addiction

It’s My Pity-Party and I’ll Die if I want to… Die if I want to: DAY 194

March 30, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

The follow writing is the accumulation of several days of writing and processing. In this blog I was supposed to write the last of the self-corrective statements for the self-forgiveness I’ve walked on being hard on myself. But a curious thing has occurred since I wrote the last set of self-commitment statements: I’ve been extra hard on myself. I’ve not only been extra hard on myself, I’ve also gone into the infamous self-pity character from where a ‘golden’ backdoor opens into the land of wasting time in the most unproductive ways. And the only way I am able to stop myself is through seeing how this cannot possibly be me acting in the best interest of myself – meaning that while I am ‘in the zone’ of “I’m so bad, let me soothe myself” – it feels right. It’s an addiction. But when I get my head a few imaginative inches above ‘water’ I see how absurd it is. It is a self-destructive pattern – period. It serves no purpose. And yet I’ve let it take me over, more than once. More than I can count. The physical experience is that my head is buzzing and I feel squeezed extremely tight inside my body. So what I wanted to say is that I see that there’s no point in my writing the final self-commitment statement on the point of being hard on myself without taking its polar opposite – it’s creepy cousin into consideration. Because obviously everyone can sympathize with the guy that is being too hard on himself. Like I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve seen quite an honor in taking such a position. But who the hell sympathizes with the guy that throws pity parties in his underwear while eating Kentucky fried chicken and ignoring the starving children knocking on his door? This is obviously a gross caricature based on self-judgment, yet it is also not untrue– so what is important is that I cover both sides of the polarities. I’ve written extensively, extensively about these two polarities throughout the years and so what I see is that it is not information that is missing. It is the practical application of that information. And so I can’t only correct the point of being hard on myself – I see that now, because it is intricately connected to the point of pity-partying myself. So I will go through my self-forgiveness statements and I will look at self-corrective measures – however I will focus on doing that more realistically in relation to how the pattern actually plays itself out. Because obviously since my last post, the beast was awakened and showed that the self-corrective measures I had taken was not strong enough… yet. I still want to be hard on myself, so that I can pity myself, so that I can give up on myself and ‘be free’ and not have to take responsibility. And it my inner madhouse that ‘freedom’ is defined as ‘the freedom to consume whatever I want to without anyone being able to tell me what to do.” And this is like an eternal mantra repeating inside of me that I put mildly finally have started to get sick of. Inside of me I go: “oh my god, not this again, I can’t believe I fell for it – AGAIN!” And obviously it is not something that I ‘fall victim’ to – oh no. I’m an accomplice through and through and at the same time there’s a part of me that I’ve turned off so that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. So what I will be doing here in this blog post is writing out self-corrective statements that I can simplistically change myself according to based on seeing the entire play-out of the “being too hard, turning to self-pity” point.

Here are the previous blog posts in this series for context to what I’ll be walking here:

When and as I see that I have made a mistake or where I think that I’ve done a mistake or where someone else points out that I’ve made a mistake – I direct myself in that moment to stand by myself and to not go into a reaction – because I see, realize and understand that I’ve created a relationship to mistakes where I see them as so terrible that ‘all is lost’ and ‘it’s all fucked, ruined’ and ‘I might as well lay down and die now’ type of experience inside myself. It feels like being hit in the stomach and having all the air sucked out of me. And when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to having made a mistake where I want to hide and suppress myself and say ‘to hell with it all’ that’s the moment I flag, and put an alarm on and have blink lights go off in my mind as to THIS IS WHERE I STOP. Because I see, realize and understand that me making a mistake or perceivably making a mistake is the activation point from where I activate the trigger point of reacting to the fact that I’ve made a mistake and it is from there I go into being hard on myself, blaming myself and eventually pitying myself to the point where I give up on myself. So I commit myself to first and foremost stop disallowing myself to make mistakes. I hereby grant myself permission to make mistakes – though not deliberately as a carte blanche – but I grant myself permission to make mistakes so that I can’t use mistakes against myself within and as the mind. I’ve made nearly all the mistakes in the book, like I’ve made the mistakes. I see that I’ve created this relationship to mistakes due to instances in my childhood where I had made mistakes and was shocked upon being ‘caught’ by adults and this is the pattern I’ve been repeating over and over. And I see, realize and understand clearly now that the self-pity phase of the pattern is in direct blame and spite towards ‘the adults’ which I perceive as having wrongfully accused me, now played by: myself in my mind. So I’m playing all the parts in my own little psycho-drama, even this part. So yes – from now on I am allowed to make mistakes. I won’t accept or allow myself to disown myself because I’ve made a mistake. I’ve made mistakes before, I’m still here.

So I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to being against myself and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get some form of sadistic kick out of spiting/hating/judging/ridiculing and disregarding myself.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-deprecating backchat such as thinking that “I’m an idiot”, “I’m such an idiot”, “I’m such a failure”, “I might as well just die” to stop in that moment, simply stop what I’m doing and flag this particular backchat. Because I see, realize and understand now that I have been deliberately deprecating myself in and as a positively energized character/personality/pattern where I enjoy and get a kick out of belittling myself and being hard on myself. I’ve literally been addicted to the energetic experience that I, as the mind have gotten out of being hard on myself. I see, realize and understand now that being hard on myself serves NO practical purpose in my life. It’s not about me being self-honest and forthcoming; it’s all about an addiction to this particular form of energy. And I commit myself to let it go. I let of this energy and I let go of this addiction to this energy. I realize, see and understand that I DON’T have to be hard on myself to live effectively – quite the contrary as I’ve proven to myself. As such I see, realize and understand that I don’t have an excuse to stop being hard on myself. And I see, realize and understand that the only purpose with this pattern/personality/character is to launch myself into the cyclic pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and eventually giving up on myself and I see, realize and understand how this is an defense mechanism of the mind because as I’ve established I activate this pattern when I’ve either made a mistake or perceive myself as having made a mistake. As such I am in that moment in a potential point of transformation if I were to take the mistake and walk the point of correction OR realize that I didn’t actually make a mistake and such stop diminishing myself. So this is the core-realization from these writings. I have been hard on myself, pitied myself and given up on myself to prevent myself from changing and correcting myself.

As such I commit myself to establish a new direction in my relationship to making mistakes. I realize that I can’t simply say that now I’m fully okay with making mistakes –because I’m not. So what I am going to do is to place here a self-corrective application to first and foremost prevent myself from activating the pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and giving up on myself. So I commit myself to as soon as I’ve made a mistake or perceive myself as having made a mistake – to breathe the mistake and be here with the mistake and embrace the mistake, instead of fearing it and pushing it away. So I will test this and I will test myself and I will see what works. Because I simply got to change my relationship with the point of making mistakes. Because I realize that mistakes will and do happen. And if I can’t even handle making a mistake, how I am I going to be able to walk this process? If I, every time I make a mistake go completely haywire in my mind and activate an entire infinity cycle (time-loop) – then none of this matters. Then I’m wasting my time.

I commit myself to let go of and to STOP seeing being hard on myself as a good and positive thing. I realize that it is not and that the only one that’s getting something out of me being hard on myself is the addiction to energy that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to. I see, realize and understand that I am harming myself when I am being hard on myself and that I am fucking myself and manipulating myself to activate the cycle. So I stop.

