”I want to be Good… but it feels so Good to be Bad” Character: DAY 68

July 11, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Introduction:

I am here beginning to investigate a character that I’ve for now called “I want to be Good… but it feels so Good to be Bad”. I was listening to an interview by Anu called “The Human Picture” and one of the points that he mentioned in this interview is how whatever we want is exactly what we don’t get, because within wanting it, we’re making the living statement that we don’t already have it or that we not are it already. This point is one I have been looking at writing out for quite some time, because it is a constant and daily point wherein I sabotage myself in the dichotomy of experiencing a good feeling in ‘being bad’ and subsequently feel bad, because I want to be ‘good’. So what is indicated here is a want that is morally founded based on the belief that it is ‘good/necessary/required’ to be good and wanting to feel/experience ‘good’ through acting against that which I ‘know’ is ‘good’. So there is a conflicting definition of ‘good’ where ‘good’ is that which makes me feel ‘good’ and ‘good’ as that which I believe/think is ‘good’ as an idea about what ‘good’ is. Similarly there is a conflicting definition of ‘bad’ where ‘bad’ on one side ‘feels good’ (because it IS bad) and where I on the other side feel guilty and judge/blame/are ashamed for both ‘doing bad’ and for ‘feeling good’ about ‘being bad’. The reason why I am writing this point out as such, is because it is a primary construct/character within my life-experience and I’ve not yet established for myself clearly the time line. I have many times written about points that are related to this, such as the “Christian Character” with the dichotomy of sinner/saint and also in how I see this similar point in my mother’s personality. So I am here making the decision to walk through this character and release myself from the energetic relationship I have created towards it and as it, wherein and through which I’ve held myself captive – because when I look at my daily participation, it is clear that I am severely limiting myself through participation in this character, either through worrying about and being ashamed as well as feeling guilty and judging myself for ‘being bad’ or through deliberately ‘doing bad’ because ‘it feels good’ – this is the primary pattern, whereas the ‘want to be good’ is exactly as Anu describes it in his interview that I mentioned above, future related. I’ve for periods of time managed to live in what I’ve in my mind defined as ‘good’ and ‘pure’ and ‘clean’ only to ‘collapse/crash’ within and as this application to return to this character of polarity/polarization. When I manage to ‘be good’ according to what ‘good’ is in my mind, I ‘feel good’ about myself, like I am cleansing myself from dirt – but I can see that this application has not been real, because otherwise I’ve would’ve stuck to it – and that it is thus again another character that requires energy to be sustained because it is essentially not real and thus can only last so long before the energy runs out, only to be refueled through the inner conflict I manifest through swinging from polarity to polarity. As mentioned, I can see this exact pattern in my mother as well, but as the previous posts has revealed, I obviously cannot blame the creation or origin of this character on my mother. So I’ll have to investigate my own memories to get to the bottom of this. There is a clear energetic signature attached to this character, where I react to the words “good” and “bad” but what is interesting is that the reaction is exactly the same polarization, which goes to show that all energy is the same. Good and bad is a religious construct that acts like a cross, through which we com-part-mentalize ourselves, where that which has been defined as ‘bad’ are tabooed and as such given energy through ‘negative attention’ whereas that which has been defined as ‘good’ is given energy through positive attention, with the specific purpose of keeping the bad away, like the light fending off the dark. Not realizing that it was dark to begin with and it will be dark, when the light is put out. In this interview by Sunette Spies, it is described how the “Good/Evil” polarity was created a system of regulation of behavior. I can see how this particular system is one of the primary points of enslavement and limitation – but also self-deception within and as my life-experience. In the interview Sunette also say that the mind does not really care about “Good/Evil” as all the mind cares about it energy. In this some beings will become addicted to negative energy – such as me having defined, experienced, perceived and accepted myself as an evil person – within this, I’ve become addicted to negative energetic experiences as I described in this blog. This is why this is a ‘problem’: Because I have in my mind created definitions of what is bad and in this included “that which is not best for all”. I have, through my mind, equated “Best for all” = (morally) good and “Not best for all” = (morally bad) but because I at the same time, have allowed myself to become addicted to feeling good (and bad and thus generate energy through inner conflict and friction). I have in my mind not distinguished between ‘morally bad’ which is an illusion and a delusion and “not best for all” which is simply a practical – and unacceptable – consequence of who and what I allow myself to be. Therefore, I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and have compromised the decision to stand up for what is best for all because I have interpreted “best for all” within and as the mind’s definition of “Good/Evil (bad)”. It is interesting how “bad” is equated with evil, because for example a piece of fruit can be “good” or “bad” in its physical manifestation of for example either being ripe or being too old and no one would consider an “bad apple” as “evil”, but if we take a look at the expression “bad apple” in defining human beings, it is exactly what it is referring to. I realize that I have never been morally good in fact, but I have refused to admit this to myself because I have created a self-image of benevolence of who and what I WANTED to be and what I THOUGHT and BELIEVED that I SHOULD BE.

The most of my childhood I did not experience the wanting to be good in fact. I can see that the desire/want/need to be good emerged as a point that I strategically assumed upon myself. For years I did not feel guilty when I did ‘bad’ things. But I did know that it was ‘bad’, but I did not understand ‘bad’ as something in relation to myself, but I did understand that it was considered ‘bad’. So what did happen was that I started wondering what was wrong with me and I can see (but I do not yet clearly remember) that I deliberately made myself feel guilty to be normal. I accepted that I had to adjust myself to fit into the system. I can see a clear definition in how I’ve perceived ‘bad’ equated with ‘free’ and this is a definition that my mother clearly has experienced as well. She grew up in a strict religious home and found freedom in ‘being bad’ specifically through having sex. I then overtook that character for myself. The desire to be good come later in my life-experience and particularly when I ‘realized’ that I was in fact ‘bad’ and began to believe that there was something wrong with me. I realized something as I’ve been looking at this point in seeing that what is deemed as ‘Bad’ in the/my world are points such as greed, selfishness, vanity sex, being lazy lying and being mean to others. ‘Good’ are then opposite polarities of being kind to others, being selfless and generous, being hardworking. So when looking at how we live and exist, we are in fact living as ‘bad’. The entire world-system is built on people being greedy and selfish and vain – sex is a major point and we’re lying in our every moment of participation. So what we’ve done with the “Good/Bad” polarities, is to take that which we already are, that which our human nature and the world-system is built upon and have demonized it, made it ‘Bad’ and ‘Evil’ and thus suppressed it and everyone is hiding those sides of themselves and instead present themselves as ‘Good’ – but this is a complete lie, as one cannot effectively live or participate in the system if one does not play by the system’s rules which calls for one being greedy for example. So fear of being ‘Bad’ is actually fear of facing oneself in self-honesty and remove the deception of one’s apparent ‘Goodness’. So that is obviously also why it feels good to be bad and why I’ve associated and equated ‘Bad’ with ‘Free’. How I remember it from when I was a child, I did not understand or agree with those things that were presented as ‘Good’ such as being quiet, sleeping and not eating candy. Most of my early childhood I would in fact runs around naked in the summer and I clearly remember how, when I started growing breasts that I started becoming self-conscious. I am quite sure someone said something about me being naked and it being inappropriate, though at the moment I cannot recall the exact memory. I see that my experience of ‘feeling good’ in ‘doing bad’ has to do with ‘Bad’ thus being ‘less of a lie’ within seeing how being good was a total lie, but obviously ‘bad’ as I understood it, is a lie as well.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be good within and as a starting-point of seeing, defining, perceiving, experiencing and accepting myself as NOT good – as bad and evil. I see, realize and understand that my desire to be good is based on my acceptance of myself as bad/evil and my acceptance of myself as NOT good –I commit myself to question and investigate for myself whether good/bad/evil is even real and if not, to investigate and support myself to understand how and why I have created the polarities of good/bad/evil and what the consequences of this creation is and has been

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that goodness exist in the world and that I am supposed to be good in seeing, believing and perceiving that others are good – not seeing, realizing or understanding that goodness does not exist in the world as if it did, the world would look completely different and thus what I am desiring to become and that I believe exists, is in fact an illusion and a delusion because I’ve believed it to be real and a point of deception in me, as all, having deceived myself into believing that good exists and as such have accepted and allowed myself to deny what is here in and as this world. I see, realize and understand that goodness does not exist in the world, because if it did, the world would be entirely different and as such I see, realize and understand that I have been desiring an illusion and a delusion in fact because I’ve believed it to be real and I see, realize and understand that I’ve deceived myself in creating a belief that goodness in fact exist in the world and as such have covered up and denied for myself what is actually here in and as this world as the atrocities and abuse I as we as humanity have accepted and allowed ourselves to create, manifest and participate within and as, through our separation from and of ourselves and our abdication of ourselves to the mind. I commit myself to, when and as I experience a want/need/desire to ‘be good’ to stop as I realize that good as I have perceived and defined it in and through my mind, does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight within and as myself to ‘be good’ and to believe that if I just try hard enough and push away ‘the bad’ I will be able to ‘be good’ constantly and continuously thinking about ‘how to be good’ and that ‘I should be good’ – not seeing, realizing or understanding that within wanting, needing and desiring to be good I am indicating to myself and making the living statement that I am not already good and coming from a starting-point of already believing, perceiving, experiencing and accepting myself as bad/evil, not seeing, realizing and understanding that because this is my starting-point of ‘who I am’ as who and what I have already accepted myself as, I cannot ever be good no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I attempt to push away ‘the bad’ and as such I create, manifest and participate in and as a constant inner conflict – I commit myself to stop fighting to be good and fighting off that which I’ve perceived, defined, experienced and accepted as bad because I see, realize and understand that this is pointless and that all I do through accepting and allowing this fight within and as myself is to create an inner conflict through which I generate energy for the mind to feed off of and I see, realize and understand that that the purpose of this inner conflict and the polarity between good and bad as a fight within and as me, is manifested specifically with the purpose of generate energy for the mind to sustain itself and I see, realize and understand that participating in ‘good/bad/evil’ has not had any practical function or support for me to stand up for what is best for all life – therefore I see, realize and understand that further participation in ‘good/bad/evil’ is redundant, deceptive and abusive and as such I commit myself to stop. Practically this means that I commit myself to identifying exactly when and how it is I accept and allow myself to participate in the polarity of ‘good/bad/evil’, so that I can flag these moments for myself and immediately stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am NOT good and that there is something wrong with me because I am not good, specifically within and as believing that good exists in the world, when in fact good is an illusion and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion of goodness and within me NOT being good, have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept myself as evil – not seeing, realizing or understanding that my belief and acceptance of myself as being NOT good, is specifically based on my belief that I am supposed to be good, that I should be good and that everyone else is good and that there is something wrong with me because I am not, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am merely seeing who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become and in separating myself into polarities of ‘good/evil/bad’ I have controlled myself as well as generated energy for the mind to feed off of through me accepting and allowing myself to create an inner conflict towards fighting evil to be good inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good as a positive energetic experience when I do something that I have defined, seen, perceived and experienced as ‘bad’ specifically because it is ’bad’ within and as defining ‘bad’ as ‘free’ as in ‘free from responsibility’ and ‘free from authority’ specifically in opposition to that which I have defined as ‘good’ as that which I believe that I should be and do

(to be continued)

Follow the blogs daily at Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk!

