Brainwashed to Love – (Relationship Paranoia pt. 5) – DAY 214

June 18, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

 Brainwashed to Love   (Relationship Paranoia pt. 5)   DAY 214“You will also note that those that are possessed by love will refuse to consider anything else but that love is the answer –and there will be no practical way they can explain how love will change the world and regardless of this obvious oversight, their egos will spew one word like magic poison — ‘love will heal the world’ — they should watch the news to see that the only love on the Telly is the love the corporations are promoting as love for their products.” – Bernard Poolman

In this post I am going to share a brief expansion on two comments that I received on the previous blog-posts I wrote about the insanity of falling in love.

Comment 1

“Funny that no one has yet to comment. Perhaps it is that the post is quite a bit foreboding for those of us who like to believe we have a soul mate, etc. The tone is also reflective of our ability to rationalize ourselves right out of any chance of ‘true’ love. As modern beings we pride ourselves in our ego and doubt-love always remains an elusive mystery just out of grasp. Or is it? Perhaps, to the contrary, the conclusion remains that the love that results in paranoid or crazed states is only true if love is unrequited or thought to be as such. Such love of a lifetime requires equal measure of courage and desires, and I don’t think there is any doubt when one finds such a love that is a misconception of paranoia… an obsession, perhaps justifiably so.”

Comment 2

“So, what are your thoughts? Do you believe in the theory that everyone has One True Love? Does one Fall in Love or is that merely infatuation/obsession, or lust? What makes some have one relationship after another, while others rarely have any? What makes Ppl innately attracted to a certain person only to have those same traits drive you nuts down the road?”

To the second comment I replied:

 ”Falling in love is an energetic experience that can disappear as quickly as it comes. It isn’t based on any real, physical or substantial essence. People fall in love with their idea about who/how other people are as well as their own experience of themselves when someone is infatuated with them. What makes us attracted to certain people is based on memories of character and physical traits that we’ve created a positive experience towards as well as traits that we would want to posses for ourselves. So we believe that by being with this person we’ll get ‘access’ to that specific expression or point but then if the relationship ends, they’ll ‘take it’ with them. It’s really not very practical.”

Now a specific word that stood out as I read the first comment is the word ‘foreboding.’ It sounds a lot like ‘forbidden’ or ‘forbidding’ – which is interesting in context to the subject that we’re discussing here as it would indicate that what I’ve written about love is considered ‘forbidden’ (or taboo) to those professing ‘true love’.

Now – if we look at the dictionary definition of the word ‘foreboding’ it means the following:

“foreboding |fɔːˈbəʊdɪŋ|

noun [ mass noun ]

a feeling that something bad will happen; fearful apprehension: with a sense of foreboding she read the note.

adjective

implying that something bad is going to happen: when the Doctor spoke, his voice was dark and foreboding.

So if we merge the two definitions of ‘foreboding’, my first association to the word ‘forbidden’ with the dictionary definition of ‘foreboding’ being a feeling that something bad is going to happen we see the following point emerge:

When we in our minds have settled on a certain set of beliefs/ideas/assumptions about life it can be very difficult to change, most often because we will define and live our lives according to these beliefs and as such we will literally hang out lives up upon these beliefs and therefore hang on to them at all costs because if we were to question them or their validity, the foundation upon which we’re living could/would disappear before our feet and we might realize that we’ve been living on a lie our entire lives. We might realize that we’ve compromised and sacrificed ourselves, our lives and even our relationships with other people for the sake of chasing after an illusion that we convinced ourselves to be real.

And this is not even only the case when it comes to love as an illusion we’re convincing ourselves is real  – it is virtually and quite literally our entire life that is build upon a foundation of lies. And so we have within our minds installed ‘warning signs’ and ‘firewalls’ through which we can protect the lies that we are living which is literally why certain topics or points will seem to be ‘forbidden’ or taboo. We will accordingly activate experiences of resistance and ‘danger’ towards that which we perceive to be ‘threatening’ the foundation upon which we’ve build our lives – for instance in relation to love and whether or not love is real.

“In a world where flesh is our mirror, the love we show for all living beings in flesh is certainly not love. The mental show with which we justify the feeling of love while the mirror of flesh shows the dishonesty, is the way of the lie. The living world as flesh on earth shows only that hate has become reality and is spreading fast as more and more find themselves without physical support. What human could possibly promote a feeling of love when the flesh of love do not represent this love in action? Self honesty as the living flesh is the most difficult thing that exist and will mirror who is here as Life and who is here as mental energy Ego.” – Bernard Poolman

Throughout my life I’ve literally been a ‘love monger’. If anyone believed wholeheartedly in love, it was I. However through the assistance of others who have ‘seen the light’ or rather the ‘darkness’ of who and what we’ve as humanity become I’ve come to realize how extensive an illusion our fantasy of love is. And nothing has confirmed this more than me now living in the most committed, real and rewarding relationship that I’ve ever been in in my life. And much to the surprise of people believing in ‘true love’ this relationship is not founded upon any form of ‘love’ experience. We are simply two people who have decided to walk this life together based on a practical consideration of our compatibility and based on having taken several years to even develop the relationship, which to my surprise we’ve only really just gotten started with.

What emerges when we dare to question the illusion of ‘true love’ and see behind the veil of romance and fairytales is the truth of what we as human beings are doing here on earth. Because for me – and for many others – love was what made sense to the world. Love was what made life worth it, even when it wasn’t worth it. It was like a light at the end of the tunnel, a promise of a ‘loving universe’ that in spite of all the nasty things going on, on earth could give meaning to the madness. So when you take that love away, what you are left with is: the madness. The cold, hard truth of ourselves which is that there is no higher meaning to life as we’ve created it, there is no ‘loving universe’, just like there is no ‘loving god’ pulling the strings in a way that is so advanced that we simply don’t get it.

What is here is who we are as human beings embedded within and as the mind and the physical consequences that this relationship causes on a daily basis in our lives and in the lives of everyone else. When we realize that there is no love that the love we dreamed up isn’t real – we are faced with reality. And just like with religion and spirituality, that is what we’re actively preventing ourselves from seeing, through such mechanisms of generating ‘foreboding’ experiences within ourselves.

So when and as we find ourselves reacting to a certain point within and as a feeling of ‘don’t go there!’ where there is no sign of any physical threat – it is vital to investigate if we through such an experience are preventing ourselves from facing the reality of what is here – as ourselves and as the world as a whole.

Because ironically – it is through such relationships of feverishly holding on to illusions and delusions that we’re maintaining the status quo of the world and actually are creating anything but what love was supposed to be in this world. And just as ironically, it is through letting go of these delusions that we can begin facing what is here in fact, in and as this physically manifested reality and actually create a world where we don’t have to live on lies and protect our lies through all kinds of loops and plots.

We have literally been brainwashed to use love as a veil through which we’re preventing ourselves to see and face – and change – the reality of ourselves and what is here.

“Love is only real where equality is real. And what is equality? Equality is love thy neighbour as thy self, do unto another what you want them to do to you.

And love in itself is perfection, and equality is perfection. Therefore, love as equality is the drive to perfection. It is the exposure of all deception, no matter what.
The stop of stopping of all inequality. Inequality is where one allows, in your mind, secret thoughts about others that are deception. That is ‘evil’. That is not ‘love’. It is judgmental, it is forming opinions about others.

