August 12, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
When people die, we write R.I.P on their gravestones. But the World will not Rest in Peace and nor will we until we have Gathered the Pieces of ourselves and brought all of ourselves back together again as Life. This is what I learned from Bernard.
The first time I heard Bernard speak in the end of 2008, it was through a video on You Tube. I heard this distinct voice with a clear accent that I could not place and immediately I experienced a reaction within myself, almost like my insides was shaking. One of the first things I noticed was how Bernard would speak all around a point in a way I had never heard before – embracing all aspects of a point and do so while swearing! It was one of the most liberating experiences I had ever experienced. Here was a man who spoke the truth of what was going on in the world, straight up, no bullshit, no romantic words of pep talk, but instead self-honest in-your-face support. I felt like I had landed for the first time in my entire life in a spot where everything finally made sense. But not in a pretty way – in a pretty fucked up way. There was no distance anymore with an idea of a world outside of this one or a meaning to life besides what is already here in and as this messed up reality. What is here is what is here – and now there was someone able to explain every single question I had ever had. It was scary and amazing and saddening all at once. I started feeling a deep love and appreciation for Bernard while a part of me wanted to shut his voice out and turn of the video. I literally felt sick from facing myself for the first time through meeting myself in Bernard’s words. I could not hide from this man. This man refused to hide. I had never met or seen or heard of anyone ever being like Bernard was and it was as if my entire life was reset and I had to start over from scratch. Now – this is not because Bernard was doing something to me – it was clearly myself I faced in Bernard’s words – words that resonated to the very core of my being –, which I knew without any doubt or lingering that was true. The best way to explain my experience was that until then I had felt like I was very small in a big world and after finding Desteni and Bernard, I experienced the world as being very small and suddenly it was my inner world that seemed so infinitely big. This I learned, is the virtual world we’ve created through and within our minds – it isn’t real. So I learned about the Mind and how we have created ourselves in separation from and abdication of ourselves through, within and as the mind.
I lived together with Bernard on the Desteni farm for nearly a year. I have visited the farm three times. When I initially came to the farm I was extensively afraid of meeting Bernard. At that stage I was still coming from a spiritual perspective and believed in the renouncement of material belongings, so when I came to the farm and saw all the food, the dogs, the liters of coffee being drunk every day, the mess and all the people, I was absolutely astounded. There were literally dogs everywhere and in the middle of it all was Bernard, a completely ordinary and extraordinary man, talking, watching movies, playing virtual slot machines and pushing everyone’s buttons to the max.
Whenever Bernard came into the room, I would feel so nervous because I knew that he would see through my bullshit, that he could see all sides of me, even the ones I was hiding from myself. Sometimes Bernard would push my buttons to provoke a reaction and only later would I realize what had happened – and gratefully laugh at my own sillyness and Bernard’s ability to call bullshit on me. Sometimes he would not speak at all. Other times he would simply be, hang out, stand by the grill or do the laundry. Yes – that is right, Bernard did the laundry! He did everyone’s dirty laundry, clean and fresh and folded for your pleasure.
At some point I realized that Bernard would be whatever I required to be reflected – so if I hated myself, he would reflect that back to me. I started seeing Bernard as a black hole that can contain anything and everything at once and that will become whatever you are so that you can face yourself. And I understood that only when I would stand equal to Bernard – as him, with him, would I see the real Bernard. The Bernard that is also simply a man – a man who has walked a process. A process that he pushed himself to walk, that he walked all alone and that he now shares with all of us, as we share our processes with each other as well. What is so fascinating is within how we say at Desteni that everything is in reverse – because Bernard is properly one of the most prominent examples of that. Bernard was loud, scary, and rude or whatever you’d perceive him to be – and at the same time, he was the manifestation of love in the flesh. Real love – not mushy love. As such Bernard once said that; “love per se -is the act of life assisting the delusion to give up its illusion–that is in its very nature brutal — and not some fuzzy word that give some a place of superiority purely due to the genetic predisposition to have a higher intelligence” And that is exactly what I saw in Bernard as well – that is the living word of Bernard.
When Bernard would support me and share with me points about myself, I learned to Breathe and not resist the words and to simply be still inside myself and let the words resonate through my body. Ironically I have never been so calm or so stable in my entire life as when Bernard was giving me the brutal truth about myself and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as. Because Bernard’s words is absolute – they are embracing, direct and they come from a starting-point of equality and self-forgiveness, to not accept anything less from each of us than that that which is best for all life. Bernard is properly the only human being I have ever trusted fully and at the same time, Bernard would do, say and be whatever it took to wake you up from your state of inner self-delusion and deception. Bernard was always supporting me to realize myself, even if it meant supporting me in lying to myself or confirming me in my self-judgment.
For this is I am grateful, because within this Bernard has assisted me immensely in realizing what I was doing to myself, what I was accepting and allowing, without enforcing realizations upon me that I would then be indebted to Bernard through forever. There are many beings, including myself who’s had the tendency to follow Bernard as though he was a guru, a god or a father figure and I am sure that Bernard carefully made sure that any illusions of grandeur about him is removed so that the person can concentrate on themselves and not on worshiping Bernard.