Tags: emotions, feeling good about feeling bad, Feelings, It feels so good to be bad, positive experiences, Why does it feel good to be bad?
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The Be-Life Decree of Energy as “That which gives me Life”: DAY 26

May 14, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

If I were to do a life-review right now, the primary point I would look back as, as my “weakness” in life is emotions and with that energy as that which emotions are made up and fuel. Through my participation with Desteni I have learned that energy through the friction generated through emotions as inner conflicts based on separation, is what the mind-consciousness-system feed off and essentially consist of and exist as. Without energy, the mind cannot ‘survive’ – why? Because the mind is essentially not real, it is a delusional artificial parasite, a program that we have forced onto the actual physical – real – reality and because of that, it requires a constant re-charging (re-confirmation) to be “in check” as that which governs our lives through possession.

So far so good, I understand how it works. And I understand that emotions as that through which energy is generated, is only able to emerge and possess me, within how I have created relationships in my mind about who and what I am in relation to the world, myself and other beings. So a thought pops up and my connection to that thought as a relationship, wherein I define myself according to the thought is how it is possible to generate emotions. Emotions emerge when we’ve taken thoughts personally. So I understand all of this, so far, so good. However, I still have a tendency to become possessed by emotions and as such by energy. I feed off it because I am the mind – at the absolute detriment of the human physical body and life on earth in its totality. So my question to myself is the following: why is it that I, in spite of this knowing, am still allowing myself to become possessed by emotions more or less daily and constantly?

I see two points of limitation that I have held onto and not let go of:

The belief that I need motion/emotion/energy to sustain myself and exist here. I see how belief is directly be-life meaning it is a directive decision to ‘be-as-life’ that which I believe, which is like a decree that I have placed upon myself as a living principle. It is also that which I have accepted (as belief) myself as, as life – thus that “I will be life” through existing within and as, and generating emotion
I fear letting go of my decree of existing in motion/emotion/energy because of the acceptance that that is what is keeping me alive. As such, the fear is that within which I hold myself to the decree and use as a justification for not challenging my belief in emotion.

Emotion literally means “move out/out move”[i] which is then and thus the actual living declaration of separation, how we continuously separate ourselves from ourselves through creating relationships of friction towards the world, other beings and ourselves. What is interesting about the word “fear” is that its origin[ii] means: “to lie in wait” and “to plot against/taunt” – so fear is directly and specifically the act of self-sabotage, of hiding from oneself, of waiting for oneself, of plotting against oneself.

Therefore, in allowing myself to exist within and as emotion as the generation of energy, constantly and continuously, I am plotting against myself to sabotage myself. My direct submission to emotions, via the belief that I need emotions as energy to exist, thus makes me completely and totally the bitch of the mind. The evidence is clear in my daily experiences of emotional possession, where I have absolutely no control over myself. The ego, as the spokesperson for the conglomeration of personalities, all designed to generated energy through friction in one way or another – is then that which I experience myself as, as a “one” – one person, one individual, one human being, yet consisting of a myriad of various personalities that are all fighting each other to be “the one” – not ever realizing, seeing or understanding that I am already One, as living and existing here, one and equal with life as all that is here. The Ego is that which says “go mind! Go!” – Thus the front person in the one-man big band in my head cheering on the crowd as all the personalities to generate these experiences. Because no matter what: I allow it.

Knowing all of this has not changed anything. So what will it take for me to stop and change? The ‘level’ I have to change myself at, is at the level of my acceptances and allowances – because it is only in that that I am able to stand one and equal to myself as motion/emotion/energy. I got the information. I have applied lots of self-forgiveness on emotions, feelings and energy – but little has changed and if it was not clear before, it is now as crystal clear as it gets, that I am literally destroying myself through my acceptance and allowance of myself to participate in energy.

Let’s have a look at some of the definitions:

Defining energy as a good thing. Believing that I am in motion with emotion. Believing as the decree of saying: “Be life!” The ego as the voice of “sanity”, that which brings “us all” together – NOT! So E-Motion is energy in motion and in and through that the belief = be-life that I as “Life” am moving myself. See, because the mind is not really life, but only a simulation of it – it requires to create an optical illusion of movement (because life is Movement/Sound) to make me as the “Mover” accept that the mind is life. “E” also almost sound as “I” thus the illusion of self that is not life, but that is the mind, that is consciousness, the delusion of “self-awareness”. Another interesting definition is “energy”[iii] as it is defined as “forced expression” but also as “en” = “In” and “ergon” = “work” which actually comes from “urge” which means “to push/press hard/compel ” which in some languages also contains definitions of “religious performances”, “tie/fasten/squeeze” and even “enemy” and “hunt”. This thus means that emotion is the “thrill of the hunt” as the action of moving as energy, which is literally “hard work” and specifically ties in with how we as humans have become slaves to energy. This is our forced expression of life, insisting, forcing, and driving life as energy to work for absolutely no reason than to retain itself. And THAT is what I live and exist as. That is what I have given myself permission and decree to live within and as, through my be-life in energy as that which keeps me alive, while it is doing nothing but driving me to my grave, so that the system of itself can continue, completely lost, completely possessed and a living manifestation of misery because that which is not real can never be real. And I am responsible for that torture and taunt of myself as energy. I am the one that have gone along for the ride.

There is nothing else to say. This is simply what it is. What I mean, is that there is no mystery behind it or any back doors as some reason for why energy should exist. So I have been a 100 % loyal slave to energy, no questions about it. It has been my drug nr. 1 and I have been willing to let all of existence suffer including self-destruct to remain existing as energy – all because of the starting-point of myself as fear of loss – fear as we discussed is defined as “to lie in wait” and “to plot against/taunt” – so fear of loss is to lie in wait of loss, in and acceptance and anticipation of loss as well as plotting against self as loss. None of it is Real!

So Thought = Living Word that is formulated through the decree of belief as the deceptiveness in creating personal relationships towards thoughts in saying: “be-life!” When the relationship is that of acceptance, I become that which I have accepted as real.

SELF-FOR-GIVENESS:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in energy and through my belief as a decree of my directive will have directed myself to be energy through the living directive of that which I believe will be-life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy cannot be “that which gives me life” because energy is generated BY and through the physical as Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, experience, believe and accept energy as “positive” as “that which gives life” when energy is in fact a simulation of life, a depletion of life, a delusion/illusion that wants to be life instead of life – a physical impossibility and as such not life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason why I have experienced difficulty in stopping participation in energy, is because I have accepted energy as “that which gives me life” in the living decreed as word and deed as the directive to be-life that without energy I will and cannot exist – within and as having accepted myself as the mind consisting of and existing as energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and accept myself as dependent upon energy to exist, within and as having defined and accepted myself as the mind – as a delusion as a simulation of life that is not life in fact and therefore is dependent upon life-source-substance to ‘exist’ even though that ‘existence’ is not real because it is in no way self-sustainable and is dependent upon a source outside separate from it, not realizing that something that is dependent upon something else to exist, cannot be life in fact as life is here, constant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself and accept myself completely, entirely and unconditionally as a devoted follower of energy – a follower indeed as a slave because and within how I willingly only do that which energy as experience, feeling and emotion tell me to do and fear doing anything that is not directed by energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing anything that is not dictated and directed by energy as experience, emotion and feeling within how I have accepted energy as “that which gives me life” and fear as that which protects me – not admitting to myself or being self-honest about what fear really is, as that which I use to plot against myself – and where I lie in wait as an ambush as I use energy to hunt life down and lie in waiting for myself to bring myself back to myself and actually start living – and also lie AS waiting through using fear to keep myself at bay

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to and submit myself to fear of doing anything that is not directed and dictated by energy and as such only allow myself to act according to energy, as energetic experiences, emotions, feelings, desires and cravings based on the decree as the direction to be-life that energy is that which “gives me life”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy is NOT that which gives me life – as life is here, constant, while energy is fluctuant, unstable and able to be depleted and inflated according to manipulation

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that it is through my acceptance of energy as “that which gives me life” that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to energy as a slave in believing in energy as a decree that I deem and direct to be life – that I deem and direct to be life within and as accepting and defining myself as consciousness in a relationship with energy as “that which gives me life”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that life is that which gives life to life in the simplicity of life being life without any intermediaries or conditions or dependencies that makes it what it is

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I direct myself according to energy only – as experiences, emotions and feelings – I am living the decree of the directive delusion that I have accepted as life as “who I am” and that I as such am not living as all, but in fact depleting myself as life through sucking the life out of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a willing slave of energy within and as the experience, belief, experience and acceptance of energy as “that which gives me life” – not seeing, realizing or understanding that I am the one that have accepted energy as that which gives me life, never considering or questioning if that is so in fact – never questioning that I constantly need to fill myself up with energy, charge myself, that I must use my body and other human beings to charge and discharge energy, not realizing the extensive abuse that I have exposed myself as the physical, as the body and the earth to through my submission and addition to energy in the decree as the living statement of be-life that energy is “that which gives me life”

