Awkward around Boys – The Dimensions of the Pattern: DAY 180

March 4, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

I am here continuing with the relationship series that I started walking on YouTube and here on the blog on DAY 176 , though instead of jumping straight to self-forgiveness based on this first writing, I will be walking the point in greater detail through slowing myself down in writing out the exact dimensions of what I’ve identified as the ‘Awkward around boys’ character. It is not necessarily a character as such as a personality I’ve lived out, it is more a specific pattern pertaining to a character and personalities of how I’ve related myself to boys, so I’d say that it is more like the branch of a tree where the tree is the relationship character. Though through identifying this pattern and giving it a name I make it comprehendible for myself and also contextualize and ground the specific pattern.

So – I will in this blog simply be laying out the time-line of dimensions in terms of identifying the following components:

1. Fear

2. Desire

3. Imagination (moving image form)

4. Thought (single image form)

5. Backchat (inner conversations)

6. Reactions (emotions and feelings)

7. Physical dimension (how it affected my physical body to participate in the pattern, but also how I acted physically when I am in and as the pattern)

8. Consequence (how does it affect me/my life/others that I’ve been living in/as this pattern

What is cool in utilizing this structure is that one can basically write out the dimensions in the order that one decides upon but this is a cool way of making sure that one bring through and identify all the dimensions of a certain particular point. For me this has often meant that my blogs would become extended over many blog posts and that is fine, but here I’ll also work with being specific as I write my self-forgiveness statements and self-corrective statements so that I don’t ‘over write’ the point unnecessarily.

Alright – so for me this has until now been a pretty easy point to identify. As I mentioned in my video and in the first blog post, it emerged as an experience towards my partner. After that I sourced it back to my teenage years and also back to kindergarten. I also discovered that the point has to do somewhat with my expression towards boys of being excited and then I’d initially launch towards them and when I then experienced them being passive or retracting, that’s the moment where I created this pattern through taking it personally. So there I’ve laid out the time-line quite nicely. However let’s continue with digging deeper into each dimension.

1) Fear: Immediately as I look within myself at the point of fear in relation to this point, I experience a sharp and intense pain in my solar plexus. So that indicates to me that this point is quite surfaced in how easy it is for me to access it and I got the point. So what I fear is that they’ll reject me/push me away/ignore me and I see how this fear developed over the years from being about the physical response to being about an emotional drama. So actually the awkwardness is an after-math that I experienced after I’d felt rejected but then it simply became how I expected to feel myself.

2) Desire: There’s a hope in this desire that the boy will open his arms and embrace me and also a desire to ‘connect’ and ‘interconnect’ with the boy physically. I see that I require expanding more on this in blogs to come, because it is still somewhat undefined within me in an experience almost of wanting to melt together.

3) Imagination: Imagining me coming towards the boy all full of joy and jumping in his arms and he meets me in an equal expression of joy and opens his arms and embraces me. Or it could also simply be him speaking to me – the most important point is how he meets me in an equal expression. And then the negative imagination is the fear imagination where I fear that he’s simply ignore me or reject me

4) Thought: I see an image of a boy turning his head away like deliberately ignoring me.

5) Backchat: “But what if he rejects me”

“Oh my god he is SO gorgeous”

“Oh my god he’s the coolest boy I’ve ever met”

“Oh my god, I think I love him”

“He probably doesn’t like me”

“Why doesn’t he like me?”

“Oh my god I am so scared of talking to him”

“Oh man!!! I am such an idiot! I feel so awkward”

“Why can’t I just be normal???”

“Act normal, act normal!!”

“Act cool, act cool!!”

“I feel so small”

“Nobody will ever like me”

“I’m a loser”

“Maybe if I was more like her…”

“Maybe if I was different…”

“Maybe I should change so he will like me?”

“What have I done wrong???”

6) Reactions: nervous, apathetic, anxious, panicking, excited, hopeless, feeling inferior, feeling the boy is some kind of superpower god-type creature, self-judgment, blame and self-blame

7) Physical responses: Feeling like my body is some very odd form with long limbs, especially feet and head. Pulling my chest back and my shoulders up, eye brows down, feet inverted, shaking, unable to eat, shortness of breath, staring eyes, feeling out of my boy, like I’m only present in my head and it feels big and wamr

8) Consequences: The consequences is that I inferiorize myself to the boy because of this pattern and within that also makes myself compromised in how I’ve placed the boy on a pedestal where I’m willing to do anything for him to get him to like me. Another consequence is that I don’t actually see the boy or the context or where he’s coming from. All I’m seeing is my own reaction to my own interpretation through taking a situation personally which means that I made everything about me and thus ‘lose touch’ with reality.

So – with that established, I will in my next blog post continue with writing self-forgiveness on the point of fear.

Thanks for walking-with.

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Awkward around Boys The Dimensions of the Pattern: DAY 180

Tags: Awkward, Backchat, Blog, cool boy, Fear of being rejected, Feeling awkward around boys, Forgiveness, liking a boy, shy girl
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I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170

January 31, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

In this post I am continuing with the mind-movement character where I am writing out self-corrective statements on the self-forgiveness statements that I walked on DAY 164 and DAY 165. As a side-note since I’ve not been writing on this character for some days, I can mention that I’ve started more effectively pushing through it in terms of not moving myself away or allowing myself to be impulsed by the experiences and thoughts that come up within me.

For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:

SELF-CORRECTIVE AND SELF-COMMITMENT STATEMENTS

Within this – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the solution was not to move myself away from the noise and energy to prevent it from penetrating me, but to not accept or allow it to change or influence me and to instead remain stable within and as myself

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to blame my environment for my experience of myself as I react to my environment through which I believe that solution to stop my experience is to move myself away physically – I stop and I breathe and I remain here.

Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been blaming the physical environment for creating my experience of myself within concluding for example that when conflict is happening outside me (for example in hearing my mother and father fighting and slamming doors and crying) it is also happening inside myself or that the outside influence is creating my inside experience and therefore that I must move myself physically away, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that unless I am in danger, the ‘problem’ is not in my physical environment and can therefore not be solved with me moving myself away physically but only through me actually facing myself and embracing myself inside myself, realizing that I’ve reacted through internalizing what was happening in my environment. Obviously I also see, realize and understand that it might be best to move oneself in certain situations simply as a bridge to assist oneself in not reacting (like from conflicts) but in the end if the problem is initiated inside myself, that is where I have to fix it. So therefore I commit myself to stop blaming my environment for creating experiences inside myself and as such I commit myself to stop looking outside myself for solutions to what I am experiencing inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I experienced that I could not move myself to accept myself as weak and as such because of and based on this have accepted and allowed myself to create a life-long pattern of caving in and giving in whenever I experience that I can’t move myself, mentally or physically away from something I experience as difficult through which I accept myself as weak.

I see, realize and understand how I have created a relationship between facing something that is difficult or unpleasant and that which I have perceived to be the solution as moving myself away from that which is unpleasant or difficult – without seeing, realizing and understanding that I’ve within this separated myself from myself through projecting my inner experiences outside myself, thus believing that if I move myself away externally the experience will go away. And so I commit myself to when and as I see that I am facing myself in a situation where I create an experience of inner discomfort, fear or feeling that the situation is unpleasant and I feel a strong urge to physically move myself away from whatever I am working with in the moment through which I triggered the experience – to stop and breathe. I commit myself to remind myself in those moments that it is not the point I am working on or the person I am speaking to that is creating discomfort within me. If I am working on my thesis and I come across something that is difficult, this is a practical point, but if I take that difficulty personally or react to it or fear it, then that indicating a relationship I’ve created towards the particular point I am faced with, which I can only change or deal with by changing myself and facing myself and not by physically moving myself away from the point (which I see now is actually a suppression tactic)

Perceiving/Judging the body/self as limited because of the inability to move and subsequently feeling trapped because of it thus creating the desire to ‘escape’.

A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when and as I realized that I could not move myself away from the environmental influences that I was reacting towards through an experience of stress and fear and uncomfortability inside myself, to turn my reaction inwards and create a judgmental conscious experience of and towards myself where I started experiencing irritation towards myself in perceiving my own physical body as a prison type of experience in concluding that because I can’t physically move myself away from what I experience inside myself there must be something ‘wrong’ with me through which I actually started perceiving my body as a threat to me in blaming my body for my experience because I blamed my experience on my inability to move myself physically – while in no way actually investigating where the experience I am feeling comes from to begin with.

I see, realize and understand that I’ve been blaming my body and perceiving my body as a traitor to me, I’ve judged the body as useless and traitorous because I could not move myself with or out of my body as a child and therefore came to interpret the body as a prison or as a ‘somewhere’ in which I was trapped. In this – I see, realize and understand that I’ve separated myself from the body and then I’ve projected the responsibility for my own experience of myself onto the body as a ‘vessel’ separate from me – while all along I was doing it all to myself from the first moment I reacted to my environment by taking things personally and then separate myself inside myself. So I commit myself to reestablish myself here in and as my body. And I commit myself to establish a relationship with myself in and as the body of self-respect and dignity because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been punishing, abusing and exploiting the body as a form of punishment and abuse since I was a child. I commit myself to stop blaming the body for the experiences that come up within me. When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to blame the body or when I see I am experiencing irritation towards the body for a particular experience I have, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that this is a pattern of self-abuse and that I am not separate from my body. I commit myself to stop seeing the body as an enemy and as a prison that I am trapped inside, because I see, realize and understand that this is my own reaction to my experience of myself that I’ve projected onto the body. I see, realize and understand that real freedom can actually only come through bringing myself back to the physical and that it is the mind that is the prison I’ve created for/of/as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and to create a judgment towards my body as being limited and imprisoning me inside myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how it is not my body that is limited – but how I am allowing myself to be influenced by and define myself according to environmental influences instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can simply breathe and remain stable within and as myself

When and as I see that I am reacting to my environment, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that it is not the environment that is responsible for how I experience myself and that it is how I’ve defined and accepted myself in a relationship to the environment through which I am taking the influence personally. So I commit myself to take responsibility for the experience I accept and allow within and as myself as I see, realize and understand that it is my own responsibility to direct what I experience. As such I commit myself to develop stability and awareness and self-direction to stop reacting to my environment through stopping and through investigating the relationships I’ve created towards my environment in writing (an example is reacting to loud music or many people talking at once which is something I react intensely to). I see and understand that it is possible to breathe through any experience that comes up and so I commit myself to practice the point of breathing through the experiences that comes up within me so that I can realize this for a fact within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to escape my physical body so as to escape the experience I’ve created inside myself through holding my physical body responsible for my experience through blaming my physical body for me being unable to move myself away from my experience, not seeing realizing or understanding that the inability of the body to move is not responsible for my experience as I have created my experience of myself through allowing myself to be influenced by my environment and invert the energy of stress, fear and conflict I experience in my environment inside myself and accordingly define myself according to it – and therefore I am responsible for my own experience as I am the one who has created it by and within myself

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to want to escape this moment here – which I identify through tagging and flagging the experience of physical irritation and a feeling of ‘crawling inside my skin’ followed by a desire to either sleep, speak, watch TV or eat – I stop. I allow myself and I commit myself to breathe and simply be with myself for a moment there. Because I now realize see and understand that this is one of those moments that have become automated, where I react to what I experience inside myself, blame the body for it and then believe that I can get away from the experience if I move myself physically and alter/intervene with my physical experience for example through eating or sleeping. I also now see, realize and understand that the solution to stopping and directing the experiences that comes up within me, is in fact to remain in the body, rather than to run away from the body.

