Desteni I Process - Anna's Journey to Life

Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

February 17, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog I am writing out the final self-forgiveness statements on the series about the mind-movement character and in the following blogs I will write out the final self-corrective statements. Subsequently I will begin a new series about relationships. So stay tuned.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Memory – The 2 minute key chain

I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as I was asked by a kindergarten teacher to sit down and make a key chain, to experience this as a punishment and that I had to sit down because they did not like me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I even heard that I had to sit down, to experience anxiety and discomfort within and as myself and an experience of physical irritation as feeling jittery when I saw my friends moving about and I experienced fear of missing out which was actually me resisting being here with and within my own physical body in stillness and silence as that which I was ‘running’ from as I had decided to stay in constant ‘movement’.

Memory – Quiet time for Mom

then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as my mom told me to be quiet to take it personally and react as though I was bad and not good enough because of my ‘lively’ expression – which was actually a cover up for the fact that I feared being silent, being still because I knew that within and as silence and stillness I would face myself as the darkness of my human physical body and that was what I was running away from

Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence

As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards laying in bed at night in silence and darkness because that darkness and silence reminded me of that first reaction to the darkness and silence of being inside my physical body and how I reacted to the fact that I could not move myself out of my body or away from the reactions I was experiencing – which ultimately is what brought me to fantasizing at night before I went to sleep, creating an incubator for backchat

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be petrified of being alone at night in the darkness and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to come up with ideas about witches and monsters that I would fear when in fact what I feared was nothing but the silence and darkness of myself – it was in fact nothing but myself I feared

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insist that I need to have my mom sitting by myself when I am about to fall asleep and when my mom refused to sit there I insisted to have audio cassettes to fall asleep to, to have constant and continuous sound and noise drowning out the silence of my own beingness instead of pushing myself to embrace myself and face myself and investigate the experience of fear I have towards silence and darkness inside myself – all of which has now become automated through the processes of back chat and imagination

Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it

in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘mind-movement character’ that I have created a point of positive identification towards where I have experienced pride towards being someone that is constantly moving around as I now have come to cement and substantiate that this is who I am and who I identify myself as

The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character

This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I accepted and allowed myself to develop and identify myself as a ‘moving’ character to develop the character even further where I developed a desire and need for constant movement and speed – where from a survival mechanism that was a reaction to fear I made it into a positive character for example through actively participating in imagination and visualization where I became completely obsessed with being part of the world and having experiences and basically turning myself inside out

Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people

I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define, value and experience ‘life’ as ‘being in the world’ and ‘being part of the world’ specifically as going out and moving oneself in the system specifically turning myself inside out and only ever focusing on what is outside of me and what comes in from the outside and not what is inside of me

Making Mind-Movement into a Religion

We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make mind-movement into a religion where I have made my entire life about turning myself inside out and focusing on everything that is outside myself and putting things and experiences back into myself and not at all or in any way remain inside myself

The return to Darkness is the road to Hell

And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how what I am fearing – what I’ve feared all my life is in fact the return of myself to myself, to the darkness and silence of my human physical body that I’ve attempted to run away from my entire life, not seeing, realizing or understanding how it is me — and how I’ve been here all along and how what I’ve been avoiding to face all along is the responsibility of directing myself, of deciding who I am and of within that embracing myself in realizing that I am the one that decides who I am – which also means that I can change myself

(In the next post I will continue with self-corrective statements.)

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

Tags: addictions, Asphyxia, Bernard Poolman, Desteni, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Embrace (English band), Equal Money System, Experience, fear, Forgiveness, Keychain, Mind, Physical body, Pledge of Allegiance, Reflexive pronoun
3 Comments »

Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166

January 17, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog post, I will be walking realizations, corrections and self-commitment statements on the self-forgiveness I’ve written on the Mind-Movement Character thus far. Since I’ve started walking this character, I have been more prominently aware of how I’ve come to embody this mind-movement character. In fact, because it was one of the very first characters I initiated and submerged myself into, it is a lot less multi-dimensional than other characters that have an entire storyboard and wardrobe and scripts to fill it out. Because this character has a very simplistic purpose and that is to use the mind to move myself away from myself, inside myself as well as using the physical to do so. And I notice how prominent this is a part of my daily life. From what I can see at the moment, it is in a way all there is, all I’ve done – is to run around constantly running away from myself even though I’m right here. I’ve actually also now started to doubt – though not necessarily in an unpractical sense – whether or not it is the best to write this character out as extensively as I’ve planned. Because I see how planning a months-long writing session on one character can have the effect that one does simply not step to the point of correction and change. Because basically I still live this character and it has detrimental effects on my participation, so it is most certainly why I am here to write it out. Therefore I will write out the dimensions of the time-line I scripted on DAY 163 and from there I will have a look at whether there are more dimensions required to be written out or if this is in fact what is required to be written out for me to stop and change and step out of the Mind-Movement Character.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

So l will here be walking from the beginning of when I initiated the Mind-Movement character and I will script a correction for myself making the connection between the original pattern and how I am living it today.

SELF-CORRECTIVE AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS OF CHANGE

Reacting to the environment – internalizing the external instability and conflict

I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a baby and small child react to my environment by accepting and allowing stress to exist within and as me as I have accepted and allowed myself to let the energies I pick up on in my body into myself and have allowed the energetic instability and conflict to influence the stability and substance of my beingness through which I began internalizing the instability and stress and started accepting it as myself from which and where I eventually became this instability and stress as I accepted it as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I reacted to in my environment was primarily stimuli as smells and sounds when in fact what I reacted to the most, was energies.