I forgive myself that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to question the decree as the directive living statement of be-life of energy as “that which gives me life” without ever investigating what energy in fact is or how I have created energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly as in with-will have submitted myself completely and entirely to energy in the decree as the directive be-life that energy is “that which gives me life”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly as in with-will have submitted myself to the fear of not existing within and as energy within and as believing and as such making the directive decree that fear is protecting me from danger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to do and say and kill and destroy and torture and harm anything and any one for energy within and as having completely and entirely submitted myself to the belief as a directive decree of be-life that energy is “that which gives me life” and that without it, I cannot exist

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, understand or admit to myself that the basic definition of an addict, is someone that believes that they cannot live without something that they do not in fact need and that in many cases is harmful to them and their surroundings – it is no different than my relationship to energy

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have created and existed within and as a relationship with energy within, through and as the acceptance that if I unconditionally submit myself to energy and allow energy to direct and control me, my life, my participation and my human physical body – energy will then grant me life – not seeing, realizing or understanding the absolute delusion that I have diluted myself into and as and how it is entirely in reverse as how I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to, as and within energy and precisely within and because of that have not granted myself life and have in fact denied myself life through my deliberate subjecting of myself to energy, when in fact, if I allowed myself to direct myself here in and as breath in stopping all participation in energy, I can in fact direct myself in and as my human physical body, to walk out of the mind and into the physical as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that while I am ‘honoring’ myself as emotions, feelings and experiences simply by allowing myself to participate in and accept myself to experience and validate emotions and feelings within and as me – I am in fact dishonoring and invalidating myself as life in and as the physical – and therefore, the only way to in fact honor myself as life, is by stopping all participation in emotions and feelings and experiences as energy as the very manifestation of energy is existing within and as disservice, dishonoring and invalidation of myself as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to value me as life in any way what so ever – to not even recognize myself as life and as such in no way accept or allow myself to honor myself life as life and only honor myself as energy – as the very destruction of myself as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let energy penetrate, permeate and infiltrate my entire being and living and participation in and as this world and this reality, from a decision as to whether or not I should drink coffee or eat something to anything I participate within and as and any decision I make

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be willing to stop participating in energy through emotions and feelings and experiences and inner conflicts and friction – because I have submitted myself so extensively to the fear of stopping energy in the belief as a directive decree of who I am as be-life that energy is “that which gives me life”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that life is that which gives me life and that I as life, am that which have given myself life and as such that by submitting and subjecting myself to energy, I have abdicated myself as life and separated myself from myself as life and have declared the delusion “life” and as such set myself on a path of complete self-destruction and depletion in insisting that the delusion is that which is giving me life and that life does not exist without energy and as such that who and what I am, is energy and not life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that every moment that I accept and allow myself to direct myself within and according to energy – through, as and within emotions, feelings and experiences, I am in fact disowning myself as life and as such diminishing myself to exist within and as a slave to energy only

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is ONLY through my acceptance and allowance that ANYTHING exist in and as this world and this reality – and that the very fact that I am not aware of this, simply shows and indicates the extent to which I have separated myself from and as such abdicated myself as life and that the only solution is that I bring myself back to the point of acceptance and allowance and through self-honesty stand myself up as self-responsible for and as myself here and all and anything that I have accepted and allowed myself in and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe – and in that declare a directive decree as what I allow myself to be-live – that I am less than and inferior to energy within having accepted and believed energy as “that which gives me life” and that as such is more than me and superior to me and by that very acceptance, reigns over me and that I am such a slave to energy in any and all ways

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only reason I am a slave to energy, is because I have accepted myself as such – and that my acceptance and allowance is the directive principle of and as me – and that therefore I do not have to be a slave to energy and that I CAN direct myself here to step out of the mind and into the physical as life as who I am

I commit myself to investigate all points of participation that are based on energy and to expose and reveal to myself all points where I have accepted and allowed myself to live and participate in my world and my reality based on energy and to check myself in every moment of every breath to make sure that I am participating here as a physical directive of and as myself

I commit myself to support myself to stop the directive will of and as myself as the living decree of who I am as be-life that energy is “that which gives me life” and to support myself to birth myself here in and as the physical as life

I commit myself to support and assist all and anyone who as I have lived or am living according to the belief that energy is that which gives us life – to realize, see and understand as I support myself to see, realize and understand – that energy is not that which gives us life and that life is that which gives us life and that we as such are life and not energy

I commit myself to support myself to step out of the mind and into the physical and to get to know myself as life without participation in and existence as the mind – through supporting myself in breath and breathing and through writing and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and through walking my Desteni I Process – assist and support myself to birth myself as life, in and as the physical

I commit myself to support myself to honor myself as life through stopping any and all participating in energy and energetic experiences of emotions, feelings and experiences and as such stabilize myself here in breath in and as the physical

Suggest to follow the blogs daily at Creation’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk

Related entries:

DAY 27: Be-Living in Thoughts as ‘Who I am’

DAY 28: I Think Therefore I am NOT!

Suggested reading/watching for further perspectives:

2012: Energy Dependency vs. Self-Trust

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=za16xBYH5vU&feature=youtu.be

2012 System Demons 24 – Energy Demon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88F24Q8LGLs

Day 29: The Most HORRID Disease on Earth

http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.se/2012/05/day-29-most-horrid-disease-on-earth.html

Day 31: The Secret of Breath

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.se/2012/05/day-31-secret-of-breath.html

2011: The Ego Defending Backchat Demon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXMImqztYWI&feature=related

[i] http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=emotion

[ii] http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?allowed_in_frame=0&search=fear&searchmode=none

[iii] http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=energy

Tags: Addict, Belief, Believe, Creation, Creator, emotions, Energy, Energy Junkie, Experiences, Feeling, Life, Source
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The end of Jealousy with an Equal Money System

December 8, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog

Have you also experienced that intense sting of jealousy or the pain in the stomach that feels like your entire body is about break into a thousand pieces? Or that experience of almost going insane and feeling out of control within being subjected to the irrational and emotional experience of jealousy? Would you like to never again experience jealousy? To never again experience someone you care about being jealous and therefore not support you in what you are doing?

In this article we will have a look at exactly those questions as we will look at jealousy and how it exists in this current system. We will furthermore look at how it is possible to stop jealousy all together, not only within ourselves, but within the world as a whole with the solution of an Equal Money System.

“Never waste jealousy on a real man:

it is the imaginary man that supplants us all in the long run” – George Bernard Shaw

According to Wikipedia , the word Jealousy “stems from the French jalousie, formed from jaloux (jealous), and further from Low Latin zelosus (full of zeal), in turn from the Greek word ζήλος (zēlos), sometimes “jealousy”, but more often in a positive sense “emulation, ardour, zeal” (with a root connoting “to boil, ferment“; or “yeast”).”

If we look at the two original definitions the newer being “full of zeal” and the older “to boil/ferment/yeast.”, the first exposes the fact that jealousy is an intense energetic experience, and the second the consequence of that experience as a literal deterioration of the physical as a process of fermenting. Those who have experienced intense jealousy, will recognize how there first is a surge of energy and thereafter, depending on ones level of possession, one will go into a constant state of jealousy where one becomes bitter and spiteful and one will literally start to ferment and deteriorate. It is interesting to note that the ‘yeast‘ symbolizes something that will grow through fermenting under the right conditions. The same is the case for jealousy. Under the right conditions jealousy will grow and keep growing.

And have you ever noticed how everyone gets jealous at each other? What this shows, is that jealousy is a basic component of the competition between people and that everyone participates in. We compete and fight each other to survive, because we believe that we are separate and that there is only room for one of us — yet this is a delusion, because there is already only one of us: all of us – One Earth – One Life, One Whole.

So let’s have a look at how jealousy exists in the world:

I recommend these videos for a more extensive perspective on Jealousy from a Destonian perspective: Jealousy is Nasty – Love is Nastier, Evolution of Jealousy, The design of jealousy

Below is a list from Wikipedia describing the various contexts that jealousy can be experienced in/through Each specific context exemplifies why and how jealousy exists in the current system and further more consequently through which it can be seen how jealousy will not exist in an Equal Money System.

Sibling rivalry – Sibling rivalry is a common form of family jealousy. Family jealousy can affect all ages and different members of any family. This jealousy can arise from lack of attention from a specific member in the family. More attention towards another member of the family can cause this emotion or the emotion can be seen through comparison to another member in the family. This type of jealousy is once again in result of losing some sort of attention or services that someone once had or that they believe that they had.

Workplace jealousy – Jealousy in the work place is not uncommon. People can experience jealousy of one another in practically any setting that one person feels like they are losing services from something or someone else. This type of jealousy is often seen between colleagues in similar job positions. If one worker receives positive feedback from the boss while the other employee feels like they deserved that, positive feedback jealousy can arise. Jealousy between colleagues can also arise if the employees are working for a raise or trying to outdo each other for similar job positions. Once again, the attention received towards one employee and not the other may cause intense emotions of jealousy to develop.

Romantic jealousy – Romantic jealousy can be experienced in long-term or short-term relationships. One partner can feel the emotion of jealousy arise if the other partner is paying more attention or time with someone else. To lose services from one partner and have their attention directed towards someone else does not have to be in a romantic way. One partner could be spending more time with a friend that no romantic feelings could ever develop.

Platonic jealousy – Platonic jealousy is a form of jealousy that is seen in friendships. Platonic jealousy is similar to romantic jealousy in the way that this type of relationship can lead to jealousy in result of fear of being replaced, having competition or being compared to a third party. For example, the intense emotion of jealousy can arise if two friends that are females decide that they like the same man and both want to possibly start a romantic relationship with him. Comparison and competition will more often than not lead to the two females experiencing the emotion of jealousy.

Sibling rivalry is a result of competition embedded into and existing as a part of family-construct that in turn is a crucial part of holding the world-system in place. Family is thus the incubator through which we eventually become the full-functional systems. (Read my article Fascist Family – The shocking truth for more perspectives on this point) Thus parents will literally play their sibling children out against each other through subtle manipulation and favoritism. According to Bernard Poolman, Parents and Siblings are the Keepers of the Past and parents will encourage competition between siblings specifically to ensure that the strongest genes survives and carries the genetic legacy of the family through to the next generation. They will thus tend to support the child they see carry the strongest genes.

