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Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

February 17, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

Silence Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172In this blog I am writing out the final self-forgiveness statements on the series about the mind-movement character and in the following blogs I will write out the final self-corrective statements. Subsequently I will begin a new series about relationships. So stay tuned.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Memory – The 2 minute key chain

I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as I was asked by a kindergarten teacher to sit down and make a key chain, to experience this as a punishment and that I had to sit down because they did not like me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I even heard that I had to sit down, to experience anxiety and discomfort within and as myself and an experience of physical irritation as feeling jittery when I saw my friends moving about and I experienced fear of missing out which was actually me resisting being here with and within my own physical body in stillness and silence as that which I was ‘running’ from as I had decided to stay in constant ‘movement’.

Memory – Quiet time for Mom

then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as my mom told me to be quiet to take it personally and react as though I was bad and not good enough because of my ‘lively’ expression – which was actually a cover up for the fact that I feared being silent, being still because I knew that within and as silence and stillness I would face myself as the darkness of my human physical body and that was what I was running away from

Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence

As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards laying in bed at night in silence and darkness because that darkness and silence reminded me of that first reaction to the darkness and silence of being inside my physical body and how I reacted to the fact that I could not move myself out of my body or away from the reactions I was experiencing – which ultimately is what brought me to fantasizing at night before I went to sleep, creating an incubator for backchat

fear being alone by ladylarks Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be petrified of being alone at night in the darkness and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to come up with ideas about witches and monsters that I would fear when in fact what I feared was nothing but the silence and darkness of myself – it was in fact nothing but myself I feared

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insist that I need to have my mom sitting by myself when I am about to fall asleep and when my mom refused to sit there I insisted to have audio cassettes to fall asleep to, to have constant and continuous sound and noise drowning out the silence of my own beingness instead of pushing myself to embrace myself and face myself and investigate the experience of fear I have towards silence and darkness inside myself – all of which has now become automated through the processes of back chat and imagination

Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it

in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘mind-movement character’ that I have created a point of positive identification towards where I have experienced pride towards being someone that is constantly moving around as I now have come to cement and substantiate that this is who I am and who I identify myself as

The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character

This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I accepted and allowed myself to develop and identify myself as a ‘moving’ character to develop the character even further where I developed a desire and need for constant movement and speed – where from a survival mechanism that was a reaction to fear I made it into a positive character for example through actively participating in imagination and visualization where I became completely obsessed with being part of the world and having experiences and basically turning myself inside out

Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people

I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.

4159633736 bcfd0fc569 z Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define, value and experience ‘life’ as ‘being in the world’ and ‘being part of the world’ specifically as going out and moving oneself in the system specifically turning myself inside out and only ever focusing on what is outside of me and what comes in from the outside and not what is inside of me

Making Mind-Movement into a Religion

We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make mind-movement into a religion where I have made my entire life about turning myself inside out and focusing on everything that is outside myself and putting things and experiences back into myself and not at all or in any way remain inside myself

The return to Darkness is the road to Hell

And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how what I am fearing – what I’ve feared all my life is in fact the return of myself to myself, to the darkness and silence of my human physical body that I’ve attempted to run away from my entire life, not seeing, realizing or understanding how it is me — and how I’ve been here all along and how what I’ve been avoiding to face all along is the responsibility of directing myself, of deciding who I am and of within that embracing myself in realizing that I am the one that decides who I am – which also means that I can change myself

(In the next post I will continue with self-corrective statements.)

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

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Consumer Zombie Survival Tips: How To Ressurect Your Happiness Machine: DAY 169

January 29, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

IMAG0472 001 879x1024 Consumer Zombie Survival Tips: How To Ressurect Your Happiness Machine: DAY 169A couple of days ago, my partner and I went to the bed-supply store to get new cover mattresses for our bed. The reason being that I am allergic to dust and for the last few months I’ve woken up every morning with allergies. And since we bought our bed second hand I have wanted to buy new mattresses to see if this could assist with my allergies. Now – before getting to the part about how to perform CPR on our inner consumer zombies how and bring ourselves back to life, there is one point I’d like to share. But if you can’t wait, I’ve placed a suggestion at the bottom of the post.

I’ve always had simplistic beds, a box mattress or something. Now we’ve upgraded to a ‘grown up’ bed. And apparently it is not enough with a bed frame and a mattress. No sir, you need cover mattresses and even covers for those mattresses because as the lady in the store explained, they prefer if you don’t wash them. So we got those. And then you need one set of sheets for the bottom mattress and another special kind of sheet for your new top mattress. And there are 17.000 different kinds of sheets and mattresses and I’ve actually looked around in the store on several previous occations where I got so totally confused by all these different sheets and mattresses that I left. But not this time.

And we don’t even have all the other kinds of fancy stuff that I’ve seen in American movies with bedspreads and bedposts and pillows you never use but put up and down the bed constantly and this little wall behind the bed I don’t get the purpose of. Phew.

And you know what? This is all one big bed-product scam. Who the fuck needs all these sheets and specialized mattresses to fit the right sheets? No one. Besides those who profit from it. The bed-product-scam-artists. That’s who. I would really enjoy being able to have one mattress with one sheet but I do get the point to a certain extent of who everyone’s needs are different and how it is cool to be able to wash the top mattress if it gets dirty. But still. It is a little overkill on the bed-product-inventions. Now you can’t even buy bedding without having to have a Ph.D. in the different kinds of linen that exist. And of course I got the wrong one. I could get three of the corners of one of the sheets I bought to fit, but the fourth corner just wouldn’t stick to the mattress. Luckily for me I bought two sheets.And as such is the modern day fairytale of the princess on the pea. It’s all about the money.

Anyways – back to the survival tips for consumer zombies:

So as we were in the shop and had gotten our stuff, in a smash-and-grab find of fashion, I happened to walk by the duvet-cover section of the store, which happened to be located right next to the check-out counter and therefore hard to miss, not unlike the candy section in the supermarkets. And there they were all the pretty little duvet-covers and pillow-covers. Oh my! In all colors and even a special Easter selection in oranges and yellows. I was smitten. As a matter of fact I had felt the desire for the duvet-covers even before we left for the store, but I am only realizing that now that I am bearing my confession here. So I came to the stop to buy bed products (which I needed at a practical level because of my allergies) and I felt an ‘urge’ to buy duvet covers (Which I did not practically need as we already have fully functional duvet covers, albeit in different colors).

I bought the duvet covers and as we were walking out of the shop I realized that I had, as I looked at the covers, (which I realize now was even before I ever saw them) I had seen an image of my bed with the covers on in the future, as though buying these duvet covers would provide me with a totally new life or life experience, the duvet covers representing a ‘perfect life’ with ‘perfect duvet covers’, like DUH! Lol. So I applied self-forgiveness as we walked home as I have been writing about my ‘money character’ over the last few months in my Danish blog, I’ve realized how extensively we are affected by advertisements. Because check it: Somewhere along the way I’ve seen that commercial over and over, you know the commercial or the billboard ad with the perfectly made bed and the perfect couple laughing with perfect white teeth. But then as I applied self-forgiveness I realized that the duvet covers are simply duvet covers, something that serves a practical purpose and thus if I am buying it to get an experience or a better life, then I am buying a lie. I am literally paying money to life on a lie.

