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Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207

May 25, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

femme arbre by monstror Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207In this post I am commencing with self-forgiveness on the points I mentioned in the previous two posts, which I specified from negativity to a particular relationship that I’ve developed towards resisting things that I know are good for me. As I have been writing these blogs I have noticed how extensively resistance has become a directive that I live by and through that have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my process of change. I see how through resistance I am literally standing in my own way, like placing a mental and energetic wall between myself and the movement to change. I see how I have brainwashed myself to trust my feelings and emotions and especially the experience of resistance. I have proven to myself before that the only way through resistance is to walk through it. Yet I still experience resistance to many things in my life that I know are good for me I am therefore pushing myself here to lay out this pattern and take responsibility for it as myself instead of blaming it on emotions, feelings, energy or the mind in general. I have come to see, realize and understand that I am nothing but a zombie, an emotional zombie. A zombie is a creature who was once alive, but who now is undead, slowing rotting away and I am my own cure.

This is in continuation to:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do things that I know are good for me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I know that I am compromising something that is good for me, accept and allow myself to sabotage myself, my physical body, my process to change and my participation in and contribution to this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself and to be brainwashed and indoctrinated into believing that what matters most in this world – all that matters – is how I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely oblivious towards the fact that emotions and feelings are energetic structures of the mind and NOT the real substance of and as me as the physical. As such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard that which I know to be true, for an illusion and for a brainwashed ‘self’ that I’ve accepted as myself – as who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the self-delusion, self-deception and illusion that my emotions and feelings are my true self speaking to me/as me as directives for where I should go or how I should act – in spite of me knowing very well or at least understanding that emotions and feelings aren’t real as physically manifested facts that can be cross-referenced as real by all life and that undisputedly supports a life that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how extensively I’ve allowed myself to be brainwashed into submitting myself totally and completely to and immersing myself in emotions and feelings when I do in fact understand what emotions and feelings are, yet haven’t made the effort or decision or directive within me to stop participating in emotions and feelings but instead have allowed myself to constantly and continuously throw myself happily into any and all emotional or feeling based experience and possession

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse and justification to myself and to others that I am too weak to stop participating in emotions and feelings, that I am simply an overly emotional person and therefore I can’t help it – when the matter of fact is that I have deliberately made myself an emotional person and I have decided for myself to make emotions my directive principle and to immerse myself in them and abdicate myself to them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to actively honor the experience of resistance through having a long time ago already decided that resistance is a good thing, it is me protecting myself, it supports me to not go into situations where I might get hurt – and so now, even though I know and understand that resistance isn’t what is best for me, I still accept and allow this new understanding and principled living decision to be override by my acceptance of resistance as a directive principle

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience resistance – the act more than the feeling – as a positive self-application of self-protection and self-care because in the past when I’ve resisted something that I didn’t want to do, I felt like I was dodging bullets and that I was – through resistance – actively preventing myself from ending up in harmful situations

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a completely unbalanced and dysfunctional relationship towards the act of saying ‘yes’ and saying ‘no’ in how I’ve created myself in such a way that I would force myself to say yes to things that I knew weren’t good for me based on an idea that I had created within me as a form of ego boost that I could set myself free by breaking all boundaries and taboos within me, while conversely saying ‘no’ to things that I actually knew would be good for me in the belief that I was protecting myself from possible harm, all the while I was most often the only one causing myself harm. And as such I see also that I applied the act of saying ‘no’ in an attempt of balance out my tendency to say ‘yes’ to things that weren’t good for me yet I completely missed the point of actual self-support, self-care and self-honesty within and as this application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make resistance – the feeling and the act – a habitual pattern that I automatically follow because I immediately as the emotional reaction of fear and apprehension towards something or someone comes up recognizes and accepts this as real and valid instead of in that moment directing myself in alignment with my new understanding that resistance is a mental defense-mechanism of the mind that utilizes the combination of energy, imagination and thought and back chat to create a simulated ‘threat’ that is then validated because I have already accepted emotions and feelings as real and valid indicators of reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become such a slave of resistance that I don’t even have to convince myself and believe that there is a threat anymore, I simply automatically recognizes the experience as real and then because I do in fact know that it is not – I instead use backchat to lie to myself and convince myself that there won’t be any significant consequences to me resisting as well as using procrastination as a way of convincing myself that it is okay that I resist because I can do things later

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor or value the potential of myself as who and what I can be and become in directing myself to walk through resistance as I know to be the only solution, as walking through it step by step – just like I’ve walked myself into it, step by step

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand ‘who’ it is that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as – through my immersing myself in and submitting myself to resistance – as nothing but a personality-system made up by some specific programmed responses that has absolutely nothing to do with living or functioning in reality – where I am not even alive, because all my focus goes to ‘protecting’ myself FROM becoming life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to birth myself to and as life – to become alive and I forgive myself that I’ve instead accepted and allowed myself to give in and give myself up to an energetic mind-possession that has no logic or reason to it as resistance that is nothing but a feeling and is not substantial in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand and admit to myself that I am not in fact alive – my body is alive and breathes – but myself as the directive principle is not alive – because I’ve confined myself to be dependent upon the feedback of thoughts, emotions and feelings and have imprisoned myself to only move myself according to the reactions I experience within and as my mind, where I filter everything in my world and my reality through how I see and perceive things in my mind in thoughts and how I feel at an emotional and feeling level

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know and understand the extent of my brainwashing in/of and as the mind as the abdication and submission of myself to thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings – when in fact I didn’t understand at all as I’ve continued to accept and allow myself to be completely run and directed by the mind constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what has held me locked into the mind is my own active participation in the mind as I’ve so completely immersed myself in the mind that even when I did start realizing, seeing and understanding what the mind was and who and what I am within and as the mind, I still didn’t stop and I didn’t want to stop and I deliberately kept myself immersed in and as the mind through my direct and constant participation

In my next post I will commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

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Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207

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Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202

May 4, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

4607848392 eb8dfc2220 z1 Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202In this post I will be prescribing self-corrective and self-commitment statements on my relationship to positivity and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my participation and application dependent upon ‘how I feel’. The point of this is so that I can walk my days and apply myself without relying on energy , so that I can establish actual consistency instead of wavering between ‘ups’ and ‘downs’.