My beingness won’t get me anywhere

Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I judged and blamed my body for restricting me and limiting me, to in the same breath have disregarded and devalued myself as my body is myself and thus within and as that split myself inside myself annihilating my own body and thus myself essentially by blaming myself in and as separation from myself instead of simply realizing that I am the creator of my own experiences and therefore have the power and ability to change my experience of myself

I see, realize and understand that I’ve been deliberately punishing and torturing my body my entire life and that I’ve been deliberately annihilating the body through and within believing and accepting that the body is at fault for all unpleasant experiences within me – while I have oddly enough never actually given the body credit for all the positive experiences (such as in sex). I see, realize and understand now that I’ve lived my entire life in this self-annihilation without ever realizing that the part of me that I was pushing away and attempting to suffocate and quiet was in fact the part of me through which grace and peace and freedom was possible. As such I see, realize and understand that I’ve lived completely in reverse as I’ve believed that the body was the prison and the mind was the key to freedom and I can clearly see how I am still living this today in that my allegiances is more with the mind than it is with my body. As such I commit myself to walk a process of changing my allegiances from the mind to the body. And I commit myself to be patient with myself as I walk this process because I see how I’ve been loyal to the mind for a very long time and that it is going to take dedication and consistency to change my allegiance. I also see, realize and understand how one dimension of how I’ve been allegiant to the mind is because I misinterpreted the situation when I was a baby and I could not physically move myself. I realize that I blamed the body for my inability to move and in that moment I made the body my enemy while in fact I did not see how the actual point was within me reacting to and internalizing the environmental influences where I could have simply embraced it without fear or resistance and made the decision to stabilize myself inside myself. So I also see, realize and understand how I’ve lived this same moment over and over throughout the rest of my life, in every time I react, I turn to the mind and move myself in the mind while blame and ostracize the body because the experience is felt within and as the body. So – I commit myself to begin allowing myself to feel the experiences that come up within me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as I perceived and experienced that it was my body that was to blame for me not being able to move myself away from what I was experiencing inside myself, push myself away and turn myself away from myself in creating a split inside myself where I in fact came to see, define and experience myself as a threat to myself in and as separation from myself

I commit myself to initiate a process of establishing stability, integrity and self-respect for myself in and as the physical body, through breathing and through begin making decisions according to what is best for my body and not what satisfies the mind’s ‘need for speed’.

I will continue in my next post with self-forgiveness.

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I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170

Tags: Asphyxia, Bernard Poolman, child-abuse, Crawling in my skin, Desteni, Embrace (English band), Environment, Experience, Forgiveness, Pledge Allegience, Speed of Light, Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character
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Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154

December 11, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

The last couple of days I’ve been in a ‘funk’ of sorts after having made the decision to walk through particular points of resistance, fear and addiction. After last week where I wrote about the resistance to going out and meeting people, where I decided to push the point, I started experiencing massive resistance, that culminated in this ‘deer-in-the-headlights-funk’ where I’ve experienced myself as being unable to move myself. So I am here now to write out a prescription for myself for prevention so that I can ‘face the music’ that comes with walking through resistances, fear and addictions where one will or might face such resistances towards walking through the points that come up. Here I will therefore continue walking the point I started with in my last blog which has to do with not pushing through resistances. Or rather how to prevent myself from not pushing through resistances.

The following are the previous posts that comes prior to this one and for context, I recommend reading them:

Without further ado I’ll jump straight in:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and convince myself that it is easier and more convenient to not push through a particular point of resistance/fear/addiction simply because of the fact that I then don’t have to change myself or do something new but can remain existent within and as the box of limitations as fear that I’ve created myself into and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only move myself according to backchat not seeing, realizing, understanding or asking myself where this backchat comes from and whether it is best for me to act according to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to backchat – where I submit myself to the inner conversations I carry out in my head within and as submerging myself into and as them accepting that these internal conversations and what they say is all I am where as I submerge myself more and more into the backchat the physical reality becomes blurry and irrelevant and all I care about is satisfying my backchat

When and as I see that I in the moment of facing the opportunity to push and walk through a particular point of resistance are accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat and experiences that it is easier to not push through the resistance, I stop and I breathe and I stop myself from participating in this backchat and experience. Because I see, realize and understand that the idea and belief that it is easier to not push through is a ‘built-in’ justification mechanism in the point of resistance that would trigger and be activated only in those moments where I actually allow myself to see that I have the opportunity to push through a resistance and where I see that it would be best for me, so these points of backchat are those something I use to manipulate myself into not push through the resistance through using a point of manipulation that I am ‘weak’ towards which is a desire, want and need for things to be easy and not difficult and basically what I am saying to myself is that if I don’t push through this resistance and thus accept it as ‘intact’ like a box I accept to be enclosing me, then I won’t have to face fear – as I accept the fear to limit me, the fear will ‘back off’ because there’s no longer a danger imminent – all of this of course only playing out as fuzzy logic of the mind. And I also see, realize and understand that deciding to not walk through a point of resistance, addiction or fear (which is essentially the same) is NOT in fact easier, even though it might provide an experience of instant gratification based on postponement but in the bigger picture of one’s life and experiences and in general short cuts are by default detours because there is no shortcuts to a good and happy life. Either we direct ourselves to change or we will keep facing the same shit in greater and greater density until we do. So therefore I commit myself to assist and support myself to, in those moments where I face the opportunity of pushing through a point of resistance, fear or addiction – to push myself and to remind myself that even though it seems easier to not push through, this is not so in fact and that I have to face this point sooner or later anyway.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I am constantly participating in backchat and therefore within and as that how automated it has become for me to constantly speak to myself in my mind about who I am and about what I am going to do and what I fear doing and how I don’t even notice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let backchat as inner conversation in my head where I speak to myself be my directive principle for how I move and as ‘who’ I move throughout my day where I have literally accepted myself as being unable to move simply because I said so to myself inside my head and accepted and allowed myself to ignite myself into more and more of a funk instead of stopping up seeing, realizing and understanding that all that is required for me to stop this experience, is to breathe and simply not accept it as real.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I can’t move myself as long as I accept and allow backchat to be that which I determine when, how and as who I should move because moving myself in fact here in the physical I am doing within making a decision to move myself in self-honesty as what is best for all whereas moving myself according to backchat is about not changing, about only doing what feels good, about generating energy for the mind

So when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to change how I move and experience myself according to the inner conversations that I am accepting and allowing in my head where I am literally driving myself into a funk – I push myself to stop and breathe. I push myself to see, realize and understand that the only form of movement or non-movement that is real and valid is when I move myself here in and as the physical and that any form of movement that is initiated or inhibited through mind-processes of thoughts, backchat or experiences first of all are not real and second of all are not what is best for me because the agenda of the mind is single-minded like a cancer-cell which is to just exist as it is and for nothing and no one else to exist – and I see, realize and understand that as long as I accept and allow myself to be directed by the mind instead of directing myself I will not be here as life and I will not expand or develop myself but only deteriorate into and as the restraining box of fear that I’ve accepted as myself. And so I commit myself to assist and support myself to breathe through the experiences of fear and resistance that come up as I am in the process of pushing through resistances, fears and addictions and I commit myself to see, realize and understand that even know experiences might come up that I experience as physical because I experience them within and as my body, these experiences are in fact not physical as physical pain or harm and therefore I can stop them and change my experience of myself. And as such I commit myself to change my experience of myself through breathing and not accepting or allowing the experiences of fear to fester within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how talking behind my own back in my head is exactly the same as mean-spirited gossip and bullying where children gang up on each other where I am completely disregarding the physical and only listen to myself as the loud pounding voices in my head along the emotional experiences and thoughts as images that comes up in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assist or support myself in self-directed self-honesty to understand, see and realize in absolute clarity and certainty that the words I speak within and as backchat as literal talking behind my own back is not real, but is in fact mean-spirited bullying basically because the mind knows that it is less than the physical and so it deliberately pulls the physical down so as to remain in power and control and this is then done by all the various parts of the mind, like kids in a school yard bullying that one kid who is actually the smartest but who ends up accepting himself to be a total loser

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat I stop and I breathe and I quiet myself. Because I see, realize and understand that back chatting is no different than mean spirited bullying and just like with mean-spirited bullying where children gang up on each other the purpose is to break down the one that is bullied often because the bullies feel inferior and therefore push the one that is bullied down so as to oppress them and win over them and therefore the purpose of me back chatting inside my own head is a farm of self-bullying where I am deliberately trying to break myself down as beingness in and as the physical. And so therefore I commit myself to stop bullying myself in my mind through backchat to break myself down and I commit myself to stand as that point of no longer accepting or allowing bullying within and as myself through which I’ve abused and oppressed myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how all backchat is exactly the same and exists for the exact same purpose: to make sure that I don’t move or change myself and risk stepping out of the mind which is exactly what is the result of me participating in backchat is that I don’t move myself and I become lazy, apathetic and complacent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I through my participation in backchat am sabotaging myself in my daily living and preventing myself to live to the fullest of my potential because the purpose of the backchat is self-manipulation, self-restraint and limitation where I am literally pulling myself in and closing in on myself instead of expanding myself

When and as I see that I am not moving myself effectively or consistently or with ease, I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that this indicates that I’ve been participating in backchat over a period of time and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to this backchat and so when and as I see that I am apathetic, lazy or complacent I know that it is because I’ve abdicated myself to backchat. As such I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to be apathetic, depressed, lazy and complacent because I see, realize and understand that it is the consequence of me bullying myself in my mind through backchat.