I’ll share here some of the self-forgiveness that I’ve written in my Danish blog that I’ve translated to give further perspective on this point.

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself not to see, realize and understand how I have embedded the images I’ve seen in commercials and ads into me through fantasies where I’ve created desire and a want to have what I think is in the advertising image, like seeing a happy couple on a beach, for example, as though it is a real image of a real couple while the image is in fact connected to certain fantasies through suggestive impulses such as words, that people then integrate into themselves or try to squeeze themselves into the image and thus I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can actually push myself into advertising images and therefore have been disappointed and feel inferior when I cannot like I don’t fit the image – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the reason why I can’t fit into an image is because I am alive and real in the flesh while the image is a picture as a snapshot and a still that is not actually alive

IMAG0470 002 879x1024 Consumer Zombie Survival Tips: How To Ressurect Your Happiness Machine: DAY 169And I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to believe that the only way I can get that which the picture represents, as a fantasy or a dream, is by buying the product the image is advertising for and thus I forgive myself for have allowed and accepted myself to have allowed me to be controlled 100% by the suggestiveness of the advertising images I see to such an extent that I no longer notice how I do not buy the products I buy from free will but only from the fantasies based on advertising images I have seen as I have simply integrated these into me without even being aware of what I am doing

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself secretly desire to have an elitist life with lots of money and it comes with having lots of money as expensive cars, clothes and food, and I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to secretly fantasize about being rich and how being rich would change my perception of myself and how wonderful life would be if I were rich

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to believe that having money would make me happy and would change me as a person because I have believed that the pictures I’ve seen that would become reality if I just bought the products and thus I could get the life that I saw in the pictures, instead of seeing, realize and recognize that the images simply played on my fantasies and my fantasies used the images to be stimulated but none of it was real

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to have created a fantasy of seeing my partner and I (a fantasy partner that looks like a tall dark haired business man) comes out of a big car in a parking space at a supermarket where I also look like a completely different person, a tall dark-haired supermodel woman – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that if only I had enough money I would be able to live the fantasy out – instead of actually stop and slow down inside me and see, realize and understand that this fantasy is based on a picture that I have seen in an add mingled with an actual memory where I was standing at a supermarket and saw a couple like those in the image in my head who displayed the attitude I saw and the clothes they had on and so thought was happy advertising picture people

Thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I wanted the image-fantasy to be real, so I superimposed it onto the couple I saw on the parking lot coming out of the car and thus only saw what I wanted to see in a snapshot moment that I then integrated into me and used to fuel the fantasy of becoming rich while I did not in any way take the time to look at or observe the real human beings – all I saw was my fantasy

And within this, I also forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that just because there are people who are able to copy the images from the advertisements – does not mean that the people from the advertisements and thus their perfect life, really exist – because the people who are able to copy such ads are only seen as snapshots too, for example in the supermarket parking lot – which means that one does not see them in their everyday life, which even for the richest person on the planet – is not pretty or picture perfect

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself not to see, understand and understand that there is absolutely no connection between the images and fantasies and actually lives like there’s no connection is between purchasing products to achieve the life that is shown a picture – it’s all a big lie.

So how to stop being a consumer zombie? Next time you feel the ‘urge’ to buy a product, stop for a moment and have a look inside yourself: did an image pop up in your mind right before the urge came up, where you saw yourself in the future with the product + connected to an energetic experience of for example ‘happiness’ or ‘freedom’ or ‘adventure’ or ‘comfort’ or ‘success’? Then you can have a look at where you’ve seen this image before, for example in an advertisement. Realize that you’ve integrated that image into your mind and have connected the image to the product to the expectation of a certain experience, which is what makes you want to buy the product. Also remind yourself how, as soon as you’ve bought the product it becomes ‘part of you’ or part of your life and soon loses its promise of a new life experience. Then also realize that the only one thing that can change how you experience yourself is yourself. Advertisers prey on our addiction to images because that’s what we pay them for. To sell us a lie. Then one can simply change one’s relationship to buying products to a practical one of considering what one requires in the moment and whether it is best to purchase a certain product. Simplistic. For more support and perspectives join us at the Desteni forum.  For extended context to the point of what it means to be a consumer zombie and how we’ve become consumer zombies, I recommend watching the Century of the Self documentary.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

 

 

 

 

 

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Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165

January 14, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

igor morski 04 Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165In this blog post I am continuing to write out self-forgiveness – to in fact forgive myself for creating and assuming for and as myself the Mind-Movement Character so that I can give myself back to myself as a clean slate, like wiping a piece of a puzzle clean so that what is left when all the puzzle pieces have been wiped, is a blank canvas – a wholeness that does not have to be split into one hundred pieces to be whole again. So in this blog post I am walking another piece of the puzzle of myself to purity.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Perceiving/Judging the body/self as limited because of the inability to move and subsequently feeling trapped because of it thus creating the desire to ‘escape’.

A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I realized that I could not move myself away from the environmental influences that I was reacting towards through an experience of stress and fear and uncomfortability inside myself, to turn my reaction inwards and create a judgmental conscious experience of and towards myself where I started experiencing irritation towards myself in perceiving my own physical body as a prison type of experience in concluding that because I can’t physically move myself away from what I experience inside myself there must be something ‘wrong’ with me through which I actually started perceiving my body as a threat to me in blaming my body for my experience because I blamed my experience on my inability to move myself physically – while in no way actually investigating where the experience I am feeling comes from to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and to create a judgment towards my body as being limited and imprisoning me inside myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how it is not my body that is limited – but how I am allowing myself to be influenced by and define myself according to environmental influences instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can simply breathe and remain stable within and as myself

tommybabinbenzene 1024x1024 Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to escape my physical body so as to escape the experience I’ve created inside myself through holding my physical body responsible for my experience through blaming my physical body for me being unable to move myself away from my experience, not seeing realizing or understanding that the inability of the body to move is not responsible for my experience as I have created my experience of myself through allowing myself to be influenced by my environment and invert the energy of stress, fear and conflict I experience in my environment inside myself and accordingly define myself according to it – and therefore I am responsible for my own experience as I am the one who has created it by and within myself

My beingness won’t get me anywhere

Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I judged and blamed my body for restricting me and limiting me, to in the same breath have disregarded and devalued myself as my body is myself and thus within and as that split myself inside myself annihilating my own body and thus myself essentially by blaming myself in and as separation from myself instead of simply realizing that I am the creator of my own experiences and therefore have the power and ability to change my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as I perceived and experienced that it was my body that was to blame for me not being able to move myself away from what I was experiencing inside myself, push myself away and turn myself away from myself in creating a split inside myself where I in fact came to see, define and experience myself as a threat to myself in and as separation from myself.

