Like a dear caught in the Headlights

April 27, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

This title is probably the most precise way to describe how I have experienced myself the last month or so. Like a dear caught in the headlights, stiff, alert, ready to run for a safe place to hide. I experience myself in this state of ‘freeze’, not moving, standing absolutely still not be seen, heard – caught. I stopped smoking the 1. February. Started again 21 days after, smoking for 3 days, had massive headaches every time i smoked, stopped again for aproximately a month. Meanwhile I started on what I have called a diet, but what was not supposed to be a diet, because it was ultimately about me doing something for myself for the first time in my life, about me supporting me, as life, Here, The Physical – I even started exercising, which was not part of the original plan, but which made sense as i started to lose weight. Then slowly but surely I unwinded myself, recreated the cocoon of apereant ‘comfort’ and ‘safety’ that I had found in this self-abuse disguised as ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’ – (poor me, I deserve a cookie, I can’t stop eating cookies, poor me). As I have looked at what really happened, my ‘rational’ explaination has been that I had made it about someone else – because as soon as I was not in the company of those that had pushed and supported me directly within this, I crawled back into my hidingplace, behind weight, food and cigarettes. Since I have been struggling with moral scruples and inner fights and debates. But what I have done in fact, is that I have let the thoughts, the addiction, the fear – take over. Making it about someone else having taken responsiblity for it and clamining myself to weak to Stand on my own two feet, is yet another way of attemptying to shift responsiblity. Because the matter of the fact is that what I was doing – was in fact working. I was becoming stronger, could see more clearly and began actually caring for myself in fact. What I however experiecned was that the emotions that came with the withdrawl, was too much for me to handle. What I have found absurd and still do, is that I had all the tools available to deal with my experiences – maybe as Breath, Breathing through the point, as I have done before and as I have witnessed other do first hand – simply not participating, not accepting myself as that thought, as that emotion – and breathing it through until it disapates. I found myself unable to do that. And I have wondered how the emotions was like the child screaming, because it cannot get what it wants and would have eventually capitualted, except that I gave in, again and again, because I could not bear the sound of the screams of dissatiscfaction. So I started smoking again, first one cigarette, then two, then hiding it from the people around me – which I then discovered has always been a part of the Addiction signature, that it is kept alive by hiding it, by playing myself up against other people in my mind – as though they were the ones responsible for me having made this decision for myself. Then I gave into it, and I smoked a pack in a couple of hours, ate a whole back of cookes, got a massive head ache and stomach cramps in returned – yet continued the next day, as though nothing had happened. Then I stopped smoking for a day or two, but it was constantly on my mind, lurking, calling and once I said ‘yes okay’ in ‘mercy’ to one thought, the next followed and then the next and before I knew it – I was back. All the weight I had lost, I had regained. It was almost as If I have not been able to handle actually being capable of doing something on my own and it actually worked! I don’t think two months is enough to change a habit and addiction like this one. Obviously it depends on what is invested, believed and accepted about the addiction – but for me, having smoked for 16 years, since I was 12, having used cigarettes as a point of stability, familiarity, safety, power, control and utlimately as a tool to suppress everything of myself that I did not want to see or face – it might take more than two months, before the emotional chaos and the anxiety that comes with the withdrawl disapeates. But I did not stay patient or on track. I have been so used to making idealistic agreements with myself, then breaking them, laying low for a while in shame and then coming up with a new idealistic fantasy – that part was easy. I have realized a lot about myself the last few weeks that has been mildly put apaling – a roundtrip to the core of self-interest, self-pity and loathing, self-deception and abuse, to find out – that I have never actually dedicated myself to anything real in this world, I have never disciplined myself to walk through something difficult or uncomfortable. Instead I have searched the backdoors and short cuts that would make my path as easy and painless as possible – Not knowing that the easiest path is actually the longest route, because no matter what I do or where I go – I always end up Here.

In terms of this blog and series about Transformation, which is another way I have rushed ahead of myself in an attempt to prove myself worthty and in this case, of actually having changed and stood up – I will keep writing. I have not written anything lately because I was ashamed, I was as the dear caught in the headlights and I wanted to present myself only once I again had success with my process of transformation – Instead of Realizing that this, what I am experiencing now is a part of the Process and as I Fall – I Stand up again.

