August 25, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In the last post I wrote about self-value and how I’ve defined myself as value only according to whether others liked me or not. Within walking the point of self-value I am also seeing other dimensions of as ‘what’ and ‘who’ I’ve valued myself – because as mentioned I can see how I’ve explicitly devalued anything of myself that is of real substantial value, such as the physical body or my self-expression or natural abilities and instead I have valued specific aspects of living that I thought and understood to be valuable based on the responses that I saw that people had to it. However I will walk this point in the next post. In this post I will prescribe self-corrective and self-commitment statements in context to the point I walked in the last blog-post, which was specifically towards the point of being liked by others. I am ready to let this point go – so it is cool to have self-corrective statements as a tool to ‘anchor’ and contextualize this decision to let the point go, because I will be able to prepare myself to let it go in the moments where I am faced with this pattern.
I am here continuing from the following blog-posts:
- DisMISSING The Value of Self: DAY 233
- Looking for Self-Worth in the Eyes of Others: DAY 233
- Be Your Own ‘Chosen One’: DAY 230
- Not being “The Chosen One” – Childhood Friendship Paranoia: DAY 228
- Letting Go of the Thought “There Must Be Something Wrong With Me”: DAY 227
- “There Must Be Something Wrong With Me” – DAY 224
Self-Commitment and Self-Corrective Statements
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to change my focus of myself from being here within and as myself as my physical body where I see that I am changing how I speak, move, talk and experience without it being something that I am doing directively based on a decision in awareness – I stop myself, I breathe and I re-establish myself here within the stability of myself in/as my physical body.
Because I realize that when I am not directing myself to change, when I suddenly start changing ‘who I am’ in the expression of myself it indicates that I am stepping into a character/role within a purpose to present myself as something/someone to others that I am not in fact, based on the belief that the value of who I am is defined by others liking me and that I must change who I am to make sure that others like me. I also realize that when I change myself to present myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I am here, I am doing so from a starting-point of adhering to the world-system’s/culture I live in judgments of who is valued and who isn’t valued believing that if I present myself as valuable in the eyes of the system (i.e looking beautiful/cool/in control/feminine) then that means that I am valuable. I also realize that the value of my being cannot in any way come from others liking me or valuing me because that would mean that I am only valuable when I am with others and if they like me, which is not only totally unpredictable, but it also means that my value is to be determined by people who might not even know me or who have personalized reasons for liking me or disliking me that has nothing to do with me in fact and furthermore that I am then not valuable at all when I am here by myself which is obviously not the case – because I am valuable to me. Without me – there would be no me. Lol
So therefore I commit myself to stop adhering to that which is considered valuable in the world-system/the culture I live in to define myself as value and I commit myself to stop changing myself as how I present myself to get people to like me. I commit myself to let go of the belief that am only valuable if others value/like me and I commit myself to establish and develop self-value in/of/as myself here in and through which I can stand and live effectively in self-support, respect and dignity. As such I also commit myself to, when I am with others to practice the point of not shifting focus from being here with/as myself in the comfortability and stability of my physical body and to within this trust myself to be able to communicate effectively with others by simply expressing myself and assessing the situation in common sense, without having to analyze the situation in my mind and accordingly try and fit myself into an image that I believe others will like me as.
When and as I see that fear comes up within my towards not being liked by others where I also see that I am judging myself for a behavior that I fear is potentially unlikable by others, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the stability of my physical body. Because I see, realize and understand that I have created this fear because I saw how my mother experienced herself when I was a child as being ineffective at interacting with others and then decided that I never wanted to experience myself like I saw her experiencing herself – not realizing that I within that, had already accepted my own association to this point of being disliked and thereby started defining and identifying myself according to it, but doing so as a suppression of myself where I fought tooth and nail to not be perceived by others as I saw people looking at my mother, yet the starting-point of fear of experiencing myself the way my mother experienced herself remained with me.
So, I commit myself to let of the fear of experiencing myself as an outcast, as isolated, alone and lonely. Because I have actually established a fundamental comfortability in being with myself and so I am not actually afraid of being alone, isolated or lonely. I see also how this was a distinct fear that my mother had specifically due to her own life-experiences and without any context to how she actually experienced herself, I simply decided that I wouldn’t experience myself like that, but this was within a reaction of fear and so it wasn’t an actual self-directed decision because I could see how irrational her experience was. Instead I did the opposite as submitting myself totally and completely to the system. I see also now how this experience that came up within me when I saw my mother experiencing herself as an outcast, as lonely and isolated and alone, was towards the fact that I was alone with my mother and that I didn’t know how to deal with her experience, I didn’t know how to direct the situation – but I do now and so I can change and correct this pattern for and within myself. I commit myself to investigate the values that I have accepted for myself – as that which I consider valuable in life and within/as myself, so that I can establish for myself a set of values within and as the context of what is best for all.
When and as I see that I am feeling tempted to accept and allow myself to act according to the pattern of defining my self-value within how others either like me or not, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here. Because I realize that I have resisted letting go of this pattern of defining my self-value based on others liking me, because I knew it would mean that I would ‘end up back where I started’ which was at the fear I experienced towards becoming like my mother, not realizing that this was simply my mother’s experience that I inverted into myself and defined myself according to and that there is no rule saying that I have to live according to these experiences or to this fear, meaning that even if I am alone and isolated, this is not something that is bad or to be feared and therefore I don’t have to compromise myself to make sure that others like me because I don’t have anything to lose. As such I commit myself to let go of and stop the resistance I experience towards letting go of defining myself based on whether others like me or not and to simply stand and live here with/within/as myself as value that isn’t in any way defined or determined by whether or not others like me.
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