I commit myself to see, realize and understand that I’ve been using backchat to deliberately restrain and limit myself and as such that I am not being good to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within writing the point out and committing myself to stopping the backchat all was good and I would now be fine instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I literally have to re-brainwash myself exactly how I’ve brainwashed myself into creating and listening to the backchat to the point where I’ve automated the backchat by accepting it as who I am and so to stop existing in and as the backchat I have to consistently and actively stop believing it

When and as I see that I’ve written a point out or where I experience that its going well and that I it is done, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here. Because I see, realize and understand that realigning myself to a new way of living is a constant and consistent process of application where I literally have to re-brainwash myself and reprogram myself to a new way of living that does not simply change overnight or because I say so but only with self-directed and dedicated application. So I commit myself let go of the belief that I can quick-fix myself by simply writing things out or by feeling it or by saying it to myself and I commit myself to instead as I commit myself to walk through a particular point to remain consistent within my application and when and as I see after a few weeks that the point has not changed, I commit myself to go back and write out more dimensions of the point as that would indicate that I have not walked all the dimensions yet through my initial writing and as such I have a here a structure that I can utilize as I walk through points that comes up where I ensure that I walk with myself through each point to actually change it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed to not want to move myself and to not want to change myself and I want to only remain like this as who I am within and as my backchat and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to push through because this is all I accept myself as where I don’t see, realize, understand or realize to full extent as to why and how I accept and allow myself to be who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ll remain exactly as who I am now if I don’t make the active and self-directive decision to change myself beginning with simply stopping participation in and endorsement of backchat within and as my mind

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as an experience of resistance towards pushing through resistance where I’d experience that I simply don’t want to, I stop myself and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand now that not wanting to change is simply yet another build-in defense mechanism of the mind that only ‘works’ because I am accepting and allowing myself to prescribe worth and value to the backchat and experiences that comes up in and through the mind and that I’ve accepted as the totality of who I am. And so I commit myself to stop resisting pushing through resistances, fears and addictions and I commit myself to not participate in the experience of not wanting to change, because I see, realize and understand now that changing myself is a decision I make and as such it does not matter whether I want to or not.

I see, realize and understand that within the principle of resistance it is so that when one gives into the resistance, it grows to double size and it becomes more difficult to push through and when one then gives in again it grows four times in size and intensity and the same is so the other way around – so when one does in fact push through the resistance also becomes half as intense. And I also see, realize and understand that resistance does not exist anywhere but in my own mind – and this means that I can change and stop my experiences of resistance because I am the one creating them – and they are completely unnecessary and as such I commit myself to challenge myself to push through all resistances and to see, realize and understand for myself and show to others how simplistically it in fact is to push through resistance. It is simply a matter of doing it and the more one does it, the more the wall of mind-fuck cracks and a breath of fresh air as common sense self-honesty can pass through and open up one’s inner airways.

Thanks.

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* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

Check out the New FREE course from Desteni: Desteni I Process Lite.

Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154

Tags: Bernard Poolman, Cognitive Distortion, Desteni Group, Equal Money System, fear, fear of change, Forgiveness, Massive resistance, Prevention is the Best Cure, Resistance is Futile, resisting change
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Back to Breath (Day 6 of 21) Getting Off The Mental Hamster Wheel: DAY 138

November 7, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

Why do we get stuck in a Mental Hamsterwheel? How can we step out of the Infinite Loops of Delusion in our Minds? Why do we Rush through Life? And why Slow down?

This is Day 5 of my 21 day walk back to Breath. Suggest to read the previous posts before reading this post for context of what I will be walking:

21 DAY Commitment: (Day 1) Bringing Myself Back to Breath: DAY 133

Back to Breath (Day 2 of 21) MY “ME” IS MADE OF MEMORIES: DAY 134

Back To Breath (Day 3 of 21) There is only Room for One Here: DAY 135

Back To Breath (Day 4 of 21) Deliberate Cognitive Distortions: DAY 136

Back to Breath (Day 5 of 21) Social Engineered Mind Authority: DAY 137

Today I had a chat with my Desteni I Process (DIP) buddy. The DIP buddy is a person who walks with you through-out the DIP course and has regular chats about one’s process and the walking of the course in general. This is a tremendous support as one walk one’s daily participation and often do not ‘see the wood for the trees’ and so it is cool that there is someone who has dedicated themselves to walking-with and who can assist with bringing whatever point one is walking back to practicality – and back to breath.

The chat I had with my buddy today was one of such chats. Not a lot of words were exchanged, nor were they needed. The point that came up was obvious – so simplistically obvious, yet in that moment I did not see them for myself and as such I am grateful that my buddy was here to walk-with me and assist me in stopping up and giving myself a moment to breathe. A lot of points I am facing at the moment, are outshoots of this particular point that again links back to the point I am walking in these blogs of bringing myself back to breath.

My buddy (lol – typo: body) assisted me to see how I am participating in a projected idea, where I am constantly pushing myself to match this idea and because of that exist in a constant state of anxiety. When she said this, a ‘bubble’ burst inside me and I experienced a ‘release’.

When I say that it was an experience, it is thus not yet a self-directed decision of letting go, but more something that happened automatically. I’ve experienced this many times when supported by Destonians where they literally walk-with me in a moment where I am not walking-with myself and in that moment, I ‘meet’ myself or come back to myself – in this case, came back from the high-strung rush to reach this fucking ideal in my mind, that, the more I chase after it, the more it eludes me to ‘higher’ and ‘higher’ levels, where I experience myself becoming smaller and smaller yet do not try to stop chasing it, because I’m consumed within this chase to ‘reach to the top’. So I met myself. I came down to earth for a moment and was assisted in bringing myself back to breath.

It does not cease to surprise me how obvious points can be and how ‘thickheaded’ I can be, literally walking around in a wetsuit filled with water, not understanding why I feel so wet and heavy. Lol – it is like that. In and through this point of chasing the projection, I also experience a constant feeling of inadequacy and being not good enough. This point – as it is so constant – is obviously also a major reason of why I am not breathing effectively, however it is also because I am not breathing effectively, that I even accept and allow myself to begin chasing projections in the first place. Because as I’ve learned through walking these blogs, if one is breathing effectively – there’s no ‘room’ for bullshit. There can thus also only be room for bullshit, if one is not breathing effectively. The question would then be, as I’ve asked in a previous blog: why am I prioritizing existing in and as a ‘space’ made up of bullshit? And so the solution is so utterly simplistic: I need to sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooow dowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn.

Slowing down does not mean that I will be less effective, because I’ve seen clearly for myself that the more I try to rush to chase the projected idea of myself in my mind, the less effective I actually become. And when I slow down – direct myself here, in one point of participation at a time, nice and steady, consistent – I move at pace where I can ‘keep up’ with myself, which means that I am walking-with – and not in front of or behind myself, trying to run from and to ideas about ‘who I am’ in my mind.

The more I chase, the less I achieve and then I chase more and the result is a massive build-up of anxiety, frustration and emotions and from there ‘its anyone’s game’ in terms of possible possessions and experiences I might go into. And so the more I try to be more, the less I actually experience myself as. So now I am going to make a commitment to stop rushing and to slow myself down.

And this chat with my buddy assisted me to see this – which is of tremendous value, because how many of us are not running around in mental hamster-wheels, in infinite circles that simply does not stop because we’ve created a loop – a literal loop – that can last weeks, months, years and life-times, if something or someone does not come along and say: “Hey! You do realize that this hamster wheel you’re running around in, is not real and that you can in fact step out at any time right?”

And so I am grateful to the people who are walking-with in this process, as each walk by themselves, as I am the only one who can make the decision to stop the hamster wheel in self-honesty, and together as we walk together and can assist and support each other to stop and breathe and ask ourselves those questions through which we can dissolve the delusional mazes of the mind.

I will continue writing out self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements of application on this point of rushing in chasing after projections in my next blog.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist

* The Spirituality of the Snail

* Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 2

* How I was able to Hear the Desteni Message

* What the FAQ in an Equal Money System – Volume 2

* Hell Spoof

* What makes me Starve in a World of Plenty

* Quantum Mind Self Awareness Step 1 and Step 2

Suggest reading Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All.

Back to Breath (Day 6 of 21) Getting Off The Mental Hamster Wheel: DAY 138

Tags: chasing projections, Desteni, Desteni I Process, Desteni Lite, Equal Money System, Infinite loop, Mental Hamster Wheel, rushing through life, stuck in a mental loop, thoughts repeating themselves
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Would You Want Your Child to Live YOUR Life?

September 7, 2012 in Equal Money Blog, Uncategorized

Will your Child be just Another Brick in the Wall? What can YOU do to support your Child? Are Preschools what is best for your Child – are they Best For All?

This is a continuation to Are you Playing Russian Roulette with Your Child’s Future?

In this blog we’ll again be looking at preschool education, education in general as well as the relationships between adults and children – and what exactly it is we are bringing our children up to become. I will once again use an example from practical reality where I had the opportunity to get a glimpse into the world of ‘education’ from a ground level.

Here in Sweden there is a ‘policy’ that all children should be as much outside as possible. I am not sure if it is distinct for this municipality as I’ve not worked in other areas of Sweden, but I recognize the concept from my work in Danish preschools. However here in Sweden I’ve found that every preschool has the principle that children should be outside from 7.30 to 11 /11.30 all year round. When one enters most preschools for example, the main door will be locked and one has to go through a gate onto a playground where teachers and children will be located.

I am quite sure that the idea is (I’ve not yet asked or researched the exact policy or principle behind this) that children today spend way too much time sitting still indoors and requires some fresh air. I remember reading that it is the preschool’s responsibility because parents often don’t take the time to do activities outside. So many preschools have decided that – as a rule – everyone has to be outside from 7.30 to 11 /11.30 (or from 12 – 15.00). When I worked in Denmark in such a preschool, I remember how most of the staff as teachers and assistants hated being outside. Only a minute few either loved it or at least agreed with the point of value. I was as sure as hell someone who hated it. I hated being forced to be outside when it was cold and I hated being outside when it was cold.

One time I worked in a preschool where the children could decide for themselves when they wanted to go out. They were themselves responsible for getting dressed which was also different from many preschools where children will stand in cue waiting for adults to dress and undress them. So one of the reasons it’s ‘easier’ to have everyone go in and out at the same time, is that the adults does not have to put on clothes and take on clothes all the time. However in this preschool there was a principle of learning to do it for yourself, even for the little kids. So sometimes one would look out the window and it was snowing and some little three years old would be outside in the snow with only one boot on or without their coat. Then of course we had to intervene and call them back in to get probably dressed. In this preschool, instead of the children having to sit down and eat at specific times, they had created a ‘café’ in the center of the preschool where children could come and eat whenever they wanted to. If they ate too fast and became hungry later, there would be food and fruit available. If they did not eat at all, the parents would be notified. The principle behind this was to respect children’s play time and forming of friendships so that the day would be constructed around their preferences and not for the convenience of adults. This preschool was a lot more effective, with a lot less crying and screaming than anywhere else I’ve been.

