Ego - Anna's Journey to Life

‘Who I am’ as A Character that Writes: DAY 62

July 1, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Please read these blogs for further context and perspectives:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-stepping-out-of-character.html?m=1

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/looking-for-more-of-myself-day-78.html

http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-44-character-game.html

http://rozelledelangeblog.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-22-me-as-main-character-within.html

http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-kill-buddha-hes-just-character.html

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-life-as-character-overview-day-79.html

http://spiritualjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-45-characters-i-allow-as-self.html

http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-im-nothing-but-character.html

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself to write, through thinking about the writing I will do in the future in allowing myself to participate in thoughts about writing, about who I will be in writing, about how my writing will be received by others and thus how that reception will be reflected back to me and thus see my writings as my stage that I walk onto and put on a play for which others are supposed to clap and cheer me on for being such a good writer or for writing so eloquently or for moving them in their core, while I stand there in the light and breathe in their appraisal and fill myself up with nice warm energies of positive recognition that only last as long as the spotlight is on me, a spotlight that only exist in my mind, in the preparation of writing where I think about what I shall write to invoke a positive response, as ‘who’ I shall write myself as, as the character I assume through my writing, and within the writing itself where I shape my words specifically as scripting the play of “me” where I am the total focus of attention and the writing thus becomes the lines I as the character in the play speaks to create a form of interaction with the audience as those that read and where I experience a rush of positive energy when I, in thoughts, as backchat think about what the title of my writing as my play about me shall be and when I come up with what I perceive as a good or awesome title, project myself into the future of seeing the audience as the readers seeing my title as seeing a title of a play on a poster and immediately think that THIS is a play they would want to watch and thus entice in myself another rush of positive energy in anticipation of the ‘curtain drop’ as when I post my writing and make it public as filling the theater and the audience as the readers are lined up and ready to SEE ME and after I have posted my writing where I wait in anxiety for the reviews of my writing as a play and where I feel disappointed when I see that there is no review as comments on my blog or people who have shared my writing on Facebook or on Twitter and where I feel the rush of positive energy when there is a comment or my blog is being shared on Twitter or Facebook that is equal and one to standing on stage at the end of the play where the heroine actress receives a standing ovation and flowers for her performance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and be ashamed of exposing myself as a character in my writings – where I have used (and as such abused) my writings and the readers for my own self-interest, where I have made my writings and the readers and my physical body as the instrument of my writing characters in my play of getting attention and appraisal and standing ovations – that was all and only existing in my mind as the relationship between thoughts and energetic experiences, but that I used and abused the physical reality, from my fingers to my eyes, to the computer, to the internet and to others as myself to play out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT write as an immediate, direct act of supporting myself where I make the decision to write IN and AS the physical and where I write IN and AS the physical to support myself to expose myself as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as characters that I have created, manifested and participated within and as to always keep myself ‘in character’ in and as separation from and of myself here as the physical – where I have made the physical inferior and less to me as the mind, in using and abusing the physical to serve my interest of and as mind to gain energy as the characters that I have accepted and allowed myself to play myself out as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in my writings, look for “MORE OF ME” through placing my words in ways that would make me APPEAR as MORE to others as characters that serves no other purpose than to be the characters of the audience for the play I am playing out in my mind, where the entire purpose of the play as my writing is for me to experience myself as MORE ME through the appraisal of others that I perceive myself as getting in my mind and that I directly and indirectly enslave and manipulate others to participate within and as, as the read or share or comment on my writings – where I have not shared with them ‘who I am’ as the character that writes and thus deceive them as I deceive myself into participating in my play as my writing, so that when I perceive them as apprising me, I can use and abuse the attention I am getting, to generate a positive energetic experience through which I feel and experience myself as MORE ME or when I do not get attention, instead give myself attention through generating a negative energetic experience, where I experience myself as LESS ME, which is exactly the same because I still generate energy and now simply look for how I can again make myself MORE ME through getting attention

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize and understand that the reason my writings has SUCKED ASS, in spite of me seeing them as oh so eloquent and lengthy and the reason I have not changed since participating in the Journey to LIFE, is because I have made my writings all about ME – about me getting attention from others through my writings, of me BECOMING MORE through my writings – of me presenting myself as MORE through my writings and that I have initiated and directed more or less every writing from a starting-point of thought, where I would think about what to write about and see that this is relevant for me to write out and walk through, but within the very application of writing – I would accept and allow myself to become enthralled with the anticipation of reception – of ‘who’ I would BECOME through the reception of my writing – thus writing in COMPLETE and TOTAL separation of and from myself here and NOT in fact moving myself anyway whatsoever, because I never left or stepped out of my characters and instead used the writings as a stage from where I could promote and further accommodate and validate my characters as I received appraisal from others in my mind and attention in actuality, which I could then interpret and define and use as ‘appraisal’ in my mind

