The Cruelty of Not Caring About Yourself: DAY 208

May 28, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

I’ve been sick today with some kind of stomach flue. I am supposed to write self-corrective statements on the self-forgiveness I wrote in my last post. But I can see that I can’t. Because I can’t yet say that I will now do what is best for me. That wouldn’t be self-honest, because from where I’m standing at the moment: I know I won’t. It is absolutely absurd and it doesn’t make sense, but there you have it. I don’t want to do what is best for me. I had a chat with my buddy about it and she said the following in assisting me to understand the pattern I’ve been facing:

“So – you’re cruel for not taking care of yourself but you don’t take care of yourself because you’re cruel”

We were talking about how I don’t take care of myself when it comes to my physical body in many respects, for example through eating food that isn’t good for me – which is most likely what has caused the stomach flue as a consequence. And the bottom line of this is a fear of being cruel. This was one of the very first points I brought up on the Desteni forum when I first started participating, a fear of being evil – or a feeling that I was evil. So because I fear and believe that I am cruel, I act cruel against myself and then become cruel which gives me the fuel to continue believing and accepting myself as cruel. It is interesting because every ‘fiber’ in me says RUN AWAY! From writing this blog post. So obviously this is the spot-on point since I experience such a resistance to not walk through it. Whenever I look at the point of being cruel to myself and/or the point of caring for myself, I feel myself going into a state of panic or feeling cornered and then I just blank out. Meaning that I don’t see any profound reasons or explanations. And there’s also a loop of backchat within me holding onto the cruelty towards myself as a justification. That I’m not ‘allowed’ to care for myself, that I don’t ‘deserve’ caring for myself. And somehow that makes me feel righteous. Somehow it makes my apparent cruel nature ‘better’ – to punish myself for it.

So I’ve rather successfully installed a mental firewall in my head towards this aspect of my relationship with myself and at this point I still don’t understand it. But that is because the mind doesn’t make sense – in common sense lol. It is a deranged personality’s logic that fits into a delusional perception of reality for example impulsed by religious concepts of good and evil and what it means to care. I’ve written about this extensively from various angles in various blog posts.

So before commencing with self-corrective statements I am going to give myself this blog post to write this point out – also so to ensure that I don’t just write statements that actually aren’t self-supportive but rather self-sabotaging because I know that I’m not gonna live them.

So – why do I like being cruel? Why don’t I want to do the things I know are good for me? Why do I want to do things that I know aren’t good for me? Why don’t I want to care for myself? What am I getting out of being cruel to myself? Why does it feel good to be cruel to myself? I know that I feel ‘free’ when I do things that aren’t good for me. I know that I find the things that are good for me ‘restrictive’ and ‘boring’ like I’m missing out if I don’t do it. I also know that my mother has a similar pattern in her life and that this dates back to when I was a child and lived under strict food restrictions. But is all of this just one big excuse for me being cruel to myself? What does it mean to take care of oneself? Why do I feel such a resistance to caring for myself?

Let’s have a look at common sense. If I have a look at the world system as we’ve currently created it, it is quite an accurate ‘replica’ or reflection of what’s going on in my relationship with/to myself. We’re accepting and allowing suffering of some parts of ourselves as life while prioritizing other parts – namely the parts that are artificially created. Something that I’ve found fascinating is how we will as humans prioritize things that we experience and perceive as ‘escapes’ from ‘the real world’ – like drugs, sex, obsessions with food and various kinds of entertainment and shopping. We do all these things to create a little ‘lightness’ in our lives because apparently ‘real life’ is too hard to bear. What we don’t realize is how we’re literally creating the hardship of life through our very prioritization of things that doesn’t really matter. How many vote in American Idol? How many care more about who wins in American Idol than actually voting for things that matter? And so why is this? It is because when we’re faced with the reality of things, we’re also faced with the fact that we’ve created the world as it is – as such: our own cruelty. And to face that, the only viable option is to then take self-responsibility for the world we’ve created and start cleaning up the rubble so that we can build a new world system: a system of care.

I often find it heartbreaking when I look at what I have exposed myself and my body to in the name of some absurd desire and hollow fantasies. And this is no different from what we’re facing with the world as a whole.

So I am doing things that aren’t good for me because I believe that they offer me an ‘escape’ from facing the truth of myself – while digging myself deeper into the shallow grave that is my mind. It is like the snake that eats its own tail: an infinite loop that can only stop when the snake realizes the delirium of its action – when it stops the gnawing and chewing mechanism that it has accepted as automated. Animals in captivity often behave like this, become neurotic and self-abusive as an odd self-defense mechanism. And so do I. It doesn’t make any sense. But I can see now that what I am facing is not a personal construct as much as it is a universal ‘problem’ if you will that extends from me to the whole world and the other way around. I’ve never learned to care about myself. I don’t even know how – except for some glimpses I’ve had from moments when I allowed self-care to emerge as well as from seeing others developing self-care.

It’s the old tale of how we jaw lock ourselves into an acceptance of ourselves as sinners by insisting that we’re sinners in order to purify ourselves yet in actuality it was all a charade in justification of sin – a carte blanche should we ever stand face to face with god. That’s the Christian version. In reality it is ourselves we fear standing face to face with, not realizing that we are never anything but faced with ourselves, no matter where we turn or how deep we stick our head in the sand.

I see, realize and understand that the time has come for me to make the decision to care for myself. I see, realize and understand that the consequences if I don’t is pain and suffering, not only for me, but for the rest of the world as well as I would join in and be yet another voice in the choir of the dead (or rather the dying) that sing their dirge of self-pity and deceit. There is no reason for me not to care about myself. Yet I can see all around me the evidence of how I haven’t. I see, realize and understand that in order for me to care about myself I have to change. And I also see that I can’t change if I don’t care about myself. Here I am not talking about a ‘feeling’ towards myself but an active practical self-care of making directive decisions to do that which I know to be best for me and to refrain from doing that which isn’t best for me – in the understanding also of why I would even want to do things that aren’t best for me. I see, realize and understand that it is a mental disorder to not care about oneself. It is a mental disorder to want to do things that aren’t best for oneself. Yet it is how I’ve lived my entire life as though it is perfectly normal. It is how we live in this world as a whole, why we go to war, why we drink alcohol, why we abuse ourselves. We’re literally and criminally insane. So this is what I got to understand: when I feel the urge to do something that I know isn’t best for me, like eating foods that I know will upset my stomach – this impulse isn’t ‘who I am’ – it is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become but it isn’t the ‘who’ I decide to be from here on out or that I see is the best ‘who’ I can be. I see, realize and understand that when I feel an urge to do things that aren’t best for me – often even BECAUSE they aren’t best for me, that I am listening to the mental disease that I’ve developed myself into and as. And as long as I listen to the disease, as long as I participate in the disease, as the disease, I’ll only dig myself further and further into it, in and acceptance of it as ‘who I am’. This is what I hear in the back of my head as a subtle whispering voice: “But it’s who I am, I can’t help it.”

Isn’t that exactly what we humans say? “I can’t help it, I’m only human.” So this gives me a clue to understanding that this particular pattern isn’t only about me. It isn’t personal. Yet it is personal in the context of all of humanity as a whole and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stand as an equal example of criminal insanity. I’ve learned it from my parents yes – my father was manic-depressive and tried killing himself many times when he was depressed. When he was manic he was trying to save the world and cure other people, as he was a psychologist. My mom was an alcoholic and daily struggle with the desire to drink. So I’ve got lots of ‘excuses’ to blame it on my ancestry. But isn’t my true ancestry in fact all of humanity collectively and together? And if this is a pattern that is reflected in the world system as a whole, then it isn’t just about me or my family: it’s about the fundamental acceptance of ourselves as participants, creations and creators in, of and as this existence.