Thank you for walking with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving-in-and-Giving-up Pattern: DAY 164

January 11, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

409489 309930959044008 219034844800287 791246 1963943538 n1 Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving in and Giving up Pattern: DAY 164In this blog post I am writing out self-forgiveness on the first memory that I wrote out in my last blog post in the time-line of the development of the Mind-Movement character. For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Reacting to the environment – internalizing the external instability and conflict

I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a baby and small child react to my environment by accepting and allowing stress to exist within and as me as I have accepted and allowed myself to let the energies I pick up on in my body into myself and have allowed the energetic instability and conflict to influence the stability and substance of my beingness through which I began internalizing the instability and stress and started accepting it as myself from which and where I eventually became this instability and stress as I accepted it as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I reacted to in my environment was primarily stimuli as smells and sounds when in fact what I reacted to the most, was energies.

The acceptance of self as weak starts with the baby

And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move.

BY 54M 1024x1024 Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving in and Giving up Pattern: DAY 164I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to physically move myself away from the external influence I was experiencing as a baby affecting me, but because I could not move myself I tried again and again over a period of time and when I could not move myself at all – because there was no conscious realization, I simply could not move myself away from the influence, I accepted it and I accepted myself as a weak

Within this – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution was not to move myself away from the noise and energy to prevent it from penetrating me, but to not accept or allow it to change or influence me and to instead remain stable within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I experienced that I could not move myself to accept myself as weak and as such because of and based on this have accepted and allowed myself to create a life-long pattern of caving in and giving in whenever I experience that I can’t move myself, mentally or physically away from something I experience as difficult through which I accept myself as weak

Thank you for walking with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162

January 5, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

chakra energy healing1 1024x1024 Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162In this blog post I am continuing from the previous blog post where I expanded on the thought/image as the foundation of the Mind Movement Character of shooting through the universe in pursuit of light/noise and away from darkness/silence and how this correlates specifically to my experiences as a child with becoming a self-conscious mind-entity through deliberately splitting myself inside myself running away from darkness and into ‘the light’ of the mind.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the previous blog posts I’ve walked thus far:

Another memory has popped up: When I was approximately 3 or 4 years old, more likely 4, I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound. I think it was the first time also where I had to do something I did not want to do in the kindergarten or it was at least not an ordinary moment. I clearly remember how it was a case of the teachers having had ‘enough’ – perhaps for their own sake but also in terms of how I was moving myself and they decided to teach me a lesson. Because I would normally select an activity with highest possible movement, either being outside or in a pillow room or playing house. I never ever opted to sit down doing something quiet. So I had to sit on my butt and produce a key chain. And the clearest part of the memory that I recall the best is when I was squirming and complaining that I did not want to sit there and the teacher said: “You only have to sit there for two minutes.” And I asked her how long two minutes was. And she showed me on a clock on the wall or on her arm, I don’t remember. But I remember that it felt like it lasted forever. And I don’t know if I simply reflected upon it or if we talked about it, but I thought about how weird it was that two minutes could go by too fast where one would want to stretch them out and then like this where it felt like it lasted forever. It gave time a weird elasticity and abstractness.

Then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long. And in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy. So when I speak about this mind-movement character it is in no way symbolic – it is absolutely literal. And then as an adolescent I retracted into myself or inverted the mind-movement into me, so that I stopped acting it out as much physically as I started suppressing in a different way, amongst other things through drugs and TV.

So hereby I explained a little more of the nature of the Mind Movement character as I have constructed it. I will return to this in a later blog post. However I will now return to the point of writing out self-forgiveness in context to the thought/image and the specific related experiences I wrote about in my last blog post. I will walk this as chronologically as is practically possible, starting with the first memories I have of creating and stepping into this character. I also continue to utilize the Q and A I shared in my first post as a baseline – meaning that I focus myself on the point of desire and want rather than on fear – where the point is that I want something else that I’ve made myself believe that only the mind can give me that I believe I can’t get in the darkness/silence of my beingness. So what I found in my last blog post that THAT was, is ‘life’ – plain and simple. And I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body. And so this is actually what I have been doing and living and valuing ever since. At the expense of life itself. So the thought as image of shooting through the universe away from darkness into light is actually more literal than it is symbolic.

2012 09 26 DonnaEye Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist according to the image of shooting through the universe in and as movement based on an energy fueled by friction I have generated within and as myself towards myself as my beingness as the darkness and silence of myself here in and as my physical body that I misinterpreted to be the problem as I came into this world and was overwhelmed and overstimulated by lights, sounds, colors, smells, people, touches – in particular that of high energy movement as violence and arguments between my mother and father where I experienced myself as trapped inside myself and that I could not contain all that I was experiencing as reacting to my environment where I, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was in fact merely reacting to my environment and that I was in fact still HERE in and as the darkness, silence and stability of my human physical body through which I could have breathed and stabilized myself here and simply be within my environment instead of allowing it to saturate through me and fill me, reversed what was going on inside myself through a consciousness awareness emerging of echoing inside myself “I am feeling trapped, I can’t stand this, I will fall apart” where I in that moment made the decision to abandon and alienate myself in and as the darkness and silence of my beingness in and as my human physical body and literally throw myself towards the world as I saw and experienced it, as the faces up in my face talking to me and pleading with me to respond, as the relationships that others wanted to form with me based on my responses, as the toys and books and things people would point to me and repeat the word of over and over again – I capitulated to all that – because it was easier – and I did not understand or remind myself that I had an alternative. In a split second of a moment I decided and then knew that I had no choice but to surrender to the world and become its devotee and disciple. The only way I could prevent myself by being choked to death by the smothering embrace of the world as I knew it, was to give myself over to it and allow it to embrace me and penetrate every corner of my beingness. In that moment it stopped hurting. The light stopped being as sharp. The noises stopped being painful in my ear and body. I started instead turning myself towards the world which was a literal physical shift of ‘whereness’ of myself inside myself. I became more interested in the world and its functionings. I had accepted it as real and valid and wonderful. And the most prominent point within it was relationships. That was like the prize I won from sacrificing myself. To have someone to be that for me which I had pushed away in and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as a constant and continuous desire to move forward, without any particular direction or purpose or goal, simply to move myself forward in a forced motion where I am tilted forward and my head is first, my hands along my side, thus out of power or handling as it is the head that steers and my legs tightly squeezed together, also not ability to walk effectively and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ever stop up and ask myself: why I am I doing this? Why do I need to constantly move? Where is it exactly I am moving to? Because I would have realized that I wasn’t moving anywhere at all ever, I was constantly inventing new places and experiences and people and purposes to move myself to so I never noticed that I wasn’t moving anywhere at all in the real world, but only as energetic experiences of mind-movement where I actually just moved around in a circle as a loop

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to move myself out of myself as myself as my beingness as the darkness and silence and stability of my human physical body within and as interpreting my beingness as the prison in which I am trapped and unable to move and the reason for my experience of being in a prison and being overwhelmed and in pain over all the stimuli I am experiencing