When and as I see that I am reacting to my environment through experiencing a physical sensation of energy within me where I perceive and experience that it is what is happening in my environment that is creating my experience, I stop and I breathe. (An example could be the stress of a cue in the supermarket where others are agitated, or if I pick up on my partner being in a bad mood). I allow myself to slow myself down through breathing to assess in common sense self-honesty for myself whether I am in fact ‘picking up on’ energies in my environment or whether I am the one projecting my own energetic reactions outwards onto my environment and when I am satisfied that it is me who is sensing the energetic reactions of another, I simply breathe and allow myself to be with the energy. Because I see, realize and understand that just because I pick up on energy does not mean that this energy defines me or influences me in any way what so ever. And I see, realize and understand that I can actually be here with the energy without fearing it or pushing it away in fear because when I stand stable here within and as myself as breath, I can simply stand with the energy without allowing it to become me. And I see, realize and understand that I’ve allowed the energy to become me. I also see, realize and understand that I’ve believed that the problem was physical – my environment, other people, noise, smells, overloading of physical sensations – but I see, realize and understand that the ‘problem’ was mental all along as energy is a mental process and that it is only within accessing and identifying myself as the mind that I have allowed myself to become influenced by energies. And so I also see, realize and understand that it doesn’t really matter whether I was affected by something in my environment or whether I created it alone within myself because the fact of the matter is that I allowed myself to define myself according to emotional and energetic experiences and more specifically of the experience of not being able to move away from – which is what I perceived as the solution as a small child – that which I was experiencing as I was projecting it onto and blaming my environment for creating experiences within me, not seeing, realizing or understanding that the solution was not to move myself away but to stand stable within myself directing the experience in common sense self-honesty.

So therefore I commit myself to stop internalizing the reactions I experience towards my environment when I am in the cue and hear someone being irritated or when I see someone fighting in a bus or when I sense that my partner is in a bad mood and I commit myself to insert a moment of pause and stop right there when I sense a change in my environment so that I can allow myself to feel whatever it is without internalizing it and making it a part of myself and fearing it and blaming it and reacting to it and I commit myself to support myself to embrace energetic reactions unconditionally as myself and as such reverse what I’ve done until now in terms of running away and pushing away.

The acceptance of self as weak starts with the baby

And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to physically move myself away from the external influence I was experiencing as a baby affecting me, but because I could not move myself I tried again and again over a period of time and when I could not move myself at all – because there was no conscious realization, I simply could not move myself away from the influence, I accepted it and I accepted myself as a weak

So what I see is that from here, two patterns or characters emerged, one being the mind-movement character where I started moving myself away inside myself and the other being the giving-in-and-giving up pattern that I’ve been writing about extensively. And I see how these are interchangeably connected and most certain affect and define who I am today.

So – when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in an experience of not being able to move myself away from what I am experiencing through which I step into the pattern of giving-in and giving up on myself in going into the ‘if I can’t beat them, then I’ll join them character’ I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that the origin point within this is a misunderstanding based on the fact that I could not move myself as a baby physically away from my experience, yet I did not understand that I did not have to move myself away physically as it was not my environment that was responsible for my experience of myself and that I could have simply breathed and stabilized myself inside myself – as such I see, realize and understand that I’m still living the same misunderstanding and that I’ve now turned it into a convenient self-sabotage scheme where the ‘solution’ to what I am experiencing is to give myself into it and to move myself away from it, only inside my mind and as such were the result is in fact that whatever experience I am facing, I actually amplify it and enslave myself even further to it in an ‘attempt’ to stop it. And I see, realize and understand that this experience is triggered in situations where I experience that my environment has control over me, in situations where I don’t already direct myself and as such I see, realize and understand that I’ve been creating a snowball effect through reacting to my own experiences instead of applying the simplistic solution of embracing my experience and unconditionally breathing through it without allowing myself to be influenced or defined by it. So – therefore I commit myself to practice the point of embracing my experiences instead of reacting to them.

(To be continued)

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166

Tags: Bernard Poolman, child-abuse, Desteni Cult, Desteni I Process, Equal Money Capitalism, fear of conflict, fear of parents fighting, Forgiveness, Internalizing conflict, Mind Movement Character, Physical body
3 Comments »

Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165

January 14, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog post I am continuing to write out self-forgiveness – to in fact forgive myself for creating and assuming for and as myself the Mind-Movement Character so that I can give myself back to myself as a clean slate, like wiping a piece of a puzzle clean so that what is left when all the puzzle pieces have been wiped, is a blank canvas – a wholeness that does not have to be split into one hundred pieces to be whole again. So in this blog post I am walking another piece of the puzzle of myself to purity.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Perceiving/Judging the body/self as limited because of the inability to move and subsequently feeling trapped because of it thus creating the desire to ‘escape’.

A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I realized that I could not move myself away from the environmental influences that I was reacting towards through an experience of stress and fear and uncomfortability inside myself, to turn my reaction inwards and create a judgmental conscious experience of and towards myself where I started experiencing irritation towards myself in perceiving my own physical body as a prison type of experience in concluding that because I can’t physically move myself away from what I experience inside myself there must be something ‘wrong’ with me through which I actually started perceiving my body as a threat to me in blaming my body for my experience because I blamed my experience on my inability to move myself physically – while in no way actually investigating where the experience I am feeling comes from to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and to create a judgment towards my body as being limited and imprisoning me inside myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how it is not my body that is limited – but how I am allowing myself to be influenced by and define myself according to environmental influences instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can simply breathe and remain stable within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to escape my physical body so as to escape the experience I’ve created inside myself through holding my physical body responsible for my experience through blaming my physical body for me being unable to move myself away from my experience, not seeing realizing or understanding that the inability of the body to move is not responsible for my experience as I have created my experience of myself through allowing myself to be influenced by my environment and invert the energy of stress, fear and conflict I experience in my environment inside myself and accordingly define myself according to it – and therefore I am responsible for my own experience as I am the one who has created it by and within myself

My beingness won’t get me anywhere

Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I judged and blamed my body for restricting me and limiting me, to in the same breath have disregarded and devalued myself as my body is myself and thus within and as that split myself inside myself annihilating my own body and thus myself essentially by blaming myself in and as separation from myself instead of simply realizing that I am the creator of my own experiences and therefore have the power and ability to change my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as I perceived and experienced that it was my body that was to blame for me not being able to move myself away from what I was experiencing inside myself, push myself away and turn myself away from myself in creating a split inside myself where I in fact came to see, define and experience myself as a threat to myself in and as separation from myself.

Thank you for walking with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165

Tags: Asphyxia, Bernard Poolman, Blame, Consciousness, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Ego (spirituality), Embrace (English band), Equal Money System, Forgiveness, Impunity, Perception, Physical body
1 Comment »

Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving-in-and-Giving-up Pattern: DAY 164

January 11, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog post I am writing out self-forgiveness on the first memory that I wrote out in my last blog post in the time-line of the development of the Mind-Movement character. For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Reacting to the environment – internalizing the external instability and conflict

I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically.

The acceptance of self as weak starts with the baby

And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move.

