June 2, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post I am continuing from the last post with walking the point of establishing self-care within and as myself and how I’ve not cared about myself as a cruelty that I’ve done towards myself. The consequence of this relationship that I’ve accepted towards myself became evident a couple of days ago when I went to the hospital. Normally when I am in that kind of situation, I am quite composed and I usually never get nervous or emotional when going to the doctor. However this time something happened within me. I first went to see a doctor with my symptoms and he did a lot of tests that showed that I had some kind of infection but he couldn’t be sure what it was. He recommended that I when to the hospital for further tests so I went straight from the doctor’s office to the hospital. While I was waiting to be seen, I called around to my work and those who needed to know where I was. In the process of calling around, one person when I called asked me quickly if it was something important I was calling about. In that moment I had a strong and instantaneous reaction translated to words as: “You don’t care about me.” Immediately I looked at my reaction and I brought the point back to myself: “I don’t care about myself”. I started crying as I realized that I was in this situation because I’ve not cared about myself. All kinds of thoughts ran through my mind and I saw myself making a promise to care about myself similar to when I was a child and I promised god I would be good if he would do this or that for me. I never lived up to my promises even when I got what I wanted. And I saw how easy it would be for me to walk out and return to my life of not caring about myself. I saw how I most likely wouldn’t take this opportunity to care about myself. And as I was escorted around the hospital I noticed how most of the people there were either old or overweight. I saw how they too were there because they hadn’t cared about themselves. And now they were there to be fixed by doctors only so that they could return to their life of not caring about themselves – what a waste of life. And they drew my blood and I gave urine samples – all this I gave from my body to find out that it most likely was just a stomach virus and that my health is otherwise in good shape. It was odd leaving that hospital after five hours of testing and probing and questioning. I was close to preparing myself to go into surgery. I’ve since been eating more appropriate for my body – however the life-style if you will of not caring about myself is still not something that I’ve completely subverted or changed within me. I understand that it takes time and dedication and compassion and that it is a process – because I’ve lived an entire life of not caring about myself – of not even understanding what it means to care about myself.
Another point that opened up today was quite interesting. It is like this self-care point is coming at me from all directions. I was reading a chat where the following statement was made in support to someone walking a similar point as mine in relation to self-care:
“The breast represents Nurturing. Nurturing represents a Respect, Understanding and COnsideration for the Physical Body. That is Why, a mother nurture a child and the child drinks from the breast and it is done through Physical Care. If you allow yourself to Only exist as a Mental Entity which constantly attacks the Body and force the body to create energy for Thoughts: there is eventually going to be consequences.”
So after I had read this chat, events occurred that resulted in my cat scratching my left breast quite significantly. They do this when I hold them and they get scared, for example when we’re in the hallway to go down when someone suddenly comes. So he jumped out of my arms and in the process kicked with his right leg and made a huge scratch on my breast. Now normally these scratches are quite small, but this one is huge and will probably leave a scar and it goes all the way down across my breast.
This was significant because it is yet another manifested consequence of my lack of self-care. I know this about the cats – I’ve lived with them for two years. I didn’t have to pick him up right in that moment. I could have let the event play out in such a way that I could have prevented the scratch – but I didn’t. And I see that even when I read this quote and this chat, I still don’t experience or feel any kind of “ENOUGH” within me. Not caring about myself has become a life-style, a life-style that I am comfortable with and that has profound irreversible (like scars for example) and entirely unnecessary consequences – especially for my body.
Something I just realized that is interesting also in this context is that my mother actually lost her breast milk when I was a baby, perhaps due to the fact that she was an old mother (42). It was said that this lead to me becoming lactose intolerant which caused much pain and trouble in my early childhood. My mother also has had breast cancer two times and although it is not the kind that is genetic (as far as I know thus far) I am quite aware that this is a eminent possibility for me as well.
Another point I am also seeing is how, since undertaking this process of starting to care about myself – even as I have begun to barely open the point up – my application and expression has become stronger and more stable. This is even though I haven’t yet gone through an extensive self-forgiveness or correction writing process. And I’ve noticed this through my process as I’ve walked with Desteni and even before that: when I’ve showed myself just an inkling of self-care, my entire expression has changed and it has been like opening the floodgates into an inner world I wasn’t even sure existed within and as me- meaning an inner strength and expression and comfort and satisfaction with and as myself.
