depression - Anna's Journey to Life

2012 – Who’s Voices are speaking in our Heads?

March 18, 2012 in Anna's Process Blog

Artwork by Andrew Gable: "Inner back chat personalities". Click the image to see more of Andrew's art

As I was listening to the interview Voices trapped me in my mind, I started looking back at my life and my experiences with voices in my head. When I was around 9-10 years old, I started noticing how there were several layers of thoughts in my mind. I started playing with it and discovered that I could sing in my head as the same time as I was thinking about something else. I got fascinated by it and the more I started looking at my thoughts, the more loud the thoughts seemed to become.

I remember how when I became aware of the fact that I was thinking that I started to verbalize thoughts in my mind as words and it became difficult to stop. Initially I was fascinated by it, i felt I was special and superior, but I also noticed how I constantly had conversations going on in my mind. It was as though I was sitting in a little bubble inside my head, that all “who” I was, was this little bubble of consciousness sitting in my head talking about what was going on outside my eyes. I would talk and talk and talk about what I saw and heard. Exactly as in the interview, the self-speak in my mind started becoming nasty and judgmental once I started becoming a teenager, towards others as well as towards myself. The thoughts were mean and brutal and I would feel ashamed. The girl in the interview Voices trapped me in my mind explained how she refused to accept that the voices were herself and that she simply could not accept that she was not the sweet girl that she had believed and experienced herself to be. For her it became the end.

I had no doubt that the voices in my head were my own, in fact I instead identified strongly with the voices. It became my comfort. As I grew older the thoughts and self-talk as back-chat in my mind became patterns that ran and ran in loops, like a constant noise from a radio. In my mind I would analyze how I had acted in situations, if I had been good enough, what I had said. I would also plan how I would be in the future, if I were to meet a boy, how I would act, what I would say.

At the same time I turned my thoughts against myself. I hated myself, I despised myself and others. I created thought loops of self-judgment where I would repeat the same words over and over: “I hate myself”, “I am such an idiot”… over and over.

An interesting aspect of my relationship with judgment as back chat was that through out my life I have listened to my mom verbalizing her back chat as judgments towards herself and others. When we watched TV, she would comment on the clothes people were wearing, their faces, hair, body form and place judging remarks, nasty comments and spite. She did the same towards herself, saying that she was a bad mother or that she hated herself.

I would judge my mom for her judgment of others. I would literally talk nasty shit about my mom in my mind for being judgmental. And within this, in promising myself that I would never be like my mom, I started building and creating a personality – a self-belief, definition and ideal of myself as the opposite of how I saw my mom . So I started suppressing my own back-chat and judgment. I judged myself for being judging and I created this personality of someone that is “nice”, “warm”, “tolerant”. I wanted to get as far away from how I saw my mom as possible. I wanted to get as far away from myself as possible. The more I suppressed the back chat, the more extensive it grew in the back of my mind and I would literally become possessed for days at a time, where I became completely apathetic and could do nothing but lay in my bed. It would take over my body and I would become tense in my back, shoulders, neck and in my legs.

After I listened to the interview Voices trapped me in my mind I started looking at when this pattern started with the voices in my head. And I saw that even when I was a small child and I experienced shock, I would start separating myself from my physical body. Ironically I have been using these thoughts to keep me pre-occupied and away from myself, even if the nature of the thoughts always, always have been self-centered. Even when I thought about others and how to support them, it would be part of my plan of making myself this “good-natured” personality.

In the book New Earth, Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, Eckhart Tolle states the following:

“What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that.”

I used to read Echart Tolle and loved quotes like this. I believed that it made me enlightened, uplifted and an upstanding citizen. But what does it actually imply? It implies that we are not responsible for what goes on inside us, for what we participate in and as, as thoughts, emotions and feelings. According to Tolle we are not the voice in our head – we are the observer that sees the thoughts and so we apparently become “liberated” through separating ourselves from the voices in our head. Yes, that is liberating from the perspective that we then have a justification, with endorsement by the spiritual authority that Tolle has become, to not take responsibility for ourselves. It is like a permanent absolution or remission of sins for Catholics: “it is not you, so don’t you worry about it” – sure that gives a form of temporary relief but then what when the thoughts and voices just keep coming, keep speaking? And what happens when we gather in social settings and spiritual gatherings and everyone else is apparently “free” of thoughts and of the dense darkness of the material world and our inner shit just keep coming up? Who will we believe ourselves to be? I believed that there had to be something wrong with me because I could not get to that state of mind that I believed Tolle was in. I thought that there was something wrong with me because everyone else seemed so at ease, so comfortable.

A really cool thing about the interview on Voices trapped me in my mind that assisted me, was when she said that we are only able to judge ourselves because we separate ourselves from ourselves, the same with being hard on ourselves, self-hate and even these ideals we create about ourselves. We externalize ourselves and place ourselves in a relationship with the reflection we have created of ourselves in the splitting up of ourselves. This is what I have done even with and through walking with Desteni. And I can clearly see how I ironically have been holding onto the self-judgment in separating myself from myself because I wanted to hold onto the ideal image I had of myself as being tolerant, “good natured” – anything that I saw my mother was not. And in looking back, I was exactly like my mother. I judged and despised her for being judgmental and no-one is responsible for that than me.

So what is the solution? Not to reject the thoughts or the voices in our head saying “this is not me” – because it IS me – it is who and what I have created myself as, who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, through years and years of participation as the voices in my head, endorsing them, fueling them, holding onto them as myself. This is the point: the voices in our head ARE us – they are a part of us that we have separated ourselves from and thereby given away our self-authority to in doing that.

Thus, it is when I accept the fact that these voices, these thoughts, experiences, emotions and feelings are my own creation of myself in separation of and from myself, that I become able to change. In taking responsibility for the fact that this IS who and what I have created and accepted myself, I can make the directive decision to change. Because until, unless I do that, I exist in a self-made prison, a prison made up of bits and pieces of myself secluded into parts in my mind, into bits and pieces, existing only as that voice as those different voices in my head.

We cannot simply say “this is not me” as a positive affirmation and then be done with it. That is not taking self-responsibility. That is not self-direction. What it is, is self-suppression in fact and it is a direct abdication of self-responsibility. It is fear of what is inside us, as us — and then only way we can change, is by facing that.

Through walking this process, I have experienced extensive difficulty with self-judgment, meaning that I have found it difficult to stop. Listening to this interview, assisted me to see that there was a point I was missing. I was missing the point that I have been unwilling to let go of my ideals, ideas and definitions of myself that was positively charged. And they were so based on a fear that I was becoming my mother. When I judged my mother, I saw her as I believed others would see her. I judged her as I saw her through what I believed were the world’s eyes, but it was my judgment of myself, it was me separating me from myself.

I could had looked at who my mother was within this judgment. I could have seen that it was her judgment of herself projected onto the world. I could have supported her to stop. I could have simply seen it for what it was and not participated. I could have learned to understand what judgment is and why it exist in the world. But I did not, because that is not what we learn in this world, that is not the pattern that has been established of how to live and exist. Instead we learn that we must unconditionally follow in our parents footsteps, take over from them, become like them — it is such an integrated rule that we do not even have to write it down in our constitutions or speak about it out loud. It is just the way it is.

No matter what – it is my responsibility because I created it within myself as who I am. I accepted the voices in my head as myself. I am the voices in my head that I have separated myself into and as. So it is my responsibility stop, stand up and change myself. See, the voices in my head might be who and what I have created and accepted myself as, but that does not mean that I have to stay this way forever.

Through participating with Desteni, the Destonians and especially through walking the Desteni I Process I have been assisted with tools and perspectives to actually, by my very own hand, to stop participating in thoughts and back chat. The difference is that we do not suppress the thoughts, we do not pretend that they are not us or who we have become — instead we embrace the thoughts and investigate them in detail, seeing exactly how we created them, one by one. For me this has been a continuous process and I see now that the idealized idea of myself has been a primary point as an obstacle with which I have placed road blocks for myself. So I am here, I am walking this process – I fall and I stand up. And if I can do that, anyone can.

