March 25, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog I will be prescribing statements for myself of self-commitment through which I will assist and support myself to change – specifically here within the context of the pattern of being hard on myself, being against myself and then projecting this onto another person from where I’d create a desire for this other person to ‘be there for me’, ‘support me’ and stand within and as a ‘team’ with me – all because I’ve not stood as that in/as myself.
Here are the previous posts in the series for further context of what I’ll be walking in this blog post:
- Compartmentalizing the Moral High Horse and the Rotten Self: DAY 192
- Does Being Hard on Myself make me a Good Person? DAY 191
- How do I Walk-With instead of Against Myself? DAY 190
- The Secret to a Fulfilling Relationship: DAY 189
- Save The Sinner! DAY 188
- How can I Establish Self-Integrity? DAY 187
- A Note on The Corruption of Self-Integrity: DAY 184
- Pure Evil Gone Goodie-Two-Faced
- Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182
It is interesting as I’ve mentioned in a previous blog – that I experience a resistance towards stopping being hard on myself. This resistance has been quite intense in that I last night as I was about to write the blog, I felt so immensely tired like I literally couldn’t keep my eyes open. And it doesn’t make any sense from a conscious perspective – meaning, I’m not consciously walking around thinking: “oh no, I don’t want to stop being hard on myself!!!” – I mean, it is actually quite absurd. So what I can see through common sensical deduction based on what I understand about the mind is that I resist stopping being hard on myself because I’ve used being hard on myself as a simultaneous self-sabotage and defense mechanism. When I look at the point in terms of its symbolism, it is like being hard on myself and being against myself gives me an enclosure where I am in a tight limited space of movement. When I then look at stopping being hard on myself, all I see is a vast landscape, no direction, just infinite space. Lol – so that’s what scares me – being unstoppable.
In stopping being hard on myself – ironically so – I also make a commitment to take responsibility for myself. It is much like the abusive parent that has mistreated their child, who now has to consider the effect this treatment has had on the child, a parent who is now entering into a process of re-education to become an effective parent. So I have to also look at how I treat myself and the consequences this has had. This really also shows why the mind is not to be trusted – because as I’ve mentioned, through this pattern I’ve really been walking against my own best interest, completely immersed in the mind, believing myself to be protecting myself against other human beings all the while I was like a mad dog gnawing on my own tail.
So it doesn’t make sense – it is certain fuzzy logic and not common sense: why would I fear caring for myself? But I do. Because then I become limitless – and then I have no excuse left. So that is actually the best place possibly I can be. If I care for myself, if I make the commitment to care for myself and take responsibility for myself and stand as an example inside myself – then if or as a point emerges of self-sabotage or compromise, I can’t run to the excuse of being hard on myself and then feeling victimized and punished and subsequently go into self-pity and depression. Once I stop limiting myself – I am no longer limited and I can’t use limits as an excuse.
So I know understand how being hard on myself is not valid or acceptable. I understand that I’ve been living against my own best interest and that this makes no sense. I understand that accepting an authority that wants me to live against my own best interest, is not an authority worth submitting to. I understand that I’ve delegated my own self-responsibility to the mind and made the mind the authority of me and that the mind is not equipped to be an authority. I understand that if I don’t reestablish myself as the authority based on the directive principle of what is best for all, I am leaving it up to the mind to direct me for me. So I will here begin the process of practically stopping being hard on myself, walking against myself and projecting this onto other people towards which I superimpose blame and desires. Through stopping being hard on myself I see how I open up my self-imposed enclosure through which I’ve justified my own captivity and limitation within and as the mind and as such I open myself up to stand responsible for myself but also to move myself beyond the limits I’ve accepted as enclosing me.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate backchat towards another person where I am blaming them for not giving me or being that for me which I want them to be, I stop myself and I flag this backchat and I simply stop participating. Because I now see, realize and understand that the only reason why I am blaming another is because I am using them as a scapegoat and as a mirror for what I am not giving to myself or reversely for what I am already accepting myself – and I see, realize and understand how this is an unacceptable way to live because within it, I am placing the responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing within myself and as myself onto another which is a classic relationship dynamic which we’ve used to always keep ourselves as arm’s length and never actually get to the bottom of or sort out why it is that we’re experiencing what we’re experiencing. So therefore – I commit myself to be diligent and disciplined within not accepting myself to participate in blame towards others and instead I commit myself to repurpose this blame to be a point of reflection from where I can see what I am separating myself from and as such take responsibility for the blame and stopping the blame.