April 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
The reason why I started writing about relationships and making videos about relationships was because of the vast amount of points that I saw coming up in my own relationship – in particular all the characters and personalities and reactions creeping out from any nook and cranny in my mind. In many ways it is like becoming a monster or realizing that one had been occupied by an alien invasion because having gone from being a seemingly ‘civilized’ person, suddenly one is displaying one dysfunctional feature after another. And obviously we learn all of this at home, through seeing our parents and how they interact as well as seeing adults in general interrelate not to mention how we ‘perfect’ the insanity while growing up.
In most of the relationships that I’ve had so far I simply walked out when the insanity started peeking out and I never ever stayed and try to salvage the relationship. I simply switched off the ‘love button’ and happily moved onto to another adventure in the hopes that this new partner would be comprised of such a chemical composition of personality and temper that simply being with them would immediately cure any insanity or ‘hole’ I had within me. I literally believed that my only problem was simply not finding the ‘right one’ and that once I did, I would magically turn into the perfect woman – simply by being in my partner’s presence. Obviously that never worked out and I blamed my partners.
So now I am here in a relationship that is by no means perfect and I am acutely aware that I am responsible for any imperfections that my relationship may endure, because the relationship consist of me and my partner and I’m bringing everything I’ve ever been into this partnership and I am asking the partnership to deal with my insanity – because when you live with someone day in and day out for several years, at some point you just can’t keep the floodgates shut anymore and the ‘real you’ starts seeping through. And this is what has happened to me. I’ve quite successfully managed to hide myself in all my relationships – including friendships and to some extent family relationships. Because I could always just leave and move and go home to myself and be alone. Now I can’t do that anymore.
And when it is suggested by Desteni to prepare oneself absolutely before entering into an agreement – it is no joke. I wasn’t prepared – and it was not so much not being prepared to live with another or to even be faced with another’s ‘demons’. It was my own demons that I wasn’t prepared for, the demons that oddly enough only come out in relationships – even in my life alone with myself they didn’t come out. Because I had made myself ‘civilized’ and ‘functional’ through suppressing all sides of myself that I did not consider ‘good’. Or I would simply go home and hide under the covers.
To clarify: the ‘bad’ I am talking about here is for example all the little tricks we learn in relationships, emotional blackmail, self-pity, seduction, sweet-talking, blame, projection, judgment, sarcasm, parenting, policing, victimization, dependency, co-dependency, self-sabotage, addiction, justifications, lying, cheating ….. you name it. And each person has their own spin on these relationship ‘games’ that we’ve learned, each person has created their own approach to surviving in relationships with other human beings.
The difference is that I am walking this relationship as a Destonian and my partner happens to be a Destonian. As such we are walking an Agreement. The agreement is that we will walk together in sorting ourselves out. It is in no way romantic or beautiful or necessarily harmonic – and why not? Because I am not. In the context of this discussion it also doesn’t matter whether my partner is walking with Desteni or not, because I would have been confronted with my own demons either way – simply by being together with someone for that long.
The point that I am facing is that I wasn’t prepared when I entered into this relationship. As such I hadn’t established a stable foundation of walking my own process before expanding myself to walk with another and face what may come through that. A lot of things have developed already and I’ve perfected myself through walking with a partner, however the relationship ‘demon’ still rears its head – and it has many, many heads. Like I said, even in being alone I had kept these parts of myself hidden from myself through creating some fake form of civilization. Many people can probably relate to how otherwise these ‘demons’ only come out in what would appear as random moments, in traffic or when dealing with bureaucracy over the phone. It doesn’t happen very often – but in a relationship it does, because it is like one’s buttons are constantly being pushed.
So I will continue walking this process in these blogs and in the videos and I will continue focusing on the most prominent ‘demonic’ relationship experiences that I see is prohibiting me from actually embracing myself and embracing an agreement with another. I mean, I am starting here from scratch. Everything I know about being in a relationship are things that serves no purpose in a living agreement where two beings come together to support one another to become one’s full potential.
The whole point of being in a relationship was from the beginning that I thought that the other person was supposed to be like an anti-dote to the venom I believed to have inside me – but what I am realizing is that it is more like the relationship is showing me that I need to be my own anti-dote. Oddly enough the relationship is showing me that I can’t run from myself or escape the consequences of whom and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become. It is giving me the opportunity to face all parts of myself and first and foremost those parts that are not best for all life – so that I can in fact change myself and become a human being that I would want to live with and as, for the rest of my life.
I am grateful for the opportunity to face myself through an agreement with another and I would not trade the shitstorm of facing my own demons with the dull life of deception in blissful self-containment and suppression. At least the shit is in my face. That means that I can deal with it, wipe myself clean and actually give myself a fresh start.
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