Let’s walk.

Tags: depression, Desteni Cult, Desteni I Process, Desteni2012, Destonians, Equal Money System, Fear Week, Inner conversation, Self Talk, Voices in the head
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I Stop Living Memories and I Live Here

May 7, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog

Today, I’ve been experiencing reactions of fear of not surviving, emptiness and meaningless. For the first time – maybe in my entire life – I allowed myself to feel the fear. I was not afraid of the fear itself. I allowed myself to embrace it, feel it within me/as me. I talked to my study partner about it she started opening the point of with me through asking questions. It has been a fascinating process walking with her, because we have slowly gotten to know each other and she has been very interested in my process and in the equal money system. So she has started seeing and realizing the systems for herself, how memories keep us enslaved to existing within and as the same patterns and because of that, she could ask relevant questions that pinpointed what I was experiencing. It was not all her questions that were common sense or relevant, so I could simply reflect and see within the moment whether or not the point was relevant. I can see how me embracing the fear and speaking about this was assisting me to look at the points that opened up.

What I saw was that from when I was 3 years old and specifically when my mother left my father when I was 4 – which she did by the way, because a social worker had told her to either give up me or to give up her relationship with my father – my mother was extremely depressed, felt empty and that life was meaningless. Furthermore there was a specific point of fearing for her survival. So – I remember the feeling of meaninglessness, emptiness and fear within that, everywhere. When I look at how I saw the world around me, our apartment, it was a bubble of meaninglessness and fear. I remember that my mother hated her job and feared not having enough money.

So what I realized today was that this was not my feeling – this was not a real experience. This was my mothers experience and because she was my link to the world, to life, this became a basic underline to how I saw/experienced and accepted life. And what I realized today is that this is – what I have been running from this entire time.

Another interesting point within this – is that how I saw and experienced myself within this, was in fact how life is – how it is – meaningless – empty – all about survival – the way we’ve been existing. So in that moment I was able to let it go. I simply let it go. And I immediately felt so tired, so empty, like I was resetting. I was shaking as well. So I went and I slept. I woke up half a hour or an hour later and I continued my day.

Tags: Archive, depression, Desteni I Process, Emptines, Equal Money For All, fear, Living in the Past, Living The Past, Meaninglessness, Memories, Memory
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Self-Forgiveness – Release, Breathe, Walk

September 9, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that my ability to structure myself within writing and within applying self-forgiveness is ‘gone’ and thus believe that I am no longer capable of applying myself structurally in Self-Discipline and Self-Direction, instead of Realizing that I have to Will myself to Structure and Discipline myself – that it is not something that happens by itself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to trust myself to Stand and instead having expected myself to fall, thus creating a backdoor through manipulating myself by listening to and trusting the mind as me speaking to and existing as ‘myself ‘, while it is actually a programmed information system based on words and symbols that I have imprinted with energy, through Accepting it as myself and through defining myself according to it – that I have Abdicated myself to

I DIRECT ME HERE
I ALLOW MYSELF TO TRUST MYSELF TO STAND AND STAND AND STAND UNTIL I STAND

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself, within my Process of Standing up, by using specific tactics of emotional manipulation through allowing myself to be Directed by the Mind – to prevent myself from Standing up
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to absolutely specific with how I have manipulated myself, thus actually manipulating myself to only walk ‘half the way’ and not ‘all the way’, thus not walking at all
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear walking all the way
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to defend not walking all the way, by experiencing, defining and judging walking all the way in absolutely specificity as ‘unnecessary’, ‘boring’, ‘hard’ and ‘scary’ – instead of realizing that these experiences are not real, that they are specifically designed to keep me from Realizing myself and Standing up for and As All Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to design myself as Self-Deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as Self-Deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to generate emotions of ‘apathy’, ‘anxiety’, ‘guilt’, ‘shame’, ‘anger’ when I have been faced with a point of transcendence and through having submitted myself to these emotions, believe that I am these emotions thus justifying not pushing through the point of transcendence and actually Changing myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be specific in revealing to myself how I have manipulated myself, thus manipulating myself to not face myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘rushing’ and through this energetic personality of ‘rushing’ having justified not Standing up and Applying myself in Self-Honesty and Common Sense
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I have to ‘rush’ to ‘make it all’, while in fact rushing makes me ineffective and imperfect and is thus useless as a technique to get as much done as possible

I SUPPORT MYSELF TO SLOW DOWN AND REMAIN HERE – TO PARTICIPATE IN DILIGENCE, INTEGRITY, SPECIFICIFTY AND PERFECTIIVITY IN EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY BREATH
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO REMAIN HERE AND FOUCS ON PERFECTING MYSELF IN EVERY BREATH
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO STOP ALL FUTURE PROJECTIONS AND SPECIFICALLY THE PERSONALITY OF RUSHING AND WITHIN THAT THE ENERGETIC EXPERIENCE OF RUSHING AND THE JUSTFICATION THAT I HAVE MANIPULATED MYSELF THROUGH, THAT I HAVE TO RUSH TO GET STUFF DONE. I HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT BY RUSHING I GENERATE ENERGY AND TENSION WITHIN ME AND I AM LESS EFFECTIVE.
I HAVE PROVEN TO MYSELF THAT BY SLOWING DOWN AND REMAINING HERE IN AND AS BREATH, I AM EFFECTIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to not want to Stand up and to secretively defend that within and as me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, trust and Accept that I am that which thinks and nothing else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe/accept/define myself through and as thinking as a ‘who’, when in fact this ‘who’ is nothing but a system of information points seemingly ‘brought to live’ through energy generated through my permission, abusing the ‘Real’ as the Physical
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to follow and submit to every impulse of thought, emotion, feeling or reaction
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be inferior to the mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I am the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist as the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately betray myself to remain existing in and as the Mind as Separation
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go and Stop myself as the Mind, as Personality, instead of having faced the points where I have held on in Self-Honesty, to see and Realize the Self-Deception, to Stop, Forgive and Direct myself to Stand up as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having secretively not wanting to stand up, but also for having deliberately kept this Secret to myself and to everyone to make sure that I would not Stand up from within it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use my own weakness against myself within having used emotions, guilt, shame and Self-Abuse to trap myself within Deliberately not Standing up as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hide from myself that I did not want to Stand up as Life, that I wanted to remain as Personality, because I interpreted Standing up as ‘loosing’ according to not getting energy and it being hard work, while in fact these interpretations were also excuses, because I was actually scared of Standing up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to do anything to prevent myself from Standing up
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to face and admit to myself that I did not want to Stand up, that I wanted to remain as Personality and thus having created a fake process and another fake personality, in which I pretended to be working on ‘Standing up’, while in fact I was merely Hiding from myself
Okay Right now – Right Here. Enough of this bullshit. I Support myself to Stop any and all emotional reactions through Breath. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to let go. I Allow myself to remain Here. I Allow myself to Accept myself. I Allow myself to Support myself.
Till Here and no fucking further. I Stop myself as Personality. I Stop myself as Mind.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and feel that the only thing that would ‘soothe’ my current experience is smoking a cigarette
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive myself into the experience that if I smoked a cigarette, I would not experience anxiety and shame and regret and anger towards myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop Applying myself in Self-Forgiveness and Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, feel and participate in Shame of what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to regret having abdicated myself to the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive and seduce myself into greater Separation into the Mind as Self-Interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, participate in and experience rage and anger towards myself for having Abdicated myself to the Mind as Self-Interest and Separation
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as desperate
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when I see Marlen’s videos, because they remind me of Marlen’s diligence and my own cowardice and deception
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist as a crook and a deceiver and a leech and a coward and a fake
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be someone else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to walk in circles
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to walk in circles and loops instead of walking a point through until it is done
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to give up on myself again

