June 10, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post we are going to walk another precarious point, namely that of ’Falling in love’ or becoming infatuated with another Human Being. Now this point is another dimension of the Relationship Paranoia that we as humans become obsessed and possessed by and therefore I am first going to specify why and how the experience of ’falling in love’ is a point of Paranoia. Because the association one would make immediately with falling in love is not that of Paranoia and as such there might be some initial resistance to consider ’falling in love’ as a point of Paranoia. So please walk with me here as I expand on this point.
If you haven’t yet read the two first posts in this series, you can read them here:
Also I am going to be contextualizing the following blog-post by Bernard Poolman as a point of reference for how to walk through Relationship Paranoia:
In context to what I’ll be walking here I also recommened listening to the following interview:
Now first of all, there’s the obvious connection of ’falling in love’ to that of ’insanity’ and how ’falling in love’ is commonly also defined as a form of momentary insanity that the person will go into as they literally ’fall’ into the experience of love. So far so good. Now let’s now instead have a look at the Paranoia that instigates the experience of ‘falling in love’.
When human beings fall in love, they do so based on a desire and a fear that can be defined as the words: “There must be more than me…” So in our hunt for love, we are looking for ‘more than’ ‘who’ and ‘how’ we experience ourselves, our lives and other human beings. We’re basically looking for the meaning of life, the ultimate answer, the number that makes the equation equate. It is a highly delusional state where we’re looking for ’completion’, ’wholeness’ and ’happiness’ through a projection onto another human being. As Bernard Poolman says, relationships and the experience of falling in love is:
“…the Energy Word, which results from accumulated Memories integrated into the Flesh that forms Associations and Relationships with other Memories to Creates Entities, which results in Visions that one see as your Intuition and your Personal Ideology as an Energy story – through which you want to then find your ‘One’, The One that is going to make you feel ‘Special’. For that you have created within yourself a very Special Feeling that you believe that: if you have that Feeling, you have found ‘The One’. That is why you will go around trying to meet people, as many as possible, trying to find ‘The One’.
Obviously, all part of (for lack of a better word) a Massive Continuous Paranoid Mind Fuck – because the repeating Thoughts and Feelings within your Mind are that which starts to eventually specify itself to become part of the Flesh and you end up believing it’s Real, because you are ‘experiencing something’. “
So we become obsessed and possessed with finding ‘the ONE’ whether deliberately or tacitly as we also all learn that relationships are that which gives life true meaning and purpose to our life here on earth, so even people that might not consciously be looking for love, will have the ‘drive’ towards a relationship brainwashed into them from an early age, from everything from Disney movies to advertisements to our social lives.
In my life, I’ve been a literal relationship-junkie, which meant that I was obsessed with being in a relationship, I was addicted to it in fact and whenever I wasn’t in a relationship I would go ‘hunting’ for ‘the one’ and whenever I was in a relationship, I’d constantly weigh and measure if there might be someone else more suited for me. The first time I fell in love was in kindergarten with a boy that did not reciprocate my feelings. What is interesting is that this ‘falling in love’ experience is no different from any of the other times I’ve fallen in love in my life. And so it began lol. And i’ve fallen in love probably more times than I can count.
What I’ve found within and as the experience of ‘falling in love’ is that it is a kind of delirium that we deliberately induce ourselves into and as, exactly as Bernard said in the quote above where we through our justification of how we feel emotionally to explain why ‘THIS’ person could be/must be/possibly is/probably is ‘THE ONE’. And then we go into the ‘zone’ of insanity and paranoia that is the feeling of ‘falling in love’ where we literally go insane and set everything in motion to obtain this ‘ONE’ that we perceive the other person to be. So we generate an emotional experience within and as ourselves that we then use and perceive as being an indicator that “THIS TIME IT IS REAL” or “THIS IS THE ONE.”
Here are some of the indicators that I’ve noticed within myself that shows that I have gone ‘in the deep end’ of falling in love. Some of these are universal indicators of the insanity of falling in love, others are personal point and everyone has their own indicators that would be relevant to specify.
First of all there’s a ‘scoping out the field’. And what I’ve found is that I will only trigger the ‘falling in love’ experience when I am in an appropriate environment, which means that I have to have access to the kind of people that I’ve decided fall into the ‘falling in love’ category. When or if I am not in such an environment, I don’t trigger this experience. But if I am in a situation with for example a couple of people that could maybe possibly be ‘targets’ for my ‘love hunt’ then I’ll start scoping which one it should be. This is interestingly enough something I do subconsciously which means that I am not consciously aware that I am doing it. It happens very fast as well and automatically. I’ve also found that the ‘best environment’ for feeding the ‘falling in love’ experience is a place where one has continuous encounters with specific people, like in a class room or with co-workers or in a friend-circle. When I was a child I even used to fall in love with older boys that I would see every day on the train on my way to school. So such an environment where one see the person every day, ‘helps’ to foster the obsession through which one make the decision to initiate the ‘falling in love’ sequence.
