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Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

February 17, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

Silence Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172In this blog I am writing out the final self-forgiveness statements on the series about the mind-movement character and in the following blogs I will write out the final self-corrective statements. Subsequently I will begin a new series about relationships. So stay tuned.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Memory – The 2 minute key chain

I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as I was asked by a kindergarten teacher to sit down and make a key chain, to experience this as a punishment and that I had to sit down because they did not like me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as soon as I even heard that I had to sit down, to experience anxiety and discomfort within and as myself and an experience of physical irritation as feeling jittery when I saw my friends moving about and I experienced fear of missing out which was actually me resisting being here with and within my own physical body in stillness and silence as that which I was ‘running’ from as I had decided to stay in constant ‘movement’.

Memory – Quiet time for Mom

then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as my mom told me to be quiet to take it personally and react as though I was bad and not good enough because of my ‘lively’ expression – which was actually a cover up for the fact that I feared being silent, being still because I knew that within and as silence and stillness I would face myself as the darkness of my human physical body and that was what I was running away from

Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence

As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards laying in bed at night in silence and darkness because that darkness and silence reminded me of that first reaction to the darkness and silence of being inside my physical body and how I reacted to the fact that I could not move myself out of my body or away from the reactions I was experiencing – which ultimately is what brought me to fantasizing at night before I went to sleep, creating an incubator for backchat

fear being alone by ladylarks Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be petrified of being alone at night in the darkness and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to come up with ideas about witches and monsters that I would fear when in fact what I feared was nothing but the silence and darkness of myself – it was in fact nothing but myself I feared

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insist that I need to have my mom sitting by myself when I am about to fall asleep and when my mom refused to sit there I insisted to have audio cassettes to fall asleep to, to have constant and continuous sound and noise drowning out the silence of my own beingness instead of pushing myself to embrace myself and face myself and investigate the experience of fear I have towards silence and darkness inside myself – all of which has now become automated through the processes of back chat and imagination

Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it

in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘mind-movement character’ that I have created a point of positive identification towards where I have experienced pride towards being someone that is constantly moving around as I now have come to cement and substantiate that this is who I am and who I identify myself as

The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character

This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I accepted and allowed myself to develop and identify myself as a ‘moving’ character to develop the character even further where I developed a desire and need for constant movement and speed – where from a survival mechanism that was a reaction to fear I made it into a positive character for example through actively participating in imagination and visualization where I became completely obsessed with being part of the world and having experiences and basically turning myself inside out

Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people

I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.

4159633736 bcfd0fc569 z Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define, value and experience ‘life’ as ‘being in the world’ and ‘being part of the world’ specifically as going out and moving oneself in the system specifically turning myself inside out and only ever focusing on what is outside of me and what comes in from the outside and not what is inside of me

Making Mind-Movement into a Religion

We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make mind-movement into a religion where I have made my entire life about turning myself inside out and focusing on everything that is outside myself and putting things and experiences back into myself and not at all or in any way remain inside myself

The return to Darkness is the road to Hell

And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how what I am fearing – what I’ve feared all my life is in fact the return of myself to myself, to the darkness and silence of my human physical body that I’ve attempted to run away from my entire life, not seeing, realizing or understanding how it is me — and how I’ve been here all along and how what I’ve been avoiding to face all along is the responsibility of directing myself, of deciding who I am and of within that embracing myself in realizing that I am the one that decides who I am – which also means that I can change myself

(In the next post I will continue with self-corrective statements.)

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172

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I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170

January 31, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

3883241284 9071df49b9 z I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170In this post I am continuing with the mind-movement character where I am writing out self-corrective statements on the self-forgiveness statements that I walked on DAY 164 and DAY 165. As a side-note since I’ve not been writing on this character for some days, I can mention that I’ve started more effectively pushing through it in terms of not moving myself away or allowing myself to be impulsed by the experiences and thoughts that come up within me.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-CORRECTIVE AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

Within this – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution was not to move myself away from the noise and energy to prevent it from penetrating me, but to not accept or allow it to change or influence me and to instead remain stable within and as myself

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to blame my environment for my experience of myself as I react to my environment through which I believe that solution to stop my experience is to move myself away physically – I stop and I breathe and I remain here.

Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been blaming the physical environment for creating my experience of myself within concluding for example that when conflict is happening outside me (for example in hearing my mother and father fighting and slamming doors and crying) it is also happening inside myself or that the outside influence is creating my inside experience and therefore that I must move myself physically away, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that unless I am in danger, the ‘problem’ is not in my physical environment and can therefore not be solved with me moving myself away physically but only through me actually facing myself and embracing myself inside myself, realizing that I’ve reacted through internalizing what was happening in my environment. Obviously I also see, realize and understand that it might be best to move oneself in certain situations simply as a bridge to assist oneself in not reacting (like from conflicts) but in the end if the problem is initiated inside myself, that is where I have to fix it. So therefore I commit myself to stop blaming my environment for creating experiences inside myself and as such I commit myself to stop looking outside myself for solutions to what I am experiencing inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I experienced that I could not move myself to accept myself as weak and as such because of and based on this have accepted and allowed myself to create a life-long pattern of caving in and giving in whenever I experience that I can’t move myself, mentally or physically away from something I experience as difficult through which I accept myself as weak.

I see, realize and understand how I have created a relationship between facing something that is difficult or unpleasant and that which I have perceived to be the solution as moving myself away from that which is unpleasant or difficult – without seeing, realizing and understanding that I’ve within this separated myself from myself through projecting my inner experiences outside myself, thus believing that if I move myself away externally the experience will go away. And so I commit myself to when and as I see that I am facing myself in a situation where I create an experience of inner discomfort, fear or feeling that the situation is unpleasant and I feel a strong urge to physically move myself away from whatever I am working with in the moment through which I triggered the experience – to stop and breathe. I commit myself to remind myself in those moments that it is not the point I am working on or the person I am speaking to that is creating discomfort within me. If I am working on my thesis and I come across something that is difficult, this is a practical point, but if I take that difficulty personally or react to it or fear it, then that indicating a relationship I’ve created towards the particular point I am faced with, which I can only change or deal with by changing myself and facing myself and not by physically moving myself away from the point (which I see now is actually a suppression tactic)

I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170Perceiving/Judging the body/self as limited because of the inability to move and subsequently feeling trapped because of it thus creating the desire to ‘escape’.