I DO NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF – I SUPPORT MYSELF AS LIFE – NOT AS MIND
I SUPPORT ME THROUG FOCUSING ON THE MOMENT – ON WHAT IS HERE IN AND AS THE PHYSICAL
I ALLOW MYSELF TO REMAIN HERE AS BREATH
I LET GO OF THE FEAR OF NOT BEING IN CONTROL – I LET GO OF THE BELIEF THAT I AM IN CONTROL – I LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO BE IN CONTROL

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify trying to escape myself by creating emotions that are uncomfortable, which I have the justified myself to avoid
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in fear of the future
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear death

I EMBRACE DEATH AS MYSELF – I AM GRATEFUL FOR DEATH – until Death is no longer necessary, I Support Death – Not Suffering, Abuse or Deception
I ALLOW MYSELF TO DIE
I ALLOW MYSELF TO LIVE

I take Responsibility for myself – I push through and Breathe through, forgive and let go of emotional experiences until I stand Here immediately
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to sleep in order to suppress myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel tempted to sleep to suppress myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself to remain Here, in and as Breath, Supporting myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I did not deserve to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself to Support myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Deny myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abuse myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abuse Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Separate ‘Life’ and ‘me’

I ACCEPT MYSELF AS LIFE
I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS ANYTHING LESS OR MORE THAN LIFE
I CARE FOR MYSELF AS LIFE
I AM ALIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define Life as ‘Good’ as ‘Purity’ and ‘Perfection’ instead of Push myself to Live the Realization that Life is All that is Here and that the point of Self-Purification and Self-Perfection is a Self-Corrective Action that we are taking as Life and thus not something I am Separate from
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to Die
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to disappear
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect not to ‘make it’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience frustration and irritation with the expression of ‘making it’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to get mad and frustrated with Bernard and for blaming Bernard for ‘making me’ experience anxiety and fear and desperation – instead of being Grateful towards Bernard, Equal Here as Life, for exposing me as Dishonesty and Self-Deception in Separation of myself Here as Life, for me to take Responsibility for in Self-Honesty and Self-Correction
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for having participated in and accumulated emotions, feelings and thoughts and thereby having revealed for myself that I have not stood absolutely
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame Bernard for making Process too hard, when in fact I am the only one making it hard for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accumulate distractions, resistances, excuses and justifications that have made it extremely easy for me to fall and extremely hard to stand up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately sabotage my own process of Standing up as Life as Equal and One
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that I will never Stop the Mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in self-loathing and self-hate for having accepted myself as the mind – instead of realizing for myself, once and for all – that ‘EVERYTHING THAT IS NOT HERE AS LIFE IN FACT’ is the Mind and is coming from and as the agenda of Stopping Life for Realizing myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create the Mind as ‘Self-Aware’ within the desire to be ‘Real’ and ‘Living’ and for not having taken Responsibility for the fact that I have Created myself as the Mind in Separation of myself (which is not possible in fact and thus a make-belief reality)in constant conflict with/as myself because of it
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that there is only me Here as Life or me Here denying, separating, fighting and suppressing myself Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete with myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize myself and then not having been consistent and Self-Supportive in applying myself to Stop All Separation
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having Realized myself and then having turned my back on Life to continue to Live in Separation and Self-Interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to turn my back on Life in continuing to Live in Separation and Self-interest, in the make-belief world in my mind, instead of Standing up as Life Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss smoking cigarettes
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience a lacking for not being able to smoke cigarettes
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify being in a ‘special position’ in stopping smoking cigarettes and thereby having allowed myself to over-eat
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use my apparent ‘imperfection’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear letting go of myself as emotional
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that only by being and feeling emotional, am I existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify avoiding uncomfortable emotions
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify going to sleep deliberately to Suppress myself so that I do not Face and Correct myself to Stand up from the Mind as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to go to sleep and not exist
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to not exist
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for existing
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately avoid facing myself in Self-Honesty as Life and for having justified this through the energetic mind-possessed experience of being ‘weak’ and ‘inferior’ – I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto a personality self-definition of and as myself as inferior, to avoid facing and correcting myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto the desire to ‘be someone’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame for having held onto the desire of ‘being someone’
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of not having Stopped myself as personality
I STOP MYSELF AS PERSONALITY – I STOP ANNA ELISABETH BRIX THOMSEN IN ALL DEFINITIONS
I Accept me Here as Life, Equal and One with and as Everyone and Everything else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from myself in my mind and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I could be separated from myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify separating myself from myself as Life through deceiving myself into believe and act as though I am inferior and thus unequal and separate from myself as Life and from Life as myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to betray myself on a whim, of giving into one single thought and from that permission having betrayed myself entirely
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abandon and abdicate Self-Direction , Self-Will, Self-Love, Self-Responsibility, Equality and Oneness to live in laziness, self-loathing abuse and self-interest
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that by using the survival mechanisms that I used as a child when I experienced myself powerless, I would again gain power over myself and my emotions, instead of realizing that all I manifested and accepted for myself, was that same powerlessness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fall into depression and through that depression digging myself deeper into self-deception and denial – and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to force myself to remain self-deceptive, self-denying and self-abusive to remain within perceived power and control over myself, which was nothing but a self accepted as mind-consciousness-system’s programmed and patterned survival mechanisms
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abandon myself as Life and for having accepted myself as survival and self-interest as programmed and patterned personality only
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make myself miserable deliberately to redeem myself from guilt and shame, resulting in the exact opposite
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to give into/manifest/permit and accept thoughts of being worthless, inadequate, useless and I forgive myself that I through having Accepted and Allowed that of myself, have manifested myself as exactly that in my actions, only deceiving myself even further and making myself even more miserable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to dream/fantasize/imagine and idealize in my mind how I believe I should be, thus having projected myself into and as a mental image of myself, without considering, care for and taking responsibility for myself Here as who, how and what I have accepted and manifested myself to be
I forgive myself that I have ever Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that who I accepted and manifested myself as, as the mind as personality – was who I was in fact and that by following the self-made rules, patterns, structures and rituals of myself as personality as mind, I was protecting myself and caring for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself to care for and honour and regard myself as life and that the only time I came close to or was doing so, I chickened out in fear of losing myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if I was not perfect from a perspective of living up to my own ideal of how I believed I should be, then I was useless and should and would be disregarded of everyone including myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be disgusted with myself and the cowardice, dishonesty and deception I have permitted myself to present/represent as myself, for myself and for everyone else as myself, based on only accepting myself as personality, as immanently flawed and inferior and thus justifying every actions either fighting or defending this as fact
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deny myself as Life and for having pretended that I was not worthy of life, simply because I did not wanted to let go of the perceived freedom, satisfaction and self-control of existing as a personality in and as a mind-consciousness design, instead of realizing that it was only within this permittance that I was limited, unfree and not in control of myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe/follow/accept/manifest the thought that if I were to remain a personality, I would be free from being controlled and unsatisfied, when in fact as I have now proven to myself, it is the exact opposite
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hate myself for having betrayed and dishonoured myself and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that what I hade allowed myself to do and allowed myself become, was unforgivable and within that deceiving myself into justifying not Standing Up for Life as All as One as Equal as myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be punished for what I have allowed myself to do and become and for within that not having realized that the punishment that I gave myself, was in deed part of the scheme of deceiving myself into not Standing up for All as One as Life as Equal and for myself as All as One as Life as Equal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge and loathe myself and hold myself onto the idea/experience/belief of having sinned, instead of forgiving myself and letting unconditionally go to allow myself to Stand up and Direct myself to Live and Act as Principle
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fuel the mind, through having constantly participated in and generated emotion
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to defend and protect myself within a personality/pattern design of defying authority and moral and for having used this pattern to deceive myself into enslavement and integration of myself as personality as mind only
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive and experience my work with Desteni and the process of Self-Realization of All as One as Equal as Life, as authoritative, oppressive, boring, enslaving and morally correct and thus justifying, permitting, laying the ground for me to defy and rebel against it, instead of seeing that I within this very manifestation of resistance was reaching a point of break-through that the Mind could not allow, as I would have stopped the mind, stopped accepting myself as the mind and thus ended myself as personality
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to groom myself into a life of misery, bitterness, depression and laziness as the very living manifestation of having accepted myself as the mind, as personality only and for having believed that I could actually be free and satisfied by doing so
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to think/believe/call myself stupid and an idiot for having deceived and betrayed myself into giving over all power and authority of myself over to the mind-design of personality as how and who I accepted myself as
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was fighting against someone else’s control, oppression, morality over me, when all along it was my own definition of control, oppression and morality that I followed, thwarted in the reflection I casted upon others in separation of and in comparison of competition with them from me in my mind
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to deal with/face/take responsibility for my experience of being trapped, controlled, bored and unsatisfied, which I did not allow myself to deal with/face/take responsibility for, because I was ashamed of myself and instead allowed myself to split myself and create/accept/manifest a secret/forbidden personality in which I could ‘live out’ myself as I secretively believed and desired to live, resulting in me further separating myself in and as myself as well as allowing myself to betray and deceive myself
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to admit/reveal/face all of this for myself, because I had an image of myself, which I desired to fulfil and in which I saw others reflecting me back to myself, how I wanted to be perceived, thus risking losing image and face by revealing myself completely – this I forgive myself for.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to only be interested in being reflected as an ideal image I had of myself in my mind, in which I disregarded myself as Life entirely and within that all of Life entirely, caring only for being seen by others as an image or even as a reflection of an image in my mind, not ever actually seeing or caring for myself Here – as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that I was not Life and that I did not deserve to exist as Life, thus believing that the only way to redeem myself for what I have done and become, was to punish myself and deny myself as Life, deny Life as myself, instead of forgiving and Directing myself in Self-Honesty to once and for all Stand up and Stand by myself as Life, as Innocence
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe myself to be and through my participation and permission of that belief, having become an image only, a lie only, a thought only – only existing vainly in being reflected and accepted as that by others also living as an image, a lie, a thought, thus permitting existence to continue as dishonesty, self-interest and separation – instead of facing all myself and taking responsibility for all of myself Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately invalidate my self-authority, by breaking agreements with myself, by deceiving myself, by taking pleasure in abusing and lying to myself, thus justifying giving up on myself and allowing myself to remain as what I have accepted myself as, as personality of patterned and programmed mind-consciousness-system
I forgive myself that I did not Accept and Allow myself to Support myself in Self-Direction and Self-Forgiveness, as I was pushing through resistances, stopping fear, thoughts and emotions and ending myself as personality and instead gave myself over to deceptive and manipulative survival strategies of the mind
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that what I have done, I did not do because I am evil and bad, but simply because I did not Direct myself absolutely and unconditionally in Self-Trust, Self-forgiveness, Self-discipline and Self-Honesty, thus leaving ‘room’ for the mind to Direct and control me, essentially still accepting myself as the mind, instead of realizing that the thoughts of giving up and caving in, were survival strategies placed specifically and deliberately so that I would fall and remain trapped – in this design that I myself, by my very ‘nature’ of having existed in and as a mind-consciousness-system have given an overriding permission and the authority to Direct me, to become, for me to become and accept myself as
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was unequal and through comparing and competing with others in my mind, having fuelled and validated the idea the I had already accepted, permitted and participated in as valid, that I was inferior, thus validating for myself in my mind that I was unequal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify not Standing up through blaming others for not Standing up and being Self-Honest and for having feared being unpopular, unliked and feared were I to Stand up in absolute Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself by fearing that others would dislike me and fear me if I were to Stand Up in Self-Honesty and for having desired others to like me and trust me, because I did not like or trust myself and because I only saw/experienced/believed myself to be an image reflected by others, deliberately disregarding and suppressing myself within and as Common Sense as Life in Self-Honesty, because I feared not being liked by others
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept/define/see/experience/judge myself as a lazy, self-interested, cowardice self-abusive, half-mad, addicted and indulgent person and that that is all I am and will ever be
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react towards myself with anger, disgust and resentment and for within doing so, not having realized that I within allowing myself to participate in these emotions, were giving fuel for myself to remain enslaved as personality of and as mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge/define/experience/believe/justify the mind and myself accepted as the mind, as evil and unforgivable, instead of realizing that this is part of the deception and that I can only stop myself by forgiving myself and letting go/ended myself off/as the mind, thus by holding onto and blaming the mind as though it was separate from me, I have actually given power to it and in the process defending and validating myself to keep existing in and as the mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a timeloop in which I have enslaved myself and in which I have believed and accepted myself to be enslaved
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to choose myself as personality as self-interest, mind, survival and separation, over Life as All as One as Equal
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop and consider myself Here and instead having held onto an ideal image of myself in my mind of ‘who I was’ or ‘Who I should be’, thus making myself unable to face, forgive and Direct myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be so ashamed of having accepted and allowed myself to disregard Life for self-interest, that I have resisted and validated the resistance of facing myself in Self-Honesty
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of having disregarded myself as Life and Life as myself and instead having taken comfort in the self-deception of accepting myself as personality, as flawed, as desiring, as emotional, as thinking, as thoughts
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify disregarding, abandoning, betraying, abdicating Life as All as One as Equal as myself because I felt that the work was too hard and too tedious – and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of admitting that, to myself and everyone else
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for having experienced ‘Process’ as tedious and too hard, instead of realizing that the mind in it’s enslavement-survival design, is designed to make me accept it as myself, giving over all authority to it as myself and that I would not be here, had I not done that in the first place, thus everything that I will encounter that is involved in Standing up for as and within Life, will be perceived and transmitted as a threat to the mind and that it is thus only if I accept myself as the mind, thus giving the mind power and validation, that I believe and experience ‘process’ with resistance, fear and resentment and thus, that is exactly where I must Stand up and Stand strong
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having manifested/accepted/participated in accepting myself as lazy, with no backbone and no self-discipline and for within that, having accepted myself only to do what is easy or satisfying, not believing myself to be disciplined and hard working and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to convince myself of this, even when I have proved myself otherwise to myself, thus giving room for self-distrust and doubt and for the justification of not doing anything that I do not like to do or find too hard