Tags: addictions, anxiety, attractive, body, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, diet, drugs, emotions, fat, fear, food, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, transformation, weight, weightloss, withdrawal
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Addiction 101 – When Food is not just Food

March 14, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

It started with a piece of cheese.

Yesterday as I woke up, I was going to eat breakfast. I ‘asked my body’ what it wanted and the ‘reply’ I got was ‘cheese’. See I ‘love’ cheese, and I always got a stomach ache from eating rich cheeses and dairy products such as ice cream, so it was like a specific point and example of self-abuse and self-interest, where I ate cheese even though it gave me a stomach pain, with the justification that I was allowed to, because it is my body and I decide what I do with it and it is only a little cheese and it tastes so good that I just can’t help myself. This whole thing fast becomes complicated and a whole world in itself – because besides being type A blood type and therefore being predisposed of not processing dairy very well, in addition I was lactose intolerant as a child, supposedly because my mother, who gave birth to me at the age of 42, ‘ran out’ of breast milk when I was an infant. So I did not eat or drink anything containing dairy until I was 12 and she decided to test out if I was still intolerant. Up until then I only had access to dairy when I sneaked my way to it. So I would eat ice cream at a birthday party without my mother knowing it, and two hours later break out with hives all over my body. Or I would steal a big chunk of cheese from the fridge and keep it hidden so I could eat from it when I wanted to. So it is sufficient to say that cheese has a special place in my heart. I am telling this story to share how easy it is to dilute oneself into believing something is an act of innocence – when in fact a lot of manipulation and deception has gone into it. After what happened yesterday, I am pretty sure that it was not by body claiming that it required cheese and that it was a thought that I interpreted as the body speaking, so that I could justify for myself eating cheese. Anyway, I ate the cheese, just a little bit I told myself. With two pieces of dried toast. Afterwards I got a stomach ache, almost as on schedule, maybe because I felt guilty or for making a big deal out of it – What is really interesting is what happened following the ‘cheese incident’ the rest of the day yesterday and today as well. I experienced the most difficult day so far of keeping my diet, not overeat and not eat from desire for taste, memory and so on. I started making excuses and stepped over the boundaries I have set for myself. In return I felt guilty and my body felt very uncomfortable, heavy and aching. Today I have even considered smoking a cigarette. Last time I did that , it did not take me many hours before I did smoke the cigarette and soon after that was back on my 20 + a day. So I haven’t and I noted this for myself as I had the thought. It all started with me allowing myself to eat a piece of cheese and it has obviously very little to do with the cheese itself. It has to do with who I was in that moment. The day before yesterday I experienced a release and I trusted myself, to simply eat, instead of having to restrict myself according to specific rules and so I expected that I would be able to do the same the following day. It was almost like an arrogant moment of believing that I now have full control over my actions. Because I clearly don’t. And it is not because I am not able to Direct myself in the moment – it is because I have been living this for so long, for so many years that I have created myself around it, I have created a relationship to food, to eating, to smoking, to consuming that is not based on nurturing my body, but on satisfying ideas of satisfaction, of taming and obeying fear and desires – of everything else than being Here. And this is not the first time I have experienced this – and I am not the only one who has experienced this. It is a classical fall for addicts. Once you are over the worst Jonesing, which is mostly physical uncomfortability where you have to simply focus on not consuming your drug of choice, it suddenly becomes more easy, like a breathing space, where things are going well. The thing that I have experienced in stopping addictions and cravings, is that after a while, I get used to this ‘new way of living’ – it is suddenly not new anymore. I do not have to push myself to keep the diet or to not smoke. It is simply a matter of not doing it. For many people, this is where they fall in. When I stopped smoking the first time, I started again after 21 days. All it took was one thought, that I diluted myself to believe was innocent. ‘I’ll just have one cigarette’. So this is the point, where I cannot expect anything of myself. It is still a matter of moment to moment Self-Honesty. And this, by catching myself doing this, by slowing down, not judging and actually seeing what it is I am doing – I can flag all of these possible ‘pits’ for myself, so that I do not have to fall on my ass every couple of days, just to pick myself up again. Why was it the cheese that made me break the deal? Because cheese in my book is not just cheese. It is a symbol within my mind of how I treat myself with something that I am deprived from, a speciality , a luxury, where I am independent and do what is Best for me – Only that is how I created it in my delusion as a child, because it is not what is best for me – it is self-abuse and I did it, because I believed I was treated unfair, that there was something wrong with me, that I was punished because I was not allowed to eat what I wanted to. So it has become a symbol, twisted and distorted, no longer with any relation to what it actually consist of and what is Common Sense. This is how we fuck with ourselves. How we walk into, defend and justify situations and experiences, that is not best for us and certainly not what is Best for All.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, coffee, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, looks, rehab, self trust, self-accept, self-acceptance, smoking, standing up, transformation, ugly, ugly duckling, weight, weightloss
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Mind & Body – Detox and Deconstruction

