Purification of Self in and as “hard work”

When I was four years old, I clearly remember a situation where I was forced  by the care-takers on my kindergarten to knit a key chain. I resisted every moment of it. The point for them, was to teach me to sit down and do something, because I was always on the move, always moving around. It was a sort of signature of my childhood.

Actually I felt uncomfortable when I sat down and did nothing or specifically when I had to do something that took effort and time. I saw it as a waste of time. I felt trapped. This has basically become a way of living for me, because ever since, I have resisted doing that which I am not good at and specifically that which takes time, patience and dedication. I have for several years had a theory that it is about me running away from myself, existing as a propelling forward and when  I stop, I am faced with myself. It has become a way of surviving through suppressing myself here. This is why it is so assisting for me to discipline myself, structure myself and to work consistently with a project until it is done.

I have chickened out of facing myself directly, in silence and in “simply being here” as well as in the point of dedicatedly learning a skill. With the excuse of this being “boring”, “hard work” and that I am “inadequate” to do it. I have never allowed myself to learn anything that took a long time to learn and that was difficult. I have had a direct aversion against such points – actually fear.

When I was a child I wanted to learn how to knit and when I heard about the “obligations” of what it required, I lost interest in it. This is but one example of the many, many points I have started only to quit immediately as I realized that it would take effort to succeed within and become effective at.

When looking at it now, I feared being enslaved to the point of knitting – the commitment of it and I also feared walking the process. I was also simply lazy – I did not want to put in the work. I wanted everything ready here and now and if it was not, I feared missing out. It is this propelling forward point again – more, faster, quicker. And in this it has been about consuming the world, gaining or about impressing others – not about the joy of knitting itself – or that is what my initial starting-point was, but I dismissed myself within that. In fact I have dismissed myself this entire time.

Self-Forgiveness and investigation on the point of resisting “Hard Work”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being alone with myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I am alone with myself without a point of stimulation

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that being “with” myself indicates that I have perceived myself as separate from myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from myself and within doing so perceive myself as either with or without myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be without myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive myself as “with” myself, only because I have created a point of separation as being “without” myself

I experience fear because I am not satisfied with my realizations in writing. I want more.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to get back to how I was writing before

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect more of myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect less of myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to condition, define, judge and perceive myself according to the past

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compare myself to how I perceive myself in the past

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete with a past image and self-definition of and as myself

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to push through the resistance towards writing myself out in self-honesty and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make excuses, justifications and for having deceived and manipulated myself through thoughts and emotions to give up on myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept fear as my friend and protector

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, define and experience the experience of fear as energy and a knot in my stomach as a signal that there is danger a-head, when in fact all there is, is the mind and how I either accept myself as the mind or not

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to write as compared to an image of myself from the past and thereby and within that condition myself, separate myself from myself here

I write Here – I am Here – I will not allow myself to compete because I do not accept winning and losing as the premise for my existence as it has proven itself useless.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resist writing based on a resistance towards walking process to the end within and as an expectation of process to be “long and hard”

It was exactly the same as when I was child and wanted to learn to play guitar, knit, play handball and other points – I gave up immediately within looking at the prospects of the process of actually learning the skills. I have used this pattern and/personality to give up on myself in this process. It is the same when I have looked at the SF required to stop the mind and start birthing self as life and when I have looked at the MC – it looked “too hard” – that it was going to “take too long”. And I have refused to face myself in this because I have been ashamed that this is who I really am – lazy and a coward.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame my mother for having allowed me to become a lazy coward

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abdicate myself in and as having allowed myself to become a lazy coward by abdicating self-responsibility and projecting the responsibility for me having allowed myself to become a lazy coward onto my mother

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge and define myself as a lazy coward

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to take the point of being a lazy coward personally, instead of realizing that it is a specific personality-construct in the general self-enslavement and separation that I have allowed myself to be and become

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to give up on myself immediately upon facing a point that is not easy for me to excel in and which I have to practice patiently and consistently before seeing the results I want

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist as impatience

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear and resist that which I cannot easily control or direct

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to excel only in that which I already found easy

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist within and as a constant state of self-abdication and giving up on myself