But what I have done in the past is to very very quickly close those floodgates the hell up with a mental dam of fear and excuses and self-judgment. Throughout my life I have found myself applying a very odd tactic: Whenever I’ve been close to actual self-realization or fulfillment in any way, I’ve stuck my toe in the ‘water’ and then quickly retracted as if saying: “I am savoring this moment/process/point for another time.”, “Now that I have access to this realization, I will revert back to my ‘old self’ and instead ‘save’ it.” It is very odd indeed. So I have never actually gone full out swinging myself from the chandelier bat crazy on myself when it comes to actually moving myself out of the mental facility that is my mind and into self-care and self-expression.
So this is the process that I commit myself to walk. I can see how I’ve lined up all the points for me to walk this point, right here.
So let me start by defining self-care as the preliminary definition that I hold at this moment:
Self-Care is to See and know what is Best for me and to if I don’t see or know what is best for me, to direct myself to investigate what is best for me and accordingly direct myself to live that which is best for me.
Within this I am define self-care in the context of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am a part of this world as a whole and therefore what is best for me cannot be separated from what is best for all.
Within this, I also define self-care as a physical application of what is best for me, because I see, realize and understand that what is real is the physical and therefore anything that isn’t physical or physically expressed isn’t best for me or best for all.
I commit myself to walk a process of self-investigation and self-change where I slowly but surely establish self-care in relationship with myself and with my physical body and when I have integrated self-care, to establish self-care as an expression of who I am
I commit myself to walk a process of disclosing to myself in absolute self-honesty where and when and how it is that I am not living self-care as that which is best for me and accordingly release myself from any and all belief-systems and relationships where I hold onto living in a way that isn’t best for me because I’ve allowed myself to separate myself from myself and for example live according to a belief-system or a desire but without any practical consideration or care for myself. So I commit myself to slowly but surely stop accepting and allowing myself to live in a way that isn’t best for me, through directing myself to stop participating with and within that which isn’t best for me – as mental possessions and states of mind and as physically ingrained habits as outflows of such mental possessions where I do things that I know aren’t best for me, but don’t want to stop doing them because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility for myself to the mind and therefore only have cared about myself in and as the mind and therefore only have cared about that which benefits the mind and in the process destroys that which is real life: the physical an the potential of birthing myself from/of/as the physical as self-expression and self-care.
I see, realize and understand that actual self-care cannot exist separated from my interconnectedness with the world as a whole and I see, realize and understand that the care that I experience for others, for animals, for the world, is in vain when I don’t even care about myself. As such I commit myself to walk a simultaneous process of extending my self-care to others/the world but to also bring back the care that I experience towards others/the world back to myself and first make sure that I establish it within and as myself so that the care that I share with others/the world is real, stable, consistent and genuine because it is founded upon my own self-care.
I see, realize and understand that my life could have been very different if I had honored myself, respected myself and stood within and as self-integrity and self-care and I see, realize and understand that for me to establish real self-care I have to let go of the patterns that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to infest myself with throughout my life. I see, realize and understand that it is pointless – and not self-care – to mourn opportunities lost and to regret that which I could have been, had I only cared about myself. I see, realize and understand also that the resistance that I experience towards caring for and about myself is something that I simply require pushing through, point by point, moment by moment, breath by breath as I strengthen my resolve and decision to care about myself and care for myself.
I see, realize and understand that to care about and for myself is not only about ‘care’ and implementing care in myself and my reality – it is also about ‘myself’ as who I accept myself as – because I’ve ‘cared’ about myself in the context of the mind as for example a person(ality) ‘seeking love’ or ‘searching for freedom through drugs’ and as such I have ‘cared’ in the sense of placing time and effort and participation and literally giving my life to some quest – but I didn’t ever really care for/about ME – the me’ness that is simply me. The me’ness that is simply here in every moment of every breath.
And I see, realize and understand that there are points that I will find difficult to change and so I commit myself to not judge myself for these points and I also commit myself to walk through them through the practical application of self-investigation in self-honesty as I now have established a definition of self-care for myself that is physical – which means that I see, realize and understand that any mental relationship or attachment to a specific point is not self-care and therefore I commit myself to change this relationship within an understanding of the process it takes to change a point as how I require understanding in self-honesty how I’ve created it and why I am holding onto it and what of and as myself I am separating myself from/into/as through which I’m holding onto this relationship so that I soberly can see in clarity ‘who’ I’ve accepted myself as and accordingly make the decision to change through practical application of correcting myself – through for example stopping participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings.
I will go up to here for now and continue in my next post.
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