself to be something else and as such I see how I’ve blown the point out of proportion in terms of deceiving myself into believing that I am a good and righteous human being

I see, realize and understand that I can only change myself through embracing myself in saying: “this is what is, this is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so be it – now I’ll change.” Meaning that it is not complicated – it is simply a matter of recognizing and accepting that this is so and then change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I get angry at myself because I am in and as self-deception and where the recognition of who I am in and as self-interest is seeing as ‘tainting’ towards my ‘self-righteous self’ meaning that part where I am pretending like I am not existing in self-interest SO that I can live in self-interest without standing responsible for the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and to blame, judge and recent myself because I know that what I am accepting and allowing – in terms of not applying myself to the fullest of my capabilities – is not best for all not seeing, realizing or understanding that within and as judging, blaming and being angry at myself I am also tacitly implying and accepting that ‘this is who I am’ and that ‘I can’t change’ instead of simply and immediately as I see what it is I am accepting and allowing to be honest with/within/as myself and move to and within the simplicity of applying corrective action in terms of writing, self-forgiveness and directively changing my behavior through breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept ‘who I am’ within and as my participation in self-interest and deliberately not applying myself to the fullest of my potential and capabilities specifically through separating myself from myself and as such hiding from and within myself thus creating an internal conflict because I am living on a lie pretending that I am something that I am not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny myself as how and as who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in terms of deliberately not applying myself to the fullest of my potential in making excuses and justifications and deceive myself to justify acting in self-honesty – so that I don’t have to face myself in self-honesty and so that I don’t have to stand accountable or self-responsible and so I don’t have to face the consequences and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that there is no way to escape consequences and suppressing oneself with only make a point grow in the shadows without one’s control because one has abdicated oneself to the point in refusing to take self-responsibility for oneself in and as it and have therefore made oneself less than the point which gives the point power over oneself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-control and direction to self-interest and backchat and desire for stimulation and fear through abdicating my self-responsibility for myself as that desires and fear and as such making myself less than the desire and fear thus giving it control over me and as me making it my directive principle and thus making myself a slave to fear and desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason why I have lived in self-interest and why I have not applied myself to the fullest of my potential, is because that is what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and because I separated myself from myself as the creator of myself and abdicated self-responsibility for accepting and allowing myself to live in self-interest, I made myself powerless towards self-interest and gave self-interest a ‘life of its own’ in spite of the fact that it was always just me here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that there is no practical, physical, common-sensical reason for me and that it is not normal to live according to self-interest as fear and desire where I am only directing myself according to the experiences and thoughts that comes up within me and where I’ve got absolutely no self-directive will or principled application as this way of living and this self that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to become is abusive and delusional and is destructive towards life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry, frustrated and to blame and judge another for what I perceive as them being egotistical and inconsiderate as acting in self-interest within and towards practical reality when in fact what I am doing is mirroring myself onto them as a reflected projection because if I were truly seeing who they were within and as their participation I would see them as an equal and I would be able to support them as an equal, but since I am taking their actions personally in creating a personal interpretation of their actions and intents and motives, what I am seeing and experiencing has nothing to do with the other person and only with myself as that which I am showing myself through the reflection I am projecting onto the other person

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* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

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* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

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The Gift of Projection is a Self Honest Mirror: 157

Tags: Anger, Bernard Poolman, Blame, Day 21, Desteni, Desteni I Process, Equal Money System, Experience, Forgiveness, Mind, Perception, relationship
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Back to Breath (Day 19 of 21) Fear Protects Self-Interest: DAY 151