I do not Accept myself as weak
I do not accept myself as lazy
I do not accept myself as self-interest
I do not accept myself as a coward
I do not accept myself as self-abusive
I do not accept myself as half-mad
I do not accept myself as an addict
I do not accept myself as indulgent
I Accept myself as Self-Trust
I Accept myself as Grace
I Accept myself as diligent
I Accept myself as Self-Disciplined
I Accept myself as Self-Directive
I Accept myself as Self-Responsible
I Accept myself as Self-Care
I Accept myself as Self-Nurturing
I Accept myself as Self-Willed
I do not Accept myself as thought
I do not Accept myself as personality
I do not Accept myself as emotion
I do not Accept myself as Self-Judgment
I do not Accept myself as fear
I do not Accept myself as powerless
I Accept myself as courage
I Accept myself as Self-Honesty
I Accept myself as Innocence
I Accept myself as Self-Forgiving
I Accept myself as Clarity

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear becoming sick
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect becoming sick
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear getting cancer
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect getting cancer
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear getting cancer from having thoughts about it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear dying in regret
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear dying because if fear missing out
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to regret that I did not push and deleted the backdoor
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that it is too late for me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to give myself a chance
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to be able to pick up where I left off, when it is evident that I have to start over
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be grateful to be able to start over, so that I can ensure that I am standing 100 % for life
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to start over, so I can ensure that I stand 100 % for Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expected myself to fall, thus walking deliberately into the experience of falling
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being judged by the others at school
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to attempt to place a wall around myself, dressing a certain way, speaking a certain way, simply because I fear being disliked, mocked and judged by the others as school
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and experience that I do not know where to start in terms of walking for myself, instead of allowing myself to discover that through walking into the unknown
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear walking with myself alone
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to forget myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as an idiot
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself according to a memory image/experience wherein I felt like an idiot
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the memory, emotion and self-definition of myself as an idiot
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the desire to be cool, to be smart and intelligent, because I feared that if I lost that mask, everyone could see that I was an idiot.
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be obsessed with promoting myself to get attention from others, because I believed it was the only way I could get worth and value
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the belief that only by getting attention and energy from others, am I valuable and worthy as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that the only way I can be worthy, have value, is through the energy and attention by others
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to within this construct having supported the Hollywood system of fame and icons and thus supported and believed that life was only valued as an image, thus as the mind
I forgive myself that I have only ever Accepted and Allowed myself to value Life as an image
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to share this realisation with the world on camera, thus the exact point that I am sharing here – thus I Stop