March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

So Im now a month into, a little over a month not smoking and on you can call it rehab in terms of eating with my emotions, eating to get high, eating to get energy and basically stimulating myself to get energy and to… well thats what Ive Realized after I started the diet and stopped smoking, because I have constant craving for smoking, eating, speaking, watching, basically anything that can give me the sense of being filled up or filling myself up, anything that is not just me Here keeping occupied, and its interesting because Ive noticed that there are like specific points, where I wanna smoke, it is particularly if I get stressed or if I get scared then I wanna smoke. Which could signify that that is where Ive not been able with stuff myself and have used cigarettes to control my reality and to give me a sense of comfort and safety within my world. So… something I find interesting is that when I first stopped smoking and I went on this eating rehab, detoxification programme, I thought that it was only gonna be a face or a while and then I would be able to go back to my habits, and Ive that thats not so that this is a complete change of, its basically the beginning of a complete change of who I am, which is going to have to Stand. Im not saying that I might not eat differently at some point, but at this point, what I realize is that the way Ive been attached to eating, the way Ive been eating, the way Ive been drinking, the way Ive been stimulating myself, is so completely engrained within me, where Ive diluted myself and been dishonest with myself and made excuses and justifications so I cant possibly go back to just eat what I want to, because its not what I want to. How I taste, what I feel like eating, feeling of hunger, of thirst its not real. Its not based on the body saying: I need nutrition now, I Require fuel to be able to function. So Ive basically fucked up my whole physical system in terms of making it into a mind-fuelling system, which we obviously have in other perspectives as well, but this is like very specific, like I said: eating with my emotions. And even now after a month, I find it extremely difficult and Im surprised how difficult it is. At the same time, Im determined. Im going to, Im going through it, Im walking through it, Im doing it but every day I Realize something about how intense and how attached this system is within me. I dont even know who I am, because how can I know who I am, when I experience a craving for something and it gives me a stomach ache, and its basically not optimal in any way for body, how can I say I know who I am, I mean I know who I am as an addict, I know who… I know what satisfies my addiction. I know what my addiction requires, to be able to sustain itself, because thats the tricky part it is to, for the addiction to sustain itself, its not to actually get rid of the craving. I realized earlier today as I was scratching a mosquito bite, that its basically the same principle the more you scratch, the more it itches.

Tags: addictions, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, dependency, depression, diet, drugs, emotions, Equality, fear, food, Future, looks, love, mental problems, Oneness, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, smoking, standing up, Structural Resonance Alignment
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Becoming the Living Example of Change