Now – workplace jealousy is based on the exact same point: competition, yet here it is a different way it is playing out as it also has to do with success, yet in work and career, the point of competition is much more directly playing out, since people are literally competing on life and death to be the ones in the best positions with the most money, knowledge, networks and power. Points like fashion and technology-hypes are direct derivatives from this point and lots of money is being made (obviously by people who wants to get to the top themselves) so that people can compete over who is the most modern or has the newest cell phone or watch.

This entire point is experienced so real for those participating, for example in the business sector that they don’t see that it is absolutely delusional. In their mind they are fighting for their life through keeping up to speed with trends. Jealousy obviously occur for those who fear losing what they have and that is literally everyone. So the point of jealousy in the workplace is instilled directly by the system itself and within that by people keeping the system in place through buying the “newest new” and through the actual competition in the work environment for jobs and positions of power.

Romantic jealousy is one of the most common reasons for domestic violence and “crimes of passion”. It is also one of the contexts that we have discussed here where jealousy is more explicit and competition is more implicit based on the idea that the partners are equal and supposed to work in a team to win. However this is also what leads to the most intense experiences of jealousy as the fear of losing ones partner increases. Those who are single will be jealous of those who are in relationships who in turn will fear losing their partners.

Now – in an Equal Money System, jealousy will no longer exist. There are two reasons for this.

Firstly, we will, by removing the element of competition between us and the delusion that we require to fight each other to survive, remove jealousy as jealousy is, as we have seen, a direct result of competition. People will not require to buy the latest things to keep up appearances or to play their children out against each other in an attempt of ensuring the tribes survival. People will not go into relationships just to be competitive on the mating-market. They will not require a mate to exist and live a satisfying life.

Why people do all of this in the first place, is within a belief that we must fight to survive – this is so embedded within our lives and experiences that we are literally refusing to give it out out of fear that we will fall behind in the competition that we perceive life to be. It is because of this fear of losing, of dying, of not surviving, that we experience jealousy towards all and everyone.

The second reason is thus that we will re-educate ourselves to stop the delusion and existing in fear. We have become so used to existing in fear that it is not necessarily easy to give it up or to even see that literally all our motivation for the things we do in our lives is based in this exact fear. Therefore we require to support ourselves to stop all participation in jealousy and competition and fear of not surviving. One of the ways we can support ourselves is of course by giving everyone on Earth Equal Money.

As we establish this basic point of equality in our outer reality, we also establish a foundation for an inner reality, which we in turn require to transform our entire world and reality into and as a place where no one fear each other or perceive themselves as separate from the whole. The re-education back to equilibrium will take as long as it takes. By implementing an Equal Money System, we have

taken the first step to a world without jealousy, competition to survive and fear.

There will thus be no jealousy in an Equal Money System because there will be nothing to feel jealous about. We will have nothing to lose and we will not have to compete with others to survive because all resources will be given to by ourselves equally.

That is the form of reality and world that we have all dreamed about, consciously or not, yet which no one have even believed to be possible. We will never have to feel or experience jealousy again, because we will have removed the basis for it, that is the delusion that we must fight each other to survive as manifested into and as our family-, work-, work- and money-systems. And we will begin the process of cleansing ourselves inside and out until we have established equilibrium, in our bodies, work places, relationships and on the earth as the one whole it has always been. We experience jealousy because we believe ourselves to be separate, not only from each other, but from ourselves as well when in fact we are not and cannot be separate as we are all here as a whole.

Join us as we embark on a journey to discover life in equilibrium. Vote for Equal Money for All and Walk the Process of Bringing Breath back to Life.

Tags: Competition, Desteni, Destonian, Emotional, emotions, Equal Money System, Feeling, Intense feelings, Jealous, Jealous Lover, Jealousy
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Existing In The Mind Makes You A Liability

October 15, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog

The following is a real life story as a practical example of how existing in the mind makes you a liability: The other day I was out walking with the cats and was coming from a starting-point of being emotional. I even took the walk specifically at that time within a consideration that it would be cool to take a walk and clear myself and apply self-forgiveness.

As I walked out it was a usual day walking the cats. I had planned also to make some phone calls while I was there and the cats seem to enjoy when I am simply doing my thing and they are doing theirs and they simply know where I am. As I was making my first call, Flicky had climbed up into a tree, out onto a thin branch and was hanging in her arms about to fall. So I grabbed her and hung up my phone call realizing that I did not have situation under control. In addition there was a truck pulling up close to where we were and the cats got spooked by that as well. I still had not cleared myself and was instead suppressing the emotional turmoil and pushing it and myself away by simply pushing forward. I noticed that the cats where jumpy and started walking our daily route thinking that it would make them calm down.

But as we walked into the forest, one of the other cats came. I am not sure if it is in fact aggressive or if it is displaying a point of “natural” dominance that is integrated in cat-relationships. All I know is that I don’t like seeing that (big bully –lol ) cat lashing out at my little ones. Total mother-system-demon activation there. She started lashing out and chasing the little ones that ran in opposite directions Flicky into a tree as she always does and Cheaky more trying to simply avoid being tossed around by this big cat. I actually yelled at her and tried getting her to leave, but she is persistent and I am quite sure that it is more a matter of curiosity and sociability than it is actual aggression or hostility – lol – those are also more human traits.

So I walked up the mossy cliffs where we usually walk and as I was walking backwards, I experienced myself more and more stressed and emotional, yet I again dismissed it as an automated reflex. I called for the cats to come so that we could get away from the big cat and simply take our daily stroll.

They were not coming and I took another step backwards. I suddenly fell. I was a completely surreal experience – I had taken a step back, being completely in a one-dimensional mind-set and now I had fallen off the cliff and was standing in muddy water covering my boots. I quickly got out of there and was a little in shock. Not so much that it had happened. There was no fear involved with the physical experience itself; it was simply wet and cold. No pain involved. But I was in shock of how “not here” I had been. Of how I have literally “fallen of a cliff” due to me not being aware here. After that my boots were wet, inside and out and it was quite cold out so I thought that it would be best, since I did have the flue to go in.

So I grabbed the cats while still being in a state of emotional possession. Cheaky squirmed. He did not want to go in already as we had just gotten outside. He also possibly reacted to me being completely unstable and therefore not safe to be holding both cats while walking down a slippery slope covered in moss. So he jumped out of my arms and landed on the ground in a bad way, not in that elegant cat like way where they turn in the air. I put Flicky down and I started crying and I felt so guilty that I had taken my shit out on the cats, by simply not being here, by allowing myself to be emotional and reactive and instead of sitting myself down and stopping I just kept going.

So I actually ended up taking a long walk with the cats where I applied SF and breathed myself back here. They immediately responded by also being their normal self and not being scared or run away from me. Interestingly enough – where dogs seem to emphasize with humans that are sad or emotional, cats seem to see it as a liability and actually rather stay out of your way. They do however also two minutes later come and ask you to play as to say; “oh that – that was nothing, just snap out of it so we can play and have fun now”.

The cats are extremely supportive from this perspective as they’re often through their very Beingness showing me who and what it is that I have not allowed myself to live – self-trust, self-acceptance, self-comfortability, self-enjoyment. All characteristics of the cats that can as easily be applied and lived by and as the human, if only we will get out feet back on the ground, breathe and stop the mind.

Existing in your mind makes you a liability. It makes you do and say all kinds of crazy shit and it makes you totally untrustworthy to yourself and those around you. It makes it difficult if not impossible to take self-responsibility, because you’ll be coming from a starting-point of self-delusion, of paranoia and experiences of energy as polarity that’ll take you from highs to lows to highs again, like a freaking carousel ride from hell. That is what human beings are currently living. And it is time to stop the spin and get back here, so that we can take care of – and start caring for – the world that is here.

Step beyond the veil: Desteni Group

Stand up for Life: Destonians

Join the party of Life: Equal Money System

Tags: Danger, Desteni Group, Desteni Wiki, Destonian, Emotional Breakdown, emotions, Equal Money System Possession, fear, Liability, Mind
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Earth, The Planet – PART 2 – EXPOSING the EXPLOSIVE SECRETS of CAPITALISM

September 4, 2011 in World Exposed Blog

youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzBkTe2z6YU&w=420&h=345

Tags: Advertisement, Capitalism, Desteni, emotions, Equal Money System, Feelings, Sales, Sales techniques
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Earth, The Planet – PART 1 – Consumer Paradise or Living Hell

September 3, 2011 in World Exposed Blog

Tags: Advertisement, Bernard Poolman, Capitalism, Capitalist, Corporate psychology, Desteni Group, emotions, Feelings, manipulation, Money, Suggestive, Symbols, Trigger points
No Comments »

Self-Forgiveness – Release, Breathe, Walk

September 9, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that my ability to structure myself within writing and within applying self-forgiveness is ‘gone’ and thus believe that I am no longer capable of applying myself structurally in Self-Discipline and Self-Direction, instead of Realizing that I have to Will myself to Structure and Discipline myself – that it is not something that happens by itself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to trust myself to Stand and instead having expected myself to fall, thus creating a backdoor through manipulating myself by listening to and trusting the mind as me speaking to and existing as ‘myself ‘, while it is actually a programmed information system based on words and symbols that I have imprinted with energy, through Accepting it as myself and through defining myself according to it – that I have Abdicated myself to