I see, realize and understand that the ONLY real solution to making a mistake is to embrace the fact that I’ve made a mistake without judgment or fear and to then simply look at the practical correction necessary. I commit myself to practice STOP being afraid of making a mistake until I have no more fear for making mistakes. I commit myself to take myself in the hand and walk with myself in and as who I am here – mistakes and all – because I see, realize and understand that I am my responsibility and no one else’s. No one is making me do anything. No one else is blaming or judging me for making mistakes, only me. So I see, realize and understand that only by walking with/as/within myself in taking my own hand – being my own hand – can I stand fully self-responsible and self-directed and thus I see, realize and understand that I’ve misdirected myself to believe that I had to be hard on myself to contain my own evil only to realize that the harder I’ve been on myself, the more out of control I’ve also been – and as such, the two are interwoven and connected. So I commit myself to practice, practice, practice the point of being here with myself – of being on my own side. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve automated the point of being hard on myself so therefore at first I realize that it will require my pushing myself to change this pattern until I have changed myself and no longer have to push.

I commit myself to change my relationship to my own inner evil. Because I see, realize and understand that the way that I’ve related to my own evil in shunning it and judging it and fearing it, has only made it grow and become this huge monster, almost like a huge suit that I step into and become this monster that just wants to consume, consume, consume. So – I commit myself to forgive myself as the monster I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become and in that I commit myself to change myself as the monster that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, through redefining and repurposing myself. So what good is a consumer-monster? I see how the reversal of the consumer monster actually is self-satisfaction, wholeness – being here with myself without needing to do or be anything. So that’s the point I will be working on, to be comfortable in my own skin as I’ve written about be before.

I also commit myself to let go of all Christian preprogramming that I’ve subjected myself to as I’ve come into this world and I commit myself to let go of my over-taking of my mom’s values and life purposes of escaping her family because I see, realize and understand that my life is different and some of the things my mom had to do for herself was cool but that doesn’t mean that I have to do the same. I can be me. I don’t have to rebel against an oppressing system. On the contrary, I commit myself to stop believing that freedom is to rebel and to consume and I commit myself to stop believing that responsibility is to oppress and control. I see, realize and understand that freedom and responsibility are not mutually exclusive or that one has to win over the other. In fact I see, realize and understand that real freedom can only come with responsibility and I can only take responsibility in fact if I am unconditionally facing and embracing myself because otherwise there’s constantly parts of myself that I’m hiding from myself.

I commit myself to stop walking against myself because I’ve seen, realized and understood that I am not to be pitied and being against myself is something I’ve done deliberately in spitefulness and in blame and it has no practical value. I see, realize and understand that it will be a process that will take as long as it takes for me to step out of the pattern of walking and being against myself. So I commit myself to be patient with myself as I change myself slowly but surely and I know exactly when and how it is that I’ve been living this pattern and so it is quite straight forward in terms of seeing what it is I require changing and stopping within and as myself.

When and as I see that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame others as outside and separate from me, for reprimanding me or telling me that I’ve made a mistake – where my fear of making mistakes or judgment towards myself for having made a mistake is directed towards others where I am in this ‘zone’ of saying in my mind: “oh no, here I go again making stupid mistakes and everyone hates me and yes I’m so bad.” I stop – and I breathe and I stabilize myself here. Because I see, realize and understand that there are no ‘others’ who are participating in my blaming game. It’s all myself doing it to myself. No one else is being hard on me. And as such – I commit myself to stop projecting blame outside myself and I commit myself to instead take responsibility for how I’ve been treating and living within and as myself –as my own responsibility for me.

I see, realize and understand that what I thought was freedom – the freedom to consume whatever I wanted whenever I wanted – is NOT real freedom, but in fact real enslavement. And I see, realize and understand how I’ve been using the pattern of being hard on myself, pitying myself and giving up on myself all as a justification for living the ‘freedom’ of ‘consumption without consequence’. So I commit myself to redefine freedom and responsibility so that I can live those words in a way that is best for me and thus best for all.

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It’s My Pity Party and I’ll Die if I want to… Die if I want to: DAY 194

Tags: addiction, Art, Forgiveness, Pity-Party, Self Change, Self-Abuse, self-deprecation, Self-Destructive behavior, self-empowerment, Self-Judgment, Writers Resources, Writing
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The MORE We Consume, The LESS We Live: DAY 105

September 7, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo. Click image to connect with Marlen

How is it that the MORE we Consume, the LESS we in fact become? How is our desire for MORE connected to our FEAR of LOSS? Who am I as FEAR of LOSS in GREED? I am continuing here with Self-Corrective Self-Commitment statements on the Consumption Character from:

We Created the Gina Rineharts of this World: DAY 104 Consuming Life To Live Life: DAY 99
I CONsuME: DAY 98
The Consumption Character: DAY 97
Stepping out of the Temptation Character: DAY 96
And Lead us not into Temptation, but Deliver us from Evil: Day 95
The Temptation Character: Day 94
Desire to Connect/Fear of not Connecting with Others: DAY 88
Oneness According to The Jealousy Character: DAY 87
‘My Precious’ Addiction Redefined (PART 2): DAY 53
Gollum, Sméagol and ‘My Precious’ Addiction (PART 1): DAY 52
Addicted to Abuse of Substance (Part 2): DAY 48
Addiction as ‘Life’ (Part 1) DAY 47
Give ME MORE or I’ll Throw a TANTRUM! (Part 3): DAY 46
More IS Less (Part 2): DAY 45
MORE Wants MORE Wants MORE (Part 1): DAY 44

When and as I see that I am participating within and as the Consumption Character from a starting-point of fear of loss/lacking where I for example fear not getting enough food or not getting as much as another, where I will experience an urge/want/need/desire to get/have/consume MORE and MORE THAN another – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to my physical body in and as self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up as life in equality and oneness as what is best for all.

I see, realize and understand that I have suppressed my fear of loss/lacking because I feared even facing and admitting to myself that I have existed within fear of loss and lacking but I also see, realize and understand that I have feared facing myself within and as fear of loss/lacking because if I were to face that in self-honesty, I’d have to give up and actually allow myself to live

I see, realize and understand that the more I accept and allow myself to participate within and as desire/want/need/urge for MORE – the more I will perpetuate my fear of loss/lacking because that is the starting-point of ‘who I am’ within and as my desire/want/need/urge for MORE

I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to act within and as a want/need/desire and urge to have MORE and MORE THAN another – that I am in fact justifying inequality within and as this existence as valid, real and righteous and that another should have LESS so that I can get more and thereby implicitly justify my own acceptance of myself as LESS THAN

I commit myself to stop suppressing and denying my fear of loss/lacking and to instead give myself the gift, opportunity and responsibility to ‘turn every stone’ of ‘who I am’ as fear of loss/lacking so as to walk-through and transcend this fear and actually and in fact stop existing within and as a starting-point of fear where I consequently create a want/need/desire and urge to consume and waste Life and never actually get to Live in and as Equality and Oneness with what is here

When and as I see, that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into the Consumption Character through participating within and as fear as backchat of ‘hording’ where my justification I make to myself is that “I must make sure I have enough… just in case” – I stop. I bring myself back here in self-integrity in and as my physical body in and as the decision and dedication to stand up as life in equality and oneness as what is best for all.

I see, realize and understand that I within accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of loss/lacking have accepted and allowed myself to justify and believe that I have a ‘right’ to take from others deliberately and make them deliberately have/be less, because all I have cared about it is me having more within fearing to lose what believe I have

I see, realize and understand that within existing in fear of loss/lacking – I am in fact existing within and as accepting myself as already having lost/being lost and lacking and as such no matter how much I gain or get – it will never be enough, because I did not change my starting point of accepting and creating myself as lacking/lost/having lost

I see, realize and understand that the only reason why I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of loss/lacking – is because I have already accepted myself as separate from myself – and thus as lost – and separate from the physical and thus lacking and from there have created an illusion/delusion that it possible to have/gain/get MORE – when in fact all I’ve ever accepted of myself is less and the MORE I’ll chase/want/desire/need/urge for – the LESS I’ll accept and confirm and validate myself as

I commit myself to stop and step out of the fear of not having/getting/being enough – as I see, realize and understand that I am the one who have created the illusion of loss/lacking, when in fact I am existing within a physical reality that has provided everything unconditionally for me to sustain myself – while I have given nothing and have in fact only been taking and exploiting and depleting the earth and life as what is here

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to experience an urge/want/need/desire to take more than others and to experience fear when I see/perceive others as taking more than me – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here in and as my physical body in self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up as life in equality and oneness as what is best for all.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to throw a tantrum of perceiving/experiencing it as unfair that others take more than me – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here in and as my physical body in self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up as life in equality and oneness as what is best for all.