March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

My change in lifestyle aka ‘The Diet’ ( means a way of Life in Latin) is not only about not smoking and eating differently. It is about changing myself and my body, from having existed in self-abuse and self-negligence to actually begin expressing and appreciating myself. The Abuse that Exists in this world, the Negligence that Exist in this world, the Inconsideration that Exist in this World – is the same Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration that have Existed in me. And as I clearly See and Understand that it is not an Acceptable way of Living, when I look at the World and the outflow of this Acceptance – I have had difficulty in applying it in/for and as myself. And therefore I have also not been able to Support anyone else, let alone Stand up from within it – because I was still Living it. I was still Accepting Self-Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration as a ‘Way of Life’, in the World as in myself. Therefore this Process is not about losing weight, becoming skinny, pretty, attractive or to gain recognition from someone else. Unfortunately I still see the signs of it in me, (as I have judged it, instead of recognizing it for what it is) as I look into the mirror and enjoyed the fact that I have lost weight or when others comment on it. But I also know that if that was the only reason, I would not be able to do it for long – It would be conditioned and I would not be doing it for me, thus it would just be another way of Abusing myself. But these elements are still ‘there’ – the self-abuse that I have existed within and as, is still there. It is not like just because I made the decision to Stand up – that it is automatically going to happen and I can lean back and enjoy the ride. No – This is something, where I have to watch my every step. There are lots of possible blind spots, where I can dilute myself into Self-Abuse again, and as I have found, it is a matter of consistently, stubbornly and gently to push myself every time it happens. Instead of judging myself, when I fail, lie or make mistakes – I can push myself to Correct and Stand. Because I have made the decision. And I am doing this for me. Because I have never ever done anything for myself in my entire life. And yet, as always, it is all in reverse. Everything I have done and participated within, has been from a starting-point of getting others to see me, to notice me, to appreciate me and accept me. That is Self-Interest. That is being diluted and lost in my own bubble of perceived and self-Accepted inferiority – where all I care about is the energy of someone looking at me, smiling, complimenting me. And everything I do is like an addict hungry for a fix, to get that dose of energy. This is also something that I have not completely stopped. But I see it when it happens and most times I go: “damn, I did it again.” – But I have Realized that it requires my dedication and consistency to ‘make it stop’ – just as it required my active participation in ‘making it start’ – Because I am that which is invested in this mess.
This is how we become Living Examples – We Walk, One Step at the Time. But it cannot be done in dishonesty – we will know it. Living means actually changing Everything, not as an idea or a theory or a wish – but an Active, Actual Change. To do this, it has been extremely assisting for me to have a Physical ‘Marker’ as for example shaving, not smoking, eating, drinking, having sex etc. Because it is in those moments that we see who we are – How do we Act? How do we Respond? What makes us React? And then We Change – and next time it happens, we Change again… until there is nothing left and we are Simply Here.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, boyfriends, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, depression, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, independence, integrity, looks, losing weight, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, sex, transformation, weightloss
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Who is eating when we eat?

March 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

DIET – Sounds like DIED

- In Latin it Means ‘A Way of Life’

I am constantly thinking about food, how to eat, when to eat and especially what to eat. I have been very confused about this ‘diet/detox/rehab/deprivation’ programme and I can see how I have wanted to replace my way of eating (which I have defined as anarchistic within me) with a bullet proof system I could follow, so to not make mistakes, not fail and make it easier for myself to keep it going. So I kind of interpreted that the point was to a) eat healthy, b) to stop eating with my emotions and c) to lose weight. I have in that sense been eating according to common knowledge about health, though with the awareness that some of the stuff might be bullshit.

I actually realized when I brought the point of eating the lasagna Here, as I stopped for a moment to consider my apparent ‘choice’ that I did not in fact provide me with anything substantial, nutrition or taste wise. Me eating that instead of for example whole grain bread, is based on a idea about lasagna. And that idea about lasagna is based on a belief that if I eat what I want to – I am free. Yet it is never really what I want to, because it is based on memories, rules, ideas about taste and consistency of certain foods, and is thus as conditioned as it is programmed and fixed before I even put the food into my mouth. So I put the lasagna back and took whole grain bread instead. I added cottage cheese and again Bernard ‘ruined it’ for me by asking me about this food. He basically said that it is unlikely that I will transcend this point in this life, because I am not stopping my emotions. Instead I have used the excuse and control of wanting to understand, which is bullshit, because I just want to understand so that I can control myself out of this – which is obviously impossible. I have accepted this challenge as being extremely difficult, as the point of eating has been so intense and powerful within me. At the same time, there are Common Sense points, wherein it is obvious how I have made this point a key point in me stopping myself from exiting in self-Abuse, participating in energetic and emotional manipulation and basically in stopping myself from existing within and as the mind – as conditioning, based on the Acceptance of myself according to memory, manipulated information and emotional patterns. The food serves as an example, as a way of showing myself and seeing what I am and have been doing. Here is an example: I look at a piece of whole grain bread. It looks boring, dry, serious, healthy – that is how I’ve judged it according to the ‘role’, ‘symbol’ that I have accepted it as according to specific memories and definitions within my life. It also reminds me of my mother, as she would bake this with great devotion and I would get it for lunch everyday in school for years. I also appreciated it and rejoiced with her over the wonders of this bread. It was her specialty. So it is sufficient to say that it is not just bread. It has a meaning, it triggers judgment, like and dislike justified through apparent taste experience. So in my book, eating a piece of whole grain bread without anything on it, is probably like the most boring food in the world. It is also something that girls who really wants to be healthy or lose weight do. (And I am not one of those girls, because I accept myself as I am). Now I eat the piece of bread and because I know it is all I am going to eat. It is my main meal and course for this evening, I slow myself down as I am eating. In utter surprise I realize how good it tastes. And that I can actually recognize different tastes within it, like the poppy, sesame and sunflower seeds. I can actually tell them a part and experience a appreciation for each taste experience. Before I would have chucked it all down. What does this tell me? It tells me that I cannot trust any of my ideas or experiences towards food. Because they are conditioned and based on ideas that are specifically mastered according to my memories, definitions and acceptances of myself since I was a child. They are not objective truths, even though with a lot of tastes for example, many people agree and reinforces the beliefs, which they producers are obviously aware of as they design their product according to feelings of belonging, of keeping traditions, of being cool and so on and so on. But the experience I have of the craving, the lacking or missing out – is physical. It is in my mouth.

