Social Survival Autopilot System

September 7, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I looked forward to starting in school age6. Coming there was quite the shock to me. I had been looking forward to begin to learn and now I was one of the big kids and instead I found myself way down the food chain. I had been more or less comfortable with myself and with my expression before that, but starting in school brought a whole new bitter level to life. I was alone and I was in the world now. The overall basic experience since then, was that life was a fight. I wanted to be taken serious by my teachers and by the older students. At the same time, I wanted to be accepted by my peers. At some point I started getting teased for the clothes I was wearing. I started becoming self-conscious, but the point of fashion was no where near my mind at that stage. The basic experience was that I simply didn’t get it. One of the most prominent memories is of a situation, where I am around 8-9 years old and standing in a group in break time. I wanted to participate in the conversation, but I constantly found that I did not have the ‘flow’ of humor. I would say things at the wrong time and everyone would stare at me or I would say something ‘off-beat’ and they would laugh. I decided then and there that no matter what I would learn the ‘timing’ of a social conversation. What is also interesting is that I was not preoccupied with the content at all, which is probably why I did not ‘get it’ in the first place – because I was focused on the structure, who was standing where, where was I standing, who was leaving, who listened? Stuff like that. Many years later, timing and saying the right things at the right time, became my force at to some extend ‘real’, but simply in the matter that I finally ‘automated’ it to a personality – specifically developed and designed with the purpose of fitting into a group. At bit later, when the point of boys opened up for real, I was constantly afraid that the boy would not find me cool enough. Interesting that I had not quite gotten the point about looks at that stage. And I found myself entirely submissive to the boys that I liked – I was in any way un-worthy and had to do everything in my power to ‘earn’ their attention. It was my job, my life-challenge. Then after they gave in and actually fell in love or committed themselves, I lost interest. It was always about the fight. My own integrity and well-being was virtually non-existing. I did not care about myself. For a long time I literally thought that there was something wrong with me, because I did not have a sense of humor. I did not seem to have the inter-action level that other people had, where they were enjoying themselves – I was in a state of self-consciousness and interested in the mechanisms that made social situations work. I was interested in the structure of these situations and it made it difficult for me to participate and it was something that took me years to learn to a somewhat satisfying degree. Playing with another child just the two was easier for me than being in a group because it was always more occupied with the dynamics of the group than what was happening. The reason why this is relevant, is because I both at work and in school have noticed that I ‘change’ – I go into a type of survival mode, where I shut Self-Honesty and Self-Awareness off and simply focus on being liked and being seen as cool. I also learned to Suppress myself within an experience of pushing myself forward/surviving A side-note that is fascinating here is that some people actually pick up on this and thus it back-fires on me, but others do not and accept my picture-presentation. It also seems that the one’s that do not are generally people (mostly men) that are more reserved and self-sufficient, not as occupied with fitting into the group, basically more self-honest people and those are the people I want to impress the most, which is quite impossible. The others are more likely people who have their own or the same point and therefore participate. I will dress according to this. I will eat according to this. I will speak a certain way, do my job a certain way and participate in school activities a certain way – all of it is obviously happening within a make-belief world in my mind, all though some is also taken place on a interactionistic level, where others participate and influence and are influenced. Another point within this that has been prominent is the split between men and women , wherein I have been focused on boys and then men – what I see now is that I had the impression that boys were cool, when they seemed self-sufficient, self-confident and thus I believed that if I could get a boy like that, I would be in the lime-light with him and I needed to get the best boy, the one that were best at this. (he would be the one that were best at surviving socially as well as physically). This is not as specified anymore, although I experience certain reactions to certain impressions in me of expressions.

