For Better or Worse: DAY 199

April 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

The reason why I started writing about relationships and making videos about relationships was because of the vast amount of points that I saw coming up in my own relationship – in particular all the characters and personalities and reactions creeping out from any nook and cranny in my mind. In many ways it is like becoming a monster or realizing that one had been occupied by an alien invasion because having gone from being a seemingly ‘civilized’ person, suddenly one is displaying one dysfunctional feature after another. And obviously we learn all of this at home, through seeing our parents and how they interact as well as seeing adults in general interrelate not to mention how we ‘perfect’ the insanity while growing up.

In most of the relationships that I’ve had so far I simply walked out when the insanity started peeking out and I never ever stayed and try to salvage the relationship. I simply switched off the ‘love button’ and happily moved onto to another adventure in the hopes that this new partner would be comprised of such a chemical composition of personality and temper that simply being with them would immediately cure any insanity or ‘hole’ I had within me. I literally believed that my only problem was simply not finding the ‘right one’ and that once I did, I would magically turn into the perfect woman – simply by being in my partner’s presence. Obviously that never worked out and I blamed my partners.

So now I am here in a relationship that is by no means perfect and I am acutely aware that I am responsible for any imperfections that my relationship may endure, because the relationship consist of me and my partner and I’m bringing everything I’ve ever been into this partnership and I am asking the partnership to deal with my insanity – because when you live with someone day in and day out for several years, at some point you just can’t keep the floodgates shut anymore and the ‘real you’ starts seeping through. And this is what has happened to me. I’ve quite successfully managed to hide myself in all my relationships – including friendships and to some extent family relationships. Because I could always just leave and move and go home to myself and be alone. Now I can’t do that anymore.

And when it is suggested by Desteni to prepare oneself absolutely before entering into an agreement – it is no joke. I wasn’t prepared – and it was not so much not being prepared to live with another or to even be faced with another’s ‘demons’. It was my own demons that I wasn’t prepared for, the demons that oddly enough only come out in relationships – even in my life alone with myself they didn’t come out. Because I had made myself ‘civilized’ and ‘functional’ through suppressing all sides of myself that I did not consider ‘good’. Or I would simply go home and hide under the covers.

To clarify: the ‘bad’ I am talking about here is for example all the little tricks we learn in relationships, emotional blackmail, self-pity, seduction, sweet-talking, blame, projection, judgment, sarcasm, parenting, policing, victimization, dependency, co-dependency, self-sabotage, addiction, justifications, lying, cheating ….. you name it. And each person has their own spin on these relationship ‘games’ that we’ve learned, each person has created their own approach to surviving in relationships with other human beings.

The difference is that I am walking this relationship as a Destonian and my partner happens to be a Destonian. As such we are walking an Agreement. The agreement is that we will walk together in sorting ourselves out. It is in no way romantic or beautiful or necessarily harmonic – and why not? Because I am not. In the context of this discussion it also doesn’t matter whether my partner is walking with Desteni or not, because I would have been confronted with my own demons either way – simply by being together with someone for that long.

The point that I am facing is that I wasn’t prepared when I entered into this relationship. As such I hadn’t established a stable foundation of walking my own process before expanding myself to walk with another and face what may come through that. A lot of things have developed already and I’ve perfected myself through walking with a partner, however the relationship ‘demon’ still rears its head – and it has many, many heads. Like I said, even in being alone I had kept these parts of myself hidden from myself through creating some fake form of civilization. Many people can probably relate to how otherwise these ‘demons’ only come out in what would appear as random moments, in traffic or when dealing with bureaucracy over the phone. It doesn’t happen very often – but in a relationship it does, because it is like one’s buttons are constantly being pushed.

So I will continue walking this process in these blogs and in the videos and I will continue focusing on the most prominent ‘demonic’ relationship experiences that I see is prohibiting me from actually embracing myself and embracing an agreement with another. I mean, I am starting here from scratch. Everything I know about being in a relationship are things that serves no purpose in a living agreement where two beings come together to support one another to become one’s full potential.

The whole point of being in a relationship was from the beginning that I thought that the other person was supposed to be like an anti-dote to the venom I believed to have inside me – but what I am realizing is that it is more like the relationship is showing me that I need to be my own anti-dote. Oddly enough the relationship is showing me that I can’t run from myself or escape the consequences of whom and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become. It is giving me the opportunity to face all parts of myself and first and foremost those parts that are not best for all life – so that I can in fact change myself and become a human being that I would want to live with and as, for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to face myself through an agreement with another and I would not trade the shitstorm of facing my own demons with the dull life of deception in blissful self-containment and suppression. At least the shit is in my face. That means that I can deal with it, wipe myself clean and actually give myself a fresh start.

Redefine your relationship course for the serious student. Check it out here.

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* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
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Tags: Demon, Desteni, Family, Forgiveness, Human, Intimate relationship, marriage counsling, marriage problems, relationship, relationship advice, Relationship problems
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Relationship Series Introduction – Feeling Awkward around Boys: DAY 176

February 26, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

I am here starting a new series of blogs specifically pertaining to relationships that I will be walking simultaneously with a video series on Youtube. You can find all my videos on the series on my NEW channel here.

Now by relationships in this context, I will be focusing on so called ’romantic’ relationships, meaning relationships where two partners come intimately together. It is thus not friendships or family relationships or any other form of relationships that I will be walking.

The reason for why I will be writing about relationships is because this is a point that takes precedence in my daily life and it is a point that has taken precedence in my life as a whole from when I was a small child. It is also one of the primary points where I experience myself becoming unstable and since being in a relationship for the last 2-3 years, I experience daily the entanglement that I’ve wrapped myself into of relationship characters and personalities. So in this blogs series I will be walking any and all dimensions of relationships with an offset in my daily experiences with my partner and the processes that I go through.

The particular point that I will be walking in this and the coming blogs is a specific character that I step into when in company of boys of awkwardness and uncomfortability. It is an ’Awkward around Boys’ character.

So what’s the problem?

In my current life experience the ’problem’ or consequence that manifests through me participating in this ’Awkward around boys’ character is that I feel uncomfortable around my partner. It feels like all of the sudden I become very insecure and I don’t know what to say and I fear that everything I say will sound stupid. And a sort of disconnection happens in the moment where I can’t effectively speak with my partner or even simply be with him or myself because I’ve stepped into this uncomfortability. There is no reason for it, my partner has not done or said anything. It is simply my mind that is equating the configurations of ’boy’ with certain other points of configurations that I’ve not yet identified but that could be something like how he stands or how I stand or a specific word or sounding of a word. Through this combination of factors I’ve agreed with myself subconsciously to step into the ’Awkward around boys’ character. What has also happened as I’ve automatically stepped into this character is that I basically ’lose’ confidence in myself. It is like I become a completely different person who simply waits for the other part to act or do something. It is literally like being transported back in time inside my body back to when I was a child.

What’s the story?