Then once I have decided on a target, and have ‘locked them in’ on my inner scope, the obsession starts for real and I virtually change myself into a completely different person. Here are some of the indicators within this stage of the onset of the insanity of ‘falling in love’: I’ll stop being hungry and can basically ignore all physical needs or discomforts. I’ve found within this also that this plays in with how one will try and present oneself in the best way possible – and for a woman it has traditionally been ‘appropriate’ to act like you don’t eat, don’t fart, don’t smell of sweat and that you never get tired. You will basically present yourself as the perfect partner to the ‘prospect target’ of your love obsession. Then I will also be overly conscious about how I look and will buy new clothes or pick out the best possible outfits. I’ll also try to be as close to the person as possible and use any excuse to talk to them or simply be near them. Though for many people and when I was a teenager and more shy, I would simply try and be near the person, but I wouldn’t even dare talking to them before they talked to me. Then if I do talk to them or someone around them, I’ll focus my total attention on sounding ‘interesting’, ‘adventurous’, ‘honorable’ or whatever other quality or expression that I believe this man would want me to be. So once I reach this stage I will be completely and totally immersed in my obsession. And I will try to stay close to the person and it will feel like they’re basically my reason to live. Lol. And here’s also where the thoughts start going all haywire. “He’s so perfect!”, “Oh my god, he’s so amazing I can’t believe it”. “This girl is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”, “I only imagine if I could get her.”, “I am sure she’s amazing in bed.” And so the obsession continues with all of this happening sort of all at once until it ‘suddenly’ ‘hits’ me that: “OH MY GOD! I’M SO IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY.” And from then on out it is like everything is perfect, the world suddenly has more colors, everything seems easier and I even experience myself as having changed, like I am suddenly a perfect human being and that this other person is some kind of magical ingredient that brings it out in me. Obviously this is somewhat dependent on there at some point being a point of reciprocity with the other person. This is where the point then can split into other forms of paranoia. But then the course is already set and it will either be an experience of an ‘unhappy’ love which for some people can last for years. Or the other person will trigger the same experience within them and it will feel like the whole world is coming together only for this moment to happen and we all know how the story goes and the two people are supposed to go happily ever after and everything is perfect forever…. But obviously it’s NOT.
Another point I’ve found within and as the ‘falling in love’ experience is that one will attach specific attributes to the other person that will be the qualities that one will want to ‘consume’ and ‘possess’ which then compliments one’s idea of this other person being ‘THE ONE’. Here there’s an important point to consider: Whatever we’re seeking in another is that which we’ve separated from and of ourselves. This is obviously also why we will perceive another as ‘THE ONE’ but virtually no matter what we do, we never actually find that ‘IT’ that ‘makes us complete’ or ‘whole’ because other people can’t complete us – we can only complete ourselves.
But in the process of falling in love we will create a belief that the other person truly IS perfect. We don’t in any way at all see who they are – because all we’re seeing is our own memories and symbols of desires of certain attributes and expressions that we’ve attached to images. This is also why we for example will be attracted to people with the same physical features or values or norms. I’ve for example always falling in love with that which I perceived as ‘boys from good families’ – which is something that I’ve yet to investigate.
”To start with the Relationship Paranoia Correction and to Stop it:
You have to look at your Recurring Thoughts about Relationship, People and about Sex. You write them down, because you are going to walk them one by one.
Then you have to have a look at where the Thoughts comes from, that means the Origin of the Memory or Memories – how many of these Memories are together and they form Relationships that will form Symbols and these Symbols will be symbolized by your likes and dislikes of for instances Celebrities, Body Shapes, Eye Color, Hair Color – all kinds of things would be specified according to how your Memory responded to particular Pictures that you saw.
Remember: all the people you have seen/are seeing in your Life (because you are at this stage just a Mind Consciousness Entity), exist within you as Pictures – they are not existing as Real People. That’s why it’s so easy to drive half the World into Starvation, because none of the people within your Mind Memory Structure are real as far as you are concerned, because they are only real to the Mind Consciousness Entity if you have some Benefit from it, if there is Self Interest. Therefore, all the people you’ll have in your Life – will always be related to your Entity’s Self Interest as far as what you can get, Not as far as what you can Give – and you will Only Give, because you know by Giving, you will be Getting.”
What I have realized through my investigation of the ‘falling in love’ experience is that it is absolutely and totally delusional and when we accept and allow ourselves to ‘fall’ into the love-experience we deliberately lose ourselves in a fantasy and desire – based on a fear of being alone, a fear of life not having any meaning, a fear of our lives not having purpose, a fear of not being whole, a fear of being unhappy, a fear of not surviving, a fear of missing out… and so through all of these fears and the paranoia that goes into the extensive obsession as the insanity of ‘falling in love’ we literally lose ourselves for a moment or however long the experience lasts and then once the energy has run out – we’ll start the whole damn cycle all over again – never seeing, realizing or understanding that what we are looking for can never be found because it wasn’t real to begin with. We compromise our own grounding here on earth, our own self-worth or even the opportunity for developing self-worth, self-expression, wholeness and soundness within and as ourselves for a delusional experience. We don’t even really care about the people we’re apparently falling in love with, because all we care about is how ‘they make’ us feel and how they can serve an apparent purpose of fulfilling our lives – while we never take the time to actually get to know a person or establish a real care and intimacy. Because that’s simply not what ‘falling in love’ is about. Ironically so.
From thirtyone years of having been in love with love, I can say for a fact that it isn’t worth it. And this doesn’t mean that we then have to live a life without passion or enjoyment or fulfillment. The point simply is that this isn’t going to come from an energetic experience or from hope or from another person being or doing something for us. It can and will only come from one place: ourselves.
In the next post I will continue with self-forgiveness statements.
I recommened reading the following articles on the insanity of falling in love:
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