I forgive myself that I, even within this writing here have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts about what to write about where in I will form the words in my mind and as such once again accept and allow myself to participate in writing based on seeing, defining, experiencing, perceiving and accepting myself as a character only – thus accepting and allowing myself to write in separation of and from myself – and as such not in any way write here in and as the physical to support myself to stand up from and out of the mind, but instead to support myself to remain within and as, as a character of and as the mind – writing only to generate energy to fuel myself as the mind and as such write in self-deception and self-honesty and in self-spite, self-abuse as well as spite of all those who write to support themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that within being ashamed of exposing myself as a liar and as such be exposed and therefore being unable to continuing presenting myself as a character that writes, I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within yet another character, the character that is ashamed of being exposed, the character that accepts itself as shame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my writing on me writing myself out as a character, on the memory of another’s writing about themselves as characters and as such create yet another character where I accept and allow myself to present myself as a character based on the character I perceive in and as another as yet another way of writing to gain attention and thus BECOME MORE ME

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a positive energetic reaction of excitement when and as I write a word that I have defined as ‘difficult’ or ‘superior’ or when I write a sentence or write out a point that I have defined a ‘smart’ or ‘superiorly seen’ within and as experiencing perceiving and believing that this word, sentence or point is making my writing as a play BETTER and that it as such will ensure me MORE attention from the readers as the audience and as such ensure that I will experience an positive energetic rush and thus be and become MORE ME through the energetic experience that I generate through the attention I perceive myself as getting from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my own writings through accepting and allowed myself to write in separation of and from myself here in and as physical – through writing FOR SOMEONE/SOMETHING ELSE in and as the desire for a positive energetic rush that I believe that I NEED and REQUIRE to BE and BECOME MORE ME – all because I separated myself from myself in the first place and as such have accepted myself as less than, less than the mind, less than the physical, less than my own idea about myself and about who and what I should and could be – instead of actually and in-fact walk myself out of the mind, breath by breath, point by point and as such stop and delete all characters of separation and that I have manifested myself into and as through my direct acceptance and participation and through and within that stop any and all need and desires to BE and BECOME MORE ME through accepting myself as LESS ME – and as such simply accept myself as HERE

I commit myself to ensure that I write here in the physical and as the physical through not accepting or allowing myself to direct myself through, as and within thoughts, so that when and as I see a thought emerging about what to write about or ‘who’ to write as – I stop and do not allow myself to write based on and within and from this thought and instead direct myself to write in and as breath in making a decision to write here from, in and as the physical

I commit myself to expose and delete all the characters that I have accepted and allowed myself to play throughout my life – that I have accepted as ‘who’ I am and through and within which I have accepted myself to constantly and continuously separate myself from myself and keep myself separate from and as myself within, as and through – so that I at last can stand here in and as the physical with no character to separate myself into or as and simply stand and breathe here as who I am

I commit myself to support all, as myself to expose and delete all characters that we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves into and as and through and within this have accepted and allowed ourselves to support and uphold in ourselves as each other’s and so by supporting each other’s characters, we made sure that we too remained within character and were supported as characters

I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am experiencing a positive or negative energetic experience towards words in writing or towards thoughts about preparing myself to write or as I write or after I have posted my writing – to stop, let go and delete the experience and the thought through which I instigate the experience

I commit myself to support myself through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to get to know myself as all I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and accept myself as in and as the mind, so that I can delete all characters and all ways in and as which I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself – so that I can stop the search for MORE ME as I support myself to realize that I am Here.

Follow the blogs daily at Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk!

Tags: Ego, famous in my own mind, Narcisim, Personalities, what is ego, who I am as a character, who is ego, Writing as a character
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Physical Pain Support (PART 2) Establishing Myself as a Powerhouse: Day 16

May 3, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Today I went to Pilates class after having been absent for a month due to the pain in my hip which I wrote about in Part 1 of the writing out of this point. The instructor assisted me in how to exercise in such a way that I do not compromise the hip – the essential point is to utilize my “powerhouse”. The powerhouse refers to the muscle groups around the abdomen, thighs, lower back, and buttocks that one is to strengthen for stability, flexibility and strength in the body. Until now I had only focused on the stomach muscles and during the last year I have worked extensively with becoming strong in these muscles. I had completely disregarded the buttocks and thigh muscles, resulting in my application in Pilates not being effective at all, I was wavering – because I was not effectively supporting myself through creating an actual powerhouse of support.