When and as I see that I, in a situation of sharing with others are deliberately wanting/needing/urging/desiring to take more than the other – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here in and as my physical body in self-integrity within and as the decision and dedication to stand up as life in equality and oneness as what is best for all.

I see, realize and understand that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a constant continuous experience and acceptance of greed – as I have justified my fear of loss because I have believed and accepted my survival as the most important thing in the universe and have believed and accepted that everyone else are the same and thus that I am in a constant battle with everyone and everything to be the one that gets to live and exist

I see, realize and understand that by accepting and allowing myself to justify myself existing in and as greed based on my acceptance of myself to exist in a constant fear of loss/lacking I am directly and indirectly responsible for and are the creator of the inequality that exists and is being allowed in this world, and how some justify their gross wealth by taking it for granted and by placing themselves in a position in their heads and in their relationships with each other where they believe that they are more important than everyone else in the world and through deliberately denying and ignoring the direct responsibility they have for the life of others that are suffering and starving which is what enables them to live and exist in greed and luxury

I see, realize and understand that I because I instead of sharing with another equally as one, have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting enough, not getting my share, lacking as such become possessed by fear of loss where I believe and accept that I must make sure that I always get/take/have more – are directly and indirectly responsible for and the creator of a world system where no one is sharing what is here unconditionally in equality and where everyone fears for only their own survival and because of this will literally destroy and maim the earth, the children, the animals, the planets and each other as human beings – and as such exist as exactly that which we fear losing, where we through our fear of loss are making the loss more and more evident

I see, realize and understand that I am the one who have feared that I would get enough, have enough from the world as the earth as resources such as food, while in fact the earth has been giving to me and providing for me unconditionally since the moment I was born and until now and that I am the one who is not giving or sharing or proving for or nurturing what is here as life with me, as me, in equality and oneness and such I see, realize and understand that I within my fear of not getting am in fact showing myself who I am – as who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I commit to stop and delete and let go of fear of loss because I see, realize and understand the consequences of me participating in fear of loss, where I’m in fact manifesting loss for myself and thus the fear is entirely useless and detrimental in fact

I commit myself to share with another in equality what is here and to in moments of experiencing fear of loss and fear of not having enough or getting my share, to simply say: fuck off to the fear and the backchat that emerges within and as my mind – and then to deliberately share what is here unconditionally within and as remaining here as breath in my physical body not allowing myself to be controlled or directed by fear

I commit myself to show how we are individually as well as collectively through our acceptance of ourselves existing within and as fear of loss and the subsequential justification of greed and self-interest that we accept and allow ourselves to control and direct us, are in fact manifesting exactly that which we fear: loss of life – and thereby we’re in our fear of loss in fact existing in a delusion and self-deception that is simply based on holding on to the refusal to let go of self-interest in/as ourselves as the mind while in fact WE DO KNOW that we can never be life and live life as long as we exist in fear of losing life and as such I commit myself to delete and transcend the fear of loss and thus become someone who is standing as an example of how when one lets go of fear of loss and start living within and as the principle of giving to all as one would like to receive that life in fact will open itself up and can be birthed as who we are from the physical

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to create, manifest and participate within and as experience as a reaction of feeling empty to when I perceive that another has taken more than me or when I simply don’t get to get/have/take MORE and consume more – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back to myself in and as my physical in self-integrity in the decision and dedication to stand up as life in equality and oneness as what is best for all.

I see, realize and understand that I have deliberately feared avoided and resisted and denied the experience of emptiness within and as myself instead of investigating who and what I am as that emptiness and whether it is even real or not and as such by acting in fear of this feeling, have subjected and submitted myself to it in accepting myself as inferior to it and thus the more that I’ve attempted to avoid it – the more I have in fact immersed myself within and as it

I see, realize and understand that my experience of feeling empty when I don’t get MORE and MORE THAN is based on my acceptance of myself as separate from myself and thus as separate from what is here as life – where the feeling of emptiness is in fact showing me who and what I have accepted myself as, as only always chasing after MORE and believing that only when I have/get/take MORE will I be complete, satisfied and full – when in fact my entire starting-point from the beginning has been accepting myself as LESS and LESS than and as separate – and thus I have created the emptiness because I have denied myself as Life in equality and oneness when in fact all is already here

I commit myself to stop and delete and step out of and let go of the experience of emptiness and to face myself within and as the experience of emptiness and to embrace myself within and as the experience of emptiness in recognizing, seeing, realizing and understand that this experience is showing me who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create myself as, in my deliberate annihilation, separation from, abdication of myself here as Life in equality and oneness

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The MORE We Consume, The LESS We Live: DAY 105

Tags: addiction, Consumption Character, desire for more, Earth, Earth religion, Gollum, More wants more, obesity, One Ring, overconsumption, Sméagol, Substance Abuse, wanting more
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I CONsuME: DAY 98

August 28, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

“Consumption is the sole end and purpose of all production; and the interest of the producer ought to be attended to, only so far as it may be necessary for promoting that of the consumer.” – Adam Smith

“The model of ownership, in a society organized round mass consumption, is addiction.” – Christopher Lasch

This is a continuation to:

The Consumption Character: DAY 97
Stepping out of the Temptation Character: DAY 96
And Lead us not into Temptation, but Deliver us from Evil: Day 95
The Temptation Character: Day 94
Desire to Connect/Fear of not Connecting with Others: DAY 88
Oneness According to The Jealousy Character: DAY 87 ‘My Precious’ Addiction Redefined (PART 2): DAY 53
Gollum, Sméagol and ‘My Precious’ Addiction (PART 1): DAY 52 Addicted to Abuse of Substance (Part 2): DAY 48
Addiction as ‘Life’ (Part 1) DAY 47 Give ME MORE or I’ll Throw a TANTRUM! (Part 3): DAY 46
More IS Less (Part 2): DAY 45
MORE Wants MORE Wants MORE (Part 1): DAY 44

Before continuing with the Self-Forgiveness on the Consumption Character, I am going to write out some more focal points. How did we come to define nourishment and physical support as ‘consumption’? Why and how do we accept consumption as ‘natural’? Who is the Consumer really?

One point I saw yesterday after I’d written the blog, is that the word Consumption is much alike the word Consummation. That is a transaction in Economic terms and the act of ‘completing’ a marriage by having sex. So when we consume, we do it with the purpose of ‘completing’ ourselves, as I wrote about yesterday in relation to filling oneself up – again what happens with sex as well.

Another point in relation to consumption, is how we call ourselves and each other ‘consumers’ as the most natural thing in the world, while in fact the word consume means to ‘waste’ or ‘use up’ so for example when we buy food, we’re not simply nurturing ourselves or when we buy clothes we’re not simply supporting ourselves with a practical living application. This can obviously be seen in the consequences of our consumer culture – of how we’re literally using up the world, other countries, the animals, nature and even our own human bodies.

So, we’ve redefined physically nurturing ourselves and our human physical bodies, for example with food, as ‘consumption’ and have sneaked it into our vocabulary as a ‘given’ without even considering what we are saying when we call ourselves and each other ‘consumers’.

