July 8, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life
A month ago my partner left to work in a different part of the country for two months. I was quite fine with it having no trouble being home alone and was rather enjoying the solitude. But the day after my partner left I came down with the flu and throughout the month I’ve been experiencing both insomnia and a lack of appetite, something that is quite unusual for me.
What I have come to see being the reason for this drastic change with the assistance of friend is that I’ve created a dependency towards my partner specifically within the context of associating him with the words ‘financial stability’, ‘safety’ and ‘security’. What I’ve come to see is that I have suppressed a fear within me towards losing the ‘financial stability’, ‘safety’ and ‘security’ that I have come to associate with my partner, triggered by him leaving.
So I will here be opening this point up for myself and fascinatingly enough I’ve also come to see how I have resisted facing this point in part because I was judging myself and being ashamed of my positive reactions towards having a achieved a level of financial security as I was seeing it as selfish and superficial and partly because I (subconsciously) believed that if I were to face the fear, I would have to be willing to give up this financial security – or at least my positive experiences towards.
This blog is in continuation to the following blog-posts:
- AMBITION. DAY 300
- Woman, Know Your Worth and Change the World. DAY 299
- Putting on my Big Girl Pants. DAY 296
- Decisions That Are Not Made. DAY 293
- Daring to Stand Alone. DAY 292
- Becoming the Designated Driver of Myself. DAY 291
- Living Word The Word Determination: DAY 285
- Decisions and the Diving bell of Suppression: DAY 280
- From Powerless to Self-Empowered: DAY 278
- Making Your Work Your Passion: DAY 273
To explain how this mind-process unfolded, let me give some background as to where I was coming from:
My childhood was highly unstable in many respects. When I was 5 years old my mother and I got kicked out of our apartment. When we got kicked out of the apartment and for a moment had no place to live, I see that I in a way suffered a trauma. It was the trauma of realizing that the world is not safe, that my mother is not a source of stability and that we were in a vulnerable position in the world. My life had been highly unsafe up until that point, but it was not something that had faced me as much as the shock of suddenly being without a home. The predominant reason for my reaction was also the shock and despair that my mother went into. We have always struggled with money. I grew up in a mix between a working class/farmer and an academic family but there’s never really been much money.
Within investigating this entire point I can see how the overall theme in my childhood experience was an undercurrent of instability, uncertainty, and unsafety, but until now I’ve never linked it to our financial situation. But an example of how money played a major role in creating an unsafe and unstable environment was the fact that my mother felt necessitated to work at night because she could make more money through that, resulting in me being left in the care of people who were not too keen on taking care of me, thus resulting in conflicts and I inverted onto myself. If I look at all the symbolism involved as something that steered me from beneath the surface, there’s also the fact that there was no male role model in my life and I can see how I already then (also based on indoctrination through fairytales such as Cinderella and Disney movies that I’ve written about previously) came to associate the absence of a male figure in my life with the financial insecurity we experienced.
hroughout my childhood I had a distinct experience of my mother as being ‘out of control’ and in no way as someone who represented a point of stability in my life. It felt as though she was perpetually drowning in the world system and to me the experience of unsafety and insecurity was heightened by the fact that I subconsciously believed that a parent is supposed to be a stability point in the life of a child. What I didn’t understand was that my mother was in many ways exemplifying and thus showing me the actual reality of what’s going on in this world; meaning that she was so unstable and my life was so unstable, that there was no faking that “we’ve got it all under control” – as other parents may have been able to, thus perhaps perpetuating a false sense of security in a child. I can actually see how, in many ways, this instability has supported me to, in some respects be fearless – especially when it comes to challenging my own belief-systems and worldviews. I thoroughly enjoy – although it may be scary and I may resist it at first – when the world within my mind as a mental construct, breaks down and I have to reassess everything I thought I knew was real. So I have never had a desire to go back or to associate myself with the culture I grew up in (except for some specific constructs regarding politics and health) and instead always wanted to move forward. So when I grew up I was deliberately seeking out males who came from more financially stable families.