A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I realized that I could not move myself away from the environmental influences that I was reacting towards through an experience of stress and fear and uncomfortability inside myself, to turn my reaction inwards and create a judgmental conscious experience of and towards myself where I started experiencing irritation towards myself in perceiving my own physical body as a prison type of experience in concluding that because I can’t physically move myself away from what I experience inside myself there must be something ‘wrong’ with me through which I actually started perceiving my body as a threat to me in blaming my body for my experience because I blamed my experience on my inability to move myself physically – while in no way actually investigating where the experience I am feeling comes from to begin with.

I see, realize and understand that I’ve been blaming my body and perceiving my body as a traitor to me, I’ve judged the body as useless and traitorous because I could not move myself with or out of my body as a child and therefore came to interpret the body as a prison or as a ‘somewhere’ in which I was trapped. In this – I see, realize and understand that I’ve separated myself from the body and then I’ve projected the responsibility for my own experience of myself onto the body as a ‘vessel’ separate from me – while all along I was doing it all to myself from the first moment I reacted to my environment by taking things personally and then separate myself inside myself. So I commit myself to reestablish myself here in and as my body. And I commit myself to establish a relationship with myself in and as the body of self-respect and dignity because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been punishing, abusing and exploiting the body as a form of punishment and abuse since I was a child. I commit myself to stop blaming the body for the experiences that come up within me. When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to blame the body or when I see I am experiencing irritation towards the body for a particular experience I have, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that this is a pattern of self-abuse and that I am not separate from my body. I commit myself to stop seeing the body as an enemy and as a prison that I am trapped inside, because I see, realize and understand that this is my own reaction to my experience of myself that I’ve projected onto the body. I see, realize and understand that real freedom can actually only come through bringing myself back to the physical and that it is the mind that is the prison I’ve created for/of/as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and to create a judgment towards my body as being limited and imprisoning me inside myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how it is not my body that is limited – but how I am allowing myself to be influenced by and define myself according to environmental influences instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can simply breathe and remain stable within and as myself

When and as I see that I am reacting to my environment, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that it is not the environment that is responsible for how I experience myself and that it is how I’ve defined and accepted myself in a relationship to the environment through which I am taking the influence personally. So I commit myself to take responsibility for the experience I accept and allow within and as myself as I see, realize and understand that it is my own responsibility to direct what I experience. As such I commit myself to develop stability and awareness and self-direction to stop reacting to my environment through stopping and through investigating the relationships I’ve created towards my environment in writing (an example is reacting to loud music or many people talking at once which is something I react intensely to). I see and understand that it is possible to breathe through any experience that comes up and so I commit myself to practice the point of breathing through the experiences that comes up within me so that I can realize this for a fact within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to escape my physical body so as to escape the experience I’ve created inside myself through holding my physical body responsible for my experience through blaming my physical body for me being unable to move myself away from my experience, not seeing realizing or understanding that the inability of the body to move is not responsible for my experience as I have created my experience of myself through allowing myself to be influenced by my environment and invert the energy of stress, fear and conflict I experience in my environment inside myself and accordingly define myself according to it – and therefore I am responsible for my own experience as I am the one who has created it by and within myself

tumblr kt1l6rwsnj1qzbqvao1 500 large 85901511 I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to want to escape this moment here – which I identify through tagging and flagging the experience of physical irritation and a feeling of ‘crawling inside my skin’ followed by a desire to either sleep, speak, watch TV or eat – I stop. I allow myself and I commit myself to breathe and simply be with myself for a moment there. Because I now realize see and understand that this is one of those moments that have become automated, where I react to what I experience inside myself, blame the body for it and then believe that I can get away from the experience if I move myself physically and alter/intervene with my physical experience for example through eating or sleeping. I also now see, realize and understand that the solution to stopping and directing the experiences that comes up within me, is in fact to remain in the body, rather than to run away from the body.

My beingness won’t get me anywhere

Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I judged and blamed my body for restricting me and limiting me, to in the same breath have disregarded and devalued myself as my body is myself and thus within and as that split myself inside myself annihilating my own body and thus myself essentially by blaming myself in and as separation from myself instead of simply realizing that I am the creator of my own experiences and therefore have the power and ability to change my experience of myself

I see, realize and understand that I’ve been deliberately punishing and torturing my body my entire life and that I’ve been deliberately annihilating the body through and within believing and accepting that the body is at fault for all unpleasant experiences within me – while I have oddly enough never actually given the body credit for all the positive experiences (such as in sex). I see, realize and understand now that I’ve lived my entire life in this self-annihilation without ever realizing that the part of me that I was pushing away and attempting to suffocate and quiet was in fact the part of me through which grace and peace and freedom was possible. As such I see, realize and understand that I’ve lived completely in reverse as I’ve believed that the body was the prison and the mind was the key to freedom and I can clearly see how I am still living this today in that my allegiances is more with the mind than it is with my body. As such I commit myself to walk a process of changing my allegiances from the mind to the body. And I commit myself to be patient with myself as I walk this process because I see how I’ve been loyal to the mind for a very long time and that it is going to take dedication and consistency to change my allegiance. I also see, realize and understand how one dimension of how I’ve been allegiant to the mind is because I misinterpreted the situation when I was a baby and I could not physically move myself. I realize that I blamed the body for my inability to move and in that moment I made the body my enemy while in fact I did not see how the actual point was within me reacting to and internalizing the environmental influences where I could have simply embraced it without fear or resistance and made the decision to stabilize myself inside myself. So I also see, realize and understand how I’ve lived this same moment over and over throughout the rest of my life, in every time I react, I turn to the mind and move myself in the mind while blame and ostracize the body because the experience is felt within and as the body. So – I commit myself to begin allowing myself to feel the experiences that come up within me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as I perceived and experienced that it was my body that was to blame for me not being able to move myself away from what I was experiencing inside myself, push myself away and turn myself away from myself in creating a split inside myself where I in fact came to see, define and experience myself as a threat to myself in and as separation from myself

I commit myself to initiate a process of establishing stability, integrity and self-respect for myself in and as the physical body, through breathing and through begin making decisions according to what is best for my body and not what satisfies the mind’s ‘need for speed’.

I will continue in my next post with self-forgiveness.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Consumer Zombie Survival Tips: How To Ressurect Your Happiness Machine: DAY 169

January 29, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

IMAG0472 001 879x1024 Consumer Zombie Survival Tips: How To Ressurect Your Happiness Machine: DAY 169A couple of days ago, my partner and I went to the bed-supply store to get new cover mattresses for our bed. The reason being that I am allergic to dust and for the last few months I’ve woken up every morning with allergies. And since we bought our bed second hand I have wanted to buy new mattresses to see if this could assist with my allergies. Now – before getting to the part about how to perform CPR on our inner consumer zombies how and bring ourselves back to life, there is one point I’d like to share. But if you can’t wait, I’ve placed a suggestion at the bottom of the post.

