May 3, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Today I went to Pilates class after having been absent for a month due to the pain in my hip which I wrote about in Part 1 of the writing out of this point. The instructor assisted me in how to exercise in such a way that I do not compromise the hip – the essential point is to utilize my “powerhouse”. The powerhouse refers to the muscle groups around the abdomen, thighs, lower back, and buttocks that one is to strengthen for stability, flexibility and strength in the body. Until now I had only focused on the stomach muscles and during the last year I have worked extensively with becoming strong in these muscles. I had completely disregarded the buttocks and thigh muscles, resulting in my application in Pilates not being effective at all, I was wavering – because I was not effectively supporting myself through creating an actual powerhouse of support.
The instructor assisted me to feel the difference when using the powerhouse and suggested that I focus on “being in the body” and “feeling the body” and I realized that I have been entirely disregarding these points – why? Because I have allowed myself to participate from a starting-point of 1) a desire to lose weight and prove to myself that I can be strong and effective – thus inner competition and comparison to an ideal image of myself in my mind and 2) competition with the other participants in the Pilates class.
So I could see, how I through this new application of support, can actually support the hip because I did not experience instability at all nor pain in the hip while I was doing the exercises. I have to however slow down and do the exercises very carefully, which means that I cannot immediately go back to the more advanced exercises. This is interesting because I have push myself too hard in becoming strong that I have actually weakened myself and now have to start over with building myself up from the beginning. I could literally see how I could “come together” with the various muscle groups to form a “band of support” around the now fragile hip. And all of this can be related directly back to myself.
So the ‘powerhouse’ is myself as walking process effectively and directively where I am here as the body, supporting myself through awareness and specificity in terms of where to place stability to support “weakened” and compromised points – that is what I have compromised for competition through comparison, in not remaining here and focusing on supporting myself to walk out of the mind and into the physical. Instead I have focused on strengthening myself in only a part of myself, thus compromising other parts because I disregarded what was actually required: patience, perfection, specificity. That is the “powerhouse” that I can create myself into and as. If one part is disregarded or compromised, the entire house falls. If one part is over-exercised, the entire house falls. Only by establishing equilibrium in fact, is it possible to create a stable foundation for oneself to live in and as. And this is done through meticulously making sure that all points are directed by self. I Pilates it is: “do I have my stomach, my lower back, my bum, and my thighs in place? Are my shoulders relaxed? Are my feet flexed? When is it too much?” It is no different in the general process of walking myself out of the mind: “Am I breathing? How do I experience myself? What is this experience? How did I create it? What would be effective support at the moment?”
So the powerhouse is the directive living of being aware of how to provide stable and consistent support for oneself, wherein and from which one can challenge oneself to get stronger, while supporting parts that are still too weak to carry themselves. And what is furthermore interesting is that while I was doing these exercises, I experienced intense pain in these new parts of my body that I had not focused on before – exactly as when we walk a new point that requires training and consistent implementation before we become effective and natural in our application. This requires patience. It was the same when I started exercising my stomach muscles – in the beginning I did not even think it was possible for me to strengthen them, but as I continued applying myself I became stronger. Now that foundation is in place and even though I have not exercised for a month, the strength is still here as well as the ability to direct myself within it, because I have established a point of consistent application where I simply “do it”. I have gotten to know myself as the stomach muscles – not completely or entirely in all dimensions – but within one initial dimension and as such established the beginning of an intimate relation with myself as the stomach muscles, suddenly feeling parts of myself that I had never experienced “awareness” within or about before. Now I simply got to do the same with the other muscle groups – though within a changed starting-point – and as such within and as the entirety of myself.