Many of my long-term relationships have exactly been with males from what I considered to be ‘good stable families’. It has been males who had ‘a future’ in the sense that they were academically ambitious. I have also a couple of times in my life been with males who came from quite wealthy families and it was something that I subconsciously was very excited about. But consciously I’ve always denied this to myself – because I grew up in a distinct left wing, socialist, working-class culture where money was seen as the root of all evil. But what I saw – and subconsciously reacted towards were people being exhausted, their bodies torn, with no future or any form of ‘advancement’ in sight, because they focuses more on fighting the current system and attempting to establish a minimum of ‘happiness’ within their working class lives. Growing up I celebrated that culture, I completely identified with it, I saw us as ‘the little man’ who were outside the system, I was proud of the legacy I was a part of. But the other side of that coin was that I was shit scared to end up in a mundane boring life in a 9-5 job and not making anything of my life or myself. And I secretly admired and desired the life ‘on the other side of the tracks’, where money was abundant, where ambitions pushed people to excel in the world system, where there was power and financial security. The only way ’out’ of the life that I subconsciously understood that I was destined to live, was to me consciously an ’ascension’ process through spirituality where I literally tried to detach myself from myself and subconsciously through finding a man with money who could elevate my life to a different dimension; fascinatingly enough: two very similar paths. I never ever believed that I could make something of my life in this world independently. I would fantasize about it, but I didn’t actually believe I could do it.
The relationship/agreement that I am in now in many ways fulfilling all of these subconscious desires I’ve had growing up. My partner does not come from a rich family, but it is still quite different from the conditions I grew up in. His family has embraced me unconditionally which is also something that I’ve never experienced before. My partner is also busy taking an education that potentially can place us in quite an ‘advanced’ position in society, both financially and in relation to status in the system. So I have been secretively fantasizing about how this life will unfold and I have had very strong positive experiences when projecting myself into the future and seeing what is possible. But this has been solely based on the position that my partner is in where I have seen myself more as a ‘burden’ that is dragged along for the ride out of luck on my part, as though I’ve randomly won the lottery. I have been ashamed and have judged myself for these fantasies and these positive experiences and I have resisted letting them go or even confronting them within myself, because I had finally gotten what I had dreamt of my entire life and even in a scale potentially bigger than what I could have ever hoped for. So it’s like one of these situations where things in a way are ‘too good to be true’ where you’d fear losing it at any point, because it feels like its ‘too good’. The other side of that is also that I’ve felt undeserving of it/him, because I’ve exactly seen myself as belonging to a lower class. I haven’t realized or considered that by letting my fear of losing the stability and the desire towards optimizing my life go, doesn’t mean that I have to lose the actual stability. It simply means that I have to redefine it for myself in a practical way where I stand one and equal to/with it unconditionally, without it being something that I’m attached to or dependent on.
So looking at the basic context of the point as it has unfolded, my partner to me represents financial stability – and through that: security, safety, comfortability, happiness and a safe place. I feared losing it. I feared going back to how it was before. I see my home now being bright and stable and calm and nurturing. How I can buy things that I want, advance in life, becoming successful, being seen as someone who matters, being included into a family. Just buying stuff in general as a privilege. I also see how I from this life can expand even further, because there’s now a platform of stability to do that from. Before, I saw and experienced my life as unsafe, insecure, instable, uncertain, never rooted, never belonging, never expanding beyond limitations.
I have previously walked a self-forgiveness process on several dimensions of this entire construct, so I will here specifically focus on the ones that I have not brought to the surface until now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately resist and refuse to confront myself with my fear of losing the financial stability, safety and security that I’ve attached to my partner and thus to our relationship, because I believed that facing this fear, I would risk losing what I want to hold onto, partly because I know that my experience is not real and I did not want to admit that to myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and be ashamed of my desire to have and hold onto a financially stable and abundant life through my partner’s position in society and within that the desire to be able to buy what I want – because I saw it as superficial and selfish and in alignment with a consumer-capitalist stance that I’ve been antagonistic towards my entire life, due to being brought up in a culture that hated consumer capitalism
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve used self-judgment and shame as a deliberate self-manipulation and defense mechanism to suppress my desire for having money and status/power/security in the system – so that I could hold onto it in secret and not risk losing/letting it go
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse, resist and avoid facing my desire to have money and status/power/security in the system, because I didn’t want to let it go, because I had finally gotten what I have always secretly wanted and I knew in self-honesty that my desire was not self-honest but in fact self-interested and I used self-judgment to further obscure and obstruct my own self-honesty by judging myself for this desire in alignment with the political doctrine I grew up with, instead of understanding the creation of this desire both from a personal-psychological perspective and from an inter-personal global perspective of social and economic hierarchies