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that when I said no to learning knitting, I was in fact giving up on myself within not wanting to waste time learning a skill

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and fear that I would be wasting time by learning a skill or dedicating myself to learning something

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear missing out of something else, were I to commit myself to a specific project or point

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to regret and feel disappointed in myself for not having allowed myself to dedicate myself to learn a skill or dedicate myself to a point

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be everywhere at once and for fearing to tie myself to one point or one expression and thereby missing out on others – instead of realizing that it is within this fear and desire that I have enslaved myself already

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear not being good at something

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear the experience of not knowing how to direct or solve a point

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately resist points of difficulty because of the experience I had when faced with such points

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create, manifest and participate in an experience of inferiority towards that which I do not already know how to do and therefore avoid doing it to not have to feel inferior

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear not being in control of my reality and therefore having deliberately avoided all points I did not quickly understand so to hold my “head above water” at all times and not risk “drowning” – instead of realizing that by allowing myself to be directed by fear, to suppress myself, to resist facing myself, to restraint and limit myself to follow this fear, I was in fact “drowning” in not allowing myself to expand

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify to myself not pushing through the fear and resistance to learn something that requires dedication, time and patience, by believing it to be a waste of time and by devaluating it

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to waste so much of my life resisting that which I find difficult instead of pushing through the point and pushing myself to learn until I am self-directed within the specific point at hand

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resist learning and expanding myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see and define learning as a waste of time

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist as a waste of time

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a positive self-defined personality of being against the system, specifically within and as, in relation to going to school and learning – and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use that as an excuse for not facing myself within and as the fear of that which I am not already good at or that which I find easy already

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear hard work

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of fearing hard work

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see myself with the eyes of others and within that judge myself as a spoiled, ungrateful brat – instead of realizing that it is purely me seeing myself as such

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to give myself a chance to learn something

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be patient with myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to excel and thus refuse all and anything where I did not immediately excel

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear hard work within and as perceiving hard work as enslaving and thereby misunderstanding the point of enslavement in this world, which is not the work itself but the system within which it exists and who and what we are within that

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resist and avoid hard work because it is hard

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resist and avoid all and everything that I perceive as “hard” or “difficult”

I Forgive myself that I have never Accepted and Allowed myself to live and express the expression of pushing through resistance fully and unconditionally

I Forgive myself that I have never Accepted and Allowed myself to live and express myself in and as the expression of stamina

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define, accept, perceive and judge myself as “someone without a spine”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to want life to be easy, enjoyful and fun, but without wanting to do the work to ensure this

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to give up immediately on myself when something is not as easy as I want it to be

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive, see and define “hard work” as negative.

Through this writing I have been wondering where this point originates from – because it is clearly to do with the word “hard work” and specifically in relation to that work, I see how I defined and perceived my mom as hard working and all I saw was how she was tired and enslaved to this work, how it was fucking up her body and how we were both compromised because of it. So that explains somewhat my aversion against “hard work”.  But this is only one layer of the point, because the point of refusing to dedicate and discipline myself is not about that. It is interesting how my schooling was actually supporting the point. Often with these points however there is a specific memory or trauma that has triggered this specific behavior, but I cannot identify it. I remember this point as I mentioned already as far back as 4 years old. So it might have emerged even before that, as a “who I am”.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to associate “hard work” with the memory of my mother working at the eldery home when I was a small child and how she hated the work and her own experience of herself at the time

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to limit, condition and enslave myself to define, perceive, judge and experience hard works as negative and bad associated to how I saw my mother when I was a child.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from ‘hard work’ as persistent application and pushing through in working in and as the physical

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear becoming my mother within and as her experience of herself as I perceived her when I was a child –and therefore and thereby having resisted, refused and avoided all I perceived as possibly being “hard work”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being enslaved, losing myself, being in pain, being bored, having to compromise myself were I to do “hard work” OR do something which I do not find enjoyable or easy.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to enslave and limit myself to only be motivated and only move myself to do that which I already perceive as fun and easy