Within this – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution was not to move myself away from the noise and energy to prevent it from penetrating me, but to not accept or allow it to change or influence me and to instead remain stable within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I experienced that I could not move myself to accept myself as weak and as such because of and based on this have accepted and allowed myself to create a life-long pattern of caving in and giving in whenever I experience that I can’t move myself, mentally or physically away from something I experience as difficult through which I accept myself as weak

Thank you for walking with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving in and Giving up Pattern: DAY 164

Tags: baby fear, Bernard Poolman, child fear of sounds, child feeling overwhelmed, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Equal Money System
3 Comments »

Confessions of a Child: Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character: DAY 163

January 7, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog post I will continue with writing out the thought component of the Mind Movement Character that I started writing about on DAY 159. I will structure the writing of my self-forgiveness based on the writing I did on DAY 161 because I can see that in my last post on DAY 162 I threw myself into the deep end of the self-forgiveness regarding the thought image of shooting through the universe, but I did not contextualize my writing as structured or as specific as I see is the most assisting. What I mean is that as I wrote out the point on DAY 161 I mentioned a lot of different dimensions of the thought image as it originated in my childhood and then on DAY 162 I simply jumped right in the middle of all these without supplying myself with a structure. And I see how easy it then is to entangle oneself or not be specific enough with the information that one has extrapolated. So therefore I will here place some key points from the writing I did on DAY 161 that I will utilize to write self-forgiveness on the thought image of shooting through the universe away from the darkness and into the light. By the way, this specific image stems from a spiritual ‘inner journey’ I had on mushrooms a couple of years back where I saw this exact point in a psychedelic version, meaning I experienced myself literally shooting through the universe chasing a ‘light’ and deliberately avoiding a ‘darkness’. However I see that the practical ways through which this point has manifested in my life and how I’ve lived according to it, is much more relevant to write out, so that is what I will focus on.

For context, here are the posts I’ve been walking so far in this series on the Mind-Movement Character:

I am again basing my writing on the answer of the Q and A I shared in the first blog post where I am specifically focusing on the point of desiring ‘life’ as the mind and how I came to live as a slave to that desire.

“…you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you.”

So in my last blog post I started opening up in self-forgiveness on the point of allowing myself to be born into this world and perceive myself in and as the physical as a threat through which I created the desire for movement. I’ll continue here in chronological order with the time line of events. So these are the points I will be walking in and as a structured write-through. I am therefore also walking the components of the Mind-Movement character a little different than what has been suggested as I am in principle walking all of these dimensions only as part of the thought component of the entire Mind-Movement Character; however I see how several points might overlap. So I will simply begin with the context I have laid out here and see how to progress as I continue writing out the points. So I have basically written out a bullet point for each point on the time-line to which I have attached a memory or a description of the particular point of change that occurred.

Mind-Movement Character Time-Line

Reacting to the environment – internalizing the external instability and conflict
I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically.

The acceptance of Self in reverse
when I was a baby and I could not move myself away from the noise, that noise and chaos was produced by a world abdicated to the mind, produced by people abdicating their beingness to the mind. And so what I faced as a consequence from the first moment I was born into this world – like everyone else – and which I only registered in some form of awareness, was the fact that I have enslaved myself, in and as the physical – my own life-substance – to the mind.

The acceptance of self as weak starts with the baby
And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move.

Perceiving/Judging the body/self as limited because of the inability to move and subsequently feeling trapped because of it thus creating the desire to ‘escape’.
A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.

My beingness won’t get me anywhere
Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness

The alternative is that we die – or so we believe
Whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died.

I am the worst enemy to my own survival
I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.

Making the Choice to indulge in the world
And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options.

Demoting myself to non-existent
And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself.

‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ as the ‘solution’ to my survival
I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’.

What I want from the Mind is Life
that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself.

My People are My World
I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost.

How I defined Mind-Movement as Life
But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch.

The Mind is an escape from the Mind itself
And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison.

Memory – The 2 minute key chain
I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound

Memory – Quiet time for Mom
Then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.

Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence
As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.

Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it
in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.

The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character
This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs.

Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people
I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.

Making Mind-Movement into a Religion
We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

The return to Darkness is the road to Hell
And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.

In my next blog post I will continue with writing out self-forgiveness on the first of these dimensions.

Thank you for walking with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
* The Spirituality of the Snail
* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2
* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message
* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2
* Hell Spoof
* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty
* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step
* 2013 – The Future of Consciousness – Introduction
* Relationship Success Support – Introduction
* Quantum Systemization – Preview

Confessions of a Child: Time Line of The Mind Movement Character: DAY 163

Tags: being born, Bernard Poolman, Child, Child development, coming into the world, Consciousness, Desteni, Desteni I Process, Equal Money System, Forgiveness, Mind Movement Character, Speed of Light, Thought, Writing
4 Comments »

The Gift of Projection is a Self-Honest Mirror: 157

December 21, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

The last couple of days I have been writing my blogs by myself without publishing them. The point of self-forgiveness I will be sharing here is about reacting to something in another that is in fact about myself. I have continued and I will continue focusing on the point of accepting what comes up within and as the mind as real because that is an important point in terms of making the distinction and accordingly direct oneself to not participate in the thoughts, backchats and experiences that comes up. I also have and will continue to focus on the point of participation and who I am within how I participate in my world and my reality because that is definitely a primary point I am facing. So both of these points are integrated into and considered in the self-forgiveness I share here.

I am continuing from the following posts:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as a constant experience of anger towards another for not taking care of practical things the way that I see they should do so and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame and fear another for what I perceive as them being egotistical

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully integrate within to and as myself the understanding that when I react I am seeing myself and therefore when I react to what I perceive my another doing, I am actually reflecting my own relationship with myself onto another where I am the one that is egotistical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny the fact that specific actions I take and points I allow to exist within and as me is self-interested and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself in and as those points as though it doesn’t exist and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subsequently project who I am onto another as representing outside and separate from me and then go into an entire time loop of blaming and judging and being angry at them when in fact it is myself I am angry at

