July 31, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
This is a continuation of the blog series where I write out how I have lived in a desire for attention from others, as a point that has been of primary influence throughout my life. Here I am looking at a specific dimension of The Attention-Seeking Character that is the “Showing Off” character. The point emerged today when a memory emerged as I was looking at what dimension of The Attention-Seeking Character to walk through next.
Read parts 1 – 7 here:
- Everybody Loves Me – I Am a Star! DAY 79
- If They Don’t See Me, does that mean I’m Not Here? DAY 80
- Intermission with the Comparison Character: DAY 81
- If a Tree Falls in a Forest and No One is Around to Hear it, Does it Make a Sound? DAY 82
- Lost am I in Light Supernal, yet on that Light I Turn my Back: DAY 83
- Adults Rotten Values Becomes The Men Children are Made of: DAY 84
- Redefining The Word Attention: DAY 85
When I was around 7-9 years old, I often visited my grandmother in the city. She lived right next to the central train station. In the memory I took my grandmothers crutches that she’d used when she had a problem with her hip or legs and I brought them to the train station and walked around there pretending to be injured or handicapped in the hope that someone would see me and perhaps speak to me and see what was going on. I remember that I saw it as special and thus saw myself as special and believed/hoped that others too would see me as special or “sticking out of the crowd” as was wearing crutches.
Now – as I looked at this memory, more memories emerged where I deliberately orchestrated a “scene” that I could place myself into and accordingly derive attention from others. One time I wore my grandmothers old uniform from the war, also to the train station where I walked around in the uniform, imaging I was a soldier. (My grandmother was a part of a female special force of nurses during the Second World War). Throughout my entire childhood I desperately desired to have a broken leg, to need glasses and have braces on my teeth. I would design brace “look-alikes” that I would wear and look myself in the mirror and imagine how I would “stick out in the crowd”.
In school and anywhere else, I was always in the front of the line, in the teacher’s face, talking, jumping, singing, dancing and I was generally known for being everywhere at once. When I was around 5, my mother at some point implemented a “5 minutes of silence” rule where I simply had to be quiet for 5 minutes at a time. It was virtually impossible for me.
As I grew older I refined the character so that it was not as evident and devised ways of getting attention without “coming off as a show off” but I also suppressed myself in and as this character and came to judge it as well. In the end it has in many ways simply become a “who I am” that I simply accepted as “who I am” without being aware of or considering that it was in fact a character.
In a previous post I mentioned the reoccurring dream I’ve had where I express myself here physically and are enjoying myself and then a man/boy comes and I instantly change my expression to deliberately try and impress him and I “lose” the original physical experience and are unable to continue doing the moves or expressing what I was before.
I’ve been trying to impress other people as long as I can remember. What I have realized as I have been walking the “Attention-Seeking Character” is that it was not actually other people being impressed with me that I wanted, but the energetic experience I derived thereof through defining the people being impressed with me as important and valuable and assigning me value. I’ve never felt more “alive” than when I have someone or a group’s full attention, all eyes are on me, and everyone is listening to me.
The last couple of days I have been discussing with my partner the extremities that athletes go through to optimize their bodies to be able to compete for example in the Olympics. We watched a documentary about such elite athletes where it was clear that they were obsessed with showing themselves off as strong. I could most definitely relate to this. So here the competition and comparison characters definitely play their part as well.
I’ve also experienced this when I felt I looked good where I experienced myself as drawing attention to myself. I’ve never been afraid of talking in front of groups and have in fact rather experienced fear that I would not be able to stop myself in situations where it might not have been appropriate or where I might have compromised myself through speaking. But ‘who’ was moving me for me? It was this character. I have allowed this character to live, speak, express for me simply to get attention so that I could get the insatiable energetic experience that I’ve felt whenever someone gives me attention. Having a look at a celebrity such as Paris Hilton, she is basically the embodiment of this character. It is clear that in all here movements and how she speak, that her entire focus is on being watched. Lol – she is like the manifestation of the essence of this character.
Here I’ll define the basic components of the “Showing Off” Character
Thought: An image of myself protruding my hips forward seductively
Backchat: I hope they see me, do they see me? Please, see me? They’re all looking at me, I’m the center of attention, I just want someone to see me, I’ll show them, I am special, I am the best
Reactions: anticipation, excitement, nervousness, desperation, superiority/inferiority, playfulness, confidence, arousal, feeling “radiant”
Physical Changes: heart pounding, body becoming hot/heated, skin prickly/buzzing
In my next post, I will continue with Self-Forgiveness on the “Showing Off” Character.
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