So when I am about to eat, it is with a whole string of expectations, emotions and conditions tied to ideas about taste, fullness and the like.

I eat 5 portions a day the size of my fist. I might step up to six if I am up for many hours a day. The one time I did it, I felt guilty. But I have decided that it is okay, because I want to keep the body burning fuel and experiencing being full and not go into ‘lock-down’ starvation mode. I Realized today that all the meals i eat through out the day now – is the equivalent of 1-2 meals how i was eating before. A pizza for example would be like 6 meals.

Mostly I eat dry toasted bread, fruit or vegetables. I eat rice and rice cakes and meat for dinner most days. Between the 5 meals, two are considered ‘main-meals’. I still eat the same portion as in the other meals, but I eat more substantial food like whole grain bread or an egg. The meals in between is mostly two pieces of toasted bread, rice cakes or fruit.

I drink only 8 glasses of water a day, in which coffee is included. This morning I asked my body what it wanted and thus I had a glass of warm water with lemon and mint leaves, instead of coffee quite to my own surprise. Mostly when I have asked the body, the answer surprises me. It might be ice cream or cheese or some combination of foods that I had never considered before. I did not do that for very long, as I quickly returned to my patterns of eating emotionally. My goal is to develop a completely different way of eating, wherein I eat to nourish myself and in that allow the body to Direct what it requires, instead of me eating with my mind.

The water challenge has been difficult, as has the taste challenge. In the beginning I ate various foods at each meal. I Realized that that was yet another attempt of my mind to manipulate the situation for me again to eat with my mind, calling upon taste, enjoyment and tastelessness and boredom in the other end. So now if I eat fruit, I only eat fruit. If I eat Bread, I only eat Bread. I will however eat an egg as well once in a while. I do still not eat a lot of vegetables. Until now the most filling is the bread and especially the whole grain bread, which toasted an bare has been a surprisingly enjoyable eating experience, as I can now differentiate the different ingredients. I think it has something to do with not mixing so many different kinds of taste. I have discovered that I can monitor and measure myself by simply observing and ‘staying with’ myself as I go from thinking about a food to eating and after having eaten or had a drink. When I ask my body, I immediately get a ‘reply’ , almost like an image, but more like a symbol of taste popping up, only one. Like this morning with the warm water with lemon. But I am not yet certain of how all of this words, because yesterday some people were talking about that as I saw someone else drinking water with lemon, and I know from the eating according to your blood type book, that my type, (A) benefits a lot from doing this in the mornings. I used to do it as well for periods of time. Never the less, I asked my body and that is what ‘popped up’. So I did not judge it. It was not until 11 that I noticed that I hadn’t had a cup of coffee yet. Normally I will have coffee as soon as I get up – as a co pilot of working, a working treat – obviously an idea in my mind. It is also an idea in my mind that I like coffee, because when I then had one, I didn’t like it. And I had one mainly because it was 11 and I had not had one all day. It is strange to see and be convinced of something being a treat, and then not enjoying the actual experience, because the whole ‘image/picture’ of it being so and so and having this or that value – only exists in my mind. It would also mean that the Mind dictates everything and that I blindly follow. So now is the question: Why? Why do I blindly follow? Because this is just one little tiny point as an example of how nothing we do is actually decided and directed by us, but orchestrated by our minds and even more strategically, by the corporate world – who knows us better than we know ourselves.