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and judge and blame myself for what I perceive as me being egotistical instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can only be angry at myself if I am in separation with myself, meaning that one part of me is looking at another part of me – because otherwise, I would simply see the point of self-compromise, abuse and deception and immediately move myself to self-correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not immediately move myself to self-correction and that I have instead bullied myself and bullied my another and been angry at myself within and as expecting more of myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I already know/knew that who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become in/as/through my abdication of myself to the mind and therefore when I see who I am in and as self-interest, it should not surprise me or bring me to judge myself because I already knew that this was who/what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be/become and thus the fact that I get angry at myself is showing me that I either have had expectations to myself that were self-delusional/deceptive in terms of denying who I’ve become as the mind and/OR that I am actually well aware of what I am doing and thus compromising myself deliberately in self-abdication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger, self-judgment and blame to deliberately manipulate myself and distract myself from actually doing what is required to be done within and as moving myself immediately to a point of correction and change where I through this emotional reaction take what I do personally as though ‘this is not who I am’ or ‘this is not whom I’m supposed to be’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that who and what I am in and as self-interest is exactly whom I’ve been since I abdicated myself to the mind and therefore I can’t really expect myself to be something else and as such I see how I’ve blown the point out of proportion in terms of deceiving myself into believing that I am a good and righteous human being

I see, realize and understand that I can only change myself through embracing myself in saying: “this is what is, this is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so be it – now I’ll change.” Meaning that it is not complicated – it is simply a matter of recognizing and accepting that this is so and then change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I get angry at myself because I am in and as self-deception and where the recognition of who I am in and as self-interest is seeing as ‘tainting’ towards my ‘self-righteous self’ meaning that part where I am pretending like I am not existing in self-interest SO that I can live in self-interest without standing responsible for the consequences of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself and to blame, judge and recent myself because I know that what I am accepting and allowing – in terms of not applying myself to the fullest of my capabilities – is not best for all not seeing, realizing or understanding that within and as judging, blaming and being angry at myself I am also tacitly implying and accepting that ‘this is who I am’ and that ‘I can’t change’ instead of simply and immediately as I see what it is I am accepting and allowing to be honest with/within/as myself and move to and within the simplicity of applying corrective action in terms of writing, self-forgiveness and directively changing my behavior through breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept ‘who I am’ within and as my participation in self-interest and deliberately not applying myself to the fullest of my potential and capabilities specifically through separating myself from myself and as such hiding from and within myself thus creating an internal conflict because I am living on a lie pretending that I am something that I am not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and deny myself as how and as who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live in terms of deliberately not applying myself to the fullest of my potential in making excuses and justifications and deceive myself to justify acting in self-honesty – so that I don’t have to face myself in self-honesty and so that I don’t have to stand accountable or self-responsible and so I don’t have to face the consequences and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that there is no way to escape consequences and suppressing oneself with only make a point grow in the shadows without one’s control because one has abdicated oneself to the point in refusing to take self-responsibility for oneself in and as it and have therefore made oneself less than the point which gives the point power over oneself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-control and direction to self-interest and backchat and desire for stimulation and fear through abdicating my self-responsibility for myself as that desires and fear and as such making myself less than the desire and fear thus giving it control over me and as me making it my directive principle and thus making myself a slave to fear and desire

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason why I have lived in self-interest and why I have not applied myself to the fullest of my potential, is because that is what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and because I separated myself from myself as the creator of myself and abdicated self-responsibility for accepting and allowing myself to live in self-interest, I made myself powerless towards self-interest and gave self-interest a ‘life of its own’ in spite of the fact that it was always just me here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that there is no practical, physical, common-sensical reason for me and that it is not normal to live according to self-interest as fear and desire where I am only directing myself according to the experiences and thoughts that comes up within me and where I’ve got absolutely no self-directive will or principled application as this way of living and this self that I’ve allowed and accepted myself to become is abusive and delusional and is destructive towards life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry, frustrated and to blame and judge another for what I perceive as them being egotistical and inconsiderate as acting in self-interest within and towards practical reality when in fact what I am doing is mirroring myself onto them as a reflected projection because if I were truly seeing who they were within and as their participation I would see them as an equal and I would be able to support them as an equal, but since I am taking their actions personally in creating a personal interpretation of their actions and intents and motives, what I am seeing and experiencing has nothing to do with the other person and only with myself as that which I am showing myself through the reflection I am projecting onto the other person

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

The Gift of Projection is a Self Honest Mirror: 157

Tags: Anger, Bernard Poolman, Blame, Day 21, Desteni, Desteni I Process, Equal Money System, Experience, Forgiveness, Mind, Perception, relationship
2 Comments »

Loyal to Fear as The Pimp of Lies: DAY 156

December 17, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

The blog post I am writing here is both a starting over and a rounding up of the points I’ve been writing about in my latest blog posts both here on the English blog and on my Danish blog.

I am continuing from the following posts:

What I have seen during the events that transpired during the last few weeks is how it is literally up to me to shape myself and how I will live. What I have seen is that nothing happens without my permission. And even if I partake in an automated pattern that I experience myself as being out of control within, it simply means that I have suppressed and denied the point of giving permission for myself to submit myself to this point – such as an addiction. Just as important I have seen that what is screwed up with an addiction for example is not so much the addiction itself, because that is often a point that can be practically sorted through changing habits and processing a change and stabilizing chemical relationships in the body. But what I realized is the most screwy is when I hold and live by values and principles that are not best for me, that are abusive towards myself and abusive towards others within some twisted religious brainwash. By religious I mean the way that people uncritically submit themselves to beliefs they accept to be higher than themselves and therefore they don’t even allow themselves to ask questions as to whether or not this is what is best or not. And that is called faith. I also got reminded and reminded myself that walking this process is utterly simplistic. It is simply a matter of doing it. By doing it I mean to do the things that is obvious common sense such as writing one’s blog every day and applying self-forgiveness and bringing oneself back to breath.

I also saw how easy it is to make oneself to go insane simply through participating in the mind. At some point during these weeks I literally started experiencing that I was going insane, meaning not as an expression of exaggeration but as an actual consequence of my mind possession and I could see how people turn themselves into vegetables and how the instigate permanent depression in themselves through thinking and backchat. I also saw exactly how and why there exists obese people who do nothing but eat and watch TV all day because I have that ‘gene’ or that personality inclination right here within and as myself. I saw how easy it is to drown oneself in apathy and depression and make the whole world revolve around oneself inside one’s own head. I saw how easy it is to make one’s entire world revolve around tiny insignificant points that one has blown completely out of proportion and have morphed and mutated to fit one’s twisted mental fantasies which always leads back to the utter banality of fear and self-interest, without a doubt or deviance.