I am Here – I remain Here – I ALLOW MYSELF TO EXIST – I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE ALIVE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to remind/recall the memory where Bernard said to Matti ‘I am here’ and he did not say it to me and I felt that it was because I was not worth it and because I was not here and then I said ‘I am here’ and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for being an idiot for having said that
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel sick when that memory pops up
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react to this memory of Bernard saying ‘I am Here’ to Matti
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be directed and controlled by memories
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself entirely for the sake of being the perfect picture presentation and then within the pressure of constantly having to present a false image and keep up the appearances, I have polarized and thus abused myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept picture-image-presentation as the most important thing in the world
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear letting go of myself as an image/picture-presentation within the mind and within energy and for fearing to become intimate with myself as Life and thus I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to back out
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself unconditionally Here as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to think about Bernard and Bella and how they see if, whether I am worthy or not – I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to when I think of Bernard to think of someone that is judging me and that is angry at me, when in fact Bernard is Here as Support Equal and One as All life, and what my experience is showing me, is my judgment of myself and the anger I have accepted towards myself which I have then projected onto Bernard in Separation from Bernard and from myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Bernard. From Bella, from the farm, from the people participating in Desteni and seeing them only through my mind, in comparison and completion with me and as projections instead of seeing them equally Here as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive and experience other people as threats that are out to hurt me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to question or challenge my experience of others being out to hurt me
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself and Direct myself through these experiences, to apply Common Sense, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness to bring myself Here as life, without judgements, fears or Separation
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand Here as Life as Equal
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as distanced from Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear the experience of feeling distanced from Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel that Life is slipping between my fingers
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being punished by Bernard for not having stood as life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/experience/define/judge Bernard as superior to me and thus having projected my self-judgment onto Bernard as I also have accepted self-judgement as Superior to me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept Self-Judgment as superior to me

I Breathe
I Allow myself to be Here and Breathe
I Direct myself to Stop Participating in thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions, memories and I slow myself down to focus on the moment and on One Breath at the time

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear what Viktor said about Bernard having said about not being sure about me walking this life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent Viktor for having said that
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to participate in and experience fear that Bernard is correct

I do not Accept that I am not able to Walk this Life time
I Prove this to myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel weak and drained and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that this fall is permanent –Instead of pushing and challenging myself not to Accept that, to simply Apply the tools of Common Sense and Support myself as Life and not as an Image
I Support me Here as Life no matter what
I do no longer Accept myself as an Image
I do not Accept myself as thoughts
I do not Accept myself as emotions
I let go of the fear of falling
I let go of the fear of performing to satisfy someone else
I let go of performing to satisfy men
I let go
I am Here

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear sharing this self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire sharing this self-forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear falling
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the fear of falling
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Abuse the Life that is me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to shape my lips according to an idea in my mind based on images of Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz, in which I subconsciously have believed that if I strutted my lips like them, I would look beautiful and thus be cool and successful
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel guilty because I have not done sub4sub effectively
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to do Sub4Sub effectively
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame YouTube or some undefined entity as ‘the internet’ for me not being able to sub that many at the time and for believing my problem to be unique and thus having used this to justify why I have not done Sub4Sub and why I have not been effective within it
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be overwhelmed with Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Blame myself for not having done Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to imagine myself explaining myself to Bernard that I did not have time
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/judging/experience Sub4Sub in Separation of myself Here as Life, by seeing/defining/judging and experiencing Sub4Sub as less and more than me Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/experience/define Sub4Sub as something I am supposed to do because Bernard says so – which in itself is revealing a personality that I have energetically accepted myself in and as – instead of Standing Equal and One with Bernard and with Everyone else to do Sub4Sub simply because of the practicality of it in gaining more viewers which is crucial to process at this time
I AM ONE AND EQUAL AS SUB4SUB
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO SUB4SUB
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of not having been effective with Sub4Sub
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use the excuse that I don’t have time to do Sub4Sub , while in fact I almost every day spend time on activities that are irrelevant such as shopping. Watching something or in most cases thinking and feeling
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise my participation in Sub4Sub through having Allowed myself to spend my time shopping, watching something or worrying in the mind through thoughts and emotions

I PARTICIPATE EQUALLY IN SUB4SUB – I AM RESPONSIBLE TO DO SUB4SUB EFFECTIVELY ACCORDING TO THE TIME I AM AVAILABLE AS PRACTICAL AND REALISTIC
I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF TO EXPERIENCE GUILT OR SHAME WHEN I DO NOT DO SUB4SUB, BECAUSE I HAVE AGREED WITH MYSELF THAT I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR DOING SUB4SUB EFFECTIVELY ACCORDING TO MY ABILITY AND CAPACITY TO DO SO
I SUB4SUB FOR WORLD EQUALITY – BECAUSE IT IS A FREE COMMON SENSE TOOL TO SPREAD THE WORD

I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to walk myself into perfection with Sub4Sub because I did not want to take Responsibility for myself, my process or the Equality Process in general
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to walk into and as perfection and for having resisted this through all the tricks I had available
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to avoid perfecting myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge ‘perfection’ as a word of pressure, elitism and as something superior to me that was absolutely unattainable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept Perfection as unattainable
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as Imperfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define and experience myself as imperfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to honor myself as imperfect, while in secret desire to be perfect
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was not able to perfect myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to secretively desire to perfect myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to perfection
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Separate myself from myself as Perfection through having defined/judged/perceived perfection through and as an image in my mind of more than what perfection actually is, thus actually accepting it as less, within not Accepting Perfection as what it is – Completion, Pure, Natural, Whole

I ALLOW MYSELF TO PERFECT MYSELF

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react with nervousness and fear when I see that Lindsey is effective
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Lindsey
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to pretend that I do not separate myself from Lindsey or Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react towards both Lindsey and Marlen with fear and apathy in having Accepted myself to compare myself to the perception I have of them in my mind
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Lindsey and Marlen and life and for seeing/ perceiving/judging her through and as the mind, as competition and a combatant
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having Accepted and Allowed myself to disregard Lindsey and Marlen and life and for seeing/ perceiving/judging her through and as the mind, as competition and a combatant
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/experience/judge every person as an opponent that is out to get me
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to having automated the experience and belief and acceptance that other people are out to get me and that I have to protect myself with all means at all costs to survive
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept Life as a battlefield
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete against myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compete against ideas in my mind

I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF TO COMPETE – COMPETITION IS THE ULTIMATE SYMBOL OF SEPARATION – AND I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS SEPARATE – I WALK UNTIL I NOT LONGER ACCEPT ANY FORM OF SEPARATION
I SUPPORT MYSELF TO STOP ALL COMPARISON – TO REMAIN HERE – TO ALLOW MYSELF TO ENJOY MYSELF – TO LIVE WITHOUT FEAR