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider or investigate my desire for money/security/safety/stability/power/status within the context of understand how the mind works and operates, both on a conscious, subconscious and unconscious level – because I would have for example within that seen and realized that an aspect of why I created this desire and why and how it was so energetically charged within me with a positive energy, was because I grew up in a culture that had extreme negative energetic reactions towards people in power or people with money, thus one aspect of why and how I created this desire, is simply the principle of how polarities work and operate where the negative has to be balanced with a positive. Another explanation is how there in the global unconscious collective of humanity – like the symbolisms we’ve funded our social structures upon, is a ‘natural’ competition where those who are standing as socio-economic ‘losers’ in society will desire and strive towards becoming ‘winners’ – meaning also that that ‘winner’ position of status/power/safety/stability and security is recognized and accepted as real and valid and thus relevant to strive towards.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how there’s in essence nothing wrong with me wanting to have a financially stable life and to be able to empower and expand myself with an ambition to advance beyond the conditions that I was born into – because it is certainly unnatural and unacceptable to be struggling to survive, to constantly worry about not having enough money, to not be safe or stable within one’s position in society, to be limited to conditions where one has to live just to survive without ever being able to empower or expand oneself and to not have access to the abundance of resources that are available on this planet or a joy and exploration of life — but what is also unacceptable, delusional, illusory and self-interested, and this is what I refused to admit to myself is the desire to spend money just to spend money, the desire to consume without accountability, the desire to be in a position of power, security and status over others due to having more money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into and endorse the illusion of having power over life through money and thereby stability, security and happiness – and as such within that having also confirmed and accepted my own position and condition in society of not having access to power over life through money and thereby stability, security and happiness – as valid, real and unchangeable
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize and admit to myself, that by accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as and to accept the desire within me to have power over life through money – especially when this through my perception – became a real possibility for me – have equally accepted the disempowered and limited conditions that I grew up on and that billions of people are conditioned to, as an acceptable ‘casualty’, as the statement “hey well, that’s just the rule of the game. If you lose, you lose, but don’t’ get in the way of those who’re winning.” I realize how I have accepted this dichotomy between power and disempowerment my entire life – because I accepted myself as part of a culture without money and even prided myself of that as though it made me a better person – hence having subjected myself to the social engineering of being happy being a wage-slave, but where it wasn’t until I saw the possibility of me shifting to ‘the other side’ that I began to subconsciously accept this construct even more, whereas before there was always the secret desire to overthrow and take the power
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I have finally ended up in a position of having the possibility to cross ‘sides’ into what I have defined as the powerful, superior, safe, secure, stable, happy, prestigious living conditions, fear losing it – specifically through having attached these virtues to my partner based on the fact that it is through him that all of this is made possible (at least in my mind) and because of the symbolism that I’ve attached to males as powerful/ambitious/financially stable and females as inferior and disempowered and unsafe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can embrace, enjoy and expand myself within and as the possibility of a new life that I have gotten access to through being with my partner and within that utilize this new opportunity to actually create myself as someone who can make a difference in the world and change the current power structures to create a life where money does not determine a person’s value or opportunities in life – but that this also implies letting go of my brainwashed and preconditioned desire to have power over life, to consume just to consume – because I understand now that it is not real – it’s an illusion, because otherwise I am still playing the game and accepting its premise of ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ as valid, which includes my own limited conditions
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, experience, define and accept myself as undeserving of, inferior to and not good enough for my partner and within that see myself as a burden and fear that my partner will at some point realize this about me and cast me aside – not realizing how none of this is first of all real, but also that the principles through which my partner and I have established our relationship/agreement are based on transcending the preconditioned power structures and social hierarchies and as such that we can value each other and ourselves as life, as beings existing in equality with the goal of actually changing the world – but that obviously as long as I validate those structures and condition and limit myself to them, this will not be possible
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future and imagine in fear that my partner and I break up and imagine how I would be back to ‘square one’ in terms of being in the very limited living conditions that I came from where my only option is to work as a wage-slave and survive – not realizing how, whether I am with my partner or not, whether I work as a wage-slave or not, that does not mean that I don’t have the opportunity to stand up and become someone who makes a difference in this world and it also doesn’t mean that I cannot expand myself through transcending the behavioral and mental patterns through which I’ve held myself locked into this social and economic status
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am able to transcend the behavioral and mental patterns through which I’ve held myself locked into this social and economic status and through which I’ve accepted my preconditioned life as final and permanent – and also how I, because I did not realize this, accepted and allowed myself to accept this preconditioned life as valid, not only for me but for everyone in this world, where whatever conditions you are born into reflects ‘who’ you are and will ever be – when in fact that’s not real
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘rest on my laurels’ and to be content – because I have now been propelled into the kind of life I have always dreamt about of having financial security and abundance as well as the possibility of a position of status in the world via my partner’s position – and thus settle – for a limited achievement of what is possible for me to make of myself in this life, where I’ve solely focused and relied on external structures, instead of realizing that the potential to expand and make a difference is existent within me, no matter who I am with or what conditions I am existing under on a practical level (at least to the extent of my current life)