Love as equality is when in your mind, you’re working towards standing up as the perfection within yourself and everyone else. And that you make sure it happens through the principle of: tough love. Where ever inequality or deception or judgement or any form of limitation is allowed= you immediately expose it. And you insist on actions that reflects, and that is the actuality of ‘love thy neighbours as thy self’, in all ways.
You change the systems, from education to monetary to governmental – all, the total social systems – to one of Equality. Because then your system is a system of love. Because then you love thy neighbour. There should not be any being that profess to be spiritual in nature, that has any problem with equality. Because then you have never really loved.” – Bernard Poolman

Suggested reading for expanded perspectives on the delusion and illusion of Love:

How can love exist

Day 414: Love and Light Paranoia: a Disease Cultivated by Consumerism

Day 19 – Rotten Love

Day 163: After Death Communication – Relationships and Love – Part 12 

 Day 9: Speaking from the Heart

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

 

 Brainwashed to Love   (Relationship Paranoia pt. 5)   DAY 214

Discontinuing The Sexual Hunger Games: DAY 211

June 8, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

 Discontinuing The Sexual Hunger Games: DAY 211In this post I will be writing self-correction and self-commitment statements on the man-eater character that I wrote about in my previous blog-post. Today I’ve been walking self-forgiveness out loud as well on the specific memories where I executed the ‘Man Eater’ and accepted and allowed myself to live it out no matter the consequences. It has been a fascinating point to walk through exactly as I’ve described because it is a point of ‘pure evil’ from the perspective of how the ‘Man Eater’ or the ‘Player’ as it is also known as when it is a male accessing and executing this character has absolutely no regard for others. I even found that the ‘Man Eater’ sees people who are in relationships as more desirable partners because the ‘win’ of seducing them is considered more difficult and has higher stakes.

Self-Corrective and Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see that I am accessing the ‘Man Eater’ Character as indicated by how I change my behavior when around specific people in my reality within and as a desire directed towards the specific person, I stop and I breathe. I stop all energetic experiences and I remind myself that I am accessing the ‘Man Eater’ character or it’s polar opposite of the ‘Willing pray’ depending on the dynamic I experience between myself and the other person and that nothing good has ever come out of me executing this character into action and that it’s starting-point isn’t what is best for all. Because I see, realize and understand that the starting-point of the ‘Man Eater’ character has nothing to do with sexuality or relationships or the actual seeking out of a partner, but only has to do with an energetic experience of thrill, power and control that is pure evil as pure ego. I hereby commit myself and make a directive decision within and as myself to stop participating in all ‘hunger games’ or ‘hunting games’ towards chasing other people sexually because I see, realize and understand that the starting-point of such games isn’t what is best for all, as this character and energetic entity is based solely on self-interest. I also commit myself to stop any and all experience towards other people as being potential sex partners because I have made a commitment to walk with one partner in this life in an equal and one agreement of assisting and supporting ourselves to become our utmost potential and I honor that agreement absolutely. Therefore I commit myself to stop participating in and accepting thoughts of desire towards other human beings because I see, realize and understand that this serves absolutely no practical purpose as it is only an energetic purpose that has no care or consideration for actual physical life or substance. As such I commit myself to stop, deconstruct and let go of the ‘Man Eater’ as I’ve identified myself within and as and I commit myself to let go of the desire to seduce, consume and control other people sexually for the sake of me feeling powerful and empowered – because I see, realize and understand that this isn’t real empowerment as all that gets ’powered’ is the energy in my mind with devastating consequences for the physical and for myself and other people.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to see, perceive and experience other people and in my case, males in particular, as sexual objects or potential sexpartners – I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to instead focus on seeing other people as equals here, as beings who are equally here as life. Because I see, realize and understand that seeing other people as sexual objects or objects of desire otherwise isn’t real in any way as one is only actually seeing one’s own self-interest and perceived lack that one then believe that ‘devouring’ another human being or that which one see in another will somehow fulfill this lack. As such I commit myself to instead bring the points that I desire in/as other human beings back to myself and in common sense investigate how/why it is that I am not living this in/as myself and then accordingly walk a process of changing and expanding myself to equally as one live and express that which I see in another as myself.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as a desire to be ‘adored’, ‘wanted’ and ‘desired’ by another human being, I stop and I breathe and stabilize myself here within and as myself and my physical body. Because I see, realize and understand that when I am looking for something for myself in another, it is an indication that I’ve separated myself from/of/as that point within and as me and so by seeking it in another I am actually only confirming my own separation from/as the point even further, thus pushing myself further away. Therefore – I commit myself to when and as I see that I am desiring for another to feel something for me or to be something so that I can have a certain experience for/within/as myself to bring this point back to myself and investigate what it is that I am not living in/as myself and then accordingly walk a process of amalgamating myself with/within/as this point.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to feel and experience myself as weak and powerless towards males in particular, as indicated by how I want to change myself and my behavior and make myself appear to them as more than who and what I believe myself to be, in and as inferiority – I stop. I breathe and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body and myself.  I see, realize and understand that I’ve projected my own acceptance and experience of myself as being inferior, weak and powerless onto males and as such I’ve held males responsible for this experience of and as me, but have within that also given my perception of this relationship the power and authority to define and determine my value. Therefore I commit myself to take back my authority and power of defining who and what I am back to myself by taking responsibility for myself within and as also seeing, realizing and understanding that I am not weak, powerless or inferior and that this experience of myself is to a large extent founded in me having believed in cultural polarities assigned to males and females and between males and females which has nothing to do with our actual, practical value as beings, equally existing here in this reality. As such I commit myself to develop self-integrity, self-respect and self-worth through the directive decision that I am making here to care about myself and stand with and within myself in the expression of who I am. As such I commit myself to develop and establish a sound sexuality and sexual expression that is based on my self-expression as who I am here within and as the physical based on the principle of what is best for all and not as an energetic thrill or possession that has no regard for life.

Interviews that support with the specific points I’ve been walking here:

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Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

 

 

 

 

 

 Discontinuing The Sexual Hunger Games: DAY 211

The Cruelty of Not Caring About Yourself: DAY 208

May 28, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

 The Cruelty of Not Caring About Yourself: DAY 208I’ve been sick today with some kind of stomach flue. I am supposed to write self-corrective statements on the self-forgiveness I wrote in my last post. But I can see that I can’t. Because I can’t yet say that I will now do what is best for me. That wouldn’t be self-honest, because from where I’m standing at the moment: I know I won’t. It is absolutely absurd and it doesn’t make sense, but there you have it. I don’t want to do what is best for me. I had a chat with my buddy about it and she said the following in assisting me to understand the pattern I’ve been facing:

“So – you’re cruel for not taking care of yourself but you don’t take care of yourself because you’re cruel”

We were talking about how I don’t take care of myself when it comes to my physical body in many respects, for example through eating food that isn’t good for me – which is most likely what has caused the stomach flue as a consequence. And the bottom line of this is a fear of being cruel. This was one of the very first points I brought up on the Desteni forum when I first started participating, a fear of being evil – or a feeling that I was evil. So because I fear and believe that I am cruel, I act cruel against myself and then become cruel which gives me the fuel to continue believing and accepting myself as cruel. It is interesting because every ‘fiber’ in me says RUN AWAY! From writing this blog post. So obviously this is the spot-on point since I experience such a resistance to not walk through it. Whenever I look at the point of being cruel to myself and/or the point of caring for myself, I feel myself going into a state of panic or feeling cornered and then I just blank out. Meaning that I don’t see any profound reasons or explanations. And there’s also a loop of backchat within me holding onto the cruelty towards myself as a justification. That I’m not ‘allowed’ to care for myself, that I don’t ‘deserve’ caring for myself. And somehow that makes me feel righteous. Somehow it makes my apparent cruel nature ‘better’ – to punish myself for it.