Scenario at work where this played out:
I want them to respect me and take me serious – so I tell them that I don’t smoke or drink and that I have to get home to work on this NGO (Desteni)
Then I fear that they will not find me cool because I don’t drink and that is threatening their drinking. They might think that I think I am better than them (which I have) and so I stayed even though I wanted to go home

Beliefs/definitions/constructs based on this:
I cannot trust myself
Life cannot be trusted
Others cannot be trusted
I have to fight to survive
I am in a competition with others
I am an idiot – no one must know – I have to become cool
I am cool
I have to learn how to time and be intelligent to survive

Experiences/Consequences
Fear of being exposed as ‘off’/stupid
Confirming/bullying myself in being an idiot
Cannot relax and be myself without the level of Self-Consciousness
Compromising Self-Honesty to fit it/be liked – not be laughed at
Not Accepting myself – Always chasing others
Not caring for anything or anyone
Suppressing my actual experience

1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept that there was/is something ‘wrong’ with me, because I did not fall naturally into conversations and social events
2. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize, see and consider that everyone has this experience of it not being natural and thus that it is not defining or describing me in any way
3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in being ashamed of myself when I was not ‘timed’ and ‘flowing naturally’ in conversations with others and instead was preoccupied with how I felt and with what was going on a ‘Resonant’ level
4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to secretively define myself as ‘better than’ the others for ‘seeing behind the scene’ , when in fact I did as everyone else did and do, gave into the situation and let the system run – none of us was ‘there’ – it as all system
5. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as ‘a freak’ and as being ‘over sensitive’ (someone else’s expression) towards social situations and for taking things way to serious
6. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as ‘an idiot’ and as ‘not cool’ because timing and humor did not come ‘naturally’ to me and therefore having Accepted that there was something wrong with me
7. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was the only one experiencing myself like this, ‘uncomfortable’ and ‘unnatural ‘ in these social situations specifically in groups, when in fact everyone (or most) have this experience, with it being based on Survival and being Fake as a System
8. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be authentic and in believing that who I was when I was Honest and Authentic was/is ‘an idiot’
9. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself as ‘an idiot’
10. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Suppress myself and to Submit myself to Surviving by being Fake, based on the experience of the shock of coming to school unconditionally, looking forward to learn and be in the world and then experiencing the dog eat dog world of competition and comparison
11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept competition as a Base-Line experience/condition of Existing
12. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself to compete with others
13. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear and resent break time and lunch break, because it has been within those situations where I did not know what to do with myself, where I felt pressure to ‘perform’ specified in making friends, having fun and becoming popular, all to ensure my own survival in the system and to rectify myself as ‘an idiot’ as ‘wrong’ as ‘a freak’
14. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself only according to my experience of myself in a competitive social situation of being ‘off’ and ‘inadequate’ as well the experience I had of myself when I was being bullied and teased for how I was dressed
15. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as uncomfortable and uneasy in social situations, specifically in groups of peers and for having experienced, defined, judged and Accepted that there is ‘something wrong’ with me because of this experience
16. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to feel comfortable and natural in these group situations
17. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that everyone else was participating authentically, naturally and comfortably in these group-situations, instead of realizing that most people have the same experience as me, and that by not sharing and challenging these experiences, we allow ourselves and each other to be trapped in them – as fake faces
18. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be part of the group, to experience myself as and being seen by others as cool
19. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire for others to respect me and take me seriously
20. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to suppress my starting-point of having Accepted myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ because I wanted to eradicate and get away from that experience of myself, believing that if I annihilated myself from myself, I would be able to re-design myself as ‘cool’ and ‘intelligent’ – which I then did
21. (another memory from this period pops up now that is in relation to this point, but also an entirely different point. Henriette)
22. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to try to ‘get away’ from the experience of myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ while at the same time having Accepted myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ and thus never getting away from this experience, no matter how much I have ‘corrected the mistake’
23. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if/when I was able to express myself and participate with others in a ‘correct way’ according to my idea about being cool, specifically with regards to timing, humor and ‘flow’, then I would stop being ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’
24. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately annihilate, suppress and push myself away, within and as Self-Honest Self-Expression as a child, because I believed that ‘Who’ I was, was a mistake, was wrong, would never fit it and thus not survive and therefore I believed I had to become someone else
25. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as a threat to my own survival, based on the experience of ‘not fitting in’ because I was looking too much behind the scene, which made it difficult for me to participate ‘naturally’ in conversations and social situations with other children and therefore having believed that I had to eradicate myself and transform myself into ‘someone’ that would be respected and seen as cool
26. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately and specifically transform myself to the point of being perfect with timing, in saying things at the exact right time that would make people laugh or simply respect me as cool and strong and intelligent
27. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that people would discover ‘who’ I ‘really’ was and then would bully me, laugh at me and reject me
28. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to bully myself
29. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to ridicule myself
30. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to reject myself
31. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as ‘unworthy’
32. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘unworthy’
33. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care for myself in fact
34. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care for others in fact
35. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care in fact
36. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that only by eradicating and destroying myself, would I be able to survive in social situations
37. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to eradicate and destroy myself in order to survive in social situations
38. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to experience myself as cool
39. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire for others to experience me as cool
40. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately eradicate and ridicule those that I saw as ‘weak’ because they reminded me of my own experience of myself, which I was scared to be exposed within and as and therefore I resented when others were not able to hide their ‘weakness’
41. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having eradicated and ridiculed others for not being ‘cool’
42. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be cool
43. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define being cool as being ‘indifferent’, ‘insensitive’, ‘timed’, ‘self-sufficient’ and ‘self-confident’
44. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be uncaring and for having Accepted and defined that as ‘cool’ – as ‘elite’ and ‘best’
45. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Participate in, Create and Accept that there is such a thing as ‘cool’– which basically is a judgment of being ‘better’ than something else/someone else, being ‘Elite’ compared to something/someone else, thus being based on competition and comparison in and of the mind – and not having anything to do with the Practical Reality
46. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Believe and Accept that having a ‘Cool Image’ is the most important thing in the whole world and that being seen/defined as cool by others, gives me points of ‘worth’ that is ensuring ‘my survival’
47. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not being cool
48. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent my mother for making me wear ‘uncool’ clothes
49. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not knowing which clothes are cool
50. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not knowing which music is cool
51. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if I do not find a way to be cool, I will not survive
52. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself and others to be cool
53. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having participated in and supported ‘cool’ as real, when it is a make-belief idea of the mind, based on fear and survival within the Acceptance of myself as Separate
54. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having participated in and supported ‘cool’ as real and for within that tacitly having accepted judgment as a starting-point for how I exist, how I experience myself and others
55. I do not Accept judgment as a starting-point . The only Starting-Point that is Valid and Real, is Life Supporting Life
56. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear losing myself within the personality of being cool, based on having designed myself to perfection within timing, speaking and expressing myself and fearing that when I stop that and myself as that, that I will be exposed as ‘an idiot’ – when all this is actually showing is that I have Accepted myself as ‘an idiot’ the whole time, but that I have suppressed it and thus fear losing my face fake, because I fear facing how I actually have experienced myself and the fact that I have annihilated myself for a make-belief world of competition
57. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I cannot and should not trust myself, based on the shock I experienced when I entered school for the first time
58. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that Life cannot be trusted, when in fact it is the ideas about Life that cannot be trusted and how we have shaped Life according to these ideas
59. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that others cannot be trusted, but within that basing on a hope/desire/expectation towards trusting others, instead of realizing that as longs as well Accept ourselves in and as the Mind-System of Self-Interest, Survival and Fear – No one can be trusted
60. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I must fight to Survive
61. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must Fight to Exist
62. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience Life, within and a Fight for Survival
63. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Fight others based on the belief that Life is a fight to Survive
64. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be shocked to discover this when I was 6 years old and for having been stuck in that shock ever since
65. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Challenge that which I took for granted, in and as myself, in and as others and in my relations with others and in the world
66. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Unconditionally Accept the World and The System and for having Submitted myself unconditionally into it, to fit in, Survive and satisfy the system
67. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Define, Experience and judge myself as a subject to the System
68. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit myself to the system, because I wanted to be cool, because I wanted to escape my experience of myself as not-cool
69. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in anger and resentment towards my mother for not having prepared me for entering school and within that I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent all parents for not preparing the children for entering school
70. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I must fight and compete with others to Survive
71. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must be the Best in order to Survive
72. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be the Best at surviving
73. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to ‘catch’ a man that is the best in surviving (successful, good looking, intelligent) and thus believing that by hooking up with a man like this, my chances of surviving will increase
74. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that everything within this System is based on Survival – and Survival is based on the Acceptance of
75. Separation and within that the creation of Fear of Losing Oneself to another ‘part’
76. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately design myself as ‘cool’ within the definition of cool as being ‘indifferent’ (smoking weed and self-suppression) self-sufficient and self-confident, which I never was and thus had to deny and annihilate myself being fake in order to ‘achieve’ this.
I Let go of the belief that I have to Fight to Exist
I Stop Fighting
I Let go of the Desire to be Cool
I Let go of the personality in which I am Cool
I Let go of Fear of being Exposed as uncool
I Stand by me
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to have this point cleared now so that I can share it with others – instead of taking my time to clear it effectively and sufficiently for myself. I have to go to work soon – which is cool, because then I can practice all of this. So It is not done – but I finally got it opened up.