From when I was around 10 to 12 when I started increasing my interest in boys and subconsciously wanted to initiate the ’mating process’ I also started becoming very awkward and uncomfortable around boys. But I remember even when I was in kindergarten as a 4 – 5 year old I was obsessed with boys. I had already picked two boys in my kindergarten that I wanted to be girlfriend to. But at that time I did not feel as awkward as I did when I got older. So a specific point I’ve seen is that what happened is that I reacted to my own reaction. So when I reacted, I reflected upon and looked at my reaction within myself and sort of echoed inside myself: ”shit, is this who I am? Man, what a loser”. So I basically interpreted my own experience of uncomfortability around boys through self-judgment and then I defined myself according to this self-judgment. I can also see that a particular reason to why I reacted the way I did was because of the dynamic I experienced between myself and the boys I liked. Often it was someone’s older brother, who obviously showed no interest in me as I was just a little kid. So I had very much an experience of desperately chasing these boys with big puppy eyes and them being very cool and aloof. And so I interpreted this as them being superior because I was the one chasing them and they were more held back. I can see how I created this particular entity of feeling awkward around boys through reacting to my own reactions and interpretations of situations and body movements.

I can see how this awkwardness is quite a branch-out from the general ways I’ve participated in gender roles between males and females because I’ve defined boys in general as more than me. It is interesting really, because I can see how I interpreted it erroneously: When I was a small child and growing up I had an immense interest in and desire for boys, to touch them and be with them. I was fascinated by them. I found them beautiful. Lol. And so I was through this desire propelled towards boys in an energetic experience. And it is the combination of this energetic experience of throwing myself forward and the boys NOT throwing themselves forward through which I’ve created this awkwardness. Why? Because I took the entire point personally. Instead of simply enjoying my enjoyment of boys, I placed value into whether they saw and experienced me the same way and defined myself according to my interpretation of that. And this has been a lifelong pattern. Also, I have no idea why the hundreds of boys throughout my life has been held back, perhaps they were dead-scared of my storming towards them, perhaps they did not even know that I was interested in them. Who knows? But the fact of the matter is that I created a dimension of my relationship to boys based on this misinterpretation. So it is actually quite simple. It is fascinating because I’ve found through investigating how I created beliefs and ideas in my life that most of them are based on me having misinterpreted a situation to the point of having almost fatal consequences because I’ve build the rest of my life on it. This goes to show how important and vital the tool of writing is to sort ourselves out.

So is there a Solution?

Yes, there is a solution. The solution is for me to run an anti-virus program on my brain, correcting the specific malfunction/bug/error that is this misinterpretation of my dynamic with boys. I do that through self-forgiveness. Self-forgiveness is like removing the virus through scanning the entire computer. Self-Corrective statements of application is then the reinstallation of a new program that is functional and up to date. So that is what I will be walking in my next blog post.

What will I get out of it?

Before making the video on this point and writing out this blog-post, I did not see it, but I realize now that the starting-point of this entire point of awkwardness is actually self-enjoyment. So I took my own self-enjoyment and firstly interpreted it as energy, I made it into an energetic experience and I took it personally. I also then interpreted it in context to the interaction between myself and the boys in my environment and in that took it personally. It was from there I developed the awkwardness. So what I can gain from letting go of and stepping out of this awkwardness is self-enjoyment. Now again obviously this is merely a dimension of multiple points and so I am not here speaking about self-enjoyment as general expression but as a specific form of self-enjoyment and expression that for me is connected to enjoying other beings physicality, similar to how I enjoy looking at my cats stretching or seeing their soft fur. It is also connected to a self-movement towards another being or manifestation, meaning it could also be moving towards a tree – that expression of joy of being with the other, that’s what I can regain by letting go of this awkwardness. Because then I can enjoy another being for myself, within myself and not as something that is conditioned to how they respond to me or how I interpret their response. Because that’s what I’ve done and I’ve corrupted this point of self-enjoyment to where now I don’t even experience or express self-enjoyment because all that is left is fear, inferiority and feeling awkward. So yes – will be very cool to walk through this point. Definitely stay tuned.

In my next blog post I will continue with scripting the solution for myself through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

Thanks! Artwork, the last piece is by Marlen Vargas Del Razo. You can connect with her here.

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* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
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* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

HereDeixis – In linguistics, deixis refers to the phenomenon wherein understanding the meaning of certain words and phrases in an utterance requires contextual information. →

Tags: Agreement Course, boy/girl, Desteni, fear of boys, Feeling awkward around boys, getting a boyfriend, I don't get boys, my boyfriend, relationship advice, social anxiety, Social anxiety disorder, teen advice
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Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

February 17, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog I am writing out the final self-forgiveness statements on the series about the mind-movement character and in the following blogs I will write out the final self-corrective statements. Subsequently I will begin a new series about relationships. So stay tuned.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Memory – The 2 minute key chain

I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as I was asked by a kindergarten teacher to sit down and make a key chain, to experience this as a punishment and that I had to sit down because they did not like me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I even heard that I had to sit down, to experience anxiety and discomfort within and as myself and an experience of physical irritation as feeling jittery when I saw my friends moving about and I experienced fear of missing out which was actually me resisting being here with and within my own physical body in stillness and silence as that which I was ‘running’ from as I had decided to stay in constant ‘movement’.

Memory – Quiet time for Mom

then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as my mom told me to be quiet to take it personally and react as though I was bad and not good enough because of my ‘lively’ expression – which was actually a cover up for the fact that I feared being silent, being still because I knew that within and as silence and stillness I would face myself as the darkness of my human physical body and that was what I was running away from

Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence

As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards laying in bed at night in silence and darkness because that darkness and silence reminded me of that first reaction to the darkness and silence of being inside my physical body and how I reacted to the fact that I could not move myself out of my body or away from the reactions I was experiencing – which ultimately is what brought me to fantasizing at night before I went to sleep, creating an incubator for backchat

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be petrified of being alone at night in the darkness and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to come up with ideas about witches and monsters that I would fear when in fact what I feared was nothing but the silence and darkness of myself – it was in fact nothing but myself I feared

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insist that I need to have my mom sitting by myself when I am about to fall asleep and when my mom refused to sit there I insisted to have audio cassettes to fall asleep to, to have constant and continuous sound and noise drowning out the silence of my own beingness instead of pushing myself to embrace myself and face myself and investigate the experience of fear I have towards silence and darkness inside myself – all of which has now become automated through the processes of back chat and imagination

Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it

in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘mind-movement character’ that I have created a point of positive identification towards where I have experienced pride towards being someone that is constantly moving around as I now have come to cement and substantiate that this is who I am and who I identify myself as

The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I accepted and allowed myself to develop and identify myself as a ‘moving’ character to develop the character even further where I developed a desire and need for constant movement and speed – where from a survival mechanism that was a reaction to fear I made it into a positive character for example through actively participating in imagination and visualization where I became completely obsessed with being part of the world and having experiences and basically turning myself inside out

Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people

I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define, value and experience ‘life’ as ‘being in the world’ and ‘being part of the world’ specifically as going out and moving oneself in the system specifically turning myself inside out and only ever focusing on what is outside of me and what comes in from the outside and not what is inside of me

Making Mind-Movement into a Religion

We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make mind-movement into a religion where I have made my entire life about turning myself inside out and focusing on everything that is outside myself and putting things and experiences back into myself and not at all or in any way remain inside myself

The return to Darkness is the road to Hell

And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how what I am fearing – what I’ve feared all my life is in fact the return of myself to myself, to the darkness and silence of my human physical body that I’ve attempted to run away from my entire life, not seeing, realizing or understanding how it is me — and how I’ve been here all along and how what I’ve been avoiding to face all along is the responsibility of directing myself, of deciding who I am and of within that embracing myself in realizing that I am the one that decides who I am – which also means that I can change myself

(In the next post I will continue with self-corrective statements.)