We make up these entire ‘universes’ and ‘life stories’ inside ourselves that is so elaborate and detailed and filled with roles and characters and scenes and stories about who we are, about who others are and about the world and life – and the entire purpose with these ‘productions’ is for us to satisfy and submit to some banal fear and self-interest.

I have seen how fear cannot be trusted because how I can out of fear is not in the best interest of myself and this makes the most of my actions, words and deeds untrustworthy because they start with fear. However the specific point I am working with at the moment is the ‘level’ of taking responsibility in distinguishing between for example fear and common sense. Because as most people I’ve deceived myself extensively and manipulated myself using fear so I will experience fear as completely rational and reasonable. I will feel protected and cared for by fear. I see how this strongly resembles how sex-trafficked women might experience herself towards her pimp or captor in how she’s been brainwashed into believing first of all that she’s worth nothing and second of all that even worse dangers awaits her if she does not satisfy the pimp’s every need.

We will as human beings literally drive ourselves insane and go into catatonic states of being frozen to satisfy our own fear. We will abuse our physical bodies like literally torturing ourselves to satisfy fear. And what I saw is that I have created a relationship towards fear in separation much like the pimp/prostitute relationship I described above where I have been almost one hundred percent loyal to the fears that came up within me out of a belief that “if I give them what they want (they being the fear or the pimp), they will give me what I want and leave me alone.”

And so within this what I’ve seen is that when I then for example give into a resistance where I don’t push through, I had a positive energetic experience of feeling safe and protected because I did not have to face my fear or walk through it and in that I made a pact with fear and I was loyal to fear because fear ‘protected’ me from the things I feared. Lol – or that is the fuzzy logic of this. Because what actually happens is that one simply postpones and procrastinates the point of facing oneself and taking self-responsibility which is the ONLY point where one can in fact change and stop a particular fear or addiction or experience – and then one accumulates even more consequences and even more resistance and slowly but surely one’ll build up a mountain of fear that one uses to ‘protect’ oneself. But really what one is doing is simply accumulating fear. There is no purpose. It is a mental oxycontin that quickly wears out.

So I have started facing my fears, one by one. Because I could see and hear myself arguing for my fears inside myself in backchat and verbally out loud to someone else and I could see how insane it was that I was arguing against doing something that I in fact know is best for me so fervently. That must simply mean that there’s something completely screwy with my inner compass and operating system and that until I get that adjusted I literally can’t trust a word that comes out my mouth or inside my head as backchat and inner conversations. This is what starting over means. Because I have realized that I got to start with the ‘level’ of permission, the level where I deliberately act out of a misconstrued set of values and principles that primarily is based on feelings and emotions as well as the agendas of the mind at a systematic level.

I will be who I decide to be – and who I am now is as I have decided.

So I have made the decision to start over. I am making the decision to start over now. In my next blog post I will share self-forgiveness.

Thank you for walking-with.

In context to the topic of this blog I suggest watching the videos available on Youtube with Derren Brown. simply search for Derren Brown and loads of videos will come up. They are literally mind blowing.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Loyal to Fear as The Pimp of Lies: DAY 156

Tags: Bernard Poolman, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, EQAFE, Equal Money System, fear as brainwashing, Loyal to fear, Self-Responsibility, subject to fear, submitted to fear
1 Comment »

Back to Breath (Day 20 of 21) The Miss-Fitted Pariah: DAY 152

December 4, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

This is DAY 20 of my 21 days of bringing myself back to breath. In the next and the last post in this series I’ll do a sum-up of how these past 21 days have went. But in this post I will be walking a point that has come up today. For context of what I will be walking here, this post is relevant: The “Fat and Ugly” Truth of Me: DAY 18

For quite some time, basically since I turned 30 last year and subsequently gained a lot of weight and where my body has changed in terms of showing signs of ‘flaw’ that I’ve not experienced before – I’ve been experiencing many reactions towards my appearances. Since this is quite a huge (no pun intended) point, I am not going to walk all the dimensions here, but simply a specific point that is very current within my daily experiences. So basically since the weight gain, the age gain (lol) and the changes of my physical that I am sure are at least to some part, due to my preoccupation with and self-judgment towards my appearances, I’ve been pulling myself away from other people.

When I am standing in the elevator here at our house, I’ll for example often bow my head and look down into the floor in shame of ‘who I am’ as ‘how I look/appear’. Now this is in stark contrast to my general expression of being very outgoing and inviting towards other people. And so I’ve been more and more pulling myself into myself, not wanting to go out really or meet anyone because I feel ashamed and have branded myself as being ‘out of the game’ and ‘old’. I can muster up a hint of an expression when I am in a shop or at work, but it is nowhere near my usual expression. I am experiencing a constant underlying shame and self-judgment. And what I realized today through the assistance with questions from two Destonians is that I’ve been deliberately matching my expression to my self-judgment. Basically how I’ve reasoned the point within my mind is that ‘because I am now ‘old, ugly and fat’ I have to express myself accordingly’, ‘no one wants to speak with me’, ‘how would anyone want to speak with me?’ and I see that the more I’ve bowed down to this self-definition the more it has affected my actual physical appearances that are then matching how I resonate myself within my expression. So I’ve basically ‘resigned’ into accepting my ‘new role’ and have been busy aligning my expression accordingly.

Now – I’ve never been a super model, but I’ve used my looks to get attention from guys and I’ve flirted with just about every person that I’ve met and so this new role is very far from how I’ve expressed myself previously – except for the fact that I’ve always had this side and have had days and weeks on and off where I felt like an outsider and then simply stayed at home. But now it has more or less become a ‘permanent’ point explicitly and without a doubt because of my direct brainwashing of myself through participation in self-judging backchat and so the result has been that I experience a complete and utter resistance towards going out and meeting other people in any capacity except for the supermarket. It has not made it easier from a certain perspective that I am in a new country where I don’t know anyone anyways and where I don’t speak the language fluently enough to participate on ‘equal terms’ however I can also see how such a set-up is quite a perfect challenge, whereas had I been in the comfort-zone of my home country I could have simply gone to one of the places that I know and where I’ve been before and feel at least somewhat comfortable. But here – I have to start over completely from scratch. And I am not talking about building up a serious network of friends or a friend group, because it is not about that at all. It is about no longer submitting myself to my own self-judgment towards how my appearances apparently change who I am allowed to be and how I am allowed to express myself where I’ve directively suppressed my expression in fear and self-judgment. And then it is also so as to actually network and get to know people and interact with others so that we can all expand ourselves and learn from each other.