Update on the ‘Autopilot of Social Survival’
So I went to school yesterday after I had written about the point and applied Self-Forgiveness. My main goal was to not go on ‘autopilot’ and ‘check out’ basically instead of remaining Here in Self-Honesty. It was apparently easier said that done, because already as I was getting dresses, I was following the point of ‘fitting in’ – I was saying to myself ’Wear what feels comfortable’ and yet I was trying to look a certain way, and you know, not even look a certain way – but specifically NOT look how I felt when I was 6 years old and got teased for what I wore. I think that one of the reasons why this is something that has ‘stuck’ in me, is because it was such a shock to me back then, that the world was like this, that I was like this – and so to prevent myself from ever being shocked and ambushed like that again, I have done my hardest to prevent it from happening – yet remaining ‘locked’ in that experience of being ‘off the beat’ and ‘un-cool’. So I dressed and I left and I applied Self-Forgiveness on the bike on my way there – That is something I enjoy very much and I have slowly but surely gotten over the point of Applying Self-Forgiveness in public. This might have something to do with the overall structure of my personality, but I actually find it easier to apply Self-Forgiveness in public than to sit by myself at home saying the sentences.

I got to school almost two hours too early because I had to catch up on my reading to the day’s lessons. I never finished because people kept coming and I got distracted the whole time. That was a note to myself that it is much better if I read at home. With regards to the point of the auto-pilot of social survival, I did go on it. We had to form study groups and I was anxious and nervous about it. I was afraid that no one would go into a group with me. Same starting point – ‘There is something wrong with me’. Eventually it all worked out. I got in a randomly selected group with 9 other people, mixed men, women and ages so that is actually as cool as it could possibly be. It is easy and almost ‘natural’ for me to take charge in a group – so I was playing with the point of remaining absolutely silent, not saying anything – This is something I have tried to do before in schools and other social situations, with no success. I will tell myself to shut up and two minutes later, I am chatting away. A point of justification is also that I have believed that this is really ‘who I am’ as though it is my ‘natural self-expression’. I Realize that this is part of the Survival System and even more importantly that I have feared giving it up. Okay, well that is cool – because I have reached some kind of partly conclusion on what these points consist of:

Fear of Missing Out – (Also represented in other points like Fear of Death), (also based on specific experiences from the past that I have attempted to avoid, yet which has defined me)
Fear of being alone – connected with the belief that I need other people to exist (as personality)
Fear of giving up (no losing) Personality as Survival – specifically the chatting, ironically a presence that says ‘I am Here’ – even though I am ‘Not Here’ because I am running some fucked up Survival scheme

I Allow myself to Let Go of myself as Personality
I Allow myself to Let Go of Fear
I Allow myself to Let Go of having to fit in – I Allow myself to be Self-Honest and Self-Supportive
I am not attending these classes or this job to be liked – Fuck being Liked
I Allow myself to Let Go of Fear of not being liked

I am Here to Support myself to Stand up as Life – To Stop All Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist within and as Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself within and as Systems of Separation, Enslavement, Self-Interest, Memory, Mind and Abuse

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Believe that I am a System

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted myself as the thoughts and emotion in my mind and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted myself as subject to the thoughts and emotions in my mind believing that this was all I was

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself Unconditionally as Life, to Walk this Process of Stopping the Mind in Self-Trust and Self-Love

I Support me as Life

Addiction 101 – When Food is not just Food

March 14, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

It started with a piece of cheese.