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
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* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

Tags: addictions, Asphyxia, Bernard Poolman, Desteni, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Embrace (English band), Equal Money System, Experience, fear, Forgiveness, Keychain, Mind, Physical body, Pledge of Allegiance, Reflexive pronoun
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I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170

January 31, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

In this post I am continuing with the mind-movement character where I am writing out self-corrective statements on the self-forgiveness statements that I walked on DAY 164 and DAY 165. As a side-note since I’ve not been writing on this character for some days, I can mention that I’ve started more effectively pushing through it in terms of not moving myself away or allowing myself to be impulsed by the experiences and thoughts that come up within me.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-CORRECTIVE AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

Within this – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution was not to move myself away from the noise and energy to prevent it from penetrating me, but to not accept or allow it to change or influence me and to instead remain stable within and as myself

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to blame my environment for my experience of myself as I react to my environment through which I believe that solution to stop my experience is to move myself away physically – I stop and I breathe and I remain here.

Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been blaming the physical environment for creating my experience of myself within concluding for example that when conflict is happening outside me (for example in hearing my mother and father fighting and slamming doors and crying) it is also happening inside myself or that the outside influence is creating my inside experience and therefore that I must move myself physically away, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that unless I am in danger, the ‘problem’ is not in my physical environment and can therefore not be solved with me moving myself away physically but only through me actually facing myself and embracing myself inside myself, realizing that I’ve reacted through internalizing what was happening in my environment. Obviously I also see, realize and understand that it might be best to move oneself in certain situations simply as a bridge to assist oneself in not reacting (like from conflicts) but in the end if the problem is initiated inside myself, that is where I have to fix it. So therefore I commit myself to stop blaming my environment for creating experiences inside myself and as such I commit myself to stop looking outside myself for solutions to what I am experiencing inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I experienced that I could not move myself to accept myself as weak and as such because of and based on this have accepted and allowed myself to create a life-long pattern of caving in and giving in whenever I experience that I can’t move myself, mentally or physically away from something I experience as difficult through which I accept myself as weak.

I see, realize and understand how I have created a relationship between facing something that is difficult or unpleasant and that which I have perceived to be the solution as moving myself away from that which is unpleasant or difficult – without seeing, realizing and understanding that I’ve within this separated myself from myself through projecting my inner experiences outside myself, thus believing that if I move myself away externally the experience will go away. And so I commit myself to when and as I see that I am facing myself in a situation where I create an experience of inner discomfort, fear or feeling that the situation is unpleasant and I feel a strong urge to physically move myself away from whatever I am working with in the moment through which I triggered the experience – to stop and breathe. I commit myself to remind myself in those moments that it is not the point I am working on or the person I am speaking to that is creating discomfort within me. If I am working on my thesis and I come across something that is difficult, this is a practical point, but if I take that difficulty personally or react to it or fear it, then that indicating a relationship I’ve created towards the particular point I am faced with, which I can only change or deal with by changing myself and facing myself and not by physically moving myself away from the point (which I see now is actually a suppression tactic)

Perceiving/Judging the body/self as limited because of the inability to move and subsequently feeling trapped because of it thus creating the desire to ‘escape’.

A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I realized that I could not move myself away from the environmental influences that I was reacting towards through an experience of stress and fear and uncomfortability inside myself, to turn my reaction inwards and create a judgmental conscious experience of and towards myself where I started experiencing irritation towards myself in perceiving my own physical body as a prison type of experience in concluding that because I can’t physically move myself away from what I experience inside myself there must be something ‘wrong’ with me through which I actually started perceiving my body as a threat to me in blaming my body for my experience because I blamed my experience on my inability to move myself physically – while in no way actually investigating where the experience I am feeling comes from to begin with.

I see, realize and understand that I’ve been blaming my body and perceiving my body as a traitor to me, I’ve judged the body as useless and traitorous because I could not move myself with or out of my body as a child and therefore came to interpret the body as a prison or as a ‘somewhere’ in which I was trapped. In this – I see, realize and understand that I’ve separated myself from the body and then I’ve projected the responsibility for my own experience of myself onto the body as a ‘vessel’ separate from me – while all along I was doing it all to myself from the first moment I reacted to my environment by taking things personally and then separate myself inside myself. So I commit myself to reestablish myself here in and as my body. And I commit myself to establish a relationship with myself in and as the body of self-respect and dignity because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been punishing, abusing and exploiting the body as a form of punishment and abuse since I was a child. I commit myself to stop blaming the body for the experiences that come up within me. When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to blame the body or when I see I am experiencing irritation towards the body for a particular experience I have, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that this is a pattern of self-abuse and that I am not separate from my body. I commit myself to stop seeing the body as an enemy and as a prison that I am trapped inside, because I see, realize and understand that this is my own reaction to my experience of myself that I’ve projected onto the body. I see, realize and understand that real freedom can actually only come through bringing myself back to the physical and that it is the mind that is the prison I’ve created for/of/as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and to create a judgment towards my body as being limited and imprisoning me inside myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how it is not my body that is limited – but how I am allowing myself to be influenced by and define myself according to environmental influences instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can simply breathe and remain stable within and as myself

When and as I see that I am reacting to my environment, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that it is not the environment that is responsible for how I experience myself and that it is how I’ve defined and accepted myself in a relationship to the environment through which I am taking the influence personally. So I commit myself to take responsibility for the experience I accept and allow within and as myself as I see, realize and understand that it is my own responsibility to direct what I experience. As such I commit myself to develop stability and awareness and self-direction to stop reacting to my environment through stopping and through investigating the relationships I’ve created towards my environment in writing (an example is reacting to loud music or many people talking at once which is something I react intensely to). I see and understand that it is possible to breathe through any experience that comes up and so I commit myself to practice the point of breathing through the experiences that comes up within me so that I can realize this for a fact within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to escape my physical body so as to escape the experience I’ve created inside myself through holding my physical body responsible for my experience through blaming my physical body for me being unable to move myself away from my experience, not seeing realizing or understanding that the inability of the body to move is not responsible for my experience as I have created my experience of myself through allowing myself to be influenced by my environment and invert the energy of stress, fear and conflict I experience in my environment inside myself and accordingly define myself according to it – and therefore I am responsible for my own experience as I am the one who has created it by and within myself

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to want to escape this moment here – which I identify through tagging and flagging the experience of physical irritation and a feeling of ‘crawling inside my skin’ followed by a desire to either sleep, speak, watch TV or eat – I stop. I allow myself and I commit myself to breathe and simply be with myself for a moment there. Because I now realize see and understand that this is one of those moments that have become automated, where I react to what I experience inside myself, blame the body for it and then believe that I can get away from the experience if I move myself physically and alter/intervene with my physical experience for example through eating or sleeping. I also now see, realize and understand that the solution to stopping and directing the experiences that comes up within me, is in fact to remain in the body, rather than to run away from the body.