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to associate working dedicated and patiently and which required pushing and discipline and consistently with “hard work” and because I perceived “hard work” as negative, I did not allow myself to work as such.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being enslaved and trapped if I am to do that which I have perceived, defined and judged as“hard work”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear losing myself if I do that which I have perceived, defined and judged as“hard work” “hard work”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see, define, judge and experience all actions and work that is not immediately fun and easy as “hard work”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent “hard work” because I resent what “it did” to my mother, instead of realizing that it was not the work that “did it” to my mother, but my mother who allowed herself to feel enslaved and miserable

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear “hard work”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear the existence of “hard work”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent that there exists such a thing as “hard work”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to associate “hard work” with men working in a coal mine or children working with rocks as slaves and Chinese factory workers that work 24/7

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being enslaved to hard work

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear facing “hard work” as it exists as that which we as humans are forced to do, where we directly abuse and deteriorate the body

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept the existence of “hard work” as it exists as abuse and exploitation

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that much of the comforts and pleasures that I can enjoy are a direct result of someone else’s “hard work” in which they’re enslaved and forced to work to survive and abuse themselves in order to survive – and I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that the comfort I have been able to enjoy is directly made possible by the fact that others are working as slaves to survive

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to face myself within and as the implications of “hard work” in and as this world and why it exists the way it does – as a direct consequence of the capitalistic system of inequality

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist deliberately in ignorance of the suffering of those that “work hard” because they have no choice and who’s working-conditions are fucked so that others can feel and be rich.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear and resist an refuse to face myself within and as the inequality in which “hard work” exists

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for having allowed myself to exist within and as justifying inequality through deliberate ignorance and self-deception

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of having allowed myself to exist within and as justifying inequality through deliberate ignorance and self-deception

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify myself within and as deliberately ignoring inequality and abuse within and as “hard work” as it exists in and as this world, through the desire to live an easy and comfortable life

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of having justified abuse and suffering through the desire to live an easy and comfortable life

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame myself for having deliberately ignored suffering as dismissible and not concerning me

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that within and as resisting, denying and fearing “hard work”, I was in fact fearing myself as the manifestation of deliberate abuse and inequality as exploitation through capitalism that I have accepted and allowed myself to  be and become as well as the cowardice through which I have “tackled” this point by sticking my head in the sand and making all kinds of excuses as to why I should not face this suffering, abuse and inequality directly and within self-responsibility

I stand one and equal with and as the abuse that I have allowed through justifying inequality and within that exploitation as “hard work” of some for the benefit of others.

I do not want to live in a world, where some are forced to allow themselves to be abused and exploited in order to exist and where others are deliberately ignoring the fact that their comfort and pleasure and easy living is only made possible by the suffering of others.

Re-definition of “hard work”

My personal interpretation of “hard work” is related to the idea of “hard work” within and as the society, where “hard work” on one hand is considered admirable and honorable and on the other side “hard”. “hard work” is within this also associated to someone who is dedicated, pushing forward and who has stamina – perhaps even initially referring to physical workers, but transmuted into all areas of work and study : “she was a hard-worker” – is a positive expression. So one side of it, does in fact refer to the enslavement of working, referring to physically hard labor. And the other side is referring to a character-trait with a person. I’ve then created a mixed version of the word.

But: to redefine the work, it makes no sense that being dedicated and pushing oneself is defined as “hard” – so I see no reason that this word requires to keep existing, except for referring to physically strenuous labor that requires physical strength. That is the common sense definition that is not polarized.

The point in relation to me here, is more referring to the act of someone pushing themselves through an activity that is not necessarily easy and the motion of pushing in itself as well. But I would like to all that something else.

I do not yet have a specific word for this but I know exactly what it means.

I dedicate myself to push through this and to not accept myself to limit myself to perceiving specific work a specific way.

AS LONG AS IT TAKES – WHAT EVER IT TAKES – UNTIL IT IS DONE

This is my new motto of application.

‘Easy Living’ is not supposed to be at the expense of others – In fact that is not cool or acceptable in any way what so ever. Easy Living is supposed to be easy because it is enjoyable for all. Because no one is forced to work or to abuse themselves to survive.

Vote for an Equal Money System – For a Dignified Life for All.

Change the nature of self from self-denial to self-dignity.