131097039122855815 Ib3uVHTv c Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come into this world totally unprepared through the process of forgetting and ‘starting over’ to some extent as a blank slate because I see how I did not stand a chance and I also see that the only one who could have woken me up was myself, but I wholeheartedly accepted and believed myself to be that new child coming into a new world and that everyone else who were already in the world was wise and would guide me safely and that the world is a wonderful place – but wait? If I did not have any memories or awareness and apparently was new, why did I expect that the world would be a wonderful place and that my elders would guide me safely through? I wholeheartedly believed they would. Perhaps because I knew that that is how it should have been, because I only had my innocence with me, the last part of me that is real and that can never go away, but I did not have the awareness of what I have walked in this existence

(to be continued)

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Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162

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CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161

January 2, 2013 in Anna's Process Blog

trippy 00247071 1024x576 CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161How exactly is it children are socialized or programmed to participate in the world? This is something I am investigating here inadvertedly through my own experiences with the development of the Mind Movement Character.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the previous blog posts I’ve walked thus far:

In this blog post I’ll clarify a bit on the thought Image I wrote about in my last blog post as the image I’ve selected to represent the Mind Movement Character. When I say it is the image I have selected it is because it did not ‘come to me’ as with other characters where it is absolutely obvious what the thought or image representing or comprising the character is. I located this image more through discerning the characteristics of the character in how I’ve been living it. And so since I selected it I’ve been quite doubtful as to whether it is THE image that is relevant for this character. However, when I look at my personal relationship to the image specifically in context to the memory I shared of when I was a baby/small child and I started the mind movement, it was the same/similar motion where I used the darkness/light analogy. I see now how this could explain to some extent why children become afraid of the dark. Because the darkness we’re running away from and avoiding is ourselves, the darkness of being inside one’s own physical body, in the silence of the sound of self. And I see a particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped. I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically. As a side note I can share that according to my mother, I had quite the extreme entry into the world from a certain perspective.

Because when I was born – in a snowstorm by the way – my mom got up, took a shower and then they held a party. And she has explained how I then did not cry but turned my head away from them as if I wanted to be alone. LOL – I realize now that obviously newborn babies can’t turn their heads so either my mother embellished the story or I did in my memory of her telling it. However it still makes sense. I was born into a very loud, chaotic environment which also was a tiny apartment living with my mother and my father who was severely manic at the time of my birth swinging into heavy depression and back and forth during my first few years. So what I am seeing now is that I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. I see how all children do this, because we have no other option. If we were born into the world with functioning legs, we could walk away. But we can’t. Whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die.

CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs. As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape. Had I only realized that it was the other way around and that I could have walked the opposite way, inside myself, I could have saved myself a lot of time. But that is obviously not how we were designed or how we’ve designed ourselves.

And so what do we do? We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

So the bottom line:

I want to move myself in/through/as my mind constantly and continuously so that I don’t have to feel and be in and as the darkness of myself, as my beingness in and as my human physical body. Because that has become my prison where I hold myself completely restrained and locked and limited without any ability to move. But you know what? It is all in reverse. I completely missed the point. Because when I was a baby and I could not move myself away from the noise, that noise and chaos was produced by a world abdicated to the mind, produced by people abdicating their beingness to the mind. And so what I faced as a consequence from the first moment I was born into this world – like everyone else – and which I only registered in some form of awareness, was the fact that I have enslaved myself, in and as the physical – my own life-substance – to the mind. And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move. I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost. I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.

101337346 CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161Forming myself as a Con. Forming myself according to the con. Letting the con of the world form me. So my form became the con. The ‘form’ I accepted myself as was the mind. The physical was a mere obstacle, the ‘jail’ I was trapped in as consciousness.

Remember the Q and A I shared in the first blog post?

Q: Why would one be afraid of being here in silence/darkness/stillness with oneself? I experience this as a primary point though I don’t see much reason for it in term of ‘issues’ to sort out. That it is more like a basic point that one simply requires pushing through. Is this so?

A: The Mind plays a nice trick on you with that one – it’s not in fact that you FEAR silence/darkness/stillness, what you’re actually experiencing is an excitement that manifest towards your Mind, cause you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you

So if I bring this back to myself in relation to what it is I’ve been sharing about, that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself. Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died. I have absolutely no background in concluding this, it simply makes sense to me. But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch. And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options. And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself. And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clearcut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself. And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison. Boy was I wrong. But I still only see it ‘intellectually’ – meaning that even though I now see this, I am still not living it. My entire life is build up around this one single point of making sure that I am constantly moving myself, in/through and as the mind. So is going to be a process to walk myself back to the darkness of myself. But that is exactly why I am writing out these blogs.

So in my next blog post I will continue with self-forgiveness on the image/thought of shooting through the universe, specifically with integrating the writings I’ve shared today into my self-forgiveness and in general this writing will be the base as I write the point out.

Thanks for walking-with.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Projection is a Project to Protect Self-Interest: DAY 158

December 25, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Self Deception by tekhiun 756x1024 Projection is a Project to Protect Self Interest: DAY 158In this blog post I am sharing self-corrective and self-commitment statements in continuation to the following blog post:

The Gift of Projection is a Self-Honest Mirror: 157

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat about another being egotistical because of how I perceive them as not doing what I think they should be doing I stop and I breathe and I flag point this for myself as a moment to stop up – because I see, realize and understand that the moment I am busy judging or blaming another in my mind, I am literally in the process of projecting what I am accepting and allowing in myself onto the other, even if it does not feel like it and it feels so real – when I am focusing on another in any negative or positive way in my mind – it is a projection and I stop and I bring the point back to myself in looking at how I am being egotistical and accordingly I commit myself to take self-responsibility for what it is I am accepting and allowing through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

When and as I see that I am reacting towards another where I’d focus in my mind in backchat on what I perceive that the other is doing or not doing and accordingly am accepting and allowing myself to react and where I see this and remind myself that I am projecting – where I in backchat say to myself that I don’t care that I am projecting or where I come up with justifications and excuses to make myself self-righteous in projecting onto another – I stop and I give myself a deep breath and I re-commit myself here to not participate in projection or to hold onto the projection but to bring it back to myself. Because I see, realize and understand that when I project all I do is try to hide from myself to not have to face and take responsibility for myself basically so that I can keep living in a way that I know is not best for all without having to also face the consequences of my action which is the ‘doctrine’ that we’ve all be living by on earth and that is the reason for this wretched mess we’re in now. And I see, realize and understand also that hiding from oneself is redundant because we’re right here, I am right here and I cannot escape myself. All I can do is to change or not change. And if I don’t change, I’ll keep creating the same crap over and over. So therefore I commit myself to stop arguing for my reactions towards others in my mind and I commit myself to discipline myself to bring all points of projection – positive and negative – back to myself so that I can sort myself out here and not send myself on a time-loop to accumulate even more consequences for myself to sort out later.