Yesterday as I woke up, I was going to eat breakfast. I ‘asked my body’ what it wanted and the ‘reply’ I got was ‘cheese’. See I ‘love’ cheese, and I always got a stomach ache from eating rich cheeses and dairy products such as ice cream, so it was like a specific point and example of self-abuse and self-interest, where I ate cheese even though it gave me a stomach pain, with the justification that I was allowed to, because it is my body and I decide what I do with it and it is only a little cheese and it tastes so good that I just can’t help myself.  This whole thing fast becomes complicated and a whole world in itself – because besides being type A blood type and therefore being predisposed of not processing dairy very well, in addition I was lactose intolerant as a child, supposedly because my mother, who gave birth to me at the age of 42, ‘ran out’ of breast milk when I was an infant. So I did not eat or drink anything containing dairy until I was 12 and she decided to test out if I was still intolerant. Up until then I only had access to dairy when I sneaked my way to it. So I would eat ice cream at a birthday party without my mother knowing it, and two hours later break out with hives all over my body. Or I would steal a big chunk of cheese from the fridge and keep it  hidden so I could eat from it when I wanted to. So it is sufficient to say that cheese has a special place in my heart. I am telling this story to share how easy it is to dilute oneself into believing something is an act of innocence – when in fact a lot of manipulation and deception has gone into it. After what happened yesterday, I am pretty sure that it was not by body claiming that it required cheese and that it was a thought that I interpreted as the body speaking, so that I could justify for myself eating cheese.  Anyway, I ate the cheese, just a little bit I told myself. With two pieces of dried toast. Afterwards I got a stomach ache, almost as on schedule, maybe because I felt guilty or for making a big deal out of it – What is really interesting is what happened following the ‘cheese incident’ the rest of the day yesterday and today as well. I experienced the most difficult day so far of keeping my diet, not overeat and not eat from desire for taste, memory and so on. I started making excuses and stepped over the boundaries I have set for myself. In return I felt guilty and my body felt very uncomfortable, heavy and aching. Today I have even considered smoking a cigarette. Last time I did that , it did not take me many hours before I did smoke the cigarette and soon after that was back on my 20 + a day. So I haven’t and I noted this for myself as I had the thought. It all started with me allowing myself to eat a piece of cheese and it has obviously very little to do with the cheese itself. It has to do with who I was in that moment. The day before yesterday I experienced a release and I trusted myself, to simply eat, instead of having to restrict myself according to specific rules and so I expected that I would be able to do the same the following day. It was almost like an arrogant moment of believing that I now have full control over my actions. Because I clearly don’t. And it is not because I am not able to Direct myself in the moment – it is because I have been living this for so long, for so many years that I have created myself around it, I  have created a relationship to food, to eating, to smoking, to consuming that is not based on nurturing my body, but on satisfying ideas of satisfaction, of taming and obeying fear and desires – of everything else than being Here. And this is not the first time I have experienced this – and I am not the only one who has experienced this. It is a classical fall for addicts. Once you are over the worst Jonesing, which is mostly physical uncomfortability where you have to simply focus on not consuming your drug of choice, it suddenly becomes more easy, like a breathing space, where things are going well. The thing that I have experienced in stopping addictions and cravings, is that after a while, I get used to this ‘new way of living’ – it is suddenly not new anymore. I do not have to push myself to keep the diet or to not smoke.  It is simply a matter of not doing it. For many people, this is where they fall in. When I stopped smoking the first time, I started again after 21 days. All it took was one thought, that I diluted myself to believe was innocent. ‘I’ll just have one cigarette’. So this is the point, where I cannot expect anything of myself. It is still a matter of moment to moment Self-Honesty. And this, by catching myself doing this, by slowing down, not judging and actually seeing what it is I am doing – I can flag all of these possible ‘pits’ for myself, so that I do not have to fall on my ass every couple of days, just to pick myself up again. Why was it the cheese that made me break the deal? Because cheese in my book is not just cheese. It is a symbol within my mind of how I treat myself with something that I am deprived from, a speciality , a luxury, where I am independent and do what is Best for me – Only that is how I created it in my delusion as a child, because it is not what is best for me – it is self-abuse and I did it, because I believed I was treated unfair, that there was something wrong with me, that I was punished because I was not allowed to eat what I wanted to. So it has become a symbol, twisted and distorted, no longer with any relation to what it actually consist of and what is Common Sense. This is how we fuck with ourselves. How we walk into, defend and justify situations and experiences, that is not best for us and certainly not what is Best for All.