I am not done writing about this. In fact I’ve barely begun. But I commit myself to walk myself to the point of self-commitments. Because I see how easy it could be to make a big deal out of this point and ‘beat around the bush’ while actually procrastinating the point of change. And I also see clearly how self-forgiveness is the solution to this relationship with ourselves as cruelty where no care is allowed. As long as I believe I am cruel and accept myself as cruel, I will continue to do cruel things to myself and as an example in this world. Through self-forgiveness I can give myself the opportunity to not only releasing myself from the sin I believe I’m submerged in but also take responsibility for it and make the decision to live in and build self-trust through placing one foot after the other as a self-directed decision to live self-care, dignity, respect and integrity.

Until next time…

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The Cruelty of Not Caring About Yourself: DAY 208

Tags: American Idol, Cruelty, Cruelty to animals, fear, Forgiveness, Human, humor, self esteem, Self-Abuse, Self-Hate, Self-Judgment, Self-Sabotage, Sinner, Sinning, United States
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Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207

May 25, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this post I am commencing with self-forgiveness on the points I mentioned in the previous two posts, which I specified from negativity to a particular relationship that I’ve developed towards resisting things that I know are good for me. As I have been writing these blogs I have noticed how extensively resistance has become a directive that I live by and through that have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my process of change. I see how through resistance I am literally standing in my own way, like placing a mental and energetic wall between myself and the movement to change. I see how I have brainwashed myself to trust my feelings and emotions and especially the experience of resistance. I have proven to myself before that the only way through resistance is to walk through it. Yet I still experience resistance to many things in my life that I know are good for me I am therefore pushing myself here to lay out this pattern and take responsibility for it as myself instead of blaming it on emotions, feelings, energy or the mind in general. I have come to see, realize and understand that I am nothing but a zombie, an emotional zombie. A zombie is a creature who was once alive, but who now is undead, slowing rotting away and I am my own cure.

This is in continuation to:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do things that I know are good for me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I know that I am compromising something that is good for me, accept and allow myself to sabotage myself, my physical body, my process to change and my participation in and contribution to this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself and to be brainwashed and indoctrinated into believing that what matters most in this world – all that matters – is how I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely oblivious towards the fact that emotions and feelings are energetic structures of the mind and NOT the real substance of and as me as the physical. As such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard that which I know to be true, for an illusion and for a brainwashed ‘self’ that I’ve accepted as myself – as who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the self-delusion, self-deception and illusion that my emotions and feelings are my true self speaking to me/as me as directives for where I should go or how I should act – in spite of me knowing very well or at least understanding that emotions and feelings aren’t real as physically manifested facts that can be cross-referenced as real by all life and that undisputedly supports a life that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how extensively I’ve allowed myself to be brainwashed into submitting myself totally and completely to and immersing myself in emotions and feelings when I do in fact understand what emotions and feelings are, yet haven’t made the effort or decision or directive within me to stop participating in emotions and feelings but instead have allowed myself to constantly and continuously throw myself happily into any and all emotional or feeling based experience and possession

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse and justification to myself and to others that I am too weak to stop participating in emotions and feelings, that I am simply an overly emotional person and therefore I can’t help it – when the matter of fact is that I have deliberately made myself an emotional person and I have decided for myself to make emotions my directive principle and to immerse myself in them and abdicate myself to them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to actively honor the experience of resistance through having a long time ago already decided that resistance is a good thing, it is me protecting myself, it supports me to not go into situations where I might get hurt – and so now, even though I know and understand that resistance isn’t what is best for me, I still accept and allow this new understanding and principled living decision to be override by my acceptance of resistance as a directive principle

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience resistance – the act more than the feeling – as a positive self-application of self-protection and self-care because in the past when I’ve resisted something that I didn’t want to do, I felt like I was dodging bullets and that I was – through resistance – actively preventing myself from ending up in harmful situations

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a completely unbalanced and dysfunctional relationship towards the act of saying ‘yes’ and saying ‘no’ in how I’ve created myself in such a way that I would force myself to say yes to things that I knew weren’t good for me based on an idea that I had created within me as a form of ego boost that I could set myself free by breaking all boundaries and taboos within me, while conversely saying ‘no’ to things that I actually knew would be good for me in the belief that I was protecting myself from possible harm, all the while I was most often the only one causing myself harm. And as such I see also that I applied the act of saying ‘no’ in an attempt of balance out my tendency to say ‘yes’ to things that weren’t good for me yet I completely missed the point of actual self-support, self-care and self-honesty within and as this application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make resistance – the feeling and the act – a habitual pattern that I automatically follow because I immediately as the emotional reaction of fear and apprehension towards something or someone comes up recognizes and accepts this as real and valid instead of in that moment directing myself in alignment with my new understanding that resistance is a mental defense-mechanism of the mind that utilizes the combination of energy, imagination and thought and back chat to create a simulated ‘threat’ that is then validated because I have already accepted emotions and feelings as real and valid indicators of reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become such a slave of resistance that I don’t even have to convince myself and believe that there is a threat anymore, I simply automatically recognizes the experience as real and then because I do in fact know that it is not – I instead use backchat to lie to myself and convince myself that there won’t be any significant consequences to me resisting as well as using procrastination as a way of convincing myself that it is okay that I resist because I can do things later

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor or value the potential of myself as who and what I can be and become in directing myself to walk through resistance as I know to be the only solution, as walking through it step by step – just like I’ve walked myself into it, step by step

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand ‘who’ it is that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as – through my immersing myself in and submitting myself to resistance – as nothing but a personality-system made up by some specific programmed responses that has absolutely nothing to do with living or functioning in reality – where I am not even alive, because all my focus goes to ‘protecting’ myself FROM becoming life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to birth myself to and as life – to become alive and I forgive myself that I’ve instead accepted and allowed myself to give in and give myself up to an energetic mind-possession that has no logic or reason to it as resistance that is nothing but a feeling and is not substantial in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand and admit to myself that I am not in fact alive – my body is alive and breathes – but myself as the directive principle is not alive – because I’ve confined myself to be dependent upon the feedback of thoughts, emotions and feelings and have imprisoned myself to only move myself according to the reactions I experience within and as my mind, where I filter everything in my world and my reality through how I see and perceive things in my mind in thoughts and how I feel at an emotional and feeling level

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know and understand the extent of my brainwashing in/of and as the mind as the abdication and submission of myself to thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings – when in fact I didn’t understand at all as I’ve continued to accept and allow myself to be completely run and directed by the mind constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what has held me locked into the mind is my own active participation in the mind as I’ve so completely immersed myself in the mind that even when I did start realizing, seeing and understanding what the mind was and who and what I am within and as the mind, I still didn’t stop and I didn’t want to stop and I deliberately kept myself immersed in and as the mind through my direct and constant participation

In my next post I will commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

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Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207

Tags: Breathing, Cognitive Distortions, cognitive psychology, Emotion, Energy, Experience, fear, Forgiveness, Mind, Physical body, sefl-defence mechanisms, Slave to emotions, survival mechanism, Understanding
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Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202

May 4, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this post I will be prescribing self-corrective and self-commitment statements on my relationship to positivity and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my participation and application dependent upon ‘how I feel’. The point of this is so that I can walk my days and apply myself without relying on energy , so that I can establish actual consistency instead of wavering between ‘ups’ and ‘downs’.

