May 19, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post we will again visit with ‘negativity’ and unfold my relationship to this manifested pattern of polarity. Since undertaking the first post, I have realized that there’s much to my relationship to negativity that I still have to uncover and as such I have decided to continue with this series for some blog posts to come as I open up various dimensions of my relationship with negativity. Here I will also particularly be going into and opening more up on the topic of ‘self-judgment’ because this is one of the primary negative patterns that I’ve participated within. And after listening to an awesome series on Eqafe about self-judgment, I’ve decided to make this topic part of this series. This blog post will also more specifically in Self-Forgiveness go into the point of how using one’s emotions and feelings as a ‘compass’ of direction is not the best way to live…
This is in continuation to:
- 15: Embracing the Unknown: DAY 204
- 12: Saying NO to Feel in Control of Consequence: DAY 203
- 08: Filling Gaps by Digging Holes – My Relationship with Myself as Negativity: DAY 203
- 04: Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202
- 01: Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201
- 25: Positivity: DAY 200
In the last post I looked closer at my relationship with negativity as an adjective in the context of ‘saying no’. In this post I will focus on negativity as a noun according to what I opened up on DAY 203. Here’s what I wrote:
late 14c., “a prohibition; absence, nonexistence; opposite,” from Old French negatif and directly from Latin negativus (see negative (adj.)). Meaning “a negative statement” is from 1560s. As a response, “I refuse, disagree, no,” from 1945. Meaning “a negative quality” is from 1640s. In mathematics, “a negative number,” from 1706. Photographic sense first recorded 1853.
Having a look at firstly the adjective – negativity is literally ‘that which denies’ or simply ‘deny’ or ‘say no’. As such a clue in investigating ‘who I am’ and ‘how I live’ AS negativity would be to investigate how I live and act in denial and saying no to myself – and to everyone else.
The noun on the other hand means ‘prohibition’, ‘nonexistence’ and ‘opposite’. I see how each of these characterizations is relevant in themselves and in fact has significant influence on how and as whom I’ve lived negativity. It is interesting because only yesterday I talked to my partner about how I’ve recently realized that I’ve been living with a vast amount of prohibitions or taboos. I found the realization astounding because when I was a teenager I made a mission out of breaking taboos. I had this idea that I would become free if I broke all the taboos in my mind. Unfortunately I was doing so by the ‘virtue’ of my ego – so that I could feel superior and as a consequence I compromised myself extensively because I created a belief that ‘breaking boundaries’ was indisputably ‘a good thing’.
So I realized that I hadn’t in fact broken or removed these prohibitions from my mind and that I still had loads of prohibitions. One in particular for example that I realized as I was writing my Danish blog is how I’ve prohibited myself to belong to a certain ‘class’ or ‘price range’ when it comes to money. I’ve literally made it a taboo for myself to have money and the feeling I’ve gotten when I’ve then ‘gone there’ – either in my mind or in the physical, was total religious shame and guilt feelings. I’ve literally made a religious dogma out of defining myself as belonging to a certain class or income group. Interestingly enough in its polarity, I’ve also struggled with additions, over-consumption and indulgence which is exactly the opposite of prohibition. And I realized that when something is prohibited, it is automatically charged with energy which makes it attractive and in consequence we then flock to the things that are us prohibited because of the very prohibition in itself.
Non-existence is another topic that I’ve had ‘issues’ with. For many years I’ve had a fear of not existing in many various ways and I can see a direct connection between this fear and the desire for attention, recognition and validation from others. So what I can see here is that for every point of existing in and as negativity, there’s the attempt to fill the gap or compensate for the apparent ‘hole’ I perceive myself as. Interesting also to note here that what is missing from the ‘hole’ to be complete as a ‘whole’ is the ‘w’ – and what does ‘w’ stand for? ‘WE’ or ‘WORLD’. So this is an interesting point in itself. With this it is also important to note that what I’m describing here as personal experiences, really are a part of the world system as a whole, meaning that the negativity that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as, is no different from what we’ve accepted as a whole at a global level and scale. The final word is ‘opposite’. This I see that I’ve lived in particular when it comes to participating in comparison, competition and self-judgment in my mind. I mean, self-judgment is in itself always about comparison, it is about something else or someone else (even ideas about oneself) being better or more than self. I’ve tried compensating for my existence as negativity in/as ‘opposite’ through various strategies – strategies of trying to fit in and be liked but also strategies of deliberately being in opposition and being against. I’ve used self-judgment extensively to suppress myself and to split myself in halves inside myself. This is also what I realized with the point of prohibition: when we prohibit something inside ourselves as taboos, we immediately create a split, like we try to ‘freeze out’ that part of ourselves by denying and ignoring it and in the process we create walls in our minds and bodies where we shield these parts of ourselves. The consequences are that we then live in secret and in hiding – even from ourselves, or rather especially from ourselves.
