From Feeling Intimidated by, to Exploring Another’s Expression. DAY 310

August 3, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

is someone looking up to you   by nehpets From Feeling Intimidated by, to Exploring Anothers Expression. DAY 310In this post I am continuing with the point of feeling intimidated by another’s expression and effectiveness and I will in this post share self-forgiveness as well as begin the process of changing my relationship to the words determination, discipline, focus and consistency in relation to seeing my partner living these words effectively. What I decided to as a first step in terms of practically correcting this point, was to interview my partner about how he lives the words ‘determination’, ‘discipline’, ‘consistency’ and ‘focus’ and I found it to be a cool practical application. So when you see someone living a word or an expression effectively in a way that you’d like to learn, you can ask them if you can interview them and then write down questions about this expression or application that you are curious about or that you’ve found yourself struggling with that they might have interesting perspectives on. Through interviewing the other person, it becomes more of a ‘scientific’ or exploring process in terms of understanding how a certain expression is practically lived rather than being something that is taken personally as something that some people ‘have’ or ‘don’t have’.I suggest reading the first post for context on what I’ll be walking here.

Feeling Intimidated by Another’s Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to admire my partner and to be impressed with him and how effectively I see him living the words determination, consistency and discipline and focus – and instead of utilizing that as an example for myself that I can apply in my own living, have become intimidated by my partner’s effectiveness and started comparing myself to my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to slowly but surely over time, through participating in backchat, belief, ideas and reactions towards seeing my partner as effective, have gone from simply seeing his effectiveness to feeling intimidated by it and compare myself to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated by my partner’s effectiveness when it comes to what I’ve seen as him effectively living and expressing the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become intimidated within seeing my partner as being very effective, as though he is the very embodiment of perfection when it comes to living the words determination, consistency and discipline and focus.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare my own effectiveness/ineffectiveness within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency to my partner through looking first at him and then at myself – and within this react and experience myself as inferior to my partner and my partner as superior to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, the more I saw my partner as effective, the more I compared myself to him, the more I widened this gap of comparison in my mind, where I saw him as more and more effective and superior and myself as more and more ineffective and inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my partner’s effectiveness within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and see it as nearly perfect, as the epitome and embodiment of what it means to live those words and within comparing myself to that perfection that I saw in my partner, think and believe that this is how you live focus, discipline, determination and consistency, that if I were to live those words, this is THE way to live them and therefore, for me to also become effective, I have to be exactly as my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that for me to become effective within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency, I must live and express these words exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an equation in my mind where, through seeing myself as inferior to my partner and through seeing my partner as superior because of how effectively he lives the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – for me to become equal to my partner and no longer be/experience myself as inferior, I have to become and live the words exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency exactly in the same way my partner does, in order to equalize and balance out the inequality and the gap that I’ve created between us in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and to become frustrated with myself when seeing that I find it very difficult, if not impossible for me to live and express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and judge myself and feel ashamed and useless because I find myself unable to live and express myself effectively in the exact same way my partner expresses himself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and define and accept myself as inferior to my partner because I am not able to live or express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency as effectively or in the same way that I see him doing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself as being lazy, unorganized, unfocused, inconsistent and ineffective when I look at myself in comparison to my partner in relation to how we live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed and apathetic within thinking and believing that I can never become as effective as my partner at living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for explanations as justifications and excuses outside of myself as to why I am unable to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency as effectively as my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother and my upbringing in general for me not having integrated or learned to effectively live the word focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to diminish my partner’s effectiveness in my mind in an attempt to equalize myself to my partner in my mind, where I think that he is only so effective because that’s what he’s been taught growing up and as such that there’s an unfairness to why he’s so disciplined, determined, focused and consistent, where I experience myself as a victim of circumstances and thus give myself permission and justification to abdicate responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there’s something fundamentally wrong or flawed with me, that I in who I am, am simply not good enough, since I cannot live up to my partner’s effectiveness in living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and as such because of this, have accepted and allowed myself to give completely up on myself and developing these words in and as an expression of myself because I’ve justified my ineffectiveness as a permanent part of ‘who I am’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify giving up on myself in terms of developing and integrating the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency effectively into myself, my life and my living through defining myself as fundamentally ineffective and my partner as fundamentally effective as though ‘who’ my partner and I are in relation to the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency are inexorably determined