For context, please read the previous two posts on positivity:

When and as I see and recognize that I’ve stepped into the ‘peak’ character where I suddenly feel and experience myself as being invincible and that I can suddenly do anything, I stop. I remind myself that what I am experiencing is not real because it is in fact an experience and that I’m defining myself as being able to do anything because of an experience and not because I’ve expanded myself in and as self-direction and self-expression. I stop participating in the energetic experience and I see, realize and understand that I can simply apply myself here, practically, physically and self-directively without having to energize myself. So within this – I commit myself to stop participating in positive energetic experiences and I commit myself to stop allowing myself to define the ‘peak’ experience as real, because I see, realize and understand now that it is not.

When and as I am in the ‘peak’/positive experience and I see that I don’t want to stop participating in the experience and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to make the justification to stay in the experience because I suddenly feel more capable and able than otherwise, I stop myself and I breathe and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body. Because I now see, realize and understand that I actually am not more capable or able and that I’ve made myself believe this because I’ve made myself dependent on feeling energized to feel able and capable. So I commit myself to stop lying to myself and I commit myself to instead focus on establishing actual real capabilities and abilities that won’t simply disappear when the energy wears off.

When and as I see that I am in a ‘peak’ experience and that I want to remain on that peak because it feels like I’m finally ‘more than’ who and what I usually experience myself as, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am actually not ‘more than’ and that the only reason I experience myself as ‘more than’ is because of the pendulum experience of going up from having been down in accepting and allowing myself to be in a general experience of ‘low’ and feeling ‘less than’. So I see, realize and understand that I’ve made my definition, experience and acceptance of myself entirely dependent on energetic experiences that run their course completely independent from who I am or how I direct myself because it is like the energies have a life of their own and I am being swung by the pendulum from side to side without having any control over when I go up or down. So I commit myself to stop believing that I am suddenly more than and I also commit myself to stop conditioning myself to being dependent on energetic experiences because I see, realize and understand that this is an unstable and unsustainable way to live and if I accept and allow myself to be contingent upon energy to direct myself, I’ve got absolutely no self-direction which essentially mean that I am not the director of my own life and that energy is.

When and as I see that I’m accepted and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I can sustain my positive energetic experience, I stop. Because I now see, realize and understand that I can’t sustain this experience, I can’t control it or contain because I’ve got absolutely no control over the energy – quite the contrary: I’ve accepted and allowed the energy to be in control of me. As such I commit myself to stop the belief that I can control, contain or sustain the energy. I commit myself to stop believing that I am in control of energy and I commit myself to instead establish direction of energy through stopping participation on energy.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to believe that I’m not really in a positive experience and that “this is simply who I am, I’m awesome” I stop myself. I commit myself to become self-honest with myself as whom and what I am within my direction of and as myself. Because I see, realize and understand that I know when I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a positive energetic experience. As such I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to go into denial and pretend like this is who I am, when in fact what I’m experiencing is the positive polarity of the negative polarity that I’ve accepted as my ‘natural state of mind’ which is why I in this positive experience, experience it as though I’m finally surfacing from having drowning. I see, realize and understand now that I’m not actually ‘surfacing’ – I’m merely experiencing the energy fluctuating from a low to a high. As such I see, realize and understand that actual surfacing is to stop participating in the mind, in energy and come back to this here physical reality and myself within and as the physical.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that it’s good to be positive I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that the positive energetic experiences can’t exist if I didn’t come from a negative energetic experience and as such the positive really comes from the negative and it isn’t really real. The high isn’t a real high when it’s contingent upon the low. I see, realize and understand that real expansion; real change is based on practical self-movement.

I commit myself to stop letting energy control me and be the directive principle of and as me. I see, realize and understand that it will take a process for me to walk through because I’ve made myself dependent upon energy. As such I commit myself to flag point and investigate and identify when and as it is that I’ve stepped into and as an energetic experience of positivity or negativity. I see that it is easier for me to identify positive energetic experiences because it is indeed ‘peak’ experiences whereas negative energetic experiences have become quite a ‘comfort zone’ or natural experience for me. As such I commit myself to also investigate negative experiences that I’ve taken for granted as ‘who I am’ because I see, realize and understand that it is from the negative experiences that I’ve accepted as ‘who I am’ that I’ve made myself want to ‘peak’ as though being positive would sort out the negative. So I commit myself to investigate who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as my relationship to negative energetic experiences so that I can release myself from energy and establish myself here in the physical as a stable and common sensical self-directed human being.

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Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202

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Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201

May 1, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

am 396079 4351234 395581 Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201In this post I will continue from the last post with applying self-forgiveness on positivity specifically in relation to the point of wanting to remain ‘on the high peak’ within and as feeling and believing that when I’m positive, I am ‘more able’ and when I’m negative I am ‘less able’ — something that has pretty much been governing my life and my daily participation rendering me inconsistent because my participation is largely based on whether I’m ‘on the high’ or ‘the low’. As such I’ve also limited my capabilities to be dependent on feeling positive and have thus made myself entirely dependent on energetic experiences to either move myself more or less effectively.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take note of the fact that I’ve stepped into a ‘peak’ experience of positive energy where I feel energized and feel like I can do anything and be anything and that I’ve got tons of energy and in spite of knowing that this is an energetic experience and that it is not real, I’ve gone along anyway because of the experience of myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I otherwise perceive and experience myself as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain on ‘the peak’ because I experience and perceive myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I otherwise am and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can stay in the state of being ‘on the peak’ if I just contain it and hold onto it long enough, even though the same thing happens every time, that I eventually crash and go into neutrality and negativity only to revisit the peak again, holding onto it and crashing in a never-ending pendulum experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can’t remain as or contain or hold onto positive experiences or experiences of being ‘on peak’ because these experiences aren’t based on an actual real living self-expression but on fluctuating and conditional energy that is unbalanced and ungrounded

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into denial when I access a positive experience because although I know that it is an energetic experience through which I’m causing myself to suddenly see and experience myself differently, I deceive myself into believing that it is real and that I’m somehow ‘broken through to the surface, like I’ve accomplished something and finally NOW are ME again, when what I’m experiencing is in fact an experience of superiority in feeling like I am ‘more than’ who and what I usually experience and perceive myself as which is then actually the negative side of the polarity. So it is like: “I’m finally coming through, hell no, if I’m gonna leaves THIS experience, I’m awesome, I can do anything!”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize, understand and acknowledge that who I am when I am ‘on the peak’ is not in fact WHO I AM – certainly not if this experience can be changed at any moment into its total polar opposite because I wanted it so bad to be true, I wanted to be better and I wanted to be more