My life has been about consumption virtually from the moment I was born and through assuming the Consumption Character I’ve driven me into self-abuse and addiction, only caring about the next point of consumption as getting energetic experiences through consuming the physical to ‘fill’ myself up.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a relationship to life in and as the physical and myself in and as the mind in the physical where I exist to constantly fill myself up to become whole, yet experiencing myself as having/being a hole and thus exist in an infinite loop of consumption and depletion

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and live and exist from a starting-point of a thought as an image of me filling myself up, yet where a ‘hole’ keeps that which I fill myself up with keeps ‘leaking’ out of me, so that I constantly have to keep filling myself up

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become completely preoccupied with and consumed by the desire/want/need of filling myself up, while I disregard and ignore and suppress that which I perceive/believe/experience to be a hole in myself, only focused on filling myself up and thus do not understand why I am not being filled and accept the fact that I have to fill myself again and again – not seeing, realizing or understanding that no matter how many times I fill myself up, I will never be full

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate physical nourishment and support with consumption within and as redefining physical nourishment and support as consumption in having made myself believe and accept that I must consume life to be/get/have life and as such having manifested consumption in the place where nourishment should be in the world system in justifying and legitimizing it as real, through collectively as all humans agree that we are ‘consumers’ existing to ‘consume’ life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing and thus accepting as real, that I can fill myself up and become whole through consuming the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist based on a starting-point of wanting/needing/desiring to fill myself up and make myself whole

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become consumed by the desire/want/need to fill myself up and make myself whole

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that what I need and require to become whole and fill myself up is outside and separate from me in and as my external reality as the physical that I need and require to place/put/insert into myself from outside and in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I believe that I need and require to put/place/insert something outside and separate from me into me to become whole, is because I’ve separated myself from myself and that the very want/need/desire within and as me to fill myself out is based on a belief/acceptance of myself as being half/hole/lacking – due to the fact that I’ve separated myself from myself in and as the physical – it is therefore I believe that by consuming the physical, I can make myself whole again, in “taking me back to regain me” – yet I am acting WITHIN separation/as separation and thus all I do is to further distance myself from/as/within myself and thus confirm my self-separation the more I try to fill myself up with something as outside and separate from me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, from accepting and allowing the thought as an image of filling myself up within also leaking that which I fill up direct and control my entire being and live and from this have accepted and allowed myself to participate actively in and through my mind in imagining how I will fill myself up within imaging how, when I eat this, smoke this, fuck this, watch this, drink this, speak this, hear this, see this, get this (whatever it is): I will be full. I will feel full, whole, completed, satisfied. I can finally be myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously hold the desire/want/need to fill myself up and make myself complete preoccupy me within and as imagining this “ahh” moment of finally being able to relax, to be complete, full, whole.

I forgive myself that I’ve deceived myself into believing – and thus manipulate myself within and as justifying my starting-point of chasing after being whole, through imagining that I’ll be able to do all the things I’ve not done because of how experienced myself as always lacking chasing after that point of full-fill-ment and so that I must keep trying to fill myself up until I get to that point and that I cannot be satisfied with myself or relax until I do – not seeing, realizing or understanding that this moment and point never comes as the entire leaking/lacking filling/full dichotomy is something I have created through /within and as my relationship to my mind and the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through participating within and as internal conversation in my mind, talk myself further and further into the consumption character, where, as I participate in my internal conversation, I confirm my want/need/desire to consume as real yet at the same time confirm my belief/acceptance/experience of myself as leaking/lacking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat as internal conversation in and as amplifying my want/need/desire to fill myself up and become whole as well as my fear/believe/acceptance/experience that I am lacking/leaking

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in my mind in and as internal conversation in and through words that I speak to myself in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and accept that the most and only important thing in existence is my consumption

I forgive myself that I, within and as the Consumption Character in and as supporting the Addiction Character have accepted and allowed myself to justify for myself my continued consumption through convincing myself through/within internal conversation that: “I just gotta have ONE MORE, then I’ll be satisfied/complete/full/whole/myself again.” – not ever seeing, realizing or understanding that I NEVER EVER get satisfied or feel complete or full or whole

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting/having/consuming that which I believe I must consume to sustain my living, specifically as energetic experiences and physical manifestations and as such manifest and participate within and as the backchat as internal conversation as: “I must get more than others.” and that” I must make sure that I get it, because no one will care for me but me.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and accept that I must fight and compete with others to consume life as energy and physical manifestations and as such be able to live/exist/survive and thus justify within and as myself that I TAKE from others well knowing that when I TAKE more, they get less but not caring about that because all that matters to me is my own survival/life/existence through/as/within consumption

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to increase my experience of wanting/needing/desiring to consume through participating in the internal conversation as backchat in talking to myself in the mind that: “I want it so bad I could scream” and as such within and as that justifying for myself my want/need/desire to consume within and through legitimizing it through generating experiences and emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as backchat as internal conversation within speaking to myself in my mind when I am in the ‘low’ of the cycle of consumption where I’ve stepped into the Consumption Character, getting what I’ve wanted and then start ‘leaking’ where I speak to myself in my mind that: “I feel so lost, so empty, so lacking. If I get this —- I’ll be full, complete, whole, satisfied. Then I can start living.”

(I will continue the application of Self-Forgiveness in my next post)

Tags: Adam Smith, addiction, Christopher Lasch, Consumer, Consumer Citizen, Consumer Democracy, Consumption, Forgiveness, Sméagol, Substance Abuse
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The Consumption Character: DAY 97

August 27, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Why do we Require to Consume Life in order to be Alive? How have I Created and Lived in an Consumption Character and What are the Consequences of that?

I am here walking the preparation of walking through my Addiction Characters in identifying the core and supporting Characters that I have utilized/become/assumed in living in and as the Addiction Character. The specific point I am looking at in this blog is “consumption” because I see, realize and understand that the majority if not all of my addictions are based on consumption of some sorts. And I see, realize and understand that I have created a relationship within and as myself to consumption that is not best for all – as seen clearly within the Addiction Characters.

This is a continuation to:

Stepping out of the Temptation Character: DAY 96
And Lead us not into Temptation, but Deliver us from Evil: Day 95
The Temptation Character: Day 94
Desire to Connect/Fear of not Connecting with Others: DAY 88
Oneness According to The Jealousy Character: DAY 87 ‘My Precious’ Addiction Redefined (PART 2): DAY 53
Gollum, Sméagol and ‘My Precious’ Addiction (PART 1): DAY 52 Addicted to Abuse of Substance (Part 2): DAY 48
Addiction as ‘Life’ (Part 1) DAY 47 Give ME MORE or I’ll Throw a TANTRUM! (Part 3): DAY 46
More IS Less (Part 2): DAY 45
MORE Wants MORE Wants MORE (Part 1): DAY 44

The Word Consumption means “Wasting of the body by disease; wasting disease” (replacing O.E. yfeladl “the evil disease”), from O.Fr. consumpcion, from L. consumptionem (nom. consumptio) “a using up, wasting” based on Consume that means “to use up, eat, waste,” from com-, intensive prefix (see com-), + sumere “to take,” from sub- “under” + emere “to buy, take” (see exempt). From Etymology online. http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?allowed_in_frame=0&search=Consumption&searchmode=none

So:

Com: With/Together

Sumere: To Take/Under

Emere: Buy/Take

Com:

Come = That which is directed into manifestation by/as self

Com = as Communication/Interaction/relationship

Sumere = The totality/sum/equals

Emere = Emerge/come into being

Emere = E-nergy More = More Energy

So:

Relationship Equals More Energy

Through creating relationships of ‘interaction’ (through consumption – I get an experience when I eat candy for example) I get to a point of ‘equlibrium’ in myself where I for a moment ‘fill’ myself as a whole up, like an artificial point of ‘equality’ and through that I ‘come alive’ as ‘more than’ as energy – not realizing, seeing or understanding that I am in fact consuming myself and thus depleting myself – killing myself to gain life, instead of realizing that I was life all along.