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as standing in my partner’s shadow when it comes to living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – where I feel like my partner is SO effective that I cannot possible live up to that and thereby accept and allow myself to justify giving up on myself and simply accept that my partner is the one who is able to live these words and not me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame, resent and resist his partner within and as thinking and believing that his effectiveness is overshadowing, blocking and inhibiting my potential to live and express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – within thinking and believing that if I cannot be exactly as my partner, then I cannot live these words at all and should just leave it to my partner and give up on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and deceive myself into believing that it is a good solution to let my partner live and represent the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and then I can lean on him and let him take the lead whereas I can lead in other areas of our lives and as such use this to justify to myself the deception that I don’t have to live these words, because my partner can live them for both of us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency on and towards my partner where I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent, apathetic and dependent in accepting my partner as the one that has the responsibility to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and thus that I don’t have to and that I can’t live these words, thus making my application even more ineffective as well as compromising my communication and practical living with my partner as well as my own life and process

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider or realize that because my expression is different from and unique to my partner’s and because I’ve had entirely different experiences growing up, that me living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency will and cannot be exactly the same as how my partner live them and so because I thought that I could only live them in the way he did, I gave up on myself instead of actually investigate these words for myself and how I can live and express myself through/as them independently of how my partner or anyone else lives or expresses these words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because discipline for example has not been a very big part of my life, my experience or my application throughout my life, that this word and the living application of this word is then closed off to me, instead of giving myself the opportunity to unconditionally explore and investigate what it would mean for me to live this word in, through and for myself – and for example within this, learn from my partner and others whom I see are effectively living the word discipline

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no words, expressions or living applications are closed off to me, as though it is only some people who can live or express them, or that if you haven’t had experience with a word or an expression growing up, then it is simply too late and you’ll have to accept your limited expression and application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and to not realize and challenge how extensively I’ve limited myself – to a certain set of skills, applications and expressions, where I never actually took the opportunity to learn from others but instead saw there expressions as intimidating and exclusive, where the more effective they were, the less I believed that I too could be effective – when in fact, someone being very effective within a certain application or expression ought to be seen as a gift and an opportunity to expand – and not as something that limits me even further into not expanding myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity and the gift to unconditionally learn from my partner and his expression of focus, discipline, determination and consistency and that I have instead denied myself the opportunity to expand and support myself within and through these words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my own self-imposed and circumstantial limitation a comfort zone where I accepted and justified that I didn’t have to push myself or take responsibility for myself because I accepted myself as fundamentally flawed – and so for example in relation to discipline saw it as an ‘easy way’ out of not really giving things my all or pushing myself to the utmost and therefore could slack

Preparing the way before me.

Something that I have found interesting but also somewhat concerning is how I have previously written a lot about for example the words discipline, determination and focus and yet it is not something that I have changed on a fundamental level within and as myself, my process and my life – which is obviously also why I would react to my partner’s effectiveness within and as living these words. I’ve also talked to my partner previously for example about discipline and have asked him how he lives this word, but it was rather casual and I see how when I was asking him I was still in the experience of inferiority towards him where I had basically already given up on myself in relation to effectively living the word. So what I have done this time, is to first of all realize that this is not about my partner or how he lives the word discipline for example. It is about me and how I live the word discipline. This does however not mean that I can’t learn from my partner. So when I was looking at how to apply a practical correction for myself, I decided to interview my partner on his relationship to the words discipline, determination, focus and consistency. This practical application simply opened up in a moment so I will be walking the investigating and correction process simultaneously as I share in these blog-posts.

I can definitely recommend that if you see something in another that you’d like to develop for yourself, to ask them if you can interview them. This is how I did it: At first I asked my partner if I could interview him about discipline while we were driving the other day. But instead of coming from a starting-point of inferiority and within that also an insincere ‘decision’ to change, I decided to be directively inquisitive and really get to understand exactly how my partner lives the word discipline. Because you know, when we see something in another that we’d like to live for ourselves, we tend to only see the result of a process of application – which is also why we’d conclude that “they’re like that and I am not”. So I decided to go about it very concretely and practically, where I asked my partner questions in relation to discipline:

“What is discipline to you?”

“How do you live discipline?”

“How would you define discipline?”

“In which situations do you find it supportive to apply discipline within yourself?”

“Is it something you do actively or is it automated?”

“Have you always been this disciplined or have you practiced it?”

“If you have practiced it, how did you practice it?”

“Can you share an example?”