I’ve always had simplistic beds, a box mattress or something. Now we’ve upgraded to a ‘grown up’ bed. And apparently it is not enough with a bed frame and a mattress. No sir, you need cover mattresses and even covers for those mattresses because as the lady in the store explained, they prefer if you don’t wash them. So we got those. And then you need one set of sheets for the bottom mattress and another special kind of sheet for your new top mattress. And there are 17.000 different kinds of sheets and mattresses and I’ve actually looked around in the store on several previous occations where I got so totally confused by all these different sheets and mattresses that I left. But not this time.

And we don’t even have all the other kinds of fancy stuff that I’ve seen in American movies with bedspreads and bedposts and pillows you never use but put up and down the bed constantly and this little wall behind the bed I don’t get the purpose of. Phew.

And you know what? This is all one big bed-product scam. Who the fuck needs all these sheets and specialized mattresses to fit the right sheets? No one. Besides those who profit from it. The bed-product-scam-artists. That’s who. I would really enjoy being able to have one mattress with one sheet but I do get the point to a certain extent of who everyone’s needs are different and how it is cool to be able to wash the top mattress if it gets dirty. But still. It is a little overkill on the bed-product-inventions. Now you can’t even buy bedding without having to have a Ph.D. in the different kinds of linen that exist. And of course I got the wrong one. I could get three of the corners of one of the sheets I bought to fit, but the fourth corner just wouldn’t stick to the mattress. Luckily for me I bought two sheets.And as such is the modern day fairytale of the princess on the pea. It’s all about the money.

Anyways – back to the survival tips for consumer zombies:

So as we were in the shop and had gotten our stuff, in a smash-and-grab find of fashion, I happened to walk by the duvet-cover section of the store, which happened to be located right next to the check-out counter and therefore hard to miss, not unlike the candy section in the supermarkets. And there they were all the pretty little duvet-covers and pillow-covers. Oh my! In all colors and even a special Easter selection in oranges and yellows. I was smitten. As a matter of fact I had felt the desire for the duvet-covers even before we left for the store, but I am only realizing that now that I am bearing my confession here. So I came to the stop to buy bed products (which I needed at a practical level because of my allergies) and I felt an ‘urge’ to buy duvet covers (Which I did not practically need as we already have fully functional duvet covers, albeit in different colors).

I bought the duvet covers and as we were walking out of the shop I realized that I had, as I looked at the covers, (which I realize now was even before I ever saw them) I had seen an image of my bed with the covers on in the future, as though buying these duvet covers would provide me with a totally new life or life experience, the duvet covers representing a ‘perfect life’ with ‘perfect duvet covers’, like DUH! Lol. So I applied self-forgiveness as we walked home as I have been writing about my ‘money character’ over the last few months in my Danish blog, I’ve realized how extensively we are affected by advertisements. Because check it: Somewhere along the way I’ve seen that commercial over and over, you know the commercial or the billboard ad with the perfectly made bed and the perfect couple laughing with perfect white teeth. But then as I applied self-forgiveness I realized that the duvet covers are simply duvet covers, something that serves a practical purpose and thus if I am buying it to get an experience or a better life, then I am buying a lie. I am literally paying money to life on a lie.

I’ll share here some of the self-forgiveness that I’ve written in my Danish blog that I’ve translated to give further perspective on this point.

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself not to see, realize and understand how I have embedded the images I’ve seen in commercials and ads into me through fantasies where I’ve created desire and a want to have what I think is in the advertising image, like seeing a happy couple on a beach, for example, as though it is a real image of a real couple while the image is in fact connected to certain fantasies through suggestive impulses such as words, that people then integrate into themselves or try to squeeze themselves into the image and thus I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can actually push myself into advertising images and therefore have been disappointed and feel inferior when I cannot like I don’t fit the image – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the reason why I can’t fit into an image is because I am alive and real in the flesh while the image is a picture as a snapshot and a still that is not actually alive

IMAG0470 002 879x1024 Consumer Zombie Survival Tips: How To Ressurect Your Happiness Machine: DAY 169And I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to believe that the only way I can get that which the picture represents, as a fantasy or a dream, is by buying the product the image is advertising for and thus I forgive myself for have allowed and accepted myself to have allowed me to be controlled 100% by the suggestiveness of the advertising images I see to such an extent that I no longer notice how I do not buy the products I buy from free will but only from the fantasies based on advertising images I have seen as I have simply integrated these into me without even being aware of what I am doing

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself secretly desire to have an elitist life with lots of money and it comes with having lots of money as expensive cars, clothes and food, and I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to secretly fantasize about being rich and how being rich would change my perception of myself and how wonderful life would be if I were rich

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to believe that having money would make me happy and would change me as a person because I have believed that the pictures I’ve seen that would become reality if I just bought the products and thus I could get the life that I saw in the pictures, instead of seeing, realize and recognize that the images simply played on my fantasies and my fantasies used the images to be stimulated but none of it was real

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself to have created a fantasy of seeing my partner and I (a fantasy partner that looks like a tall dark haired business man) comes out of a big car in a parking space at a supermarket where I also look like a completely different person, a tall dark-haired supermodel woman – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that if only I had enough money I would be able to live the fantasy out – instead of actually stop and slow down inside me and see, realize and understand that this fantasy is based on a picture that I have seen in an add mingled with an actual memory where I was standing at a supermarket and saw a couple like those in the image in my head who displayed the attitude I saw and the clothes they had on and so thought was happy advertising picture people

Thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I wanted the image-fantasy to be real, so I superimposed it onto the couple I saw on the parking lot coming out of the car and thus only saw what I wanted to see in a snapshot moment that I then integrated into me and used to fuel the fantasy of becoming rich while I did not in any way take the time to look at or observe the real human beings – all I saw was my fantasy

And within this, I also forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that just because there are people who are able to copy the images from the advertisements – does not mean that the people from the advertisements and thus their perfect life, really exist – because the people who are able to copy such ads are only seen as snapshots too, for example in the supermarket parking lot – which means that one does not see them in their everyday life, which even for the richest person on the planet – is not pretty or picture perfect

I forgive myself for having allowed and accepted myself not to see, understand and understand that there is absolutely no connection between the images and fantasies and actually lives like there’s no connection is between purchasing products to achieve the life that is shown a picture – it’s all a big lie.