Back to the Swedish preschool principle. So what I noticed as I have been visiting preschools where children has to be outside at certain times, is that the adults are not enjoying themselves. In many cases the adults are freezing cold, standing in a corner with their hands around a hot coffee mug and otherwise merely ‘supervising’ the children on the playground, performing ‘damage control’ (It’s not called ‘child rearing for nothing).

I’ve heard and seen many preschool teachers, who, when it’s their time to go inside and sit down and take a break express a sigh of relief almost and will even fight, scheme and manipulate their colleagues to be the one who gets to go in. This is of course because everyone has agreed to hold up the facade that ‘it’s so good to be outside’ – so no one is willing to admit that they in fact hate it and would much rather being inside. (Obviously I am primarily talking about the cold/winter time which here in Sweden lasts between 6-8 months from October to May.)

One day I later talked to a little boy who recently had his birthday and he had gotten a race track as a birthday present. He said that he had played with it all morning before we met. I asked him if he would have rather stayed at home and very firmly he replied: Yes, but we can’t do that. Exactly as his parents, he understands that he cannot stay at home, because his parents have to go to work and therefore he has to go to preschool. He understands. Because he has no choice.

So I started looking at this point: Why are we upholding traditions just to hold up traditions when we’re not even standing by them ourselves? Both the adults and the children at the party were merely there, representing a system. The adults understand that they are here to ‘rear’ the children into ‘civilized’ human beings. From a certain perspective – that’s all they’re there to do: make sure the children do not kill each other and understand that they can’t have everything they point at.

If we take this example with the principle that ‘kids needs to be outside and get fresh air’ – the absurdity is obvious. Because the same kids after the age of 6 will not be expected – or sometimes even allowed – to go outside. The older they get, the more it will be expected of them to sit still inside. So what does that mean? That only children under 6 benefits from fresh air? That adults do not benefit from being outside in the fresh air? Or that it lays a good foundation for a ‘healthy disposition’? How come are we not applying the same principles for children as for adults? An obvious answer is of course that children don’t have to work and therefore have time to be outside and enjoy the benefits of nature and fresh air. But I don’t know and have never met any child or adult who enjoys being forced to be outside in any kind of weather for hours at a time. Another argument is that if the children are not forced to be outside, most of them would chose something ‘unhealthy’ like sitting and watching TV and therefore we obviously have to make decisions on their behalf that they can’t make for themselves.

However at the preschool I mentioned previously where the children could go out whenever they wanted to, many children would opt to go out and it was especially children who were more expressive and who wanted to run around and express themselves loudly, whereas in an indoor environment they would be told to quiet themselves down with ‘indoor voices’.

Why is it that we’re expecting children to enjoy something that we don’t ourselves enjoy? Why do we want children to pretend like they’re having fun when they’re not and when we’re not? Why is it more important to SAY that you’re sorry than to actually understand the consequences of your actions? If being outside and getting fresh air is so great – why are we not applying the same rules for adults? People working in offices could be forced to go out for an hour every day. Why are they not if it’s so beneficial?

The point is once again that children who are in company with adults, who are actually enjoying themselves, are much more likely to also enjoy themselves. It’s absurd that we create a living and working environment based on principles and values that has no practical common sense. And what this shows is that what is in control and is directing us is the system that we’ve abdicated ourselves to.

The adults are doing it because ‘it’s part of the job’ and with the job comes money and money is required to survive in this world. A few of them actually believe in the principles and values placed within such a learning environment as a preschool is. But mostly they’re simply living their own self-abdication to the system, to such an extent that they’ll convince themselves that they’re having fun – so that they can stand as examples for the children in ‘supporting’ the children to also learn to lie to themselves and deny their basic physical self-support, for example to go inside when one’s body is too cold. But is it truly best for children to be outside every day for 4 hours? Or is it best for children to live in an environment with adults who are self-honest, who live in self-respect and dignity? Who support their physical bodies to it’s optimum potential instead of supporting myths and values that has no practical common sense?

What would you want for your child? What would you want if you were a child? The answer is obvious isn’t’ it? Even a child would agree. So why the hell are we so adamantly supporting a system that is not existing to support us? Because it’s all about the money – because the adults KNOW that just as they have abdicated themselves to the system to survive, the children have to do the same. And obviously whatever the adults accept for themselves, they will automatically accept for the children as well. Preschool teachers are thus deliberately training children to become submissive, complacent apathetic human beings who ironically, for the most part, will be forced sit inside an office for the rest of their lives (unless they become preschool teachers or forest rangers).

And the preschool teachers don’t dare to do things differently because then they would have to question their own lives as well and they would have to face the fact that they’re living on a lie and that they are telling themselves that they’re happy and free when in fact they’re existing as servants of the system, clapping their hands for the system, freezing their asses off for the system.

And the children accept that this is the lay of the land: “learn to love it” seems to be the parole. Because if you don’t love it and convince yourself into accepting the way the world works, your life will be even more hellish and you won’t survive. That’s the fear we all live in.

How dare we as adults coerce and force children into obedience to live on a lie, just so that we don’t have to face the fact that we are? How can we believe that it’s possible to change the world when we’re not even willing to change ourselves or the environment our children are brought into?

Our children will certainly not have a different life than we did and do, if we don’t change ourselves to be able to provide a living space where such a transformation and development is possible. So as long as well live in the cage, that’s what we’ll teach our children too – no matter what.

There is a solution to this mess: to reeducate ourselves as adults to become self-honest self-responsible human beings who are considerate and caring and who do not suppress our self-expression, adults who considers what is best for all within a given moment unconditionally without being limited and restricted by absurd bureaucracies. This is only possible if we change our economic and political systems, from systems based on competition for survival to systems based on common sense and equality.

Do you want your child to have the life you had? To live the life you’ve lived? To be the person you are? I am sure the answer is no. So if that is true what kind of example are you setting? Why the hell are you not changing yourself to stand as an example for your children, for all children– so that they can see that it is possible to grow up and become a person of integrity and self-respect, a person that is comfortable and expressive with their physical body, a person that cares about what is best for all life?

The only answer would be: because I want to keep living on a lie – even though it drains me and exhausts me and literally kills me to do day in and day out. Because this is all I know and I am afraid of leaving my cage, because at least ‘it’s comfortable in here’.

Well – if you would not want that for your child, why would you want it for yourself? If you see how unacceptable it is for a child to be brought up just to suppress themselves, why do you still insist on suppressing yourself? If you see that it’s absurd that a child is brought up only to live in fear of not surviving, why are you still allowing yourself to live in fear of not surviving?

Will you let the same shitty world system continue to decide for us because we have abdicated our own self-responsibility to it?

Or will you take yourself in the hand as a child and guide and direct yourself firmly in gentleness and unconditional support to change yourself to become a human being of self-trust and integrity – and thus stand as an example that it is possible to change and live in a way that in fact is best for all?

The solution is an Equal Money System – where all are provided for by a global system of equality from birth. All we have to do is to change the starting-point from which we live – from fear and competition and self-interest, to the courage to live in self-honesty and equality with each other. Investigate Desteni for tools on how to Change yourself so that we can Change the world together.

Whatever you decide – will be the future your children will have to live with.

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Give yourself the daily gift of reading the blogs from Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk!

Tags: Another brick in the wall, Child, Denmark, Education, Indoctrination, Parenting, Preschool education, Preschool philosophy, Preschool Policies, Preschool values, Revolution, Sweden, Teacher
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Consuming Life To Live Life: DAY 99

August 29, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

Why do We Consume Life to Live Life? Why do we Fear not being able to Consume? How do we as Humans Exist as Parasites and Cancer Cells upon the Earth?

This is a continuation to:

I CONsuME: DAY 98
The Consumption Character: DAY 97
Stepping out of the Temptation Character: DAY 96
And Lead us not into Temptation, but Deliver us from Evil: Day 95
The Temptation Character: Day 94
Desire to Connect/Fear of not Connecting with Others: DAY 88
Oneness According to The Jealousy Character: DAY 87
‘My Precious’ Addiction Redefined (PART 2): DAY 53
Gollum, Sméagol and ‘My Precious’ Addiction (PART 1): DAY 52
Addicted to Abuse of Substance (Part 2): DAY 48
Addiction as ‘Life’ (Part 1) DAY 47
Give ME MORE or I’ll Throw a TANTRUM! (Part 3): DAY 46
More IS Less (Part 2): DAY 45
MORE Wants MORE Wants MORE (Part 1): DAY 44

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the Consumption Character within and as participating in the backchat as internal conversation in my mind where I talk to myself and say: “If only I had —- I would feel complete.” And as such within and as actively participating in and giving attention to this backchat as real and valid and really who I am have accepted and allowed myself to verify and confirm for myself the belief/acceptance of myself as lacking/leaking and the subsequent desire to fill myself up within and as the belief that I can make myself complete by inserting something external as outside and separate from me into myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I AM THE ONE WHO IS SEPARATE as that is who and what I’ve accepted myself as and are living by/within/as in and as the consumption character – and thus that I’m attempting to reverse my own self-separation through creating even more separation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in, assume and step into the consumption character through and within participating in the backchat as internal conversation in my mind where I talk to myself and say: “This makes me feel SO complete, I must have more!” whenever I would consume something externally as outside and separate from me, according to the belief that I could fill myself up only from outside myself, not seeing, realizing or understanding that this experience of being full/whole/complete would only last for less than a moment, until I would experience a want/need/desire to get/have/take MORE because of the manifestation of the Consumption Character as being inherently lacking/leaking and within and as denying myself from realizing this, I deceived myself into constantly and continuously attempting to fill myself up – believing that if I just get MORE – more sex, more energy, more power, more food, more weed, more coffee, more friends, more love, more fun, more experiences, more success, more money – I would be complete/whole/full

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to step into, assume and participate within and as the Consumption Character from a starting-point of fear of loss fear of the lacking/leaking that I have accepted and allowed as my starting-point as that which constantly motivates and drives and directs me, yet which I have denied and suppressed and so within and as backchat as an internal conversation in my mind I am completely preoccupied within and as talking to myself that: “I must protect myself and make sure that I get MORE at all times”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live according to the belief that “I must get/be/become more at all times” and that “I must make sure I have enough… just in case” based on the fear of not having/being enough and the fear of leaking/lacking and so that I will justify within and as myself that I have a ‘right’ to take from others deliberately and make them deliberately have less, because all I care about it is me having more within fear ng to lose what I have