So today my partner suggested that I go to the library to work on my thesis. I’ve done it only once before, also upon suggestion from my partner, so as to utilize getting out of the house to discipline myself. But I experience a massive resistance towards it. I’ve judged myself as being too old at the university library and quickly try to eradicate myself into a corner in shame. I certainly did not speak to anyone and quickly went home again. So this is obviously a challenge I take upon myself. Another option I also see that is perhaps even more challenging is to partake in a contact-improvisation group that I was invited to last year. I’ve wanted to go since I was invited because I absolutely enjoy contact-impro. Basically it is like free dancing and moving where one goes in contact with others and amongst other things do lifts and jumps with each other and as such ‘transcends’ the normal conventions about how a body is supposed to behave and move. I’ve done it a couple of times before when I had drama classes, but I’ve experienced much fear and resistances towards doing it here, primarily based on the backchat that: “. They’re probably all skinny and who would want to dance with me? Probably no one, then I’ll be sitting ashamed in a corner. No one can lift me anyways. They probably don’t want me there anyway.” So this is a specific point where I’ve significantly limiting myself from doing something that I enjoy and that would be supportive for me – out of fear.

So here I’ll be applying self-forgiveness on this fear and this backchat and this resistance that I experience towards going out and I’ll continue in the following posts so as to ensure that I walk through this point. Because I see how utterly detrimental it is and I see very clearly how this is something I am doing to myself explicitly within bowing down to ideas in my mind about appearances. In the midst of writing this blog, I went to take a break to play with my cats and I listened to a video by Marlen Vargas Del Razo that assisted me greatly in placing the points I’ve mentioned here into a more profound context, namely in seeing how insane it is to be preoccupied with being ‘good enough’ for the system while in fact the system that one is so desperately longing to be a part of is in fact founded upon abuse and therefore what one is diminishing oneself within is bowing down to and honoring an abusive system. This is quite similar to couples in an abusive relationship where the one partner will have the other so brainwashed that they’ll say sorry or thank you when they’re being beaten and are thus equally responsible in perpetuating the abusive situation. So this is definitely an important point that I’ll be including and expanding myself within as I walk these points.

SELF-FORGIVENESS:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept within and as myself that because I have gained weight and are now positioning physically within the ‘big girls’ department in the clothing store that who I am has changed and that I am now less worthy of living and existing and expressing myself than I was when I was positioned within a physical measurement of shopping in the ‘normal people’ department and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define the fact that I now have to shop for clothes in a completely different department as a HUGE change in my life and in who I am because I’ve taken it personally in perceiving and interpreting that I’ve been outcast from the ‘normal people’s world’ to a shameful corner of the world that is the ‘big girls’ – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how this division of the size departments is utterly absurd and unnecessary to begin with and only has been designed as such to perpetuate the separation and difference between ‘normal size’ people and ‘fat people’ so as to provide the normal size people with the ‘freedom’ from having to worry about whether they are fat through seeing big sizes next to their normal sizes and how it is sending a signal to obese people that there is something wrong with them or to pity them in a misconstrued ‘empowerment’ calling the department where the bigger size clothes are located for ‘generous’ or ‘big is beautiful’ – instead of simply letting all the clothes hang next to each other without creating a division between the sizes. I see realize and understand however how it is me myself who have taken this division personally because I’ve already created that division and separation within and as myself and therefore the division of the clothes departments is merely reflecting my own shame and self-judgment and separation back to myself and is in fact not responsible for creating these experiences within me. So when and as I go to the clothing shop and I go to the department with the bigger sizes I simply do that as a practical point and when and as I see that I am creating an experience within myself and are back chatting in my mind within and as taking the division between the departments personally – I stop and I breathe and I continue shopping as a practical point of self-support, because obviously I have to wear clothes that actually fit as that is the primary purpose with clothes. So I commit myself to stop perpetuating the division that I’ve created and imagined in my mind between obese people and everyone else, where I’ve cornered and outcast obese people and therefore myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to classify myself in my mind as an ‘obese person’ as something that I am that defines me and the totality of me and my being and that significantly diminishes my value as a human being in this world and as a woman in particular where combined with a definition of myself as being ‘old’ within having turned 30 – I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being a complete loser who is embarrassing and shameful and should not even be allowed to walk the streets because I am apparently shameful for society and for the young skinny righteous people to whom apparently the world belongs as I too experienced for a fleeting moment in my twenties and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – partly – base this definition and acceptance of myself as being completely shamed out and cast out because of my weight and my age – on my own judgments towards other women (and men) who fit the same description of being aged and obese and how I’ve seen, defined and judged them as disgusting and embarrassing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when I see a woman who is obese to immediately put her down in my mind and deliberately look at the fatness of her legs, arms, stomach and face and within myself in sheer joy of spitefulness look at her in disgust and want her to receive my disgust and feel like shit and feel squashed and ashamed and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify this spitefulness within me by saying to myself that ‘she should know better’, ‘it’s her own fault that she’s fat’, ‘she’s a disgusting pig’, ‘she should have better self-control that pig’ and within and as this in my mind totally and completely diminish and break down this human being in my mind – which I am now facing equally as one within and as myself – and of course it’s always only been about myself and how I relate myself to/within/as the system

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as the person with the skinny to normal body weight and mass to when and as I diminish a person that is obese in my mind to see myself as righteous within and as defining myself as good because I exercise and eat what I consider as being healthy and therefore within this judge and define the other human being as ‘wrong’ and ‘unhealthy’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the utter absurdity and self-deception within and as how I am the one being evil and spiteful in my mind towards this human being, whose only ‘crime’ is that they are overweight which they could be for any number of reasons and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how my strong reaction towards obese people is in fact due to the fact that I within them are reflecting my own over-consumption and greed which I’ve happily suppressed and pretended like does not exist while I am busy shopping for my next vegan oatmeal cookie or my next swimsuit and in fact exist as exactly that which I judge the person who is obese for: having no self-control, being unhealthy, being self-responsible for having allowed myself to become greedy and over-consuming, everything that I judge a person that is obese for – are in fact traits within and as myself that I’ve separated myself from and refused to face and it is therefore I want the obese people to be outcast, so that I don’t have to be confronted with my own over-consumption, greed and lack of self-control because then I can continue with it while pretending that what I accept and allow has no consequences – which is exactly what people that are obese have come to represent.