So how to stop being a consumer zombie? Next time you feel the ‘urge’ to buy a product, stop for a moment and have a look inside yourself: did an image pop up in your mind right before the urge came up, where you saw yourself in the future with the product + connected to an energetic experience of for example ‘happiness’ or ‘freedom’ or ‘adventure’ or ‘comfort’ or ‘success’? Then you can have a look at where you’ve seen this image before, for example in an advertisement. Realize that you’ve integrated that image into your mind and have connected the image to the product to the expectation of a certain experience, which is what makes you want to buy the product. Also remind yourself how, as soon as you’ve bought the product it becomes ‘part of you’ or part of your life and soon loses its promise of a new life experience. Then also realize that the only one thing that can change how you experience yourself is yourself. Advertisers prey on our addiction to images because that’s what we pay them for. To sell us a lie. Then one can simply change one’s relationship to buying products to a practical one of considering what one requires in the moment and whether it is best to purchase a certain product. Simplistic. For more support and perspectives join us at the Desteni forum.  For extended context to the point of what it means to be a consumer zombie and how we’ve become consumer zombies, I recommend watching the Century of the Self documentary.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

 

 

 

 

 

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Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166

January 17, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

Fighting parents Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166In this blog post, I will be walking realizations, corrections and self-commitment statements on the self-forgiveness I’ve written on the Mind-Movement Character thus far. Since I’ve started walking this character, I have been more prominently aware of how I’ve come to embody this mind-movement character. In fact, because it was one of the very first characters I initiated and submerged myself into, it is a lot less multi-dimensional than other characters that have an entire storyboard and wardrobe and scripts to fill it out. Because this character has a very simplistic purpose and that is to use the mind to move myself away from myself, inside myself as well as using the physical to do so. And I notice how prominent this is a part of my daily life. From what I can see at the moment, it is in a way all there is, all I’ve done – is to run around constantly running away from myself even though I’m right here. I’ve actually also now started to doubt – though not necessarily in an unpractical sense – whether or not it is the best to write this character out as extensively as I’ve planned. Because I see how planning a months-long writing session on one character can have the effect that one does simply not step to the point of correction and change. Because basically I still live this character and it has detrimental effects on my participation, so it is most certainly why I am here to write it out. Therefore I will write out the dimensions of the time-line I scripted on DAY 163 and from there I will have a look at whether there are more dimensions required to be written out or if this is in fact what is required to be written out for me to stop and change and step out of the Mind-Movement Character.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

So l will here be walking from the beginning of when I initiated the Mind-Movement character and I will script a correction for myself making the connection between the original pattern and how I am living it today.

SELF-CORRECTIVE AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS OF CHANGE

Reacting to the environment – internalizing the external instability and conflict

I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a baby and small child react to my environment by accepting and allowing stress to exist within and as me as I have accepted and allowed myself to let the energies I pick up on in my body into myself and have allowed the energetic instability and conflict to influence the stability and substance of my beingness through which I began internalizing the instability and stress and started accepting it as myself from which and where I eventually became this instability and stress as I accepted it as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I reacted to in my environment was primarily stimuli as smells and sounds when in fact what I reacted to the most, was energies.

blog.krisatomic1 Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166When and as I see that I am reacting to my environment through experiencing a physical sensation of energy within me where I perceive and experience that it is what is happening in my environment that is creating my experience, I stop and I breathe. (An example could be the stress of a cue in the supermarket where others are agitated, or if I pick up on my partner being in a bad mood). I allow myself to slow myself down through breathing to assess in common sense self-honesty for myself whether I am in fact ‘picking up on’ energies in my environment or whether I am the one projecting my own energetic reactions outwards onto my environment and when I am satisfied that it is me who is sensing the energetic reactions of another, I simply breathe and allow myself to be with the energy. Because I see, realize and understand that just because I pick up on energy does not mean that this energy defines me or influences me in any way what so ever. And I see, realize and understand that I can actually be here with the energy without fearing it or pushing it away in fear because when I stand stable here within and as myself as breath, I can simply stand with the energy without allowing it to become me. And I see, realize and understand that I’ve allowed the energy to become me. I also see, realize and understand that I’ve believed that the problem was physical – my environment, other people, noise, smells, overloading of physical sensations – but I see, realize and understand that the ‘problem’ was mental all along as energy is a mental process and that it is only within accessing and identifying myself as the mind that I have allowed myself to become influenced by energies. And so I also see, realize and understand that it doesn’t really matter whether I was affected by something in my environment or whether I created it alone within myself because the fact of the matter is that I allowed myself to define myself according to emotional and energetic experiences and more specifically of the experience of not being able to move away from – which is what I perceived as the solution as a small child – that which I was experiencing as I was projecting it onto and blaming my environment for creating experiences within me, not seeing, realizing or understanding that the solution was not to move myself away but to stand stable within myself directing the experience in common sense self-honesty.

So therefore I commit myself to stop internalizing the reactions I experience towards my environment when I am in the cue and hear someone being irritated or when I see someone fighting in a bus or when I sense that my partner is in a bad mood and I commit myself to insert a moment of pause and stop right there when I sense a change in my environment so that I can allow myself to feel whatever it is without internalizing it and making it a part of myself and fearing it and blaming it and reacting to it and I commit myself to support myself to embrace energetic reactions unconditionally as myself and as such reverse what I’ve done until now in terms of running away and pushing away.

The acceptance of self as weak starts with the baby

And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to physically move myself away from the external influence I was experiencing as a baby affecting me, but because I could not move myself I tried again and again over a period of time and when I could not move myself at all – because there was no conscious realization, I simply could not move myself away from the influence, I accepted it and I accepted myself as a weak

So what I see is that from here, two patterns or characters emerged, one being the mind-movement character where I started moving myself away inside myself and the other being the giving-in-and-giving up pattern that I’ve been writing about extensively. And I see how these are interchangeably connected and most certain affect and define who I am today.

fovos Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166So – when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in an experience of not being able to move myself away from what I am experiencing through which I step into the pattern of giving-in and giving up on myself in going into the ‘if I can’t beat them, then I’ll join them character’ I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that the origin point within this is a misunderstanding based on the fact that I could not move myself as a baby physically away from my experience, yet I did not understand that I did not have to move myself away physically as it was not my environment that was responsible for my experience of myself and that I could have simply breathed and stabilized myself inside myself – as such I see, realize and understand that I’m still living the same misunderstanding and that I’ve now turned it into a convenient self-sabotage scheme where the ‘solution’ to what I am experiencing is to give myself into it and to move myself away from it, only inside my mind and as such were the result is in fact that whatever experience I am facing, I actually amplify it and enslave myself even further to it in an ‘attempt’ to stop it. And I see, realize and understand that this experience is triggered in situations where I experience that my environment has control over me, in situations where I don’t already direct myself and as such I see, realize and understand that I’ve been creating a snowball effect through reacting to my own experiences instead of applying the simplistic solution of embracing my experience and unconditionally breathing through it without allowing myself to be influenced or defined by it. So – therefore I commit myself to practice the point of embracing my experiences instead of reacting to them.