December 2, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this post I am writing out the (for now) final self-commitment and self-corrective statements on my fear of being here that I have identified as being manifested through my constant experience of having an urge to move myself about. This mostly happens as I sit and work on my computer, which also means that it mostly happens when I am doing things towards which I experience resistance, such as studying or working on my Desteni I Process course assignments. However I also see how my mother has lived the same pattern as she would also constantly be moving about constantly being ‘busy’. I see how a specific part of this ‘moving about’ pattern is to remain in a constant state of ‘busyness’ ‘buzzedness’ within one’s body – a constant tension towards looking within the mind at ‘what’s next’ – “what’s the next moment I gotta move myself to” – is the excuse. But it is really just an idea, because we’re not speaking about an actual busyness of being at work for example and having to physically hurry to get something done. As such I’ve also identified that it is a defense-mechanism, using busyness as an excuse. So far so good. Now – in this blog post I will be walking the final parts of the self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

Here are the previous posts in the series:

If you’ve not yet read the posts in the series, here they are:

21 DAY Commitment: (Day 1) Bringing Myself Back to Breath: DAY 133

Back to Breath (Day 2 of 21) MY “ME” IS MADE OF MEMORIES: DAY 134

Back To Breath (Day 3 of 21) There is only Room for One Here: DAY 135

Back To Breath (Day 4 of 21) Deliberate Cognitive Distortions: DAY 136

Back to Breath (Day 5 of 21) Social Engineered Mind Authority: DAY 137

Back to Breath (Day 6 of 21) Getting Off The Mental Hamster Wheel: DAY 138
Self-Forgiveness

Back to Breath (Day 7 of 21) Chasing Projections: DAY 139

Back to Breath (Day 8 of 21) Clarifying the Starting-Point: DAY 140

Back to Breath (Day 9 of 21) Not Good Enough as an Excuse Not to Change: DAY 141

Back to Breath (Day 10 of 21) I’m More in My Mind than in Life: DAY 142

Back to Breath (Day 11 of 21) Just Do What Makes You Happy! 143

Back to Breath (Day 12 of 21) The Happiness Doctrine: DAY 144

Back to Breath (Day 13 of 21) Pursuing Happiness: DAY 145

Back To Breath (Day 14 of 21) Happiness is a Warm Gun: DAY 146

Back to Breath (Day 15 of 21) Is What Makes you Happy also What’s Best for you? DAY 147

Back to Breath (Day 16 of 21) Fear of Being Here: DAY 148

Back to Breath (Day 17 of 21) The Messy Room Analogy: DAY 149

Back to Breath (Day 18 of 21) How to stop Running Away from Oneself: DAY 150

When and as I see that ‘oops, I am doing something that I am not supposed to do’, I stop doing what I am doing, I breathe and I return to what I am supposed to be doing. Because I see, realize and understand that I within that moment am already ‘gone’ from the perspective that I’ve already accepted and allowed myself to activate the thoughts and the urge and have followed it and from that perspective that it is too late. Yet at the same time, I also see, realize and understand that because this is a pattern that have become so ingrained and automated to the point where I notice that I am doing something that I am not supposed to do and have even made myself ‘unaware’ (as in deliberately ignore) the fact that I am busy following an ‘urge’ (i.e – deliberately separating myself from here) – I require stopping it at all levels of participation, from thought, to experience to action. And so I commit myself to firmly and gently direct myself back here to the point that I am supposed to be focusing on. And to assist and support myself to do this, I commit myself to, in the evening before I go to rest, to write out a schedule for the following day’s tasks, so that the things I am supposed to do are not just random points in my mind as ‘oh right I have to do that…’ but that it is actual agreements of responsibility that I make with myself. So I commit myself to – no matter how tired I am when I am about to go to rest, to write out the following days schedule.

When and as I see a thought popping up in my mind as an image of food or coffee or some form of practical project followed by a backchat popping up in my mind where I say to myself in and as an internal conversation “Oh right, there is also that point that I have to do” – I stop and I breathe and I simply stop participating in the backchat simply identifying it for what it is and then I continue doing what I am doing. Because I see, realize and understand that the only way I’ll be able to stop this pattern, is by stopping at the level of thought, where the thought pops up/activates and to simply not participate.