For context, please read the previous two posts on positivity:

When and as I see and recognize that I’ve stepped into the ‘peak’ character where I suddenly feel and experience myself as being invincible and that I can suddenly do anything, I stop. I remind myself that what I am experiencing is not real because it is in fact an experience and that I’m defining myself as being able to do anything because of an experience and not because I’ve expanded myself in and as self-direction and self-expression. I stop participating in the energetic experience and I see, realize and understand that I can simply apply myself here, practically, physically and self-directively without having to energize myself. So within this – I commit myself to stop participating in positive energetic experiences and I commit myself to stop allowing myself to define the ‘peak’ experience as real, because I see, realize and understand now that it is not.

When and as I am in the ‘peak’/positive experience and I see that I don’t want to stop participating in the experience and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to make the justification to stay in the experience because I suddenly feel more capable and able than otherwise, I stop myself and I breathe and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body. Because I now see, realize and understand that I actually am not more capable or able and that I’ve made myself believe this because I’ve made myself dependent on feeling energized to feel able and capable. So I commit myself to stop lying to myself and I commit myself to instead focus on establishing actual real capabilities and abilities that won’t simply disappear when the energy wears off.

When and as I see that I am in a ‘peak’ experience and that I want to remain on that peak because it feels like I’m finally ‘more than’ who and what I usually experience myself as, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am actually not ‘more than’ and that the only reason I experience myself as ‘more than’ is because of the pendulum experience of going up from having been down in accepting and allowing myself to be in a general experience of ‘low’ and feeling ‘less than’. So I see, realize and understand that I’ve made my definition, experience and acceptance of myself entirely dependent on energetic experiences that run their course completely independent from who I am or how I direct myself because it is like the energies have a life of their own and I am being swung by the pendulum from side to side without having any control over when I go up or down. So I commit myself to stop believing that I am suddenly more than and I also commit myself to stop conditioning myself to being dependent on energetic experiences because I see, realize and understand that this is an unstable and unsustainable way to live and if I accept and allow myself to be contingent upon energy to direct myself, I’ve got absolutely no self-direction which essentially mean that I am not the director of my own life and that energy is.

When and as I see that I’m accepted and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I can sustain my positive energetic experience, I stop. Because I now see, realize and understand that I can’t sustain this experience, I can’t control it or contain because I’ve got absolutely no control over the energy – quite the contrary: I’ve accepted and allowed the energy to be in control of me. As such I commit myself to stop the belief that I can control, contain or sustain the energy. I commit myself to stop believing that I am in control of energy and I commit myself to instead establish direction of energy through stopping participation on energy.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to believe that I’m not really in a positive experience and that “this is simply who I am, I’m awesome” I stop myself. I commit myself to become self-honest with myself as whom and what I am within my direction of and as myself. Because I see, realize and understand that I know when I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a positive energetic experience. As such I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to go into denial and pretend like this is who I am, when in fact what I’m experiencing is the positive polarity of the negative polarity that I’ve accepted as my ‘natural state of mind’ which is why I in this positive experience, experience it as though I’m finally surfacing from having drowning. I see, realize and understand now that I’m not actually ‘surfacing’ – I’m merely experiencing the energy fluctuating from a low to a high. As such I see, realize and understand that actual surfacing is to stop participating in the mind, in energy and come back to this here physical reality and myself within and as the physical.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that it’s good to be positive I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that the positive energetic experiences can’t exist if I didn’t come from a negative energetic experience and as such the positive really comes from the negative and it isn’t really real. The high isn’t a real high when it’s contingent upon the low. I see, realize and understand that real expansion; real change is based on practical self-movement.

I commit myself to stop letting energy control me and be the directive principle of and as me. I see, realize and understand that it will take a process for me to walk through because I’ve made myself dependent upon energy. As such I commit myself to flag point and investigate and identify when and as it is that I’ve stepped into and as an energetic experience of positivity or negativity. I see that it is easier for me to identify positive energetic experiences because it is indeed ‘peak’ experiences whereas negative energetic experiences have become quite a ‘comfort zone’ or natural experience for me. As such I commit myself to also investigate negative experiences that I’ve taken for granted as ‘who I am’ because I see, realize and understand that it is from the negative experiences that I’ve accepted as ‘who I am’ that I’ve made myself want to ‘peak’ as though being positive would sort out the negative. So I commit myself to investigate who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as my relationship to negative energetic experiences so that I can release myself from energy and establish myself here in the physical as a stable and common sensical self-directed human being.

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Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202

Tags: Definition, Energy, Experience, fear, Forgiveness, highs and lows, Mind, peak experiences, Positive energetic experiences, Positive energy, Technology, think positive, Understanding
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Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201

May 1, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this post I will continue from the last post with applying self-forgiveness on positivity specifically in relation to the point of wanting to remain ‘on the high peak’ within and as feeling and believing that when I’m positive, I am ‘more able’ and when I’m negative I am ‘less able’ — something that has pretty much been governing my life and my daily participation rendering me inconsistent because my participation is largely based on whether I’m ‘on the high’ or ‘the low’. As such I’ve also limited my capabilities to be dependent on feeling positive and have thus made myself entirely dependent on energetic experiences to either move myself more or less effectively.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take note of the fact that I’ve stepped into a ‘peak’ experience of positive energy where I feel energized and feel like I can do anything and be anything and that I’ve got tons of energy and in spite of knowing that this is an energetic experience and that it is not real, I’ve gone along anyway because of the experience of myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I otherwise perceive and experience myself as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain on ‘the peak’ because I experience and perceive myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I otherwise am and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can stay in the state of being ‘on the peak’ if I just contain it and hold onto it long enough, even though the same thing happens every time, that I eventually crash and go into neutrality and negativity only to revisit the peak again, holding onto it and crashing in a never-ending pendulum experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can’t remain as or contain or hold onto positive experiences or experiences of being ‘on peak’ because these experiences aren’t based on an actual real living self-expression but on fluctuating and conditional energy that is unbalanced and ungrounded

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into denial when I access a positive experience because although I know that it is an energetic experience through which I’m causing myself to suddenly see and experience myself differently, I deceive myself into believing that it is real and that I’m somehow ‘broken through to the surface, like I’ve accomplished something and finally NOW are ME again, when what I’m experiencing is in fact an experience of superiority in feeling like I am ‘more than’ who and what I usually experience and perceive myself as which is then actually the negative side of the polarity. So it is like: “I’m finally coming through, hell no, if I’m gonna leaves THIS experience, I’m awesome, I can do anything!”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize, understand and acknowledge that who I am when I am ‘on the peak’ is not in fact WHO I AM – certainly not if this experience can be changed at any moment into its total polar opposite because I wanted it so bad to be true, I wanted to be better and I wanted to be more

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that expanding my abilities and my capability, changing how I see and respect and accept myself is not about feeling good or better or more about or than myself – but about practically, physically changing myself both in terms of expanding and not accepting myself to limit myself – but to do so as an actual practical application and self-expression and not as an energetic fluctuation that can change at any moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being positive, feeling positive is in fact good and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify remaining in my experience of positivity because of how I experience and see myself as being able to do more and then think to myself that: “but hey, this is good – I’m good, now I’m getting work done, I’m disciplined and can handle everything and can support everyone in the process.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how me being positive is actually based on my acceptance and experience of myself within and as negativity where I experience myself as ‘less than’, where I’m not directing my own capabilities or abilities but am accepting and allowing myself to exist conditioned to moods and feelings and emotions and thoughts and limitations – so that when I get ‘on the peek’ is like freedom from myself where it feels like I’m free from my limited self, but it is all about a chemical imbalance in my body and mind like being on drugs

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that ‘who’ I am and experience myself as when I am positive is not actually who I am but merely an example as who I am is what is here all the time, constantly and continuously while I’m busy preoccupying myself into and as energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop participating in positive energetic experiences and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop defining myself according to how I experience myself energetically and instead develop myself into and as real, physical and practical application where I decide and live who and what I am as a self-directed self-expression that is constant and continuous and that cannot be waivered or moved by any influence but is simply who I am.