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when I am in a situation of sharing food with others to step into the Consumption Character within fearing loss/not having enough/lacking and as such make sure that I have/get/take more than others and if they for some reason get/have/take more than me, I’ll experience fear and react within experiencing it as unfair and will throw a tantrum to make sure that I get/have/take more than others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when in a position of sharing with others, make sure that I ALWAYS get/have/take more

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of feeling empty when I don’t get/have/take more and more and consume more and more constantly and as such have to make sure that I constantly get/have/take more to not experience fear of feeling empty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the feeling of being empty to such an extent that I’ll fill myself with anything just to avoid that feeling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ever investigate or embrace the experience and feeling of emptiness or myself within and as it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starving and within and as that constantly make sure that I get more food and more than what I need ‘just in case’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding that when I take more than what I need, I am deliberately causing others to have less than what they need and are thus causing them to starve because we exist in oneness but not in equality and through me living according to the fear of loss/leaking/lacking within and as the Consumption Character I am validating and legitimizing that as real and acceptable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of feeling like nothing when I do not have some form of external point of stimulation to such an extent that I will consume anything constantly and continuously to avoid that experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling like nothing when I don’t have a constant point of external stimulation on or inside my body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself equate the feeling/experience of nothing when I don’t have an external point of stimulation on or inside my body with dying/not being alive and thus within and as that believe that when I take/get a point of external stimulation I will be/become alive and not die

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, through/within/as the Consumption Character exist within and as a constant fear of lacking, losing, not being satisfied or full or whole – never ever investigating or asking myself where that fear comes from and how I created it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that whatever I perceive/experience/believe that I have, will be taken from me by another as outside and separate from me and that I will thus be lacking/losing that which I have

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my fear of loss has nothing to do with practical reality and that the more I act on it, the more it will grow as I accept it as the basis of my existence believing that I can eradicate it by complying with the fear, not seeing, realizing or understanding that all I am doing is validating the fear within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I consume something externally onto or in my body, feel and experience myself satisfied/full/whole/happy/excited/relaxed/feeing complete/whole within and as connecting/defining consuming/consumption as a positive energetic experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, once the energetic experience of the point of consumption dissipates feel a want/need/desire to “fill” myself up again and within and as that experience a negative energetic experience of anxiety/fear/panic/loneliness/desperation/feeling greedy/fearing others will take something from me/desiring to take something from others until I get to the point of consumption again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously loop in and as an infinite loop of polarity between the positive energetic experience of consumption and the negative experience within and as fear of loss/lacking/leaking constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ever question myself as the Consumption Character within and as my want/need/desire to constantly and continuously consume more and more and within and as the fear of losing and lacking

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to superimpose the Consumption Character onto the physical, blaming the physical as my physical body for my want/need/desire to consume, believing that it’s the physical body that constantly wants to consume and not me within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within and as my mind, used the physical, through the experience of desiring to consume, the act of consuming and that which I consume to fulfill and live out the Consumption Character

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that who I am as the Consumption Character is not physical but a character that I have created and assumed for myself within, as and through the mind and that I have forced into and as the physical, into and onto my human physical body and within and through which I have abused, exploited and depleted myself as the physical – within and as a starting point of fear of loss – in accepting myself as separate from and of myself and from the physical and from all and thus attempting to ‘regain’ myself through consuming the physical, not seeing, realizing or understanding that all I’ve been doing is separating myself more and more from myself the more and more I’ve consumed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I step into and assume the Consumption Character to experience a distinct feeling in my stomach/solar plexus similar to hunger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I step into and assume the Consumption Character to experience a desire coming up through my stomach into my throat and mouth and mouthwatering and as such within and as myself justify my experience as physical, biological and thus instinctual and within and as that deceive myself into believing and justifying that “I can’t help it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I step into and assume the Consumption Character to experience my eyes pinching, my shoulders, arms and chest pulling together and my legs as numb and as such within and as that go into and as ‘survival mode’ towards the point of consumption where I believe that I must consume at all costs to survive/live/exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow an existence and a world that is based on consumption of life based on my own acceptance of me having to consume life to be/get/have life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through creating, manifesting and participating within and as the Consumption Character within and as myself based on fear of loss/fear of not surviving have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and accept inequality within and as the world and in existence as legitimate and valid and as such accept and allow that 2/3 of the world’s population of humans are starving and existing in actual physical lack while a small minority exists in excess and abundance in and as an equation of inequality of the oneness that is here as all as life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow an existence and a world system where we live to die, where we destroy and annihilate the physical as what is here as unconditional support – because we live and exist in constant fear of loss

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow an existence and a world where we have absolutely no care or concern for anything or anyone else than this one point of consumption – because that is all I have ever accepted myself as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that we NEVER EVER get to the point of fulfillment – because the hole we’re trying to fill is ourselves and that every time we consume an external point, we exist in a separate relationship with that external point and with ourselves and thus merely confirm our own hole/separation and thus the more we consume, the more we want.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that if I just keep consuming more and more, I will eventually feel full, complete and satisfied

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my ability to consume for granted, without considering, seeing, realizing and understanding that my ability to consume is based on how much money I have and the fact that I am born into a condition of having money and taking the point of having money for granted within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider, see, realize and understand that my over consumption that I have taken for granted as my ‘birth given right’ is existing at the expense of abuse of other human beings and other life-forms

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a right to consume whatever I want, whenever I want it in the quantities that I want to – without ever consider, see, realize or understand the totality of the consequences of my consumption and whether my want is even real to begin with or if it in fact supports creating a world that is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not care about where the physical manifestations I consume come from or how they are created or what the consequences are – because all I’ve cared about is my own consumption

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that within and as accepting and defining myself as a consumer, I am accepting myself as deliberately depleting, abusing, exploiting and wasting life, the earth and my human physical body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ever take self-responsibility for who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become within/as and through the Consumption Character and as such direct and change myself in stepping out of and stopping the Consumption Character and the origin point of fear of loss and separation and create a world that is best for all, where our oneness as all of existence is equal and standing together in equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that how and as who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and through the mind, is as a parasite or a cancer cell upon the body as the earth as the oneness organism that as my human physical body requires an absolute equilibrium of all parts supporting one another unconditionally in equality, but where I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist only within and as self-interest of myself as a separate individual entity existing in fear and competition with all other parts and thus in fact exist as a threat to the equilibrium of life

Tags: Consumer, Consuming Life, Consumption, Humans are like cancer cells, Humans are like parasites, Saving the earth, Zygmunt Baumann
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Stepping out of the Temptation Character: DAY 96

August 26, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

Here I prescribe the Solution for me to Step out of the Temptation Character through Self-Commitment and Corrective Application. This is a continuation to the following:

When and as I see an image popping into my mind of eating something or doing something, I stop and investigate what it is in the moment that I am giving myself the opportunity to suppress and run away from through temptation. I breathe and remain here. I let go of the fear of facing myself.

When and as I see that I am participating in backchat towards leaving what I am doing/participating within and as a specific point of temptation to go and eat something or do something, I stop. I breathe and I remain here.

When and as I see that I am experiencing a desire/urge within and as a physically imposed experience, I stop and investigate whether this urge is physical or whether it is mind-instigated through thought and backchat. When and as I see that it is mind-instigated, I go back and see in self-honesty the time-line of thought -> backchat -> experience and before that the point that I had wanted to suppress and run away from within and as myself. I bring myself back to this point and push through the resistance in breath in bringing myself back to the point of participation/self-realization that I was running away from through manipulating myself with/as/within temptation.

I see, realize and understand that I have created the Temptation Character from a starting-point of self-manipulation and suppression where I have used temptation to deliberately move myself away from what I’m facing to suppress myself and not have to face/change myself

I commit myself to stop, step out of and delete the temptation character

I commit myself to delete all images in my mind

I commit myself to stop following images/backchat/urges that come up in my mind into action and application

When and as I see that I am blaming another or something as outside and separate from me for me feeling tempted and for me acting on temptation, I stop.

I see, realize and understand that I am projecting the responsibility and creation of the Temptation character onto another as outside and separate from me, so that I can abdicate self-responsibility and continue directing myself within and as the temptation character

I see, realize and understand that I have separated myself from myself as the creator of the temptation character

I see, realize and understand that I have abdicated self-responsibility for myself in and as the Temptation Character

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for myself as the Temptation Character through stopping participation within and as it and deleting it from within and as myself

I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the images, backchat and experiences that come up within and as myself, through which I trigger and activate the Temptation Character within and as stopping participation in and as them and in and through slowing myself down to see and realize when and as such as thought/backchat/experience pops up so that I can stop

When and as I see that I am experiencing/believing that it is a devil/demon character outside and separate from me or that it is an ‘instinct/urge’ within and as me, yet still as something outside and separate from me that is causing me to follow temptation, I stop. I breathe.

I see, realize and understand that I am the creator, origin and starting-point of the Temptation Character as I am the creator, origin and starting-point of myself

I see, realize and understand that I’ve deceived myself into believing it’s something else outside separate from me that is doing the tempting, like a devil/demon character or like a biological instinct that I have no control or direction over or that “it’s not my fault that I am being tempted, I was born this way” or “it’s my mother’s fault” or “it’s because I am genetically predisposed to wanting sugar”

I see, realize and understand that I am the one that makes the decision to activate and step into the Temptation Character

I commit myself to stop and delete the belief that whatever happens within and as me, is something I have no control or direction over

When and as I see that I am justifying my participation in a pattern/characters and personalities because it is automated, I stop.

I see, realize and understand that I have created automated patterns/characters and personalities deliberately to abdicate myself to, within and as within deceiving myself to believe and accept that the point of automation cannot be reversed and that I must follow it simply because it is automatic

I see, realize and understand that I am the one who has made the decision to make a pattern/character and personality automated and to act in automated patterns of behavior, in and as justification and self-manipulation into self-abdication of responsibility, because “if it’s automated, I have no control/direction and might as well give in/give up”

When and as I see myself making the justification within and as my mind in and as backchat that a specific pattern/character/personality is automated and that I therefore have no self-direction to stop it, I stop. I breathe.

When and as I see that I am participating within and as an automated pattern/character/personality, I stop. I breathe.