I DIRECT ME HERE
I ALLOW MYSELF TO TRUST MYSELF TO STAND AND STAND AND STAND UNTIL I STAND

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself, within my Process of Standing up, by using specific tactics of emotional manipulation through allowing myself to be Directed by the Mind – to prevent myself from Standing up
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to absolutely specific with how I have manipulated myself, thus actually manipulating myself to only walk ‘half the way’ and not ‘all the way’, thus not walking at all
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear walking all the way
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to defend not walking all the way, by experiencing, defining and judging walking all the way in absolutely specificity as ‘unnecessary’, ‘boring’, ‘hard’ and ‘scary’ – instead of realizing that these experiences are not real, that they are specifically designed to keep me from Realizing myself and Standing up for and As All Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to design myself as Self-Deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as Self-Deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to generate emotions of ‘apathy’, ‘anxiety’, ‘guilt’, ‘shame’, ‘anger’ when I have been faced with a point of transcendence and through having submitted myself to these emotions, believe that I am these emotions thus justifying not pushing through the point of transcendence and actually Changing myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be specific in revealing to myself how I have manipulated myself, thus manipulating myself to not face myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘rushing’ and through this energetic personality of ‘rushing’ having justified not Standing up and Applying myself in Self-Honesty and Common Sense
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I have to ‘rush’ to ‘make it all’, while in fact rushing makes me ineffective and imperfect and is thus useless as a technique to get as much done as possible

I SUPPORT MYSELF TO SLOW DOWN AND REMAIN HERE – TO PARTICIPATE IN DILIGENCE, INTEGRITY, SPECIFICIFTY AND PERFECTIIVITY IN EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY BREATH
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO REMAIN HERE AND FOUCS ON PERFECTING MYSELF IN EVERY BREATH
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO STOP ALL FUTURE PROJECTIONS AND SPECIFICALLY THE PERSONALITY OF RUSHING AND WITHIN THAT THE ENERGETIC EXPERIENCE OF RUSHING AND THE JUSTFICATION THAT I HAVE MANIPULATED MYSELF THROUGH, THAT I HAVE TO RUSH TO GET STUFF DONE. I HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT BY RUSHING I GENERATE ENERGY AND TENSION WITHIN ME AND I AM LESS EFFECTIVE.
I HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT BY SLOWING DOWN AND REMAINING HERE IN AND AS BREATH, I AM EFFECTIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to not want to Stand up and to secretively defend that within and as me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, trust and Accept that I am that which thinks and nothing else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe/accept/define myself through and as thinking as a ‘who’, when in fact this ‘who’ is nothing but a system of information points seemingly ‘brought to live’ through energy generated through my permission, abusing the ‘Real’ as the Physical
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to follow and submit to every impulse of thought, emotion, feeling or reaction
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be inferior to the mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I am the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist as the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately betray myself to remain existing in and as the Mind as Separation
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go and Stop myself as the Mind, as Personality, instead of having faced the points where I have held on in Self-Honesty, to see and Realize the Self-Deception, to Stop, Forgive and Direct myself to Stand up as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having secretively not wanting to stand up, but also for having deliberately kept this Secret to myself and to everyone to make sure that I would not Stand up from within it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use my own weakness against myself within having used emotions, guilt, shame and Self-Abuse to trap myself within Deliberately not Standing up as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hide from myself that I did not want to Stand up as Life, that I wanted to remain as Personality, because I interpreted Standing up as ‘loosing’ according to not getting energy and it being hard work, while in fact these interpretations were also excuses, because I was actually scared of Standing up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to do anything to prevent myself from Standing up
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to face and admit to myself that I did not want to Stand up, that I wanted to remain as Personality and thus having created a fake process and another fake personality, in which I pretended to be working on ‘Standing up’, while in fact I was merely Hiding from myself
Okay Right now – Right Here. Enough of this bullshit. I Support myself to Stop any and all emotional reactions through Breath. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to remain Here. I Allow myself to Accept myself. I Allow myself to Support myself.
Till Here and no fucking further. I Stop myself as Personality. I Stop myself as Mind.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and feel that the only thing that would ‘soothe’ my current experience is smoking a cigarette
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive myself into the experience that if I smoked a cigarette, I would not experience anxiety and shame and regret and anger towards myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop Applying myself in Self-Forgiveness and Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, feel and participate in Shame of what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to regret having abdicated myself to the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive and seduce myself into greater Separation into the Mind as Self-Interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, participate in and experience rage and anger towards myself for having Abdicated myself to the Mind as Self-Interest and Separation
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as desperate
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I see Marlen’s videos, because they remind me of Marlen’s diligence and my own cowardice and deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist as a crook and a deceiver and a leech and a coward and a fake
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be someone else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to walk in circles
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to walk in circles and loops instead of walking a point through until it is done
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to give up on myself again

I DO NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF – I SUPPORT MYSELF AS LIFE – NOT AS MIND
I SUPPORT ME THROUG FOCUSING ON THE MOMENT – ON WHAT IS HERE IN AND AS THE PHYSICAL
I ALLOW MYSELF TO REMAIN HERE AS BREATH
I LET GO OF THE FEAR OF NOT BEING IN CONTROL – I LET GO OF THE BELIEF THAT I AM IN CONTROL – I LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO BE IN CONTROL

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify trying to escape myself by creating emotions that are uncomfortable, which I have the justified myself to avoid
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in fear of the future
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear death

I EMBRACE DEATH AS MYSELF – I AM GRATEFUL FOR DEATH – until Death is no longer necessary, I Support Death – Not Suffering, Abuse or Deception
I ALLOW MYSELF TO DIE
I ALLOW MYSELF TO LIVE

I take Responsibility for myself – I push through and Breathe through, forgive and let go of emotional experiences until I stand Here immediately
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to sleep in order to suppress myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel tempted to sleep to suppress myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself to remain Here, in and as Breath, Supporting myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I did not deserve to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Deny myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abuse myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abuse Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Separate ‘Life’ and ‘me’