In my next post I’ll commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

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* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
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* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
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* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Tags: Blame, Energy, Experience, fear, feeling positive, Forgiveness, Mind, negative feelings, peaking, Perception, Positivity, Understanding
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For Better or Worse: DAY 199

April 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

The reason why I started writing about relationships and making videos about relationships was because of the vast amount of points that I saw coming up in my own relationship – in particular all the characters and personalities and reactions creeping out from any nook and cranny in my mind. In many ways it is like becoming a monster or realizing that one had been occupied by an alien invasion because having gone from being a seemingly ‘civilized’ person, suddenly one is displaying one dysfunctional feature after another. And obviously we learn all of this at home, through seeing our parents and how they interact as well as seeing adults in general interrelate not to mention how we ‘perfect’ the insanity while growing up.

In most of the relationships that I’ve had so far I simply walked out when the insanity started peeking out and I never ever stayed and try to salvage the relationship. I simply switched off the ‘love button’ and happily moved onto to another adventure in the hopes that this new partner would be comprised of such a chemical composition of personality and temper that simply being with them would immediately cure any insanity or ‘hole’ I had within me. I literally believed that my only problem was simply not finding the ‘right one’ and that once I did, I would magically turn into the perfect woman – simply by being in my partner’s presence. Obviously that never worked out and I blamed my partners.

So now I am here in a relationship that is by no means perfect and I am acutely aware that I am responsible for any imperfections that my relationship may endure, because the relationship consist of me and my partner and I’m bringing everything I’ve ever been into this partnership and I am asking the partnership to deal with my insanity – because when you live with someone day in and day out for several years, at some point you just can’t keep the floodgates shut anymore and the ‘real you’ starts seeping through. And this is what has happened to me. I’ve quite successfully managed to hide myself in all my relationships – including friendships and to some extent family relationships. Because I could always just leave and move and go home to myself and be alone. Now I can’t do that anymore.

And when it is suggested by Desteni to prepare oneself absolutely before entering into an agreement – it is no joke. I wasn’t prepared – and it was not so much not being prepared to live with another or to even be faced with another’s ‘demons’. It was my own demons that I wasn’t prepared for, the demons that oddly enough only come out in relationships – even in my life alone with myself they didn’t come out. Because I had made myself ‘civilized’ and ‘functional’ through suppressing all sides of myself that I did not consider ‘good’. Or I would simply go home and hide under the covers.

To clarify: the ‘bad’ I am talking about here is for example all the little tricks we learn in relationships, emotional blackmail, self-pity, seduction, sweet-talking, blame, projection, judgment, sarcasm, parenting, policing, victimization, dependency, co-dependency, self-sabotage, addiction, justifications, lying, cheating ….. you name it. And each person has their own spin on these relationship ‘games’ that we’ve learned, each person has created their own approach to surviving in relationships with other human beings.

The difference is that I am walking this relationship as a Destonian and my partner happens to be a Destonian. As such we are walking an Agreement. The agreement is that we will walk together in sorting ourselves out. It is in no way romantic or beautiful or necessarily harmonic – and why not? Because I am not. In the context of this discussion it also doesn’t matter whether my partner is walking with Desteni or not, because I would have been confronted with my own demons either way – simply by being together with someone for that long.

The point that I am facing is that I wasn’t prepared when I entered into this relationship. As such I hadn’t established a stable foundation of walking my own process before expanding myself to walk with another and face what may come through that. A lot of things have developed already and I’ve perfected myself through walking with a partner, however the relationship ‘demon’ still rears its head – and it has many, many heads. Like I said, even in being alone I had kept these parts of myself hidden from myself through creating some fake form of civilization. Many people can probably relate to how otherwise these ‘demons’ only come out in what would appear as random moments, in traffic or when dealing with bureaucracy over the phone. It doesn’t happen very often – but in a relationship it does, because it is like one’s buttons are constantly being pushed.

So I will continue walking this process in these blogs and in the videos and I will continue focusing on the most prominent ‘demonic’ relationship experiences that I see is prohibiting me from actually embracing myself and embracing an agreement with another. I mean, I am starting here from scratch. Everything I know about being in a relationship are things that serves no purpose in a living agreement where two beings come together to support one another to become one’s full potential.

The whole point of being in a relationship was from the beginning that I thought that the other person was supposed to be like an anti-dote to the venom I believed to have inside me – but what I am realizing is that it is more like the relationship is showing me that I need to be my own anti-dote. Oddly enough the relationship is showing me that I can’t run from myself or escape the consequences of whom and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become. It is giving me the opportunity to face all parts of myself and first and foremost those parts that are not best for all life – so that I can in fact change myself and become a human being that I would want to live with and as, for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to face myself through an agreement with another and I would not trade the shitstorm of facing my own demons with the dull life of deception in blissful self-containment and suppression. At least the shit is in my face. That means that I can deal with it, wipe myself clean and actually give myself a fresh start.

Redefine your relationship course for the serious student. Check it out here.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Tags: Demon, Desteni, Family, Forgiveness, Human, Intimate relationship, marriage counsling, marriage problems, relationship, relationship advice, Relationship problems
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The Power of Self-Victimization: DAY 198

April 15, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In the last blog posts we started touching upon how the memories of feeling ridiculed and laughed at, actually were memories of blame and self-victimization hiding a point of self-righteousness underneath.

This is what I will focus on as I here write self-forgiveness to release myself from this pattern and personality of taking it personally when others laugh – whether or not their intentions are to ridicule or not.

This post is in continuation to the following posts:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find a power within myself in victimizing myself and giving another the blame/responsibility for who/what I am as I in the ‘giving’ experience myself as powerful and can manifest the result of not having to take responsibility for myself and thus I’ve ‘won’.

I forgive myself that I’ve not ever accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand how the starting-point of my ‘inner victim’ is actually self-interest, ego and power in deliberately using inferiorization and blame to ‘win’ over others in making them look like the bad guy and therefore make them responsible for my experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to dwell on and take pride in being ‘sensitive’ and ‘vulnerable’ and ‘easy to hurt’ and ‘weak’ as though that made me a better person while in fact all of it was constructed characters that I had cloaked myself underneath as manipulation tactics

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how that which I experienced as vulnerability weren’t that in fact, but was in fact a deliberate character I’ve used to manipulate others to get what I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how through victimizing myself I am actually making myself weak because I end up believing my own scheme and through blaming others and making them responsible I am actually making myself completely powerless

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately take it personally when I experience another person laughing at me where I actually have a moment of opportunity to be able to discern why the person is laughing but also who I am within and as it and accordingly direct myself in the best way possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I can only be ridiculed if I accepted and allow myself to feel and experience myself as ridiculed

When and as I see that I have a moment of opportunity where I hear someone laughing, I commit myself to breathe and to simply hear the laughing for what it is, not as anything that defines me. When and as I see that the laughing is in fact ridicule, I commit myself to not react or take it personally but to look at how I can assist the being to see what they’re accepting and allowing and take self-responsibility or if I see it is required or necessary, to simply walk away and not participate. When and as I see that the person’s laughing is not ridicule, but they’re laughing at the ridiculousness of my participation in the mind I commit myself to breathe, breathe and not take it personally but to instead embrace the opportunity I have in that moment as a gift that person and practice the point of actually laughing at and with myself as a point of self-support.