(To be continued)

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Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165

January 14, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

igor morski 04 Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165In this blog post I am continuing to write out self-forgiveness – to in fact forgive myself for creating and assuming for and as myself the Mind-Movement Character so that I can give myself back to myself as a clean slate, like wiping a piece of a puzzle clean so that what is left when all the puzzle pieces have been wiped, is a blank canvas – a wholeness that does not have to be split into one hundred pieces to be whole again. So in this blog post I am walking another piece of the puzzle of myself to purity.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Perceiving/Judging the body/self as limited because of the inability to move and subsequently feeling trapped because of it thus creating the desire to ‘escape’.

A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I realized that I could not move myself away from the environmental influences that I was reacting towards through an experience of stress and fear and uncomfortability inside myself, to turn my reaction inwards and create a judgmental conscious experience of and towards myself where I started experiencing irritation towards myself in perceiving my own physical body as a prison type of experience in concluding that because I can’t physically move myself away from what I experience inside myself there must be something ‘wrong’ with me through which I actually started perceiving my body as a threat to me in blaming my body for my experience because I blamed my experience on my inability to move myself physically – while in no way actually investigating where the experience I am feeling comes from to begin with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and to create a judgment towards my body as being limited and imprisoning me inside myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how it is not my body that is limited – but how I am allowing myself to be influenced by and define myself according to environmental influences instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can simply breathe and remain stable within and as myself

tommybabinbenzene 1024x1024 Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to escape my physical body so as to escape the experience I’ve created inside myself through holding my physical body responsible for my experience through blaming my physical body for me being unable to move myself away from my experience, not seeing realizing or understanding that the inability of the body to move is not responsible for my experience as I have created my experience of myself through allowing myself to be influenced by my environment and invert the energy of stress, fear and conflict I experience in my environment inside myself and accordingly define myself according to it – and therefore I am responsible for my own experience as I am the one who has created it by and within myself

My beingness won’t get me anywhere

Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I judged and blamed my body for restricting me and limiting me, to in the same breath have disregarded and devalued myself as my body is myself and thus within and as that split myself inside myself annihilating my own body and thus myself essentially by blaming myself in and as separation from myself instead of simply realizing that I am the creator of my own experiences and therefore have the power and ability to change my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as I perceived and experienced that it was my body that was to blame for me not being able to move myself away from what I was experiencing inside myself, push myself away and turn myself away from myself in creating a split inside myself where I in fact came to see, define and experience myself as a threat to myself in and as separation from myself.

Thank you for walking with.

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Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving-in-and-Giving-up Pattern: DAY 164

January 11, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

409489 309930959044008 219034844800287 791246 1963943538 n1 Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving in and Giving up Pattern: DAY 164In this blog post I am writing out self-forgiveness on the first memory that I wrote out in my last blog post in the time-line of the development of the Mind-Movement character. For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

Reacting to the environment – internalizing the external instability and conflict

I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a baby and small child react to my environment by accepting and allowing stress to exist within and as me as I have accepted and allowed myself to let the energies I pick up on in my body into myself and have allowed the energetic instability and conflict to influence the stability and substance of my beingness through which I began internalizing the instability and stress and started accepting it as myself from which and where I eventually became this instability and stress as I accepted it as myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I reacted to in my environment was primarily stimuli as smells and sounds when in fact what I reacted to the most, was energies.

The acceptance of self as weak starts with the baby

And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move.

BY 54M 1024x1024 Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving in and Giving up Pattern: DAY 164I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to physically move myself away from the external influence I was experiencing as a baby affecting me, but because I could not move myself I tried again and again over a period of time and when I could not move myself at all – because there was no conscious realization, I simply could not move myself away from the influence, I accepted it and I accepted myself as a weak

Within this – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution was not to move myself away from the noise and energy to prevent it from penetrating me, but to not accept or allow it to change or influence me and to instead remain stable within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I experienced that I could not move myself to accept myself as weak and as such because of and based on this have accepted and allowed myself to create a life-long pattern of caving in and giving in whenever I experience that I can’t move myself, mentally or physically away from something I experience as difficult through which I accept myself as weak

Thank you for walking with.

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Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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Confessions of a Child: Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character: DAY 163

January 7, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

shutterstock 29655166 Confessions of a Child: Time Line of The Mind Movement Character: DAY 163In this blog post I will continue with writing out the thought component of the Mind Movement Character that I started writing about on DAY 159. I will structure the writing of my self-forgiveness based on the writing I did on DAY 161 because I can see that in my last post on DAY 162 I threw myself into the deep end of the self-forgiveness regarding the thought image of shooting through the universe, but I did not contextualize my writing as structured or as specific as I see is the most assisting. What I mean is that as I wrote out the point on DAY 161 I mentioned a lot of different dimensions of the thought image as it originated in my childhood and then on DAY 162 I simply jumped right in the middle of all these without supplying myself with a structure. And I see how easy it then is to entangle oneself or not be specific enough with the information that one has extrapolated. So therefore I will here place some key points from the writing I did on DAY 161 that I will utilize to write self-forgiveness on the thought image of shooting through the universe away from the darkness and into the light. By the way, this specific image stems from a spiritual ‘inner journey’ I had on mushrooms a couple of years back where I saw this exact point in a psychedelic version, meaning I experienced myself literally shooting through the universe chasing a ‘light’ and deliberately avoiding a ‘darkness’. However I see that the practical ways through which this point has manifested in my life and how I’ve lived according to it, is much more relevant to write out, so that is what I will focus on.

For context, here are the posts I’ve been walking so far in this series on the Mind-Movement Character:

I am again basing my writing on the answer of the Q and A I shared in the first blog post where I am specifically focusing on the point of desiring ‘life’ as the mind and how I came to live as a slave to that desire.

“…you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you.”