When and as I see that I am debating with myself in my mind, in internal conversation as backchat where I am deliberately convincing myself of how following the urge to move and do something is in fact sound – I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that the fact that I have to use manipulation against myself and debate with myself clearly show that what I am busy with is shady and not sound at all, or I’d direct myself immediately in certainty. The same goes for the fact that I’m making myself ‘unaware’ of what I’m doing which clearly shows that my intentions are not self-honest. So therefore I commit myself to stop debating with myself and to stop deceive myself into following urges through debating with myself in my mind. So as soon as I notice that I am carrying out an internal conversation in my mind, I stop. And I breathe.

When and as I direct myself to remain here instead of following an urge and I see that I am experiencing fear as an ‘inner itch’ of irritation and anxiousness, I stop the experience and I breathe here into and as my physical body in stabilizing myself. Because I see, realize and understand that the urge to move I’ve become addicted to is in fact based on a fear of being here within and as myself and more specifically within and as the particular point I am facing in the moment through which I’ve used fear as a defense mechanism so as to not have to face myself here. And so immediately in the moment I face a point I don’t want to face that I experience resistance towards, I’ll activate the fear as the physical experience of uncomfortability and ‘itching’ and from there I’ll activate the thought as an image through which I’ll activate the experience of an urge as a desire to go somewhere and do something else and through this I’ll activate the backchat where I’ll convince myself that it’s a good idea that I move myself and lastly I’ll actually follow the urge and move myself away from here. And as such I’ve ‘successfully’ prevented myself from facing myself, until next time. Because as I have established in all clarity: I can’t escape myself. There is no escape. And so I commit myself remain consistent within stopping myself from following urges and I commit myself to face and embrace myself within and as the fear of being here within and as myself.

I commit myself to face myself in and as the points that I experience resistance towards facing – so that when I am sitting here and working on my thesis or are writing or doing an assignment and I see that an experience of resistance is coming up – instead of activating the ‘urge to move’ pattern – I remain here and I look myself straight in the “I” that I am facing myself as. And I embrace whatever it is I don’t want to face and I walk through it – either immediately through breathing through the experience or if I see that it is required, I schedule a writing for myself where I can write the point out and walk through it and as such direct it immediately and align myself to directing myself here without fear or resistance.

When and as I see that I am participating within and as mind busyness where I am running inside my mind from point to point exactly as I do in my daily participation – I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that this is exactly the same as running away from myself through physically moving myself and as such I commit myself to stop participating within and as mind-busyness and I commit myself to support myself through diligently focus on breathing myself here. And I commit myself to bring myself back to breath in every moment, so that when and as I see that I am not here breathing, I direct myself gently and firmly back to breath here.

I commit myself to stop endorsing and participating in self-defense mechanisms where what and who I protect myself as, is the mind. Because I now see, realize and understand that protecting myself as the mind, is protecting myself as an illusion that has the consequence of me existing as an abuser manifesting abuse, separation, inequality and suffering in myself, in my relationship with others and in the world as a whole. I see, realize and understand that I don’t need or require self-defense mechanisms to live or exist here effectively – and in fact that I can only live and exist effectively here once I stop self-defense-mechanisms of the mind.

Thanks for walking-with.

What I will write about in my next post, we will find out.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Suggest reading Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

Back to Breath (Day 19 of 21) Fear Protects Self Interest: DAY 151

Tags: Audio engineering, Breath, Cognitive Distortion, Forgiveness, Happiness is a warm gun, Happy!, Health, Mind
6 Comments »

Back to Breath (Day 15 of 21) Is What Makes you Happy also What’s Best for you? DAY 147