So through asking my partner all these questions that naturally came up within a moment, I got to understand not only how he lives the word discipline – that it is not simply ‘who he is’ or ‘all he is’ but in fact a specific practical application that he utilizes in his life – but I also got some practical tips for how I can apply discipline within my own life. So what my partner for example said was that discipline to him basically is “doing something even though you don’t want to do it.” When I asked him how he applies discipline he said that he reminds himself of how the long-term benefits of what he’s doing far outweighs the immediate costs. He also explained how this is quite natural for him and thus no longer is something that he actively has to think about or remind himself, he simply knows that it is cool and self-supportive to rather do what needs to get done even though he might prefer doing something else. He also explained to me how he knows that he’ll be grateful if he does it and that if he doesn’t he’ll have this point hanging over his head that he knows he should be doing.

Later that day I interviewed my partner about this relationship to the word determination and this time we sat down and I wrote down his answers as we were speaking. I found that this worked much more effectively and I definitely see how this is a cool way that one can communicate with someone who one sees is living a specific word in an effective way. Through interviewing my partner I make the process of investigating how he is living a word, both something practical but it is also a bit like doing scientific research where one is digging into the details and specificity of how a particular word is lived and expressed.

This is what my partner said about determination:

How do you live the word Determination?

I live it through making a decision that “This is what I want to do” then I look at what I have to do to get there. Then I begin doing that. The reason why I’m so determined is because I feel like it’s a personal investment where I made a commitment I made to myself, so then its like I am failing myself if I don’t walk the decision

How do you stay determined?

It’s because the decision I made is still the one I made. I have it in my awareness at all times, so I don’t think about.

How do you change non-determination to determination?

Then it’s because I have not made a decision yet, the point has not yet become me, it’s subject to energy, motivation/de-motivation.

So how do you change that?

Then I make a decision for myself. I look at: what is it that I want to do? How? When? I also look at how I can make myself more and more determined. It’s a passion for self-expansion. It’s fun to become better at things.

Something that I noticed as I was looking at the word determination together with my partner was that his relationship to the word is still to some extent contingent upon energy, hence the ‘feeling’ he is describing of making a personal investment. This was interesting because before I interviewed my partner I had as I mentioned in the previous post more seen him as being ‘perfect’ or ‘complete’ in relation to how he lives the word determination, but now I realized that there is a lot more to living a word than the ‘result’ that I see. It is not that it is ‘bad’ that my partner to some extent has an energetic motivation within living the word determination, but as we were talking about it, we also discussed how this is something that he can correct within his relationship to the word. We also discussed how, initially one might have to work with the mind, especially if one has not yet lived a word effectively, within for example making an agreement with oneself in the mind that “We do this now and then we can relax” for example. But this is obviously not the ‘end goal’ in terms of how to live determination. So what I realized is that we tend to see other people – especially when we feel inferior to them, as these ‘complete’ and ‘perfect’ human beings, when in fact they are not; we’re merely seeing them through our polarized ‘lenses’ where every thing looks extreme. It’s the same when one feels inferior, because it is like it’s one’s entire beingness and existence that is the problem, when often it is simply a particular application that require alignment.

Something else I noticed as I interviewed my partner is how, once a word is lived effectively, one literally become the embodiment of the word – meaning that one’s living of the word is direct and immediate, i.e. that there is no thought process and no ‘initiation’ process involved, where one for example has to use thoughts to motivate oneself. Something that I liked that my partner said about determination is how it is something that he has in his awareness as a decision that he’s already made where the actual movement/living of the decision is moving on the momentum of the decision. This also means that there’s no struggle, no question, no uncertainty – you simply walk the decision that you’ve made. Something else that was cool was that my partner used my relationship with our cats as an example, and within that he showed me an example of how I already live the word determination in a way that was contextual. This was very cool because this way I could relate what he was saying back to myself and see the ‘mechanism’ he was talking about within myself. He explained how I for example have the cats in my awareness at all times, but that it is not something that I have to think about. My application in relation to the cats is therefore effortless as the decision to take care of them in the best way possible is already made; so giving them food, taking them in or out or keeping an eye on them is something that I simply do.

After I had interviewed my partner I noticed that I wanted to go and write my blog and how this ‘movement’ towards taking care of my responsibilities came up within me in a different way than I have experienced before. I found that quite interesting and I have seen before how, simply by starting to open up information about a particular point or pattern, one sometimes already starts changing it, simply through becoming aware of it.

What I realized mostly from interviewing my partner is that living the words ‘discipline’ and ‘determination’ for example has to do with living principled instead of based on preferences. In a way it is like going against one’s ‘nature’ or that which one is used to, that which ‘feels good’ – and I see how this initially might be based on either a pragmatic reminder to oneself or even a deliberate and directive process of self-manipulation based on understanding how the mind works and operates. In the next post I will discuss more about how I practically am going to implement and live these words and I will also interview my partner on how he lives the words ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’.

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