In my next blog post I will continue with the next point.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

The Power of Self Victimization: DAY 198

Tags: Blame, Bullying, Experience, FAQ, fear, Forgiveness, Laughter, Perception, Physical body, Ridicule, Ridiculed, teasing, victimization
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Ganging up on Life with Loyalty to the Mind: DAY 196

April 3, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog post we are digging deeper into the fear of being ridiculed and laughed at that we touched upon in the last blog post. In this blog post I will focus on bringing the point of responsibility back to myself rather than remaining in blame towards those who has ridiculed me – or who I perceived as ridiculing me – and through self-forgiveness I will release the relationship I’ve created towards the memory and experience of feeling ridiculed and laughed at and through self-commitments I will prepare the way before me so as to prevent myself from reacting when seeing someone laughing perceivably at me.

In the last post I outlined a list of the specific points that had emerged through the writing, so I will move through these point by point as I progress with self-forgiveness and self-corrective/commitment statements.

1) Taking perceived ridicule personally and blaming the person ridiculing

2) Defining myself according to ridicule as small and stupid

3) Becoming furious and feeling desperate towards ridicule

4) Deliberately ridiculing others to bring them down

5) Deliberately adopting a specific humor and style to avoid ridicule

6) Suppressing my self-expression to avoid ridicule

7) Defining myself as a serious and sensitive person

1. Taking perceived ridicule personally and blaming the person ridiculing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personally if/when someone is laughing while I am in a ‘serious mode’ where I immediately activate a series of reactions within and as me pr. Automation within and as an experience/belief/acceptance that that is how I’m supposed to feel and experience myself when someone is laughing at me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not question the fact that me being serious in the context of when I react to someone perceivably laughing at me as a ‘mode’ and thereby a ‘mood’ and thereby a mind possession where I am thus only reacting and taking the laughter personally because I am holding onto my mood and don’t want it to be disturbed by laughter or lightness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself and admit to myself that the reason why I’m reacting and taking it personally when someone laughs when I am already in a ‘mood’ is because I actually feel threatened to risk losing my energetic state of mind possession if I were to allow myself to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation because that would actually be me acting in opposition to the mind and literally stepping out of the mind in that moment

(Just a side note: I’m not here talking about those moments where one is for example innocently expressing oneself and then someone would deliberately mock you – that’s a different situation that I will walk self-forgiveness in relation to at a later stage)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret – deliberately and as such manipulate and deceive myself through misinterpretation of another’s expression and reason for laughing – in that they’re actually standing as a point of support in showing me the ridiculousness of the situation – but where I’ve deliberately decided that they’re being mean and sarcastic and spiteful and then accordingly with drama have moved myself into what I believed to be an appropriate reaction of feeling humiliated and hurt and blaming the other person and feeling victimized – all the while it was a show I put on deliberately so that I could remain within and as my mind-possession with the single purpose of generating energy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with/within/as the mind to the point where I’ve merged myself with the mind so that when a thought comes up in my mind I believe it to be reality not realizing how I am like busy following a ‘mad man’s fuzzy logic’ and convincing myself that it is common sense, while the practical reality evidence clearly speak the opposite to be true, in terms of how I become hysterical and anxious and can go as far as going into a panic attack based on the fear of being laughed that I activated but that didn’t have anything substantial to do with the situation of another laughing besides it being a similar memory that I could use to manipulate myself to go into a mind-possession

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how just because I am entangled in/as/within the mind, it doesn’t mean that I am not responsible for the mind and it doesn’t mean that the mind is responsible for me – because I am the source origin of the mind and therefore the mind is my responsibility and not the other way around – even though that seems very far away right now in how I’ve abdicated myself to the mind and I’ve been living in this delusion of trusting the mind to take responsibility

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow a reaction of panic and fear and feeling hurt and humiliated within and as myself when I hear/see/experience someone laughing when I am being serious. I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand how I’ve actually harmed and abused myself and my physical body when I deliberately deceived and manipulated myself into reacting, not at all in any way caring about how that reaction would affect my human physical body because I only cared about myself and my self-interest of simply getting energy as life-force to make me feel alive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to remain loyal to the mind – in the sense that I didn’t stop participating in the reaction but instead went along and went into it, even when and as I saw what reacting was doing to my physical body in terms of intense stomach ache

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do to my body just because I’ve affiliated myself with/within/as the mind in a cowardice of and laziness to standing up within/as myself as life-force substance

Self-Commitment and Corrective Statements

When and as I am in a discussion/argument with another and I see and hear that the other person is laughing, in that moment I breathe. Within this I direct myself to prevent myself from reacting and when and as I see the mind-movement within me within and as a moment of hesitation, I simply stop myself and through breathing and physical awareness stabilize myself here. Within this I commit myself to push the point within and as myself of being able to laugh with the other person and actually laugh myself out of the reaction – and enable myself to not take myself so seriously so that I can actually allow myself to be supported by the laughter as a bridge where I allow the other person to assist me and then I can apply the point of laughing myself out of reaction as well myself. I commit myself to stop taking myself so seriously through deliberately applying laughter in situations where I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into a ‘serious mode’. I commit myself to stop manipulating and deceiving myself into a reaction through deliberately taking it seriously when another laughs at me and through equating the laughter with situations of actual and unacceptable ridicule that I then superimpose onto the current situation and make myself react based on an idea/belief of how one is supposed to react when being ridiculed. I see, realize and understand that a reaction is never a proper response to an unacceptable situation and therefore I commit myself to stop using reactions and stop believing that I can use reactions as a way to deal with and direct unacceptable situations. I see, realize and understand that I’ve superimposed actual ridicule onto the situation with taking things too seriously deliberately as a manipulation tactic against myself from within and as the mind – through my direct endorsement and participation in and as the mind. I see, realize and understand that I’ve harmed and abused my physical body through accepting and allowing myself to be loyal to the mind and through not questioning or stopping the mind when and as I saw what reacting was doing to my physical body. I see, realize and understand that I as the mind is like a mad man of delusion that is obsessed with gaining more and more live-energy and that there’s absolutely no real logic or common sense to the common sense of the mind. Therefore I commit myself to stop being loyal to the mind – and I understand that this will be a process to walk through because I’ve entangled myself and merged myself within/as the mind. So I commit myself to push myself to the utmost of self-honesty as I write these blogs and self-forgiveness. And I commit myself to write self-commitment statements that I can immediately apply myself according to that is practical and direct and simply, so that I have a solid point of stability to walk from/within/as, as embark upon the journey of walking out of the mind and into myself as life.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

In the next post we will continue walking the self-forgiveness process.

Tags: being a bully, Blame, Bullying, Chemical reaction, Definition, Experience, fear of being ridiculed, Forgiveness, how to stop bullying, Laughter, mobbeoffer, Mobning, Perception, Physical body, Ridicule
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It’s My Pity-Party and I’ll Die if I want to… Die if I want to: DAY 194