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that expanding my abilities and my capability, changing how I see and respect and accept myself is not about feeling good or better or more about or than myself – but about practically, physically changing myself both in terms of expanding and not accepting myself to limit myself – but to do so as an actual practical application and self-expression and not as an energetic fluctuation that can change at any moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being positive, feeling positive is in fact good and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify remaining in my experience of positivity because of how I experience and see myself as being able to do more and then think to myself that: “but hey, this is good – I’m good, now I’m getting work done, I’m disciplined and can handle everything and can support everyone in the process.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how me being positive is actually based on my acceptance and experience of myself within and as negativity where I experience myself as ‘less than’, where I’m not directing my own capabilities or abilities but am accepting and allowing myself to exist conditioned to moods and feelings and emotions and thoughts and limitations – so that when I get ‘on the peek’ is like freedom from myself where it feels like I’m free from my limited self, but it is all about a chemical imbalance in my body and mind like being on drugs

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that ‘who’ I am and experience myself as when I am positive is not actually who I am but merely an example as who I am is what is here all the time, constantly and continuously while I’m busy preoccupying myself into and as energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop participating in positive energetic experiences and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop defining myself according to how I experience myself energetically and instead develop myself into and as real, physical and practical application where I decide and live who and what I am as a self-directed self-expression that is constant and continuous and that cannot be waivered or moved by any influence but is simply who I am.

In my next post I’ll commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

 

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The Power of Self-Victimization: DAY 198

April 15, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

still ridiculed by propagandhi 1024x972 The Power of Self Victimization: DAY 198In the last blog posts we started touching upon how the memories of feeling ridiculed and laughed at, actually were memories of blame and self-victimization hiding a point of self-righteousness underneath.

This is what I will focus on as I here write self-forgiveness to release myself from this pattern and personality of taking it personally when others laugh – whether or not their intentions are to ridicule or not.

This post is in continuation to the following posts:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to find a power within myself in victimizing myself and giving another the blame/responsibility for who/what I am as I in the ‘giving’ experience myself as powerful and can manifest the result of not having to take responsibility for myself and thus I’ve ‘won’.

I forgive myself that I’ve not ever accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand how the starting-point of my ‘inner victim’ is actually self-interest, ego and power in deliberately using inferiorization and blame to ‘win’ over others in making them look like the bad guy and therefore make them responsible for my experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to dwell on and take pride in being ‘sensitive’ and ‘vulnerable’ and ‘easy to hurt’ and ‘weak’ as though that made me a better person while in fact all of it was constructed characters that I had cloaked myself underneath as manipulation tactics

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how that which I experienced as vulnerability weren’t that in fact, but was in fact a deliberate character I’ve used to manipulate others to get what I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how through victimizing myself I am actually making myself weak because I end up believing my own scheme and through blaming others and making them responsible I am actually making myself completely powerless

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately take it personally when I experience another person laughing at me where I actually have a moment of opportunity to be able to discern why the person is laughing but also who I am within and as it and accordingly direct myself in the best way possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I can only be ridiculed if I accepted and allow myself to feel and experience myself as ridiculed

When and as I see that I have a moment of opportunity where I hear someone laughing, I commit myself to breathe and to simply hear the laughing for what it is, not as anything that defines me. When and as I see that the laughing is in fact ridicule, I commit myself to not react or take it personally but to look at how I can assist the being to see what they’re accepting and allowing and take self-responsibility or if I see it is required or necessary, to simply walk away and not participate. When and as I see that the person’s laughing is not ridicule, but they’re laughing at the ridiculousness of my participation in the mind I commit myself to breathe, breathe and not take it personally but to instead embrace the opportunity I have in that moment as a gift that person and practice the point of actually laughing at and with myself as a point of self-support.

In my next blog post I will continue with the next point.

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Compartmentalizing the Moral High Horse and the Rotten Self: DAY 192

March 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God picture Compartmentalizing the Moral High Horse and the Rotten Self: DAY 192In this post we are continuing with looking at the question of As Who/how am I not living self-help?

In context to the previous points we’ve walked of desiring for someone else/one’s partner to help oneself. In the last post I went a bit deeper into how I’ve not lived self-help which I identified is specifically due to me being deliberately hard on myself believing that it makes me a better person and that I have to be hard on myself to contain my ‘inner evil’ (like selfishness).

Here are the previous posts in the series for further context of what I’ll be walking in this blog post:

So I will here be applying self-forgiveness on the dynamics that I exposed in the previous blog and accordingly I will prescribe self-corrective application in terms of looking at and committing myself to practically changing these patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself – through, within and as backchat of self-judgment/blame/ridicule/anger/disgust and hate and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to like being hard on myself and to be proud of being hard on myself within and as defining being hard on myself as a good thing that makes me a good person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it makes me a good person to be hard on myself because I am then apparently doing something about my own ‘inner evil’ and am showing that I won’t accept this from myself – when in fact being hard on myself has never ever had such an effect and has quite the contrary had the exact opposite effect where I’d hide and suppress my own ‘inner evil’ to not have to face my own self-judgment and then simply live out the evil in secret

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good and proud about being hard on myself within and as believing that being hard on myself shows that I am moral person and thus that the more hard I am on myself the more I am a moral person and thus that I am morally superior because I am hard on myself – not unlike the self-harm done within religion as a sacrifice to god

I forgive myself that I’ve never accepted or allowed myself to put two and two together in terms of looking at whether being hard on myself actually has the effect of me changing and correcting myself, because had I done that I would have realized that this is not the real reason why I am being hard on myself as I’ve show that it has absolutely no – and quite the detrimental effect on me correcting myself. Therefore ironically me being hard on myself actually support me to keep being ‘evil’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how the solution to me being evil is to actually embrace and face myself and to take myself in the hand in self-directed self-will to investigate myself and my starting-point and to practically walk myself to a correction through self-support and not through self-judgment or being hard on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to, dependent upon and automated within and as being hard on myself, judging myself and feeling guilty for being evil to the point where I can’t even imagine not living this way or how to let go of being hard on myself because it is what I’ve come to accept as who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I fear that I won’t be able to contain and control myself if I stop being hard on myself to justify why I must keep living being hard on myself – which I see, realize and understand is absolute bullshit and fuzzy logic because as I’ve shown being hard on myself is no solution to stopping my inner evil

dsfgfd Compartmentalizing the Moral High Horse and the Rotten Self: DAY 192I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being evil and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make evil a taboo inside myself (by ‘evil’ I am referring to traditionally ‘immoral’ acts such as lust, lying, laziness , selfishness and deliberately harming others for example)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how this pattern and point is actually a part of a Christian religious pattern within and as me that I’ve dismissed as not being very important because I don’t have any conscious connection to Christianity in spite of the fact that time and time again I have seen how my personalities and characters and experiences inside myself are tied to Christianity in some way or another – also considering the fact that my mother’s side of the family was Christian and how she rebelled against it – and as such I see how I’ve resonantly picked up on the symbolisms and dynamics of my mother’s relationship to Christianity without