November 24, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog post I am writing the final part of the self-corrective and self-commitment statements that I started with on DAY 143 on how I’ve been living according to the sentence “do what makes you happy” as a religious doctrine in my life. When I started this series on the desire to have an easy life and this point came through, I was not even aware to the extent that this doctrine had played a part in how I’ve lived my life. It is actually quite astounding to consider how we’re being introduced to specific values from our parents and our environment as children that we completely come to take for granted and newer question. For me as a person who’s not grown up in a religious home, I’ve looked at religious people and thought them to be foolish for so easily allowing themselves to be indoctrinated, but I never considered or questioned how I’ve learned religious doctrines as well – how everyone in fact does, whether the god they’re introduced to is called “Allah” or “God” or “Happiness”. And everyone knows the god called “Fear”. But the pointed I wanted to make is how we take these values and doctrines for granted as universal truths to such an extent that we’re not even aware that we are living according to them and might even have completely contradicting values or beliefs but still live out these childhood doctrines, because that which we learn in childhood affects us differently than when we get older. I remember for example how I would take everything I saw or heard very seriously and how I would literally imprint it into me as being important, every sound, every smell, every sight. And for years I would interpret my environment according to these first memories, how such a house that looks like this makes me feel this way and how when the clouds look like that, I get this experience. It was not in fact until I started participating with Desteni that I began questioning all of this and in particular stopped these ‘magical ‘relationships towards specific seasons and weather phenomena and now after four years I realized that we’re only barely getting started. Because as every single thing we saw or heard as a child has made such an impact on us as this sentence did on me, we’ve got quite a path ahead of us in terms of untangling ourselves from this web of memories that we’ve come to define ourselves according to. For further perspective on this, I recommend checking out the Eqafe store and all the interviews and interview series that are available there, because it is most definitely the kind of education that one does not get anywhere else on this planet.

I suggest to read the previous posts before reading this post for context of what I will be walking:

Back to Breath (Day 11 of 21) Just Do What Makes You Happy! 143

Back to Breath (Day 12 of 21) The Happiness Doctrine: DAY 144

Back to Breath (Day 13 of 21) Pursuing Happiness: DAY 145

I also suggest reading the following series by Sunette Spies on happiness.

SELF-CORRECTIVE AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

When and as I see that I am experiencing a want, need and desire to do something towards which I’ve associated a positive energetic experience wherein I believe that if I do this thing I will be happy, I stop. I breathe and stop the energetic experience. Because I now see, realize and understand that I can’t trust that through which I produce a positive energetic experience inside myself to also be what is best for me and best for all. And I see, realize and understand that I’ve accepted positive energetic experiences as that which makes me happy as the meaning of life – as that which gives life meaning which is why I’ve been following positive energetic experiences like a religious slave – instead of stopping up and asking myself whether or not that which I want to do also is that which is best for me and best for all. So I commit myself to ask myself when and as I experience a want, need or desire towards doing something or participating within some activity – to simply assess in common sense self-honesty whether or not this is also what is best for me and best for all and so I commit myself to when and as I see that it is not best for me or best for all, to disengage myself from the positive energetic experience relationship I’ve created towards the particular point or activity in realizing that positive energetic experience/happiness does not mean that I HAVE to do it and that I will suffer consequences if I don’t – quite the contrary.

When and as I see that I am experiencing an experience of wanting to stay the hell away from something that I’ve created a negative energetic relationship with where I will justify within my mind as backchat in any and all ways possible to back the hell away – to stop and breathe and stop participating in this experience. Because I see, realize and understand that this is simply the polarity of ‘do what makes you happy’ as the starting-point of this desire is a fear of having a meaningless, boring, enslaved life where I’ve associated anything that is difficult or not easy to a negative energetic experience of resistance because of this fear. So I commit myself to walk through this resistance with open eyes and to stop deceiving myself deliberately in that moment through coming up with excuses and justifications for why it is best if I don’t push through this resistance.

When and as I see that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify not pushing through a point I am resisting where I see that I’ve already walked through the backdoor and now are experiencing a ‘relief’ as though I’ve dodged a bullet, I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that the only thing I am doing is deceiving myself and being happy about effectively having deceived myself to not have to go through the point of resistance which I see, realize and understand is utter stupidity. And so I commit myself to stop feeling relieved about having deceived myself and I commit myself to stop deceiving myself into believing that I am acting in self-integrity when I don’t push through resistance – because I see, realize and understand that it is in fact the exact opposite where I am compromising my own self-integrity through not pushing through resistance.