Consume then means to use up or waste Life – why? Because we are consuming ourselves as Life in order to be life, which is exactly what we do through Addiction, we consume something to get an experience of ‘feeling more than’ where that ‘hole’ we experience that we believe must be filled is actually who we are, is actually where we should stop and investigate because the hole can only be filled by us being/becoming whole – realizing ourselves as whole.

Consumption Character – Walk-Through the Dimensions:

THOUGHT:

Image of the continuous filling up a cup with a leaking hole in it

IMAGINATION:

I imagine how, when I eat this, smoke this, fuck this, watch this, drink this, speak this, hear this, see this, get this (whatever it is): I will be full. I will feel full, whole, completed, satisfied. I can finally be myself. I imagine this “ahh” moment of finally being able to relax. And then I imagine that I’ll be able to do all the things I’ve not done because of how I experienced myself as always lacking chasing after that point of full-fill-ment.

BACKCHAT:

“I must have it.”

“I just gotta have ONE MORE, then I’ll be satisfied/complete/full/whole/myself again.”

“I must get more than others.”

” I must make sure that I get it, because no one will care for me but me.”

“I want it so bad I could scream”

“I feel so lost, so empty, so lacking. If I get this —- I’ll be full, complete, whole, satisfied. Then I can start living.”

“If only I had —- I would feel complete.”

“This makes me feel SO complete, I must have more!”

“I must protect myself and make sure that I get MORE at all times”

“I must make sure I have enough… just in case”

FEAR:

I fear the experience of feeling empty

I fear starving

I fear the experience of feeling like nothing

I fear lacking

I fear not being full

I fear not feeling satisfied

I fear I will never be satisfied/full/whole

I fear that others will take it from me and I will lack

REACTION:

Feeling satisfied/full/whole/happy/excited/relaxed/feeing complete/whole. Feeling a want/need/desire to “fill” myself up/anxiety/fear/panic/loneliness/desperation/feeling greedy/fearing others will take something from me/desiring to take something from others

PHYSICAL CHANGE: Distinct feeling in my stomach/solar plexus similar to hunger. A desire coming up through my stomach into my throat and mouth. Mouthwatering. Eyes pinching. Shoulders, arms and chest pulling together. The stomach is the focus. Legs are numb. When ‘full’ (for example from eating), there’s a nanosecond of feeling satisfied and complete.

CONSEQUENCE:

We consume life to be life – it makes no sense and the consequence is seen in every aspect of the life we’ve created for ourselves. We deplete ourselves and die. While we live, we exist in inequality, where some become severely obese and others starve to death. We become completely blinded by our want/need /desire to consume. Our physical bodies and the earth deteriorate. We have absolutely no care or concern for anything or anyone else than this one point of consumption. And obviously, the consequence is that we NEVER EVER get to the point of fulfillment – because the hole we’re trying to fill is ourselves. We can only make ourselves complete. Every time we consume an external point, we exist in a separate relationship with that external point and with ourselves and thus merely confirm our own hole/separation and thus the more we consume, the more we want. It’s an endless chase after something that can never be.

In my next post, I will continue walking the Self-Forgiveness application on the Consumption Character and the points that’s come up in this blog post.

Tags: addiction, Addiction Character, Consumer, Consumer Citizen, Consuming, Consuming Earth, Consuming Life, Consumption
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‘My Precious’ Addiction Redefined (PART 2): DAY 53

June 21, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

I continue investigating myself in and as addiction as this is a primary construct that I cannot effectively walk through and stand up from, unless I understand in detail how I have designed and constructed myself into and as addiction, addict and addicted and bring myself back here as the authority over and as myself. I am continuing the point from yesterday’s writing.

Etymology/Dictionary definition:

1530s (implied in addicted), from L. addictus, pp. of addicere “to deliver, award, yield; give assent, make over, sell,” figuratively “to devote, consecrate; sacrifice, sell out, betray” from ad- “to” (see ad-) + dicere “say, declare” (see diction), but also “adjudge, allot.” Earlier in English as an adjective, “delivered, devoted” (1520s). Related: Addicted; addicting.

My current allocation:

I experience an ambivalent relationship towards addiction where I am on one hand ashamed of being addicted and judging myself for being addicted and feel completely powerless towards addiction and on the other hand experience a positive relationship towards addiction as something in which I feel safe, in control and nurturing of myself. It is a polarized experience.

Sounding:

A-Dick-I-Tie-On

Add-It-On

A – beginning

Dick – desire/creator

Tie – Enslave

On – directive principle or One – Self

A-Dick-Shun

Redefinition of addiction:

Addiction is a relationship-construct designed specifically based on our separation of and from ourselves, where we’ve created an artificial need and dependency and thus relationship towards something/someone outside separate from ourselves that we believe we require to sustain ourselves physically, while it is actually only the mind that is sustained through our addictions – while we’ve infused the addiction into and onto the physical that in no way need or require the addiction to sustain itself and as such the design of addiction is abusive and deceptive in nature and only exists to reconfirm our separation of and from ourselves as the physical into and as the mind, through the dependency on something/someone outside separate from us.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an insatiable desire to remain addicted to that which I have created a relationship of addiction towards wherein I have connected and infused the experience of addiction into my human physical body, through which I have justified the addiction within and as me, as a need which I believe that I cannot function/survive/live without

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and to participate in an experience that I cannot function without my addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in the experience of wanting to indulge in my addiction and feeling horrible when I don’t as a real and valuable experience because I have infused the addiction into my human physical body and thus have used the physical experience of discomfort as an excuse and justification for not stopping my addiction, while it is evident that an addiction is not a real physical need or requirement as the only physical requirements for me to live and exist is to breathe, eat, rest and care for my human physical body with whatever is in fact required for me to physically sustain myself

I forgive myself, that I through having accepted and allowed myself to let the mind be the directive principle of and as me as the authority through which I direct myself, have accepted and allowed myself to take my human physical body hostage in forcing and enforcing addictions into and onto my human physical body and as such have accepted and allowed myself to create a physical – yet artificial need to comply to that which I have created an addiction towards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept or allow myself to walk through the fear of stopping my addiction and the desire to indulge in that which I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to and to instead remain in a limbo experience of not walking back and not walking forth and instead remain between the two points and as such not moving myself in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain trapped within and as an experience of limbo where I am not walking back or forth, but remaining within and as a point in between stopping the addiction and giving into it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stop my addiction for my partner’s sake, to remain in a relationship with my partner and for the sake of others so as to remain in a positive relationship with others, where they would see me as someone worth being in a relationship with, instead of stopping for myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that an addiction is an artificial need that in no way has anything to do with actual physical living requirements and that addiction in its very design is abusive because I have made myself dependent upon something outside separate from me that is not an actual physical requirement and as such is a delusional and self-deceptive need that I have justified as real to ensure my survival/existence, when in fact it is I within and as the mind who have forced and enforced the addiction into and onto my human physical body, to justify my addiction to, within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have made myself dependent upon something outside separate from me that is not an actual physical requirement and as such is a delusional and self-deceptive need that I have justified as real to ensure my survival/existence, when in fact it is I within and as the mind who have forced and enforced the addiction into and onto my human physical body, to justify my addiction to, within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself ashamed of being addicted and being an addict and for exposing to my partner and to others that I am addicted when I understand in knowledge and information that it is not real and that I should be able to walk through it with ease and as such have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being addicted and for being an addict in seeing, defining and judging being addicted and as such being an addict as weak and wimpy, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that judging myself is useless and will only prolong my process of walking through the addiction and reinstating myself here in and as the physical as the authority of, over and as myself through and within breath as the primary physical requirement for me to sustain myself and live and exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience it as extremely difficult and basically impossible for me to stop my addiction and to be ashamed of that within and as myself in experiencing and judging myself as being weak and stupid for not simply walking myself through the addiction with ease