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping being hard on myself because I’ve used being hard on myself as a way to deliberately limit and diminish myself so as to keep expectations low so that I did not have to push or expand myself or disappoint others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing who I will how or how to live if and as I stop being hard on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not being on my own side as I walk my daily life and instead basically live every moment of every day being against myself through backchat as self-judgment and only being for ‘myself’ as specific mind-entities of consumerism and entertainment and thus that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in this field of tension between these two sides of myself of which none are real or in any way beneficial for me or anyone else

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for me hiding my own inner evil in blaming them for/as ‘coming after me’ or ‘reprimanding me’ while in fact what I feared was my own self-judgment and blame as this ‘moral high horse’ character that I’ve assumed and lived not only in relationship to myself but also to others, while rotting on the inside as I continued living out my secret desires

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping being hard on myself because I know that when and as I stop being hard on myself, nothing can stop me in terms of me standing up for what is best for all and in changing and correcting myself to live in a way that is best for all because I no longer keep secrets from myself or compartmentalize myself but actually stand here with and as myself as a joined force of who I am

And I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand how indicative it is when I live as a part of myself or a personality that is actually living against my own best interest – that I am living on a complete delusion and destructive alternate reality in my mind.

In my next post I will continue with self-corrective statements.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

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Pure Evil Gone Goodie-Two-Faced

March 7, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

bigstock Woman hiding under the happy mask 022613 882x1024 Pure Evil Gone Goodie Two FacedIn this blog we’re continuing looking at the pattern I described in the previous blogs on how I’d react with an intense energetic experience in situations where I’d experience and perceive another human being as doing something that is principally unacceptable (such as pulling the legs off a spider) and where I’d experience that I have to stand up to the person and then the reaction comes when or if they don’t follow my instructions through which I’d perceive them as disregarding what I’m saying deliberately and from there I’d go into a state of panic and desperation and now also a form of rage and blame and anger projected towards the other person. But in my childhood, in the original memory with the spiders, I did not experience an extensive energetic experience of anger – I do remember being angry – but it is more like the anger responses I’ve stepped into later in life are more responses to that first memory where I didn’t’ do anything. What’s interesting is that I’ve been experiencing resistance to writing this point out and I see that it’s because there’s a positive self-definition of self-righteousness that I’ve held onto in terms of seeing myself as a hero only wanting to do good. What I had not faced was the origin point behind the memory which was facing myself as pure evil, as deliberate cruelty and disregard that I then saw reflected in the boys pulling the legs off the spiders. So in yesterday’s blog I realized that the pattern is originated in the following two points:

1) I get angry because I am confronted with my own evil and then push it away in another – try and suppress it in another, because that’s what I’ve done in myself

2) I get angry because I feel powerless and desperate towards directing the situation that I see is unacceptable based on the original memory of giving up and giving in when faced with the boys in how I took the situation personally and went into fear and survival mode

So these are the points I will be releasing and standing up from and within through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application and I will bring them back to my current life in terms of practically scripting a solution for myself as a corrective application of change.

For context, here are the previous blog posts in the series:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist writing out this point because I did not want to let go of my self-definition I’ve created of myself as being a hero and as being self-righteous in my anger in how I’ve perceived myself as justified in getting angry if another does something that I see is unacceptable, when in fact what I did within and as that was to justify blame towards another and as such I resisted admitted that I am actually responsible for the situation in how I react to my interpretation of the other person’s actions because I see myself in them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and perceive myself as righteous in getting angry at another that I perceive as having done something unacceptable and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify blaming another and thus abdicating my own self-responsibility for creating the situation in projecting blame onto another and thus hold them responsible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as I see what I perceive to be another doing something principally unacceptable to become angry and to justify my reaction on anger through blaming the other person instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my reaction of anger has nothing to do with the other person but it is a reaction I’m manifesting through reflecting myself back to myself through my interpretation of the other person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide my true nature behind moral righteousness and justification and blame through which I’ve used another as a scapegoat to separate myself from the evil inside and as me and to suppress the evil inside and as me, through suppressing it inside another

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am being tainted with malevolence if, when and as I perceive another to be acting in a way that is compromised or corrupted, just like I did with the spiders as a child, where I for a slight moment felt tempted to pull the legs of the spiders and was scared with what I saw in and as myself as I clearly saw that it was wrong and so I blamed and judged the boys for being a bad influence and believed I had to stop them and within that created a positive hero-type character instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the evil I feared being tainted by is already within me and has already corrupted me to the core – which is ironically why I pushed it away in another because I refused to face myself as that evil – specifically because I feared the consequences of admitting that evil to and as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as I was told by adults to say I was sorry, to develop a split inside myself – a double split – where I split the side of myself that I showed others where I pretended that I was sorry even though I was really not just to not get into trouble while I actually did not care and as such also split myself inside myself as I realized that I did not care and since everyone else was talking about being sorry, I started blaming myself and judging myself for not caring through which I formulated a second split where I hid the point of not actually caring from myself and instead immersed myself in the caring personality as I saw in precise calculated clarity that life would be easier if I played nice – but knowing that my core was corrupted fucked me up because it was like a dark inner secret that no one could ever know about since I perceived everyone else as ‘good people’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship to the expression of anger and rage based on having seen adults expressing anger and rage in situations in order to direct the situation where I’ve deliberately manifested an energetic experience of anger in an attempt to direct a situation if or when I perceive another as being obstructive towards the direction given – but within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that because my initial starting-point is fear and the memory of when I was a child and gave up because I feared the boys and wanted them to be my friends and not my enemies, I had already conditioned myself to not stand in the face of abuse or unacceptable behavior

(In my next post, I’ll continue with self-corrective statements)

Thanks for walking with!