The instructor assisted me to feel the difference when using the powerhouse and suggested that I focus on “being in the body” and “feeling the body” and I realized that I have been entirely disregarding these points – why? Because I have allowed myself to participate from a starting-point of 1) a desire to lose weight and prove to myself that I can be strong and effective – thus inner competition and comparison to an ideal image of myself in my mind and 2) competition with the other participants in the Pilates class.

So I could see, how I through this new application of support, can actually support the hip because I did not experience instability at all nor pain in the hip while I was doing the exercises. I have to however slow down and do the exercises very carefully, which means that I cannot immediately go back to the more advanced exercises. This is interesting because I have push myself too hard in becoming strong that I have actually weakened myself and now have to start over with building myself up from the beginning. I could literally see how I could “come together” with the various muscle groups to form a “band of support” around the now fragile hip. And all of this can be related directly back to myself.

So the ‘powerhouse’ is myself as walking process effectively and directively where I am here as the body, supporting myself through awareness and specificity in terms of where to place stability to support “weakened” and compromised points – that is what I have compromised for competition through comparison, in not remaining here and focusing on supporting myself to walk out of the mind and into the physical. Instead I have focused on strengthening myself in only a part of myself, thus compromising other parts because I disregarded what was actually required: patience, perfection, specificity. That is the “powerhouse” that I can create myself into and as. If one part is disregarded or compromised, the entire house falls. If one part is over-exercised, the entire house falls. Only by establishing equilibrium in fact, is it possible to create a stable foundation for oneself to live in and as. And this is done through meticulously making sure that all points are directed by self. I Pilates it is: “do I have my stomach, my lower back, my bum, and my thighs in place? Are my shoulders relaxed? Are my feet flexed? When is it too much?” It is no different in the general process of walking myself out of the mind: “Am I breathing? How do I experience myself? What is this experience? How did I create it? What would be effective support at the moment?”

So the powerhouse is the directive living of being aware of how to provide stable and consistent support for oneself, wherein and from which one can challenge oneself to get stronger, while supporting parts that are still too weak to carry themselves. And what is furthermore interesting is that while I was doing these exercises, I experienced intense pain in these new parts of my body that I had not focused on before – exactly as when we walk a new point that requires training and consistent implementation before we become effective and natural in our application. This requires patience. It was the same when I started exercising my stomach muscles – in the beginning I did not even think it was possible for me to strengthen them, but as I continued applying myself I became stronger. Now that foundation is in place and even though I have not exercised for a month, the strength is still here as well as the ability to direct myself within it, because I have established a point of consistent application where I simply “do it”. I have gotten to know myself as the stomach muscles – not completely or entirely in all dimensions – but within one initial dimension and as such established the beginning of an intimate relation with myself as the stomach muscles, suddenly feeling parts of myself that I had never experienced “awareness” within or about before. Now I simply got to do the same with the other muscle groups – though within a changed starting-point – and as such within and as the entirety of myself.

I can see how I have compromised –and never in fact lived – actual strength, because my strength have been based on building up energy and forcing it out of and as me into physical application and then crashing when the energy dropped. And I have been addicted to this energetic experience, refused to let it go even – because it felt so good to feel strong. But I was not strong in fact. And in order for me to become strong in fact, I require starting from the beginning – none the least with the self-honest realization of my “weakness” and resistance to change and tendency to self-compromise and competition – all the elements through which I can potentially harm myself if I do not act with care and consideration for the totality of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I can only walk effectively if I walk joined in the process of directing myself to walk out of the mind between the parts of myself that I have separated myself from, into and as but that is not separate in fact – so within walking in a “joined effort” I recognize in self-honesty the truth about who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in and as separation of and from myself and at the same time that I do not accept that I am separate in fact and as such establish a point of “joining together” in bringing all parts of myself here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that if one part of my body or myself is compromised, then the rest is suffering – exactly as the suffering of one human being or part, is both compromising and harming the whole and at the same time, the whole is responsible for the suffering of that one part and can by standing in a joined effort take responsibility for that one point and support it until it is strong enough to stand and live effectively.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize how I have allowed the body to carry the weight of the mind as dead-weight of delusion in which I have allowed myself to exist in a constant suffocation of myself as life only allowing myself a bare minimum of breath and space in and as myself to make sure that I do not realize myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize the cruelty with and within which I have enslaved myself to exist in and as the only point of self-emancipation as the human physical body, yet enslaved to the delusion that the body is in the way of the mind and that it is the mind that is enslaved to the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an artificial form of equilibrium, balance, stability and balance that is based on the constant “balancing” of energetic polarities where there is no real stability, balance or equilibrium in fact and where I instead exist in a constant war with these polarized parts of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to develop and establish actual stability within and in and as having separated myself from stability and as such not recognizing or accepting myself as stability because I have only accepted and recognized stability based on the balancing of energetic polarities.