When and as I see that I am experiencing anger towards myself within and as an experience that “I am angry at myself” I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that for me to be angry at myself it requires that there is more than one of me as there is one that is angry and one that is myself and therefore I see, realize and understand that I am only angry at myself when I separate myself from myself and so for example if or as I accept and allow myself to be egotistical and act in self-interest, I’d separate myself from what I am accepting and allowing and in that create a split through which I would get angry at myself as a polarized reaction because I had already split myself in two – and so I commit myself to stop splitting and separating myself through firstly when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to experience something towards myself stop myself and breathe. And I commit myself to investigate what it is I have separated myself from through which I’d create this experience of anger so that I can instead bring all parts of me back here and direct myself effectively as ONE in standing as the amalgamating principle within and as myself to no longer accept or allow myself to split myself into parts just so that I can fuck with myself, create inner conflict and abdicate self-responsibility.

self deception by bonnycastle d37qewe 1024x671 Projection is a Project to Protect Self Interest: DAY 158When and as I see that I am being super hard on myself or another where I’d result to bullying and blaming and judging in expecting more of another or myself I stop myself and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand how I’ve created this expectation based on a belief and an ide(al) about how I am supposed to be and how another is supposed to be in and as superiority that has nothing to do with practical, actual reality and so reality is ‘doomed’ to disappoint because it cannot live up to this idea or fantasy. And so I see, realize and understand that when I for example become angry at myself for having participated in backchat it is because I had created an idea and a belief for example about who I am supposed to be as I have compared myself to others and so in seeing that I am participating in backchat that is what I focus on, instead of simply focusing on correcting and re-aligning myself to what is best for all in stopping participation in backchat. I see, realize and understand that I can only change myself through embracing myself in saying: “this is what is, this is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so be it – now I’ll change.” Meaning that it is not complicated – it is simply a matter of recognizing and accepting that this is so and then change myself. So therefore I commit myself to stop bullying myself and to stop being hard on myself and on another because I see, realize and understand that this behavior is not an expression of ‘high standards’ or ‘living by principle’ and as such that I when I step into this character am superior but in fact that it is a self-sabotaging and self-abuse character through which and within which I prevent myself from changing in fact because I am so focused on reacting towards myself for not living up to my own unrealistic expectations.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react towards myself in anger, resentment, shame, blame and judgment within and as a particular character of perceiving myself as holding ‘high standards’ which I either project onto myself or onto another where I actually fear that part of me that I am judging because I see it as ‘wrong’ and ‘dirty’ and thus as ‘tainting’ my self-righteous self – I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am within this seeing everything in reverse because I am using morality to create a fake character of morality and high standards to actually hide my ‘true nature’ of self-interest so that I can keep existing in and as self-interest without having to deal with the consequences and so the anger I experience is actually more towards exposing myself in and as this character saying: “I don’t want this dirty beast in my house, put it in the basement so that I don’t have to look at it and the guests don’t think I am a monster when they arrive”. So through this ‘high horse morality’ character I am in fact deliberately hiding and suppressing my own evilness which also means that when the evilness does emerge and becomes visible and I see myself, it is actually a moment of gratitude and it is cool because the fact that I can see myself in self-honesty, means that I can change. So – therefore I commit myself to further investigate the ‘high horse morality’ character so that I can let it go and step out of this character and move myself to immediate self-correction instead of wasting time on judging and blaming myself through which I react with suppressing myself i.e. running away from myself.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself I stop and I breathe because I see, realize and understand that in being angry at myself I am in fact confirming for myself that whatever it is I am angry at myself towards is ‘who I am’ – I am literally in the anger solidifying myself in and as this particular point that I am angry at myself for being, which is obviously completely unreasonable and illogical. So therefore I commit myself to stop participating in anger towards myself as I have now shown myself how it is not only redundant but also how it serves the exact opposite purpose of what it is presented as, which makes it deceptive and thus I am self-deceptive when and as I participate in anger towards myself. I therefore commit myself to instead develop immediacy in moving myself to and within the simplicity of applying corrective action in terms of writing, self-forgiveness and directively changing my behavior through breathing as I see, realize and understand that this is the only way I can change in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-control and direction to self-interest and backchat and desire for stimulation and fear through abdicating my self-responsibility for myself as that desires and fear and as such making myself less than the desire and fear thus giving it control over me and as me making it my directive principle and thus making myself a slave to fear and desire

Medusa in Denial by rborozan 768x1024 Projection is a Project to Protect Self Interest: DAY 158I commit myself to re-align myself to common sense, practical and simplistic living where I prescribe for myself the basic responsibilities of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, caring for my body and interacting with others/the physical and where this is what I give my focus and attention to and so I commit myself to steer and direct my attention from entertainment and gossip and stimulation to practical common sense living. So when and as I see myself in backchat wanting to do something else than a point of responsibility that I have prescribed here for myself, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am busy sabotaging myself and that the urge/desire I am experiencing in the moment towards consuming something (which is the most frequent urge) is not real and that the value I see within it through excitement and the craving I experience, is in fact about me deliberately running away from facing myself and taking responsibility and so I see, realize and understand that I require walking a self-education process of teaching myself to live based on different principles and I see, realize and understand that this can and will never happen ‘by itself’ but only through my direct and deliberate stewardship of myself and so I commit myself to re-establish myself here as the steward of myself and I commit myself to honor my life and myself by re-educating myself to value that which is substantial and real, the physical and this process and to let go of my mental value systems which only serves the absolute destruction and detriment of life in fact as I have proven to myself time and again.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to live and act in self-interest where I see that I am experiencing myself powerless towards the particular point or addiction that I am living, I stop and I breathe and I flag this point because I see, realize and understand that when an addiction is running me by its own where it is like it has a life on its own, it is because I have made a decision for the addiction to have control over me deliberately in abdicating my own self-responsibility as creator and authority over myself and therefore I see, realize and understand that to say and experience myself as powerless towards an addiction is a deliberate self-deceptive excuse and justification to not take responsibility for myself by making something/someone else the point of superiority and power in my life when in fact it is all a charade that I have orchestrated and set in motion at my own will, which also means that I can change myself and stop accepting myself as powerless. So therefore I commit myself to investigate in detail and specificity when and as such a point comes up where I would say “I want to stop but I can’t” and to bring the point back to myself in self-responsibility in reversing the permission I’ve given myself to abdicate myself to this point. I commit myself to stop accepting it as natural and normal to exist in self-interest and to accept myself as powerless towards the ‘forces’ that emerge from within and as me as fears, desires and addictions and I commit myself to re-define and re-align what ‘normal’ and ‘natural’ means to common sense practical living in a way that is best for all.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

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Loyal to Fear as The Pimp of Lies: DAY 156

December 17, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Fears 9 1024x491 Loyal to Fear as The Pimp of Lies: DAY 156The blog post I am writing here is both a starting over and a rounding up of the points I’ve been writing about in my latest blog posts both here on the English blog and on my Danish blog.