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Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182

March 6, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

249163 10151820209490483 945274748 n Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182In this blog post I will begin walking the self-forgiveness on the memory that I wrote out yesterday about the situation with the boys picking the legs of the spiders and me experiencing myself confronted by them and then caving in and not standing up.  I’ll also investigate the memory further. I’ve looked further at this point today in trying to see if I could see more memories where I’d experienced this same experience, but the only other memory that popped up was one from when I was around 18 when a boy called another girl a whore and I completely went off on him in a fit of rage and desperation. And so it is quite similar to how I often experience myself now, where I go into a full-on state of panic if I experience and perceive that another is not listening to me if I share something with them that is principled and important or that they laugh – basically it is if I experience and perceive that they deliberately disregard what I’m saying and I can’t do anything about it and therefore a point/being or myself will be compromised because of it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when I saw the boys taking the legs of the spiders to experience fear that the spiders were in pain and therefore experienced urgency within myself in terms of getting the boys to stop pulling the legs of the spiders, but where I took it personally and made it more about ME being the one who had to get them to stop and THEY being the ones who did not stop instead of focusing on the fact that it is not cool to pull the legs off of spiders no matter what.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, based on this spider incident where I clearly saw that I had to stand up but where I felt I couldn’t create a distrust and doubt towards myself where, whenever I have been faced with a similar situation it was like I was energetically back in the spider situation and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop a counter tactic of going into a state of rage and blame towards the other that I then act out to at least feel better about myself in having done something, as though this rage and anger is the same as standing up to abuse when in fact it is not – but that’s the suppressed anger I experienced towards the boys pulling legs of spiders

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel tempted and to experience a desire to pull the legs of the spiders and within this recoil within myself in being facing with my own indifferent cruelty as I realized that pulling the legs off of spiders had absolutely no purpose and as such the fear I experienced was towards myself as I saw myself in the boys and I saw a part of myself that I did not like and I judged myself as that point and I feared it and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own fear of myself and my own judgment of myself onto others – and as such in that moment separate myself from myself as the source and origin of my experience and blame it onto another and so abdicate self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject myself and refuse to face myself as the point of pointless deliberate cruelty as I saw in the boys and experienced a slight desire towards participating in and I forgive myself that I then accepted and allowed myself to create a moral righteousness inside myself as a buffer to the pointless cruelty of then feeling appalled and angry at the abuse I saw, when that in fact really actually was a separation tactic in terms of using the judgment to separate myself from the abuse and from myself as an abuser

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into an automated state of panic when I perceive that another is deliberately disregarding the common sense I am showing them to stop abuse actually because I fear that if they don’t stop, I might not be able to stop myself and then I will participate in what they’re doing and I can clearly see that it’s abusive and since I’ve judged that as bad, I instead push it away and thus push the abuser away if they don’t immediately correct themselves according to the instructions I’ve given them of correction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance towards writing out in self-forgiveness that I am not a victim of foul play or a victim at all and to admit that I might not be righteous because I’ve had such a positive self-definition based on this pattern because I was the one who wanted to save the spiders, I was feeling for the spiders = I am good.

I realize just now that this spider memory might actually be in connection to another memory. Because one time I hit a younger child and I’m quite sure it was before the spider point. I hit her for absolutely no good reason; I think she did not do as I wanted her to in a play or something. So I hit her and she started to cry. Then I deliberately made fun to get her to laugh and stop crying and to under no circumstances tell the adults on me. That was the only point I saw. I feared being told off by the adults. I knew it was wrong according to what the adults say, but I experienced absolutely no real remorse. And so what I see now is that perhaps the spider memory had something to do with this. Another memory from kindergarten is where I was jealous at my friend because he had food I liked, he had yoghurt and I only had bread with herbs, so I took some of my herbs and put it in his yoghurt as revenge – I think after I’d asked if I could have his yoghurt and he said no – and so he started to cry and the adults yelled at me and put me outside the door. It was the one of only two times I experienced being put outside the door and I remember that I was absolutely shocked and thought it was very unfair.

What I mean to say is that what these three memories have in common is something about the development of morality and what is okay and what is not okay. And I see how I reacted to my own doings in those two memories, where I experienced guilt and shame for what I had done. And so in the spider memory I was faced with the true nature of who I’d been in the other memories of not caring about another. So there are actually several dimensions of the point.

To assist and support myself in being specific, I’ll write them out here:

1) I reacted to the boys pulling the legs of the spiders because I within that was facing a part of myself that I was pushing away and did not want to face myself as

2) I experienced fear of standing up to the boys in reacting to them and fearing them in how I perceived them as indifferent

In my next post I will continue with self-forgiveness statements on these specific points in the memory and then also continue with bringing these points back up to the experiences I’m having today.

Thanks for walking with!

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Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

February 17, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

Silence Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172In this blog I am writing out the final self-forgiveness statements on the series about the mind-movement character and in the following blogs I will write out the final self-corrective statements. Subsequently I will begin a new series about relationships. So stay tuned.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Memory – The 2 minute key chain

I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as I was asked by a kindergarten teacher to sit down and make a key chain, to experience this as a punishment and that I had to sit down because they did not like me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I even heard that I had to sit down, to experience anxiety and discomfort within and as myself and an experience of physical irritation as feeling jittery when I saw my friends moving about and I experienced fear of missing out which was actually me resisting being here with and within my own physical body in stillness and silence as that which I was ‘running’ from as I had decided to stay in constant ‘movement’.

Memory – Quiet time for Mom

then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as my mom told me to be quiet to take it personally and react as though I was bad and not good enough because of my ‘lively’ expression – which was actually a cover up for the fact that I feared being silent, being still because I knew that within and as silence and stillness I would face myself as the darkness of my human physical body and that was what I was running away from

Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence

As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards laying in bed at night in silence and darkness because that darkness and silence reminded me of that first reaction to the darkness and silence of being inside my physical body and how I reacted to the fact that I could not move myself out of my body or away from the reactions I was experiencing – which ultimately is what brought me to fantasizing at night before I went to sleep, creating an incubator for backchat

fear being alone by ladylarks Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be petrified of being alone at night in the darkness and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to come up with ideas about witches and monsters that I would fear when in fact what I feared was nothing but the silence and darkness of myself – it was in fact nothing but myself I feared

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insist that I need to have my mom sitting by myself when I am about to fall asleep and when my mom refused to sit there I insisted to have audio cassettes to fall asleep to, to have constant and continuous sound and noise drowning out the silence of my own beingness instead of pushing myself to embrace myself and face myself and investigate the experience of fear I have towards silence and darkness inside myself – all of which has now become automated through the processes of back chat and imagination

Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it

in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘mind-movement character’ that I have created a point of positive identification towards where I have experienced pride towards being someone that is constantly moving around as I now have come to cement and substantiate that this is who I am and who I identify myself as

The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character

This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I accepted and allowed myself to develop and identify myself as a ‘moving’ character to develop the character even further where I developed a desire and need for constant movement and speed – where from a survival mechanism that was a reaction to fear I made it into a positive character for example through actively participating in imagination and visualization where I became completely obsessed with being part of the world and having experiences and basically turning myself inside out

Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people

I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.

