March 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post we are continuing with looking at the question of As Who/how am I not living self-help?
In context to the previous points we’ve walked of desiring for someone else/one’s partner to help oneself. In the last post I went a bit deeper into how I’ve not lived self-help which I identified is specifically due to me being deliberately hard on myself believing that it makes me a better person and that I have to be hard on myself to contain my ‘inner evil’ (like selfishness).
Here are the previous posts in the series for further context of what I’ll be walking in this blog post:
- Does Being Hard on Myself make me a Good Person? DAY 191
- How do I Walk-With instead of Against Myself? DAY 190
- The Secret to a Fulfilling Relationship: DAY 189
- Save The Sinner! DAY 188
- How can I Establish Self-Integrity? DAY 187
- A Note on The Corruption of Self-Integrity: DAY 184
- Pure Evil Gone Goodie-Two-Faced
- Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182
- Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181
So I will here be applying self-forgiveness on the dynamics that I exposed in the previous blog and accordingly I will prescribe self-corrective application in terms of looking at and committing myself to practically changing these patterns.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on myself – through, within and as backchat of self-judgment/blame/ridicule/anger/disgust and hate and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to like being hard on myself and to be proud of being hard on myself within and as defining being hard on myself as a good thing that makes me a good person
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it makes me a good person to be hard on myself because I am then apparently doing something about my own ‘inner evil’ and am showing that I won’t accept this from myself – when in fact being hard on myself has never ever had such an effect and has quite the contrary had the exact opposite effect where I’d hide and suppress my own ‘inner evil’ to not have to face my own self-judgment and then simply live out the evil in secret
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good and proud about being hard on myself within and as believing that being hard on myself shows that I am moral person and thus that the more hard I am on myself the more I am a moral person and thus that I am morally superior because I am hard on myself – not unlike the self-harm done within religion as a sacrifice to god
I forgive myself that I’ve never accepted or allowed myself to put two and two together in terms of looking at whether being hard on myself actually has the effect of me changing and correcting myself, because had I done that I would have realized that this is not the real reason why I am being hard on myself as I’ve show that it has absolutely no – and quite the detrimental effect on me correcting myself. Therefore ironically me being hard on myself actually support me to keep being ‘evil’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how the solution to me being evil is to actually embrace and face myself and to take myself in the hand in self-directed self-will to investigate myself and my starting-point and to practically walk myself to a correction through self-support and not through self-judgment or being hard on myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to, dependent upon and automated within and as being hard on myself, judging myself and feeling guilty for being evil to the point where I can’t even imagine not living this way or how to let go of being hard on myself because it is what I’ve come to accept as who I am
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I fear that I won’t be able to contain and control myself if I stop being hard on myself to justify why I must keep living being hard on myself – which I see, realize and understand is absolute bullshit and fuzzy logic because as I’ve shown being hard on myself is no solution to stopping my inner evil
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being evil and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make evil a taboo inside myself (by ‘evil’ I am referring to traditionally ‘immoral’ acts such as lust, lying, laziness , selfishness and deliberately harming others for example)
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how this pattern and point is actually a part of a Christian religious pattern within and as me that I’ve dismissed as not being very important because I don’t have any conscious connection to Christianity in spite of the fact that time and time again I have seen how my personalities and characters and experiences inside myself are tied to Christianity in some way or another – also considering the fact that my mother’s side of the family was Christian and how she rebelled against it – and as such I see how I’ve resonantly picked up on the symbolisms and dynamics of my mother’s relationship to Christianity without
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping being hard on myself because I’ve used being hard on myself as a way to deliberately limit and diminish myself so as to keep expectations low so that I did not have to push or expand myself or disappoint others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not knowing who I will how or how to live if and as I stop being hard on myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not being on my own side as I walk my daily life and instead basically live every moment of every day being against myself through backchat as self-judgment and only being for ‘myself’ as specific mind-entities of consumerism and entertainment and thus that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in this field of tension between these two sides of myself of which none are real or in any way beneficial for me or anyone else
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame other people for me hiding my own inner evil in blaming them for/as ‘coming after me’ or ‘reprimanding me’ while in fact what I feared was my own self-judgment and blame as this ‘moral high horse’ character that I’ve assumed and lived not only in relationship to myself but also to others, while rotting on the inside as I continued living out my secret desires
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping being hard on myself because I know that when and as I stop being hard on myself, nothing can stop me in terms of me standing up for what is best for all and in changing and correcting myself to live in a way that is best for all because I no longer keep secrets from myself or compartmentalize myself but actually stand here with and as myself as a joined force of who I am
And I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand how indicative it is when I live as a part of myself or a personality that is actually living against my own best interest – that I am living on a complete delusion and destructive alternate reality in my mind.
In my next post I will continue with self-corrective statements.
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