March 30, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

The follow writing is the accumulation of several days of writing and processing. In this blog I was supposed to write the last of the self-corrective statements for the self-forgiveness I’ve walked on being hard on myself. But a curious thing has occurred since I wrote the last set of self-commitment statements: I’ve been extra hard on myself. I’ve not only been extra hard on myself, I’ve also gone into the infamous self-pity character from where a ‘golden’ backdoor opens into the land of wasting time in the most unproductive ways. And the only way I am able to stop myself is through seeing how this cannot possibly be me acting in the best interest of myself – meaning that while I am ‘in the zone’ of “I’m so bad, let me soothe myself” – it feels right. It’s an addiction. But when I get my head a few imaginative inches above ‘water’ I see how absurd it is. It is a self-destructive pattern – period. It serves no purpose. And yet I’ve let it take me over, more than once. More than I can count. The physical experience is that my head is buzzing and I feel squeezed extremely tight inside my body. So what I wanted to say is that I see that there’s no point in my writing the final self-commitment statement on the point of being hard on myself without taking its polar opposite – it’s creepy cousin into consideration. Because obviously everyone can sympathize with the guy that is being too hard on himself. Like I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve seen quite an honor in taking such a position. But who the hell sympathizes with the guy that throws pity parties in his underwear while eating Kentucky fried chicken and ignoring the starving children knocking on his door? This is obviously a gross caricature based on self-judgment, yet it is also not untrue– so what is important is that I cover both sides of the polarities. I’ve written extensively, extensively about these two polarities throughout the years and so what I see is that it is not information that is missing. It is the practical application of that information. And so I can’t only correct the point of being hard on myself – I see that now, because it is intricately connected to the point of pity-partying myself. So I will go through my self-forgiveness statements and I will look at self-corrective measures – however I will focus on doing that more realistically in relation to how the pattern actually plays itself out. Because obviously since my last post, the beast was awakened and showed that the self-corrective measures I had taken was not strong enough… yet. I still want to be hard on myself, so that I can pity myself, so that I can give up on myself and ‘be free’ and not have to take responsibility. And it my inner madhouse that ‘freedom’ is defined as ‘the freedom to consume whatever I want to without anyone being able to tell me what to do.” And this is like an eternal mantra repeating inside of me that I put mildly finally have started to get sick of. Inside of me I go: “oh my god, not this again, I can’t believe I fell for it – AGAIN!” And obviously it is not something that I ‘fall victim’ to – oh no. I’m an accomplice through and through and at the same time there’s a part of me that I’ve turned off so that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. So what I will be doing here in this blog post is writing out self-corrective statements that I can simplistically change myself according to based on seeing the entire play-out of the “being too hard, turning to self-pity” point.

Here are the previous blog posts in this series for context to what I’ll be walking here:

When and as I see that I have made a mistake or where I think that I’ve done a mistake or where someone else points out that I’ve made a mistake – I direct myself in that moment to stand by myself and to not go into a reaction – because I see, realize and understand that I’ve created a relationship to mistakes where I see them as so terrible that ‘all is lost’ and ‘it’s all fucked, ruined’ and ‘I might as well lay down and die now’ type of experience inside myself. It feels like being hit in the stomach and having all the air sucked out of me. And when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to having made a mistake where I want to hide and suppress myself and say ‘to hell with it all’ that’s the moment I flag, and put an alarm on and have blink lights go off in my mind as to THIS IS WHERE I STOP. Because I see, realize and understand that me making a mistake or perceivably making a mistake is the activation point from where I activate the trigger point of reacting to the fact that I’ve made a mistake and it is from there I go into being hard on myself, blaming myself and eventually pitying myself to the point where I give up on myself. So I commit myself to first and foremost stop disallowing myself to make mistakes. I hereby grant myself permission to make mistakes – though not deliberately as a carte blanche – but I grant myself permission to make mistakes so that I can’t use mistakes against myself within and as the mind. I’ve made nearly all the mistakes in the book, like I’ve made the mistakes. I see that I’ve created this relationship to mistakes due to instances in my childhood where I had made mistakes and was shocked upon being ‘caught’ by adults and this is the pattern I’ve been repeating over and over. And I see, realize and understand clearly now that the self-pity phase of the pattern is in direct blame and spite towards ‘the adults’ which I perceive as having wrongfully accused me, now played by: myself in my mind. So I’m playing all the parts in my own little psycho-drama, even this part. So yes – from now on I am allowed to make mistakes. I won’t accept or allow myself to disown myself because I’ve made a mistake. I’ve made mistakes before, I’m still here.

So I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to being against myself and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get some form of sadistic kick out of spiting/hating/judging/ridiculing and disregarding myself.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-deprecating backchat such as thinking that “I’m an idiot”, “I’m such an idiot”, “I’m such a failure”, “I might as well just die” to stop in that moment, simply stop what I’m doing and flag this particular backchat. Because I see, realize and understand now that I have been deliberately deprecating myself in and as a positively energized character/personality/pattern where I enjoy and get a kick out of belittling myself and being hard on myself. I’ve literally been addicted to the energetic experience that I, as the mind have gotten out of being hard on myself. I see, realize and understand now that being hard on myself serves NO practical purpose in my life. It’s not about me being self-honest and forthcoming; it’s all about an addiction to this particular form of energy. And I commit myself to let it go. I let of this energy and I let go of this addiction to this energy. I realize, see and understand that I DON’T have to be hard on myself to live effectively – quite the contrary as I’ve proven to myself. As such I see, realize and understand that I don’t have an excuse to stop being hard on myself. And I see, realize and understand that the only purpose with this pattern/personality/character is to launch myself into the cyclic pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and eventually giving up on myself and I see, realize and understand how this is an defense mechanism of the mind because as I’ve established I activate this pattern when I’ve either made a mistake or perceive myself as having made a mistake. As such I am in that moment in a potential point of transformation if I were to take the mistake and walk the point of correction OR realize that I didn’t actually make a mistake and such stop diminishing myself. So this is the core-realization from these writings. I have been hard on myself, pitied myself and given up on myself to prevent myself from changing and correcting myself.

As such I commit myself to establish a new direction in my relationship to making mistakes. I realize that I can’t simply say that now I’m fully okay with making mistakes –because I’m not. So what I am going to do is to place here a self-corrective application to first and foremost prevent myself from activating the pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and giving up on myself. So I commit myself to as soon as I’ve made a mistake or perceive myself as having made a mistake – to breathe the mistake and be here with the mistake and embrace the mistake, instead of fearing it and pushing it away. So I will test this and I will test myself and I will see what works. Because I simply got to change my relationship with the point of making mistakes. Because I realize that mistakes will and do happen. And if I can’t even handle making a mistake, how I am I going to be able to walk this process? If I, every time I make a mistake go completely haywire in my mind and activate an entire infinity cycle (time-loop) – then none of this matters. Then I’m wasting my time.

I commit myself to let go of and to STOP seeing being hard on myself as a good and positive thing. I realize that it is not and that the only one that’s getting something out of me being hard on myself is the addiction to energy that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to. I see, realize and understand that I am harming myself when I am being hard on myself and that I am fucking myself and manipulating myself to activate the cycle. So I stop.

I see, realize and understand that the ONLY real solution to making a mistake is to embrace the fact that I’ve made a mistake without judgment or fear and to then simply look at the practical correction necessary. I commit myself to practice STOP being afraid of making a mistake until I have no more fear for making mistakes. I commit myself to take myself in the hand and walk with myself in and as who I am here – mistakes and all – because I see, realize and understand that I am my responsibility and no one else’s. No one is making me do anything. No one else is blaming or judging me for making mistakes, only me. So I see, realize and understand that only by walking with/as/within myself in taking my own hand – being my own hand – can I stand fully self-responsible and self-directed and thus I see, realize and understand that I’ve misdirected myself to believe that I had to be hard on myself to contain my own evil only to realize that the harder I’ve been on myself, the more out of control I’ve also been – and as such, the two are interwoven and connected. So I commit myself to practice, practice, practice the point of being here with myself – of being on my own side. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve automated the point of being hard on myself so therefore at first I realize that it will require my pushing myself to change this pattern until I have changed myself and no longer have to push.

I commit myself to change my relationship to my own inner evil. Because I see, realize and understand that the way that I’ve related to my own evil in shunning it and judging it and fearing it, has only made it grow and become this huge monster, almost like a huge suit that I step into and become this monster that just wants to consume, consume, consume. So – I commit myself to forgive myself as the monster I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become and in that I commit myself to change myself as the monster that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, through redefining and repurposing myself. So what good is a consumer-monster? I see how the reversal of the consumer monster actually is self-satisfaction, wholeness – being here with myself without needing to do or be anything. So that’s the point I will be working on, to be comfortable in my own skin as I’ve written about be before.