My beingness won’t get me anywhere

Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I judged and blamed my body for restricting me and limiting me, to in the same breath have disregarded and devalued myself as my body is myself and thus within and as that split myself inside myself annihilating my own body and thus myself essentially by blaming myself in and as separation from myself instead of simply realizing that I am the creator of my own experiences and therefore have the power and ability to change my experience of myself

I see, realize and understand that I’ve been deliberately punishing and torturing my body my entire life and that I’ve been deliberately annihilating the body through and within believing and accepting that the body is at fault for all unpleasant experiences within me – while I have oddly enough never actually given the body credit for all the positive experiences (such as in sex). I see, realize and understand now that I’ve lived my entire life in this self-annihilation without ever realizing that the part of me that I was pushing away and attempting to suffocate and quiet was in fact the part of me through which grace and peace and freedom was possible. As such I see, realize and understand that I’ve lived completely in reverse as I’ve believed that the body was the prison and the mind was the key to freedom and I can clearly see how I am still living this today in that my allegiances is more with the mind than it is with my body. As such I commit myself to walk a process of changing my allegiances from the mind to the body. And I commit myself to be patient with myself as I walk this process because I see how I’ve been loyal to the mind for a very long time and that it is going to take dedication and consistency to change my allegiance. I also see, realize and understand how one dimension of how I’ve been allegiant to the mind is because I misinterpreted the situation when I was a baby and I could not physically move myself. I realize that I blamed the body for my inability to move and in that moment I made the body my enemy while in fact I did not see how the actual point was within me reacting to and internalizing the environmental influences where I could have simply embraced it without fear or resistance and made the decision to stabilize myself inside myself. So I also see, realize and understand how I’ve lived this same moment over and over throughout the rest of my life, in every time I react, I turn to the mind and move myself in the mind while blame and ostracize the body because the experience is felt within and as the body. So – I commit myself to begin allowing myself to feel the experiences that come up within me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as I perceived and experienced that it was my body that was to blame for me not being able to move myself away from what I was experiencing inside myself, push myself away and turn myself away from myself in creating a split inside myself where I in fact came to see, define and experience myself as a threat to myself in and as separation from myself

I commit myself to initiate a process of establishing stability, integrity and self-respect for myself in and as the physical body, through breathing and through begin making decisions according to what is best for my body and not what satisfies the mind’s ‘need for speed’.

I will continue in my next post with self-forgiveness.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170

Tags: Asphyxia, Bernard Poolman, child-abuse, Crawling in my skin, Desteni, Embrace (English band), Environment, Experience, Forgiveness, Pledge Allegience, Speed of Light, Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character
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Confessions of a Child: Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character: DAY 163

January 7, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog post I will continue with writing out the thought component of the Mind Movement Character that I started writing about on DAY 159. I will structure the writing of my self-forgiveness based on the writing I did on DAY 161 because I can see that in my last post on DAY 162 I threw myself into the deep end of the self-forgiveness regarding the thought image of shooting through the universe, but I did not contextualize my writing as structured or as specific as I see is the most assisting. What I mean is that as I wrote out the point on DAY 161 I mentioned a lot of different dimensions of the thought image as it originated in my childhood and then on DAY 162 I simply jumped right in the middle of all these without supplying myself with a structure. And I see how easy it then is to entangle oneself or not be specific enough with the information that one has extrapolated. So therefore I will here place some key points from the writing I did on DAY 161 that I will utilize to write self-forgiveness on the thought image of shooting through the universe away from the darkness and into the light. By the way, this specific image stems from a spiritual ‘inner journey’ I had on mushrooms a couple of years back where I saw this exact point in a psychedelic version, meaning I experienced myself literally shooting through the universe chasing a ‘light’ and deliberately avoiding a ‘darkness’. However I see that the practical ways through which this point has manifested in my life and how I’ve lived according to it, is much more relevant to write out, so that is what I will focus on.

For context, here are the posts I’ve been walking so far in this series on the Mind-Movement Character:

I am again basing my writing on the answer of the Q and A I shared in the first blog post where I am specifically focusing on the point of desiring ‘life’ as the mind and how I came to live as a slave to that desire.

“…you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you.”

So in my last blog post I started opening up in self-forgiveness on the point of allowing myself to be born into this world and perceive myself in and as the physical as a threat through which I created the desire for movement. I’ll continue here in chronological order with the time line of events. So these are the points I will be walking in and as a structured write-through. I am therefore also walking the components of the Mind-Movement character a little different than what has been suggested as I am in principle walking all of these dimensions only as part of the thought component of the entire Mind-Movement Character; however I see how several points might overlap. So I will simply begin with the context I have laid out here and see how to progress as I continue writing out the points. So I have basically written out a bullet point for each point on the time-line to which I have attached a memory or a description of the particular point of change that occurred.

Mind-Movement Character Time-Line

Reacting to the environment – internalizing the external instability and conflict
I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically.

The acceptance of Self in reverse
when I was a baby and I could not move myself away from the noise, that noise and chaos was produced by a world abdicated to the mind, produced by people abdicating their beingness to the mind. And so what I faced as a consequence from the first moment I was born into this world – like everyone else – and which I only registered in some form of awareness, was the fact that I have enslaved myself, in and as the physical – my own life-substance – to the mind.

The acceptance of self as weak starts with the baby
And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move.

Perceiving/Judging the body/self as limited because of the inability to move and subsequently feeling trapped because of it thus creating the desire to ‘escape’.
A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.

My beingness won’t get me anywhere
Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness

The alternative is that we die – or so we believe
Whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died.

I am the worst enemy to my own survival
I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.

Making the Choice to indulge in the world
And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options.

Demoting myself to non-existent
And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself.

‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ as the ‘solution’ to my survival
I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’.

What I want from the Mind is Life
that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself.

My People are My World
I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost.

How I defined Mind-Movement as Life
But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch.

The Mind is an escape from the Mind itself
And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison.

Memory – The 2 minute key chain
I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound

Memory – Quiet time for Mom
Then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.

Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence
As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.

Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it
in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.

The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character
This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs.

Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people
I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.