4159633736 bcfd0fc569 z Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define, value and experience ‘life’ as ‘being in the world’ and ‘being part of the world’ specifically as going out and moving oneself in the system specifically turning myself inside out and only ever focusing on what is outside of me and what comes in from the outside and not what is inside of me

Making Mind-Movement into a Religion

We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make mind-movement into a religion where I have made my entire life about turning myself inside out and focusing on everything that is outside myself and putting things and experiences back into myself and not at all or in any way remain inside myself

The return to Darkness is the road to Hell

And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how what I am fearing – what I’ve feared all my life is in fact the return of myself to myself, to the darkness and silence of my human physical body that I’ve attempted to run away from my entire life, not seeing, realizing or understanding how it is me — and how I’ve been here all along and how what I’ve been avoiding to face all along is the responsibility of directing myself, of deciding who I am and of within that embracing myself in realizing that I am the one that decides who I am – which also means that I can change myself

(In the next post I will continue with self-corrective statements.)

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154

December 11, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

Humanoid Experiments Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154The last couple of days I’ve been in a ‘funk’ of sorts after having made the decision to walk through particular points of resistance, fear and addiction. After last week where I wrote about the resistance to going out and meeting people, where I decided to push the point, I started experiencing massive resistance, that culminated in this ‘deer-in-the-headlights-funk’ where I’ve experienced myself as being unable to move myself. So I am here now to write out a prescription for myself for prevention so that I can ‘face the music’ that comes with walking through resistances, fear and addictions where one will or might face such resistances towards walking through the points that come up. Here I will therefore continue walking the point I started with in my last blog which has to do with not pushing through resistances. Or rather how to prevent myself from not pushing through resistances.

The following are the previous posts that comes prior to this one and for context, I recommend reading them:

Without further ado I’ll jump straight in:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and convince myself that it is easier and more convenient to not push through a particular point of resistance/fear/addiction simply because of the fact that I then don’t have to change myself or do something new but can remain existent within and as the box of limitations as fear that I’ve created myself into and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move myself according to backchat not seeing, realizing, understanding or asking myself where this backchat comes from and whether it is best for me to act according to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to backchat – where I submit myself to the inner conversations I carry out in my head within and as submerging myself into and as them accepting that these internal conversations and what they say is all I am where as I submerge myself more and more into the backchat the physical reality becomes blurry and irrelevant and all I care about is satisfying my backchat

When and as I see that I in the moment of facing the opportunity to push and walk through a particular point of resistance are accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat and experiences that it is easier to not push through the resistance, I stop and I breathe and I stop myself from participating in this backchat and experience. Because I see, realize and understand that the idea and belief that it is easier to not push through is a ‘built-in’ justification mechanism in the point of resistance that would trigger and be activated only in those moments where I actually allow myself to see that I have the opportunity to push through a resistance and where I see that it would be best for me, so these points of backchat are those something I use to manipulate myself into not push through the resistance through using a point of manipulation that I am ‘weak’ towards which is a desire, want and need for things to be easy and not difficult and basically what I am saying to myself is that if I don’t push through this resistance and thus accept it as ‘intact’ like a box I accept to be enclosing me, then I won’t have to face fear – as I accept the fear to limit me, the fear will ‘back off’ because there’s no longer a danger imminent – all of this of course only playing out as fuzzy logic of the mind. And I also see, realize and understand that deciding to not walk through a point of resistance, addiction or fear (which is essentially the same) is NOT in fact easier, even though it might provide an experience of instant gratification based on postponement but in the bigger picture of one’s life and experiences and in general short cuts are by default detours because there is no shortcuts to a good and happy life. Either we direct ourselves to change or we will keep facing the same shit in greater and greater density until we do. So therefore I commit myself to assist and support myself to, in those moments where I face the opportunity of pushing through a point of resistance, fear or addiction – to push myself and to remind myself that even though it seems easier to not push through, this is not so in fact and that I have to face this point sooner or later anyway.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I am constantly participating in backchat and therefore within and as that how automated it has become for me to constantly speak to myself in my mind about who I am and about what I am going to do and what I fear doing and how I don’t even notice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let backchat as inner conversation in my head where I speak to myself be my directive principle for how I move and as ‘who’ I move throughout my day where I have literally accepted myself as being unable to move simply because I said so to myself inside my head and accepted and allowed myself to ignite myself into more and more of a funk instead of stopping up seeing, realizing and understanding that all that is required for me to stop this experience, is to breathe and simply not accept it as real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can’t move myself as long as I accept and allow backchat to be that which I determine when, how and as who I should move because moving myself in fact here in the physical I am doing within making a decision to move myself in self-honesty as what is best for all whereas moving myself according to backchat is about not changing, about only doing what feels good, about generating energy for the mind

Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154So when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to change how I move and experience myself according to the inner conversations that I am accepting and allowing in my head where I am literally driving myself into a funk – I push myself to stop and breathe. I push myself to see, realize and understand that the only form of movement or non-movement that is real and valid is when I move myself here in and as the physical and that any form of movement that is initiated or inhibited through mind-processes of thoughts, backchat or experiences first of all are not real and second of all are not what is best for me because the agenda of the mind is single-minded like a cancer-cell which is to just exist as it is and for nothing and no one else to exist – and I see, realize and understand that as long as I accept and allow myself to be directed by the mind instead of directing myself I will not be here as life and I will not expand or develop myself but only deteriorate into and as the restraining box of fear that I’ve accepted as myself. And so I commit myself to assist and support myself to breathe through the experiences of fear and resistance that come up as I am in the process of pushing through resistances, fears and addictions and I commit myself to see, realize and understand that even know experiences might come up that I experience as physical because I experience them within and as my body, these experiences are in fact not physical as physical pain or harm and therefore I can stop them and change my experience of myself. And as such I commit myself to change my experience of myself through breathing and not accepting or allowing the experiences of fear to fester within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how talking behind my own back in my head is exactly the same as mean-spirited gossip and bullying where children gang up on each other where I am completely disregarding the physical and only listen to myself as the loud pounding voices in my head along the emotional experiences and thoughts as images that comes up in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist or support myself in self-directed self-honesty to understand, see and realize in absolute clarity and certainty that the words I speak within and as backchat as literal talking behind my own back is not real, but is in fact mean-spirited bullying basically because the mind knows that it is less than the physical and so it deliberately pulls the physical down so as to remain in power and control and this is then done by all the various parts of the mind, like kids in a school yard bullying that one kid who is actually the smartest but who ends up accepting himself to be a total loser