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the reason why I experience it as difficult to stop the addiction and thus to stop being addicted, is because I have already given myself permission to be an addict, through creating a relationship that I have nurtured over many years between the mind and my delusional belief in addiction as a physical requirement and my human physical body that I have forced to enforce my addiction and as such manifest my addiction through, within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that while the addiction starts in the mind, in me separating parts of myself from myself and as such creating an artificial dependency upon and towards points/experiences outside separate from me, the addiction is dependent upon me enforcing it into and onto the physical as it is only in and through the physical that I can get the energy I believe I require to sustain my addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and nurtured and nurturing towards myself when and as I participate in my addiction and give my addiction the drug that I have created an addicted relationship towards as an artificial dependency that I have deceived myself into believing that I require to sustain myself and function and thus survive in my world, my reality and in my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship between my mind as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a separate entity separate from myself as the physical and my human physical body wherein and through which I have made myself dependent upon artificial needs outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that I, through accepting and allowing myself to participate in, as and through addiction, have accepted and allowed myself to reinforce and reconfirm my separation of and from myself in and as the physical because the very design of addiction is the belief enforced into and onto the physical that I require and need something outside separate from myself to sustain myself here in and as the physical, thus creating an infinite loop of ‘lack’ where I through participating in addiction reconfirm that I am separate and thus reinforce the artificial need for something outside separate from me to sustain myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience my addiction and that which I have created an addictive relationship towards as ‘my precious’ where I protect and guard and hold onto my addiction and that which I have made myself addicted towards in a ‘love’ relationship wherein I believe that by feeding my addiction I am nurturing myself in fact – because I have separated myself from self-nurturing by separating myself from myself as the physical as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that an addiction can only exist and have power over me if I have separated myself from myself in and as the physical, thus believing and accepting that I require something outside separate from myself to sustain me and as such survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that one of the reasons why I am an addict is because my father was an addict and my mother is an addict and that I have accepted and allowed myself to infuse their relationship with addiction and their acceptance of themselves as addicts, into and as myself through infusing their mind-consciousness-systems into and as myself as well as through my relationship with and towards them and in seeing how they felt better about themselves when they adhered to their addictions and as such have accepted and allowed myself to walk in their image and likeness in defining addiction as something positive through which I am nurturing myself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that they, as I do now, have made themselves dependent upon an artificial need of something outside separate from them, because they had separated themselves from themselves here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can function better when I adhere to addiction and that participating in the addiction gives me some form of control over myself and my life – not seeing, realizing or understanding that it is the addiction that is in control and that I have no control whatsoever as I have abdicated myself to an artificial need of something outside separate from me to sustain myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that it is not the physical manifestation that I am addicted to as that which I have created a relationship of addiction towards, but the experience that I create within and as myself when I participate in the addiction of feeling positive in feeling nurtured and nurturing towards myself, in feeling in control over myself, in experiencing that I am giving myself ‘something more’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devote myself to addiction and to as an addict having accepted and allowed myself to create a religion within and as myself where I have made that which I am addicted to a ‘god’ as an authority within and as me that I have accepted as the governing and directive principle over and as me that I much adhere to at all costs in order to be able to sustain myself and survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and feel that through participating in addiction that I am giving myself ‘more’ and as such making my life and myself ‘more’ by and through participating in addiction where I believe that the addiction is giving me something that I cannot give myself – as safety, security, control and nurture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and feel that when I participate in addiction that I am being ‘good’ to myself because of the experience that I have when I don’t participate in or adhere to the addiction of feeling and experiencing discomfort not seeing, realizing or understanding that I experience discomfort because of the addiction and as such that I would not experience discomfort if I was not addicted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a polarized relationship to, towards and within addiction where I in a positive polarity experience myself as nurtured by the addiction and as nurturing myself in the addiction and feel positive as in control of and over myself through participating in the addiction and in a negative polarity judge and blame myself for being addicted and feel ashamed of being addicted and for the addicted having control over me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and manifest myself into and as a personality-entity of ‘Gollum’ within and as myself in a relationship towards and addiction towards a point outside separate from me, where I am completely obsessed with keeping that which I am addicted to, because I the experience of energy I generate when I possess that which I am addicted to, where I will fight and protect my addiction at all costs, including abusing myself and depleting the life out of myself, in and through having separated myself from life and having projected ‘life’ and living as energy onto the addiction, not seeing realizing or understanding that I am being consumed by my own desire to possess myself in separation from myself and where I believe that as long as I control my addiction and make sure no one takes it from me, I am fine, while fearing anything and anyone that might threaten my relationship towards that which I am addicted to, where I as ‘Gollum’ exist as a self-made god in the belief that I am possessing ‘the essence/substance of life’ through possessing that which I am addicted to – not realizing, seeing or understanding that I am the one being controlled, consumed and possessed by my own desire and fear as it is manifested through my separation of and from myself into and as an addiction as an artificial need of being dependent upon something outside and separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a and manifest myself into and as a personality-entity of ‘Sméagol’ within and as myself in a relationship towards and addiction towards a point outside separate from me, where I experience, believe and accept myself completely consumed and controlled by my desire to have that which I am addicted to and the fear of how I will experience myself if I lose that which I am addicted to and where I experience shame and self-judgment towards myself for being addicted and where I slowly but surely allow myself to deplete myself of life, out of fearing to lose my addiction and where I experience, believe and accept myself to be a slave of my addiction – never questioning its authority because I know how I will experience myself if I give up the addiction – and I fear that experience so extensively that I readily and willingly submit myself to the addiction – willing to do, say, be and become anything to sustain my relationship to the addiction

Self-Corrective Statements:

I commit myself to investigate all details of how I have designed, manifested and accepted myself as an addict, and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application release myself from the relationship I have created within and as me towards that which I have allowed myself to become addicted to by reinstating myself as a authority over and as me, through breath

I commit myself to prepare myself to walk through the storm of withdrawal that I experience when I stop addiction because I realize that this and these experiences am me as the mind fighting to remain in control over myself as life and as the physical, fighting to remain as the authority over and as me and that if I do not reinstate and create myself as the authority over and as me, I will keep allowing the mind to stand as the authority over and as me, with the only purpose of sustaining itself as the mind through depleting myself as the physical as life – exactly like Gollum was transformed and depleted into a being only existing for his addiction and I realize that it has taken me many many years to created myself into and as an addict and that I have made addiction, myself as an addict and the experience of being addicted a primary personality within and as me – and so I support myself to be patient and to walk the steps that is required for me to step out of the relationship between the mind and the physical towards points/manifestations as addictions breath by breath instead of expecting myself to magically be able to stop and then when the emotional shit hits the fan, I have no supportive system in place to support myself through and therefore give up and give into the addiction again which makes it that much harder for me to stop again, because I’ve now created a layer of ‘defeat’ and ‘giving up’ on top of the addiction which I then also have to walk through

I commit myself to investigate and expose and to support others to do the same how addiction exist within and as a relationship-construct of the mind, where we create a relationship of dependency as an artificial need of self-sustenance towards points/manifestations outside separate from ourselves in the belief that we need the addiction to sustain ourselves physically within how we’ve enforced the addiction into and onto our human physical bodies, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what addiction is designed to sustain is the mind and our constant and continuous separation of and from ourselves in and as the physical

I commit myself to walk through addiction in self-honesty and to not accept addiction as more than or less than who I am here and to stand one and equal with the design, manifestation and creation of myself as addiction, in getting to know the specific details of the addiction-design/construct and how I have created and manifested the addiction design/construct so that I can bring it back to myself and embrace it as myself and direct myself to stop and step out of addiction