Mind & Body – Detox and Deconstruction

March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

So Im now a month into, a little over a month not smoking and on you can call it rehab in terms of eating with my emotions, eating to get high, eating to get energy and basically stimulating myself to get energy and to… well thats what Ive Realized after I started the diet and stopped smoking, because I have constant craving for smoking, eating, speaking, watching, basically anything that can give me the sense of being filled up or filling myself up, anything that is not just me Here keeping occupied, and its interesting because Ive noticed that there are like specific points, where I wanna smoke, it is particularly if I get stressed or if I get scared then I wanna smoke. Which could signify that that is where Ive not been able with stuff myself and have used cigarettes to control my reality and to give me a sense of comfort and safety within my world. So… something I find interesting is that when I first stopped smoking and I went on this eating rehab, detoxification programme, I thought that it was only gonna be a face or a while and then I would be able to go back to my habits, and Ive that thats not so that this is a complete change of, its basically the beginning of a complete change of who I am, which is going to have to Stand. Im not saying that I might not eat differently at some point, but at this point, what I realize is that the way Ive been attached to eating, the way Ive been eating, the way Ive been drinking, the way Ive been stimulating myself, is so completely engrained within me, where Ive diluted myself and been dishonest with myself and made excuses and justifications so I cant possibly go back to just eat what I want to, because its not what I want to. How I taste, what I feel like eating, feeling of hunger, of thirst its not real. Its not based on the body saying: I need nutrition now, I Require fuel to be able to function. So Ive basically fucked up my whole physical system in terms of making it into a mind-fuelling system, which we obviously have in other perspectives as well, but this is like very specific, like I said: eating with my emotions. And even now after a month, I find it extremely difficult and Im surprised how difficult it is. At the same time, Im determined. Im going to, Im going through it, Im walking through it, Im doing it but every day I Realize something about how intense and how attached this system is within me. I dont even know who I am, because how can I know who I am, when I experience a craving for something and it gives me a stomach ache, and its basically not optimal in any way for body, how can I say I know who I am, I mean I know who I am as an addict, I know who… I know what satisfies my addiction. I know what my addiction requires, to be able to sustain itself, because thats the tricky part it is to, for the addiction to sustain itself, its not to actually get rid of the craving. I realized earlier today as I was scratching a mosquito bite, that its basically the same principle the more you scratch, the more it itches.