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat I stop and I breathe and I quiet myself. Because I see, realize and understand that back chatting is no different than mean spirited bullying and just like with mean-spirited bullying where children gang up on each other the purpose is to break down the one that is bullied often because the bullies feel inferior and therefore push the one that is bullied down so as to oppress them and win over them and therefore the purpose of me back chatting inside my own head is a farm of self-bullying where I am deliberately trying to break myself down as beingness in and as the physical. And so therefore I commit myself to stop bullying myself in my mind through backchat to break myself down and I commit myself to stand as that point of no longer accepting or allowing bullying within and as myself through which I’ve abused and oppressed myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how all backchat is exactly the same and exists for the exact same purpose: to make sure that I don’t move or change myself and risk stepping out of the mind which is exactly what is the result of me participating in backchat is that I don’t move myself and I become lazy, apathetic and complacent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I through my participation in backchat am sabotaging myself in my daily living and preventing myself to live to the fullest of my potential because the purpose of the backchat is self-manipulation, self-restraint and limitation where I am literally pulling myself in and closing in on myself instead of expanding myself

When and as I see that I am not moving myself effectively or consistently or with ease, I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that this indicates that I’ve been participating in backchat over a period of time and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to this backchat and so when and as I see that I am apathetic, lazy or complacent I know that it is because I’ve abdicated myself to backchat. As such I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to be apathetic, depressed, lazy and complacent because I see, realize and understand that it is the consequence of me bullying myself in my mind through backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I through my participation in backchat am sabotaging myself in my daily living and preventing myself to live to the fullest of my potential because the purpose of the backchat is self-manipulation, self-restraint and limitation where I am literally pulling myself in and closing in on myself instead of expanding myself

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I’ve been using backchat to deliberately restrain and limit myself and as such that I am not being good to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within writing the point out and committing myself to stopping the backchat all was good and I would now be fine instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I literally have to re-brainwash myself exactly how I’ve brainwashed myself into creating and listening to the backchat to the point where I’ve automated the backchat by accepting it as who I am and so to stop existing in and as the backchat I have to consistently and actively stop believing it

Hiiragi Resistance is Futile 1024x682 Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154When and as I see that I’ve written a point out or where I experience that its going well and that I it is done, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here. Because I see, realize and understand that realigning myself to a new way of living is a constant and consistent process of application where I literally have to re-brainwash myself and reprogram myself to a new way of living that does not simply change overnight or because I say so but only with self-directed and dedicated application. So I commit myself let go of the belief that I can quick-fix myself by simply writing things out or by feeling it or by saying it to myself and I commit myself to instead as I commit myself to walk through a particular point to remain consistent within my application and when and as I see after a few weeks that the point has not changed, I commit myself to go back and write out more dimensions of the point as that would indicate that I have not walked all the dimensions yet through my initial writing and as such I have a here a structure that I can utilize as I walk through points that comes up where I ensure that I walk with myself through each point to actually change it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed to not want to move myself and to not want to change myself and I want to only remain like this as who I am within and as my backchat and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to push through because this is all I accept myself as where I don’t see, realize, understand or realize to full extent as to why and how I accept and allow myself to be who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ll remain exactly as who I am now if I don’t make the active and self-directive decision to change myself beginning with simply stopping participation in and endorsement of backchat within and as my mind

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as an experience of resistance towards pushing through resistance where I’d experience that I simply don’t want to, I stop myself and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand now that not wanting to change is simply yet another build-in defense mechanism of the mind that only ‘works’ because I am accepting and allowing myself to prescribe worth and value to the backchat and experiences that comes up in and through the mind and that I’ve accepted as the totality of who I am. And so I commit myself to stop resisting pushing through resistances, fears and addictions and I commit myself to not participate in the experience of not wanting to change, because I see, realize and understand now that changing myself is a decision I make and as such it does not matter whether I want to or not.

I see, realize and understand that within the principle of resistance it is so that when one gives into the resistance, it grows to double size and it becomes more difficult to push through and when one then gives in again it grows four times in size and intensity and the same is so the other way around – so when one does in fact push through the resistance also becomes half as intense. And I also see, realize and understand that resistance does not exist anywhere but in my own mind – and this means that I can change and stop my experiences of resistance because I am the one creating them – and they are completely unnecessary and as such I commit myself to challenge myself to push through all resistances and to see, realize and understand for myself and show to others how simplistically it in fact is to push through resistance. It is simply a matter of doing it and the more one does it, the more the wall of mind-fuck cracks and a breath of fresh air as common sense self-honesty can pass through and open up one’s inner airways.

Thanks.

Recommended readings:

Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

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* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

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Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154

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How to Stop being A People Pleaser: DAY 93

August 23, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

crowd of people 1024x638 How to Stop being A People Pleaser: DAY 93How is being a people pleaser the opposite of caring about the lives of others? What is the secret behind being a people pleaser? How do we stop?

This is a continuation of the following series:

  1. Everybody Loves Me – I Am a Star! DAY 79
  2. If They Don’t See Me, does that mean I’m Not Here? DAY 80
  3. Intermission with the Comparison Character: DAY 81
  4. If a Tree Falls in a Forest and No One is Around to Hear it, Does it Make a Sound? DAY 82
  5. Lost am I in Light Supernal, yet on that Light I Turn my Back: DAY 83
  6. Adults Rotten Values Becomes The Men Children are Made of: DAY 84
  7. Redefining The Word Attention: DAY 85
  8. The Showing Off Character: DAY 86
  9. Oneness According to The Jealousy Character: DAY 87
  10. Desire to Connect/Fear of not Connecting with Others: DAY 88
  11. The Key to Connecting with Other People: DAY 89
  12. The People Pleaser Character: DAY 90
  13. Who is Pleased by A People-Pleaser? DAY 91
  14. Who Will I Be if I Stop Living to Please? DAY 92
 I commit myself to stop participating in positive energetic experiences that I’ve generated from participating in the people pleaser character based on defining people pleasing as positive
So – when and as I see that I am experiencing a want/need/desire to please another, I stop within and as myself. I look at whether the consideration of the other is practical and if it’s not I stop myself from participating further.

When and as I see that I’ve already stepped into the people pleaser character and that I am experiencing a positive energetic experience because I perceive/believe/experience myself as having successfully accomplished in pleasing another, I stop and breathe.