I ACCEPT MYSELF AS LIFE
I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS ANYTHING LESS OR MORE THAN LIFE
I CARE FOR MYSELF AS LIFE
I AM ALIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define Life as ‘Good’ as ‘Purity’ and ‘Perfection’ instead of Push myself to Live the Realization that Life is All that is Here and that the point of Self-Purification and Self-Perfection is a Self-Corrective Action that we are taking as Life and thus not something I am Separate from
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to Die
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to disappear
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect not to ‘make it’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience frustration and irritation with the expression of ‘making it’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to get mad and frustrated with Bernard and for blaming Bernard for ‘making me’ experience anxiety and fear and desperation – instead of being Grateful towards Bernard, Equal Here as Life, for exposing me as Dishonesty and Self-Deception in Separation of myself Here as Life, for me to take Responsibility for in Self-Honesty and Self-Correction
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for having participated in and accumulated emotions, feelings and thoughts and thereby having revealed for myself that I have not stood absolutely
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame Bernard for making Process too hard, when in fact I am the only one making it hard for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accumulate distractions, resistances, excuses and justifications that have made it extremely easy for me to fall and extremely hard to stand up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately sabotage my own process of Standing up as Life as Equal and One
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that I will never Stop the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in self-loathing and self-hate for having accepted myself as the mind – instead of realizing for myself, once and for all – that ‘EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT HERE AS LIFE IN FACT’ is the Mind and is coming from and as the agenda of Stopping Life for Realizing myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create the Mind as ‘Self-Aware’ within the desire to be ‘Real’ and ‘Living’ and for not having taken Responsibility for the fact that I have Created myself as the Mind in Separation of myself (which is not possible in fact and thus a make-belief reality)in constant conflict with/as myself because of it
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that there is only me Here as Life or me Here denying, separating, fighting and suppressing myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete with myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize myself and then not having been consistent and Self-Supportive in applying myself to Stop All Separation
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having Realized myself and then having turned my back on Life to continue to Live in Separation and Self-Interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to turn my back on Life in continuing to Live in Separation and Self-interest, in the make-belief world in my mind, instead of Standing up as Life Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss smoking cigarettes
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience a lacking for not being able to smoke cigarettes
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify being in a ‘special position’ in stopping smoking cigarettes and thereby having allowed myself to over-eat
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use my apparent ‘imperfection’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear letting go of myself as emotional
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that only by being and feeling emotional, am I existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify avoiding uncomfortable emotions
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify going to sleep deliberately to Suppress myself so that I do not Face and Correct myself to Stand up from the Mind as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to go to sleep and not exist
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to not exist
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately avoid facing myself in Self-Honesty as Life and for having justified this through the energetic mind-possessed experience of being ‘weak’ and ‘inferior’ – I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto a personality self-definition of and as myself as inferior, to avoid facing and correcting myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto the desire to ‘be someone’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame for having held onto the desire of ‘being someone’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of not having Stopped myself as personality
I STOP MYSELF AS PERSONALITY – I STOP ANNA ELISABETH BRIX THOMSEN IN ALL DEFINITIONS
I Accept me Here as Life, Equal and One with and as Everyone and Everything else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from myself in my mind and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I could be separated from myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify separating myself from myself as Life through deceiving myself into believe and act as though I am inferior and thus unequal and separate from myself as Life and from Life as myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to betray myself on a whim, of giving into one single thought and from that permission having betrayed myself entirely
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abandon and abdicate Self-Direction , Self-Will, Self-Love, Self-Responsibility, Equality and Oneness to live in laziness, self-loathing abuse and self-interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that by using the survival mechanisms that I used as a child when I experienced myself powerless, I would again gain power over myself and my emotions, instead of realizing that all I manifested and accepted for myself, was that same powerlessness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fall into depression and through that depression digging myself deeper into self-deception and denial – and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to force myself to remain self-deceptive, self-denying and self-abusive to remain within perceived power and control over myself, which was nothing but a self accepted as mind-consciousness-system’s programmed and patterned survival mechanisms
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abandon myself as Life and for having accepted myself as survival and self-interest as programmed and patterned personality only
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make myself miserable deliberately to redeem myself from guilt and shame, resulting in the exact opposite
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to give into/manifest/permit and accept thoughts of being worthless, inadequate, useless and I forgive myself that I through having Accepted and Allowed that of myself, have manifested myself as exactly that in my actions, only deceiving myself even further and making myself even more miserable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to dream/fantasize/imagine and idealize in my mind how I believe I should be, thus having projected myself into and as a mental image of myself, without considering, care for and taking responsibility for myself Here as who, how and what I have accepted and manifested myself to be
I forgive myself that I have ever Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that who I accepted and manifested myself as, as the mind as personality – was who I was in fact and that by following the self-made rules, patterns, structures and rituals of myself as personality as mind, I was protecting myself and caring for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself to care for and honour and regard myself as life and that the only time I came close to or was doing so, I chickened out in fear of losing myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if I was not perfect from a perspective of living up to my own ideal of how I believed I should be, then I was useless and should and would be disregarded of everyone including myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be disgusted with myself and the cowardice, dishonesty and deception I have permitted myself to present/represent as myself, for myself and for everyone else as myself, based on only accepting myself as personality, as immanently flawed and inferior and thus justifying every actions either fighting or defending this as fact
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself as Life and for having pretended that I was not worthy of life, simply because I did not wanted to let go of the perceived freedom, satisfaction and self-control of existing as a personality in and as a mind-consciousness design, instead of realizing that it was only within this permittance that I was limited, unfree and not in control of myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe/follow/accept/manifest the thought that if I were to remain a personality, I would be free from being controlled and unsatisfied, when in fact as I have now proven to myself, it is the exact opposite
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hate myself for having betrayed and dishonoured myself and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that what I hade allowed myself to do and allowed myself become, was unforgivable and within that deceiving myself into justifying not Standing Up for Life as All as One as Equal as myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be punished for what I have allowed myself to do and become and for within that not having realized that the punishment that I gave myself, was in deed part of the scheme of deceiving myself into not Standing up for All as One as Life as Equal and for myself as All as One as Life as Equal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge and loathe myself and hold myself onto the idea/experience/belief of having sinned, instead of forgiving myself and letting unconditionally go to allow myself to Stand up and Direct myself to Live and Act as Principle
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fuel the mind, through having constantly participated in and generated emotion
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to defend and protect myself within a personality/pattern design of defying authority and moral and for having used this pattern to deceive myself into enslavement and integration of myself as personality as mind only
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive and experience my work with Desteni and the process of Self-Realization of All as One as Equal as Life, as authoritative, oppressive, boring, enslaving and morally correct and thus justifying, permitting, laying the ground for me to defy and rebel against it, instead of seeing that I within this very manifestation of resistance was reaching a point of break-through that the Mind could not allow, as I would have stopped the mind, stopped accepting myself as the mind and thus ended myself as personality
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to groom myself into a life of misery, bitterness, depression and laziness as the very living manifestation of having accepted myself as the mind, as personality only and for having believed that I could actually be free and satisfied by doing so
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to think/believe/call myself stupid and an idiot for having deceived and betrayed myself into giving over all power and authority of myself over to the mind-design of personality as how and who I accepted myself as
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was fighting against someone else’s control, oppression, morality over me, when all along it was my own definition of control, oppression and morality that I followed, thwarted in the reflection I casted upon others in separation of and in comparison of competition with them from me in my mind
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to deal with/face/take responsibility for my experience of being trapped, controlled, bored and unsatisfied, which I did not allow myself to deal with/face/take responsibility for, because I was ashamed of myself and instead allowed myself to split myself and create/accept/manifest a secret/forbidden personality in which I could ‘live out’ myself as I secretively believed and desired to live, resulting in me further separating myself in and as myself as well as allowing myself to betray and deceive myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to admit/reveal/face all of this for myself, because I had an image of myself, which I desired to fulfil and in which I saw others reflecting me back to myself, how I wanted to be perceived, thus risking losing image and face by revealing myself completely – this I forgive myself for.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to only be interested in being reflected as an ideal image I had of myself in my mind, in which I disregarded myself as Life entirely and within that all of Life entirely, caring only for being seen by others as an image or even as a reflection of an image in my mind, not ever actually seeing or caring for myself Here – as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that I was not Life and that I did not deserve to exist as Life, thus believing that the only way to redeem myself for what I have done and become, was to punish myself and deny myself as Life, deny Life as myself, instead of forgiving and Directing myself in Self-Honesty to once and for all Stand up and Stand by myself as Life, as Innocence
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe myself to be and through my participation and permission of that belief, having become an image only, a lie only, a thought only – only existing vainly in being reflected and accepted as that by others also living as an image, a lie, a thought, thus permitting existence to continue as dishonesty, self-interest and separation – instead of facing all myself and taking responsibility for all of myself Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately invalidate my self-authority, by breaking agreements with myself, by deceiving myself, by taking pleasure in abusing and lying to myself, thus justifying giving up on myself and allowing myself to remain as what I have accepted myself as, as personality of patterned and programmed mind-consciousness-system
I forgive myself that I did not Accept and Allow myself to Support myself in Self-Direction and Self-Forgiveness, as I was pushing through resistances, stopping fear, thoughts and emotions and ending myself as personality and instead gave myself over to deceptive and manipulative survival strategies of the mind
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that what I have done, I did not do because I am evil and bad, but simply because I did not Direct myself absolutely and unconditionally in Self-Trust, Self-forgiveness, Self-discipline and Self-Honesty, thus leaving ‘room’ for the mind to Direct and control me, essentially still accepting myself as the mind, instead of realizing that the thoughts of giving up and caving in, were survival strategies placed specifically and deliberately so that I would fall and remain trapped – in this design that I myself, by my very ‘nature’ of having existed in and as a mind-consciousness-system have given an overriding permission and the authority to Direct me, to become, for me to become and accept myself as
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was unequal and through comparing and competing with others in my mind, having fuelled and validated the idea the I had already accepted, permitted and participated in as valid, that I was inferior, thus validating for myself in my mind that I was unequal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify not Standing up through blaming others for not Standing up and being Self-Honest and for having feared being unpopular, unliked and feared were I to Stand up in absolute Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself by fearing that others would dislike me and fear me if I were to Stand Up in Self-Honesty and for having desired others to like me and trust me, because I did not like or trust myself and because I only saw/experienced/believed myself to be an image reflected by others, deliberately disregarding and suppressing myself within and as Common Sense as Life in Self-Honesty, because I feared not being liked by others
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept/define/see/experience/judge myself as a lazy, self-interested, cowardice self-abusive, half-mad, addicted and indulgent person and that that is all I am and will ever be
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react towards myself with anger, disgust and resentment and for within doing so, not having realized that I within allowing myself to participate in these emotions, were giving fuel for myself to remain enslaved as personality of and as mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge/define/experience/believe/justify the mind and myself accepted as the mind, as evil and unforgivable, instead of realizing that this is part of the deception and that I can only stop myself by forgiving myself and letting go/ended myself off/as the mind, thus by holding onto and blaming the mind as though it was separate from me, I have actually given power to it and in the process defending and validating myself to keep existing in and as the mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a timeloop in which I have enslaved myself and in which I have believed and accepted myself to be enslaved
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to choose myself as personality as self-interest, mind, survival and separation, over Life as All as One as Equal
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop and consider myself Here and instead having held onto an ideal image of myself in my mind of ‘who I was’ or ‘Who I should be’, thus making myself unable to face, forgive and Direct myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be so ashamed of having accepted and allowed myself to disregard Life for self-interest, that I have resisted and validated the resistance of facing myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of having disregarded myself as Life and Life as myself and instead having taken comfort in the self-deception of accepting myself as personality, as flawed, as desiring, as emotional, as thinking, as thoughts
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify disregarding, abandoning, betraying, abdicating Life as All as One as Equal as myself because I felt that the work was too hard and too tedious – and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of admitting that, to myself and everyone else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for having experienced ‘Process’ as tedious and too hard, instead of realizing that the mind in it’s enslavement-survival design, is designed to make me accept it as myself, giving over all authority to it as myself and that I would not be here, had I not done that in the first place, thus everything that I will encounter that is involved in Standing up for as and within Life, will be perceived and transmitted as a threat to the mind and that it is thus only if I accept myself as the mind, thus giving the mind power and validation, that I believe and experience ‘process’ with resistance, fear and resentment and thus, that is exactly where I must Stand up and Stand strong
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having manifested/accepted/participated in accepting myself as lazy, with no backbone and no self-discipline and for within that, having accepted myself only to do what is easy or satisfying, not believing myself to be disciplined and hard working and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to convince myself of this, even when I have proved myself otherwise to myself, thus giving room for self-distrust and doubt and for the justification of not doing anything that I do not like to do or find too hard

I do not Accept myself as weak
I do not accept myself as lazy
I do not accept myself as self-interest
I do not accept myself as a coward
I do not accept myself as self-abusive
I do not accept myself as half-mad
I do not accept myself as an addict
I do not accept myself as indulgent
I Accept myself as Self-Trust
I Accept myself as Grace
I Accept myself as diligent
I Accept myself as Self-Disciplined
I Accept myself as Self-Directive
I Accept myself as Self-Responsible
I Accept myself as Self-Care
I Accept myself as Self-Nurturing
I Accept myself as Self-Willed
I do not Accept myself as thought
I do not Accept myself as personality
I do not Accept myself as emotion
I do not Accept myself as Self-Judgment
I do not Accept myself as fear
I do not Accept myself as powerless
I Accept myself as courage
I Accept myself as Self-Honesty
I Accept myself as Innocence
I Accept myself as Self-Forgiving
I Accept myself as Clarity

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear becoming sick
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect becoming sick
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear getting cancer
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect getting cancer
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear getting cancer from having thoughts about it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear dying in regret
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear dying because if fear missing out
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to regret that I did not push and deleted the backdoor
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that it is too late for me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to give myself a chance
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to be able to pick up where I left off, when it is evident that I have to start over
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be grateful to be able to start over, so that I can ensure that I am standing 100 % for life
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to start over, so I can ensure that I stand 100 % for Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expected myself to fall, thus walking deliberately into the experience of falling
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being judged by the others at school
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to attempt to place a wall around myself, dressing a certain way, speaking a certain way, simply because I fear being disliked, mocked and judged by the others as school
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and experience that I do not know where to start in terms of walking for myself, instead of allowing myself to discover that through walking into the unknown
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear walking with myself alone
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to forget myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as an idiot
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself according to a memory image/experience wherein I felt like an idiot
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the memory, emotion and self-definition of myself as an idiot
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the desire to be cool, to be smart and intelligent, because I feared that if I lost that mask, everyone could see that I was an idiot.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be obsessed with promoting myself to get attention from others, because I believed it was the only way I could get worth and value
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the belief that only by getting attention and energy from others, am I valuable and worthy as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that the only way I can be worthy, have value, is through the energy and attention by others
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to within this construct having supported the Hollywood system of fame and icons and thus supported and believed that life was only valued as an image, thus as the mind
I forgive myself that I have only ever Accepted and Allowed myself to value Life as an image
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to share this realisation with the world on camera, thus the exact point that I am sharing here – thus I Stop