So I’ve rather successfully installed a mental firewall in my head towards this aspect of my relationship with myself and at this point I still don’t understand it. But that is because the mind doesn’t make sense – in common sense lol. It is a deranged personality’s logic that fits into a delusional perception of reality for example impulsed by religious concepts of good and evil and what it means to care. I’ve written about this extensively from various angles in various blog posts.

So before commencing with self-corrective statements I am going to give myself this blog post to write this point out – also so to ensure that I don’t just write statements that actually aren’t self-supportive but rather self-sabotaging because I know that I’m not gonna live them.

So – why do I like being cruel? Why don’t I want to do the things I know are good for me? Why do I want to do things that I know aren’t good for me? Why don’t I want to care for myself? What am I getting out of being cruel to myself? Why does it feel good to be cruel to myself? I know that I feel ‘free’ when I do things that aren’t good for me. I know that I find the things that are good for me ‘restrictive’ and ‘boring’ like I’m missing out if I don’t do it. I also know that my mother has a similar pattern in her life and that this dates back to when I was a child and lived under strict food restrictions. But is all of this just one big excuse for me being cruel to myself? What does it mean to take care of oneself? Why do I feel such a resistance to caring for myself?

Let’s have a look at common sense. If I have a look at the world system as we’ve currently created it, it is quite an accurate ‘replica’ or reflection of what’s going on in my relationship with/to myself. We’re accepting and allowing suffering of some parts of ourselves as life while prioritizing other parts – namely the parts that are artificially created. Something that I’ve found fascinating is how we will as humans prioritize things that we experience and perceive as ‘escapes’ from ‘the real world’ – like drugs, sex, obsessions with food and various kinds of entertainment and shopping. We do all these things to create a little ‘lightness’ in our lives because apparently ‘real life’ is too hard to bear. What we don’t realize is how we’re literally creating the hardship of life through our very prioritization of things that doesn’t really matter. How many vote in American Idol? How many care more about who wins in American Idol than actually voting for things that matter? And so why is this? It is because when we’re faced with the reality of things, we’re also faced with the fact that we’ve created the world as it is – as such: our own cruelty. And to face that, the only viable option is to then take self-responsibility for the world we’ve created and start cleaning up the rubble so that we can build a new world system: a system of care.

I often find it heartbreaking when I look at what I have exposed myself and my body to in the name of some absurd desire and hollow fantasies. And this is no different from what we’re facing with the world as a whole.

So I am doing things that aren’t good for me because I believe that they offer me an ‘escape’ from facing the truth of myself – while digging myself deeper into the shallow grave that is my mind. It is like the snake that eats its own tail: an infinite loop that can only stop when the snake realizes the delirium of its action – when it stops the gnawing and chewing mechanism that it has accepted as automated. Animals in captivity often behave like this, become neurotic and self-abusive as an odd self-defense mechanism. And so do I. It doesn’t make any sense. But I can see now that what I am facing is not a personal construct as much as it is a universal ‘problem’ if you will that extends from me to the whole world and the other way around. I’ve never learned to care about myself. I don’t even know how – except for some glimpses I’ve had from moments when I allowed self-care to emerge as well as from seeing others developing self-care.

It’s the old tale of how we jaw lock ourselves into an acceptance of ourselves as sinners by insisting that we’re sinners in order to purify ourselves yet in actuality it was all a charade in justification of sin – a carte blanche should we ever stand face to face with god. That’s the Christian version. In reality it is ourselves we fear standing face to face with, not realizing that we are never anything but faced with ourselves, no matter where we turn or how deep we stick our head in the sand.

I see, realize and understand that the time has come for me to make the decision to care for myself. I see, realize and understand that the consequences if I don’t is pain and suffering, not only for me, but for the rest of the world as well as I would join in and be yet another voice in the choir of the dead (or rather the dying) that sing their dirge of self-pity and deceit. There is no reason for me not to care about myself. Yet I can see all around me the evidence of how I haven’t. I see, realize and understand that in order for me to care about myself I have to change. And I also see that I can’t change if I don’t care about myself. Here I am not talking about a ‘feeling’ towards myself but an active practical self-care of making directive decisions to do that which I know to be best for me and to refrain from doing that which isn’t best for me – in the understanding also of why I would even want to do things that aren’t best for me. I see, realize and understand that it is a mental disorder to not care about oneself. It is a mental disorder to want to do things that aren’t best for oneself. Yet it is how I’ve lived my entire life as though it is perfectly normal. It is how we live in this world as a whole, why we go to war, why we drink alcohol, why we abuse ourselves. We’re literally and criminally insane. So this is what I got to understand: when I feel the urge to do something that I know isn’t best for me, like eating foods that I know will upset my stomach – this impulse isn’t ‘who I am’ – it is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become but it isn’t the ‘who’ I decide to be from here on out or that I see is the best ‘who’ I can be. I see, realize and understand that when I feel an urge to do things that aren’t best for me – often even BECAUSE they aren’t best for me, that I am listening to the mental disease that I’ve developed myself into and as. And as long as I listen to the disease, as long as I participate in the disease, as the disease, I’ll only dig myself further and further into it, in and acceptance of it as ‘who I am’. This is what I hear in the back of my head as a subtle whispering voice: “But it’s who I am, I can’t help it.”

Isn’t that exactly what we humans say? “I can’t help it, I’m only human.” So this gives me a clue to understanding that this particular pattern isn’t only about me. It isn’t personal. Yet it is personal in the context of all of humanity as a whole and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stand as an equal example of criminal insanity. I’ve learned it from my parents yes – my father was manic-depressive and tried killing himself many times when he was depressed. When he was manic he was trying to save the world and cure other people, as he was a psychologist. My mom was an alcoholic and daily struggle with the desire to drink. So I’ve got lots of ‘excuses’ to blame it on my ancestry. But isn’t my true ancestry in fact all of humanity collectively and together? And if this is a pattern that is reflected in the world system as a whole, then it isn’t just about me or my family: it’s about the fundamental acceptance of ourselves as participants, creations and creators in, of and as this existence.

I am not done writing about this. In fact I’ve barely begun. But I commit myself to walk myself to the point of self-commitments. Because I see how easy it could be to make a big deal out of this point and ‘beat around the bush’ while actually procrastinating the point of change. And I also see clearly how self-forgiveness is the solution to this relationship with ourselves as cruelty where no care is allowed. As long as I believe I am cruel and accept myself as cruel, I will continue to do cruel things to myself and as an example in this world. Through self-forgiveness I can give myself the opportunity to not only releasing myself from the sin I believe I’m submerged in but also take responsibility for it and make the decision to live in and build self-trust through placing one foot after the other as a self-directed decision to live self-care, dignity, respect and integrity.

