March 30, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
The follow writing is the accumulation of several days of writing and processing. In this blog I was supposed to write the last of the self-corrective statements for the self-forgiveness I’ve walked on being hard on myself. But a curious thing has occurred since I wrote the last set of self-commitment statements: I’ve been extra hard on myself. I’ve not only been extra hard on myself, I’ve also gone into the infamous self-pity character from where a ‘golden’ backdoor opens into the land of wasting time in the most unproductive ways. And the only way I am able to stop myself is through seeing how this cannot possibly be me acting in the best interest of myself – meaning that while I am ‘in the zone’ of “I’m so bad, let me soothe myself” – it feels right. It’s an addiction. But when I get my head a few imaginative inches above ‘water’ I see how absurd it is. It is a self-destructive pattern – period. It serves no purpose. And yet I’ve let it take me over, more than once. More than I can count. The physical experience is that my head is buzzing and I feel squeezed extremely tight inside my body. So what I wanted to say is that I see that there’s no point in my writing the final self-commitment statement on the point of being hard on myself without taking its polar opposite – it’s creepy cousin into consideration. Because obviously everyone can sympathize with the guy that is being too hard on himself. Like I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve seen quite an honor in taking such a position. But who the hell sympathizes with the guy that throws pity parties in his underwear while eating Kentucky fried chicken and ignoring the starving children knocking on his door? This is obviously a gross caricature based on self-judgment, yet it is also not untrue– so what is important is that I cover both sides of the polarities. I’ve written extensively, extensively about these two polarities throughout the years and so what I see is that it is not information that is missing. It is the practical application of that information. And so I can’t only correct the point of being hard on myself – I see that now, because it is intricately connected to the point of pity-partying myself. So I will go through my self-forgiveness statements and I will look at self-corrective measures – however I will focus on doing that more realistically in relation to how the pattern actually plays itself out. Because obviously since my last post, the beast was awakened and showed that the self-corrective measures I had taken was not strong enough… yet. I still want to be hard on myself, so that I can pity myself, so that I can give up on myself and ‘be free’ and not have to take responsibility. And it my inner madhouse that ‘freedom’ is defined as ‘the freedom to consume whatever I want to without anyone being able to tell me what to do.” And this is like an eternal mantra repeating inside of me that I put mildly finally have started to get sick of. Inside of me I go: “oh my god, not this again, I can’t believe I fell for it – AGAIN!” And obviously it is not something that I ‘fall victim’ to – oh no. I’m an accomplice through and through and at the same time there’s a part of me that I’ve turned off so that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. So what I will be doing here in this blog post is writing out self-corrective statements that I can simplistically change myself according to based on seeing the entire play-out of the “being too hard, turning to self-pity” point.
Here are the previous blog posts in this series for context to what I’ll be walking here:
- How to Leave the Comforts of the Cage: DAY 193
- Compartmentalizing the Moral High Horse and the Rotten Self: DAY 192
- Does Being Hard on Myself make me a Good Person? DAY 191
- How do I Walk-With instead of Against Myself? DAY 190
When and as I see that I have made a mistake or where I think that I’ve done a mistake or where someone else points out that I’ve made a mistake – I direct myself in that moment to stand by myself and to not go into a reaction – because I see, realize and understand that I’ve created a relationship to mistakes where I see them as so terrible that ‘all is lost’ and ‘it’s all fucked, ruined’ and ‘I might as well lay down and die now’ type of experience inside myself. It feels like being hit in the stomach and having all the air sucked out of me. And when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to having made a mistake where I want to hide and suppress myself and say ‘to hell with it all’ that’s the moment I flag, and put an alarm on and have blink lights go off in my mind as to THIS IS WHERE I STOP. Because I see, realize and understand that me making a mistake or perceivably making a mistake is the activation point from where I activate the trigger point of reacting to the fact that I’ve made a mistake and it is from there I go into being hard on myself, blaming myself and eventually pitying myself to the point where I give up on myself. So I commit myself to first and foremost stop disallowing myself to make mistakes. I hereby grant myself permission to make mistakes – though not deliberately as a carte blanche – but I grant myself permission to make mistakes so that I can’t use mistakes against myself within and as the mind. I’ve made nearly all the mistakes in the book, like I’ve made the mistakes. I see that I’ve created this relationship to mistakes due to instances in my childhood where I had made mistakes and was shocked upon being ‘caught’ by adults and this is the pattern I’ve been repeating over and over. And I see, realize and understand clearly now that the self-pity phase of the pattern is in direct blame and spite towards ‘the adults’ which I perceive as having wrongfully accused me, now played by: myself in my mind. So I’m playing all the parts in my own little psycho-drama, even this part. So yes – from now on I am allowed to make mistakes. I won’t accept or allow myself to disown myself because I’ve made a mistake. I’ve made mistakes before, I’m still here.
So I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to being against myself and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get some form of sadistic kick out of spiting/hating/judging/ridiculing and disregarding myself.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-deprecating backchat such as thinking that “I’m an idiot”, “I’m such an idiot”, “I’m such a failure”, “I might as well just die” to stop in that moment, simply stop what I’m doing and flag this particular backchat. Because I see, realize and understand now that I have been deliberately deprecating myself in and as a positively energized character/personality/pattern where I enjoy and get a kick out of belittling myself and being hard on myself. I’ve literally been addicted to the energetic experience that I, as the mind have gotten out of being hard on myself. I see, realize and understand now that being hard on myself serves NO practical purpose in my life. It’s not about me being self-honest and forthcoming; it’s all about an addiction to this particular form of energy. And I commit myself to let it go. I let of this energy and I let go of this addiction to this energy. I realize, see and understand that I DON’T have to be hard on myself to live effectively – quite the contrary as I’ve proven to myself. As such I see, realize and understand that I don’t have an excuse to stop being hard on myself. And I see, realize and understand that the only purpose with this pattern/personality/character is to launch myself into the cyclic pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and eventually giving up on myself and I see, realize and understand how this is an defense mechanism of the mind because as I’ve established I activate this pattern when I’ve either made a mistake or perceive myself as having made a mistake. As such I am in that moment in a potential point of transformation if I were to take the mistake and walk the point of correction OR realize that I didn’t actually make a mistake and such stop diminishing myself. So this is the core-realization from these writings. I have been hard on myself, pitied myself and given up on myself to prevent myself from changing and correcting myself.