I forgive myself that I, within and as existing in and as this artificial equilibrium that I have created for and within myself, have accepted and allowed myself to have to constantly maintain a balance between energetic polarities, that because it is not a real balance – which would be constant – must constantly be adjusted and through which I allow myself to abuse the body and suck the life-force out of it so that I can “spend” energy on “holding myself together”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive, experience and accept myself as the “lax” “sinner” and try to become and live up to the “saint” as a stipulate that has been created by someone else, outside separate from me. “If you do not become a good girl, you cannot participate” – when in fact all this is, is a polarity manifestation of an energetic relationship that can only exist within and as a constant friction and fighting.

I forgive myself that I, within pushing myself to become strong, have accepted and allowed myself to weaken myself because I have pushed myself through, within an as energy and in fact have abused myself and the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise actual strength and stability through accepting and allowing myself to participate in competition and comparison in not remaining here and focusing on supporting myself to walk out of the mind and into the physical.

I forgive myself that I Instead have accepted and allowed myself to focus on strengthening myself in only a part of myself, as ego, energy, self-interest and ideals of and as myself, thus compromising all other parts, as the whole of myself because I disregarded what was actually required: patience, perfection, specificity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise the totality of myself, through preoccupying myself in one-dimensional mind-realities of self-interest, fear, competition and ego and as such disregard all of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to create myself into and as a powerhouse of self-support where I through, within and as the strong parts of myself where I have already established effectiveness support the parts of myself that are still weak to become strong and as such create a joined point of self-support where all parts support the bringing all parts of and as myself together in and as walking out of the mind and into the physical

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that for me to establish a new starting-point as a powerhouse as a foundation of effective walking, I require training myself in and as patience in a consistent and constant implementation and application of the new until it is established as a natural point of self-expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and never in fact live actual strength, because my strength have been based on building up energy and forcing it out of and as me into physical application and then crashing when the energy dropped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become addicted to this energetic experience of apparent strength and stability and as such have refused to let it go even – because it felt so good to feel strong – instead of actually pushing myself to establish an actual point of stability and strength and patiently apply myself in training this point until it is implemented as a natural expression of and as myself

I commit myself to establish myself into and as a powerhouse of self-support where I join in to support myself to develop and establish myself in and as strength and stability as an expression of who I am as self-support

I commit myself to stop all energetic polarities and all forms of expression and application of and as myself that is based on energy and instead establish actual consistent equal application through patient training and directive establishment

I commit myself to strengthen and stabilize myself in my application of and development of myself as a powerhouse, as a coming together of and as all parts of myself that I have separated myself into and as, until I have brought all parts of myself together and I stand as one and equal with all that is here as myself

I commit myself to stop dependency on energy for me to move, express and live here – and to instead support myself to develop actual real strength and stability as an expression of myself

I commit myself to support myself to develop a physical powerhouse in, of and as this human physical body that I live with, within and as through strengthening all parts of myself, becoming aware of all parts of myself as the physical and bringing myself here in and as the human physical body

I commit myself to establish a point of self-support as a powerhouse where I begin the establishment of a stable foundation from where I can re-create myself as sound, whole expression of what is best for all – and to do that remove the rubble of ruins as the ivory-towers of delusion that I have attempted to build myself up into and as, so that I can create a foundation of certainty and self-trust from where I can walk and stand for eternity

Visit us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk.

Tags: Body as Powerhouse, Commitment, Desteni, Ego, Energy, exercise, Hip, Patience, Pilates, Powerhouse, Strength
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Bringing New Jersey Back to Self

April 11, 2012 in World Exposed Blog

One of the most important points I have learned from walking with Desteni is what we call: “Bring it back to Self“. It took a long time before I could actually understand what it meant, in practicality and not as an idea in my head. It was only when I started walking an Agreement with another human being that I could see what this point implied in actuality. I kept experiencing that there was something wrong with my partner, that my partner should change this or that behavior. But no matter what I did, I kept having these experiences. And I felt like I was a slave to him, to his mood, his decisions and so I wanted him to change, so that my experience of myself could change. I believed that my experiences could only change, if he changed. I did not even see them as “my experiences” – all I saw was what he was “doing to me”. At a certain point it got so extensive and I could not stand living with myself this way. I started noticing a peculiar correlation: whenever I would get angry at my partner, at the cats, at my physical reality, there was a starting-point of being angry at myself. Through participating in the Desteni I Process I could then start identifying what exactly it was I was doing when I got angry at my partner – that really I was angry at myself.