Okay – I’ll go up to here for now with this explosive topic and I’ll continue in my next post with the specific self-forgiveness statements on these points.

Thanks for walking-with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Suggest reading Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

Back to Breath (Day 20 of 21) The Miss Fitted Pariah: DAY 152

Tags: ashamed of being fat, Big and beautiful, Desteni, Desteni I Process, Equal Money System, Fat woman, Heaven, List of peace activists, Obese, obese and proud, self-empowerment
4 Comments »

Back to Breath (Day 7 of 21) Chasing Projections: DAY 139

November 7, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

In this blog I’ll continue opening up the cognitive distortion of chasing after projections and the solution of slowing down within the context of bringing myself back to breath, that I started opening up in the previous blog. A point to consider as well is that the mind is a cognitive distortion in itself and cognition in the form of mind-based interpretations of reality are distortive per definition – which is what I am here to correct and also so that my participation in practical reality is not based on interpretations, but on actual seeing and living and being, which is the difference between directive breathing and moving myself and existing through interpretations of the mind.

Because when I exist based on interpretations of the mind, what I see, who I am and even what I do, is distorted by the interpretations of the mind as I accept these as showing me what is real, who I am, what to do and how to feel. These cognitive distortions as thoughts, backchat and reactions are also based on the past, where I formed relationships TO actual reality, myself and others and thus created a separate, distorted reality in my mind that I then acted according to and accepted as ‘who I am’ based on – instead of living according to the direct feedback and equations of physical reality directly.

This is Day 7 of my 21 day walk back to Breath. Suggest to read the previous posts before reading this post for context of what I will be walking:

21 DAY Commitment: (Day 1) Bringing Myself Back to Breath: DAY 133

Back to Breath (Day 2 of 21) MY “ME” IS MADE OF MEMORIES: DAY 134

Back To Breath (Day 3 of 21) There is only Room for One Here: DAY 135

Back To Breath (Day 4 of 21) Deliberate Cognitive Distortions: DAY 136

Back to Breath (Day 5 of 21) Social Engineered Mind Authority: DAY 137

Back to Breath (Day 6 of 21) Getting Off The Mental Hamster Wheel: DAY 138
Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant state of anxiety and stress because I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this experience as ‘who I am’ as something that is ‘normal’ – based on a justification that I’ve created for myself as based on a belief and an idea of ‘who I am’ where I’ve justified my experience of anxiety for myself as ‘natural’ and thus acceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify for myself creating, participating within and as a constant state of anxiety as ‘natural’ as the mean that justifies the goal based on the belief that I am simply not good enough and that I must do and be better and as such that the anxiety that I experience is justified because of it – instead of me actually questioning in detail my acceptance of myself as not good enough and the want/need/desire to do and be better and thus not having to create and go into a state of anxiety based on a belief and idea about ‘who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have interpreted my constant experience of anxiety as a ‘motivation to change’ and as such also within and as that have confirmed, validated, endorsed and accentuated the belief and idea that I am not good enough and that I must be and become better as I’ve used the experience of anxiety to incite my experience of not being good enough and thus justify it as real and valid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me chasing after projections in my mind about ‘who’ and ‘how’ I should be through which I incite myself into an experience of constant anxiety, is completely justified within and as insisting on the fact that “I am just not good enough, so I must become better” where I’d take something I’ve done or not done that I see is not acceptable or self-dishonest and instead of immediately bringing the point to practical correction in taking responsibility for who I allowed myself to be, instead manipulate myself into an experience of not being good enough – through which I don’t actually direct myself to correct the point, because I am now consumed with emotions and thoughts about not being good enough, focusing on this point of chasing the ‘good enough’ in my mind – instead of actually focusing on how to correct myself in my physical, practical participation

Because see – the point is not that what I did not did not do does not have to be corrected, in most cases it does and that is what I see. But then instead of stepping immediately into that point of correction, I take the point personally and define my entire being and process according to it – which I see serves the purpose of actually postponing the point of correcting myself – which is of course self-compromise and self-sabotage through self-manipulation. If I for example have not written my blog one day, I’ve then started feeling bad about it and started thinking what an idiot I am because I don’t have the discipline to write my blog and then I’d look at others who do post their blog every day and start comparing myself to them, thinking that I should be like them and the fact that I am not, shows what an idiot I am (or evil or stupid or just not good enough in general as a being) and then my entire focus would be on how I am not good enough and should be better.

But within this I would not even go to the point of making the commitment to write every day and even if I did, it would be from this perspective of getting this monkey off my back of feeling like shit – and not based on actual self-direction, which is then the point of chasing projections like: “I should post a blog every day, if I don’t post a blog every day, I am doomed, what will people think when they see that I don’t post a blog every day, she posts a blog every day, oh my god, she is SO much better than me, see how everyone respects her, why is it so easy for her…” and what I would then NOT do, is actually go back to the point and have a look in self-honesty at the decision I made to not post my blog – through which I could in fact enable myself to correct myself and change. So in chasing projections, we’re actually also chasing reality away and are not giving ourselves a chance to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have used the point of chasing after projections and the subsequent experience of anxiety and feeling inadequate and not good enough, to justify postponing/resisting and not directing the point of actually facing myself in self-honesty and correcting myself in my practical living application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have manipulated myself through and within and as self-victimization within and as the experience of anxiety towards not being good enough and the belief that I have to be and do better, because I have equated and associated the experience of not being good enough with being a victim and thus with not being responsible for who I am, what I do within and as defining victimhood as something that is beyond one’s own control and thus someone else’s fault and responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame, judge and hate myself for not being good enough – based on an idea and belief about whom and what I should be, instead of seeing the point of not good enough as a practical point that can and is required to be directed by me to correct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not good enough at something specific, it means that I am not good enough at all and that this is permanent and irrevocable, instead of seeing and approaching each point I face and where I for example see that I was being self-dishonest within a point of application, to simply correct myself within that point – realizing, seeing and understanding that my actions are based on who I accept and allow myself to be and that it is who I accept and allow myself to be that I will be – and that this does not mean that I can’t and require changing who I accept and allow myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with hate, judgment, spite and blame towards myself when I see that I am not living my full potential – where I based my perception of ‘full potential’ on an idea about ‘who I could and should be’ instead of as a practical point of self-movement and self-direction based on the point of understanding how changing oneself requires absolute consistent application and dedication