Making Mind-Movement into a Religion
We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

The return to Darkness is the road to Hell
And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.

In my next blog post I will continue with writing out self-forgiveness on the first of these dimensions.

Thank you for walking with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Confessions of a Child: Time Line of The Mind Movement Character: DAY 163

Tags: being born, Bernard Poolman, Child, Child development, coming into the world, Consciousness, Desteni, Desteni I Process, Equal Money System, Forgiveness, Mind Movement Character, Speed of Light, Thought, Writing
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CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161

January 2, 2013 in Anna's Process Blog

How exactly is it children are socialized or programmed to participate in the world? This is something I am investigating here inadvertedly through my own experiences with the development of the Mind Movement Character.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the previous blog posts I’ve walked thus far:

In this blog post I’ll clarify a bit on the thought Image I wrote about in my last blog post as the image I’ve selected to represent the Mind Movement Character. When I say it is the image I have selected it is because it did not ‘come to me’ as with other characters where it is absolutely obvious what the thought or image representing or comprising the character is. I located this image more through discerning the characteristics of the character in how I’ve been living it. And so since I selected it I’ve been quite doubtful as to whether it is THE image that is relevant for this character. However, when I look at my personal relationship to the image specifically in context to the memory I shared of when I was a baby/small child and I started the mind movement, it was the same/similar motion where I used the darkness/light analogy. I see now how this could explain to some extent why children become afraid of the dark. Because the darkness we’re running away from and avoiding is ourselves, the darkness of being inside one’s own physical body, in the silence of the sound of self. And I see a particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped. I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically. As a side note I can share that according to my mother, I had quite the extreme entry into the world from a certain perspective.

Because when I was born – in a snowstorm by the way – my mom got up, took a shower and then they held a party. And she has explained how I then did not cry but turned my head away from them as if I wanted to be alone. LOL – I realize now that obviously newborn babies can’t turn their heads so either my mother embellished the story or I did in my memory of her telling it. However it still makes sense. I was born into a very loud, chaotic environment which also was a tiny apartment living with my mother and my father who was severely manic at the time of my birth swinging into heavy depression and back and forth during my first few years. So what I am seeing now is that I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. I see how all children do this, because we have no other option. If we were born into the world with functioning legs, we could walk away. But we can’t. Whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die.

This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs. As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape. Had I only realized that it was the other way around and that I could have walked the opposite way, inside myself, I could have saved myself a lot of time. But that is obviously not how we were designed or how we’ve designed ourselves.

And so what do we do? We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

So the bottom line:

I want to move myself in/through/as my mind constantly and continuously so that I don’t have to feel and be in and as the darkness of myself, as my beingness in and as my human physical body. Because that has become my prison where I hold myself completely restrained and locked and limited without any ability to move. But you know what? It is all in reverse. I completely missed the point. Because when I was a baby and I could not move myself away from the noise, that noise and chaos was produced by a world abdicated to the mind, produced by people abdicating their beingness to the mind. And so what I faced as a consequence from the first moment I was born into this world – like everyone else – and which I only registered in some form of awareness, was the fact that I have enslaved myself, in and as the physical – my own life-substance – to the mind. And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move. I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost. I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.

Forming myself as a Con. Forming myself according to the con. Letting the con of the world form me. So my form became the con. The ‘form’ I accepted myself as was the mind. The physical was a mere obstacle, the ‘jail’ I was trapped in as consciousness.

Remember the Q and A I shared in the first blog post?

Q: Why would one be afraid of being here in silence/darkness/stillness with oneself? I experience this as a primary point though I don’t see much reason for it in term of ‘issues’ to sort out. That it is more like a basic point that one simply requires pushing through. Is this so?

A: The Mind plays a nice trick on you with that one – it’s not in fact that you FEAR silence/darkness/stillness, what you’re actually experiencing is an excitement that manifest towards your Mind, cause you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you

So if I bring this back to myself in relation to what it is I’ve been sharing about, that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself. Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died. I have absolutely no background in concluding this, it simply makes sense to me. But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch. And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options. And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself. And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clearcut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself. And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison. Boy was I wrong. But I still only see it ‘intellectually’ – meaning that even though I now see this, I am still not living it. My entire life is build up around this one single point of making sure that I am constantly moving myself, in/through and as the mind. So is going to be a process to walk myself back to the darkness of myself. But that is exactly why I am writing out these blogs.

So in my next blog post I will continue with self-forgiveness on the image/thought of shooting through the universe, specifically with integrating the writings I’ve shared today into my self-forgiveness and in general this writing will be the base as I write the point out.

Thanks for walking-with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161

Tags: Bernard Poolman, Child development, Consciousness, Desteni, Desteni Group, development of a self, Dimension, Ego (spirituality), Home, Mind, Mother, Physical body, Prison, Self-Development, Socialization
7 Comments »

Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160

December 31, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

“The longest journey is the journey inwards. Of him who has chosen his destiny, Who has started upon his quest for the source of his being.”

– Dag Hammarskjold

This is the first of my blog posts writing out the Mind Movement Character. I’ve experienced resistance to writing it could so that is cool because I show myself that it is for sure relevant to write out. I am writing the point out in a detailed structure here so as to get to the bottom of myself because this is a pattern/point/personality that I’ve been writing about extensively since I started walking this process in 08-09 and it is to some extent still a mystery to me. It is interesting because I’ve been so focused on the Fear of Being Here and then with this Q and A I shared in my last blog I came to see – once again in greater detail – how it is actually not a fear but a desire and a holding-onto. So I am going to reverse the point and instead of looking at the fear of being here, I will look at the desire to constantly move myself.

The first point I will be walking is the thoughtdimension. For context, here is the introduction blog post I wrote where I’ve listed all the dimensions of the Character: The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159

Character Dimensions

Thought:

Seeing myself shooting forward through the universe away from darkness and stillness into light and sound

“As much horror as we have always created, we are a species that keeps moving forward, seeing new sights in new ways, and enjoying the journey.”