So I started learning what it in-fact means to “Bring it back to Self.”

What it means, is that when we are looking at other people and at the world, what we see is not the actual physical reality as it exists equally for everyone. What we see, is through our mind, a reflection of ourselves. We do this because we have separated ourselves from ourselves Here and that which we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist in and as – and so we project that separate part out onto the world (because it still is here and we got to do something with it so that we can separate ourselves from it and not take self-responsibility) – and so we come to believe that what we see, when we see the world, is how the world really is. Now – it is tricky, because the world outside of us, is reflecting us as who we are in our minds – so what we are seeing when we look at the world is ourselves. Now, this could be any point; it could be something my partner does and I react to or even a word or a sound or a place. So for example let’s say that every time we go to New Jersey, we get this negative experience and when we think about New Jersey, we hate it because it is so negative. Now in that seeing of New Jersey and seeing that it is negative, there might be some form of truth in that, for whatever reason in how that society is constructed and how the people there live in a certain relationship with themselves and other neighborhoods – however – that is not at all relevant here. Because what is relevant is that we are reacting to it. We are taking it personally – We are not seeing New Jersey (as an example) for what it really is because: what we are essentially seeing is ourselves – as how we are living and accepting yourself.

So as we look at other people, fear their judgments or see them as strong and capable, we are actually showing yourself ‘parts’ of ourselves that we have separated ourselves into and as. And as such in this reflection, we have an opportunity (and a responsibility) to bring those ‘parts’ back to ourselves – so that we can direct yourself as those ‘parts’ and direct how we will live, in seeing in self-honesty whether they are in fact best for all. From there – as we start clearing ourselves, we can start seeing for example why ‘New Jersey’ exist the way it does – but there is no longer a reaction to it, we are not longer taking it personally – and as such, we can in fact start standing equal to ‘New Jersey’ as yourself as we start seeing that exactly as it exists in ‘New Jersey’, it exists equally within and as us.

So – New Jersey is not ‘negative’. It is simply a place on this Earth where people live. That is the initial starting-point. That is common sense. What is here is physical. The entire fuck-up is what happens in and through our minds. From there we can then look at what positive/negative charges e have associated with that place/person/point and bring that back to ourselves in asking: How am I living this? So actually we can replace the word ‘ New Jersey’ with “myself” and see what emerges: “I hate myself because I am so negative.” – for example.

Now, what is interesting here is that hating and being negative is exactly the same. Hate IS negative. Hate is not a common sense, self-supportive best for all application. So in our ‘hate’ towards New Jersey, we were doing exactly that which we saw in and as ‘New Jersey‘: We were being negative. And essentially all such points reflect back to us, the relationship we live and exist within, towards ourselves. And from seeing this, we can start bringing ourselves ‘together’ in a starting-point of self-support, realizing: there is no point in being negative or hating myself for being negative. I am not supporting myself to stop being negative by hating myself. I am not supporting myself to stop experience of myself by projecting it onto some city or person outside of me. I direct myself to stop this projection and take self-responsibility.

And once we take that self-directive responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed: change is possible. Then we can in fact direct ourselves to stop living in ways that are abusive and start living self-support – to treat ourselves as we would want others to treat us – and to treat others (and the world) as we would want to be treated.

So bringing it back to self is the only way to change our experiences of and as ourselves as we move about in this world. It is real ‘power’ from the perspective that, since we created it we can stop it – but first we got to get to understand ourselves in self-honesty and see how we have created ourselves in the first place – and see that we are self-responsible for who and what we accept and allow ourselves to be and become.