So in my last blog post I started opening up in self-forgiveness on the point of allowing myself to be born into this world and perceive myself in and as the physical as a threat through which I created the desire for movement. I’ll continue here in chronological order with the time line of events. So these are the points I will be walking in and as a structured write-through. I am therefore also walking the components of the Mind-Movement character a little different than what has been suggested as I am in principle walking all of these dimensions only as part of the thought component of the entire Mind-Movement Character; however I see how several points might overlap. So I will simply begin with the context I have laid out here and see how to progress as I continue writing out the points. So I have basically written out a bullet point for each point on the time-line to which I have attached a memory or a description of the particular point of change that occurred.

Mind-Movement Character Time-Line

Reacting to the environment – internalizing the external instability and conflict
I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically.

The acceptance of Self in reverse
when I was a baby and I could not move myself away from the noise, that noise and chaos was produced by a world abdicated to the mind, produced by people abdicating their beingness to the mind. And so what I faced as a consequence from the first moment I was born into this world – like everyone else – and which I only registered in some form of awareness, was the fact that I have enslaved myself, in and as the physical – my own life-substance – to the mind.

10 3651 768x1024 Confessions of a Child: Time Line of The Mind Movement Character: DAY 163The acceptance of self as weak starts with the baby
And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move.

Perceiving/Judging the body/self as limited because of the inability to move and subsequently feeling trapped because of it thus creating the desire to ‘escape’.
A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.

My beingness won’t get me anywhere
Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness

The alternative is that we die – or so we believe
Whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died.

I am the worst enemy to my own survival
I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.

Making the Choice to indulge in the world
And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options.

Demoting myself to non-existent
And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself.

‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ as the ‘solution’ to my survival
I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’.

What I want from the Mind is Life
that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself.

My People are My World
I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost.

How I defined Mind-Movement as Life
But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch.

The Mind is an escape from the Mind itself
And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison.

Memory – The 2 minute key chain
I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound

Memory – Quiet time for Mom
Then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.

littlegirl 1024x706 Confessions of a Child: Time Line of The Mind Movement Character: DAY 163Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence
As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.

Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it
in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.

The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character
This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs.

Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people
I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.

Making Mind-Movement into a Religion
We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

 

The return to Darkness is the road to Hell
And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.

In my next blog post I will continue with writing out self-forgiveness on the first of these dimensions.

Thank you for walking with.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

 

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

 

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CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161

January 2, 2013 in Anna's Process Blog

trippy 00247071 1024x576 CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161How exactly is it children are socialized or programmed to participate in the world? This is something I am investigating here inadvertedly through my own experiences with the development of the Mind Movement Character.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the previous blog posts I’ve walked thus far:

In this blog post I’ll clarify a bit on the thought Image I wrote about in my last blog post as the image I’ve selected to represent the Mind Movement Character. When I say it is the image I have selected it is because it did not ‘come to me’ as with other characters where it is absolutely obvious what the thought or image representing or comprising the character is. I located this image more through discerning the characteristics of the character in how I’ve been living it. And so since I selected it I’ve been quite doubtful as to whether it is THE image that is relevant for this character. However, when I look at my personal relationship to the image specifically in context to the memory I shared of when I was a baby/small child and I started the mind movement, it was the same/similar motion where I used the darkness/light analogy. I see now how this could explain to some extent why children become afraid of the dark. Because the darkness we’re running away from and avoiding is ourselves, the darkness of being inside one’s own physical body, in the silence of the sound of self. And I see a particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped. I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically. As a side note I can share that according to my mother, I had quite the extreme entry into the world from a certain perspective.

Because when I was born – in a snowstorm by the way – my mom got up, took a shower and then they held a party. And she has explained how I then did not cry but turned my head away from them as if I wanted to be alone. LOL – I realize now that obviously newborn babies can’t turn their heads so either my mother embellished the story or I did in my memory of her telling it. However it still makes sense. I was born into a very loud, chaotic environment which also was a tiny apartment living with my mother and my father who was severely manic at the time of my birth swinging into heavy depression and back and forth during my first few years. So what I am seeing now is that I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. I see how all children do this, because we have no other option. If we were born into the world with functioning legs, we could walk away. But we can’t. Whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die.

CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs. As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape. Had I only realized that it was the other way around and that I could have walked the opposite way, inside myself, I could have saved myself a lot of time. But that is obviously not how we were designed or how we’ve designed ourselves.

And so what do we do? We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.

So the bottom line:

I want to move myself in/through/as my mind constantly and continuously so that I don’t have to feel and be in and as the darkness of myself, as my beingness in and as my human physical body. Because that has become my prison where I hold myself completely restrained and locked and limited without any ability to move. But you know what? It is all in reverse. I completely missed the point. Because when I was a baby and I could not move myself away from the noise, that noise and chaos was produced by a world abdicated to the mind, produced by people abdicating their beingness to the mind. And so what I faced as a consequence from the first moment I was born into this world – like everyone else – and which I only registered in some form of awareness, was the fact that I have enslaved myself, in and as the physical – my own life-substance – to the mind. And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move. I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost. I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.

101337346 CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161Forming myself as a Con. Forming myself according to the con. Letting the con of the world form me. So my form became the con. The ‘form’ I accepted myself as was the mind. The physical was a mere obstacle, the ‘jail’ I was trapped in as consciousness.

Remember the Q and A I shared in the first blog post?

Q: Why would one be afraid of being here in silence/darkness/stillness with oneself? I experience this as a primary point though I don’t see much reason for it in term of ‘issues’ to sort out. That it is more like a basic point that one simply requires pushing through. Is this so?

A: The Mind plays a nice trick on you with that one – it’s not in fact that you FEAR silence/darkness/stillness, what you’re actually experiencing is an excitement that manifest towards your Mind, cause you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you

So if I bring this back to myself in relation to what it is I’ve been sharing about, that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself. Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died. I have absolutely no background in concluding this, it simply makes sense to me. But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch. And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options. And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself. And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clearcut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself. And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison. Boy was I wrong. But I still only see it ‘intellectually’ – meaning that even though I now see this, I am still not living it. My entire life is build up around this one single point of making sure that I am constantly moving myself, in/through and as the mind. So is going to be a process to walk myself back to the darkness of myself. But that is exactly why I am writing out these blogs.

So in my next blog post I will continue with self-forgiveness on the image/thought of shooting through the universe, specifically with integrating the writings I’ve shared today into my self-forgiveness and in general this writing will be the base as I write the point out.

Thanks for walking-with.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

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The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159

December 29, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Across the Universe across the universe 295168 1920 1459 1024x778 The Mind Movement Character Introduction: DAY 159This writing is an introduction to the Mind Movement Character that I will be writing about. For context this is a Q and A between myself and Sunette Spies from a chat that I will be utilizing as the starting-point for this writing in terms of flipping the point around from fear of being here to desire to be in/as the mind.