Martha Beck

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and define myself according to an image of seeing myself shooting through the universe in an explosion of light (there’s no sound in the image so it is more an image of sound) that I’ve defined as excitement and exploration

I listened to an interview today from Anu where he talks about how one of the reasons one does not change and stand up absolutely is because of holding onto a hope. He then came with some suggestions like people hoping for Jesus or Aliens to come and save the planet. But my hope, I realized, is that I can still get skinny, catch the perfect man, have children and a successful and have a happy life. It was utterly absurd to see in the context of what Anu was talking about, that my inner world is so small, so limited and narrow. Anyways so this fit quite well with this analogy of shooting through the universe, because it could be an analogy of sperm shooting through the vagina. It could also be me shooting through ‘life’ and then ‘life’ is the universe with all it’s colors and sounds, like a consumer universe fantasy. And so in the image it is like I look back over my shoulder and see darkness and then I shoot myself out into the universe towards the light. Another similar version is that I am shooting off but it is with this constant awareness of running away from something. And you know something interesting as well, is that there’s no end goal or point. It is ‘all about the journey’. Lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold within and as myself an image of shooting through the universe which when I recall and activate within and as I myself I experience excitement and myself as aroused within the fast paced movement of myself in light and an image of sound

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive energetic experience to the image of shooting through the universe at high speed in light and sound not seeing, realizing or understanding how getting caught in the light and the excitement is in fact a deliberate diversion from and polarity to the opposite as the starting-point of myself as darkness, silence towards which I’ve attached a negative energetic experience based on which I had to create a polar opposite because the positive and the negative are interdependent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live based on the image of shooting through the universe at rapid speed, sound and light as a positive connecting it to the words ‘journey’, ‘discovery’ ‘exploring’ and ‘free’ in particular as the words that I made religious doctrine within and as myself as words I HAD TO follow and attempt to become through living the motion of constantly shooting through the universe

(I will continue with self-forgiveness on this thought image and how I came to define my life according to this image in my next blog post)

Thanks for walking-with.

Art by Agostino Arrivabene

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160

Tags: Anu, Desteni, Forgiveness, Image, Jesus, Pensée unique, Universe, Writing
3 Comments »

The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159

December 29, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

This writing is an introduction to the Mind Movement Character that I will be writing about. For context this is a Q and A between myself and Sunette Spies from a chat that I will be utilizing as the starting-point for this writing in terms of flipping the point around from fear of being here to desire to be in/as the mind.

Writing

I am the most comfortable in an environment with sounds and lights and movement and people speaking. I enjoy being alone but only if I am moving myself. I enjoy laying in the dark about to go to sleep but only if I let the mind chatter likes a radio. Silence scares me. Non-movement scares me. Some time ago I recalled a memory from when I was a baby where I was not yet able to move myself or otherwise were conditioned to remain in the situation I was in or at least experienced myself as such and I remembered how I, because I could not move myself away from that which I feared, I started moving myself inside myself and started splitting myself and started developing thinking as a separate awareness where I literally disconnected myself from my body here. It could have been because of hearing my parents fighting though I don’t recall that specifically. I simply recall wanting to get away and move myself and not being able to and then it was like I started moving faster and faster inside myself and ‘loosened’ or ‘broke off’ a part of myself where I then felt sort of safe. And so ever since I’ve been on the move. Whenever something traumatic or difficult happened in my life, I’d dust myself off and keep moving. All I knew was that I had to keep moving. And so the result has been that I don’t want to stand still or stop or relax or rest even for a moment. ‘Instinctively’ I simply keep moving. I am the most comfortable when I am busy and when there’s loads of practical stuff to do. I tend to get kind of wonky in my mind when I am at home all the time. Because then I start moving inside my mind instead, turning on the radio of back chat chatter. When I work, it is easier for me to keep the mind quiet and focus on what I am doing. So this is what I will be walking here in greater detail. I will have a look at the individual dimensions of this Mind Movement Character so that I can effectively walk myself through it and step out of it so that I can remain here and face and embrace myself instead of spending my life and time on trying to run away from myself. I’ve written about this point in several blogs so for context here are the previous blogs I’ve written on this point:

The Mind Movement Character Dimensions:

For context on what I will be walking and how to write out Character dimensions, please read the following blog by Sunette Spies:

Character Dimensions – Introduction (Writing): DAY 162

Thought:

Seeing myself shooting forward through the universe away from darkness and stillness into light and sound

Desire:

Desire to move/be in/as energetic movement, generating energetic experiences
Desire to feel energies moving inside myself

Fear:

Fear of standing still/being still/darkness
Fear of not being able to move

Imagination:

Imagining myself being swallowed and drowned by the darkness if I stop up
Not knowing what will happen if I stop up
Imagining myself being progressive and self-moving
Imagining how much I will get done
Imagining how it will be to be locked inside myself in total silence and darkness infinitely
Imagining what I have to do (anything!) that is not remaining here in silence with/as/within myself

Backchat

“I am doing important stuff”
“I am moving myself to help someone else”
“I HAVE TO move”
“I can’t help myself”
“I know I shouldn’t but it feels so good to move myself”
“I don’t want to sit still; it feels like I’ll burst if I don’t move myself NOW”
“I’ll just to this… then I’ll return to sitting still”

Reaction:

Panic
Feeling desperate
Feeling trapped
Feeling relieved when I move myself
Feeling happy and ecstatic and anticipating when I move myself
Feeling like I’ve dodged a bullet when I move myself
Feeling comfortable when I am moving myself like I am ‘getting somewhere’
Feeling uncomfortable as soon as I sit down to focus on something

Physical:

Feeling like I am crawling in my skin when I am sitting down
Feeling jittery
Feeling movement

Consequence:

The consequence is that I don’t step out of the mind
The consequence is that I kill myself in and as the physical
The consequence is that I never get to relax or rest or be intimate with myself
The consequence is that I don’t get to know myself
The consequence is that I remain within and as the mind

In my next blog I will continue with writing out self-forgiveness on the first dimension: thought.

Art by Agostino Arrivabene

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The Mind Movement Character Introduction: DAY 159

Tags: Bernard Poolman, Desteni, energized, Energy, Equal Money System, Fear of Being Alone, fear of darkness, Fear of Silence, feeling horny, From Darkness to light, Thoughts
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The Gift of Projection is a Self-Honest Mirror: 157

December 21, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

The last couple of days I have been writing my blogs by myself without publishing them. The point of self-forgiveness I will be sharing here is about reacting to something in another that is in fact about myself. I have continued and I will continue focusing on the point of accepting what comes up within and as the mind as real because that is an important point in terms of making the distinction and accordingly direct oneself to not participate in the thoughts, backchats and experiences that comes up. I also have and will continue to focus on the point of participation and who I am within how I participate in my world and my reality because that is definitely a primary point I am facing. So both of these points are integrated into and considered in the self-forgiveness I share here.

I am continuing from the following posts:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a constant experience of anger towards another for not taking care of practical things the way that I see they should do so and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame and fear another for what I perceive as them being egotistical

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully integrate within to and as myself the understanding that when I react I am seeing myself and therefore when I react to what I perceive my another doing, I am actually reflecting my own relationship with myself onto another where I am the one that is egotistical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny the fact that specific actions I take and points I allow to exist within and as me is self-interested and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself in and as those points as though it doesn’t exist and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subsequently project who I am onto another as representing outside and separate from me and then go into an entire time loop of blaming and judging and being angry at them when in fact it is myself I am angry at

