May 28, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
I’ve been sick today with some kind of stomach flue. I am supposed to write self-corrective statements on the self-forgiveness I wrote in my last post. But I can see that I can’t. Because I can’t yet say that I will now do what is best for me. That wouldn’t be self-honest, because from where I’m standing at the moment: I know I won’t. It is absolutely absurd and it doesn’t make sense, but there you have it. I don’t want to do what is best for me. I had a chat with my buddy about it and she said the following in assisting me to understand the pattern I’ve been facing:
“So – you’re cruel for not taking care of yourself but you don’t take care of yourself because you’re cruel”
We were talking about how I don’t take care of myself when it comes to my physical body in many respects, for example through eating food that isn’t good for me – which is most likely what has caused the stomach flue as a consequence. And the bottom line of this is a fear of being cruel. This was one of the very first points I brought up on the Desteni forum when I first started participating, a fear of being evil – or a feeling that I was evil. So because I fear and believe that I am cruel, I act cruel against myself and then become cruel which gives me the fuel to continue believing and accepting myself as cruel. It is interesting because every ‘fiber’ in me says RUN AWAY! From writing this blog post. So obviously this is the spot-on point since I experience such a resistance to not walk through it. Whenever I look at the point of being cruel to myself and/or the point of caring for myself, I feel myself going into a state of panic or feeling cornered and then I just blank out. Meaning that I don’t see any profound reasons or explanations. And there’s also a loop of backchat within me holding onto the cruelty towards myself as a justification. That I’m not ‘allowed’ to care for myself, that I don’t ‘deserve’ caring for myself. And somehow that makes me feel righteous. Somehow it makes my apparent cruel nature ‘better’ – to punish myself for it.
So I’ve rather successfully installed a mental firewall in my head towards this aspect of my relationship with myself and at this point I still don’t understand it. But that is because the mind doesn’t make sense – in common sense lol. It is a deranged personality’s logic that fits into a delusional perception of reality for example impulsed by religious concepts of good and evil and what it means to care. I’ve written about this extensively from various angles in various blog posts.
So before commencing with self-corrective statements I am going to give myself this blog post to write this point out – also so to ensure that I don’t just write statements that actually aren’t self-supportive but rather self-sabotaging because I know that I’m not gonna live them.
So – why do I like being cruel? Why don’t I want to do the things I know are good for me? Why do I want to do things that I know aren’t good for me? Why don’t I want to care for myself? What am I getting out of being cruel to myself? Why does it feel good to be cruel to myself? I know that I feel ‘free’ when I do things that aren’t good for me. I know that I find the things that are good for me ‘restrictive’ and ‘boring’ like I’m missing out if I don’t do it. I also know that my mother has a similar pattern in her life and that this dates back to when I was a child and lived under strict food restrictions. But is all of this just one big excuse for me being cruel to myself? What does it mean to take care of oneself? Why do I feel such a resistance to caring for myself?
Let’s have a look at common sense. If I have a look at the world system as we’ve currently created it, it is quite an accurate ‘replica’ or reflection of what’s going on in my relationship with/to myself. We’re accepting and allowing suffering of some parts of ourselves as life while prioritizing other parts – namely the parts that are artificially created. Something that I’ve found fascinating is how we will as humans prioritize things that we experience and perceive as ‘escapes’ from ‘the real world’ – like drugs, sex, obsessions with food and various kinds of entertainment and shopping. We do all these things to create a little ‘lightness’ in our lives because apparently ‘real life’ is too hard to bear. What we don’t realize is how we’re literally creating the hardship of life through our very prioritization of things that doesn’t really matter. How many vote in American Idol? How many care more about who wins in American Idol than actually voting for things that matter? And so why is this? It is because when we’re faced with the reality of things, we’re also faced with the fact that we’ve created the world as it is – as such: our own cruelty. And to face that, the only viable option is to then take self-responsibility for the world we’ve created and start cleaning up the rubble so that we can build a new world system: a system of care.
I often find it heartbreaking when I look at what I have exposed myself and my body to in the name of some absurd desire and hollow fantasies. And this is no different from what we’re facing with the world as a whole.