Until next time…

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Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

 The Cruelty of Not Caring About Yourself: DAY 208

For Better or Worse: DAY 199

April 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

1314702022881 For Better or Worse: DAY 199The reason why I started writing about relationships and making videos about relationships was because of the vast amount of points that I saw coming up in my own relationship – in particular all the characters and personalities and reactions creeping out from any nook and cranny in my mind. In many ways it is like becoming a monster or realizing that one had been occupied by an alien invasion because having gone from being a seemingly ‘civilized’ person, suddenly one is displaying one dysfunctional feature after another. And obviously we learn all of this at home, through seeing our parents and how they interact as well as seeing adults in general interrelate not to mention how we ‘perfect’ the insanity while growing up.

In most of the relationships that I’ve had so far I simply walked out when the insanity started peeking out and I never ever stayed and try to salvage the relationship. I simply switched off the ‘love button’ and happily moved onto to another adventure in the hopes that this new partner would be comprised of such a chemical composition of personality and temper that simply being with them would immediately cure any insanity or ‘hole’ I had within me. I literally believed that my only problem was simply not finding the ‘right one’ and that once I did, I would magically turn into the perfect woman – simply by being in my partner’s presence. Obviously that never worked out and I blamed my partners.

So now I am here in a relationship that is by no means perfect and I am acutely aware that I am responsible for any imperfections that my relationship may endure, because the relationship consist of me and my partner and I’m bringing everything I’ve ever been into this partnership and I am asking the partnership to deal with my insanity – because when you live with someone day in and day out for several years, at some point you just can’t keep the floodgates shut anymore and the ‘real you’ starts seeping through. And this is what has happened to me. I’ve quite successfully managed to hide myself in all my relationships – including friendships and to some extent family relationships. Because I could always just leave and move and go home to myself and be alone. Now I can’t do that anymore.

And when it is suggested by Desteni to prepare oneself absolutely before entering into an agreement – it is no joke. I wasn’t prepared – and it was not so much not being prepared to live with another or to even be faced with another’s ‘demons’. It was my own demons that I wasn’t prepared for, the demons that oddly enough only come out in relationships – even in my life alone with myself they didn’t come out. Because I had made myself ‘civilized’ and ‘functional’ through suppressing all sides of myself that I did not consider ‘good’. Or I would simply go home and hide under the covers.

To clarify: the ‘bad’ I am talking about here is for example all the little tricks we learn in relationships, emotional blackmail, self-pity, seduction, sweet-talking, blame, projection, judgment, sarcasm, parenting, policing, victimization, dependency, co-dependency, self-sabotage, addiction, justifications, lying, cheating ….. you name it. And each person has their own spin on these relationship ‘games’ that we’ve learned, each person has created their own approach to surviving in relationships with other human beings.

The difference is that I am walking this relationship as a Destonian and my partner happens to be a Destonian. As such we are walking an Agreement. The agreement is that we will walk together in sorting ourselves out. It is in no way romantic or beautiful or necessarily harmonic – and why not? Because I am not. In the context of this discussion it also doesn’t matter whether my partner is walking with Desteni or not, because I would have been confronted with my own demons either way – simply by being together with someone for that long.

The point that I am facing is that I wasn’t prepared when I entered into this relationship. As such I hadn’t established a stable foundation of walking my own process before expanding myself to walk with another and face what may come through that. A lot of things have developed already and I’ve perfected myself through walking with a partner, however the relationship ‘demon’ still rears its head – and it has many, many heads. Like I said, even in being alone I had kept these parts of myself hidden from myself through creating some fake form of civilization. Many people can probably relate to how otherwise these ‘demons’ only come out in what would appear as random moments, in traffic or when dealing with bureaucracy over the phone. It doesn’t happen very often – but in a relationship it does, because it is like one’s buttons are constantly being pushed.

So I will continue walking this process in these blogs and in the videos and I will continue focusing on the most prominent ‘demonic’ relationship experiences that I see is prohibiting me from actually embracing myself and embracing an agreement with another. I mean, I am starting here from scratch. Everything I know about being in a relationship are things that serves no purpose in a living agreement where two beings come together to support one another to become one’s full potential.

The whole point of being in a relationship was from the beginning that I thought that the other person was supposed to be like an anti-dote to the venom I believed to have inside me – but what I am realizing is that it is more like the relationship is showing me that I need to be my own anti-dote. Oddly enough the relationship is showing me that I can’t run from myself or escape the consequences of whom and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become. It is giving me the opportunity to face all parts of myself and first and foremost those parts that are not best for all life – so that I can in fact change myself and become a human being that I would want to live with and as, for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to face myself through an agreement with another and I would not trade the shitstorm of facing my own demons with the dull life of deception in blissful self-containment and suppression. At least the shit is in my face. That means that I can deal with it, wipe myself clean and actually give myself a fresh start.

Redefine your relationship course for the serious student. Check it out here.

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Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

 For Better or Worse: DAY 199

How to Leave the Comforts of the Cage: DAY 193

March 25, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

nickorr Open Your Bird Cage How to Leave the Comforts of the Cage: DAY 193In this blog I will be prescribing statements for myself of self-commitment through which I will assist and support myself to change – specifically here within the context of the pattern of being hard on myself, being against myself and then projecting this onto another person from where I’d create a desire for this other person to ‘be there for me’, ‘support me’ and stand within and as a ‘team’ with me – all because I’ve not stood as that in/as myself.

Here are the previous posts in the series for further context of what I’ll be walking in this blog post:

It is interesting as I’ve mentioned in a previous blog – that I experience a resistance towards stopping being hard on myself. This resistance has been quite intense in that I last night as I was about to write the blog, I felt so immensely tired like I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open. And it doesn’t make any sense from a conscious perspective – meaning, I’m not consciously walking around thinking: “oh no, I don’t want to stop being hard on myself!!!” – I mean, it is actually quite absurd. So what I can see through common sensical deduction based on what I understand about the mind is that I resist stopping being hard on myself because I’ve used being hard on myself as a simultaneous self-sabotage and defense mechanism. When I look at the point in terms of its symbolism, it is like being hard on myself and being against myself gives me an enclosure where I am in a tight limited space of movement. When I then look at stopping being hard on myself, all I see is a vast landscape, no direction, just infinite space. Lol – so that’s what scares me – being unstoppable.

In stopping being hard on myself – ironically so – I also make a commitment to take responsibility for myself. It is much like the abusive parent that has mistreated their child, who now has to consider the effect this treatment has had on the child, a parent who is now entering into a process of re-education to become an effective parent. So I have to also look at how I treat myself and the consequences this has had. This really also shows why the mind is not to be trusted – because as I’ve mentioned, through this pattern I’ve really been walking against my own best interest, completely immersed in the mind, believing myself to be protecting myself against other human beings all the while I was like a mad dog gnawing on my own tail.

So it doesn’t make sense – it is certain fuzzy logic and not common sense: why would I fear caring for myself? But I do. Because then I become limitless – and then I have no excuse left. So that is actually the best place possibly I can be. If I care for myself, if I make the commitment to care for myself and take responsibility for myself and stand as an example inside myself – then if or as a point emerges of self-sabotage or compromise, I can’t run to the excuse of being hard on myself and then feeling victimized and punished and subsequently go into self-pity and depression. Once I stop limiting myself – I am no longer limited and I can’t use limits as an excuse.