Q: Why would one be afraid of being here in silence/darkness/stillness with oneself? I experience this as a primary point though I don’t see much reason for it in term of ‘issues’ to sort out. That it is more like a basic point that one simply requires pushing through. Is this so?

A: The Mind plays a nice trick on you with that one – it’s not in fact that you FEAR silence/darkness/stillness, what you’re actually experiencing is an excitement that manifest towards your Mind, cause you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you

Writing

I am the most comfortable in an environment with sounds and lights and movement and people speaking. I enjoy being alone but only if I am moving myself. I enjoy laying in the dark about to go to sleep but only if I let the mind chatter likes a radio. Silence scares me. Non-movement scares me. Some time ago I recalled a memory from when I was a baby where I was not yet able to move myself or otherwise were conditioned to remain in the situation I was in or at least experienced myself as such and I remembered how I, because I could not move myself away from that which I feared, I started moving myself inside myself and started splitting myself and started developing thinking as a separate awareness where I literally disconnected myself from my body here. It could have been because of hearing my parents fighting though I don’t recall that specifically. I simply recall wanting to get away and move myself and not being able to and then it was like I started moving faster and faster inside myself and ‘loosened’ or ‘broke off’ a part of myself where I then felt sort of safe. And so ever since I’ve been on the move. Whenever something traumatic or difficult happened in my life, I’d dust myself off and keep moving. All I knew was that I had to keep moving. And so the result has been that I don’t want to stand still or stop or relax or rest even for a moment. ‘Instinctively’ I simply keep moving. I am the most comfortable when I am busy and when there’s loads of practical stuff to do. I tend to get kind of wonky in my mind when I am at home all the time. Because then I start moving inside my mind instead, turning on the radio of back chat chatter. When I work, it is easier for me to keep the mind quiet and focus on what I am doing. So this is what I will be walking here in greater detail. I will have a look at the individual dimensions of this Mind Movement Character so that I can effectively walk myself through it and step out of it so that I can remain here and face and embrace myself instead of spending my life and time on trying to run away from myself. I’ve written about this point in several blogs so for context here are the previous blogs I’ve written on this point:

agostino arrivabene 06 The Mind Movement Character Introduction: DAY 159

The Mind Movement Character Dimensions:

For context on what I will be walking and how to write out Character dimensions, please read the following blog by Sunette Spies:

Character Dimensions – Introduction (Writing): DAY 162

Thought:

  • Seeing myself shooting forward through the universe away from darkness and stillness into light and sound

Desire:

  • Desire to move/be in/as energetic movement, generating energetic experiences
  • Desire to feel energies moving inside myself

Fear:

  • Fear of standing still/being still/darkness
  • Fear of not being able to move

Imagination:

  • Imagining myself being swallowed and drowned by the darkness if I stop up
  • Not knowing what will happen if I stop up
  • Imagining myself being progressive and self-moving
  • Imagining how much I will get done
  • Imagining how it will be to be locked inside myself in total silence and darkness infinitely
  • Imagining what I have to do (anything!) that is not remaining here in silence with/as/within myself

Backchat

  • “I am doing important stuff”
  • “I am moving myself to help someone else”
  • “I HAVE TO move”
  • “I can’t help myself”
  • “I know I shouldn’t but it feels so good to move myself”
  • “I don’t want to sit still; it feels like I’ll burst if I don’t move myself NOW”
  • “I’ll just to this… then I’ll return to sitting still”

Reaction:

  • Panic
  • Feeling desperate
  • Feeling trapped
  • Feeling relieved when I move myself
  • Feeling happy and ecstatic and anticipating when I move myself
  • Feeling like I’ve dodged a bullet when I move myself
  • Feeling comfortable when I am moving myself like I am ‘getting somewhere’
  • Feeling uncomfortable as soon as I sit down to focus on something

Physical:

  • Feeling like I am crawling in my skin when I am sitting down
  • Feeling jittery
  • Feeling movement

Consequence:

  • The consequence is that I don’t step out of the mind
  • The consequence is that I kill myself in and as the physical
  • The consequence is that I never get to relax or rest or be intimate with myself
  • The consequence is that I don’t get to know myself
  • The consequence is that I remain within and as the mind

 

In my next blog I will continue with writing out self-forgiveness on the first dimension: thought.

Art by Agostino Arrivabene

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Projection is a Project to Protect Self-Interest: DAY 158

December 25, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Self Deception by tekhiun 756x1024 Projection is a Project to Protect Self Interest: DAY 158In this blog post I am sharing self-corrective and self-commitment statements in continuation to the following blog post:

The Gift of Projection is a Self-Honest Mirror: 157

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat about another being egotistical because of how I perceive them as not doing what I think they should be doing I stop and I breathe and I flag point this for myself as a moment to stop up – because I see, realize and understand that the moment I am busy judging or blaming another in my mind, I am literally in the process of projecting what I am accepting and allowing in myself onto the other, even if it does not feel like it and it feels so real – when I am focusing on another in any negative or positive way in my mind – it is a projection and I stop and I bring the point back to myself in looking at how I am being egotistical and accordingly I commit myself to take self-responsibility for what it is I am accepting and allowing through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

When and as I see that I am reacting towards another where I’d focus in my mind in backchat on what I perceive that the other is doing or not doing and accordingly am accepting and allowing myself to react and where I see this and remind myself that I am projecting – where I in backchat say to myself that I don’t care that I am projecting or where I come up with justifications and excuses to make myself self-righteous in projecting onto another – I stop and I give myself a deep breath and I re-commit myself here to not participate in projection or to hold onto the projection but to bring it back to myself. Because I see, realize and understand that when I project all I do is try to hide from myself to not have to face and take responsibility for myself basically so that I can keep living in a way that I know is not best for all without having to also face the consequences of my action which is the ‘doctrine’ that we’ve all be living by on earth and that is the reason for this wretched mess we’re in now. And I see, realize and understand also that hiding from oneself is redundant because we’re right here, I am right here and I cannot escape myself. All I can do is to change or not change. And if I don’t change, I’ll keep creating the same crap over and over. So therefore I commit myself to stop arguing for my reactions towards others in my mind and I commit myself to discipline myself to bring all points of projection – positive and negative – back to myself so that I can sort myself out here and not send myself on a time-loop to accumulate even more consequences for myself to sort out later.