I am continuing from the following posts:

What I have seen during the events that transpired during the last few weeks is how it is literally up to me to shape myself and how I will live. What I have seen is that nothing happens without my permission. And even if I partake in an automated pattern that I experience myself as being out of control within, it simply means that I have suppressed and denied the point of giving permission for myself to submit myself to this point – such as an addiction. Just as important I have seen that what is screwed up with an addiction for example is not so much the addiction itself, because that is often a point that can be practically sorted through changing habits and processing a change and stabilizing chemical relationships in the body. But what I realized is the most screwy is when I hold and live by values and principles that are not best for me, that are abusive towards myself and abusive towards others within some twisted religious brainwash. By religious I mean the way that people uncritically submit themselves to beliefs they accept to be higher than themselves and therefore they don’t even allow themselves to ask questions as to whether or not this is what is best or not. And that is called faith. I also got reminded and reminded myself that walking this process is utterly simplistic. It is simply a matter of doing it. By doing it I mean to do the things that is obvious common sense such as writing one’s blog every day and applying self-forgiveness and bringing oneself back to breath.

I also saw how easy it is to make oneself to go insane simply through participating in the mind. At some point during these weeks I literally started experiencing that I was going insane, meaning not as an expression of exaggeration but as an actual consequence of my mind possession and I could see how people turn themselves into vegetables and how the instigate permanent depression in themselves through thinking and backchat. I also saw exactly how and why there exists obese people who do nothing but eat and watch TV all day because I have that ‘gene’ or that personality inclination right here within and as myself. I saw how easy it is to drown oneself in apathy and depression and make the whole world revolve around oneself inside one’s own head. I saw how easy it is to make one’s entire world revolve around tiny insignificant points that one has blown completely out of proportion and have morphed and mutated to fit one’s twisted mental fantasies which always leads back to the utter banality of fear and self-interest, without a doubt or deviance.

We make up these entire ‘universes’ and ‘life stories’ inside ourselves that is so elaborate and detailed and filled with roles and characters and scenes and stories about who we are, about who others are and about the world and life – and the entire purpose with these ‘productions’ is for us to satisfy and submit to some banal fear and self-interest.

fear1 1024x662 Loyal to Fear as The Pimp of Lies: DAY 156I have seen how fear cannot be trusted because how I can out of fear is not in the best interest of myself and this makes the most of my actions, words and deeds untrustworthy because they start with fear. However the specific point I am working with at the moment is the ‘level’ of taking responsibility in distinguishing between for example fear and common sense. Because as most people I’ve deceived myself extensively and manipulated myself using fear so I will experience fear as completely rational and reasonable. I will feel protected and cared for by fear. I see how this strongly resembles how sex-trafficked women might experience herself towards her pimp or captor in how she’s been brainwashed into believing first of all that she’s worth nothing and second of all that even worse dangers awaits her if she does not satisfy the pimp’s every need.

We will as human beings literally drive ourselves insane and go into catatonic states of being frozen to satisfy our own fear. We will abuse our physical bodies like literally torturing ourselves to satisfy fear. And what I saw is that I have created a relationship towards fear in separation much like the pimp/prostitute relationship I described above where I have been almost one hundred percent loyal to the fears that came up within me out of a belief that “if I give them what they want (they being the fear or the pimp), they will give me what I want and leave me alone.”

And so within this what I’ve seen is that when I then for example give into a resistance where I don’t push through, I had a positive energetic experience of feeling safe and protected because I did not have to face my fear or walk through it and in that I made a pact with fear and I was loyal to fear because fear ‘protected’ me from the things I feared. Lol – or that is the fuzzy logic of this. Because what actually happens is that one simply postpones and procrastinates the point of facing oneself and taking self-responsibility which is the ONLY point where one can in fact change and stop a particular fear or addiction or experience – and then one accumulates even more consequences and even more resistance and slowly but surely one’ll build up a mountain of fear that one uses to ‘protect’ oneself. But really what one is doing is simply accumulating fear. There is no purpose. It is a mental oxycontin that quickly wears out.

So I have started facing my fears, one by one. Because I could see and hear myself arguing for my fears inside myself in backchat and verbally out loud to someone else and I could see how insane it was that I was arguing against doing something that I in fact know is best for me so fervently. That must simply mean that there’s something completely screwy with my inner compass and operating system and that until I get that adjusted I literally can’t trust a word that comes out my mouth or inside my head as backchat and inner conversations. This is what starting over means. Because I have realized that I got to start with the ‘level’ of permission, the level where I deliberately act out of a misconstrued set of values and principles that primarily is based on feelings and emotions as well as the agendas of the mind at a systematic level.

facing fear 1024x1024 Loyal to Fear as The Pimp of Lies: DAY 156I will be who I decide to be – and who I am now is as I have decided.

So I have made the decision to start over. I am making the decision to start over now. In my next blog post I will share self-forgiveness.

Thank you for walking-with.

In context to the topic of this blog I suggest watching the videos available on Youtube with Derren Brown. simply search for Derren Brown and loads of videos will come up. They are literally mind blowing.

Recommended readings:

Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness  Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Loyal to Fear as The Pimp of Lies: DAY 156

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The Only Way to Break The Spell of the Mirroring Self: DAY 155

December 13, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

her mind cover page by black crusader d491fk3 723x1024 The Only Way to Break The Spell of the Mirroring Self: DAY 155How is it that we as human beings can walk around being directed by and only moving ourselves according to the thoughts and experiences that come up through and within our minds? How is it that we unconditionally trust and believe that the internal conversations playing out in our heads is in fact ourselves and therefore that we should do whatever we say to ourselves in our minds? How many have not as I have, placed themselves in dangerous and compromising situations just because one was following one’s ‘instinct’ or ‘heart’ or ‘intuition’? In this blog post I review the last week and the experiences I’ve participated within and the writings I’ve walked on these experiences.

I am continuing from the following blog posts:

Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154

Back to Breath (Day 21 of 21) Preventing Comfortable Numbness: DAY 153

If there is one thing the last week have taught me it is that the mind cannot be trusted. I have seen for myself after having given in and given up that who I am as the mind cannot be trusted to manage or steward me to live in such a way that I am best for myself or for anyone else. The primary ‘instigator’ is backchat, the myriad of voices in the head that one would perceive as ‘who I am’ and before that the permission one gives within oneself in that act of recognizing: ‘this is me’. Afterwards the emotions and the reactions come and lastly one’s entire body is taken over. I experience this as though I am floating inside myself and that I have no grounding or focus. Everything becomes blurry and hazy. So we talk back to ourselves and we say the nastiest things or I do and in the world of the backchat all that exists is one’s self talk and self-reflection but one is even within that one’s own worst enemy. It is like being a mad or dysfunctional child that has grown into adulthood but still exists in that mad fuzzy logic of childhood. In fact this is exactly what it is.