So I know understand how being hard on myself is not valid or acceptable. I understand that I’ve been living against my own best interest and that this makes no sense. I understand that accepting an authority that wants me to live against my own best interest, is not an authority worth submitting to. I understand that I’ve delegated my own self-responsibility to the mind and made the mind the authority of me and that the mind is not equipped to be an authority. I understand that if I don’t reestablish myself as the authority based on the directive principle of what is best for all, I am leaving it up to the mind to direct me for me. So I will here begin the process of practically stopping being hard on myself, walking against myself and projecting this onto other people towards which I superimpose blame and desires. Through stopping being hard on myself I see how I open up my self-imposed enclosure through which I’ve justified my own captivity and limitation within and as the mind and as such I open myself up to stand responsible for myself but also to move myself beyond the limits I’ve accepted as enclosing me.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate backchat towards another person where I am blaming them for not giving me or being that for me which I want them to be, I stop myself and I flag this backchat and I simply stop participating. Because I now see, realize and understand that the only reason why I am blaming another is because I am using them as a scapegoat and as a mirror for what I am not giving to myself or reversely for what I am already accepting myself – and I see, realize and understand how this is an unacceptable way to live because within it, I am placing the responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing within myself and as myself onto another which is a classic relationship dynamic which we’ve used to always keep ourselves as arm’s length and never actually get to the bottom of or sort out why it is that we’re experiencing what we’re experiencing. So therefore – I commit myself to be diligent and disciplined within not accepting myself to participate in blame towards others and instead I commit myself to repurpose this blame to be a point of reflection from where I can see what I am separating myself from and as such take responsibility for the blame and stopping the blame.

imgpress How to Leave the Comforts of the Cage: DAY 193When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in a desire/want/need towards another where I desire for them to do something for me or be something for me such as ‘supporting me’, ‘helping me’ or ‘standing as a team with me’ and where I’d create an experience of lacking this something that I long for the other person to provide – I stop myself. I stop participating immediately. Because I now see, realize and understand that the only reason why I’d desire for someone else to do or be something for me is because I’ve not been or done that for myself. So all this desire is actually showing me, is where to turn my attention within and as myself. Because I see, realize and understand now that any desire I have towards another will never ever be fulfilled in the context of completion and I see, realize and understand now that once a desire is fulfilled it simply morphs or changes direction and a new desire will emerge from within and as me towards the exact same point/expression or experience – because the point I was looking for/longing for wasn’t really ever outside myself – but always inside myself. So it is like that through this desire towards others, I can actually hear myself calling to myself from beyond a self-imposed veil/wall. So therefore – I commit myself to be diligent and disciplined in bringing my desires back to myself and I am grateful to experience the desires because through them I get to see quite clearly what it is off and as myself that I am separating myself from and so I commit myself to repurpose my desires to be gifts that I can bring back to myself and in turning back to myself I can finally stop chasing elusive fantasies.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and experience resistance towards stopping being against myself – I gently and firmly direct myself back here to the commitment to stopping being hard on myself because I now see, realize and understand that the reason why I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist stopping being hard on myself is because I’ve stood as an endorsement of and an affiliate of the mind and thus the mind’s agenda of survival – while in the process being to my own detriment. As such I see, realize and understand that when I am accepting and allowing myself to resist stopping being hard on myself and being against myself, I am actually acting like a kidnap victim with Stockholm syndrome; I am endorsing my captors and have come to feel more comfortable in my captivity – the difference however is that I’m also the one who elicited my own kidnapping to begin with. So I see, realize and understand that it is of no use to try to negotiate with the resistance – in fact, this merely prolongs the resistance through which I’d accumulate even more resistance. So therefore I commit myself to push through the resistance to stopping being hard on myself – as I see, realize and understand that as long as I accept and allow myself to live in and as this resistance I am living literally against what is best for me. As such I commit myself to sober myself up through supporting myself in writing and listening to interviews and bringing my awareness here to my physical body and breath as I walk about my day.

Self loathing by Meztone 529x1024 How to Leave the Comforts of the Cage: DAY 193When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-judgment and self-nagging as the constancy and consistency of the pattern in and through which I’ve lived being hard on myself and being against myself that I’ve come to accept a form of comfortability towards in accepting that “this is me. I am being good through being hard on myself because it shows that I feel bad and that I am thus a moral being.” I now see, realize and understand that I’ve used guilt, feeling bad about myself, judging myself, feeling pity and being hard on myself all as schemes to not change and to justify not changing myself and stepping out of the mind – and I see, realize and understand now that the solution to this is that I stop endorsing the mind through accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts/desires/fears and backchat. I see, realize and understand also that since I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immerse myself in being hard on myself as a daily encompassing acceptance of “who I am” – I require changing my starting-point from within and which I see and experience myself – as I’ve not disclosed for myself that this starting-point of being hard on myself is not alone useless but also deceptive in that it has the opposite effect of what it present itself as. As such, I commit myself to walk a process of getting to know myself and to begin caring for myself – based on the common sense deduction that when I am best for me, I am best for all – so not based on any form of idea about my goodness or badness but simply based on a practical deduction. If I want a peaceful, harmonic, cool co-existence in this reality – I have to start with myself. If I am raging war inside myself, how I can I claim to be against war? To be against suffering? To be against the abuse of innocent lives? I can’t. Because I’m not.

I will continue with self-corrective statements in my next post.

In the meantime I will practice what I’ve here preached which firstly mean to stop participation in the pattern of being hard on myself and being against myself. Then I will also look at the point of self-care, which I first and foremost see is a point of allowing myself to be comfortable in my human physical body. That’s it.

Thanks for walking with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

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 How to Leave the Comforts of the Cage: DAY 193

Wash your Brain Clean with Desteni and Chris Hedges

March 11, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

gillespinault Wash your Brain Clean with Desteni and Chris HedgesIn this post we are having another look at inverted totalitarianism but this time we are going to go even further and deeper into what that means to be a part of an inverted totalitarian system. In the previous post we discussed how inverted totalitarianism has become the predominant managerial system of our economic, social, political and physical lives on earth – orchestrated by consumer capitalism that generously spreads itself to the far corners of the globe to make sure that every child, woman, man and Chihuahua has the latest plastic gadgets and junk.

Readings for further reference and context:

The Case of Inverted Totalitarianism in the Hands of the Human’s Head: DAY 185

Practical Enlightenment

The Secret of North Korea is Within You

2012 – I am Anu

11240 Wash your Brain Clean with Desteni and Chris HedgesIn this post we are taking the ways inverted totalitarianism is manifested that we discussed in the previous post and having a look at how these are intrinsically existing within our very individual minds and bodies – and even more shocking: how we within the systems we allow to govern us inside our minds, are in fact collectively as individually creating the very world system of inverted totalitarianism as a direct reflection of our inner apparatus and machinery.

A totalitarian system is governed by a leader. Inverted totalitarianism is governed by the mass acting oppressive on itself. That is how it is in our minds as well. No single personality governs our mind, as there is a constant myriad of thoughts, emotions, feelings, impulses competing all at once. We might experience ourselves as a ‘solid singular identity’ but one simply has to look at how one changes that definition according to the environment one is in or the people that one is with. In other words: when you’re depressed that that’s WHO you are. When you’re in LOVE that’s WHO you are. And as such you’ll conclude that you are then a collected whole but in reality whiles you in and as the body is the common denominator, what resides within you is an array and multitude of persons.

The leader of the inverted totalitarian system is not its architect – but its product. This is no different from how we as humans walk around and talk and act like we are the bosses of our own bodies, lives and minds, as though the body is a dog we’ve got on an ever so tight leash and the mind is a child we’re taming – all the while we’ve got absolutely no direction over or understanding of what is going on inside of us. Our inner workings thrive on not taking responsibility – just like in the world system of inverted totalitarianism. We always find a way to blame others or to justify our own position and very seldom do we make the connection of seeing how our actions have consequences that reach far beyond our awareness.