Becoming the Living Example of Change

March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

My change in lifestyle aka ‘The Diet’ ( means a way of Life in Latin) is not only about not smoking and eating differently. It is about changing myself and my body, from having existed in self-abuse and self-negligence to actually begin expressing and appreciating myself. The Abuse that Exists in this world, the Negligence that Exist in this world, the Inconsideration that Exist in this World – is the same Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration that have Existed in me. And as I clearly See and Understand that it is not an Acceptable way of Living, when I look at the World and the outflow of this Acceptance – I have had difficulty in applying it in/for and as myself. And therefore I have also not been able to Support anyone else, let alone Stand up from within it – because I was still Living it. I was still Accepting Self-Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration as a ‘Way of Life’, in the World as in myself. Therefore this Process is not about losing weight, becoming skinny, pretty, attractive or to gain recognition from someone else. Unfortunately I still see the signs of it in me, (as I have judged it, instead of recognizing it for what it is) as I look into the mirror and enjoyed the fact that I have lost weight or when others comment on it. But I also know that if that was the only reason, I would not be able to do it for long – It would be conditioned and I would not be doing it for me, thus it would just be another way of Abusing myself. But these elements are still ‘there’ – the self-abuse that I have existed within and as, is still there. It is not like just because I made the decision to Stand up – that it is automatically going to happen and I can lean back and enjoy the ride. No – This is something, where I have to watch my every step. There are lots of possible blind spots, where I can dilute myself into Self-Abuse again, and as I have found, it is a matter of consistently, stubbornly and gently to push myself every time it happens. Instead of judging myself, when I fail, lie or make mistakes – I can push myself to Correct and Stand. Because I have made the decision. And I am doing this for me. Because I have never ever done anything for myself in my entire life. And yet, as always, it is all in reverse. Everything I have done and participated within, has been from a starting-point of getting others to see me, to notice me, to appreciate me and accept me. That is Self-Interest. That is being diluted and lost in my own bubble of perceived and self-Accepted inferiority – where all I care about is the energy of someone looking at me, smiling, complimenting me. And everything I do is like an addict hungry for a fix, to get that dose of energy. This is also something that I have not completely stopped. But I see it when it happens and most times I go: “damn, I did it again.” – But I have Realized that it requires my dedication and consistency to ‘make it stop’ – just as it required my active participation in ‘making it start’ – Because I am that which is invested in this mess.
This is how we become Living Examples – We Walk, One Step at the Time. But it cannot be done in dishonesty – we will know it. Living means actually changing Everything, not as an idea or a theory or a wish – but an Active, Actual Change. To do this, it has been extremely assisting for me to have a Physical ‘Marker’  as for example shaving, not smoking, eating, drinking, having sex etc. Because it is in those moments that we see who we are – How do we Act? How do we Respond? What makes us React? And then We Change – and next time it happens, we Change again… until there is nothing left and we are Simply Here.

Physical Transformation – Inner Change – Everything Changes

March 4, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

Why am I doing this?
(Secret Mind) Looks – attractability = success
Physical condition – optimal use of the body
Self-Respect, Integrity, Acceptance – for the first time in my life doing something just for me – to be comfortable alone with me, in my own skin.

The body not only reflects but also contains all that we have ever participated in, accepted and allowed, thoughts, emotions, memories. As we walk through our day, we are constantly triggered and influenced through images, smells, sounds and feelings that correspond with a memory we have already stored in our bodies. Because of this, and because we Accept and believe that our mind, as thinking and feeling, is really who we are, we are not able to Exist Equal with and as the Physical body. My goal is to empty myself from everything I have ever identified as myself, which specifically means stopping and not participating in thoughts and emotions, which is what keeps the mind going and these self-acceptances with it.
Throughout my life I have allowed a lot of self-hate and judgment within me. Because of that my body has become an outer reflection of my ‘inner’ acceptance of myself. But not only that – Everything I have accepted myself as, is still a part of me and will be able to be seen by others in how I walk, speak and move. So even if I do stop thoughts of self-hate for example, and I begin a process of self-acceptance, the imprint of what I have accepted, is still who I am, because I have not changed myself physically, actually.
As I started my process of letting go of addictions and attachments and in that brought up suppressed emotions and feelings, I have cared mostly about the weight I would be losing. I have been exited about seeing and feeling my body changing – but also with a hidden experience of what I will be able to achieve once I have the body I want.
This is a major point for all women and one that has to be addressed immediately – because it has to be clear to us, that we are doing this for ourselves – to regain self-power, self-will, self-trust and self-acceptance and not to get a man to provide those things for us.
So within this, within the process of changing my body and how I experience, interact and move my body, I also begin a process of ‘inner’ transformation, where I allow myself to Accept myself, to Trust myself and through that Will and Empower myself to walk this through.
I do not know how long I am going to be eating like this. At the moment it feels like I am on a deprivation diet. I am on a deprivation diet, because I have placed the intake of substance as something that was more than me, as something I required to be able to exist and cope with myself.
 Physical Transformation   Inner Change   Everything Changes

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