What I am referring to is for example the outrageous explanations we come up with in our minds as children or the excuses we make. It is exactly the same as we become adults, but we’ve created the delusion that there is such a thing as adulthood, of ‘coming of age’ but really we’re the same mad children we were all along, just now more dubious and deceptive because we’ve learned all the tricks from all the other kids on the playground or in the prison yard. There is no such thing as adulthood where one becomes rational and reasonable and that stands in stark contrast to who one was as a child as being ‘childish’ because little children are in fact, before they too get corrupted, the only reasonable people on the planet. So the backchat that one would experience and participate in in one’s mind can and should not be trusted. And if we won’t get that, we’ll show ourselves as I have now.

abstract painting gold leaf 768x1024 The Only Way to Break The Spell of the Mirroring Self: DAY 155So the one thing I have seen as a grounding point through this carrousel ride is the fact that I am creating my own experiences and  that whoever I accept myself as is who I’ll be. So it is not because this apathetic self-pitying character is NOT me, like something I can just brush off through positive affirmation and then magically wake up one morning totally changed. Because this is basically what I’ve believed previously and I see also how I’ve been experiencing that I’ve ‘lost’ parts of myself like assertiveness and strength of being. But I also realize that it is simply because of who I’ve accepted myself as. And that simple fact – brings all the points I’ve been facing back to myself to personal responsibility.

Furthermore from here one can then place oneself into the context of why such characters and personalities are designed in the first place in terms of how we all share the same characters and personalities with ‘twists’ that makes it seem like we’re all unique and none of it is random but in fact very specific. And so this point with ‘conveniently’ forgetting that one is the creator and instigator of one’s own experiences is specifically designed to function in the grand scheme of things where we blame who we are on someone else and then claim that we have no say in who we are because we’re simply acting on ‘instinctual impulses’. But I am the creator, the instigator, the saboteur of myself and this can be clearly seen in how I was ‘with’ me all the step of the way into this mind-fuck as I was the one who thought the thoughts, felt the emotions, instigated and endorsed the backchat and the reactions.

Obviously I am also the creator of the backchat however this is to a large extent subconscious and automated in that the self-talk inside one’s mind simply ‘pops up’ seemingly from ‘out of nowhere’ and then where the first point is of making the decision to go further into a mind fuck is where one starts to talk back to one’s back chat whether one is agreeing or arguing with oneself or trying to suppress what comes up or even encourage it or react to it. So this is the obvious first point where one is able to stop and change one’s pathway. So within this I see that I might not be at a point of having slowed myself down to where I see the origin of the thoughts or know the starting-point of the automation of the backchat.

However I do see how I instigate the backchat and so that is the point where I decide to change myself first. Simply by not participating in the backchat that comes up in my mind I have changed the course of my day and have given myself room and breathing space to stabilize myself here in and as the physical. But obviously if I simply encourage the backchat, the thoughts and the reactions within an excuse that “I can’t help it” or “It’s not me doing it, it simply happens” or where one gets so immersed into the bullshit that one simply lives AS it – what will happen is a constant and continuous accumulation of the same shit and it will literally continue until we stop ourselves or we somehow get stopped by the consequences of our self-abdication.

P1100677 1024x768 The Only Way to Break The Spell of the Mirroring Self: DAY 155So a point I’ve seen through walking these writings while in this state of mind-fuck where I’ve written on the specific points of resistance I’d experience is that the writing is worth shit if one is not directing oneself from a starting-point of taking responsibility which also means writing from the realization that one is the creator of one’s own experiences. This is basically the value of writing, that even when one is completely caught up in blame or projections or are simply not seeing the point of personal responsibility and how one is the creator of the points one is experiencing/walking through – is that one can actually utilize writing to bring oneself to that point of realization. In fact this is the entire purpose with writing, because if we don’t see and admit that we’re the creators of what is here, which in most cases is experienced as limited to one’s own life and inner experiences to begin with – we can’t take self-responsibility or rather, we don’t and won’t and we don’t even believe we’re capable of it. And so we will only take responsibility and break the spell in terms of directively change a point – once we’ve brought the point in its entirety back to ourselves through which, as we write out all the dimensions we bring the point of creatorship back to ourselves. But we won’t actually break the spell until we physically change it.

I will continue in my next blog posts.

Thanks for walking-with thus far.

The Only Way to Break The Spell of the Mirroring Self: DAY 155Recommended readings:

Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness  Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154

December 11, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

Humanoid Experiments Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154The last couple of days I’ve been in a ‘funk’ of sorts after having made the decision to walk through particular points of resistance, fear and addiction. After last week where I wrote about the resistance to going out and meeting people, where I decided to push the point, I started experiencing massive resistance, that culminated in this ‘deer-in-the-headlights-funk’ where I’ve experienced myself as being unable to move myself. So I am here now to write out a prescription for myself for prevention so that I can ‘face the music’ that comes with walking through resistances, fear and addictions where one will or might face such resistances towards walking through the points that come up. Here I will therefore continue walking the point I started with in my last blog which has to do with not pushing through resistances. Or rather how to prevent myself from not pushing through resistances.

The following are the previous posts that comes prior to this one and for context, I recommend reading them:

Without further ado I’ll jump straight in:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and convince myself that it is easier and more convenient to not push through a particular point of resistance/fear/addiction simply because of the fact that I then don’t have to change myself or do something new but can remain existent within and as the box of limitations as fear that I’ve created myself into and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move myself according to backchat not seeing, realizing, understanding or asking myself where this backchat comes from and whether it is best for me to act according to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to backchat – where I submit myself to the inner conversations I carry out in my head within and as submerging myself into and as them accepting that these internal conversations and what they say is all I am where as I submerge myself more and more into the backchat the physical reality becomes blurry and irrelevant and all I care about is satisfying my backchat

When and as I see that I in the moment of facing the opportunity to push and walk through a particular point of resistance are accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat and experiences that it is easier to not push through the resistance, I stop and I breathe and I stop myself from participating in this backchat and experience. Because I see, realize and understand that the idea and belief that it is easier to not push through is a ‘built-in’ justification mechanism in the point of resistance that would trigger and be activated only in those moments where I actually allow myself to see that I have the opportunity to push through a resistance and where I see that it would be best for me, so these points of backchat are those something I use to manipulate myself into not push through the resistance through using a point of manipulation that I am ‘weak’ towards which is a desire, want and need for things to be easy and not difficult and basically what I am saying to myself is that if I don’t push through this resistance and thus accept it as ‘intact’ like a box I accept to be enclosing me, then I won’t have to face fear – as I accept the fear to limit me, the fear will ‘back off’ because there’s no longer a danger imminent – all of this of course only playing out as fuzzy logic of the mind. And I also see, realize and understand that deciding to not walk through a point of resistance, addiction or fear (which is essentially the same) is NOT in fact easier, even though it might provide an experience of instant gratification based on postponement but in the bigger picture of one’s life and experiences and in general short cuts are by default detours because there is no shortcuts to a good and happy life. Either we direct ourselves to change or we will keep facing the same shit in greater and greater density until we do. So therefore I commit myself to assist and support myself to, in those moments where I face the opportunity of pushing through a point of resistance, fear or addiction – to push myself and to remind myself that even though it seems easier to not push through, this is not so in fact and that I have to face this point sooner or later anyway.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I am constantly participating in backchat and therefore within and as that how automated it has become for me to constantly speak to myself in my mind about who I am and about what I am going to do and what I fear doing and how I don’t even notice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let backchat as inner conversation in my head where I speak to myself be my directive principle for how I move and as ‘who’ I move throughout my day where I have literally accepted myself as being unable to move simply because I said so to myself inside my head and accepted and allowed myself to ignite myself into more and more of a funk instead of stopping up seeing, realizing and understanding that all that is required for me to stop this experience, is to breathe and simply not accept it as real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can’t move myself as long as I accept and allow backchat to be that which I determine when, how and as who I should move because moving myself in fact here in the physical I am doing within making a decision to move myself in self-honesty as what is best for all whereas moving myself according to backchat is about not changing, about only doing what feels good, about generating energy for the mind

Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154So when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to change how I move and experience myself according to the inner conversations that I am accepting and allowing in my head where I am literally driving myself into a funk – I push myself to stop and breathe. I push myself to see, realize and understand that the only form of movement or non-movement that is real and valid is when I move myself here in and as the physical and that any form of movement that is initiated or inhibited through mind-processes of thoughts, backchat or experiences first of all are not real and second of all are not what is best for me because the agenda of the mind is single-minded like a cancer-cell which is to just exist as it is and for nothing and no one else to exist – and I see, realize and understand that as long as I accept and allow myself to be directed by the mind instead of directing myself I will not be here as life and I will not expand or develop myself but only deteriorate into and as the restraining box of fear that I’ve accepted as myself. And so I commit myself to assist and support myself to breathe through the experiences of fear and resistance that come up as I am in the process of pushing through resistances, fears and addictions and I commit myself to see, realize and understand that even know experiences might come up that I experience as physical because I experience them within and as my body, these experiences are in fact not physical as physical pain or harm and therefore I can stop them and change my experience of myself. And as such I commit myself to change my experience of myself through breathing and not accepting or allowing the experiences of fear to fester within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how talking behind my own back in my head is exactly the same as mean-spirited gossip and bullying where children gang up on each other where I am completely disregarding the physical and only listen to myself as the loud pounding voices in my head along the emotional experiences and thoughts as images that comes up in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist or support myself in self-directed self-honesty to understand, see and realize in absolute clarity and certainty that the words I speak within and as backchat as literal talking behind my own back is not real, but is in fact mean-spirited bullying basically because the mind knows that it is less than the physical and so it deliberately pulls the physical down so as to remain in power and control and this is then done by all the various parts of the mind, like kids in a school yard bullying that one kid who is actually the smartest but who ends up accepting himself to be a total loser

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat I stop and I breathe and I quiet myself. Because I see, realize and understand that back chatting is no different than mean spirited bullying and just like with mean-spirited bullying where children gang up on each other the purpose is to break down the one that is bullied often because the bullies feel inferior and therefore push the one that is bullied down so as to oppress them and win over them and therefore the purpose of me back chatting inside my own head is a farm of self-bullying where I am deliberately trying to break myself down as beingness in and as the physical. And so therefore I commit myself to stop bullying myself in my mind through backchat to break myself down and I commit myself to stand as that point of no longer accepting or allowing bullying within and as myself through which I’ve abused and oppressed myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how all backchat is exactly the same and exists for the exact same purpose: to make sure that I don’t move or change myself and risk stepping out of the mind which is exactly what is the result of me participating in backchat is that I don’t move myself and I become lazy, apathetic and complacent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I through my participation in backchat am sabotaging myself in my daily living and preventing myself to live to the fullest of my potential because the purpose of the backchat is self-manipulation, self-restraint and limitation where I am literally pulling myself in and closing in on myself instead of expanding myself

When and as I see that I am not moving myself effectively or consistently or with ease, I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that this indicates that I’ve been participating in backchat over a period of time and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to this backchat and so when and as I see that I am apathetic, lazy or complacent I know that it is because I’ve abdicated myself to backchat. As such I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to be apathetic, depressed, lazy and complacent because I see, realize and understand that it is the consequence of me bullying myself in my mind through backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I through my participation in backchat am sabotaging myself in my daily living and preventing myself to live to the fullest of my potential because the purpose of the backchat is self-manipulation, self-restraint and limitation where I am literally pulling myself in and closing in on myself instead of expanding myself

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I’ve been using backchat to deliberately restrain and limit myself and as such that I am not being good to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within writing the point out and committing myself to stopping the backchat all was good and I would now be fine instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I literally have to re-brainwash myself exactly how I’ve brainwashed myself into creating and listening to the backchat to the point where I’ve automated the backchat by accepting it as who I am and so to stop existing in and as the backchat I have to consistently and actively stop believing it

Hiiragi Resistance is Futile 1024x682 Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154When and as I see that I’ve written a point out or where I experience that its going well and that I it is done, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here. Because I see, realize and understand that realigning myself to a new way of living is a constant and consistent process of application where I literally have to re-brainwash myself and reprogram myself to a new way of living that does not simply change overnight or because I say so but only with self-directed and dedicated application. So I commit myself let go of the belief that I can quick-fix myself by simply writing things out or by feeling it or by saying it to myself and I commit myself to instead as I commit myself to walk through a particular point to remain consistent within my application and when and as I see after a few weeks that the point has not changed, I commit myself to go back and write out more dimensions of the point as that would indicate that I have not walked all the dimensions yet through my initial writing and as such I have a here a structure that I can utilize as I walk through points that comes up where I ensure that I walk with myself through each point to actually change it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed to not want to move myself and to not want to change myself and I want to only remain like this as who I am within and as my backchat and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to push through because this is all I accept myself as where I don’t see, realize, understand or realize to full extent as to why and how I accept and allow myself to be who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ll remain exactly as who I am now if I don’t make the active and self-directive decision to change myself beginning with simply stopping participation in and endorsement of backchat within and as my mind

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as an experience of resistance towards pushing through resistance where I’d experience that I simply don’t want to, I stop myself and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand now that not wanting to change is simply yet another build-in defense mechanism of the mind that only ‘works’ because I am accepting and allowing myself to prescribe worth and value to the backchat and experiences that comes up in and through the mind and that I’ve accepted as the totality of who I am. And so I commit myself to stop resisting pushing through resistances, fears and addictions and I commit myself to not participate in the experience of not wanting to change, because I see, realize and understand now that changing myself is a decision I make and as such it does not matter whether I want to or not.

I see, realize and understand that within the principle of resistance it is so that when one gives into the resistance, it grows to double size and it becomes more difficult to push through and when one then gives in again it grows four times in size and intensity and the same is so the other way around – so when one does in fact push through the resistance also becomes half as intense. And I also see, realize and understand that resistance does not exist anywhere but in my own mind – and this means that I can change and stop my experiences of resistance because I am the one creating them – and they are completely unnecessary and as such I commit myself to challenge myself to push through all resistances and to see, realize and understand for myself and show to others how simplistically it in fact is to push through resistance. It is simply a matter of doing it and the more one does it, the more the wall of mind-fuck cracks and a breath of fresh air as common sense self-honesty can pass through and open up one’s inner airways.

Thanks.

Recommended readings:

Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness  Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154

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