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and judge and blame myself for what I perceive as me being egotistical instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only be angry at myself if I am in separation with myself, meaning that one part of me is looking at another part of me – because otherwise, I would simply see the point of self-compromise, abuse and deception and immediately move myself to self-correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately move myself to self-correction and that I have instead bullied myself and bullied my another and been angry at myself within and as expecting more of myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I already know/knew that who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become in/as/through my abdication of myself to the mind and therefore when I see who I am in and as self-interest, it should not surprise me or bring me to judge myself because I already knew that this was who/what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become and thus the fact that I get angry at myself is showing me that I either have had expectations to myself that were self-delusional/deceptive in terms of denying who I’ve become as the mind and/OR that I am actually well aware of what I am doing and thus compromising myself deliberately in self-abdication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger, self-judgment and blame to deliberately manipulate myself and distract myself from actually doing what is required to be done within and as moving myself immediately to a point of correction and change where I through this emotional reaction take what I do personally as though ‘this is not who I am’ or ‘this is not whom I’m supposed to be’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that who and what I am in and as self-interest is exactly whom I’ve been since I abdicated myself to the mind and therefore I can’t really expect myself to be something else and as such I see how I’ve blown the point out of proportion in terms of deceiving myself into believing that I am a good and righteous human being

I see, realize and understand that I can only change myself through embracing myself in saying: “this is what is, this is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so be it – now I’ll change.” Meaning that it is not complicated – it is simply a matter of recognizing and accepting that this is so and then change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I get angry at myself because I am in and as self-deception and where the recognition of who I am in and as self-interest is seeing as ‘tainting’ towards my ‘self-righteous self’ meaning that part where I am pretending like I am not existing in self-interest SO that I can live in self-interest without standing responsible for the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and to blame, judge and recent myself because I know that what I am accepting and allowing – in terms of not applying myself to the fullest of my capabilities – is not best for all not seeing, realizing or understanding that within and as judging, blaming and being angry at myself I am also tacitly implying and accepting that ‘this is who I am’ and that ‘I can’t change’ instead of simply and immediately as I see what it is I am accepting and allowing to be honest with/within/as myself and move to and within the simplicity of applying corrective action in terms of writing, self-forgiveness and directively changing my behavior through breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept ‘who I am’ within and as my participation in self-interest and deliberately not applying myself to the fullest of my potential and capabilities specifically through separating myself from myself and as such hiding from and within myself thus creating an internal conflict because I am living on a lie pretending that I am something that I am not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny myself as how and as who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in terms of deliberately not applying myself to the fullest of my potential in making excuses and justifications and deceive myself to justify acting in self-honesty – so that I don’t have to face myself in self-honesty and so that I don’t have to stand accountable or self-responsible and so I don’t have to face the consequences and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that there is no way to escape consequences and suppressing oneself with only make a point grow in the shadows without one’s control because one has abdicated oneself to the point in refusing to take self-responsibility for oneself in and as it and have therefore made oneself less than the point which gives the point power over oneself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-control and direction to self-interest and backchat and desire for stimulation and fear through abdicating my self-responsibility for myself as that desires and fear and as such making myself less than the desire and fear thus giving it control over me and as me making it my directive principle and thus making myself a slave to fear and desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason why I have lived in self-interest and why I have not applied myself to the fullest of my potential, is because that is what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and because I separated myself from myself as the creator of myself and abdicated self-responsibility for accepting and allowing myself to live in self-interest, I made myself powerless towards self-interest and gave self-interest a ‘life of its own’ in spite of the fact that it was always just me here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that there is no practical, physical, common-sensical reason for me and that it is not normal to live according to self-interest as fear and desire where I am only directing myself according to the experiences and thoughts that comes up within me and where I’ve got absolutely no self-directive will or principled application as this way of living and this self that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to become is abusive and delusional and is destructive towards life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry, frustrated and to blame and judge another for what I perceive as them being egotistical and inconsiderate as acting in self-interest within and towards practical reality when in fact what I am doing is mirroring myself onto them as a reflected projection because if I were truly seeing who they were within and as their participation I would see them as an equal and I would be able to support them as an equal, but since I am taking their actions personally in creating a personal interpretation of their actions and intents and motives, what I am seeing and experiencing has nothing to do with the other person and only with myself as that which I am showing myself through the reflection I am projecting onto the other person

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* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

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The Gift of Projection is a Self Honest Mirror: 157

Tags: Anger, Bernard Poolman, Blame, Day 21, Desteni, Desteni I Process, Equal Money System, Experience, Forgiveness, Mind, Perception, relationship
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Back to Breath (Day 20 of 21) The Miss-Fitted Pariah: DAY 152

December 4, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

This is DAY 20 of my 21 days of bringing myself back to breath. In the next and the last post in this series I’ll do a sum-up of how these past 21 days have went. But in this post I will be walking a point that has come up today. For context of what I will be walking here, this post is relevant: The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me: DAY 18

For quite some time, basically since I turned 30 last year and subsequently gained a lot of weight and where my body has changed in terms of showing signs of ‘flaw’ that I’ve not experienced before – I’ve been experiencing many reactions towards my appearances. Since this is quite a huge (no pun intended) point, I am not going to walk all the dimensions here, but simply a specific point that is very current within my daily experiences. So basically since the weight gain, the age gain (lol) and the changes of my physical that I am sure are at least to some part, due to my preoccupation with and self-judgment towards my appearances, I’ve been pulling myself away from other people.

When I am standing in the elevator here at our house, I’ll for example often bow my head and look down into the floor in shame of ‘who I am’ as ‘how I look/appear’. Now this is in stark contrast to my general expression of being very outgoing and inviting towards other people. And so I’ve been more and more pulling myself into myself, not wanting to go out really or meet anyone because I feel ashamed and have branded myself as being ‘out of the game’ and ‘old’. I can muster up a hint of an expression when I am in a shop or at work, but it is nowhere near my usual expression. I am experiencing a constant underlying shame and self-judgment. And what I realized today through the assistance with questions from two Destonians is that I’ve been deliberately matching my expression to my self-judgment. Basically how I’ve reasoned the point within my mind is that ‘because I am now ‘old, ugly and fat’ I have to express myself accordingly’, ‘no one wants to speak with me’, ‘how would anyone want to speak with me?’ and I see that the more I’ve bowed down to this self-definition the more it has affected my actual physical appearances that are then matching how I resonate myself within my expression. So I’ve basically ‘resigned’ into accepting my ‘new role’ and have been busy aligning my expression accordingly.

Now – I’ve never been a super model, but I’ve used my looks to get attention from guys and I’ve flirted with just about every person that I’ve met and so this new role is very far from how I’ve expressed myself previously – except for the fact that I’ve always had this side and have had days and weeks on and off where I felt like an outsider and then simply stayed at home. But now it has more or less become a ‘permanent’ point explicitly and without a doubt because of my direct brainwashing of myself through participation in self-judging backchat and so the result has been that I experience a complete and utter resistance towards going out and meeting other people in any capacity except for the supermarket. It has not made it easier from a certain perspective that I am in a new country where I don’t know anyone anyways and where I don’t speak the language fluently enough to participate on ‘equal terms’ however I can also see how such a set-up is quite a perfect challenge, whereas had I been in the comfort-zone of my home country I could have simply gone to one of the places that I know and where I’ve been before and feel at least somewhat comfortable. But here – I have to start over completely from scratch. And I am not talking about building up a serious network of friends or a friend group, because it is not about that at all. It is about no longer submitting myself to my own self-judgment towards how my appearances apparently change who I am allowed to be and how I am allowed to express myself where I’ve directively suppressed my expression in fear and self-judgment. And then it is also so as to actually network and get to know people and interact with others so that we can all expand ourselves and learn from each other.