Who then runs us like the corporations run the world? The thoughts do, the emotions does, the feelings do – our imagination does. Like giant billboards and advertisements and commercials and movies – our heads are full of indoctrinated information about how the world supposedly work and how we supposedly work – with word upon word loaded with secret agendas of the mind – the economics of emotions, feelings, desires, fears and experiences that has taken the wheel from any form of principled or political inner management system. No, our principles are for show as opinions where we regurgitate others opinions that we believe will serve us best so that we can maximize profit, live the longest and having the most money and sex. This is no different from how politics have become completely the servant for the economic elite in the current world system of inverted totalitarianism. But how is it possible that the exact same system exists within and even come from our own very heads?

Could it be that we are so powerful as individuals and collectively, that we can change the system and the world through changing ourselves? Could it then also be that we collectively known and have made a collective agreement to forget and to pretend like we don’t know who we are or who’s really in charge of the world?

dsgfsdg Wash your Brain Clean with Desteni and Chris HedgesInverted totalitarianism means that it exists from within and out – in other words that we are literally walking around with an entire totalitarian system inside our heads. And we don’t realize it, we are not consciously aware of it because that is a mechanism that has been installed within the very system: The belief that we are acting in free will and that we are not responsible for the consequences of what is here on earth. This is no different than the North Korean’s belief in the Kim family’s godlike powers or the thought control carried out in the movie The Island.

The thought control work because we make it work, we want it to work. Remember that the politicians and the elite of this world are people none the less – they are part of our pack. It is not us vs. them because we are them, they are us. So a very relevant question that must be asked is why we would create a world with a super-elite sitting on all the money while driving the earth and its inhabitants to its rapid destruction. What is it that we as meat-puppets are getting out of such a system, considering how we collectively have agreed to it and daily are holding it in place through our very minds and bodies?

The answer is nothing and everything. Because what is running the world, is the system itself. What is running us, is the system itself. See – we created a system to take care of life for us, to kill for us, fight for us, live for us and suffer the consequences for us. And in giving it our power – we became its slave. You can’t have power and not be held responsible for the consequences. But that’s how we as humanity has been living, as though someone else is in charge that sooner or later will come and clean up the mess we’ve made, not unlike a teenager throwing a party while the parents are away.

And so the super elite are really a part of us – that’s why we accept them. That’s why we allow them to run the show. Because inside of us same entity resides of greed and fear that has no regard for anything but its own ability to make profit – to be more, to have more. And inside of us the system is governed by emotions, feelings, energetic experiences – and by fear. And as such, just like the inverted totalitarian system keeps the population in check through fear and entertainment, so do we keep ourselves in check through our minds. We run war stories and conspiracy stories and tragedies inside our heads, always with us as the main character. And so we use imagination and fantasies to terrify and soothe ourselves. And the only one getting something out of this mental spectacle is the mind itself, feeding off of the life energy that we produce – just like the capitalist system feeds off of the earth, the animals and the people for no other reason than to sustain itself and grow.

Chris Hedges mentioned how the inverted totalitarian system works through a constant assault of the stability of people’s lives to keep them in suspense of fear, constantly making up new enemies of war to be conquered. We do the same to ourselves in our minds in the endless hours we spend fearing that others won’t like us, that we’re not good enough, thinking about ‘what if’ this or that happens, literally rattling ourselves to exist in a constant state of fear, to which the only remedy is to sink into the soothing lights of the flickering TV screen or the comfort of our own imagination. We participate in wars against our spouses, co-workers and even strangers in our minds. Whatever we do ‘out there’ on the real physical battle field we did it in our minds first. And then we did it again and again and we saw others doing it and then we started living it out because we started accepting it as ourselves and then we started justifying it – and then we went to war on life. We ARE the self-consuming machines of death.

3328553182 649a9d60ca z Wash your Brain Clean with Desteni and Chris HedgesOur inverted totalitarian systems in our minds uses the same ambiguity and paradox that is used by the global media. This can for example be seen in how we try to sort out our emotional issues through manifesting different emotions or how we try and think our way out of our minds with the result of mind-fucking ourselves even further.

Our values and the ‘free choice’ we hold so dearly becomes about deciding between different laundry detergents that contain the same environmentally disastrous content but with different labels. And so we value our opinions and we gladly express our opinions as though that in any way has an actual physical impact on the world – we do so both verbally in the company of other people and in the company of our own minds.

As such the advertising and media industry that feed off of our desires for MORE is created in our image and likeness – not as some evil empire that has nothing to do with us. We’ve created it for ourselves collectively as a species to ensure that our minds and bodies would constantly be occupied. And the real kicker is that there is no good reason. There is no mysterious or wonderful reason for all of this. We created a system – the mind – to run life for us so that we could sit back and not have to lift a finger while cashing in all the good stuff and that’s what it did.

Politicians are therefore also our true representatives. They serve our interests of pretending to care about life while not giving a shit. They are the scape goats we have manufactured to have someone to blame – just like we blame god and each other for the mess we’re in. And just like we blame the elite for being greedy.

The elite of this world might be greedy and obtuse. But they are only that way because we are that way. It only takes one long hard self-honest look inside ourselves to realize that this is true. As such the elite is a part of us that have run amok into a total state of self-delusion. They don’t see what they are doing, they don’t care. They have become psychopaths and sociopaths from having all that money, sometimes for many generations. They’ve lost total contact with reality and with the dignity of life. This can clearly be seen in how a minute elite is running the entire world and earth into destruction. Normal, sane people don’t do stuff like that. And again, if we look deep within ourselves – we will see their reflection looking back at us with a tootpaste white grin and empty eyes.

So it is up to those of us who have a grain of sanity left – to muster the self-will to create a new system of governing inside ourselves first and foremost. We got to get to understand in detail and specificity how our minds operate and how our minds and bodies have become intertwined. We got to understand also how we created this mess in the first place. And then we got to place a new leadership in office inside our heads – a leadership of practical, physical self-honesty and consideration of what is best for us. This is no different than the heroin addict coming out of rehab and having to realign to a new way of living where the thirst for heroin is not the predominant experience. It takes time and practice and getting used to a different way of directing oneself. And then we can begin the process of changing our world systems accordingly – as we in ourselves stand as examples of principled governing, of not giving into the temptations of short-sighted desires that have long-term consequences.

We have to help the elite – not the other way around. Forgive them for they have sinned and they know not what they have done. Just like we didn’t – which is why the elite exist in the first place. But the elite is – because of their amount of money – often too far gone to be able to listen to reason. Just like our own greed and desire and fear won’t listen to reason. You can’t bargain with fear or desire can you? They simply can’t see what they are doing because they’ve got no contact to reality anymore of what’s really going on, on earth. Therefore we have to help them through first sorting our own inner society out and our own living environment and then through standing together as examples of a new form of rationality that is not based on school of thought but on practical, real time assessment of consequences. We need to wash our brains clean of all the lies and deceit we’ve been feeding ourselves through the course of human history. We do that at Desteni at a daily basis, so you’re welcome to join us. We also do that through sharing our realizations and listening to people like Chris Hedges and other voices of common sense which is imperative so that we can break the veil of delusion. We do so through investigating what is actually going on, on earth through independent documentaries and articles and books but also through beginning a process of introspection and self-investigation in self-honesty in having a look at: how am I responsible for what is here and how can I change in such a way that the world changes with me?