When and as I see that I am experiencing anger towards myself within and as an experience that “I am angry at myself” I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that for me to be angry at myself it requires that there is more than one of me as there is one that is angry and one that is myself and therefore I see, realize and understand that I am only angry at myself when I separate myself from myself and so for example if or as I accept and allow myself to be egotistical and act in self-interest, I’d separate myself from what I am accepting and allowing and in that create a split through which I would get angry at myself as a polarized reaction because I had already split myself in two – and so I commit myself to stop splitting and separating myself through firstly when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to experience something towards myself stop myself and breathe. And I commit myself to investigate what it is I have separated myself from through which I’d create this experience of anger so that I can instead bring all parts of me back here and direct myself effectively as ONE in standing as the amalgamating principle within and as myself to no longer accept or allow myself to split myself into parts just so that I can fuck with myself, create inner conflict and abdicate self-responsibility.

self deception by bonnycastle d37qewe 1024x671 Projection is a Project to Protect Self Interest: DAY 158When and as I see that I am being super hard on myself or another where I’d result to bullying and blaming and judging in expecting more of another or myself I stop myself and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand how I’ve created this expectation based on a belief and an ide(al) about how I am supposed to be and how another is supposed to be in and as superiority that has nothing to do with practical, actual reality and so reality is ‘doomed’ to disappoint because it cannot live up to this idea or fantasy. And so I see, realize and understand that when I for example become angry at myself for having participated in backchat it is because I had created an idea and a belief for example about who I am supposed to be as I have compared myself to others and so in seeing that I am participating in backchat that is what I focus on, instead of simply focusing on correcting and re-aligning myself to what is best for all in stopping participation in backchat. I see, realize and understand that I can only change myself through embracing myself in saying: “this is what is, this is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so be it – now I’ll change.” Meaning that it is not complicated – it is simply a matter of recognizing and accepting that this is so and then change myself. So therefore I commit myself to stop bullying myself and to stop being hard on myself and on another because I see, realize and understand that this behavior is not an expression of ‘high standards’ or ‘living by principle’ and as such that I when I step into this character am superior but in fact that it is a self-sabotaging and self-abuse character through which and within which I prevent myself from changing in fact because I am so focused on reacting towards myself for not living up to my own unrealistic expectations.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react towards myself in anger, resentment, shame, blame and judgment within and as a particular character of perceiving myself as holding ‘high standards’ which I either project onto myself or onto another where I actually fear that part of me that I am judging because I see it as ‘wrong’ and ‘dirty’ and thus as ‘tainting’ my self-righteous self – I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am within this seeing everything in reverse because I am using morality to create a fake character of morality and high standards to actually hide my ‘true nature’ of self-interest so that I can keep existing in and as self-interest without having to deal with the consequences and so the anger I experience is actually more towards exposing myself in and as this character saying: “I don’t want this dirty beast in my house, put it in the basement so that I don’t have to look at it and the guests don’t think I am a monster when they arrive”. So through this ‘high horse morality’ character I am in fact deliberately hiding and suppressing my own evilness which also means that when the evilness does emerge and becomes visible and I see myself, it is actually a moment of gratitude and it is cool because the fact that I can see myself in self-honesty, means that I can change. So – therefore I commit myself to further investigate the ‘high horse morality’ character so that I can let it go and step out of this character and move myself to immediate self-correction instead of wasting time on judging and blaming myself through which I react with suppressing myself i.e. running away from myself.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself I stop and I breathe because I see, realize and understand that in being angry at myself I am in fact confirming for myself that whatever it is I am angry at myself towards is ‘who I am’ – I am literally in the anger solidifying myself in and as this particular point that I am angry at myself for being, which is obviously completely unreasonable and illogical. So therefore I commit myself to stop participating in anger towards myself as I have now shown myself how it is not only redundant but also how it serves the exact opposite purpose of what it is presented as, which makes it deceptive and thus I am self-deceptive when and as I participate in anger towards myself. I therefore commit myself to instead develop immediacy in moving myself to and within the simplicity of applying corrective action in terms of writing, self-forgiveness and directively changing my behavior through breathing as I see, realize and understand that this is the only way I can change in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-control and direction to self-interest and backchat and desire for stimulation and fear through abdicating my self-responsibility for myself as that desires and fear and as such making myself less than the desire and fear thus giving it control over me and as me making it my directive principle and thus making myself a slave to fear and desire

Medusa in Denial by rborozan 768x1024 Projection is a Project to Protect Self Interest: DAY 158I commit myself to re-align myself to common sense, practical and simplistic living where I prescribe for myself the basic responsibilities of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, caring for my body and interacting with others/the physical and where this is what I give my focus and attention to and so I commit myself to steer and direct my attention from entertainment and gossip and stimulation to practical common sense living. So when and as I see myself in backchat wanting to do something else than a point of responsibility that I have prescribed here for myself, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am busy sabotaging myself and that the urge/desire I am experiencing in the moment towards consuming something (which is the most frequent urge) is not real and that the value I see within it through excitement and the craving I experience, is in fact about me deliberately running away from facing myself and taking responsibility and so I see, realize and understand that I require walking a self-education process of teaching myself to live based on different principles and I see, realize and understand that this can and will never happen ‘by itself’ but only through my direct and deliberate stewardship of myself and so I commit myself to re-establish myself here as the steward of myself and I commit myself to honor my life and myself by re-educating myself to value that which is substantial and real, the physical and this process and to let go of my mental value systems which only serves the absolute destruction and detriment of life in fact as I have proven to myself time and again.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to live and act in self-interest where I see that I am experiencing myself powerless towards the particular point or addiction that I am living, I stop and I breathe and I flag this point because I see, realize and understand that when an addiction is running me by its own where it is like it has a life on its own, it is because I have made a decision for the addiction to have control over me deliberately in abdicating my own self-responsibility as creator and authority over myself and therefore I see, realize and understand that to say and experience myself as powerless towards an addiction is a deliberate self-deceptive excuse and justification to not take responsibility for myself by making something/someone else the point of superiority and power in my life when in fact it is all a charade that I have orchestrated and set in motion at my own will, which also means that I can change myself and stop accepting myself as powerless. So therefore I commit myself to investigate in detail and specificity when and as such a point comes up where I would say “I want to stop but I can’t” and to bring the point back to myself in self-responsibility in reversing the permission I’ve given myself to abdicate myself to this point. I commit myself to stop accepting it as natural and normal to exist in self-interest and to accept myself as powerless towards the ‘forces’ that emerge from within and as me as fears, desires and addictions and I commit myself to re-define and re-align what ‘normal’ and ‘natural’ means to common sense practical living in a way that is best for all.

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

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