I forgive myself that I’ve not pushed myself to transcend my preconditioned life but instead have piggy-backed and made myself dependent on my partner providing an ‘upgrade’ to my living-conditions, from which I’ve also manifested the fear of losing this life, because it was not something that I had created or established for or within myself as an expression of myself and my potential
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am responsible for what I make of myself in this life and as such what I make of myself through my life, and through having accepted and allowed to project this expansive potential onto my partner, have abdicated responsibility for me expanding myself – and have thus by default kept myself locked into my preconditioned self-definition by accepting and believing that I could never make the life for myself that has been made possible through my relationship and affiliation with my partner
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up on and to abdicate responsibility for my own potential of what is possible for me to become and achieve that is determined by who I am in the foundation of my being – as who I decide to be, as who I create myself to be, as who I accept myself as
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how that, which from one perspective was a limited and unsafe childhood can be redefined as a strength that I utilize, for example through me not fearing to embrace new perspectives and through me being able to support others unconditionally because I know what it is like to be in extreme situations, and how I as a woman do not have to accept myself as innately inferior or unable to advance in life, but can use the expressions within me that are characteristically feminine to support myself and others to create a life that is best for all, for example through my ability to care, to be compassionate, through being humble, through being responsible, through being able to see in ‘wholes’ – and how I as such can come together with my partner and utilize each of our strengths and together become a force to be reckoned with because we stand together bringing different skills to our life through which we can expand individually and together
Realizations and Self-Corrective Commitment Statements
I realize that my power, my strength, my value, my joy, my expression, my potential, does not come from how much money I have or what doors are open to me in the world-system, because these expressions existed within me all along and does not change or become more valuable because my financial situation changes. I also realize that there’s a practical side to having gained financial stability which currently functions within the parameters of the current world system that is not to be overlooked, but instead utilized practically within the capacity I have, where, because I now have a more financially stable life, I have the opportunity – and thus the responsibility – to expand myself, to stabilize myself, to become a force in this world that will make a difference – and as such my life is in many ways more safe and secure, but this is certainly not absolute or existential because I am an equal part in this world that overall is highly unsafe and unstable and as such I commit myself to not take it for granted, but to unconditionally embrace it as an opportunity in this moment that isn’t dependent on or conditioned to what will happen in the future
I have the gift of having existed in a very unsafe and unstable environment, because this has enabled me to become more flexible and more open to look at things from various perspectives. I realize that it is a gift to not have grown up in a closed, secure system because it has made it easier for me to let go of the past as I was not as emotionally invested in it as others may have been, had they had a very safe and secure childhood. I realize that it is unacceptable for me to accept and allow myself to be conditioned by and to define myself according to the unsafety and instability I experienced as a child. I realize that this instability was reflecting a global instability and that the stability I experience now is a gift that is here for a moment, but that I don’t have to be attached to or fear losing, because in essence, this stability and instability based on money is not real or value, but is based on an abusive system of competition and power and disempowerment structures. I realize also that I come bearing gifts through what I have experienced in life and that it is important that I do not squander these through accepting myself as inferior and undeserving.
I realize that my financial stability is first and foremost my responsibility, because if my partner were to suddenly leave or die or become incapacitated, it would be my responsibility to ensure that I am financially stable. I also realize that I know that I have the capacity to expand myself financially, but that I have not made that opportunity possible for myself because I’ve firstly accepted myself as belonging to a specific socio-economic group of people who can only ever be wage-slaves and also because, with the entry of my partner into my life, I accepted and allowed myself to fall into the trap of leaning on and becoming dependent on my partner. In our lives currently, I’m actually the one working whereas my partner is still studying, so it is interesting how all of this has been operating within subconscious and unconscious symbolism and personalities not necessarily having anything to do with how things actually are in reality. I realize that safety and security within the current world system can and will only be relative and therefore that it is not something to take for granted – and that a real safe and secure world, would include safety and security for everyone.
So I commit myself to embrace the relative safety and security that is available to me at the moment and to utilize that as a platform through which I can expand myself, my skills and abilities to actually make a difference in this world, towards creating a safe and stable existence for everyone. I know that I can handle challenges; I am committed to walk this process and to establish a trust and security within and as myself – as self-trust, as knowing myself to the level of specificity and detail that I know and decide who I am in every moment of every breath, so that I direct myself and my own life in awareness, not only of myself but of the life we all share. I commit myself to work with my own mind and to become the directive principle of my mind as the author/authority of myself in self-responsibility
At the moment I am looking at how I can incorporate these realizations into my life on a practical level and I see that it first of all has to do with quite basically stopping participation in the fear/desire relationship that I’ve created in relation to my partner, which quite specifically means to stop participating in and forgive any such thoughts or energetic reactions – and to instead direct myself and my attention towards strengthening myself and my resolve and my stance through developing self-trust and directive. I will continue with this in posts to come.
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Artwork by Alexandra Valenti