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to chase after projections in/through my mind that I superimpose onto my practical participation for example within actual physical rushing or placing myself deliberately in situations where I believe I manifest myself as these projections – that are based on comparison and competition, either with an idea about myself in the past and/in the future or with others who I’ve made representing my idea about myself in the past and in the future – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that walking this process of becoming an honorable, trustworthy, respectable, stable human being does not have anything to do with ideas or projections in my mind as these are based on/as cognitive distortions as ideas about ideals and processes and relationships – all coming from myself as ‘ego’ as that part of and as me that I’ve let direct me through existence as the desire to ‘make more out of me’ – as the only incentive to move or change myself in any way what so ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the projections I am chasing in/through/as the mind about who I want/need/desire to be and the idea and belief about who I should be – has absolutely nothing to do with the process of walking myself out of the mind and walking for/as all in changing ourselves into beings that live in a way that is best for all – as that which exist in/as/of the mind exist FOR the mind and I forgive myself thus that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the ‘process’ I am seeing within and as and through the mind is in fact not real, but for what it reflects back to me as that which I’ve accepted myself as – in and as the mind.

(I will continue with these self-forgiveness statements in my next blog post)

Thanks for walking-with!

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

Back to Breath (Day 7 of 21) Chasing Projections: DAY 139

Tags: Bernard Poolman, chasing projections, Cognitive Distortion, Desteni Group, Desteni I Process, Living in the Past, Self-Deception, self-manipulation, Self-Sabotage
8 Comments »

Back to Breath (Day 6 of 21) Getting Off The Mental Hamster Wheel: DAY 138

November 7, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

Why do we get stuck in a Mental Hamsterwheel? How can we step out of the Infinite Loops of Delusion in our Minds? Why do we Rush through Life? And why Slow down?

This is Day 5 of my 21 day walk back to Breath. Suggest to read the previous posts before reading this post for context of what I will be walking:

21 DAY Commitment: (Day 1) Bringing Myself Back to Breath: DAY 133

Back to Breath (Day 2 of 21) MY “ME” IS MADE OF MEMORIES: DAY 134

Back To Breath (Day 3 of 21) There is only Room for One Here: DAY 135

Back To Breath (Day 4 of 21) Deliberate Cognitive Distortions: DAY 136

Back to Breath (Day 5 of 21) Social Engineered Mind Authority: DAY 137

Today I had a chat with my Desteni I Process (DIP) buddy. The DIP buddy is a person who walks with you through-out the DIP course and has regular chats about one’s process and the walking of the course in general. This is a tremendous support as one walk one’s daily participation and often do not ‘see the wood for the trees’ and so it is cool that there is someone who has dedicated themselves to walking-with and who can assist with bringing whatever point one is walking back to practicality – and back to breath.

The chat I had with my buddy today was one of such chats. Not a lot of words were exchanged, nor were they needed. The point that came up was obvious – so simplistically obvious, yet in that moment I did not see them for myself and as such I am grateful that my buddy was here to walk-with me and assist me in stopping up and giving myself a moment to breathe. A lot of points I am facing at the moment, are outshoots of this particular point that again links back to the point I am walking in these blogs of bringing myself back to breath.

My buddy (lol – typo: body) assisted me to see how I am participating in a projected idea, where I am constantly pushing myself to match this idea and because of that exist in a constant state of anxiety. When she said this, a ‘bubble’ burst inside me and I experienced a ‘release’.

When I say that it was an experience, it is thus not yet a self-directed decision of letting go, but more something that happened automatically. I’ve experienced this many times when supported by Destonians where they literally walk-with me in a moment where I am not walking-with myself and in that moment, I ‘meet’ myself or come back to myself – in this case, came back from the high-strung rush to reach this fucking ideal in my mind, that, the more I chase after it, the more it eludes me to ‘higher’ and ‘higher’ levels, where I experience myself becoming smaller and smaller yet do not try to stop chasing it, because I’m consumed within this chase to ‘reach to the top’. So I met myself. I came down to earth for a moment and was assisted in bringing myself back to breath.

It does not cease to surprise me how obvious points can be and how ‘thickheaded’ I can be, literally walking around in a wetsuit filled with water, not understanding why I feel so wet and heavy. Lol – it is like that. In and through this point of chasing the projection, I also experience a constant feeling of inadequacy and being not good enough. This point – as it is so constant – is obviously also a major reason of why I am not breathing effectively, however it is also because I am not breathing effectively, that I even accept and allow myself to begin chasing projections in the first place. Because as I’ve learned through walking these blogs, if one is breathing effectively – there’s no ‘room’ for bullshit. There can thus also only be room for bullshit, if one is not breathing effectively. The question would then be, as I’ve asked in a previous blog: why am I prioritizing existing in and as a ‘space’ made up of bullshit? And so the solution is so utterly simplistic: I need to sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooow dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn.

Slowing down does not mean that I will be less effective, because I’ve seen clearly for myself that the more I try to rush to chase the projected idea of myself in my mind, the less effective I actually become. And when I slow down – direct myself here, in one point of participation at a time, nice and steady, consistent – I move at pace where I can ‘keep up’ with myself, which means that I am walking-with – and not in front of or behind myself, trying to run from and to ideas about ‘who I am’ in my mind.

The more I chase, the less I achieve and then I chase more and the result is a massive build-up of anxiety, frustration and emotions and from there ‘its anyone’s game’ in terms of possible possessions and experiences I might go into. And so the more I try to be more, the less I actually experience myself as. So now I am going to make a commitment to stop rushing and to slow myself down.

And this chat with my buddy assisted me to see this – which is of tremendous value, because how many of us are not running around in mental hamster-wheels, in infinite circles that simply does not stop because we’ve created a loop – a literal loop – that can last weeks, months, years and life-times, if something or someone does not come along and say: “Hey! You do realize that this hamster wheel you’re running around in, is not real and that you can in fact step out at any time right?”

And so I am grateful to the people who are walking-with in this process, as each walk by themselves, as I am the only one who can make the decision to stop the hamster wheel in self-honesty, and together as we walk together and can assist and support each other to stop and breathe and ask ourselves those questions through which we can dissolve the delusional mazes of the mind.

I will continue writing out self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements of application on this point of rushing in chasing after projections in my next blog.