I commit myself to show and expose that addictions are artificial needs as dependencies we’ve created to sustain ourselves in the physical that is based on self-deception and manipulation through how we’ve infused the relationship-dependency into and onto our human physical bodies, when in fact we do not physically require addictions to sustain our physical bodies and such support myself as all to see, realize and understand that we do not require addictions to sustain ourselves in and as the physical and that what we are stopping as we stop addictions, is in fact our dependency upon the mind and thus the mind’s sustenance through which we can start standing up as life, here, in and as the physical, without requiring anything or anyone outside separate from us to sustain ourselves, because we stop accepting and manifesting ourselves as separate from or of ourselves

I commit myself to show and expose that the manifested nature and design of addiction is abuse of life and abuse of substance as life – as addictions can only be sustained as long as we reconfirm ourselves as separate from ourselves, dependent upon and requiring energy as ‘more’ than who and what we are here to sustain ourselves, while in fact this is not physically so and thus through participating in addictions, we are fuelling the self-separation and depleting ourselves in and as the physical as life

(To be continued)

Artwork by Damian Ledesma.

Gollum, Sméagol and ‘My Precious’ Addiction (PART 1): DAY 52

Addiction as ‘Life’ (Part 1) DAY 47

Addicted to Abuse of Substance (Part 2): DAY 48

MORE Wants MORE Wants MORE (Part 1): DAY 44

More IS Less (Part 2): DAY 45

Give ME MORE or I’ll Throw a TANTRUM! (Part 3): DAY 46

The Design of Addiction

Follow the blogs daily at Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk!

Tags: Addict, addiction, how to overcome addictions, How to stop addiction, I am an addict, The personality of an addict
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Addicted to Abuse of Substance (Part 2): DAY 48

June 9, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Part 2 of where I walk the point of walking through and stopping addictions. Read part 1 here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a relationship towards and within addiction in defining, experiencing and accepting myself as an addict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that what is implied with the notion of “substance abuse” of and as addiction is in fact the abuse of substance as life as I within having made myself dependent upon something outside separate from me that I do not in fact require or need to live and exist have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as “substance abuse” as something that is completely “natural” and “just who I am” exactly as my mother and father have accepted and allowed themselves to exist within and as substance abuse and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, without question carry on the sins of the fathers within and as being enslaved and enslaving myself to fear and using addiction as a way of coping with fear to keep the truth and reality of myself at bay, always suppressed and as such keeping myself suppressed and kept in a cage of addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I accept and allow myself to do something that I have not agreed to, to instead of simply correcting myself through aligning myself through and in self-forgiveness and in self-honesty correcting my living, have accepted and allowed myself to go into depression, self-hate and self-judgment in and as a “lock-down” of and as a mind-possession

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into depression, self-hate and self-judgment when I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do something in and as self-interest as though feeling bad about what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as will somehow make it better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I accept and allow myself to act in self-interest, have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate in the thought: “what the hell, I have already broken the rules so I might as well keep breaking them” equal and one to how people will use the concept of sinning and the belief that they will go to hell to accept and allow themselves to continue acting in self-interest and abuse themselves and others in the belief that they will go to hell anyway, so they might as well keep on sinning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in and as self-interest of ego – specifically based in and on the belief, experience and desire that “I just want to” and that “it feels so good” when the fact of the matter is that my starting-point is self-spite and self-abuse in specifically acting in a way that is not best for all and as such not best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use fear to manipulate myself through, within and as, so as to get myself to not push through my addictions and instead remain addicted and dependent upon energy and as such remain enslaved to, within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the reason why I have not accepted or allowed myself to direct myself to simply walk and push through my addictions, is because I have separated myself from myself as responsible for the addiction and for myself within and as the experience within and as the addiction and because I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to fear – so I cannot stop or direct myself through the addiction, because I have not made the directive decision to do so, because otherwise I would obviously have done so

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to make the directive decision to walk through my addictions in self-support through breathing through the reactions in the determination that I will walk through this no matter what until it is done and that I instead have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can simply stop the addiction and as such leave myself unsupported believing that it is enough to stop the addiction in and as its physical application, when in fact I have to also change who I am within and as the addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not simply walk through the addiction and the fear in breath and discover myself as who I am without existing in fear and addiction and as such have accepted and allowed myself to remain existing within and as a self-imposed dependency to and enslavement to addiction

I forgive myself that I, because I have been preoccupied only with the point of addiction and how to stop that, have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and disregard what is behind the addiction as fear and as such have not accepted or allowed myself to face myself in and as that fear and as such face the source and origin of my addiction – as the only point through which I’ll be able to actually stop the addiction within pulling out the root as the origin of my addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to face myself in and as the fear behind the addiction which I can only face by actually stopping the addiction and walking into and through the fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a coward fearing to walk through addiction and as such postpone and procrastinate my process by and within waiting for myself to walk through the addiction and the fear behind the addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of and judge myself for what I perceive and judge as me being a coward in fearing to walk through addiction and as such postpone and procrastinate my process by and within waiting for myself to walk through the addiction and the fear behind the addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use as a justification that when one is stopping an addiction, one will be in a vulnerable state and therefore is justified to have emotional experiences and to use support to get through the point of withdrawal – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am prolonging the process of walking through the point instead of simply walking through it and support myself within and through breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ever question my addictions, where they come from, how I created them or what purpose they serve and that I instead have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself wholly and fully to them in complete and utter devotion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, experience, believe and define my addictions as ‘my freedom’, ‘my fun’, ‘my pleasure’, ‘my satisfaction’, ‘my extra little something’ and as such protect them and defend them within and as myself, not ever asking myself why I have created these addictions to begin with

I commit myself to support myself to walk through the addictions that I have committed myself to stop, through breathing through the experiences that comes up

I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to replace one addiction with another, as I see, realize and understand that that is not really stopping the addictions in fact but instead just shift around that which I’ve attached the addiction to and as such remain addicted and not facing myself in and as the fear behind the addiction

I commit myself to support myself in walking through the addictions in realizing, seeing and understanding that what is behind the addictions is fear and the only way I am going to be able to stop it, is by walking into and through the fear

I commit myself to establish a new living agreement with and within myself that is not based on addictions or dependency upon energetic rewards but upon me directing myself here in self-honest common sense within and as what is best for all – and to do so through making one-on-one agreements as to what I am going to do and participate within and as practically in my daily participation, to every night lay out a plan for the next day that I walk according to as a self-disciplined support and as so also make plans for the goals I will reach each week once pr. Week. I do this as a specific point of self-support where I place myself into and as a framework of discipline that I then simply have to walk into and through not being uncertain about what to do next.

Tags: Addict, Addicted, addiction, Being addicted, Being an addict, I am an addict, My name is... and I am an addict, Substance Abuse
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Destonians as Living Proof – I stopped smoking weed in one moment

October 12, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog

Destonians as Living Proof - All Addictions are Created by ourselves and can be stopped as such

3 years ago, I stopped smoking weed after having smoked for 15 years when I found Desteni. Before that I had used all kinds of “supplements” to stop smoking, went to rehab and nothing worked. Every time I stopped, I experienced immense withdrawal where I would even vomit and get a fever.

When I found Desteni, I realized that everything I experienced was my own creation and that I was creating my experiences myself from within and as the mind.

So when I finally stopped smoking weed, there was no thoughts, no withdrawal of any kind – it was in one moment and I never again looked back – because I finally understood that I was the starting-point of my addiction and by directing and changing myself, I could stop any addiction.

Essentially all addictions are addictions to and off the mind – yet they’re infused into the physical where we use the physical “need” as an excuse for why we’re abdicating ourselves to the addiction. But the “need” is never real – because it is a not physical requirement but based on a mind-created “lack” that is not real.