21293 627x1024 Wash your Brain Clean with Desteni and Chris Hedges“Engage the problem to understand the problem. Place yourself in all positions to gain a multi dimensional understanding. Observe where you have an interest you want to protect and why you want to protect it and justify your position. For instance – with money – place yourself with little money having to buy food and educate your children, then increase the money and see how your choices change –and then have a lot and see how you change – and then have equal money –enough for all and see why it is you are unable to give to others, yet you want for yourself – why this need to be better exist when it is not based in reality, but rather in an obsession to judge others, in an obsessive idea of inequality that makes you fear others will abuse you if there is equality – then find it in you to correct yourself to transcend the fears that you use to justify inequality –remembering the various conditions you have experienced through your imagination –now you have learned an effective way to use imagination—to understand how others live, without you having to go through it directly –make this experience valuable by changing that within you that cause others to suffer and then you will experience enlightenment and the world will become a better place when you make sure your experience that you integrate of a world where all have enough, becomes the world system in education, economics, education, politics, healthcare –we all have the capacity to teach ourselves –once we have removed our own justifications and fear of others as equals” – Bernard Poolman

 Wash your Brain Clean with Desteni and Chris Hedges

Oops, You Missed a Spot! DAY 112

September 16, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Earth Day  Keep it Clean by XylitolFairy 1024x957 Oops, You Missed a Spot! DAY 112What does it mean when we’re deliberately ‘Missing a Spot’ while Cleaning? And How does that show us ‘Who we are’ in fact? And Why is the World such a mess?

This is in continuation to:

Bad Cop vs. Pure Evil: DAY 111

Staff Sargent F.E.A.R Thomsen: DAY 110

Wrestling Imaginary Alligators of the Mind: DAY 109

At War with My Man: ‘Kill or be killed’: DAY 23

Letting Go of Control Issues: DAY 4

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am cleaning, to deliberately ‘miss’ a spot that I SEE requires cleaning, within/as/through ignoring it – where I KNOW that I am compromising myself and my living environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I deliberately miss a spot that I see requires cleaning, justify this within and as myself through participating in backchat where I speak to and convince and deceive myself by thinking that “well, it’s not that bad” or “I’ll leave it for later” or “I got so much to do so if I do this as well, I won’t have time for the important stuff.” – exactly because I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING and thus to justify why I am deliberately compromising a point that I SEE and KNOW requires direction I deliberately deceive myself to lie to myself and make myself ‘innocent’ to my mind’s eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am cleaning, to do so from a starting-point of ‘wanting to get it over with’ and cleaning from a starting-point of separation of and from myself and of and from the point of cleaning as a practical expression and application of care of my physical living environment – where I am merely pretending to be cleaning and/or do so from a starting-point of merely wanting it to ‘look clean’ and so for example only clean the spots that can be seen while refraining from removing items and cleaning behind them – which exactly is a reflection of who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become where I’ve only cared about my self-image as my presentation of myself while not giving a shit about who and what I am inside myself as my true nature – exactly as we as humanity do in creating movies and advertisements with pretty pictures, covering up and hiding the true nature of ourselves where we’ll clean the surface and leave the real shit to rot in secret – like entire populations starving to death and children being trafficked for purposes of being raped by adults in the same cities that pretend to be ‘civilized’ and ‘humane’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give a shit about my living environment, as my human body, the place where I live or this earth – and that I have in fact only cared about presenting a fake self-image through which I could cover up the true nature of myself and thus keep living out my secret mind while hiding from the consequences of what I accepted and allowed myself to exist as – so that I could keep doing it without taking self-responsibility

tn Oops, You Missed a Spot! DAY 112I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how the fact that I am deliberately ‘missing a spot’ when I am cleaning because I am not in fact cleaning in and as self-support, dignity and integrity in equality and oneness within and as the point of taking responsibility for my living environment – is directly reflecting who and what I am as I am walking my process – because who I am in one moment is who I am as whole – and thus I see, realize and understand how I’ve through my writings for example deliberately ‘missed spots’ and focused only on ‘cleaning the surface’ to present an’ image of clean’ while not in fact going into the nooks and crannies of myself as the ‘dirty house’ I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become – and within knowing exactly what I am doing, I have covered up by coming with all kinds of excuses and justifications for not facing and ‘cleaning’ the totality of myself – in in fact taking responsibility for myself as a living environment – and also how I am within this representative for humanity as all of us and thus are responsible for changing the ‘mess’ of this earth into a living environment of dignity

When and as I am cleaning and I see that I am experiencing that I don’t want to clean a particular spot, I stop. I breathe and I simply direct myself in immediacy to clean the spot in completeness until it is done – and I commit myself to take this principle and apply it into my process of standing up as life in the decision to walk out of the mess of the mind, so to when and as I am ‘cleaning a spot’ through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, make sure that I get in all the nooks and crannies of the particular point I am walking – and walk it through to completeness in immediacy as I see a point that requires to be ‘cleaned’ in facing myself in/as it in equality and oneness and self-honesty through self-forgiveness and in taking self-responsibility for myself in/as it and thus bringing it back to myself as the authority of myself as the creator of myself

And I commit myself to leave no point/part behind as a ‘spot’ that I have deliberately missed so as to not take responsibility for it in covering-it up and hiding it away and abdicating self-responsibility for it through using excuses and justifications – because I see, realize and understand that within leaving a spot behind deliberately, I am first of all postponing the inevitable moment of me ‘cleaning’ myself – within and as facing the consequences of who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become and second of all within in fact leaving it behind I am accepting and allowing it to keep existing and ‘grow in the shadows’ exactly as dust on a shelf that will merely gather more and more dust if not cleaned and furthermore, I see, realize and understand that I, within and as, in any part of my life/participation are leaving a point/part of myself behind and deliberately cover it up – are creating a world-situation where billions of beings are suffering and where the few who in fact are in a position to make a difference are busy covering up the ‘mess’ of consequence – just so that we can continue living our lifestyle of avoiding consequence through abdicating self-responsibility

Give yourself the daily gift of reading the blogs from Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk!

 Oops, You Missed a Spot! DAY 112

Wrestling Imaginary Alligators of the Mind: DAY 109

September 13, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

f753c39ba751 Wrestling Imaginary Alligators of the Mind: DAY 109Is it Possible to Control the Mind? How do we Control the Monsters of the Mind? Must we Fight Them? How do we Develop Self-Trust in a world without Trust?

I am here sharing a point of feeling myself totally powerless towards having discussions with others. And so when I do ‘share’ my perspective – it will not be in breath, here breathing, supporting another unconditionally as myself or in common sense, but will be a ‘hissy fit’ in fact of blame, resentment, judgment, spite and desperation. I literally make it a fight. The worst part is that from what I can see at the moment, there is no distinction between points that in fact ARE unacceptable and that requires correction and support and points where I am interpreting what my partner is saying from within a reaction in myself. This means that I have no effective way of directing, trusting or assessing myself in the moment of communication. Often it leads to fights where I am primarily the one that is fighting, where I’ll raise my voice to a higher pitch and go into ‘discussion mode’ which I experience within myself as ‘battling the beast’ – almost like I am here as a ‘god fearing’ Christian person who is battling ‘the devil within’.