I am Here – I remain Here – I ALLOW MYSELF TO EXIST – I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE ALIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to remind/recall the memory where Bernard said to Matti ‘I am here’ and he did not say it to me and I felt that it was because I was not worth it and because I was not here and then I said ‘I am here’ and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for being an idiot for having said that
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel sick when that memory pops up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react to this memory of Bernard saying ‘I am Here’ to Matti
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be directed and controlled by memories
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself entirely for the sake of being the perfect picture presentation and then within the pressure of constantly having to present a false image and keep up the appearances, I have polarized and thus abused myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept picture-image-presentation as the most important thing in the world
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear letting go of myself as an image/picture-presentation within the mind and within energy and for fearing to become intimate with myself as Life and thus I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to back out
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself unconditionally Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to think about Bernard and Bella and how they see if, whether I am worthy or not – I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to when I think of Bernard to think of someone that is judging me and that is angry at me, when in fact Bernard is Here as Support Equal and One as All life, and what my experience is showing me, is my judgment of myself and the anger I have accepted towards myself which I have then projected onto Bernard in Separation from Bernard and from myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Bernard. From Bella, from the farm, from the people participating in Desteni and seeing them only through my mind, in comparison and completion with me and as projections instead of seeing them equally Here as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive and experience other people as threats that are out to hurt me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to question or challenge my experience of others being out to hurt me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself and Direct myself through these experiences, to apply Common Sense, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness to bring myself Here as life, without judgements, fears or Separation
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand Here as Life as Equal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as distanced from Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear the experience of feeling distanced from Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel that Life is slipping between my fingers
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being punished by Bernard for not having stood as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/experience/define/judge Bernard as superior to me and thus having projected my self-judgment onto Bernard as I also have accepted self-judgement as Superior to me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept Self-Judgment as superior to me

I Breathe
I Allow myself to be Here and Breathe
I Direct myself to Stop Participating in thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions, memories and I slow myself down to focus on the moment and on One Breath at the time

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear what Viktor said about Bernard having said about not being sure about me walking this life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent Viktor for having said that
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to participate in and experience fear that Bernard is correct

I do not Accept that I am not able to Walk this Life time
I Prove this to myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel weak and drained and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that this fall is permanent –Instead of pushing and challenging myself not to Accept that, to simply Apply the tools of Common Sense and Support myself as Life and not as an Image
I Support me Here as Life no matter what
I do no longer Accept myself as an Image
I do not Accept myself as thoughts
I do not Accept myself as emotions
I let go of the fear of falling
I let go of the fear of performing to satisfy someone else
I let go of performing to satisfy men
I let go
I am Here

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear sharing this self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire sharing this self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear falling
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the fear of falling
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Abuse the Life that is me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to shape my lips according to an idea in my mind based on images of Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz, in which I subconsciously have believed that if I strutted my lips like them, I would look beautiful and thus be cool and successful
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel guilty because I have not done sub4sub effectively
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to do Sub4Sub effectively
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame YouTube or some undefined entity as ‘the internet’ for me not being able to sub that many at the time and for believing my problem to be unique and thus having used this to justify why I have not done Sub4Sub and why I have not been effective within it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be overwhelmed with Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Blame myself for not having done Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to imagine myself explaining myself to Bernard that I did not have time
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/judging/experience Sub4Sub in Separation of myself Here as Life, by seeing/defining/judging and experiencing Sub4Sub as less and more than me Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/experience/define Sub4Sub as something I am supposed to do because Bernard says so – which in itself is revealing a personality that I have energetically accepted myself in and as – instead of Standing Equal and One with Bernard and with Everyone else to do Sub4Sub simply because of the practicality of it in gaining more viewers which is crucial to process at this time
I AM ONE AND EQUAL AS SUB4SUB
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO SUB4SUB
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of not having been effective with Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use the excuse that I don’t have time to do Sub4Sub , while in fact I almost every day spend time on activities that are irrelevant such as shopping. Watching something or in most cases thinking and feeling
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise my participation in Sub4Sub through having Allowed myself to spend my time shopping, watching something or worrying in the mind through thoughts and emotions

I PARTICIPATE EQUALLY IN SUB4SUB – I AM RESPONSIBLE TO DO SUB4SUB EFFECTIVELY ACCORDING TO THE TIME I AM AVAILABLE AS PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC
I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF TO EXPERIENCE GUILT OR SHAME WHEN I DO NOT DO SUB4SUB, BECAUSE I HAVE AGREED WITH MYSELF THAT I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR DOING SUB4SUB EFFECTIVELY ACCORDING TO MY ABILITY AND CAPACITY TO DO SO
I SUB4SUB FOR WORLD EQUALITY – BECAUSE IT IS A FREE COMMON SENSE TOOL TO SPREAD THE WORD

I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to walk myself into perfection with Sub4Sub because I did not want to take Responsibility for myself, my process or the Equality Process in general
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to walk into and as perfection and for having resisted this through all the tricks I had available
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to avoid perfecting myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge ‘perfection’ as a word of pressure, elitism and as something superior to me that was absolutely unattainable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept Perfection as unattainable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as Imperfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define and experience myself as imperfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to honor myself as imperfect, while in secret desire to be perfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was not able to perfect myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to secretively desire to perfect myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to perfection
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Separate myself from myself as Perfection through having defined/judged/perceived perfection through and as an image in my mind of more than what perfection actually is, thus actually accepting it as less, within not Accepting Perfection as what it is – Completion, Pure, Natural, Whole

I ALLOW MYSELF TO PERFECT MYSELF

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react with nervousness and fear when I see that Lindsey is effective
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Lindsey
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to pretend that I do not separate myself from Lindsey or Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react towards both Lindsey and Marlen with fear and apathy in having Accepted myself to compare myself to the perception I have of them in my mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Lindsey and Marlen and life and for seeing/ perceiving/judging her through and as the mind, as competition and a combatant
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Lindsey and Marlen and life and for seeing/ perceiving/judging her through and as the mind, as competition and a combatant
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/experience/judge every person as an opponent that is out to get me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to having automated the experience and belief and acceptance that other people are out to get me and that I have to protect myself with all means at all costs to survive
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept Life as a battlefield
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete against myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete against ideas in my mind

I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF TO COMPETE – COMPETITION IS THE ULTIMATE SYMBOL OF SEPARATION – AND I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS SEPARATE – I WALK UNTIL I NOT LONGER ACCEPT ANY FORM OF SEPARATION
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO STOP ALL COMPARISON – TO REMAIN HERE – TO ALLOW MYSELF TO ENJOY MYSELF – TO LIVE WITHOUT FEAR

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compare myself to the picture, image perception of others in my mind, always calculating who is more and who is less
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to envy and resent Marlen for being Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself as Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire myself to live up to being Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent and within that having defined and accepted Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent as more than me, thus Separating myself from Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent as myself Here, as Life Supporting Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to project energetic image-definitions and judgments onto others, specifically Marlen as strict and ruthless and Lindsey as perfect, thus comparing myself to these images in my mind – using them to manipulate myself not to Stand
NOT ANYMORE
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted myself as disciplined and thereby holding onto a personality-self-definition of myself as undisciplined and thus ‘untamed’ and thus ‘free’ – while in fact this is an idea in my mind and has nothing to do with reality
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define ‘discipline’ through polarity as ‘obligation’ , as ‘being forced to do something’, as ‘unfree’ as ‘boring’ and thus define undisciplined as ‘free’ and ‘untamed’ – thus actually having enslaved myself to a judgment , instead of seeing Discipline in Equality as me Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be disciplined and for having believed that I am undisciplined
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear discipline
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Apply discipline for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be disciplined
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/judge and experience discipline in Separation of myself as something more or something less than what it is

DISCIPLINE IS TO BE EFFECTIVE WITH WHAT IS HERE – TO SEE WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AND TO DO IT – TO PUSH MYSELF THROUGH RESISTANCES
I ALLOW MYSELF TO DISCIPLINE MYSELF
I ACCEPT MYSELF AS DISCIPLINE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in fear of walking this Self-Forgiveness and for doubting myself to walk
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a backdoor through manipulating myself through inferiority – instead of Directing myself Here in Self-Honesty
I DIRECT ME
I WALK

Tags: addictions, anxiety, cigarettes, depression, emotions, enjoyment, Equality, fear, Future, independence, love, mental problems, Mind, self trust, Self-Confidence, Self-Hate, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness, Self-Transformation, transformation
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Like a dear caught in the Headlights