I can see how I have compromised –and never in fact lived – actual strength, because my strength have been based on building up energy and forcing it out of and as me into physical application and then crashing when the energy dropped. And I have been addicted to this energetic experience, refused to let it go even – because it felt so good to feel strong. But I was not strong in fact. And in order for me to become strong in fact, I require starting from the beginning – none the least with the self-honest realization of my “weakness” and resistance to change and tendency to self-compromise and competition – all the elements through which I can potentially harm myself if I do not act with care and consideration for the totality of myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I can only walk effectively if I walk joined in the process of directing myself to walk out of the mind between the parts of myself that I have separated myself from, into and as but that is not separate in fact – so within walking in a “joined effort” I recognize in self-honesty the truth about who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in and as separation of and from myself and at the same time that I do not accept that I am separate in fact and as such establish a point of “joining together” in bringing all parts of myself here
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that if one part of my body or myself is compromised, then the rest is suffering – exactly as the suffering of one human being or part, is both compromising and harming the whole and at the same time, the whole is responsible for the suffering of that one part and can by standing in a joined effort take responsibility for that one point and support it until it is strong enough to stand and live effectively.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize how I have allowed the body to carry the weight of the mind as dead-weight of delusion in which I have allowed myself to exist in a constant suffocation of myself as life only allowing myself a bare minimum of breath and space in and as myself to make sure that I do not realize myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize the cruelty with and within which I have enslaved myself to exist in and as the only point of self-emancipation as the human physical body, yet enslaved to the delusion that the body is in the way of the mind and that it is the mind that is enslaved to the body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an artificial form of equilibrium, balance, stability and balance that is based on the constant “balancing” of energetic polarities where there is no real stability, balance or equilibrium in fact and where I instead exist in a constant war with these polarized parts of myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to develop and establish actual stability within and in and as having separated myself from stability and as such not recognizing or accepting myself as stability because I have only accepted and recognized stability based on the balancing of energetic polarities.
I forgive myself that I, within and as existing in and as this artificial equilibrium that I have created for and within myself, have accepted and allowed myself to have to constantly maintain a balance between energetic polarities, that because it is not a real balance – which would be constant – must constantly be adjusted and through which I allow myself to abuse the body and suck the life-force out of it so that I can “spend” energy on “holding myself together”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive, experience and accept myself as the “lax” “sinner” and try to become and live up to the “saint” as a stipulate that has been created by someone else, outside separate from me. “If you do not become a good girl, you cannot participate” – when in fact all this is, is a polarity manifestation of an energetic relationship that can only exist within and as a constant friction and fighting.
I forgive myself that I, within pushing myself to become strong, have accepted and allowed myself to weaken myself because I have pushed myself through, within an as energy and in fact have abused myself and the physical body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise actual strength and stability through accepting and allowing myself to participate in competition and comparison in not remaining here and focusing on supporting myself to walk out of the mind and into the physical.
I forgive myself that I Instead have accepted and allowed myself to focus on strengthening myself in only a part of myself, as ego, energy, self-interest and ideals of and as myself, thus compromising all other parts, as the whole of myself because I disregarded what was actually required: patience, perfection, specificity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise the totality of myself, through preoccupying myself in one-dimensional mind-realities of self-interest, fear, competition and ego and as such disregard all of myself
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to create myself into and as a powerhouse of self-support where I through, within and as the strong parts of myself where I have already established effectiveness support the parts of myself that are still weak to become strong and as such create a joined point of self-support where all parts support the bringing all parts of and as myself together in and as walking out of the mind and into the physical
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that for me to establish a new starting-point as a powerhouse as a foundation of effective walking, I require training myself in and as patience in a consistent and constant implementation and application of the new until it is established as a natural point of self-expression
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and never in fact live actual strength, because my strength have been based on building up energy and forcing it out of and as me into physical application and then crashing when the energy dropped.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become addicted to this energetic experience of apparent strength and stability and as such have refused to let it go even – because it felt so good to feel strong – instead of actually pushing myself to establish an actual point of stability and strength and patiently apply myself in training this point until it is implemented as a natural expression of and as myself
I commit myself to establish myself into and as a powerhouse of self-support where I join in to support myself to develop and establish myself in and as strength and stability as an expression of who I am as self-support
I commit myself to stop all energetic polarities and all forms of expression and application of and as myself that is based on energy and instead establish actual consistent equal application through patient training and directive establishment
I commit myself to strengthen and stabilize myself in my application of and development of myself as a powerhouse, as a coming together of and as all parts of myself that I have separated myself into and as, until I have brought all parts of myself together and I stand as one and equal with all that is here as myself
I commit myself to stop dependency on energy for me to move, express and live here – and to instead support myself to develop actual real strength and stability as an expression of myself
I commit myself to support myself to develop a physical powerhouse in, of and as this human physical body that I live with, within and as through strengthening all parts of myself, becoming aware of all parts of myself as the physical and bringing myself here in and as the human physical body
I commit myself to establish a point of self-support as a powerhouse where I begin the establishment of a stable foundation from where I can re-create myself as sound, whole expression of what is best for all – and to do that remove the rubble of ruins as the ivory-towers of delusion that I have attempted to build myself up into and as, so that I can create a foundation of certainty and self-trust from where I can walk and stand for eternity
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