So today my partner suggested that I go to the library to work on my thesis. I’ve done it only once before, also upon suggestion from my partner, so as to utilize getting out of the house to discipline myself. But I experience a massive resistance towards it. I’ve judged myself as being too old at the university library and quickly try to eradicate myself into a corner in shame. I certainly did not speak to anyone and quickly went home again. So this is obviously a challenge I take upon myself. Another option I also see that is perhaps even more challenging is to partake in a contact-improvisation group that I was invited to last year. I’ve wanted to go since I was invited because I absolutely enjoy contact-impro. Basically it is like free dancing and moving where one goes in contact with others and amongst other things do lifts and jumps with each other and as such ‘transcends’ the normal conventions about how a body is supposed to behave and move. I’ve done it a couple of times before when I had drama classes, but I’ve experienced much fear and resistances towards doing it here, primarily based on the backchat that: “. They’re probably all skinny and who would want to dance with me? Probably no one, then I’ll be sitting ashamed in a corner. No one can lift me anyways. They probably don’t want me there anyway.” So this is a specific point where I’ve significantly limiting myself from doing something that I enjoy and that would be supportive for me – out of fear.

So here I’ll be applying self-forgiveness on this fear and this backchat and this resistance that I experience towards going out and I’ll continue in the following posts so as to ensure that I walk through this point. Because I see how utterly detrimental it is and I see very clearly how this is something I am doing to myself explicitly within bowing down to ideas in my mind about appearances. In the midst of writing this blog, I went to take a break to play with my cats and I listened to a video by Marlen Vargas Del Razo that assisted me greatly in placing the points I’ve mentioned here into a more profound context, namely in seeing how insane it is to be preoccupied with being ‘good enough’ for the system while in fact the system that one is so desperately longing to be a part of is in fact founded upon abuse and therefore what one is diminishing oneself within is bowing down to and honoring an abusive system. This is quite similar to couples in an abusive relationship where the one partner will have the other so brainwashed that they’ll say sorry or thank you when they’re being beaten and are thus equally responsible in perpetuating the abusive situation. So this is definitely an important point that I’ll be including and expanding myself within as I walk these points.

SELF-FORGIVENESS:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept within and as myself that because I have gained weight and are now positioning physically within the ‘big girls’ department in the clothing store that who I am has changed and that I am now less worthy of living and existing and expressing myself than I was when I was positioned within a physical measurement of shopping in the ‘normal people’ department and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the fact that I now have to shop for clothes in a completely different department as a HUGE change in my life and in who I am because I’ve taken it personally in perceiving and interpreting that I’ve been outcast from the ‘normal people’s world’ to a shameful corner of the world that is the ‘big girls’ – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how this division of the size departments is utterly absurd and unnecessary to begin with and only has been designed as such to perpetuate the separation and difference between ‘normal size’ people and ‘fat people’ so as to provide the normal size people with the ‘freedom’ from having to worry about whether they are fat through seeing big sizes next to their normal sizes and how it is sending a signal to obese people that there is something wrong with them or to pity them in a misconstrued ‘empowerment’ calling the department where the bigger size clothes are located for ‘generous’ or ‘big is beautiful’ – instead of simply letting all the clothes hang next to each other without creating a division between the sizes. I see realize and understand however how it is me myself who have taken this division personally because I’ve already created that division and separation within and as myself and therefore the division of the clothes departments is merely reflecting my own shame and self-judgment and separation back to myself and is in fact not responsible for creating these experiences within me. So when and as I go to the clothing shop and I go to the department with the bigger sizes I simply do that as a practical point and when and as I see that I am creating an experience within myself and are back chatting in my mind within and as taking the division between the departments personally – I stop and I breathe and I continue shopping as a practical point of self-support, because obviously I have to wear clothes that actually fit as that is the primary purpose with clothes. So I commit myself to stop perpetuating the division that I’ve created and imagined in my mind between obese people and everyone else, where I’ve cornered and outcast obese people and therefore myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to classify myself in my mind as an ‘obese person’ as something that I am that defines me and the totality of me and my being and that significantly diminishes my value as a human being in this world and as a woman in particular where combined with a definition of myself as being ‘old’ within having turned 30 – I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being a complete loser who is embarrassing and shameful and should not even be allowed to walk the streets because I am apparently shameful for society and for the young skinny righteous people to whom apparently the world belongs as I too experienced for a fleeting moment in my twenties and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – partly – base this definition and acceptance of myself as being completely shamed out and cast out because of my weight and my age – on my own judgments towards other women (and men) who fit the same description of being aged and obese and how I’ve seen, defined and judged them as disgusting and embarrassing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when I see a woman who is obese to immediately put her down in my mind and deliberately look at the fatness of her legs, arms, stomach and face and within myself in sheer joy of spitefulness look at her in disgust and want her to receive my disgust and feel like shit and feel squashed and ashamed and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify this spitefulness within me by saying to myself that ‘she should know better’, ‘it’s her own fault that she’s fat’, ‘she’s a disgusting pig’, ‘she should have better self-control that pig’ and within and as this in my mind totally and completely diminish and break down this human being in my mind – which I am now facing equally as one within and as myself – and of course it’s always only been about myself and how I relate myself to/within/as the system

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as the person with the skinny to normal body weight and mass to when and as I diminish a person that is obese in my mind to see myself as righteous within and as defining myself as good because I exercise and eat what I consider as being healthy and therefore within this judge and define the other human being as ‘wrong’ and ‘unhealthy’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the utter absurdity and self-deception within and as how I am the one being evil and spiteful in my mind towards this human being, whose only ‘crime’ is that they are overweight which they could be for any number of reasons and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how my strong reaction towards obese people is in fact due to the fact that I within them are reflecting my own over-consumption and greed which I’ve happily suppressed and pretended like does not exist while I am busy shopping for my next vegan oatmeal cookie or my next swimsuit and in fact exist as exactly that which I judge the person who is obese for: having no self-control, being unhealthy, being self-responsible for having allowed myself to become greedy and over-consuming, everything that I judge a person that is obese for – are in fact traits within and as myself that I’ve separated myself from and refused to face and it is therefore I want the obese people to be outcast, so that I don’t have to be confronted with my own over-consumption, greed and lack of self-control because then I can continue with it while pretending that what I accept and allow has no consequences – which is exactly what people that are obese have come to represent.

Okay – I’ll go up to here for now with this explosive topic and I’ll continue in my next post with the specific self-forgiveness statements on these points.

Thanks for walking-with.

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* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

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* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

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Suggest reading Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.