I’ve applied self-forgiveness and written on this point quite extensively on my Danish blog, however it still happens, and afterwards I feel ashamed, feel shitty, evil and guilty. In the moment of experiencing anger, I definitely experience it as righteous and even necessary for me to become angry as I perceive myself as being ‘up against’ a sort of ‘mind/ego-monster’ that is extremely powerful and resourceful and that can twist my words and manipulate me to doubt myself and take the blame on myself. This specific experience comes from memories of past relationships where I did this – but obviously all of it, is reflecting my relationship with myself. Afterwards I experience myself depleted and strained in/on my physical body.

When I bring this back to myself I can see that these points most often emerge when I have compromised myself in my own living participation, when I have shown myself that I cannot be trusted to care for what is best for all, when I have sabotaged a point of responsibility that I have taken and I am fighting inside/with myself believing that I must control and contain my own ‘beast’ or ‘monster’ of self-interest, ego and inconsideration.

Le Moyne lithograph of Timucua Indians hunting alligators 300x232 Wrestling Imaginary Alligators of the Mind: DAY 109So if I bring all of this back to myself, this is what the point is: I am not effectively directing myself to live in a way that is best for all. I fight with myself as ‘who I am’ in/as self-interest/ego in actually perceiving/experiencing/believing/accepting ‘who I am’ as self-interest/ego to be ‘more than’ and ‘stronger than’ me. This is based on memories of myself ‘giving in and giving up’ where I know that I have a tendency to do so and accept that ‘this is who I am and will be’ and instead of directing myself in practicality, self-support and common sense, I’ll judge myself and fight myself and believe that I must ‘control/contain the monster’ to become someone who can be trusted with caring for what is best for all. And as I accept myself – yet suppress and separate myself from/within/as – so will I see, perceive and experience my partner in/as a direct reflection of my relationship with myself. I am in fact ‘the monster’ that does not care and I am also the one who does not trust myself to care because of holding onto memories/definitions of myself as being untrustworthy and therefore have employed a point of self-control/containment to ‘deal with the issue’ which does in fact NOT deal with the issue, because my starting-point within that has been accepting that ‘this is who I am and will ever be’ and as such accepting myself as ‘the monster’ as superior and myself as the directive principle to decide who I am/will be as inferior as well as suppressing myself as ‘the monster’ in judging/moralizing it as inferior and presenting a superior character of ‘care’.

WHO is ‘The Monster’ of Self-Interest, Ego and Justification?

If I am cleaning and my starting-point is to “just get it over with” I will often neglect a specific point that I see requires cleaning. In that moment I know exactly what I am doing, I know that I am compromising myself and my living environment and I’ll come up with justifications like “well, it’s not that bad” or “I’ll leave it for later” or “I got so much to do so if I do this as well, I won’t have time for the important stuff.”

I do it through procrastinating deliberately – and it is within this deliberateness that I undermine and devalue my own self-integrity – I see what is required yet I CHOOSE not to do it, because I DON’T WANT TO. An example can be resisting any point of application and then complying with that resistance. That is undermining my own authority as directive principle and thus my development of self-integrity. I thus can’t trust myself to act in the best interest of all, because what is currently sitting in the driver seat deciding where I’m going is who I am as the mind, as self-interest and ego. But then at the same time, on top of this, I’ve placed another image of me as a responsible driver sitting there steering myself towards a world that is best for all. Clearly a point of self-deception.

I discussed all of this with my partner and he also pointed out that the main point in all of this is self-distrust where I allow thoughts/backchat/emotions and feelings to be the directive principle of how I care for – and control the cats and him and that I don’t trust myself to be here in the moment in directing myself HERE. The point that then immediately came up within me is: “well of course I can’t trust myself . Just look at me .” And then I’ll start listing in my mind all the reasons and ways that I can’t trust myself. What I’ve seen within this is that if I hold onto the belief that I can’t trust myself and within that experience it as righteous because I am saying to myself that “At least I know that I can’t trust myself and then take measures of control to ensure I don’t do harm”. When I think about the fact that I can’t trust myself, I experience a sense of ‘pride’ almost, like I am being ‘really self-honest’. “I am SO self-honest that I can admit that I can’t be trusted. That’s at least something.” But then when am I ever going to trust myself? When am I ever going to allow myself to build self-trust if all I do is remind myself how I can’t be trusted? And is that not exactly perpetuating the self-distrust in that I through that give myself permission to ‘not be trustworthy’? Yes. The cats thus represent my relationship towards ‘life’ as the process of changing myself to become a person that cares for what is best for all and that acts accordingly in every moment. The cats are what I see/define as Life/Innocence. My partner represents my relationship with myself in/as the mind and then the pivot as the question of how to live effectively as what is best for all, represents my process of walking myself out of the mind and into the physical in equality and oneness.

imgpress 300x236 Wrestling Imaginary Alligators of the Mind: DAY 109The solution:

What I see as the solution is that I must identify how I am untrustworthy to myself and then change these points of participation from self-distrust and compromise to self-trust and self-integrity, within and as changing the directive principle within which I apply myself in the particular point – and in all points. Furthermore I see that I require releasing and letting go of the belief/acceptance that I can’t be trusted/am not trustworthy. Because I can see how I’ve been using that as a backdoor to justify why I can’t apparently trust myself and then if/when I allow myself to deliberately compromise a point of participation, I can say: “see, I said I could not be trusted.” I believe that I must control my way out of the mind, that I must ‘smoke it out’ with force and contain it, like wrestling a giant alligator and using constraints to control it because I know that it’s stronger than me and would eat me in a second. The thing is though that there is no alligator and the alligator is not fighting me. It’s merely doing what I’ve programmed it to do in my abdication of myself. So it’s like instructing the mind to drive me for me, so that I can sit with my feet up and ‘enjoy the ride’ and then instructing it to “whatever I do or say, don’t let me take over the steering wheel” and then suddenly start yelling and screaming that “I must now take over the steering wheel” and “why are you driving? Why are you not letting me drive, it’s my car”. Lol.

alligator crawl 300x243 Wrestling Imaginary Alligators of the Mind: DAY 109So this entire point is actually utterly simplistic – because the point is for me to start taking responsibility for myself and that means within the immediacy of the moments of my day because that is where ‘the real shit goes down’. This is the point – to change/direct/correct myself within and as the menial moments of my daily participation and to change all these points, point by point, writing by writing, breath by breath, until I’ve stood equal to and have directed myself in self-responsibility and are simply here directing myself immediately in the moment. I can’t trust myself because I have not directed myself in every moment to become someone who can be trusted. It’s as simple as that. Wallowing in me not being able to trust myself is not going to change a damn thing – on the contrary. It’ll only open backdoors for me to slip through saying “sorry, I couldn’t help it” with a cheeky smile on my face and blushing cheeks. It’s not a matter of turning this point into an emotional farce/drama of saying “ohhh nooooo, I can’t trust myself, I’m so bad and evil” OR to say: “I can so totally trust myself, I’m awesome, it’s everyone else who’s fucked.” There is absolutely no practical reason for me not being able to change and direct myself in self-trust, trusting myself to develop self-trust. And there is absolutely no practical reason that I can’t live with my partner and the cats in a way that is effective, through me standing as an example within my relationship with myself. So that is my directive from here on out.

In my next post I will commence with self-forgiveness and self-corrective commitment statements.

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 Wrestling Imaginary Alligators of the Mind: DAY 109

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