The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants – (Relationship Paranoia Pt.8) – DAY 219

July 7, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

love is blind postcard 706x1024 The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants   (Relationship Paranoia Pt.8)   DAY 219In this post we are initiating the process of walking self-forgiveness in relation to the experience of falling in love with someone other than one’s partner while being in a ‘committed’ relationship. For context of what we will be walking here, I suggest reading the previous blog-post as well as the series on Falling in Love that we have been walking.

The self-forgiveness we will be walking here is general and it is suggested to read the statements out loud for oneself as well as add one’s own self-forgiveness statements pertaining to one’s particular experiences within falling in love with someone other than one’s partner if/as this is a point one is facing.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two personalities or ‘selves’ where I on the one hand tell myself and my partner that I am in a committed relationship while on the other hand still keep a ‘backdoor’ open ‘just in case…’ for me to be with someone which indicates that I am not actually here fully within my decision to be with my partner and are separating myself from myself here because I’ve got ‘one leg out the door’ while convincing myself that I am committed to be in the relationship I am currently in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and convince myself that I am committed to be in the relationship I am in currently, when in fact I have kept a backdoor open ‘just in case’… to be with someone other than my partner which is evident by the fact that I still accept and allow myself to see others as ‘potential’ partners/sex-partners instead of standing firm and stable within my commitment to be with my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ‘natural’, ‘normal’ and ‘instinctual’ for me to still seek out other partners/sex-partners even though I am in a relationship instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this means that I am actually not self-directed in my decision to walk my commitment with my partner and that I am abdicating my self-direction through justifying it as ‘natural’ for me to seek out other people to be with and through justifying for myself that I have no direction over what I feel – when in fact I am the one who has deliberately (albeit subconsciously) kept a backdoor open for me to be with someone other than my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-direction of making a commitment to be with my partner through submitting and subjecting myself to emotions/feelings and ‘urges’ that I’ve justified for myself that I have no control over and that is ‘natural’ and ‘normal’ to have

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a commitment, if it is real, is a self-directed decision based on a practical consideration of what is best for me and for my partner to be in a relationship and that if I keep a backdoor open to be with someone else – it means that I haven’t actually fully committed myself to be with my partner and thus that I am lying to myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to activate and engage the ‘mating sequence’ that I’ve already abdicated myself to even though I am in a relationship because I’ve kept a backdoor open ‘just in case’ where I will subconsciously keep my senses open for someone towards whom I can attach an experience of attraction/’connection’ and ‘falling in love’ – while believing that it is THIS person and the circumstances within which we are meeting each other that is MAKING ME fall in love with them – while in fact I am only falling in love with them, because I already had the backdoor open for this to happen and thus accepted the possibility and in fact drove myself to fall in love by reacting to specific features/characteristics that I’ve programmed into myself throughout my life as ‘signifiers’ for what an ideal ‘mate’ would be – romantically and/or sexually

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame nature/human nature as ‘mating-instincts’ as well as emotions and feelings  for my experience of falling in love with someone other than my partner because I believe that I am inherently subjected to a form of ‘nature’ that I’ve got no control or direction over as both ‘mating instincts’ such as sexual attraction as well as emotional experiences that I believe is beyond my control and direction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use sentences such as ‘you can’t decide who you fall in love with’ and ‘love is blind’ and ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’ to justify my self-abdication of myself to the energetic experience of falling in love with someone other than my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify and blame my experience of falling in love with someone other than my partner on ‘love’ as being a ‘universal force’ with ‘mysterious powers’ as a spiritually superior ‘force’ that I’ve got no control or direction over and that I have no choice but to submit myself to because it is apparently stronger than me and my ability to make decisions and direct myself in common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not, see, realize and understand that the experience of falling in love with someone other than my partner is a programmed sequence as accumulation of energy that I myself am generating and creating through first of all the backdoor I’ve left open for me to be with someone other than my partner and second of all through the belief I’ve abdicated myself to that I’ve got no control or direction over my own emotions or instincts because they are apparently ‘bigger’ and ‘more’ than me and thirdly because I am actively participating in thoughts/backchat/fantasies/imagination towards a specific person or an idea of a specific person that I then participate in repetitively until I’ve generated enough energy through the attention I am giving to the thoughts that I physically start changing how I experience myself and start feeling and believing that I am in love with this person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I experience that I am falling in love with someone – it is actually the outflow of a process of accumulation that I’ve built up in my mind over time, where I’ve literally ‘groomed’ myself to eventually get to the point of feeling and believing that I’m in love – as though it is something that’s happening suddenly out of the blue – when in fact I deliberately initiated the entire sequence through leaving a backdoor open ‘just in case…’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that falling in love is ‘simply something that happens’ that I’ve got no control or direction over – when in fact the reason why I’m even falling in love with a specific person is because of the memories of certain features or characteristics that I’ve collected in a ‘scrapbook’ database in my mind of the kind of mate I would like to have or for example based on specific characteristics that I would like to have for myself and then see projected onto another person believing that if I were with that person I would vicariously ‘absorb’ or ‘have’ or ‘possess’ those characteristics by being with/possess that person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how me falling in love with someone other than my partner is something that happens due to my addiction to energy – where I, as soon as my current relationship loses it’s ‘magic touch’ like the ‘honeymoon period’ of being in love, start looking for that high energy experience again in another person – believing and convincing myself that what I’m looking for is ‘true love’ when in fact all I am looking for is my next energetic fix

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to also not see, realize and understand how I would activate the ‘mating/falling in love’ sequence with someone other than my partner, because my current relationship is now becoming more real, where both my partner and I are starting to show more of who we in fact are – all the shit and dirty laundry – because we can’t any longer hold up the energy-veneer of being perfect – and because I don’t want anyone to see who I really am, because I don’t want to face who I really am – I start looking for someone else that I can be ‘perfect’ with – believing that this ‘perfection’ is based on a ‘perfect match’ where I simply need a partner to be the ‘magic ingredient’ with whom I will suddenly as by magic be ‘perfect’ and not have or hold any of the characteristics about myself that I don’t like because this person somehow ‘solves’ me or ‘completes’ me as well as me no longer seeing my partner as perfect, because their veneer has also started to crack and thus I no longer see them as I did in the beginning and I start looking for someone that is more ‘perfect’ not seeing, realizing and understanding that what I see in/as people when I fall in love with them, is not actually who they are – but instead a one-dimensional image that I’ve projected onto them as well as them presenting themselves at their best, exactly as I’ve done when entering into a new relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to keep a backdoor open ‘just in case…’ because I believe that the ‘perfect match’ is some form of spiritual magical thing where everything will fall into place and the love between us will magically sort out everything and therefore as soon as reality starts seeping into the relationship I convince myself that this is not the right relationship to be in, because then it would simply be perfect without me or my partner placing any effort into the relationship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted to keep a backdoor open ‘just in case…’ because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live based on a starting-point of always wanting more/looking for more in and through which I am never actually satisfied or even appreciative of what is here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that a real an effective relationship is based upon a deliberate self-directed effort and commitment of both partners to develop intimacy, communication and a cool practical way of living and walking together that has got nothing to do with feelings or emotions

We will continue in the next post. Stay tuned…

Suggested reading for expanded perspectives on the delusion and illusion of Love:

How can love exist

Day 414: Love and Light Paranoia: a Disease Cultivated by Consumerism

Day 19 – Rotten Love

Day 163: After Death Communication – Relationships and Love – Part 12 

 Day 9: Speaking from the Heart

Suggested read for those considering going into an Agreement: When are you ready for an agreement.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

 

 The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants   (Relationship Paranoia Pt.8)   DAY 219

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