I see, realize and understand that once a pattern/character/personality has become automated, it is because I have participated in and as it, over and over and over again, through many years of dedication and consistent application of and as myself within and as the particular pattern/character/personality

I commit myself to support myself stop all automated patterns/characters and personalities by bringing these back to myself in and as self-responsibility, in getting to the origin point of and as myself as the creator of the pattern/character/personality, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application

When and as I see that I am acting on temptations and addictions, I support myself to practice breathing so that I can prepare myself to walk through my addictions and temptations

I see, realize or understand that self-abuse through acting on temptations and existing in addiction, can only exist if I actively do not take self-responsibility for myself

I commit myself to walk through my addictions and the supporting temptation through and within taking self-responsibility

When and as I see that I am judging and blaming myself for following temptations in defining/judging it as a psychological ‘weakness’ within and as myself, seeing myself as having ‘no backbone’ and having a ‘weak character’ I stop. I breathe.

I see, realize and understand that I through the Temptation Character are in full control over myself – yet only within and as a specific frame-work of existing within and as the mind with particular rules and modes and that it is not a weakness but a misrepresentation and misplacement of my directive will – which originates within and as myself as my starting-point of who and what and how I live and exist and accept myself

I commit myself to stop judging myself for accepting and allowing myself to following the Temptation Character

When and as I see that I am participating in blame towards another as being the source and origin of me stepping into the Temptation Character, I stop.

I see, realize and understand that I have projected my own self-responsibility for the creation of the temptation character onto another, as a point outside separate from me, to deliberately abdicate self-responsibility and in fact so that I can follow through with my temptation and thus with what the purpose of the temptation is, to create inner conflict and to suppress myself and divert attention from the real issues I am facing/walking

I commit myself to stop blaming others as being at fault for me following my temptation

I commit myself to stop projecting my self-responsibility as the creation of the Temptation Character onto someone as outside and separate from me

When and as I see that I am experiencing and participating in a positive relationship towards temptation, where I feel good about following my temptation – I stop. I breathe.

I see realize and understand that I created a positive relationship within myself towards the Temptation Character when I was a child and I was not allowed to eat ice cream or drink soda because I would get sick, and how I would do it anyway and deliberately defy my mom within feeling left out of for example children’s birthday parties in seeing the other children eating ice cream and drinking soda and in experiencing it as unfair that I was not allowed to and in feeling that I was being mistreated, and so I did it anyway and felt good about my own ability to act on my own to get what I wanted and where I felt superior to my mom in that I could defy her and cheat here – with the consequence of me getting sick and having severe stomach aches, which I can interestingly enough only briefly remember while I remember the temptation and desire to eat candy very well.

I commit myself to stop and delete the positive relationship I’ve created towards the Temptation Character

I commit myself to delete the memory of my positive relationship to the Temptation Character when I was a child

When and as I see that I am participating in the Temptation Character to support the Addiction Character, I stop. I breathe.

I see, realize and understand that I’ve created a relationship of support between the Temptation Character and the Addiction Character, where the Temptation Character will support the Addiction Character, through inserting temptation to do/consume that which I am addicted to, specifically within and as suppressing myself

I commit myself to stop using the Temptation Character as a supporting character for the Addiction Character

When and as I see that I am experiencing a want/need/desire to fight the Temptation Character, I stop. I breathe,

I see, realize and understand that if the Temptation Character exists within and as me, it is because I have already surrendered myself to/as it and therefor fighting it is yet another act of self-manipulation where I justify acting according to temptation in experiencing that the temptation “won” and I “lost” the battle – when in fact I had already decided to lose

I see, realize and understand that I have created the Temptation Character specifically to intercept and manipulate myself to not Face or Change myself and that I, through participating in the Temptation Character will utilize my own ‘weaknesses’ and ‘weak spots’ as the relationships I’ve created towards specific foods or drugs or experiences, either as ‘forbidden’ and thereby energetically highlighted in my mind through the conflict I generate in doing that which I’m not supposed to do or in simply being the mechanism with which I step into the Addiction Character towards points of action/consumption that I’ve already abdicated myself to

I commit myself to stop fighting the Temptation Character and to stand one and equal to the Temptation Character

When and as I see that I am experiencing a want/need/desire to manipulate and tempt others to do something that I want them to do so that I can legitimize and validate the Temptation Character within myself, I stop. I breathe.

I see, realize and understand that I have deliberately tempted others to do things, as a support for my character or where I’ve manipulated others deliberately to tempt me so that I could blame them for tempting me and abdicate self-responsibility

I commit myself to stop manipulating others and tempt them to support my Temptation Character.

When and as I see that I am reacting to the word/manifestation of temptation within and as a positive energetic reaction, in wanting to rebel and in experiencing myself as freeing myself through acting according to temptation, in perceiving the opposite of temptation, as restraint and limitation, I stop. I breathe.

I see, realize and understand that I have created a relationship of reaction towards the word/manifestation of temptation within and as a positive energetic reaction, in wanting to rebel and in experiencing myself as freeing myself through acting according to temptation, in perceiving the opposite of temptation, as restraint and limitation

I commit myself to stop and delete my reaction towards the word Temptation.

When and as I see that I am blaming god for restricting Adam and Eve from eating from the Tree of Knowledge and for placing himself as superior over Adam and Eve and for having placed a temptation as the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden and then blaming Adam and Eve when they ate from the Tree, I stop. I breathe.

I see, realize and understand that I have defined temptation as positive and myself as a rebel as positive within and as following temptation based on me equating temptation with freeing oneself from restraint of an unfair authority having blamed God for restricting Adam and Eve from eating from the Tree of Knowledge and for placing himself as superior over Adam and Eve and for having placed a temptation as the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden and then blaming Adam and Eve when they ate from the Tree

When and as I in the moment make the decision to follow my temptation, feel and experience a positive energetic experience within feeling that I am sinning and deliberately conning an authority outside of myself that has unfairly restricted me from acting/consuming a particular manifestation where I feel naughty and self-empowered and at the same time feel a negative energetic experience where I feel guilty and ashamed and are afraid of being punished by the authority outside, separate from me and where I hate the fact that I am just following a dictate without having any directive will, even if it is something that I know is abusive for me and my physical body – I stop. I breathe.

I commit myself to stop and delete my relationship to the word temptation within and as Equating it with freeing oneself from restraint of an unfair authority, such as Adam and Eve in their relationship with God or me in my relationship with my mom

When and as I see that I am participating in a belief that I am more prone to be tempted/tempting because I am a woman and thereby and within that have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief as yet another excuse/justification for me allowing myself to direct myself within temptation

I see, realize and understand that I’ve deceived myself into believing that I am more prone to be tempted/tempting because I am a woman in manipulating and deceiving myself to use this belief as yet another excuse/justification for me allowing myself to direct myself within temptation

I commit myself to stop participating in justifications for not allowing myself to direct myself within temptation

I see, realize and understand that there does not exist any point I feel tempted towards that is not abusive in some way – towards myself, other and the whole and that thereby the Temptation Character functions at the basis of me deliberately abusing myself in and through existing in an alternate reality with ulterior motives that is NOT to support myself to stand up as Life in Self-Dignity and Self-Honesty, but to keep me locked in and as the mind, in complete self-suppression and indignity and abdication of self-responsibility

I commit myself to support myself to stand up as Life in Self-Dignity and Self-Honesty, but to keep me locked in and as the mind, in complete self-suppression and indignity and abdication of self-responsibility

Tags: feeling tempted, no more temptation, saying no to temptation, stopping temptation, sucessfully stopping temptation, Temptation
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‘My Precious’ Addiction Redefined (PART 2): DAY 53

June 21, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life, Uncategorized

I continue investigating myself in and as addiction as this is a primary construct that I cannot effectively walk through and stand up from, unless I understand in detail how I have designed and constructed myself into and as addiction, addict and addicted and bring myself back here as the authority over and as myself. I am continuing the point from yesterday’s writing.

Addiction

Etymology/Dictionary definition:

1530s (implied in addicted), from L. addictus, pp. of addicere “to deliver, award, yield; give assent, make over, sell,” figuratively “to devote, consecrate; sacrifice, sell out, betray” from ad- “to” (see ad-) + dicere “say, declare” (see diction), but also “adjudge, allot.” Earlier in English as an adjective, “delivered, devoted” (1520s). Related: Addicted; addicting.

My current allocation:

I experience an ambivalent relationship towards addiction where I am on one hand ashamed of being addicted and judging myself for being addicted and feel completely powerless towards addiction and on the other hand experience a positive relationship towards addiction as something in which I feel safe, in control and nurturing of myself. It is a polarized experience.

Sounding:

A-Dick-I-Tie-On

Add-It-On

A – beginning

Dick – desire/creator

Tie – Enslave

On – directive principle or One – Self

A-Dick-Shun

Redefinition of addiction:

Addiction is a relationship-construct designed specifically based on our separation of and from ourselves, where we’ve created an artificial need and dependency and thus relationship towards something/someone outside separate from ourselves that we believe we require to sustain ourselves physically, while it is actually only the mind that is sustained through our addictions – while we’ve infused the addiction into and onto the physical that in no way need or require the addiction to sustain itself and as such the design of addiction is abusive and deceptive in nature and only exists to reconfirm our separation of and from ourselves as the physical into and as the mind, through the dependency on something/someone outside separate from us.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience an insatiable desire to remain addicted to that which I have created a relationship of addiction towards wherein I have connected and infused the experience of addiction into my human physical body, through which I have justified the addiction within and as me, as a need which I believe that I cannot function/survive/live without

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and to participate in an experience that I cannot function without my addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in the experience of wanting to indulge in my addiction and feeling horrible when I don’t as a real and valuable experience because I have infused the addiction into my human physical body and thus have used the physical experience of discomfort as an excuse and justification for not stopping my addiction, while it is evident that an addiction is not a real physical need or requirement as the only physical requirements for me to live and exist is to breathe, eat, rest and care for my human physical body with whatever is in fact required for me to physically sustain myself