April 27, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

This title is probably the most precise way to describe how I have experienced myself the last month or so. Like a dear caught in the headlights, stiff, alert, ready to run for a safe place to hide. I experience myself in this state of ‘freeze’, not moving, standing absolutely still not be seen, heard – caught. I stopped smoking the 1. February. Started again 21 days after, smoking for 3 days, had massive headaches every time i smoked, stopped again for aproximately a month. Meanwhile I started on what I have called a diet, but what was not supposed to be a diet, because it was ultimately about me doing something for myself for the first time in my life, about me supporting me, as life, Here, The Physical – I even started exercising, which was not part of the original plan, but which made sense as i started to lose weight. Then slowly but surely I unwinded myself, recreated the cocoon of apereant ‘comfort’ and ‘safety’ that I had found in this self-abuse disguised as ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’ – (poor me, I deserve a cookie, I can’t stop eating cookies, poor me). As I have looked at what really happened, my ‘rational’ explaination has been that I had made it about someone else – because as soon as I was not in the company of those that had pushed and supported me directly within this, I crawled back into my hidingplace, behind weight, food and cigarettes. Since I have been struggling with moral scruples and inner fights and debates. But what I have done in fact, is that I have let the thoughts, the addiction, the fear – take over. Making it about someone else having taken responsiblity for it and clamining myself to weak to Stand on my own two feet, is yet another way of attemptying to shift responsiblity. Because the matter of the fact is that what I was doing – was in fact working. I was becoming stronger, could see more clearly and began actually caring for myself in fact. What I however experiecned was that the emotions that came with the withdrawl, was too much for me to handle. What I have found absurd and still do, is that I had all the tools available to deal with my experiences – maybe as Breath, Breathing through the point, as I have done before and as I have witnessed other do first hand – simply not participating, not accepting myself as that thought, as that emotion – and breathing it through until it disapates. I found myself unable to do that. And I have wondered how the emotions was like the child screaming, because it cannot get what it wants and would have eventually capitualted, except that I gave in, again and again, because I could not bear the sound of the screams of dissatiscfaction. So I started smoking again, first one cigarette, then two, then hiding it from the people around me – which I then discovered has always been a part of the Addiction signature, that it is kept alive by hiding it, by playing myself up against other people in my mind – as though they were the ones responsible for me having made this decision for myself. Then I gave into it, and I smoked a pack in a couple of hours, ate a whole back of cookes, got a massive head ache and stomach cramps in returned – yet continued the next day, as though nothing had happened. Then I stopped smoking for a day or two, but it was constantly on my mind, lurking, calling and once I said ‘yes okay’ in ‘mercy’ to one thought, the next followed and then the next and before I knew it – I was back. All the weight I had lost, I had regained. It was almost as If I have not been able to handle actually being capable of doing something on my own and it actually worked! I don’t think two months is enough to change a habit and addiction like this one. Obviously it depends on what is invested, believed and accepted about the addiction – but for me, having smoked for 16 years, since I was 12, having used cigarettes as a point of stability, familiarity, safety, power, control and utlimately as a tool to suppress everything of myself that I did not want to see or face – it might take more than two months, before the emotional chaos and the anxiety that comes with the withdrawl disapeates. But I did not stay patient or on track. I have been so used to making idealistic agreements with myself, then breaking them, laying low for a while in shame and then coming up with a new idealistic fantasy – that part was easy. I have realized a lot about myself the last few weeks that has been mildly put apaling – a roundtrip to the core of self-interest, self-pity and loathing, self-deception and abuse, to find out – that I have never actually dedicated myself to anything real in this world, I have never disciplined myself to walk through something difficult or uncomfortable. Instead I have searched the backdoors and short cuts that would make my path as easy and painless as possible – Not knowing that the easiest path is actually the longest route, because no matter what I do or where I go – I always end up Here.

In terms of this blog and series about Transformation, which is another way I have rushed ahead of myself in an attempt to prove myself worthty and in this case, of actually having changed and stood up – I will keep writing. I have not written anything lately because I was ashamed, I was as the dear caught in the headlights and I wanted to present myself only once I again had success with my process of transformation – Instead of Realizing that this, what I am experiencing now is a part of the Process and as I Fall – I Stand up again.

Tags: addictions, anxiety, attractive, body, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, diet, drugs, emotions, fat, fear, food, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, transformation, weight, weightloss, withdrawal
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Addiction 101 – When Food is not just Food

March 14, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

It started with a piece of cheese.

Yesterday as I woke up, I was going to eat breakfast. I ‘asked my body’ what it wanted and the ‘reply’ I got was ‘cheese’. See I ‘love’ cheese, and I always got a stomach ache from eating rich cheeses and dairy products such as ice cream, so it was like a specific point and example of self-abuse and self-interest, where I ate cheese even though it gave me a stomach pain, with the justification that I was allowed to, because it is my body and I decide what I do with it and it is only a little cheese and it tastes so good that I just can’t help myself. This whole thing fast becomes complicated and a whole world in itself – because besides being type A blood type and therefore being predisposed of not processing dairy very well, in addition I was lactose intolerant as a child, supposedly because my mother, who gave birth to me at the age of 42, ‘ran out’ of breast milk when I was an infant. So I did not eat or drink anything containing dairy until I was 12 and she decided to test out if I was still intolerant. Up until then I only had access to dairy when I sneaked my way to it. So I would eat ice cream at a birthday party without my mother knowing it, and two hours later break out with hives all over my body. Or I would steal a big chunk of cheese from the fridge and keep it hidden so I could eat from it when I wanted to. So it is sufficient to say that cheese has a special place in my heart. I am telling this story to share how easy it is to dilute oneself into believing something is an act of innocence – when in fact a lot of manipulation and deception has gone into it. After what happened yesterday, I am pretty sure that it was not by body claiming that it required cheese and that it was a thought that I interpreted as the body speaking, so that I could justify for myself eating cheese. Anyway, I ate the cheese, just a little bit I told myself. With two pieces of dried toast. Afterwards I got a stomach ache, almost as on schedule, maybe because I felt guilty or for making a big deal out of it – What is really interesting is what happened following the ‘cheese incident’ the rest of the day yesterday and today as well. I experienced the most difficult day so far of keeping my diet, not overeat and not eat from desire for taste, memory and so on. I started making excuses and stepped over the boundaries I have set for myself. In return I felt guilty and my body felt very uncomfortable, heavy and aching. Today I have even considered smoking a cigarette. Last time I did that , it did not take me many hours before I did smoke the cigarette and soon after that was back on my 20 + a day. So I haven’t and I noted this for myself as I had the thought. It all started with me allowing myself to eat a piece of cheese and it has obviously very little to do with the cheese itself. It has to do with who I was in that moment. The day before yesterday I experienced a release and I trusted myself, to simply eat, instead of having to restrict myself according to specific rules and so I expected that I would be able to do the same the following day. It was almost like an arrogant moment of believing that I now have full control over my actions. Because I clearly don’t. And it is not because I am not able to Direct myself in the moment – it is because I have been living this for so long, for so many years that I have created myself around it, I have created a relationship to food, to eating, to smoking, to consuming that is not based on nurturing my body, but on satisfying ideas of satisfaction, of taming and obeying fear and desires – of everything else than being Here. And this is not the first time I have experienced this – and I am not the only one who has experienced this. It is a classical fall for addicts. Once you are over the worst Jonesing, which is mostly physical uncomfortability where you have to simply focus on not consuming your drug of choice, it suddenly becomes more easy, like a breathing space, where things are going well. The thing that I have experienced in stopping addictions and cravings, is that after a while, I get used to this ‘new way of living’ – it is suddenly not new anymore. I do not have to push myself to keep the diet or to not smoke. It is simply a matter of not doing it. For many people, this is where they fall in. When I stopped smoking the first time, I started again after 21 days. All it took was one thought, that I diluted myself to believe was innocent. ‘I’ll just have one cigarette’. So this is the point, where I cannot expect anything of myself. It is still a matter of moment to moment Self-Honesty. And this, by catching myself doing this, by slowing down, not judging and actually seeing what it is I am doing – I can flag all of these possible ‘pits’ for myself, so that I do not have to fall on my ass every couple of days, just to pick myself up again. Why was it the cheese that made me break the deal? Because cheese in my book is not just cheese. It is a symbol within my mind of how I treat myself with something that I am deprived from, a speciality , a luxury, where I am independent and do what is Best for me – Only that is how I created it in my delusion as a child, because it is not what is best for me – it is self-abuse and I did it, because I believed I was treated unfair, that there was something wrong with me, that I was punished because I was not allowed to eat what I wanted to. So it has become a symbol, twisted and distorted, no longer with any relation to what it actually consist of and what is Common Sense. This is how we fuck with ourselves. How we walk into, defend and justify situations and experiences, that is not best for us and certainly not what is Best for All.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, coffee, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, looks, rehab, self trust, self-accept, self-acceptance, smoking, standing up, transformation, ugly, ugly duckling, weight, weightloss
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Mind & Body – Detox and Deconstruction

March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

So Im now a month into, a little over a month not smoking and on you can call it rehab in terms of eating with my emotions, eating to get high, eating to get energy and basically stimulating myself to get energy and to… well thats what Ive Realized after I started the diet and stopped smoking, because I have constant craving for smoking, eating, speaking, watching, basically anything that can give me the sense of being filled up or filling myself up, anything that is not just me Here keeping occupied, and its interesting because Ive noticed that there are like specific points, where I wanna smoke, it is particularly if I get stressed or if I get scared then I wanna smoke. Which could signify that that is where Ive not been able with stuff myself and have used cigarettes to control my reality and to give me a sense of comfort and safety within my world. So… something I find interesting is that when I first stopped smoking and I went on this eating rehab, detoxification programme, I thought that it was only gonna be a face or a while and then I would be able to go back to my habits, and Ive that thats not so that this is a complete change of, its basically the beginning of a complete change of who I am, which is going to have to Stand. Im not saying that I might not eat differently at some point, but at this point, what I realize is that the way Ive been attached to eating, the way Ive been eating, the way Ive been drinking, the way Ive been stimulating myself, is so completely engrained within me, where Ive diluted myself and been dishonest with myself and made excuses and justifications so I cant possibly go back to just eat what I want to, because its not what I want to. How I taste, what I feel like eating, feeling of hunger, of thirst its not real. Its not based on the body saying: I need nutrition now, I Require fuel to be able to function. So Ive basically fucked up my whole physical system in terms of making it into a mind-fuelling system, which we obviously have in other perspectives as well, but this is like very specific, like I said: eating with my emotions. And even now after a month, I find it extremely difficult and Im surprised how difficult it is. At the same time, Im determined. Im going to, Im going through it, Im walking through it, Im doing it but every day I Realize something about how intense and how attached this system is within me. I dont even know who I am, because how can I know who I am, when I experience a craving for something and it gives me a stomach ache, and its basically not optimal in any way for body, how can I say I know who I am, I mean I know who I am as an addict, I know who… I know what satisfies my addiction. I know what my addiction requires, to be able to sustain itself, because thats the tricky part it is to, for the addiction to sustain itself, its not to actually get rid of the craving. I realized earlier today as I was scratching a mosquito bite, that its basically the same principle the more you scratch, the more it itches.

Tags: addictions, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, dependency, depression, diet, drugs, emotions, Equality, fear, food, Future, looks, love, mental problems, Oneness, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, smoking, standing up, Structural Resonance Alignment
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