May 8, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
For the first time in a long time I don’t have anything in particular planned to write about. I have myself and a blank canvas before me. The plan was that I was going to continue writing about the relationship characters and dimensions, however in this blog I will be focusing specifically on my relationship with myself. As I sat down here with a cup of coffee and looked at what to write about, I realized that I’d made the commitment in my previous blog post to investigate my relationship to negativity. And since this is a point that I face on a daily basis, that is exactly what I will be writing about here.
I don’t quite realize when my relationship to negativity or rather myself as negativity started. It is like it has slowly progressed through the experiences I faced in life and through how I approached and handled (or didn’t handle these experiences.) Prevalent has been self-judgment, guilt, depression and self-hate. Anger is a negative emotion that I for many years suppressed and channeled into blame and punishment, of myself as well as of others. Perhaps I’ve been negative always – it makes sense in context to how we’ve as existence created this entire mess in the first place, always trying to compensate and filling gaps by digging holes.
Basically, to sum up for myself what this is all about – the fact is that I’ve accepted myself inherently and incessantly AS negativity, AS a gap, a hole, a void, lacking, not whole, not holy, wrong, dirty, bad, weird, incomplete, failing – anything that spins ‘who I am’ in a negative direction. Something fascinating that I’m just seeing now is that negativity literally means ‘lack of’. I just looked up the word ‘negative’ in an online etymological dictionary and there’s two definitions of the word, as either a noun or an adjective. That in itself is interesting considering how a noun expresses ‘who’ or ‘what’ something or someone IS while an adjective expresses something someone ‘does’.
- negative (adj.)
c.1400, “expressing denial,” from Old French negatif (13c.) and directly from Latin negativus “that which denies,” from negat-, past participle stem of negare “deny, say no” (see deny). Meaning “expressing negation” is from c.1500; that of “characterized by absence” is from 1560s. Algebraic sense is from 1670s. The electricity sense is from 1755.Negative Capability, that is when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. [John Keats, letter, Dec. 21, 1817]Related: Negatively.
- negative (n.)
late 14c., “a prohibition; absence, nonexistence; opposite,” from Old French negatif and directly from Latin negativus (see negative (adj.)). Meaning “a negative statement” is from 1560s. As a response, “I refuse, disagree, no,” from 1945. Meaning “a negative quality” is from 1640s. In mathematics, “a negative number,” from 1706. Photographic sense first recorded 1853.
Having a look at firstly the adjective – negativity is literally ‘that which denies’ or simply ‘deny’ or ‘say no’. As such a clue in investigating ‘who I am’ and ‘how I live’ AS negativity would be to investigate how I live and act in denial and saying no to myself – and to everyone else.
The noun on the other hand means ‘prohibition’, ‘nonexistence’ and ‘opposite’. I see how each of these characterizations is relevant in themselves and in fact has significant influence on how and as whom I’ve lived negativity. It is interesting because only yesterday I talked to my partner about how I’ve recently realized that I’ve been living with a vast amount of prohibitions or taboos. I found the realization astounding because when I was a teenager I made a mission out of breaking taboos. I had this idea that I would become free if I broke all the taboos in my mind. Unfortunately I was doing so by the ‘virtue’ of my ego – so that I could feel superior and as a consequence I compromised myself extensively because I created a belief that ‘breaking boundaries’ was indisputably ‘a good thing’.
So I realized that I hadn’t in fact broken or removed these prohibitions from my mind and that I still had loads of prohibitions. One in particular for example that I realized as I was writing my is how I’ve prohibited myself to belong to a certain ‘class’ or ‘price range’ when it comes to money. I’ve literally made it a taboo for myself to have money and the blogfeeling I’ve gotten when I’ve then ‘gone there’ – either in my mind or in the physical, was total religious shame and guilt feelings. I’ve literally made a religious dogma out of defining myself as belonging to a certain class or income group. Interestingly enough in its polarity, I’ve also struggled with additions, over-consumption and indulgence which is exactly the opposite of prohibition. And I realized that when something is prohibited, it is automatically charged with energy which makes it attractive and in consequence we then flock to the things that are us prohibited because of the very prohibition in itself.
Non-existence is another topic that I’ve had ‘issues’ with. For many years I’ve had a fear of not existing in many various ways and I can see a direct connection between this fear and the desire for attention, recognition and validation from others. So what I can see here is that for every point of existing in and as negativity, there’s the attempt to fill the gap or compensate for the apparent ‘hole’ I perceive myself as. Interesting also to note here that what is missing from the ‘hole’ to be complete as a ‘whole’ is the ‘w’ – and what does ‘w’ stand for? ‘WE’ or ‘WORLD’. So this is an interesting point in itself. With this it is also important to note that what I’m describing here as personal experiences, really are a part of the world system as a whole, meaning that the negativity that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as, is no different from what we’ve accepted as a whole at a global level and scale. The final word is ‘opposite’. This I see that I’ve lived in particular when it comes to participating in comparison, competition and self-judgment in my mind. I mean, self-judgment is in itself always about comparison, it is about something else or someone else (even ideas about oneself) being better or more than self. I’ve tried compensating for my existence as negativity in/as ‘opposite’ through various strategies – strategies of trying to fit in and be liked but also strategies of deliberately being in opposition and being against. I’ve used self-judgment extensively to suppress myself and to split myself in halves inside myself. This is also what I realized with the point of prohibition: when we prohibit something inside ourselves as taboos, we immediately create a split, like we try to ‘freeze out’ that part of ourselves by denying and ignoring it and in the process we create walls in our minds and bodies where we shield these parts of ourselves. The consequences are that we then live in secret and in hiding – even from ourselves, or rather especially from ourselves.
The strange thing about this negativity – is that I’ve chosen it for myself, at the very least after starting participating with Desteni and learning about polarities and about energy. Still, I’ve immersed myself in negativity – AS myself. It has become a habit, a comfort zone, a way of living and an easy direct way to generate constant energy for the mind to sustain itself – while keeping the body in a state of tension and suspension, like being constantly fried and electrocuted as a sacrifice for the mind to maintain its dominion over me.
In the next post, I will commence with self-forgiveness statements on the dimensions of myself as negativity that has come up in this blog post and I will further investigate who I am as negativity and why and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immerse myself into and as it, at the expense of myself as life, as the whole.
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