I forgive myself, that I through having accepted and allowed myself to let the mind be the directive principle of and as me as the authority through which I direct myself, have accepted and allowed myself to take my human physical body hostage in forcing and enforcing addictions into and onto my human physical body and as such have accepted and allowed myself to create a physical – yet artificial need to comply to that which I have created an addiction towards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept or allow myself to walk through the fear of stopping my addiction and the desire to indulge in that which I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to and to instead remain in a limbo experience of not walking back and not walking forth and instead remain between the two points and as such not moving myself in any way what so ever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain trapped within and as an experience of limbo where I am not walking back or forth, but remaining within and as a point in between stopping the addiction and giving into it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stop my addiction for my partner’s sake, to remain in a relationship with my partner and for the sake of others so as to remain in a positive relationship with others, where they would see me as someone worth being in a relationship with, instead of stopping for myself – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that an addiction is an artificial need that in no way has anything to do with actual physical living requirements and that addiction in its very design is abusive because I have made myself dependent upon something outside separate from me that is not an actual physical requirement and as such is a delusional and self-deceptive need that I have justified as real to ensure my survival/existence, when in fact it is I within and as the mind who have forced and enforced the addiction into and onto my human physical body, to justify my addiction to, within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have made myself dependent upon something outside separate from me that is not an actual physical requirement and as such is a delusional and self-deceptive need that I have justified as real to ensure my survival/existence, when in fact it is I within and as the mind who have forced and enforced the addiction into and onto my human physical body, to justify my addiction to, within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself ashamed of being addicted and being an addict and for exposing to my partner and to others that I am addicted when I understand in knowledge and information that it is not real and that I should be able to walk through it with ease and as such have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for being addicted and for being an addict in seeing, defining and judging being addicted and as such being an addict as weak and wimpy, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that judging myself is useless and will only prolong my process of walking through the addiction and reinstating myself here in and as the physical as the authority of, over and as myself through and within breath as the primary physical requirement for me to sustain myself and live and exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience it as extremely difficult and basically impossible for me to stop my addiction and to be ashamed of that within and as myself in experiencing and judging myself as being weak and stupid for not simply walking myself through the addiction with ease

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the reason why I experience it as difficult to stop the addiction and thus to stop being addicted, is because I have already given myself permission to be an addict, through creating a relationship that I have nurtured over many years between the mind and my delusional belief in addiction as a physical requirement and my human physical body that I have forced to enforce my addiction and as such manifest my addiction through, within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that while the addiction starts in the mind, in me separating parts of myself from myself and as such creating an artificial dependency upon and towards points/experiences outside separate from me, the addiction is dependent upon me enforcing it into and onto the physical as it is only in and through the physical that I can get the energy I believe I require to sustain my addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and nurtured and nurturing towards myself when and as I participate in my addiction and give my addiction the drug that I have created an addicted relationship towards as an artificial dependency that I have deceived myself into believing that I require to sustain myself and function and thus survive in my world, my reality and in my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship between my mind as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a separate entity separate from myself as the physical and my human physical body wherein and through which I have made myself dependent upon artificial needs outside separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that I, through accepting and allowing myself to participate in, as and through addiction, have accepted and allowed myself to reinforce and reconfirm my separation of and from myself in and as the physical because the very design of addiction is the belief enforced into and onto the physical that I require and need something outside separate from myself to sustain myself here in and as the physical, thus creating an infinite loop of ‘lack’ where I through participating in addiction reconfirm that I am separate and thus reinforce the artificial need for something outside separate from me to sustain myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience my addiction and that which I have created an addictive relationship towards as ‘my precious’ where I protect and guard and hold onto my addiction and that which I have made myself addicted towards in a ‘love’ relationship wherein I believe that by feeding my addiction I am nurturing myself in fact – because I have separated myself from self-nurturing by separating myself from myself as the physical as my human physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that an addiction can only exist and have power over me if I have separated myself from myself in and as the physical, thus believing and accepting that I require something outside separate from myself to sustain me and as such survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that one of the reasons why I am an addict is because my father was an addict and my mother is an addict and that I have accepted and allowed myself to infuse their relationship with addiction and their acceptance of themselves as addicts, into and as myself through infusing their mind-consciousness-systems into and as myself as well as through my relationship with and towards them and in seeing how they felt better about themselves when they adhered to their addictions and as such have accepted and allowed myself to walk in their image and likeness in defining addiction as something positive through which I am nurturing myself instead of seeing realizing and understanding that they, as I do now, have made themselves dependent upon an artificial need of something outside separate from them, because they had separated themselves from themselves here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can function better when I adhere to addiction and that participating in the addiction gives me some form of control over myself and my life – not seeing, realizing or understanding that it is the addiction that is in control and that I have no control whatsoever as I have abdicated myself to an artificial need of something outside separate from me to sustain myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that it is not the physical manifestation that I am addicted to as that which I have created a relationship of addiction towards, but the experience that I create within and as myself when I participate in the addiction of feeling positive in feeling nurtured and nurturing towards myself, in feeling in control over myself, in experiencing that I am giving myself ‘something more’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devote myself to addiction and to as an addict having accepted and allowed myself to create a religion within and as myself where I have made that which I am addicted to a ‘god’ as an authority within and as me that I have accepted as the governing and directive principle over and as me that I much adhere to at all costs in order to be able to sustain myself and survive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and feel that through participating in addiction that I am giving myself ‘more’ and as such making my life and myself ‘more’ by and through participating in addiction where I believe that the addiction is giving me something that I cannot give myself – as safety, security, control and nurture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and feel that when I participate in addiction that I am being ‘good’ to myself because of the experience that I have when I don’t participate in or adhere to the addiction of feeling and experiencing discomfort not seeing, realizing or understanding that I experience discomfort because of the addiction and as such that I would not experience discomfort if I was not addicted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a polarized relationship to, towards and within addiction where I in a positive polarity experience myself as nurtured by the addiction and as nurturing myself in the addiction and feel positive as in control of and over myself through participating in the addiction and in a negative polarity judge and blame myself for being addicted and feel ashamed of being addicted and for the addicted having control over me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and manifest myself into and as a personality-entity of ‘Gollum’ within and as myself in a relationship towards and addiction towards a point outside separate from me, where I am completely obsessed with keeping that which I am addicted to, because I the experience of energy I generate when I possess that which I am addicted to, where I will fight and protect my addiction at all costs, including abusing myself and depleting the life out of myself, in and through having separated myself from life and having projected ‘life’ and living as energy onto the addiction, not seeing realizing or understanding that I am being consumed by my own desire to possess myself in separation from myself and where I believe that as long as I control my addiction and make sure no one takes it from me, I am fine, while fearing anything and anyone that might threaten my relationship towards that which I am addicted to, where I as ‘Gollum’ exist as a self-made god in the belief that I am possessing ‘the essence/substance of life’ through possessing that which I am addicted to – not realizing, seeing or understanding that I am the one being controlled, consumed and possessed by my own desire and fear as it is manifested through my separation of and from myself into and as an addiction as an artificial need of being dependent upon something outside and separate from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a and manifest myself into and as a personality-entity of ‘Sméagol’ within and as myself in a relationship towards and addiction towards a point outside separate from me, where I experience, believe and accept myself completely consumed and controlled by my desire to have that which I am addicted to and the fear of how I will experience myself if I lose that which I am addicted to and where I experience shame and self-judgment towards myself for being addicted and where I slowly but surely allow myself to deplete myself of life, out of fearing to lose my addiction and where I experience, believe and accept myself to be a slave of my addiction – never questioning its authority because I know how I will experience myself if I give up the addiction – and I fear that experience so extensively that I readily and willingly submit myself to the addiction – willing to do, say, be and become anything to sustain my relationship to the addiction

Self-Corrective Statements:

I commit myself to investigate all details of how I have designed, manifested and accepted myself as an addict, and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application release myself from the relationship I have created within and as me towards that which I have allowed myself to become addicted to by reinstating myself as a authority over and as me, through breath

I commit myself to prepare myself to walk through the storm of withdrawal that I experience when I stop addiction because I realize that this and these experiences am me as the mind fighting to remain in control over myself as life and as the physical, fighting to remain as the authority over and as me and that if I do not reinstate and create myself as the authority over and as me, I will keep allowing the mind to stand as the authority over and as me, with the only purpose of sustaining itself as the mind through depleting myself as the physical as life – exactly like Gollum was transformed and depleted into a being only existing for his addiction and I realize that it has taken me many many years to created myself into and as an addict and that I have made addiction, myself as an addict and the experience of being addicted a primary personality within and as me – and so I support myself to be patient and to walk the steps that is required for me to step out of the relationship between the mind and the physical towards points/manifestations as addictions breath by breath instead of expecting myself to magically be able to stop and then when the emotional shit hits the fan, I have no supportive system in place to support myself through and therefore give up and give into the addiction again which makes it that much harder for me to stop again, because I’ve now created a layer of ‘defeat’ and ‘giving up’ on top of the addiction which I then also have to walk through

I commit myself to investigate and expose and to support others to do the same how addiction exist within and as a relationship-construct of the mind, where we create a relationship of dependency as an artificial need of self-sustenance towards points/manifestations outside separate from ourselves in the belief that we need the addiction to sustain ourselves physically within how we’ve enforced the addiction into and onto our human physical bodies, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what addiction is designed to sustain is the mind and our constant and continuous separation of and from ourselves in and as the physical

I commit myself to walk through addiction in self-honesty and to not accept addiction as more than or less than who I am here and to stand one and equal with the design, manifestation and creation of myself as addiction, in getting to know the specific details of the addiction-design/construct and how I have created and manifested the addiction design/construct so that I can bring it back to myself and embrace it as myself and direct myself to stop and step out of addiction

I commit myself to show and expose that addictions are artificial needs as dependencies we’ve created to sustain ourselves in the physical that is based on self-deception and manipulation through how we’ve infused the relationship-dependency into and onto our human physical bodies, when in fact we do not physically require addictions to sustain our physical bodies and such support myself as all to see, realize and understand that we do not require addictions to sustain ourselves in and as the physical and that what we are stopping as we stop addictions, is in fact our dependency upon the mind and thus the mind’s sustenance through which we can start standing up as life, here, in and as the physical, without requiring anything or anyone outside separate from us to sustain ourselves, because we stop accepting and manifesting ourselves as separate from or of ourselves

I commit myself to show and expose that the manifested nature and design of addiction is abuse of life and abuse of substance as life – as addictions can only be sustained as long as we reconfirm ourselves as separate from ourselves, dependent upon and requiring energy as ‘more’ than who and what we are here to sustain ourselves, while in fact this is not physically so and thus through participating in addictions, we are fuelling the self-separation and depleting ourselves in and as the physical as life

(To be continued)

Artwork by Damian Ledesma.

Gollum, Sméagol and ‘My Precious’ Addiction (PART 1): DAY 52

Addiction as ‘Life’ (Part 1) DAY 47

Addicted to Abuse of Substance (Part 2): DAY 48

MORE Wants MORE Wants MORE (Part 1): DAY 44

More IS Less (Part 2): DAY 45

Give ME MORE or I’ll Throw a TANTRUM! (Part 3): DAY 46

The Design of Addiction

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Tags: Addict, addiction, how to overcome addictions, How to stop addiction, I am an addict, The personality of an addict
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Gollum, Sméagol and ‘My Precious’ Addiction (PART 1): DAY 52

June 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

The character “Gollum” in the Lord of the Rings is someone I can relate very much to. I can relate to his monstrosity, his level of obsession and how his obsession with possession transformed him and consumed him into a monster of sorts that lives only to remain in possession and control over that which has power over him as his ‘precious’ – in the movies it is the ring, in my life it is the mind, my thoughts, emotions and feelings and my addictions in particular.