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in a desire/want/need towards another where I desire for them to do something for me or be something for me such as ‘supporting me’, ‘helping me’ or ‘standing as a team with me’ and where I’d create an experience of lacking this something that I long for the other person to provide – I stop myself. I stop participating immediately. Because I now see, realize and understand that the only reason why I’d desire for someone else to do or be something for me is because I’ve not been or done that for myself. So all this desire is actually showing me, is where to turn my attention within and as myself. Because I see, realize and understand now that any desire I have towards another will never ever be fulfilled in the context of completion and I see, realize and understand now that once a desire is fulfilled it simply morphs or changes direction and a new desire will emerge from within and as me towards the exact same point/expression or experience – because the point I was looking for/longing for wasn’t really ever outside myself – but always inside myself. So it is like that through this desire towards others, I can actually hear myself calling to myself from beyond a self-imposed veil/wall. So therefore – I commit myself to be diligent and disciplined in bringing my desires back to myself and I am grateful to experience the desires because through them I get to see quite clearly what it is off and as myself that I am separating myself from and so I commit myself to repurpose my desires to be gifts that I can bring back to myself and in turning back to myself I can finally stop chasing elusive fantasies.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and experience resistance towards stopping being against myself – I gently and firmly direct myself back here to the commitment to stopping being hard on myself because I now see, realize and understand that the reason why I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist stopping being hard on myself is because I’ve stood as an endorsement of and an affiliate of the mind and thus the mind’s agenda of survival – while in the process being to my own detriment. As such I see, realize and understand that when I am accepting and allowing myself to resist stopping being hard on myself and being against myself, I am actually acting like a kidnap victim with Stockholm syndrome; I am endorsing my captors and have come to feel more comfortable in my captivity – the difference however is that I’m also the one who elicited my own kidnapping to begin with. So I see, realize and understand that it is of no use to try to negotiate with the resistance – in fact, this merely prolongs the resistance through which I’d accumulate even more resistance. So therefore I commit myself to push through the resistance to stopping being hard on myself – as I see, realize and understand that as long as I accept and allow myself to live in and as this resistance I am living literally against what is best for me. As such I commit myself to sober myself up through supporting myself in writing and listening to interviews and bringing my awareness here to my physical body and breath as I walk about my day.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in self-judgment and self-nagging as the constancy and consistency of the pattern in and through which I’ve lived being hard on myself and being against myself that I’ve come to accept a form of comfortability towards in accepting that “this is me. I am being good through being hard on myself because it shows that I feel bad and that I am thus a moral being.” I now see, realize and understand that I’ve used guilt, feeling bad about myself, judging myself, feeling pity and being hard on myself all as schemes to not change and to justify not changing myself and stepping out of the mind – and I see, realize and understand now that the solution to this is that I stop endorsing the mind through accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts/desires/fears and backchat. I see, realize and understand also that since I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immerse myself in being hard on myself as a daily encompassing acceptance of “who I am” – I require changing my starting-point from within and which I see and experience myself – as I’ve not disclosed for myself that this starting-point of being hard on myself is not alone useless but also deceptive in that it has the opposite effect of what it present itself as. As such, I commit myself to walk a process of getting to know myself and to begin caring for myself – based on the common sense deduction that when I am best for me, I am best for all – so not based on any form of idea about my goodness or badness but simply based on a practical deduction. If I want a peaceful, harmonic, cool co-existence in this reality – I have to start with myself. If I am raging war inside myself, how I can I claim to be against war? To be against suffering? To be against the abuse of innocent lives? I can’t. Because I’m not.
I will continue with self-corrective statements in my next post.
In the meantime I will practice what I’ve here preached which firstly mean to stop participation in the pattern of being hard on myself and being against myself. Then I will also look at the point of self-care, which I first and foremost see is a point of allowing myself to be comfortable in my human physical body. That’s it.
Thanks for walking with.
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Compartmentalizing the Moral High Horse and the Rotten Self: DAY 192(annabrixthomsen.com)
Does Being Hard on Myself make me a Good Person? DAY 191(annabrixthomsen.com)
Day 345: The Secrets of Slaves(journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com)
How do I Embrace The Shame of Who I Am as Taking Life for Granted? DAY 177(annabrixthomsen.com)
Day 344: Rising from the Ashes of Burnout(journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com)
Save The Sinner! DAY 188(annabrixthomsen.com)
I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170(annabrixthomsen.com)