Tags: addiction, body, burgers, depression, drugs, emotions, fast food, fish, food, Food & Nutrition, how to lose weight, lasagna, manipulation, pills, pleasure, power, rehab, sadness, salt, self, self esteem, sorrow, tortilla, weight loss
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Obsession and Addictions to Stimulation

March 7, 2010 in Uncategorized

I have been absolutely obsessed with food these days. A lot of my thoughts go to when to eat, what to eat and how much. There is a constant concern within me of worrying if I will get enough. The excuse is that I might get ill or tired, but the fact is that I simply fear not getting enough. I have also noticed that it is mostly a matter of being stimulated, comforted and entertained by whatever I intake. I have slowly started releasing this intake point by point, starting with the cigarettes. The first time I quit was not easy. This time it has been even more difficult. The first few days I had actual withdrawal symptoms, where I was sweating and overheated the whole time. After that I have basically just been craving to smoke. The cravings seems to come in ‘themes’ where I will for several days for example experience craving in my mouth and the last few days I have experienced this craving every time I smelt someone smoking. I have had this constant uncomfortability, uneasiness and then once in a while remember; ‘oh right, I’m not smoking’. It is like being unbalanced or a little outside of myself, all while it is obvious that it was the cigarettes that ‘kept me on track’. After I started smoking again, the first two cigarettes was horrible and after that it was like I had never stopped. It was the exact opposite when I stopped again and still is now – I wonder how long it will take before I get used to it. It must be something I have attached to smoking, I mean I have smoked more in my life that not and it is only by not smoking, that I can change that. But I keep having this idea, that this is just a face. That I will be allowed (by who by the way?) to smoke again. But this is and has obviously been a huge point in my life. In terms of how I have experienced myself within not smoking, it is clear to me that I have used smoking as a partner almost – it ‘gave me’ stability, balance, control and comfort. Because those points within me has been directly linked to smoking cigarettes, I ‘lost them’ as soon as I stopped smoking. I love smoking. I love everything about it. But I also love drinking coffee and I used to love smoking weed. I’ve stopped drinking coffee before and it was simply just a matter of stopping. And I stopped smoking weed and even though I have smoked weed almost as long as I have smoked cigarettes, I simply just stopped. It seems to be dependent on how I have attached myself to smoking cigarettes and how I have accepted this addiction and dependency. Here you can follow my progress over the last three weeks.

Tags: binges, binging, brainfood, candy, cigarettes, craving, diets, fat, food, Food & Nutrition, nutrition, overeating, protein, psychology, selfhelp, sugar, weightgain, weightloss
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Physical Transformation – Inner Change – Everything Changes

March 4, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

Why am I doing this?
(Secret Mind) Looks – attractability = success
Physical condition – optimal use of the body
Self-Respect, Integrity, Acceptance – for the first time in my life doing something just for me – to be comfortable alone with me, in my own skin.

The body not only reflects but also contains all that we have ever participated in, accepted and allowed, thoughts, emotions, memories. As we walk through our day, we are constantly triggered and influenced through images, smells, sounds and feelings that correspond with a memory we have already stored in our bodies. Because of this, and because we Accept and believe that our mind, as thinking and feeling, is really who we are, we are not able to Exist Equal with and as the Physical body. My goal is to empty myself from everything I have ever identified as myself, which specifically means stopping and not participating in thoughts and emotions, which is what keeps the mind going and these self-acceptances with it.
Throughout my life I have allowed a lot of self-hate and judgment within me. Because of that my body has become an outer reflection of my ‘inner’ acceptance of myself. But not only that – Everything I have accepted myself as, is still a part of me and will be able to be seen by others in how I walk, speak and move. So even if I do stop thoughts of self-hate for example, and I begin a process of self-acceptance, the imprint of what I have accepted, is still who I am, because I have not changed myself physically, actually.
As I started my process of letting go of addictions and attachments and in that brought up suppressed emotions and feelings, I have cared mostly about the weight I would be losing. I have been exited about seeing and feeling my body changing – but also with a hidden experience of what I will be able to achieve once I have the body I want.
This is a major point for all women and one that has to be addressed immediately – because it has to be clear to us, that we are doing this for ourselves – to regain self-power, self-will, self-trust and self-acceptance and not to get a man to provide those things for us.
So within this, within the process of changing my body and how I experience, interact and move my body, I also begin a process of ‘inner’ transformation, where I allow myself to Accept myself, to Trust myself and through that Will and Empower myself to walk this through.
I do not know how long I am going to be eating like this. At the moment it feels like I am on a deprivation diet. I am on a deprivation diet, because I have placed the intake of substance as something that was more than me, as something I required to be able to exist and cope with myself.