Suggested listening and reading for extended perspectives:

It’s always all about Self

You are Me in Another Life

Bring it Back to Self

Tags: Blame, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Ego, Mind Construct, New Jersey, Personality, Projecting, Projections, Reflection, Self-Responsibility
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Changing my Relationships with my Family starts with Myself

April 8, 2012 in Anna's Process Blog

This Easter weekend I gave myself the opportunity to go and see my family for the first time, more or less since before I started participating with Desteni. For years, I have refused to attend family junctions, primarily because of the relationship I have created towards my sister. When I did attend, I would judge my family and when I started participating with Desteni, I feared being contaminated by what I perceived as my family’s fakeness and judgments. Now, I have recently walked a Mind-Construct in the Desteni I Process on my sister, where I walked through my entire life in relationship with my sister, a point that has been emotionally painful for years and in which I had projected extensive blame towards my sister. As I walked through my relationship with my sister, I realized that I was responsible for how I experienced myself in relation to my sister and that I fact had based that relationship on a fake memory from when I was a child, one single memory that I had separated myself from my sister through and within, as I separated myself from myself. Now, the specific reason why I decided to go to this family junction this weekend, was to test my relationship with my sister and see if I had in fact changed – now it was not necessary to actually physically face my sister as the point was not really about her, in the physical, but about the relationship I had created in my mind, actually towards points of and as myself that I had separated myself from and as such projected onto my sister. Yet I had decided when I finished the mind-construct, that if the opportunity emerged for me to meet my sister again, I would embrace it and walk through the resistance and fear I had created towards my experience of myself when I was with my sister.

The primary points I noticed as I met my sister was how comfortable I was being with her and also her children and husband, after years of having been nervous, tense and judgmental and fearful towards them as a whole. But what I started seeing which was even more interesting, was how they were suddenly comfortable being around me. I started noticing how much fear there was in the room and how everyone came with a tense anticipation of being judged and having to compete through knowledge, as I have done equally with them and within myself for years. I experienced it as though they finally felt that they could breathe around me, that they could speak with me. And I realized how extensive my judgment towards them and rejection towards them had been. In all these years where I have been completely preoccupied in my mind with defending myself and seeing myself as a victim of their judgments, I have been the one that has rejected them, judged them, not allowed myself to communicate or be with them. I did not even see them or their experiences within attending these family junctions because I was completely consumed with my own fear. Now i could laugh and relax and not have to participate in the discussions and compete for the knowledge. And when I noticed that I was again judging them for the competition of knowledge, I simply stopped myself. I wanted to run away, but I pushed myself to remain sitting, breathing, looking at them and understanding the situation from their perspective.

What was fascinating about my big “show down” where I was preparing myself to “not react” and to show myself that I had indeed changed, was that a point of intimacy opened up. A point opened up, where I could see that they had experienced themselves being rejected by me and that finally they could be comfortable with me again.

A moment ago I listened to this interview by Bernard, where he says that the people that really always were there for you, but that you did not notice, will “come back” when they see you have changed. That these are the people that were the real point of support. And I am surprised to see that this is in fact my sister, her husband and children. I am surprised because I have rejected them for so many years, believing that I must push them away to “preserve” my own apparent “pureness” instead of realizing that it was me who judged them, me who judged myself, me who created my relationship towards them based on taking points personally and based on fear. So they would not have been able to “come to me” at all, because I was in complete denial of my own responsibility of having created these relationships towards them, with secret fears and desires, that I was hiding myself within and as behind a spiritual self-righteousness – I was hiding fear behind fear.

It is a circle that is complete from the perspective that I have now brought it back to myself. More points emerged that I have been working with through writings and self-forgiveness, in clearly seeing that whatever I experience, it is myself and my self-creation – but this specific point towards my sister was very cool to face and see that it is possible to change – and when changing me and my relationships towards the world, new moments of opportunity arises where these relationships can transform into real living agreements. AND this is only the beginning, a thread that has been untangled or a piece of string on a thread (as the family-system) that has been untangled and through which those participating and having lived submitted to these relationships, can breathe and look each other in the eyes, here in the physical and decide how to live and interact in a way that is in fact Best for All.

There is not a moment to lose or a time to waste. If I can walk through the mess that I have created in my relationship towards my sister, where I have built my entire view of my sister and myself in relation to her upon a fake memory that I created to protect myself as ego – as a child none the less! – then anyone can. It is actually possible to release ourselves from the relationships we have created in our minds towards other people, our families, the system and ourselves – and start living here, in Agreements of what is Best for All Life. Investigate the Desteni I Process and see for yourself how it is possible.