So I am doing things that aren’t good for me because I believe that they offer me an ‘escape’ from facing the truth of myself – while digging myself deeper into the shallow grave that is my mind. It is like the snake that eats its own tail: an infinite loop that can only stop when the snake realizes the delirium of its action – when it stops the gnawing and chewing mechanism that it has accepted as automated. Animals in captivity often behave like this, become neurotic and self-abusive as an odd self-defense mechanism. And so do I. It doesn’t make any sense. But I can see now that what I am facing is not a personal construct as much as it is a universal ‘problem’ if you will that extends from me to the whole world and the other way around. I’ve never learned to care about myself. I don’t even know how – except for some glimpses I’ve had from moments when I allowed self-care to emerge as well as from seeing others developing self-care.
It’s the old tale of how we jaw lock ourselves into an acceptance of ourselves as sinners by insisting that we’re sinners in order to purify ourselves yet in actuality it was all a charade in justification of sin – a carte blanche should we ever stand face to face with god. That’s the Christian version. In reality it is ourselves we fear standing face to face with, not realizing that we are never anything but faced with ourselves, no matter where we turn or how deep we stick our head in the sand.
I see, realize and understand that the time has come for me to make the decision to care for myself. I see, realize and understand that the consequences if I don’t is pain and suffering, not only for me, but for the rest of the world as well as I would join in and be yet another voice in the choir of the dead (or rather the dying) that sing their dirge of self-pity and deceit. There is no reason for me not to care about myself. Yet I can see all around me the evidence of how I haven’t. I see, realize and understand that in order for me to care about myself I have to change. And I also see that I can’t change if I don’t care about myself. Here I am not talking about a ‘feeling’ towards myself but an active practical self-care of making directive decisions to do that which I know to be best for me and to refrain from doing that which isn’t best for me – in the understanding also of why I would even want to do things that aren’t best for me. I see, realize and understand that it is a mental disorder to not care about oneself. It is a mental disorder to want to do things that aren’t best for oneself. Yet it is how I’ve lived my entire life as though it is perfectly normal. It is how we live in this world as a whole, why we go to war, why we drink alcohol, why we abuse ourselves. We’re literally and criminally insane. So this is what I got to understand: when I feel the urge to do something that I know isn’t best for me, like eating foods that I know will upset my stomach – this impulse isn’t ‘who I am’ – it is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become but it isn’t the ‘who’ I decide to be from here on out or that I see is the best ‘who’ I can be. I see, realize and understand that when I feel an urge to do things that aren’t best for me – often even BECAUSE they aren’t best for me, that I am listening to the mental disease that I’ve developed myself into and as. And as long as I listen to the disease, as long as I participate in the disease, as the disease, I’ll only dig myself further and further into it, in and acceptance of it as ‘who I am’. This is what I hear in the back of my head as a subtle whispering voice: “But it’s who I am, I can’t help it.”
Isn’t that exactly what we humans say? “I can’t help it, I’m only human.” So this gives me a clue to understanding that this particular pattern isn’t only about me. It isn’t personal. Yet it is personal in the context of all of humanity as a whole and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to stand as an equal example of criminal insanity. I’ve learned it from my parents yes – my father was manic-depressive and tried killing himself many times when he was depressed. When he was manic he was trying to save the world and cure other people, as he was a psychologist. My mom was an alcoholic and daily struggle with the desire to drink. So I’ve got lots of ‘excuses’ to blame it on my ancestry. But isn’t my true ancestry in fact all of humanity collectively and together? And if this is a pattern that is reflected in the world system as a whole, then it isn’t just about me or my family: it’s about the fundamental acceptance of ourselves as participants, creations and creators in, of and as this existence.
I am not done writing about this. In fact I’ve barely begun. But I commit myself to walk myself to the point of self-commitments. Because I see how easy it could be to make a big deal out of this point and ‘beat around the bush’ while actually procrastinating the point of change. And I also see clearly how self-forgiveness is the solution to this relationship with ourselves as cruelty where no care is allowed. As long as I believe I am cruel and accept myself as cruel, I will continue to do cruel things to myself and as an example in this world. Through self-forgiveness I can give myself the opportunity to not only releasing myself from the sin I believe I’m submerged in but also take responsibility for it and make the decision to live in and build self-trust through placing one foot after the other as a self-directed decision to live self-care, dignity, respect and integrity.
Until next time…
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