Living with Bernard was interesting, but at the same time not as thrilling as one might think. From an entirely different perspective, it was the most thrilling experience of my life. Living with a being and watching a Being exist, who has no limits, no morals, no conscience, no fear, no feelings and no mind, makes for some pretty interesting experiences. For example: Bernard slept when he was tired and this means that there was no schedule or specific rhythm, because that is (obviously) something we’ve created within the constructs of this world according to the mind. So Bernard was up at all times of the day and night and in the beginning I did not even think that Bernard even slept at all. He always had at least 10 dogs around him. It is not something he told them to do. He wasn’t petting them like most people pet their animals. Sometimes he would provide support if the animal was having an experience of its own or is indicating a point as a side effect to the general process. Bernard would touch them though and they would all sleep on top of him When he went to the toilet they would wait outside. One time Bernard asked me why I think they follow him and he shared with me that it is because he was a point of stability for them. He was the physical manifested as solid, firm unconditional support. And that is what he has been to many of us.
A point I noticed about Bernard was that he would wait with eating until everyone else had eaten. He would make sure that everyone was okay. If an animal required medical care, he would immediately ensure it, even if it meant driving far away late at night. If someone, animal or human had expressed a specific desire for some food or beverage, Bernard would buy it for them. When there were children on the farm, Bernard did not treat them special or as inferior. He would look at their expression and their situation exactly as he would with any other being and see how he could assist. If someone, animal or human was acting in a way that is unacceptable, Bernard would make sure that the point was directed to self-correction. He would walk with the dogs in the morning sunlight and simply embrace the world in support and care and the humbleness that Bernard lived, is something I am not even able to describe within the capacity of my current vocabulary. Bernard stands one and equal with all life.
If I would complain about the load of work I had to do, Bernard would give me more work. Or if I placed special value in something or defined myself as more because of it, Bernard would point it out and tease me about it – this he did, not because he was evil – but because he understood that a practical, physical and tangible re-education is required, for each of us to stop living within and as self-interest in the delusion of the mind – of desires and fears and to start living here in common sense self-honesty. So when I got more work, I started realizing that I had created the idea of it being “too much” as a point of delusion. I realized that I had defined myself according to it or held onto it out of fear of losing it. I don’t know anyone else in the world, who’s able to support Beings like that – so brutal – so direct – so absolutely spot-on, every time.
One time when I was doing laundry, I dropped a piece of clothes out from the washing machine while I was emptying it. Bernard came by and he firmly informed me that what I was doing was spiteful against life, that I could not even have the care to make sure that this piece of clothes did not touch the floor. It was a shock to hear that such a small point – is how I saw it at the time – could indicate such a point of abuse and inequality. But I slowly but surely started realizing how I was in fact living as spitefulness, as disregard, in most of my actions.
Of all the things I learned from Bernard and while being on the farm, this was probably one of the most important. I learned that you cannot say you stand for something, if you do not live it in every moment of every breath to the fullest. Bernard would literally educate me, through assisting me to expand my understanding and awareness of my reality and through the example of those living together on the farm, who had already walked process for some time. It has actually only been recently that I have started realizing the difference this has made in my life and in how and as who I live. There are so many seemingly small points of practical physical living in and through which I have learned to be specific, diligent, caring and considering and I can see now, where I am living in an agreement, how important those points are. To understand that what you are doing when you let the water run for no apparent reason other than it being convenient or because you never considered doing it differently, is spiteful. To understand that living what is best for all is something that we can and must apply in every moment of living here, looking practically in common sense at our reality and applying ourselves according to what is – in fact – best for all life.
Through Bernard’s example, I have learned to care for and take care of animals. I have come to appreciate animals from an entirely different perspective. I have learned to appreciate self-discipline and structure. I have learned to get up in the morning immediately upon my first Breath. I have learned to support others as I have been supported. These things might sound small and insignificant, but when all these – and more – points are gathered, as all the breaths of a day – or a life time- it is clear that what we are doing is starting to create a world that is best for all. A world where each of us stand self-responsible, self-trusting and self-directed in equality.
My life has been forever changed because of Bernard Poolman. Because he dared to walk his process for himself, alone through fear, through losing everything, his family, his money, his sanity, until only he was left, self-forgiving and self-embracing in equality with and as all life – He did it without any instructions or manual, because when he walked his process, there was no group walking-with, which is what we have created for ourselves now, as Desteni, the I process and the constant stream of material, information and support we supply 24/7 online.
Many beings will be sad because Bernard has died – but his death is not about keeping a legacy alive, hell no – we’re not going to ‘honor his memory’. He would have said: “fuck that.” lol – Honoring Bernard is honoring ourselves as life – Honoring Bernard is sharing the Living Word as it has been shared with us and to stand in every moment of Breath here walking the process of establishing a world that is best for all. I will miss Bernard tremendously and I am eternally grateful to have met him. But even for those who haven’t met Bernard in person – it is not a loss. Because Bernard was never about the personal. He said: “You must become me as I am you, so that we can trust each other no matter where we are, no matter who we are.”
I have never loved anyone the way I loved Bernard. I have never respected anyone the way I respected Bernard. I have never trusted anyone the way I trusted Bernard. I have never been challenged or supported by anyone the way that Bernard challenged and supported me. Bernard showed me the potential of what is possible – of what I can become if I stand up within myself.
Bernard is that part of us that has dared to stand up for life – that has dared to not only say that “enough is enough” but to actually live it in every moment of every breath – no fear – no compromise. Bernard stands with and as all of us, as our own brutal self-honesty – the only remedy that will cure this world from the delusion that we’ve allowed ourselves to live and become. Bernard is the side of all of us that has taken the first step to birth ourselves as life – now it is up to each of us to take the next.
Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course