May 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post I am continuing to look at my relationship towards/with the dimension of negativity/being negative that is refusal and resistance. As I mentioned in the previous blog-post I’ve seen how the refusal is the acting out of resistance, like when one refuses one is already at the point of justifying and validating one’s resistance, not seeing, realizing or understanding where the resistance is coming from or why it is created. Why is it for example that we resist the things that are good for us? The things in life through which we know that we can expand ourselves?
“A solid decision is like an anchor that keeps one stable in the physical, moving practically, breath by breath, in alignment to/with the responsibilities that are required to be walked within this – until it is done.” – Lindsay Craver
This is in continuation to:
- Where Does Following Your Heart As a Compass Lead You? DAY 205
- Embracing the Unknown: DAY 204
- Saying NO to Feel in Control of Consequence: DAY 203
- Filling Gaps by Digging Holes – My Relationship with Myself as Negativity: DAY 203
- Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202
- Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201
- Positivity: DAY 200
Resistance is nothing but a mechanism. It doesn’t hold any profoundness and one is locked into resistance through the submission to energetic experiences as directives.
First of all, I know that the way through resistance is to DO IT ANYWAY. I’ve found this extremely supportive in the past – to for example apply the notion of doing that which I resist the most. Sometimes I’ve experimented with, throughout my day, to do that which I resist the most first and then continue as such until I reach the things that I most want to do last. This is cool. However I see that I still exist within the very point of justifying my resistance. I see how this is do to two things: one is as I mentioned the submission to energetic experiences. It is quite convenient really because one is in fact blaming the energetic experiences or holding them responsible for one not doing something. We all know the backchat of “I don’t feel like it.” Or “I’m too tired” or “I just doesn’t feel right.” I touched upon this in my last post. However the other dimension of the justification of resistance that I see, is the fact that one is existing within a conflict in oneself. Because have a look: If you know that something is in fact good for you and you then resist doing it, what does that say about you? And here I am not talking about things that society dictates is good for us, because often such things aren’t necessarily good. No – I am talking about real things, like transcending things we fear, expanding ourselves, pushing through, working with something tedious that only gives results in the end. I’ve also talked about how I see the origin of these patterns in my childhood. There weren’t expected much of me, I could pretty much do as I pleased and I was even schooled into honoring my emotions as directives. However I also see that I can’t simply blame my mother, my society, my childhood for the person that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I am not sure if there are any profound reasons as to why one would deliberately resist doing something that one knows to be good for oneself. I’ve lived this pattern for so long that it feels kind of natural to live it out.
So let me try to answer it here:
I resist doing things that I know are good for me because I am too lazy to change.
I resist doing things that I know are good for me because I don’t like myself and because I want to punish myself and because I exist in conflict with myself.
I resist doing things that I know are good for me because of memories where I’ve associated that which is ‘good for me’ with the words ‘boring’, ‘dull’ and ‘enslaving’.
We resist doing that which is good for us, because we’ve grown up in a system where the things that are ‘good for us’ according to our parents are things we have a negative association to. An example is the child that is forced to drink cod liver oil and is told that “It’s good for you” while feeling like it wants to vomit. I remember this in fact – I didn’t understand how something that tasted that horrible could be good for me. I came to develop an innate longing and desire for always ‘breaking out of the box’ to the point of nearly refusing anything and everything that could be defined as good for me. It is kind of how ‘resistance’ exists at a societal level as ‘rebel’ groups that fight against the system tooth and nail, never realizing that they’re part of that very same system. And from a certain perspective it makes sense. The problem is that resisting something isn’t the same as directing it to change. In fact when we resist something we tie ourselves to that point, leaving it to be sorted out later or by someone else, while we go and pretend to be breaking free. I see how this is a key component in why and how I’ve justified resistance and refusal within myself.
Then there’s the laziness. This has to do with growing up in a society that holds instant gratification sacred. I virtually never learned to wait and I learned that I should do what feels good now. As a consequence I made my real potential wait for me, while I laid back in the hammock of my mind.
So what I see is required to change this pattern, is the development of inner ‘parental guidance’. Practically speaking this means applying that which I see, realize and understand in self-honesty is common sense.
I for example understand that oversleeping is due to suppression in my mind which is one of the many patterns the mind utilizes to remain dominant in the direction of me – or of the life force of and as me. I understand that the resistance I feel and experience to get up in the morning, is merely an energetic experience. If I have rested properly, there is certainly no real biological reason for me not getting up. I also understand that if I allow myself to participate in this pattern, I am actively sabotaging myself. Because I am actually making the decision to follow the mind’s agenda (which is always only it’s own survival) and consecutively NOT making the decision to change my directive living-agenda to an agenda of supporting myself to expand myself, of opening up the things I’ve suppressed so that I can release them and correct them in my life. I am then also actively making the decision to be a useless human being (to some extent or another) because I am literally wasting myself, my life, my time with sleeping when I don’t need to. As such what is required is the decision and the direction of me to change this pattern. What is also required is the understanding and patience that some patterns take time and effort to change. As such it is a fundamental change of the human nature that I’ve accepted myself as: as a lazy, self-interested, cowardice human being whose driving force in life is being high jacked by energetic experiences and desires for instant gratification through the consumerism system. I also understand that the possible reward of transcending this pattern is that I can decide when to wake up – and get up! I won’t be stressed, frustrated, irritated or angry with myself. Why? Because I am doing that which I know to be best for me. I can wake up clear, decisive, directive and grounded because I have made a decision for how I will live my life, how I will exist in relation to rest and sleep. I no longer abuse myself because of my allegiance with the mind – where I’m using the mind’s mechanics to avoid facing myself.
So this is what I find to be the final foundation of resistance specifically in how I exist within resistance today: it is about the decision to no longer be run by the mind, to no longer endorse the mind’s agenda as my own, to no longer use the mind as a scapegoat and as a justification for not facing myself.
It is really as simple as that. Stopping resistance is an integral part of stopping the mind – because resistance is like an invisible wall between who we are within the limits of our mind and our potential of what we can be and become.
So in the next post I will continue with self-forgiveness specifically on the justification of resistance manifested into and as refusal specifically of doing things that I know are good for me.
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