The strange thing about this negativity – is that I’ve chosen it for myself, at the very least after starting participating with Desteni and learning about polarities and about energy. Still, I’ve immersed myself in negativity – AS myself. It has become a habit, a comfort zone, a way of living and an easy direct way to generate constant energy for the mind to sustain itself – while keeping the body in a state of tension and suspension, like being constantly fried and electrocuted as a sacrifice for the mind to maintain its dominion over me.
I see how specific dimensions such as self-judgment, comparison, competition, depression and self-pity all are contextualized into and as each of these dimensions, so as I open up each dimension I will focus on looking at how I’ve lived each word as negativity in context to specific negative experiences. I will see how it goes and then accordingly write more for example about self-judgment as a separate topic.
In context to my previous blogs on ‘saying no’ I will continue here with the word/words “Refusal” and “Resistance.” Because I see that at the moment these got a particular foothold within and as me. Obviously refusal and resistance are two different words, but I see how resistance is applied or lived through refusal which is like another dimension of ‘saying no’. And since writing these blogs I’ve encountered myself in and as refusal as resistance and ‘saying no’ as something I’ve been living pr. Automation and therefore that I at this moment require writing out so as to establish a new direction within and as myself in context to living these words.
As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs on the subject, I’ve had a quite conflicted relationship between living the statements of ‘saying no’ and ‘saying yes’. Within this I’ve found that I have had a tendency to say yes to things that aren’t good for me while saying no to things that are. This is quite absurd really, and it shows how we’re living according to ‘agendas’ in our minds where it is not our own best interest that is the directive that we live by. I also see how I’ve perceived resistance as a ‘natural’ and fully acceptable ‘way out’ of things that I didn’t want to participate in based on using ‘what I feel’ as a justification. I see how this is supported by a general notion in our societies where we’ve learned that ‘If it feels wrong, don’t do it’ and ‘if it feels right, do it’. Unfortunately this is based on false premise that what we feel is self-honest and that our feelings is on our side. It is also based on the premise that feelings and what we feel IS our self-honesty and the truth of ourselves. Little do we know that what we feel as feelings and emotions comes from memories and past experiences as well as generational relationships of energy transferred to us from our parents and ancestors as well as from the culture we grow up in.
My mom grew up in a strict Christian environment without much opportunity for self-expression. As such her life became about setting herself free from this limited and constricting past. I can see how I’ve adopted a similar outlook on life. At the same time, My mom also applied this to her upbringing of me, probably not wanting to make the same mistakes she saw her parents make. So I had quite a ‘lose’ upbringing often with me taking the role of being the one that was stronger in the relationship with my mom. One particular memory that springs in mind is how I as a teenager flat out refused to participate in the daily cleaning of our house and demanded to be paid if I was to lift as much as a pinky finger. My mom agreed. I know she felt weak and perhaps scared of me and that she didn’t have the strength to go up against me. So I got it the way I wanted. So what I learned and applied was the ‘knowing’ that if there was something I didn’t feel like doing, I didn’t have to. And I’ve stuck to this premise ever since. I initially didn’t take a university degree because I was scared, but I convinced myself that it was okay because that world wasn’t for me. Instead I took an education that I knew would be easy to walk through. Basically I always avoided and refused to participate in anything where I might risk losing or becoming a failure somehow – and the result was that I created a very limited reality for myself.
Today I still live out this pattern where I find myself refusing to do things, either because of fear or laziness or both. And as I’ve mentioned in the previous posts, in this refusal there’s a positive energetic experience of feeling in control of myself – but the basic starting-point is fear and negativity. So I will here go deeper into the premise of ‘saying no’ within having a look at resistance through refusal using ‘what I feel’ as a directive within which I live and apply myself in my daily life.