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compare myself to the picture, image perception of others in my mind, always calculating who is more and who is less
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear Marlen
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to envy and resent Marlen for being Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself as Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire myself to live up to being Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent and within that having defined and accepted Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent as more than me, thus Separating myself from Stable, Trustworthy, Disciplined and Diligent as myself Here, as Life Supporting Life
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to project energetic image-definitions and judgments onto others, specifically Marlen as strict and ruthless and Lindsey as perfect, thus comparing myself to these images in my mind – using them to manipulate myself not to Stand
NOT ANYMORE
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted myself as disciplined and thereby holding onto a personality-self-definition of myself as undisciplined and thus ‘untamed’ and thus ‘free’ – while in fact this is an idea in my mind and has nothing to do with reality
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define ‘discipline’ through polarity as ‘obligation’ , as ‘being forced to do something’, as ‘unfree’ as ‘boring’ and thus define undisciplined as ‘free’ and ‘untamed’ – thus actually having enslaved myself to a judgment , instead of seeing Discipline in Equality as me Here
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be disciplined and for having believed that I am undisciplined
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear discipline
I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Apply discipline for myself
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to miss discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be disciplined
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as inferior to discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear discipline
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/judge and experience discipline in Separation of myself as something more or something less than what it is

DISCIPLINE IS TO BE EFFECTIVE WITH WHAT IS HERE – TO SEE WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AND TO DO IT – TO PUSH MYSELF THROUGH RESISTANCES
I ALLOW MYSELF TO DISCIPLINE MYSELF
I ACCEPT MYSELF AS DISCIPLINE

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in fear of walking this Self-Forgiveness and for doubting myself to walk
I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a backdoor through manipulating myself through inferiority – instead of Directing myself Here in Self-Honesty
I DIRECT ME
I WALK

Tags: addictions, anxiety, cigarettes, depression, emotions, enjoyment, Equality, fear, Future, independence, love, mental problems, Mind, self trust, Self-Confidence, Self-Hate, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness, Self-Transformation, transformation
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On Exercise

March 26, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I have been exercising everyday now for 3 weeks or so. I have been pushing myself more and more within it. It is great because Esteni is doing it with me and she has a lot of experience with aerobics and she is pushing me as well. From the beginning I have been unclear about my own starting-point for doing this, because there is definitely a motive in me for becoming pretty and attractive. But as I am doing the actual exercises, some totally different points emerge within me, and I Realize that I can utilize this even though my startingpoint was fucked and simply change myself within it. It is still a very new experience for me. What happens is that when I am doing the exercises I can only doing it effectively if I am actually in the movements myself. It is simply not possible if I am doing it half way. And as I allow myself to do it all the way, with myself completely in the movements, I experience myself being Here. In my fingertips , in my toes, in my chest. Today I had been emotional throughout the day and as the time came to do the exercise I was very close to say no. I am sure I am not the only one who has had this experience, where if you are depressed or whatever, then the last thing you want to do, is actually move yourself physically. That’s one of the reasons why people don’t move much, I think. So I did it anyway, but as we were starting, I felt so crappy. It was like the experience brought up how I really felt about and experienced myself, which I had suppressed and ignored without actually being aware of it. What was so strange was that the thoughts was there, but I was tensing myself so that I was not present in my body at all. And then as I started moving, with resistance as we were exercising, I could suddenly feel physically how I ‘d actually experienced myself emotionally or how I’d accepted myself on an emotional level. The experience was profound. I felt clumsy, embarrassed, restrained, ashamed as I started doing the exercises. As we have been doing it, I often feel frustrated and embarrassed when I don’t know how to do the exercises. I have always had trouble with dance moves and coordination moves and another point is that I don’t like it when I am not good at something. But today it was even more extensive . But because I had also had the experience in previous sessions where I had actually done it for myself, being in the movements for and by myself, I was able to push and move myself through it. It is strange, it is like an example of how you can take a shitty experience or where you are fucking around with yourself – and actually change it into an experience and expression of Great Support. I have been doing different exercises. At first I was swimming every day, but now it has become more chilly. What was so cool about it was that I had decided to exercise minimum 30 min. Every day and then within that I could do whatever I wanted to. That gave it a lot of flexibility. So as I was swimming I just changed it around every now and then. Then I would do some sit ups and push ups in the evening. The way I do it now is more like having a personal trainer, which is extremely cool. Esteni knows so many movements and she challenges me in a cool way where it is actually a lot of fun. As we do the exercises I am surprised to find myself actually doing aerobics and even enjoying it

I will be sharing more about my experiences with Resistance and how I experience myself within exercising and physical movements.

Tags: aerobis, body, depression, diet, exercise, fun, gymnastics, movements, music, weightloss
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Mind & Body – Detox and Deconstruction

March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

So Im now a month into, a little over a month not smoking and on you can call it rehab in terms of eating with my emotions, eating to get high, eating to get energy and basically stimulating myself to get energy and to… well thats what Ive Realized after I started the diet and stopped smoking, because I have constant craving for smoking, eating, speaking, watching, basically anything that can give me the sense of being filled up or filling myself up, anything that is not just me Here keeping occupied, and its interesting because Ive noticed that there are like specific points, where I wanna smoke, it is particularly if I get stressed or if I get scared then I wanna smoke. Which could signify that that is where Ive not been able with stuff myself and have used cigarettes to control my reality and to give me a sense of comfort and safety within my world. So… something I find interesting is that when I first stopped smoking and I went on this eating rehab, detoxification programme, I thought that it was only gonna be a face or a while and then I would be able to go back to my habits, and Ive that thats not so that this is a complete change of, its basically the beginning of a complete change of who I am, which is going to have to Stand. Im not saying that I might not eat differently at some point, but at this point, what I realize is that the way Ive been attached to eating, the way Ive been eating, the way Ive been drinking, the way Ive been stimulating myself, is so completely engrained within me, where Ive diluted myself and been dishonest with myself and made excuses and justifications so I cant possibly go back to just eat what I want to, because its not what I want to. How I taste, what I feel like eating, feeling of hunger, of thirst its not real. Its not based on the body saying: I need nutrition now, I Require fuel to be able to function. So Ive basically fucked up my whole physical system in terms of making it into a mind-fuelling system, which we obviously have in other perspectives as well, but this is like very specific, like I said: eating with my emotions. And even now after a month, I find it extremely difficult and Im surprised how difficult it is. At the same time, Im determined. Im going to, Im going through it, Im walking through it, Im doing it but every day I Realize something about how intense and how attached this system is within me. I dont even know who I am, because how can I know who I am, when I experience a craving for something and it gives me a stomach ache, and its basically not optimal in any way for body, how can I say I know who I am, I mean I know who I am as an addict, I know who… I know what satisfies my addiction. I know what my addiction requires, to be able to sustain itself, because thats the tricky part it is to, for the addiction to sustain itself, its not to actually get rid of the craving. I realized earlier today as I was scratching a mosquito bite, that its basically the same principle the more you scratch, the more it itches.

Tags: addictions, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, cigarettes, dependency, depression, diet, drugs, emotions, Equality, fear, food, Future, looks, love, mental problems, Oneness, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, smoking, standing up, Structural Resonance Alignment
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Becoming the Living Example of Change