When and as I see that I am participating in an experience of feeling happy when I am doing something that comes easy to me, or where I feel specifically ‘not happy’ when I am doing something that do not automatically come easy to me, I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve deceived myself into believing that I should only do that which I experience as easy, because I don’t feel happy when I have to do something that I experience as hard and difficult and within this I see, realize and understand that I have missed out on so many opportunities to develop skills or get to know someone else and even of getting to know myself because of this self-deceptive belief. So I commit myself to stop and delete the relationship I’ve created between happiness and things being easy and positive energetic experiences and its polarity of not feeling happy and things being hard and negative energetic experiences. And I commit myself to develop stamina and endurance towards pushing through points that are not easy to begin with, because I’ve seen, realized and understood that things being difficult does not mean that they are bad and negative energetic experiences does not mean to keep away from a point, but in fact to stop the experience and embrace the point I am experiencing as difficult so as to get to know myself in and as it and similarly with positive energetic experiences, I commit myself to remove this conditioning so that I can get to know such points without the influence of energies and thus as an expression of myself that I decide whether or not I will participate within based on a common sense consideration in self-honesty of what is best for me and best for all within the moment.

I commit myself to show that happiness as it is being promoted in advertisements, in families, in schools and in spiritual communities, is NOT actual happiness, because actual happiness would be an expression of who we are that manifests itself into physical reality to benefit for all human beings and life as a whole and NOT a positive energetic experience that one can use to justify how one only care about oneself.

I’ve not yet decided what I will write about in my next post – so stay tuned and find out!

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Back to Breath (Day 15 of 21) Is What Makes you Happy also Whats Best for you? DAY 147

Tags: Desteni, Doctrine, Energy, Experience, Happiness, Meaning of life, Mind, Sunette Spies
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21 DAY Commitment: (Day 1) Bringing Myself Back to Breath: DAY 133

October 28, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Before continuing with my blog posts on my relationships towards males, I’ve decided to stop for a moment and walk a point that I see requires immediate direction. I will thus continue with the other series at another point. At the same time I am in my Danish blog, currently walking a series of writings about procrastination in relation to my studies and daily activities. So within what I’ve been experiencing over the last month with anger and procrastination and my general participation, I have decided to walk a 21 day writing series on bringing myself back to breath. Because as I walk my daily participation, this is one point that I see as pivotal as to why and how I allow myself to participate in thoughts, back-chat (as internal conversations in my mind) and in emotional reactions and experiences. This is a basic point that we’re walking at Desteni, of realizing that we’ve been living in alternate realities in our mind that is in fact an illusion – and as much as I understand this, I also see how I’ve continuously allowed myself to believe and value what comes up in and through the mind and thus how I’ve endorsed myself as the mind. This is why I’ve now decided to walk this 21 day series of bringing myself back to breath. To be clear: I am not saying that I will or will not do this in 21 days. That is simply a point of support in placing a clear commitment to walk such a point for self. I will thus walk these writings in 21 posts, but it will not be 21 consecutive days as I am writing in my Danish blog every other day.

I am inspired by the following blog series, one by Gian Robberts also on bringing oneself back to breath and another by Misfits Journey to Life on bringing self back to self-equality. To learn about the process of walking a 21 day commitment, please listen to the following interview called 21 days to Self-Freedom.

The basic points that I will be walking in this series is based on the understanding as scripted in Heaven’s Journey to Life by Sunette Spies as follows:

“What/who are we, if we do not even have directive-principle, will or choice in ILLUSION as the alternate-reality/existence of ourselves within the Mind, where all of ourselves as the characters we create/manifest/construct in our Minds is automated by/through Consciousness as a multitude of alternate versions of ourselves in separation from our equality and oneness with and as our beingness, the physical-body and so this physical existence?