I also commit myself to let go of all Christian preprogramming that I’ve subjected myself to as I’ve come into this world and I commit myself to let go of my over-taking of my mom’s values and life purposes of escaping her family because I see, realize and understand that my life is different and some of the things my mom had to do for herself was cool but that doesn’t mean that I have to do the same. I can be me. I don’t have to rebel against an oppressing system. On the contrary, I commit myself to stop believing that freedom is to rebel and to consume and I commit myself to stop believing that responsibility is to oppress and control. I see, realize and understand that freedom and responsibility are not mutually exclusive or that one has to win over the other. In fact I see, realize and understand that real freedom can only come with responsibility and I can only take responsibility in fact if I am unconditionally facing and embracing myself because otherwise there’s constantly parts of myself that I’m hiding from myself.

I commit myself to stop walking against myself because I’ve seen, realized and understood that I am not to be pitied and being against myself is something I’ve done deliberately in spitefulness and in blame and it has no practical value. I see, realize and understand that it will be a process that will take as long as it takes for me to step out of the pattern of walking and being against myself. So I commit myself to be patient with myself as I change myself slowly but surely and I know exactly when and how it is that I’ve been living this pattern and so it is quite straight forward in terms of seeing what it is I require changing and stopping within and as myself.

When and as I see that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others as outside and separate from me, for reprimanding me or telling me that I’ve made a mistake – where my fear of making mistakes or judgment towards myself for having made a mistake is directed towards others where I am in this ‘zone’ of saying in my mind: “oh no, here I go again making stupid mistakes and everyone hates me and yes I’m so bad.” I stop – and I breathe and I stabilize myself here. Because I see, realize and understand that there are no ‘others’ who are participating in my blaming game. It’s all myself doing it to myself. No one else is being hard on me. And as such – I commit myself to stop projecting blame outside myself and I commit myself to instead take responsibility for how I’ve been treating and living within and as myself –as my own responsibility for me.

I see, realize and understand that what I thought was freedom – the freedom to consume whatever I wanted whenever I wanted – is NOT real freedom, but in fact real enslavement. And I see, realize and understand how I’ve been using the pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and giving up on myself all as a justification for living the ‘freedom’ of ‘consumption without consequence’. So I commit myself to redefine freedom and responsibility so that I can live those words in a way that is best for me and thus best for all.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
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It’s My Pity Party and I’ll Die if I want to… Die if I want to: DAY 194

Tags: addiction, Art, Forgiveness, Pity-Party, Self Change, Self-Abuse, self-deprecation, Self-Destructive behavior, self-empowerment, Self-Judgment, Writers Resources, Writing
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How to Leave the Comforts of the Cage: DAY 193

March 25, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog I will be prescribing statements for myself of self-commitment through which I will assist and support myself to change – specifically here within the context of the pattern of being hard on myself, being against myself and then projecting this onto another person from where I’d create a desire for this other person to ‘be there for me’, ‘support me’ and stand within and as a ‘team’ with me – all because I’ve not stood as that in/as myself.

Here are the previous posts in the series for further context of what I’ll be walking in this blog post:

It is interesting as I’ve mentioned in a previous blog – that I experience a resistance towards stopping being hard on myself. This resistance has been quite intense in that I last night as I was about to write the blog, I felt so immensely tired like I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open. And it doesn’t make any sense from a conscious perspective – meaning, I’m not consciously walking around thinking: “oh no, I don’t want to stop being hard on myself!!!” – I mean, it is actually quite absurd. So what I can see through common sensical deduction based on what I understand about the mind is that I resist stopping being hard on myself because I’ve used being hard on myself as a simultaneous self-sabotage and defense mechanism. When I look at the point in terms of its symbolism, it is like being hard on myself and being against myself gives me an enclosure where I am in a tight limited space of movement. When I then look at stopping being hard on myself, all I see is a vast landscape, no direction, just infinite space. Lol – so that’s what scares me – being unstoppable.

In stopping being hard on myself – ironically so – I also make a commitment to take responsibility for myself. It is much like the abusive parent that has mistreated their child, who now has to consider the effect this treatment has had on the child, a parent who is now entering into a process of re-education to become an effective parent. So I have to also look at how I treat myself and the consequences this has had. This really also shows why the mind is not to be trusted – because as I’ve mentioned, through this pattern I’ve really been walking against my own best interest, completely immersed in the mind, believing myself to be protecting myself against other human beings all the while I was like a mad dog gnawing on my own tail.

So it doesn’t make sense – it is certain fuzzy logic and not common sense: why would I fear caring for myself? But I do. Because then I become limitless – and then I have no excuse left. So that is actually the best place possibly I can be. If I care for myself, if I make the commitment to care for myself and take responsibility for myself and stand as an example inside myself – then if or as a point emerges of self-sabotage or compromise, I can’t run to the excuse of being hard on myself and then feeling victimized and punished and subsequently go into self-pity and depression. Once I stop limiting myself – I am no longer limited and I can’t use limits as an excuse.

So I know understand how being hard on myself is not valid or acceptable. I understand that I’ve been living against my own best interest and that this makes no sense. I understand that accepting an authority that wants me to live against my own best interest, is not an authority worth submitting to. I understand that I’ve delegated my own self-responsibility to the mind and made the mind the authority of me and that the mind is not equipped to be an authority. I understand that if I don’t reestablish myself as the authority based on the directive principle of what is best for all, I am leaving it up to the mind to direct me for me. So I will here begin the process of practically stopping being hard on myself, walking against myself and projecting this onto other people towards which I superimpose blame and desires. Through stopping being hard on myself I see how I open up my self-imposed enclosure through which I’ve justified my own captivity and limitation within and as the mind and as such I open myself up to stand responsible for myself but also to move myself beyond the limits I’ve accepted as enclosing me.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate backchat towards another person where I am blaming them for not giving me or being that for me which I want them to be, I stop myself and I flag this backchat and I simply stop participating. Because I now see, realize and understand that the only reason why I am blaming another is because I am using them as a scapegoat and as a mirror for what I am not giving to myself or reversely for what I am already accepting myself – and I see, realize and understand how this is an unacceptable way to live because within it, I am placing the responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing within myself and as myself onto another which is a classic relationship dynamic which we’ve used to always keep ourselves as arm’s length and never actually get to the bottom of or sort out why it is that we’re experiencing what we’re experiencing. So therefore – I commit myself to be diligent and disciplined within not accepting myself to participate in blame towards others and instead I commit myself to repurpose this blame to be a point of reflection from where I can see what I am separating myself from and as such take responsibility for the blame and stopping the blame.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in a desire/want/need towards another where I desire for them to do something for me or be something for me such as ‘supporting me’, ‘helping me’ or ‘standing as a team with me’ and where I’d create an experience of lacking this something that I long for the other person to provide – I stop myself. I stop participating immediately. Because I now see, realize and understand that the only reason why I’d desire for someone else to do or be something for me is because I’ve not been or done that for myself. So all this desire is actually showing me, is where to turn my attention within and as myself. Because I see, realize and understand now that any desire I have towards another will never ever be fulfilled in the context of completion and I see, realize and understand now that once a desire is fulfilled it simply morphs or changes direction and a new desire will emerge from within and as me towards the exact same point/expression or experience – because the point I was looking for/longing for wasn’t really ever outside myself – but always inside myself. So it is like that through this desire towards others, I can actually hear myself calling to myself from beyond a self-imposed veil/wall. So therefore – I commit myself to be diligent and disciplined in bringing my desires back to myself and I am grateful to experience the desires because through them I get to see quite clearly what it is off and as myself that I am separating myself from and so I commit myself to repurpose my desires to be gifts that I can bring back to myself and in turning back to myself I can finally stop chasing elusive fantasies.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and experience resistance towards stopping being against myself – I gently and firmly direct myself back here to the commitment to stopping being hard on myself because I now see, realize and understand that the reason why I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist stopping being hard on myself is because I’ve stood as an endorsement of and an affiliate of the mind and thus the mind’s agenda of survival – while in the process being to my own detriment. As such I see, realize and understand that when I am accepting and allowing myself to resist stopping being hard on myself and being against myself, I am actually acting like a kidnap victim with Stockholm syndrome; I am endorsing my captors and have come to feel more comfortable in my captivity – the difference however is that I’m also the one who elicited my own kidnapping to begin with. So I see, realize and understand that it is of no use to try to negotiate with the resistance – in fact, this merely prolongs the resistance through which I’d accumulate even more resistance. So therefore I commit myself to push through the resistance to stopping being hard on myself – as I see, realize and understand that as long as I accept and allow myself to live in and as this resistance I am living literally against what is best for me. As such I commit myself to sober myself up through supporting myself in writing and listening to interviews and bringing my awareness here to my physical body and breath as I walk about my day.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-judgment and self-nagging as the constancy and consistency of the pattern in and through which I’ve lived being hard on myself and being against myself that I’ve come to accept a form of comfortability towards in accepting that “this is me. I am being good through being hard on myself because it shows that I feel bad and that I am thus a moral being.” I now see, realize and understand that I’ve used guilt, feeling bad about myself, judging myself, feeling pity and being hard on myself all as schemes to not change and to justify not changing myself and stepping out of the mind – and I see, realize and understand now that the solution to this is that I stop endorsing the mind through accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts/desires/fears and backchat. I see, realize and understand also that since I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immerse myself in being hard on myself as a daily encompassing acceptance of “who I am” – I require changing my starting-point from within and which I see and experience myself – as I’ve not disclosed for myself that this starting-point of being hard on myself is not alone useless but also deceptive in that it has the opposite effect of what it present itself as. As such, I commit myself to walk a process of getting to know myself and to begin caring for myself – based on the common sense deduction that when I am best for me, I am best for all – so not based on any form of idea about my goodness or badness but simply based on a practical deduction. If I want a peaceful, harmonic, cool co-existence in this reality – I have to start with myself. If I am raging war inside myself, how I can I claim to be against war? To be against suffering? To be against the abuse of innocent lives? I can’t. Because I’m not.