As Destonians we are living proof that it is possible to stop all addictions through stopping the addiction to and as the mind – that we can in fact live here, directly in and as the physical without the mind as a “judge” or “referee” or “middleman” to direct and sort reality for us through memories, fears, desires, thoughts and experiences.

Join the Desteni I Processwhere we free ourselves from the reigns of our own minds. Everyone can participate regardless of prior education or economic situation - there is a solution for everyone.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uluzQhaQNyc&w=420&h=315]

Tags: addiction, Cannabis, Desteni Group, desteni research, Destonians, drugs, Equal Money System, Quitting Weed, rehab, Weed
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Who is eating when we eat?

March 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

DIET – Sounds like DIED

- In Latin it Means ‘A Way of Life’

I am constantly thinking about food, how to eat, when to eat and especially what to eat. I have been very confused about this ‘diet/detox/rehab/deprivation’ programme and I can see how I have wanted to replace my way of eating (which I have defined as anarchistic within me) with a bullet proof system I could follow, so to not make mistakes, not fail and make it easier for myself to keep it going. So I kind of interpreted that the point was to a) eat healthy, b) to stop eating with my emotions and c) to lose weight. I have in that sense been eating according to common knowledge about health, though with the awareness that some of the stuff might be bullshit.

I actually realized when I brought the point of eating the lasagna Here, as I stopped for a moment to consider my apparent ‘choice’ that I did not in fact provide me with anything substantial, nutrition or taste wise. Me eating that instead of for example whole grain bread, is based on a idea about lasagna. And that idea about lasagna is based on a belief that if I eat what I want to – I am free. Yet it is never really what I want to, because it is based on memories, rules, ideas about taste and consistency of certain foods, and is thus as conditioned as it is programmed and fixed before I even put the food into my mouth. So I put the lasagna back and took whole grain bread instead. I added cottage cheese and again Bernard ‘ruined it’ for me by asking me about this food. He basically said that it is unlikely that I will transcend this point in this life, because I am not stopping my emotions. Instead I have used the excuse and control of wanting to understand, which is bullshit, because I just want to understand so that I can control myself out of this – which is obviously impossible. I have accepted this challenge as being extremely difficult, as the point of eating has been so intense and powerful within me. At the same time, there are Common Sense points, wherein it is obvious how I have made this point a key point in me stopping myself from exiting in self-Abuse, participating in energetic and emotional manipulation and basically in stopping myself from existing within and as the mind – as conditioning, based on the Acceptance of myself according to memory, manipulated information and emotional patterns. The food serves as an example, as a way of showing myself and seeing what I am and have been doing. Here is an example: I look at a piece of whole grain bread. It looks boring, dry, serious, healthy – that is how I’ve judged it according to the ‘role’, ‘symbol’ that I have accepted it as according to specific memories and definitions within my life. It also reminds me of my mother, as she would bake this with great devotion and I would get it for lunch everyday in school for years. I also appreciated it and rejoiced with her over the wonders of this bread. It was her specialty. So it is sufficient to say that it is not just bread. It has a meaning, it triggers judgment, like and dislike justified through apparent taste experience. So in my book, eating a piece of whole grain bread without anything on it, is probably like the most boring food in the world. It is also something that girls who really wants to be healthy or lose weight do. (And I am not one of those girls, because I accept myself as I am). Now I eat the piece of bread and because I know it is all I am going to eat. It is my main meal and course for this evening, I slow myself down as I am eating. In utter surprise I realize how good it tastes. And that I can actually recognize different tastes within it, like the poppy, sesame and sunflower seeds. I can actually tell them a part and experience a appreciation for each taste experience. Before I would have chucked it all down. What does this tell me? It tells me that I cannot trust any of my ideas or experiences towards food. Because they are conditioned and based on ideas that are specifically mastered according to my memories, definitions and acceptances of myself since I was a child. They are not objective truths, even though with a lot of tastes for example, many people agree and reinforces the beliefs, which they producers are obviously aware of as they design their product according to feelings of belonging, of keeping traditions, of being cool and so on and so on. But the experience I have of the craving, the lacking or missing out – is physical. It is in my mouth.

So when I am about to eat, it is with a whole string of expectations, emotions and conditions tied to ideas about taste, fullness and the like.

I eat 5 portions a day the size of my fist. I might step up to six if I am up for many hours a day. The one time I did it, I felt guilty. But I have decided that it is okay, because I want to keep the body burning fuel and experiencing being full and not go into ‘lock-down’ starvation mode. I Realized today that all the meals i eat through out the day now – is the equivalent of 1-2 meals how i was eating before. A pizza for example would be like 6 meals.

Mostly I eat dry toasted bread, fruit or vegetables. I eat rice and rice cakes and meat for dinner most days. Between the 5 meals, two are considered ‘main-meals’. I still eat the same portion as in the other meals, but I eat more substantial food like whole grain bread or an egg. The meals in between is mostly two pieces of toasted bread, rice cakes or fruit.

I drink only 8 glasses of water a day, in which coffee is included. This morning I asked my body what it wanted and thus I had a glass of warm water with lemon and mint leaves, instead of coffee quite to my own surprise. Mostly when I have asked the body, the answer surprises me. It might be ice cream or cheese or some combination of foods that I had never considered before. I did not do that for very long, as I quickly returned to my patterns of eating emotionally. My goal is to develop a completely different way of eating, wherein I eat to nourish myself and in that allow the body to Direct what it requires, instead of me eating with my mind.

The water challenge has been difficult, as has the taste challenge. In the beginning I ate various foods at each meal. I Realized that that was yet another attempt of my mind to manipulate the situation for me again to eat with my mind, calling upon taste, enjoyment and tastelessness and boredom in the other end. So now if I eat fruit, I only eat fruit. If I eat Bread, I only eat Bread. I will however eat an egg as well once in a while. I do still not eat a lot of vegetables. Until now the most filling is the bread and especially the whole grain bread, which toasted an bare has been a surprisingly enjoyable eating experience, as I can now differentiate the different ingredients. I think it has something to do with not mixing so many different kinds of taste. I have discovered that I can monitor and measure myself by simply observing and ‘staying with’ myself as I go from thinking about a food to eating and after having eaten or had a drink. When I ask my body, I immediately get a ‘reply’ , almost like an image, but more like a symbol of taste popping up, only one. Like this morning with the warm water with lemon. But I am not yet certain of how all of this words, because yesterday some people were talking about that as I saw someone else drinking water with lemon, and I know from the eating according to your blood type book, that my type, (A) benefits a lot from doing this in the mornings. I used to do it as well for periods of time. Never the less, I asked my body and that is what ‘popped up’. So I did not judge it. It was not until 11 that I noticed that I hadn’t had a cup of coffee yet. Normally I will have coffee as soon as I get up – as a co pilot of working, a working treat – obviously an idea in my mind. It is also an idea in my mind that I like coffee, because when I then had one, I didn’t like it. And I had one mainly because it was 11 and I had not had one all day. It is strange to see and be convinced of something being a treat, and then not enjoying the actual experience, because the whole ‘image/picture’ of it being so and so and having this or that value – only exists in my mind. It would also mean that the Mind dictates everything and that I blindly follow. So now is the question: Why? Why do I blindly follow? Because this is just one little tiny point as an example of how nothing we do is actually decided and directed by us, but orchestrated by our minds and even more strategically, by the corporate world – who knows us better than we know ourselves.

Tags: addiction, body, burgers, depression, drugs, emotions, fast food, fish, food, Food & Nutrition, how to lose weight, lasagna, manipulation, pills, pleasure, power, rehab, sadness, salt, self, self esteem, sorrow, tortilla, weight loss
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