So I will here apply self-forgiveness on refusal as resistance in the context of saying no based on the justification of using what I feel as a directive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept ‘how I feel’ within and as the participation in emotions and feelings within me as a directive that I live according to where I have justified for myself that if I don’t feel like doing something I shouldn’t do it and that if I feel like doing something I should do it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust my feelings and emotions as a directive for how I live and move in this world without ever asking myself where these emotions and feelings come from, based on accepting and believing that emotions and feelings are ‘the true nature of me’ or ‘my self-honesty’ as has been celebrated by society as ‘intuition’ and ‘gut feelings’.
I forgive myself that I, through accepting and allowing myself to follow emotions and feelings as ‘how I feel’ as a directive, have screwed with my own sense of direction as self-honesty to the point where I have had and have no self-direction in self-honesty because I’ve allowed emotions and feelings to be my ‘compass’ of direction.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to invalidate and incapacitate my actual self-honesty through deliberately following emotions and feelings as ‘the truth of me’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how following emotions and feelings doesn’t in fact support me to do what is best for me, as I’ve proven to myself over and over – most specifically through ‘saying yes’ to things that I felt like doing and through which I created and manifested harmful and abusive consequences, not only for me but also for others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that feelings of resistance and fear are valid reasons for not saying yes to something in my world and my reality based on the premise and directive that I’ve accepted for myself of always leading myself according to and following emotions and feelings as my inner ‘compass’ in life.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to automate my relationships to resistance the point where I simply take it for granted that if I resist something it is a ‘sign’ that means that I shouldn’t do it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself and deceive myself into believing that whatever I feel is always righteous – without ever asking myself how I’ve created these feelings or emotions or why I experience that particular feeling and emotion
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the reason why I am following emotions and feelings as a directive that I live by is NOT as I have thought and justified because they represent ‘the truth of me’ but because I’ve accepted them as more than me, as more true than me and as such I’ve accepted myself as less than emotions and feelings in never ever questioning their validity or why and how I accept and allow myself to follow them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have an intrinsic right to refuse to do things that I don’t feel like doing and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to learn this from my mother, without taking my mother’s past into consideration in understanding why and how it is that my mother advocates following one’s emotions and feelings but instead through taking advantage of her disposition towards ‘doing what you feel like’ and basically exploit it in self-interest through which I eventually developed an entire living directive for myself that I automated and enslaved myself to
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have an intrinsic right to do what I feel like doing and not do what I don’t feel like doing and as such based the directive upon which I move myself in this world based on emotions and feelings, never ever considering the connection between my emotions and feelings and the practical consequences of the decisions that I’ve made based on emotions and feelings
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed a society of individual and collective brainwash where emotions and feelings are elevated as an advanced way of existing ‘in tune’ with oneself and the universe at a deeper level – not seeing, realizing or understanding how emotions and feelings are part of the same mind-consciousness-system that allows us to be rational and pragmatic
I forgive myself that I’ve never accepted or allowed myself to consider how ‘listening to your heart’ and ‘follow your heart’ accurately is defined as ‘listening to the physical/my body’ and ‘follow the physical’ as the heart is a physical organ located in our bodies and not an abstractly located fantasy-organ. As such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to miss the point of following my heart for real, as my real physical heart and being that has always been right here but that I was too busy to listen to because I was completely immersed in listening to a delusional and fictional ‘source of life’ within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how emotions and feelings always has an agenda of self-interest – namely the self-interest of the mind as who and what I’ve accepted myself as – and that as such, I don’t even know ‘who’ I am within and as emotions and feelings or in following emotions and feelings as a directive, because I always just accepted them to be ‘true’ and even more true than me here in and as the physical
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am experiencing resistance to do something or participate in something, that it is in fact me who is experiencing resistance and that this resistance is like ‘a more true’ version and voice of myself that is ‘signaling’ through the physically experienced feeling of resistance to ‘don’t go there’ – when in fact it is the emotions and feelings that are living and directing me and not me living or directing them – otherwise I would know how I created them and whether or not directing myself according to them would be best for me or not. But I don’t, I’ve just blindly followed my emotions and feelings without even considering the consequences or how the consequences are connected to me allowing myself to be directed by emotions and feelings
I will go up to here for now and will continue in the next post…
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