I will continue with self-corrective statements in my next post.

In the meantime I will practice what I’ve here preached which firstly mean to stop participation in the pattern of being hard on myself and being against myself. Then I will also look at the point of self-care, which I first and foremost see is a point of allowing myself to be comfortable in my human physical body. That’s it.

Thanks for walking with.

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Compartmentalizing the Moral High Horse and the Rotten Self: DAY 192(annabrixthomsen.com)

Does Being Hard on Myself make me a Good Person? DAY 191(annabrixthomsen.com)

Day 345: The Secrets of Slaves(journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com)

How do I Embrace The Shame of Who I Am as Taking Life for Granted? DAY 177(annabrixthomsen.com)

Day 344: Rising from the Ashes of Burnout(journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com)

Save The Sinner! DAY 188(annabrixthomsen.com)

I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170(annabrixthomsen.com)

Tags: Allegory of the cage, being hard on myself, Forgiveness, Human, Mind Control, moral high horse, Personal Development, Self-Judgment, Self-Loathing, Self-Support, Stockholm syndrome
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Compartmentalizing the Moral High Horse and the Rotten Self: DAY 192

March 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this post we are continuing with looking at the question of As Who/how am I not living self-help?

In context to the previous points we’ve walked of desiring for someone else/one’s partner to help oneself. In the last post I went a bit deeper into how I’ve not lived self-help which I identified is specifically due to me being deliberately hard on myself believing that it makes me a better person and that I have to be hard on myself to contain my ‘inner evil’ (like selfishness).

Here are the previous posts in the series for further context of what I’ll be walking in this blog post:

So I will here be applying self-forgiveness on the dynamics that I exposed in the previous blog and accordingly I will prescribe self-corrective application in terms of looking at and committing myself to practically changing these patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself – through, within and as backchat of self-judgment/blame/ridicule/anger/disgust and hate and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to like being hard on myself and to be proud of being hard on myself within and as defining being hard on myself as a good thing that makes me a good person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it makes me a good person to be hard on myself because I am then apparently doing something about my own ‘inner evil’ and am showing that I won’t accept this from myself – when in fact being hard on myself has never ever had such an effect and has quite the contrary had the exact opposite effect where I’d hide and suppress my own ‘inner evil’ to not have to face my own self-judgment and then simply live out the evil in secret

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good and proud about being hard on myself within and as believing that being hard on myself shows that I am moral person and thus that the more hard I am on myself the more I am a moral person and thus that I am morally superior because I am hard on myself – not unlike the self-harm done within religion as a sacrifice to god

I forgive myself that I’ve never accepted or allowed myself to put two and two together in terms of looking at whether being hard on myself actually has the effect of me changing and correcting myself, because had I done that I would have realized that this is not the real reason why I am being hard on myself as I’ve show that it has absolutely no – and quite the detrimental effect on me correcting myself. Therefore ironically me being hard on myself actually support me to keep being ‘evil’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how the solution to me being evil is to actually embrace and face myself and to take myself in the hand in self-directed self-will to investigate myself and my starting-point and to practically walk myself to a correction through self-support and not through self-judgment or being hard on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to, dependent upon and automated within and as being hard on myself, judging myself and feeling guilty for being evil to the point where I can’t even imagine not living this way or how to let go of being hard on myself because it is what I’ve come to accept as who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I fear that I won’t be able to contain and control myself if I stop being hard on myself to justify why I must keep living being hard on myself – which I see, realize and understand is absolute bullshit and fuzzy logic because as I’ve shown being hard on myself is no solution to stopping my inner evil

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being evil and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make evil a taboo inside myself (by ‘evil’ I am referring to traditionally ‘immoral’ acts such as lust, lying, laziness , selfishness and deliberately harming others for example)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how this pattern and point is actually a part of a Christian religious pattern within and as me that I’ve dismissed as not being very important because I don’t have any conscious connection to Christianity in spite of the fact that time and time again I have seen how my personalities and characters and experiences inside myself are tied to Christianity in some way or another – also considering the fact that my mother’s side of the family was Christian and how she rebelled against it – and as such I see how I’ve resonantly picked up on the symbolisms and dynamics of my mother’s relationship to Christianity without

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping being hard on myself because I’ve used being hard on myself as a way to deliberately limit and diminish myself so as to keep expectations low so that I did not have to push or expand myself or disappoint others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing who I will how or how to live if and as I stop being hard on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not being on my own side as I walk my daily life and instead basically live every moment of every day being against myself through backchat as self-judgment and only being for ‘myself’ as specific mind-entities of consumerism and entertainment and thus that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in this field of tension between these two sides of myself of which none are real or in any way beneficial for me or anyone else

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for me hiding my own inner evil in blaming them for/as ‘coming after me’ or ‘reprimanding me’ while in fact what I feared was my own self-judgment and blame as this ‘moral high horse’ character that I’ve assumed and lived not only in relationship to myself but also to others, while rotting on the inside as I continued living out my secret desires

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping being hard on myself because I know that when and as I stop being hard on myself, nothing can stop me in terms of me standing up for what is best for all and in changing and correcting myself to live in a way that is best for all because I no longer keep secrets from myself or compartmentalize myself but actually stand here with and as myself as a joined force of who I am

And I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand how indicative it is when I live as a part of myself or a personality that is actually living against my own best interest – that I am living on a complete delusion and destructive alternate reality in my mind.

In my next post I will continue with self-corrective statements.