March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

My change in lifestyle aka ‘The Diet’ ( means a way of Life in Latin) is not only about not smoking and eating differently. It is about changing myself and my body, from having existed in self-abuse and self-negligence to actually begin expressing and appreciating myself. The Abuse that Exists in this world, the Negligence that Exist in this world, the Inconsideration that Exist in this World – is the same Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration that have Existed in me. And as I clearly See and Understand that it is not an Acceptable way of Living, when I look at the World and the outflow of this Acceptance – I have had difficulty in applying it in/for and as myself. And therefore I have also not been able to Support anyone else, let alone Stand up from within it – because I was still Living it. I was still Accepting Self-Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration as a ‘Way of Life’, in the World as in myself. Therefore this Process is not about losing weight, becoming skinny, pretty, attractive or to gain recognition from someone else. Unfortunately I still see the signs of it in me, (as I have judged it, instead of recognizing it for what it is) as I look into the mirror and enjoyed the fact that I have lost weight or when others comment on it. But I also know that if that was the only reason, I would not be able to do it for long – It would be conditioned and I would not be doing it for me, thus it would just be another way of Abusing myself. But these elements are still ‘there’ – the self-abuse that I have existed within and as, is still there. It is not like just because I made the decision to Stand up – that it is automatically going to happen and I can lean back and enjoy the ride. No – This is something, where I have to watch my every step. There are lots of possible blind spots, where I can dilute myself into Self-Abuse again, and as I have found, it is a matter of consistently, stubbornly and gently to push myself every time it happens. Instead of judging myself, when I fail, lie or make mistakes – I can push myself to Correct and Stand. Because I have made the decision. And I am doing this for me. Because I have never ever done anything for myself in my entire life. And yet, as always, it is all in reverse. Everything I have done and participated within, has been from a starting-point of getting others to see me, to notice me, to appreciate me and accept me. That is Self-Interest. That is being diluted and lost in my own bubble of perceived and self-Accepted inferiority – where all I care about is the energy of someone looking at me, smiling, complimenting me. And everything I do is like an addict hungry for a fix, to get that dose of energy. This is also something that I have not completely stopped. But I see it when it happens and most times I go: “damn, I did it again.” – But I have Realized that it requires my dedication and consistency to ‘make it stop’ – just as it required my active participation in ‘making it start’ – Because I am that which is invested in this mess.
This is how we become Living Examples – We Walk, One Step at the Time. But it cannot be done in dishonesty – we will know it. Living means actually changing Everything, not as an idea or a theory or a wish – but an Active, Actual Change. To do this, it has been extremely assisting for me to have a Physical ‘Marker’ as for example shaving, not smoking, eating, drinking, having sex etc. Because it is in those moments that we see who we are – How do we Act? How do we Respond? What makes us React? And then We Change – and next time it happens, we Change again… until there is nothing left and we are Simply Here.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, attractive, beautiful, beauty, body, boyfriends, cigarettes, coffee, dependency, depression, diet, dreams, drugs, emotions, enjoyment, fat, fear, food, good looking, independence, integrity, looks, losing weight, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, self trust, self-accept, sex, transformation, weightloss
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Who is eating when we eat?

March 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

DIET – Sounds like DIED

- In Latin it Means ‘A Way of Life’

I am constantly thinking about food, how to eat, when to eat and especially what to eat. I have been very confused about this ‘diet/detox/rehab/deprivation’ programme and I can see how I have wanted to replace my way of eating (which I have defined as anarchistic within me) with a bullet proof system I could follow, so to not make mistakes, not fail and make it easier for myself to keep it going. So I kind of interpreted that the point was to a) eat healthy, b) to stop eating with my emotions and c) to lose weight. I have in that sense been eating according to common knowledge about health, though with the awareness that some of the stuff might be bullshit.

I actually realized when I brought the point of eating the lasagna Here, as I stopped for a moment to consider my apparent ‘choice’ that I did not in fact provide me with anything substantial, nutrition or taste wise. Me eating that instead of for example whole grain bread, is based on a idea about lasagna. And that idea about lasagna is based on a belief that if I eat what I want to – I am free. Yet it is never really what I want to, because it is based on memories, rules, ideas about taste and consistency of certain foods, and is thus as conditioned as it is programmed and fixed before I even put the food into my mouth. So I put the lasagna back and took whole grain bread instead. I added cottage cheese and again Bernard ‘ruined it’ for me by asking me about this food. He basically said that it is unlikely that I will transcend this point in this life, because I am not stopping my emotions. Instead I have used the excuse and control of wanting to understand, which is bullshit, because I just want to understand so that I can control myself out of this – which is obviously impossible. I have accepted this challenge as being extremely difficult, as the point of eating has been so intense and powerful within me. At the same time, there are Common Sense points, wherein it is obvious how I have made this point a key point in me stopping myself from exiting in self-Abuse, participating in energetic and emotional manipulation and basically in stopping myself from existing within and as the mind – as conditioning, based on the Acceptance of myself according to memory, manipulated information and emotional patterns. The food serves as an example, as a way of showing myself and seeing what I am and have been doing. Here is an example: I look at a piece of whole grain bread. It looks boring, dry, serious, healthy – that is how I’ve judged it according to the ‘role’, ‘symbol’ that I have accepted it as according to specific memories and definitions within my life. It also reminds me of my mother, as she would bake this with great devotion and I would get it for lunch everyday in school for years. I also appreciated it and rejoiced with her over the wonders of this bread. It was her specialty. So it is sufficient to say that it is not just bread. It has a meaning, it triggers judgment, like and dislike justified through apparent taste experience. So in my book, eating a piece of whole grain bread without anything on it, is probably like the most boring food in the world. It is also something that girls who really wants to be healthy or lose weight do. (And I am not one of those girls, because I accept myself as I am). Now I eat the piece of bread and because I know it is all I am going to eat. It is my main meal and course for this evening, I slow myself down as I am eating. In utter surprise I realize how good it tastes. And that I can actually recognize different tastes within it, like the poppy, sesame and sunflower seeds. I can actually tell them a part and experience a appreciation for each taste experience. Before I would have chucked it all down. What does this tell me? It tells me that I cannot trust any of my ideas or experiences towards food. Because they are conditioned and based on ideas that are specifically mastered according to my memories, definitions and acceptances of myself since I was a child. They are not objective truths, even though with a lot of tastes for example, many people agree and reinforces the beliefs, which they producers are obviously aware of as they design their product according to feelings of belonging, of keeping traditions, of being cool and so on and so on. But the experience I have of the craving, the lacking or missing out – is physical. It is in my mouth.

So when I am about to eat, it is with a whole string of expectations, emotions and conditions tied to ideas about taste, fullness and the like.

I eat 5 portions a day the size of my fist. I might step up to six if I am up for many hours a day. The one time I did it, I felt guilty. But I have decided that it is okay, because I want to keep the body burning fuel and experiencing being full and not go into ‘lock-down’ starvation mode. I Realized today that all the meals i eat through out the day now – is the equivalent of 1-2 meals how i was eating before. A pizza for example would be like 6 meals.

Mostly I eat dry toasted bread, fruit or vegetables. I eat rice and rice cakes and meat for dinner most days. Between the 5 meals, two are considered ‘main-meals’. I still eat the same portion as in the other meals, but I eat more substantial food like whole grain bread or an egg. The meals in between is mostly two pieces of toasted bread, rice cakes or fruit.

I drink only 8 glasses of water a day, in which coffee is included. This morning I asked my body what it wanted and thus I had a glass of warm water with lemon and mint leaves, instead of coffee quite to my own surprise. Mostly when I have asked the body, the answer surprises me. It might be ice cream or cheese or some combination of foods that I had never considered before. I did not do that for very long, as I quickly returned to my patterns of eating emotionally. My goal is to develop a completely different way of eating, wherein I eat to nourish myself and in that allow the body to Direct what it requires, instead of me eating with my mind.

The water challenge has been difficult, as has the taste challenge. In the beginning I ate various foods at each meal. I Realized that that was yet another attempt of my mind to manipulate the situation for me again to eat with my mind, calling upon taste, enjoyment and tastelessness and boredom in the other end. So now if I eat fruit, I only eat fruit. If I eat Bread, I only eat Bread. I will however eat an egg as well once in a while. I do still not eat a lot of vegetables. Until now the most filling is the bread and especially the whole grain bread, which toasted an bare has been a surprisingly enjoyable eating experience, as I can now differentiate the different ingredients. I think it has something to do with not mixing so many different kinds of taste. I have discovered that I can monitor and measure myself by simply observing and ‘staying with’ myself as I go from thinking about a food to eating and after having eaten or had a drink. When I ask my body, I immediately get a ‘reply’ , almost like an image, but more like a symbol of taste popping up, only one. Like this morning with the warm water with lemon. But I am not yet certain of how all of this words, because yesterday some people were talking about that as I saw someone else drinking water with lemon, and I know from the eating according to your blood type book, that my type, (A) benefits a lot from doing this in the mornings. I used to do it as well for periods of time. Never the less, I asked my body and that is what ‘popped up’. So I did not judge it. It was not until 11 that I noticed that I hadn’t had a cup of coffee yet. Normally I will have coffee as soon as I get up – as a co pilot of working, a working treat – obviously an idea in my mind. It is also an idea in my mind that I like coffee, because when I then had one, I didn’t like it. And I had one mainly because it was 11 and I had not had one all day. It is strange to see and be convinced of something being a treat, and then not enjoying the actual experience, because the whole ‘image/picture’ of it being so and so and having this or that value – only exists in my mind. It would also mean that the Mind dictates everything and that I blindly follow. So now is the question: Why? Why do I blindly follow? Because this is just one little tiny point as an example of how nothing we do is actually decided and directed by us, but orchestrated by our minds and even more strategically, by the corporate world – who knows us better than we know ourselves.