Tags: Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Ego, Family, Family Relationships, Mind, Mind Construct, My sister, Relationship with my sister, relationships, Self Forgivenes
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Fear of making mistakes – Self-Forgiveness and Realizations

April 7, 2012 in Anna's Process Blog

In this Self-Forgiveness I walk through the point of the fear of making a mistake and the fear I have experienced in being corrected/directed by another when having made a mistake. Through walking this writing, I realized a secret mind point of seeing what it exactly was I feared making a mistake – which in fact was in reverse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and go into and as an experience of anxiety and nervousness when a point is being directed towards me in which I am directed to correct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my reaction of nervousness and anxiety of being directed by another to change/correct myself on memories of having been yelled at and corrected in perceiving myself as having done something wrong

I forgive myself that I, when my grandmother yelled at me when I played with her radio after she had told me not to, accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and go into an as an experience of shock, anxiety and nervousness and that I from that created an automated reaction, so that whenever another corrects me, I experience anxiety and nervousness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have done something wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept myself as wrong when I perceive myself as having done something wrong in making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing something wrong, means that I am wrong

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be directed/corrected by another, without accessing an experience of anxiety and nervousness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that doing something wrong, does not mean that I, in my beingness am wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as and create and manifest an energetic experience , when being corrected by another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to correct others based on my belief that it is wrong to make mistakes and that making mistakes is wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others when one makes a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is unacceptable to make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I make a mistake and do something wrong that I will be rejected excluded and exposed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am supposed to live and exist without making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having my self-image of being capable, responsible and good scattered through being exposed by another for/as/within making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that every mistake can possibly be my last

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that all mistakes can possibly be the end of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make a mistake and if another exposes my mistake and corrects me, it means that I am not good enough, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that mistakes exist for me to correct myself and be grateful for the support of another in assisting me and supporting me to see where I have made a mistake so that I can simply correct myself accordingly

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that mistakes are not personal and as such not to be taken personally as that is seeing the mistake and myself in it in a separate relationship to and with myself as ego, where I from morality value and evaluate myself as either good or bad, right and wrong instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that mistakes are practical, physical events that are unaligned to what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that a mistake is a practical miss-take, where I have missed what was required to be done, because I was not effectively Here in seeing all points and what is best for all and that as such the making of mistakes is me assisting myself in seeing where I require to correct and align myself to what is best for al

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist submitted, subjected and enslaved to fear of making mistakes

I forgive myself that I, in having accepted and allowed myself to exist submitted, subjected and enslaved to fear of making mistakes, have believed that I could avoid making mistakes and as such avoid experiencing the fear and as such avoid the consequences of making mistakes as I fear to be rejected, excluded and exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can and must control myself so as to not make mistakes and prevent myself from making mistakes, when in fact what I attempt controlling is preventing myself from feeling the experience of fear of making mistake and the consequential judgment of myself when I do make a mistake

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can and must control others from making mistakes, in the belief and judgment that it is wrong, bad and unacceptable to make mistakes, when in fact what I have attempted to control is avoiding my own fear and judgment of making mistakes and the consequential judgment of myself when making mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through, within and as fear of making mistakes, in not allowing myself to direct myself and deliberately not act to prevent myself from experiencing fear of making mistakes and the consequential judgment of myself when making a mistake

I forgive myself that I have created, manifested and participated in and as a belief and judgment that it is wrong, bad and unacceptable to make mistakes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my fear of making mistakes and the subsequent experience of feeling bad on memories of my experience of myself in the past where I made a mistake and someone corrected me.

SELF-CORRECTION

Re-definition “Mistake”

Current allocation/understanding of the word mistake. I experience an instant energetic reaction to the word “mistake” – I experience it as a “jump” within me in and as an experience of anxiety, like “oh no”. I can see in my participation in my own mistakes and others that I largely experience that mistakes are “unacceptable” – obviously “unacceptable” in others because I have accepted it as “unacceptable” for me to make mistakes. I have defined a mistake as doing something wrong in a judgment of myself and in an energetic experience of anxiety when it is pointed out to me that I have made a mistake. I connect making a mistake to having done something wrong and being “caught”.

Dictionary definition:

mistake

n noun something which is not correct; an inaccuracy. Øan act or judgement that is misguided or wrong.

n verb (past mistook; past participle mistaken) be wrong about. Ø(mistake someone/thing for) wrongly identify someone or something as.

DERIVATIVES

mistakable (also mistakeable) adjective

mistakably (also mistakeably) adverb

ORIGIN

Middle English (as verb): from Old Norse mistaka ‘take in error’, probably influenced in sense by Old French mesprendre.

