July 18, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life
I am here continuing with investigating suppression and how I’ve used suppressions as a coping/escape/denial/avoidance mechanism in my life through specific thoughts/backchats/statements that I’ve used to justify and manipulate myself into suppressing what comes up/exists within and as me.
Read part 1: Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt.1 – DAY 304
Self-Forgiveness & Self-Corrective Statements
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that “If I just ignore it, it will go away” when I see an emotion/reaction or experience within myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through deliberately speaking the words “If I just ignore it, it will go away” inside my mind and thereby deceive myself into believing that if I ignore something, it will go away – not considering or self-honestly admitting to myself that nothing simply ‘goes away’ as whatever reaction/emotion/experience that I am accepting and allowing within and as myself already exists within me, and so with ‘ignoring’ it I am manipulating myself to push it away into myself – instead of actually dealing with it directly, facing it immediately which is the only way to stop or change something that I’ve accepted within myself – through self-responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into equating ’ignoring’ something with ’not participating’ in it – when those are actually two completely different applications, as there within deciding not to participate is an understanding and recognition of what I’m accepting and allowing, where I support myself to stop participating through seeing that its not valid, whereas when I merely ’ignore’ something, I’m abdicating self-responsibility for that point and for myself within/as it, I’m pretending that it is not there – which is in no way the same as not participating. In fact, I’m still participating but within suppression. I also realize how I, when I ignore something, I’m making myself less than that point/experience abdicating responsibility for ‘it’ to ‘go away’ when in fact I’m the one who decides what I accept and allow within/as me and what not.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the words “If I just ignore it, it will go away” as an excuse and justification for not facing/directing and taking responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as me
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to mentally push a point ‘away’ (into myself) and/or when I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in and accept the words within me: “If I just ignore it, it will go away.” I realize that I’ve been deliberately manipulating and sabotaging myself through accepting myself to believe that these words are real, valid and justified and I realize that nothing has ever ‘gone away’ by me ignoring it. I commit myself to let go of the belief that I can ignore something to make it go away. I commit myself to take responsibility for what comes up within me as what I have accepted and allowed to exist within/as me through immediately and directly facing myself in the moment and through directing what comes up within me – whether it is through forgiving it, making a directive decision to not participate or whether it is speaking to someone about it or sitting down and writing it out
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into an experience of inferiority and weakness towards what comes up in my mind as reactions/experiences that I validate and justify for myself as real through speaking the words/thoughts within my mind of “I can’t deal with this” and “I’m too weak/vulnerable to deal with this”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that when something comes up in/through the mind that I find challenging or difficult that “I can’t deal with this” and “I’m too weak/vulnerable to deal with this” – when in fact: when something comes up in/through the mind it means that I have already accepted and allowed it to exist within and as me and so when I speak those words of justification to not have to look at what comes up I’m making myself less than and inferior to what comes up to deliberately manipulate myself to not have to take self-responsibility
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to react within an experience of fear and inferiority to what comes up in my mind, I stop – I breathe and I remind myself that whatever comes up/exists within me is my responsibility and creation, which means that I have the ability to face and direct myself in and as it. I realize that I’ve used weakness as an excuse and self-manipulation as a justification for not facing myself believing that I can’t handle what exists within me – when that is in fact bullshit, because I was ‘handling’ it (albeit on an unconscious/physical level) while I wasn’t aware of it. I commit myself to stop seeing myself as weak and inferior to what comes up/exists within me and I commit myself to stand equal to what comes up/exists within me in self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use time as the most prominent excuse and justification for suppressing a point/experience/reaction that comes up within me, where I make the statement of justification within myself that “I can’t deal with this right now”, “I don’t have time to deal with this right now” and “There are more important things right now than dealing with this” and “I’ll deal with it later”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that time is per definition always a valid excuse and justification to not face points or direct them immediately
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately lie to myself and tell myself that it is okay if I don’t direct a point/experience, because if I were to do that it would disrupt my ‘work flow’ or that it simply isn’t practically possible for me to stop what I’m doing and direct the point – when this is in fact an outright lie, because all it takes to direct a point is a quantum moment of self-awareness where I recognize what comes up within me in self-honestly and immediately give it direction through breathing, through speaking self-forgiveness within myself and through stopping participation within and as it – whereas: when I suppress myself I postpone the point to be dealt with at a later time, BUT I don’t keep it in my awareness or I keep pushing it down creating consequences that I’m not even consciously aware of and where reactions for example accumulate until I go into a full-blown mind-possession
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat of using time as an excuse for not deal with/direct/face a point within me – I stop – I breathe and I immediately direct the point within practicality according to the moment. I realize that directing/facing points doesn’t have to disrupt my routine/work-flow or that I necessarily have to now let go of everything and sit down and write for several hours. I realize that I can direct points in a quantum moment through being direct and self-honest. I realize that it is very few moments where I practically can’t direct points and even then, it doesn’t mean that it is valid to suppress them. I realize that most of the time where I’ve used time as an excuse, I do in fact NOT ‘come back to the point later’ because obviously that was never my intention, even though that was what I told myself. Because, otherwise I would have actually come back to the point later. I commit myself to stop using time as an excuse to not face/deal with/direct what comes up within me. I commit myself to continue working with and practicing the application of directing points immediately until this becomes a natural expression of myself – instead of suppression being my default-response.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what comes up within me as memories/thought/reactions/experiences by deliberately splitting myself in my mind where I see what comes up as separate from me, as a ‘part’ of me that’s not really me, like it exist within me – but I’m not responsible for it and so within that make the excuse and justification that “I don’t want to deal with this“ as though I have an actual choice and as though whatever comes up, is not my responsibility
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not wanting to deal with what comes up in/through my mind is the same or equal to not wanting to deal with a mess in my house or the dishes for example, where I’d pretend that it is not my problem causing consequences for myself and others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself that it is ‘okay’ if I don’t want to deal with something because when I suppress it, it ‘magically disappears’ when that is in fact not the case – as me not dealing with something inside of myself, means that I’m leaving it to the mind to take care of, leaving it to ‘take care of it self’ – which exactly like the dishes won’t just disappear no matter how hard I ignore it – as well as not knowing what will happens in the depths of my mind/physical/being relationship that I don’t yet have access to or direction of in awareness, which basically means that I’m accepting and allowing myself to be a ‘ticking time-bomb’ because I have abdicated direction, awareness and responsibility for what comes up/exists within me
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the thought “I don’t want to deal with this” I stop – I breathe and I remind myself that I don’t have a choice because what comes up/exists within me is my responsibility and if I don’t face/direct/deal with what comes up/exists within me, then I am abdicating my responsibility and my self-directive principle to the mind which can and will create consequences. I commit myself to stop separating myself from what comes up/exists within me and I commit myself to take responsibility for directing/facing/dealing with what comes up/exists within me.
To be continued…
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