The character then also experiences a split personality with “Sméagol” as the original being that is innocent but at the same time weak while Gollum is the strong one that is willing to kill to get to keep his precious. The same relationship dynamic is playing out in “The Cell” where a social worker enters the mind of a serial killer to rescue a girl and finds him split into a child personality and a god/demon personality, whom which are not reconciled as the god/demon rules over the child and the child fears the god/demon, just like Sméagol fears Gollum.

I will write here about my own inner Gollum and Sméagol and how they exist as separate ‘entities’ within and as me as ‘entities’ or ‘beings’ at play inside of me and that the authority of and as me is not what is best for all life – because in many and most cases, it is the thoughts, emotions, feelings and addictions in particular that dictate and determine who and what I am and what I participate within and as and what not.

Gollum is that which protects the ‘precious’, that which will fight off anything or anyone that threatens the ‘precious’ and who will scheme and manipulate and lie and deceive – and even kill to make sure that I don’t lose possession of ‘MY precious’. Sméagol is more that which is submitted to the obsession with the possession – the inner weakness that is drawn to a certain addiction. These two then come together in this one being, the one that is drawn towards the addiction and submitted to it and the one that fights for the addiction – in an ‘entity’ that is completely consumed by this one point, never restless, always afraid of losing ‘MY precious’. Having a look at Gollum in “The Lord of the Rings” he has lost all contact to his former life, all he exists for is the ring. There is absolutely no practical reason for him to be addicted to the ring, besides the energy and power the ring makes him feel. It does not keep him warm or feed him or give him the company of others. To possess the ring, he must be entirely alone because anyone could be a possible threat to his possession of the ring.

The God/demon and the child in “The Cell” have a similar yet different relationship-structure. They exist in a man’s mind due to the abuse he was exposed to as a child. The child-entity is thus him as ‘purity’ – the being that is still stuck in the past, incapable of defending himself, stuck in a past moment of terror and petrification. The God/demon entity is a mind-delusion personality that he has developed through the abuse of his childhood. It is similar to Gollum, the strong one and the one that thrusts forth the addiction – in his case to kill and murder women. The child simply exists in there in his mind, hidden and suppressed, constantly running away from the violence and abuse.

All of these entities are existing within and as me – and they specifically exist in my relationship with addictions. I have been writing quite a lot about these addictions – and it is clear that how I exist in addictions, is more solidified – through my own decree – than I thought. When I am in the addiction I think that I can simply let it go, and I make the decision – but when I am to go through the stopping of the addictions, a storm of experiences and emotions come over me. I understand that this is a manipulation tactic of the mind. It is Gollum telling Sméagol that they cannot exist without the ring. It is the God/demon that pushes the child away to claim his ‘throne’ inside the mind of the serial killer. I become and live for addiction. It is my obsession and possession. It is interesting with the word possession because it is a double-edged sword because its meaning holds opposite definitions: To be in control of something/someone – to own it and on the other hand one can BE possessed oneself, thus being owned by something or someone else. In the experience of addiction, one is both the one possessing something and the one being possessed by something. One owns and owned at the same time. Sméagol is possessed by the desire and obsession for the ring and Gollum is obsessed with possessing the ring. The God/Demon in “The Cell” possesses the women he kill and the child is being possessed by the memories of his childhood and by the God/Demon.

So what I will be picking up and continue to write about is the point of addictions and how I have allow these entities within and as me through addiction, through back chat, through thoughts to be the directive principle and authority over me – where I am clearly not standing as the authority of myself and where the consequences are a depletion of life into and as consumerism, where life is being consumed by addiction as that which I’ve held precious within and as a starting point of fear. Obviously what Gollum/Sméagol does is that he separates his own life value into the ‘preciousness’ of the ring as the energy (as ‘life’) he perceive himself to be getting from it – and then he fears losing it, in fact because he’s already separated himself into and as it.

I’ll continue in my next post with Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements.

Tags: Gollum, Gollum and Sméagol, Gollum Personality, Lord of The Rings, Psychology of Gollum, Sméagol, Who is Gollum
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Frygt for at gå til Job Interview: DAG 2

June 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

Jeg skal til et job-interview imorgen og jeg kan se hvor nervøs jeg har været i en oplevelse af at jeg ikke er god nok, på trods af at jeg har de rigtige kvalifikationer. Så jeg vil her skrive selv-tilgivelse på dette punkt og skrive selv-korrigerende bekræftelser så jeg kan gå igennem og gå til denne her job samtale klar og uden reaktioner.

Jeg tilgiver mig selv for at jeg har tilladt og accepteret mig selv at skabe, deltage i og opleve en følelse af nervøsitet overfor det at skulle til job samtale – på baggrund af hvordan jeg ser og oplever og dømmer mig selv som værende ikke god nok, som beskidt, som en taber, som for fed

Jeg tilgiver mig selv for at have tilladt og accepteret mig selv at dømme, opleve og se mig selv som værende ikke god nok, som beskidt, som en taber og som for fed

Jeg tilgiver mig selv for at have tilladt og accepteret mig selv at have skabt et forhold indeni mig selv af indvendig konflikt hvor jeg har et henholdsvis positivt og negativt forhold til det at arbejde, til arbejdsmarkedet, hvor jeg på den ene side har dømt arbejdsmarkedet og det at arbejde og folk der er successfulde og på den anden side i hemmelighed har længtes efter at arbejde og deltage i arbejds-markedet og at være sucessfuld på arbejdsmarkedet

Jeg tilgiver mig selv for at have tilladt og accepteret mig at være bange on nervøs for hvordan arbejdsgiverne vil se mig til job-samtalen og om vil synes at jeg er for fed eller for grim eller for dum – dette baseret på mine år udenfor arbejdsmarkedet hvor jeg specifikt så mig selv som en pariah, en taber, en outsider – og hvor jeg eksisterede i en konstant indre konflikt i mig selv, hvor jeg på den ene side var stolt af at være en outsider og på den anden side desperat længtes efter at deltage i arbejdsmarkedet, men jeg kunne ikke indrømme det til mig selv fordi jeg havde besluttet mig for at være imod arbejdsmarkedet, at jeg var bedre end det at arbejde og mere end det at arbejde

Jeg tilgiver mig selv for at have tilladt og accepteret mig selv at have troet, tænkt og oplevet mig selv som mere-end og bedre-end arbeje og dem der arbejder og arbejdsmarkedet – og at jeg ikke har set eller erkendt for mig selv at jeg i denne her overlegenhed har gemt min faktiske følelse og accept af mig selv i frygt for arbejdsmarkedet og i en frygt for ikke at være god nok for arbejdsmarkedet baseret på min oplevelse af mig selv som jeg har adopteret fra min mor og andre voksne omkring mig, af ikke at være god nok og af at have konstant mistillid til mig selv

Jeg tilgiver mig selv for at have tilladt og accepteret mig selv ikke at stole på mig selv og tro på mig selv og at jeg i stedet har tilladt og accepteret mig at være min egen værste fjende og at jeg har tilladt og accepteret mig selv at sabotere mig selv til det punkt hvor jeg ikke længere kan fungere optimalt – og jeg tilgiver mig selv for at have tilladt og accepteret mig selv at sabotere mig selv med vilje så at jeg kan berettige overfor mig selv at give op på mig selv og ikke skulle se mig selv eller min frygt i øjnene og rent faktisk udfordre min frygt og mig selv og risikere at fejle eller at blive afvist – og at jeg så i stedet for at gå hårdt mod hårdt, har tilladt og accepteret mig selv at give op på mig selv i en forventing om at det alligevel vil gå galt og dermed har saboteret mig selv før at nogen andre kan gøre det i et forskruet forsøg på at kontrollere min verden og mig selv – hvor alt jeg opnår er at jeg ødelægger mig selv i en forventning om at jeg alligevel vil blive ødelagt

Jeg tilgiver mig selv for at jeg ikke har tilladt og accepteret mig selv at se, indse og erkende at grunden til at jeg har saboteret mig selv i alle disse år og på¨alle disse måder i et konstant misbrug og mishandling af mig selv, har været i et forsøg på at foregribe begivenhedernes gang for at kunne kontrollere mig verden og mig selv og min virkelighed – hvor jeg har forventet at alt alligevel er gået galt og dermed har skabt præcis den virkeliged for mig selv som jeg frygtede og fordi jeg selv har gjort det mod mig selv, jeg har oplevet og set mig selv som i kontrol

Jeg tilgiver mig selv for at have tilladt og accepteret mig selv at være så arrogant at tro at jeg kan kontrollere mig selv, min verden og min virkelighed når jeg bare er ét menneske i blandt en hel verden og når jeg ikke engang kender mig selv og min egen krop eller hvordan jeg fungerer

Jeg tilgiver mig selv for at jeg har tilladt og accepteret mig selv ikke at stolet på mig selv til at gå ind til det job interview i selv-tillid og simpelthen være mig selv og ære mig selv som liv

Jeg forpligter mig selv til at stole på mig selv til at gå ind til det job interview i selv-tillid

Jeg forpligter mig til at stoppe med at sabotere mig selv og at stoppe al deltagelse i dette selv-sabotage mønster baseret på frygten for at fejle – fordi jeg ser og indser at jeg har skabt præcis den virkelighed og verden for mig selv som jeg frygtede og derfor er dette mønster fuldstændigt unødvendigt, eftersom at jeg ikke beskytter eller kontroller mig selv eller mit liv men faktisk ødelægger mig selv

Jeg forpligter mig selv til at stå ved og med mig selv og at stoppe denne indre krig mod mig selv –fordi jeg kan se at mit udgangspunkt fra starten har været et forkrøblet forsøg på at beskytte mig selv og på at skabe et liv for mig selv – -men det har været baseret på frygt – alt har været baseret på frygt. Hele mit liv og virke har været baseret på frygt

Jeg forpligter mig til at undersøge og afdække alle de måde og mønstre hvorpå jeg har levet og eksisteret i frygt fordi jeg ser og indser at det hele mit væsen, liv og virke har været baseret på frygt og at jeg endnu ikke engang er klar over hvor meget af det jeg deltager i og alt det lort jeg laver er baseret på frygt hvor jeg begrænser mig selv og mishandler mig selv og ødelægger mig selv – i en total underlæggelse til frygt til det punkt hvor jeg ikke engang ser eller er klar over at alle mine handlinger er baseret på frygt

Tags: frygt for at gå til job samtale, Job interview, job samtale, manglende selv tillid, selv accept, Selv Tillid, tro på mig selv
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