As long as we accept and allow this relationship of separation within and between the two realities as the Mind and the Physical that is currently existent within a parasitic relationship as energy consume/reverse substance/life into and as evil as the reverse we’ve been creating in energy/mind’s relationship to substance/physicality: nothing will/can change within this existence. As we must take responsibility for both realities as energy/mind and substance/physicality as it is ourselves we’ve split ourselves into and lost directive-principle of and as within and as that split/separation of the awareness of ourselves in equality and oneness.

And thus, is the process of walking writing, self forgiveness and self-corrective application as the Mind and the Physical-Body, as energy and as substance; taking responsibility for both realities as ourselves to align ourselves from the split of awareness into two realities, to merge here with the actual real reality as the Physical/this Physical Existence as substance as the actual origin/starting-point of ourselves within existence. To in this, stop the accepted and allowed consequential relationship between the Mind and the Physical, and really in fact LIVE HERE in establishing our living in taking responsibility for ourselves, our physicals, each other and this physical-existence as a whole.” - Sunette Spies

So hereby I will be writing the introductory post to this series with consecutive self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements so as to utilize these 21 days to bring myself back to breath. I’ve got no specific plan as to what each blog post will be about , so I will simply share what is here in the moment as I write that I see is the most relevant in terms of bringing myself back to breath.

From a certain perspective, I would say that my ‘biggest problem’ is that I believe and accept whatever comes up through/as/within the mind – whether it is thoughts as images or it is backchat as internal conversations or if it is emotional reactions, as ‘who I am’. And through this acceptance of myself as the mind – thus also as the mind only – my actions and living and participation will be as follows, based on ‘who’ and what I am within and as each of these dimensions of the mind. Through my direct participation and validation of what comes up in/through/as the mind, I thus endorse myself as the mind. Every time a thought comes up and I follow it, believing and accepting it to be ‘who I am’ in assigning it value, I ‘make it real’ which means that I (either immediately or eventually) live according to this thought. It is thus the thought/backchat/experience – as beliefs/ideas/fears/desires for example through which I am directing myself in my daily participation – instead Breath. Instead of me bringing myself back here to the physical, in and as my physical body, in, through and as breath. I get it, but I don’t get it. Because if I’d gotten it, I would apply it. Or rather and that is what is dubious: I get it, but I don’t care or I get it but I pretend like I don’t. And I see that participating in the mind, validating the mind as real, is something that requires constant participation, even though this participation has become automated. What does it mean to bring myself back to breath? Why am I doing it? Because I can see, that ‘who’ I allow myself to be and live as through my direct and deliberate participation in/as/through the mind, is a person that is not standing for/as what is best for all. It is a person that only cares about themselves, ‘themselves’ as limited desires for entertainment and experiences and ‘no care in the world’ – wanting to live and exist in an infinite morphine-sleep of fairytales and pastel-dreams. It is a person that is abusive and that knows it and does not care. And whether I live and act this person – as myself – as who I am – out full-fetched without denial or in a moral struggle with myself in/as the mind – that is the basic gist of it. And so I see that the only way for me to become a person of decency and dignity and trust and self-trust – is through bringing myself back to breath and to stop placing my value and trust in the mind. Because I see, that only through breathing effectively, which is to bring myself back to the physical and also slow myself down, can I effectively direct myself as the mind and make decisions as to who I am.

Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear publishing and sharing this point of bringing myself back to breath within and as participating in a belief, idea and expectation towards myself that I should have already brought myself back to breath and thus fear that others will judge me for not already having brought myself back to breath, within and as projecting my judgment towards myself based own belief, idea and expectation towards myself that I should have already brought myself back to breath, onto others, inside my mind

When and as I see that I am participating in fear of being judged by others based on the belief, idea and expectations that I’ve created within and as myself that I should have already brought myself back to breath – I stop. I Breathe and I bring myself back here to my commitment to myself of bringing myself back to breath.