I commit myself to let go of and release the positive energetic definition of pride and self-satisfaction I have created towards the people pleaser character

I commit myself to let go of and stop participating in the belief that it is good and positive to please people, because I have seen, realized and understood that being a people pleaser is not about pleasing others in fact, as what one is pleasing in another is their characters and the entire point in being a people pleaser is to please one’s own self-interest in generating positive energetic experiences as well as pleasing one’s own fear of not surviving in/through social life

I see, realize and understand that I’ve resisted and refused to step out of and let go of the people pleaser character, because I’ve liked it and wanted to be it and felt successful within and as it and enjoyed the attention and positive energetic experiences that I’ve generated through experiencing myself as pleasing others AND because I have feared facing myself without the people pleaser character as who I will be if I don’t have the ‘social navigation system’ through/with/as the people pleaser character

I see, realize and understand that I’ve made the excuse and justification for myself that if I don’t step into the people pleaser character, I will be rude to others and thus ‘wrong’ and people won’t like me and I won’t be able to effectively navigate in social situations – all based on memories from when I was a child, where I experienced myself socially incapable and made the decision to become sociable

I see, realize and understand that I’ve created the people pleaser personality when I realized that people like people who please others and who are nice and friendly and so I deliberately constructed this character through observing others and assumed it for myself perfectly aware that it was not real – yet I believed that I had to make it real as I believed and accepted that who I was, was a danger to my own survival and that the only way I could ever be accepted by others were if I would please them and so I became this character to the extend where I forgot and denied that it was in fact a character that I had deliberately designed and assumed for myself to survive

I see, realize and understand that I have based my existence on survival in social situations where I have compromised and submitted and subjected myself to the rules of social situations of society, in accepting these as real and really as that which determines life and death, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that social rules of society are constructed and designed from within human beings minds and have in no way anything to do with practicality or common sense as it demands that people lie to each other and to themselves and compromise themselves and follow these arbitrary rules of being polite and friendly where no one is self-honest or expressing themselves in self-honesty

Therefore, I commit myself to stop participating in social rules from a starting-point of valuing them as real, yet I see, realize and understand that I cannot simply step out of the social rules as we’ve created a world system where our survival is dependent upon us following these rules and so I commit myself to follow the social rules and walk-with them for a moment, yet not define myself according to them or compromise myself within following them out of fear of not surviving

I commit myself to stop and delete the memory of myself as a child, where I experienced/felt/believed/accepted myself to be socially awkward and not understanding the social rules of society – believing that everyone else understands the social rules and are natural within their participation and so accepted that there’s something wrong with me

I commit myself to stop fearing not fitting into to groups and relationships with other human beings, as I see, realize and understand that everyone is the same and we’ve created a veil of a collective reality that we have agreed on is real, even though it is a construct of/as our minds

I commit myself to, when I am with others, stop focusing all my attention on my words, within and as strategically placing my words in such a way that I am amusing/pleasing to the other and they are amused by or pleased with me and 2) stop focusing on my gestures and facial expressions so that I appear open and caring and friendly to another through using smiles and eye contact and touch and an open body language to deliberately signal to another that I am not a danger and 3) stop focusing on observing the others reactions/responses through their words – from a starting-point of fearing not to survive and accepting myself as inept at functioning socially. Yet I see, realize and understand that I can utilize the skills that I’ve developed based on this character in effectively placing myself in social situations yet not define myself according to it or derive any form of experience from it, but to simply walk-with the system as it currently exists where interacting with others in certain ways is required.

I commit myself to let go of the fear of not being able to effectively assess a social situation, where I fear that I might say something wrong and people will laugh at me or think I am weird or a loser and will then not speak with me and I won’t have any friends and people will see me for ‘who I really am’ as that which I perceive/believe/experience and accept myself as underneath the people pleaser character as unsociable and awkward

Because I see, realize and understand, first of all, that I am fully capable of assessing any social situation, as everyone is exactly the same as me and if not, I can learn and secondly that even if people do ridicule me, that this is not something that define me or influence me or change me – and that people ridicule and are assholes to each other, because that’s the system we’ve created of competition and cruelty – and I can simply stop participating within and as it, through remaining here and bringing myself back to breath

I see, realize and understand that an aspect of how and why I’ve created the people pleaser character, is because of how I saw my mother pleasing others but also how she was not effective at interacting with others and how others expressed that they did not like her and so I ‘evolved’ the people pleaser character through making the decision to NOT be like my mother or make her mistakes, based on an experience of fear within and as seeing how my mother failed at interacting effectively with others

When and as I am stepping into a social situation with other people, to as soon as I see and experience myself wanting to step into the people pleaser character, to stop and remain here within and as my human physical body, in breathing and accordingly simply express myself here within and as what is required of me in interacting with others

I see, realize and understand that I’ve never actually had a genuine interest in the best for others, myself or for all because all I’ve cared about is pleasing others as they would want to be pleased and within how I would experience myself as pleased with myself when I was able to successfully please others

So – I commit myself to develop actual real care for others, as the people I interact with in my immediate environment and all of existence, from first developing real care for myself in stopping allowing myself to compromise myself to/within/as the social norms of society based on fear

I see, realize and understand that the positive relationships I’ve created towards others were in fact never real and we did never really care about each other as we’ve merely supported each other’s characters

And so – I commit myself to stop wanting to be friends and friendly with other people and wanting them to like me and to stop participating in relationships with others of mutual dependence and support of each other’s characters – and I commit myself to only participate within social rules from a starting-point of effectively placing myself in the world-system to support myself and everyone else

I see, realize and understand that, because I have focused my entire life, time and energy on creating successful relationships and interaction with others, I have completely neglected and disregarded to create an effective relationship with myself of integrity and self-trust because I immediately rejected who I was in the totality of myself when it became clear to me that I did not have the skills to function socially – not seeing, realizing or understanding that everyone is in the same boat and simply create a veil as ‘reality’ in our collective agreement of pretend where everyone believes that everyone else has got it under control, while in fact we’re all shitscared.

So – I commit myself to develop a relationship with myself of integrity and self-trust as I realize, see and understand that the relationship with myself is the starting-point of my relationships with others and with the world as a whole in establishing a new way of living that is not based on stupid social rules that only has the purpose of keep us lying to ourselves and each other – but where we live together in equality and oneness in and through an Equal Money System where we establish real care and real consideration and don’t have to create strategic characters to interact through because we stand equal and one in our relationship with each other as we do in ourselves.

Suggested blogs to read in conjunction with this blog series:

http://atruthseekersjourneyintolife.wordpress.com/2012/08/09/day-one-hundred-and-thirteen-a-journey-into-life-im-a-good-person-character/

http://fidelisspies.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-65-being-good-person-is-actually.html

Give yourself the daily gift of reading the blogs from Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk!

 

How to Stop being A People Pleaser: DAY 93

 

 

 

 

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