Sounding:

MISSED-TAKE

MY-STAKE

Realizations:

It is interesting that making a mistake can both be an action and a judgment call that is “misguided” and “wrong”. I can definitely also see that there within my relationship with the word mistake is an energetic reaction of judgment + anxiety towards the word “wrong” – so the “mistake” is the manifestation/exposure of the wrong. Thus there is an innate acceptance of myself as “wrong” and fearing to be exposed/caught as “wrong”. That is what is at “stake” – me being exposed as being “wrong” or “bad”. I experience myself in that context as waiting for that moment of making a mistake through which I will exposed – it is thus also why the experience of “getting caught” as in corrected by another is what scares me the most. So what it also means is that my trust and confidence in myself is unstable as I experience it can be exposed at any moment. I have experienced that being “good” and “right” is something unnatural for me that I strategically have learned and taught myself in order to function effectively in society – I have furthermore taken this point personally instead of seeing that there is no such thing as “right” and in believing there was and in not seeing myself as such, I have allowed myself to believe and accept myself as “wrong”. I have even perfected this to the point of being able to live most of the time in this self-constructed “rightness – LOL – I wrote “rightmess” - because that is what it is: the mess inside me of constantly having to fight myself to be “right” – learn the rules, play by the rules, do what others expect of me. I realize now that this is not personally and that many people must have experienced this in one way or another or at least recognizing the deliberate act of strategically molding oneself to fit in, while doing it based on a self-dishonesty. So it is my self-dishonesty I have feared being exposed within – because behind the self-dishonesty, is a being that has no moral. I am a being without moral – why? Because morality does not exist. Morality is a hoax. So – a missed-take is a moment where I did not effectively guard myself to act in secrecy as “who I really am” and thus risk getting caught and exposed. Another point is that there are also other types of mistakes, like knocking something down from a table. I have experienced the same reaction towards such a point, though here it is not about protecting my secret self, but about defining myself through judgment and morality as supposed to “move gracefully” for instance – and since spirituality and Desteni for example, supposed to move a certain way in the world that is not of harm for others and thus myself. So if I knock something off the table, I have acted carelessly and clumsy (and being in the mind) all of which is true. Because if I am here, constant, stable, considering all, I do not knock anything down. However – it is not a judgment point. So that is what I require purifying: the judgment and personal relationship towards making the mistake. What I can also see happens through this, is that I do not in fact see or correct the actual point, that I for example was participating in the mind and thus knocked a glass of the table – because all I am experiencing is judgment towards myself and fear as being exposed. This also mean that I have created an ideal-self and an expectation of myself to act in a certain way based on judgment, morality and ego. Ego in this case, is thus the “successful” manifestation of myself as a single personality that is able to function in society, be nice and caring and considering to others and that I have not wanted to let go of, because I have invested years in creating and perfecting this personality and because I fear losing my footing in society when/if I let it go. I “need” it – because without it, I am moral-less, a savage. So that is the “real me” that I have feared facing through the act of making a mistake and in the correction of others. So once again it is about survival, but it is about survival from the perspective of having to maintain a certain personality at all times that at any moment can crack and I will be exposed.

I redefine a “mistake” as a missed moment – within the consequential outflow as indicated in practical reality of a point being unaligned (the glass falling and breaking) through which I can see that I am mis-aligned and require re-aligning myself. Mistakes happen – yet I am responsible for the mistake. It is acceptable to make a mistake, because that moment/point was already unaligned which is why the mistake happen. What is thus not acceptable is to not correct/direct the mistake.

A mistake is the manifested consequence of a missed moment – In making a mistake I give myself the gift of seeing that a point within and as me is unaligned and the opportunity to correct and align myself to what is best for all.

Mistakes are manifested when I act or make a judgment call without taking all and everything into consideration. Through the manifestation of the mistake, I can thus bring the point back to myself and see what specific point I did not take into consideration and as such which point I separated myself from, within and as.

I realize that it is impossible to not make mistakes and that if I cannot accept the fact that mistakes are made, by myself or others, I cannot effectively direct myself to see what the background for the mistake is and thus correct it. By judging myself for making mistakes, I am allowing myself to continue to make mistakes because I am pushing myself, as the mistake away, saying “I want nothing to do with you.” – While in fact the mistake is a signal to myself that a point requires my immediate attention, because the mistake is a manifested consequence of a point being unaligned.

When and as I see that I have made a mistake, I stop, I breathe. I accept the fact that I have made the mistake and I look at the point the mistake is indicating that is unaligned – where I have not considered all and everything in that moment.

Tags: Desteni, Desteni 2012, Destonians, Ego, Equal Money System, Evil people, Fear of making a mistake, Keeping secrets, psychology, Secret Mind, self realizations
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