Tags: addiction, body, burgers, depression, drugs, emotions, fast food, fish, food, Food & Nutrition, how to lose weight, lasagna, manipulation, pills, pleasure, power, rehab, sadness, salt, self, self esteem, sorrow, tortilla, weight loss
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Quit Smoking & Stop Suppressing Myself

March 3, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

I’m here to talk about my experiences with stopping smoking and how I have used smoking as one tool to completely suppress myself and create a system of suppression within me and how I have been dealing with that since I stopped smoking. So I stopped smoking a month ago and it has been quite a horrible experience in terms of all the stuff that has been coming up, together with stopping smoking. Like… singular experiences or like… individual experiences and emotions has been depression, sadness, anger… desperation and then these two major, general categories almost, that I will call: One is Self-Pity in which all this emotion fall under and the other one is… In a way I can call it anxiety or fear, but its more specific than that, because its a specific experience from when I was a child of being not safe, of being unsafe, of being uncomfortable and not being able to pinpoint whats wrong with the world. An experience of being all alone, of not having any connection… even now as I am speaking, the emotion is coming up, so what I’m gonna do is, I’m just gonna put… that’s the only, the only Solution I have found, at all, so far in all my years of working with myself, is to put my feet on the ground, to feel my feet, to feel, not a connection, but just to feel my feet… and to Breathe. So… and its not a matter of having to meditate or stop talking or anything, just like: Okay, now the emotion is coming up, I stop and then I continue. But this overall feeling of not belonging, of something being off, in the world and in my world and… I mean, I’m still in the process of investigating how and to what extend I have suppressed myself and how it has been working, but this feeling, this particular feeling is one that I can see and experience, re-experience, from when I was quite a small child, like 3,4 years old. So okay, so I stopped smoking, while I was in an agreement with Matti and we stopped smoking together and it was like a spontane(ous) decision, but its something that Ive been working with for a while like: Okay, I’m gonna stop smoking at some point because I’m…. I could see that I was very attached and very committed or dependent on smoking. So I stopped and I was surprised how the part of, actually not smoking, was not as difficult as I had imagined, because its just a matter of not smoking, not smoking and especially when you, if you can keep your environment without cigarettes, its fine. I mean, here where I’m living, a lot of people are smoking, most people are smoking, so that was just a matter of… that’s just how it is. What I found surprisingly difficult was like I said, all the emotions that came up and I have, since I stopped smoking, several times gone into a mind-possession, mind-fuck, mind-trip that lasted for several days, where I was basically just crying the whole time, feeling sorry for myself the whole time, beginning to get paranoia and I mean, I cannot say with absolute proof that this is caused by me stopping smoking, but its very definitely linked, to this experience. So initially the point for me was to stop smoking all together, not start again and it was something I was doing within my Agreement and then the Agreement ended and I was like: “Huh, so what now?” – and I decided that I was gonna not start smoking again. Then after 21 days, I had another of these ‘self-pity-parties’ with myself where I was crying and feeling sorry for myself and not being able to do anything… and I talked to Esteni and she said something that was very interesting: that the whole thing, the whole emotional reaction was about not getting attention and not being recognized for having stopped smoking. And in that I very quickly started smoking again, realizing that it had in fact been dependent on other people, again – and basically just justifying for myself: “Oh, I might as well just start smoking again”, and: “it’s been 21 days…”, and “I don’t need to stop” and… but as I was smoking the first few cigarettes, I kept getting a headache and I did see the link: “Okay, it’s peculiar that I’m getting a headache as I’m smoking” – and I was wondering about this whole point of having brought the suppressions up that, that I was now re-installing the suppressions with the cigarettes, basically opening a system up and saying: “I’m not gonna participate anymore” and then – basically ‘giving up’ because of these emotional experiences and being overwhelmed by that, not believing that I’m able to stop it for myself and then start smoking to ‘close’ the whole thing down again . So – as I started smoking again, it was quite amazing to see that everything became calm, everything became smooth – I was in ‘control’ again. I was able to work, I was effective, I was not emotional at all. If I became emotional, I was able to stop it immediately. Still thinking, still thoughts, but not as ‘insane’ or, not as obsessive as it was when I was not smoking. Then at some point I had another headache and… well, I was talking to Bernard about it and he said: “well that’s suppression” – and I realized in that moment that it made complete sense – I mean this whole ‘line’ of events that had happened, wherein I… basically believed that I wasn’t able to ‘cope’ myself and deal with myself… without cigarettes. I’ve been smoking since I was twelve and besides cigarettes, I have within this process found using food, using specifically other people, being in a Relationship, entertainment in the form of television, movies, what else? Thinking obviously – to suppress myself. And I am closing in on myself from the perspective right now, of not being able to do that anymore… and having to and being willing and allowing myself to Face this point and…. Yeah, so after three days of smoking again, where it was wonderful and I just went back, as if nothing had ever happened and I’ve always been smoking and… ‘the good old days’, ha ha – so I stopped again last night and what I found, what I have found to be extremely fascinating is that these experiences that I experienced as I was stopping came back immediately: Depression, sadness, feeling sorry for myself, desperation, anxiety, not belonging, not having connections with anyone, being isolated. So… this is where I am. I’m going to walk through this point and I don’t know what’s on the other side… as I am looking at it now, it’s the point of for the first time being comfortable with just me. Not requiring anyone or anything else to make who I am, to make me safe, to give me stability, to hold onto and actually Allow myself to be that stability be that Support – because I mean how else? How am I going to exist, without being dependent or anything or on other people, if I’m not able to… basically live with myself? And trust that whatever comes up and whatever happens, I trust myself to Direct it and to deal with it and to Face it, be Self-Honest and to not suppress or hide myself.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, beauty, body, cigarettes, depression, diet, drugs, fat, fear, independence, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, relationship, self, self trust, self-empowerment, sex, skinny, smoking, standing up, transformation, weight, weightloss
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Self-Transformation Log # 1

March 3, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog

Day: 33 (aproximately).

I will be sharing my process of self-transformaton through documentation and blogs. Every sunday I take a picture of myself wearing the same clothes in the same spot and the same time, to follow the changes I undergo as I transform myself from a automated organic robot – to a Self-Willed Equal of Life on Earth.

Stopped smoking 01 February and began the physical transformation a couple of days later. Started smoking after 21 days, quit again after 3. I have changed my basic habits down to the water I drink. Most of all, I have discovered how addicted and attached I was to the comfort and control of all these addictions.It is also surprising to discover how I was more or less addicted to all of this -

Sugar

Coffee

Fat

Eating when I want – what I want

Water

Relationships

Sex

Thinking

Smoking

Salt

I have been completely wrapped in excuses and justifications and lies I told myself. I had locked myself down completely. In the end I was not even aware what I was doing, how much I was eating, smoking, drinking… until I started gaining a lot of weight.

Tags: addictions, antidepressives, anxiety, body, cigarettes, depression, diet, drugs, fat, fear, independence, love, mental problems, quitting smoking, rehab, self, self-empowerment, sex, skinny, smoking, transformation, weight, weightloss
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