December 5, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post I am going to firstly write out self-corrective statements for practically changing my relationship towards Discipline that I wrote about in the previous post and then I will continue with the other dimensions of the ‘exhilarating defiance’ character that I began writing about on DAY 247, namely here positive backchat
When and as I see that I am reacting within and as a negative energetic experience towards the word Discipline, where I feel trapped and bored – I stop and I breathe and I re-equalize myself here in the physical in my relationship to the word Discipline.
Because I realize that discipline isn’t a positive or negative word, I realize that I’m the one who has charged the word with a negative energy through the association I’ve created to the word and I realize that I’ve created a ‘counter-reaction’ of creating a positive energetic experience towards rebelling against discipline where I feel that I’m ‘freeing’ myself and ‘having fun’ when I react towards discipline. And I realize that these two polarities of reacting positively and negatively towards discipline are interconnected and co-existing in a mutual dependency.
So therefore: I commit myself to stop and let go of the negative energetic relationship I’ve created towards the word Discipline. I commit myself to let go of the negative associations I’ve created towards the word Discipline as being ‘boring’ and ‘trapped/enslaved’ and ‘tedious’. And I commit myself to re-establish a relationship with the word discipline as a practical and physical tool with which I guide myself.
Discipline is thus seeing what needs to be done and doing whatever it takes to manifest that into reality. Discipline is a tool that I can utilize specifically as I walk this process of walking out of the mind, as an educational tool of self-movement where I push myself to change my starting-point from being based on mind-values of emotions, feelings and preferences to common sense self-honesty based on the principle of what is best for all.
Because I see that discipline is only needed as a ‘bridge’ – in the sense that we only need discipline when we’re not yet completely self-moving. And this is not ‘wrong’ – it’s a matter of being realistic about where one is in one’s process of change. And as such I can utilize self-discipline to establish self-movement.
Alright so now I’ve written these self-commitment and corrective statements I’m going to continue with the next dimension of the ‘exhilarating defiance’ character which is the backchat dimension because I already wrote about the fear, desire and thought in the previous blog-post. So basically it is the backchat dimension of what I described in the previous blog post of the positive and negative relationship towards discipline. Because the positive reaction towards discipline is basically what the ‘exhilarating defiance’ character consists of. So now I’ve got it more clearly defined. Here I will be focusing on the positive backchat:
Positive Backchat – supporting the character: “ha-ha, I cheated them.” “I can do what I want” “fuck them, I’ll do what I want” “Yes, I got off the hook!” “I dodged a bullet” “I’m free!” “I don’t have to do it now, I can do it later” “just a little bit longer” “just a little bit more” “just one more time” “one more cannot hurt”
Negative Backchat – supporting the character: “Oh my god, this is so boring” “This is going to be so boring” “This is tedious” “I’m bored” “I have to get out of this” “man I can’t handle it” “I feel trapped” “I wish I was doing this instead” “why do I have to do this” “This is so hard!”
Negative Backchat – in conflict with the character: “Fuck I did it again” “I’m so undisciplined” “get a grip, pull yourself together” “I’m so stupid” “I’m a bad person” “I’m evil” “I’m selfish”
Positive Backchat – in conflict with the character “I have to control myself better” “I have to discipline myself” “I’m not going to do that anymore” “enough!”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good and powerful when I rebel against a point of discipline in my world, especially a task that I am supposed to do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in and accumulate backchat where I amplify and solidify and validate my rebellion against discipline/the task before me where I gloat within my mind that I’ve cheated ‘authority/discipline/the task at hand’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to backchat to myself in my mind where I gloat in a form of ‘pride’ and excitement that “I’ve dodged bullet” and “I’ve got off the hook” where I actively justify and validate rebelling against ‘authority/discipline/the task at hand’ within an as an experience of superiority and ‘winning’ over an ‘external ‘power’ that I perceive as attempting to force me to do something I don’t want to do.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to backchat to myself in my mind where I validate and justify an experience of having ‘freed’ myself from ‘enslavement’ or ‘punishment’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed and allowed myself to backchat to myself in my mind where I procrastinate and postpone doing something that I’m supposed to do and justify procrastinating by manipulating and deceiving myself saying to myself in my mind that: “I can do it later.” “I’ll do it later” “I don’t want to do it now… I’ll rather do this instead…” “Just a little bit longer/a little bit more.”
When and as I have a task at hand that I require doing and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to trigger backchat of justifying not doing what I’m supposed to do – I stop myself and I breathe and I re-stabilize myself here and I push myself to simply do what needs to be done. I commit myself to stop the backchat. And I commit myself to stop the polarity that I’ve created towards discipline and authority and things that have to be done as something negative and the ‘getting out of it’ as being something positive.
When and as I have a task to do and I haven’t done it and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to go into a positive energetic experience of feeling like I’ve escaped and that I’m free and that I’ve dodged a bullet I immediately stop myself and I go do the task I’m supposed to do. Because I realize that this positive experience is a polarity of the negative association I’ve created towards discipline and authority and that I’m not actually getting out of anything or freeing myself because it’s a direct polarized experience. Therefore I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to participate in this cycle of negative and positive experiences and to educate myself to use discipline as a practical tool.
More to come…
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