Because I see, realize and understand that it is not others that are judging me that I fear or react towards – it is my own judgment towards and within the idea, belief and expectation that I’ve created towards myself that I should have brought myself back to breath already. I also see, realize and understand that since it is me in my mind fearing how others will respond; it has nothing to do with anyone else. At the same time, I also see, realize and understand that the fact that I fear how others will see me within me sharing this point, shows me that I’ve created an image of myself in my mind of being more – or supposed to be more than who and what I am here. I also see, realize and understand that I have not made this commitment to walk this point for 21 days for anyone else or for anyone to see or not see me a particular way. I am making this commitment for myself and I am walking this writing for myself to support myself.

So I commit myself to stop participating in fear towards others judging me based on the belief, idea and expectation that I’ve created towards myself and projected onto others as outside and separate from me, that I should have already brought myself back to breath.

I commit myself to walk this 21 days of writing for myself to support myself in bringing myself back to breath and I commit myself to be humble towards the point of bringing myself back to breath as I see, realize and understand that at the moment, this is a vital point of self-support for me to walk.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a belief, idea and expectation that I should have already brought myself back to breath and as such that by me exposing that I have not already walked myself back to breath, through sharing this point of writing, I am ‘losing image’ as what I’ve projected onto others – meaning, in the eyes of others.

When and as I see that I am participating within and as a belief, idea and expectation towards myself that I should have already brought myself back to breath – I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that within and as this belief, idea and expectation, I’ve created an idea, belief and expectation towards myself of being and supposed to be ‘more than’ who and what I am here within and as my practical application, where I’ve not seen, realized and understood that the point of bringing myself back to breath is a decision I’ve either made or not made and that I can only walk accordingly as I make the decision, breath by breath and so if and as I have not brought myself back to breath, it is because I have decided not to – and not because I am not living up to an idea, belief or expectation of myself. I also see, realize and understand that within and as seeing the point of bringing myself back to breath from a starting-point of a belief, idea and expectation towards ‘where’ and ‘who’ and ‘how’ I should be, I am in fact separating myself from the practical process of bringing myself back to breath and are making the point of bringing myself back to breath, something more than what it in fact is as a practical application.

So – I commit myself to stop participating in the idea, belief and expectation that I am supposed to already have brought myself back to breath and I commit myself to stick to the practical application of walking this point HERE with myself, through these writings and through practically changing myself – and not through, within or as my mind as an idea, belief and expectation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that it is not the eyes of others in which I fear ‘losing image’ but in the eyes of myself as the image of myself as being ‘more than’ that I have created and participated within and as in my mind of expecting and believing myself to have ‘gotten further in my process’ based on an idea that I have created of what it means to walk process and who I am in walking process and also within a specific idea of the time it takes to walk process

When and as I see that I am participating within and as a fear of ‘losing image’ – I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that I can only ‘lose’ an image if I have created an image as an idea and expectation towards myself in my mind as ‘more than’, which, as it only exists in and through my mind, is not real. I also see, realize and understand that I am not an image, as an image is a snapshot/still shot that might look or appear perfect (like models in an advertisement) but that has nothing to do with real life practical moving reality and thus I cannot and will not ever be able to ‘live up to’ the idea of an image of myself in my mind as it is just that: an image. And I also see, realize and understand that there is absolutely no point in having or maintaining ‘an image’ in the eyes of others or of myself of me being ‘more than’ who or what I am here or of me as ‘having changed’ in for example having brought myself back to breath – because the ‘proof is in the pudding’ as who and what I am here in fact in my practical living participation and that is the only place where change is relevant and possible. I have either changed or I have not. And if I have, I know and if I have not, I also know.

So – I commit myself to stop participating in fear of losing my image of myself as being ‘more than’ in the eyes of others (as a projection in my mind) or in the eyes of myself. And I commit myself to stop participating in a desire and a belief that I must ‘maintain my image’. I commit myself to stop presenting myself as an image of and as being ‘more than’ who and what I am here. I commit myself to walk this process of bringing myself back to breath in humbleness and to bring myself back to the humbleness that is required for me to in fact assist and support myself to bring myself back to breath.

In my next post – I will continue with DAY 2.