As such I commit myself to establish a new direction in my relationship to making mistakes. I realize that I can’t simply say that now I’m fully okay with making mistakes –because I’m not. So what I am going to do is to place here a self-corrective application to first and foremost prevent myself from activating the pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and giving up on myself. So I commit myself to as soon as I’ve made a mistake or perceive myself as having made a mistake – to breathe the mistake and be here with the mistake and embrace the mistake, instead of fearing it and pushing it away. So I will test this and I will test myself and I will see what works. Because I simply got to change my relationship with the point of making mistakes. Because I realize that mistakes will and do happen. And if I can’t even handle making a mistake, how I am I going to be able to walk this process? If I, every time I make a mistake go completely haywire in my mind and activate an entire infinity cycle (time-loop) – then none of this matters. Then I’m wasting my time.
I commit myself to let go of and to STOP seeing being hard on myself as a good and positive thing. I realize that it is not and that the only one that’s getting something out of me being hard on myself is the addiction to energy that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to. I see, realize and understand that I am harming myself when I am being hard on myself and that I am fucking myself and manipulating myself to activate the cycle. So I stop.
I see, realize and understand that the ONLY real solution to making a mistake is to embrace the fact that I’ve made a mistake without judgment or fear and to then simply look at the practical correction necessary. I commit myself to practice STOP being afraid of making a mistake until I have no more fear for making mistakes. I commit myself to take myself in the hand and walk with myself in and as who I am here – mistakes and all – because I see, realize and understand that I am my responsibility and no one else’s. No one is making me do anything. No one else is blaming or judging me for making mistakes, only me. So I see, realize and understand that only by walking with/as/within myself in taking my own hand – being my own hand – can I stand fully self-responsible and self-directed and thus I see, realize and understand that I’ve misdirected myself to believe that I had to be hard on myself to contain my own evil only to realize that the harder I’ve been on myself, the more out of control I’ve also been – and as such, the two are interwoven and connected. So I commit myself to practice, practice, practice the point of being here with myself – of being on my own side. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve automated the point of being hard on myself so therefore at first I realize that it will require my pushing myself to change this pattern until I have changed myself and no longer have to push.
I commit myself to change my relationship to my own inner evil. Because I see, realize and understand that the way that I’ve related to my own evil in shunning it and judging it and fearing it, has only made it grow and become this huge monster, almost like a huge suit that I step into and become this monster that just wants to consume, consume, consume. So – I commit myself to forgive myself as the monster I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become and in that I commit myself to change myself as the monster that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, through redefining and repurposing myself. So what good is a consumer-monster? I see how the reversal of the consumer monster actually is self-satisfaction, wholeness – being here with myself without needing to do or be anything. So that’s the point I will be working on, to be comfortable in my own skin as I’ve written about be before.
I also commit myself to let go of all Christian preprogramming that I’ve subjected myself to as I’ve come into this world and I commit myself to let go of my over-taking of my mom’s values and life purposes of escaping her family because I see, realize and understand that my life is different and some of the things my mom had to do for herself was cool but that doesn’t mean that I have to do the same. I can be me. I don’t have to rebel against an oppressing system. On the contrary, I commit myself to stop believing that freedom is to rebel and to consume and I commit myself to stop believing that responsibility is to oppress and control. I see, realize and understand that freedom and responsibility are not mutually exclusive or that one has to win over the other. In fact I see, realize and understand that real freedom can only come with responsibility and I can only take responsibility in fact if I am unconditionally facing and embracing myself because otherwise there’s constantly parts of myself that I’m hiding from myself.
I commit myself to stop walking against myself because I’ve seen, realized and understood that I am not to be pitied and being against myself is something I’ve done deliberately in spitefulness and in blame and it has no practical value. I see, realize and understand that it will be a process that will take as long as it takes for me to step out of the pattern of walking and being against myself. So I commit myself to be patient with myself as I change myself slowly but surely and I know exactly when and how it is that I’ve been living this pattern and so it is quite straight forward in terms of seeing what it is I require changing and stopping within and as myself.
When and as I see that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others as outside and separate from me, for reprimanding me or telling me that I’ve made a mistake – where my fear of making mistakes or judgment towards myself for having made a mistake is directed towards others where I am in this ‘zone’ of saying in my mind: “oh no, here I go again making stupid mistakes and everyone hates me and yes I’m so bad.” I stop – and I breathe and I stabilize myself here. Because I see, realize and understand that there are no ‘others’ who are participating in my blaming game. It’s all myself doing it to myself. No one else is being hard on me. And as such – I commit myself to stop projecting blame outside myself and I commit myself to instead take responsibility for how I’ve been treating and living within and as myself –as my own responsibility for me.
I see, realize and understand that what I thought was freedom – the freedom to consume whatever I wanted whenever I wanted – is NOT real freedom, but in fact real enslavement. And I see, realize and understand how I’ve been using the pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and giving up on myself all as a justification for living the ‘freedom’ of ‘consumption without consequence’. So I commit myself to redefine freedom and responsibility so that I can live those words in a way that is best for me and thus best for all.
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