March 21, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
We are continuing with the relationship series from where we left off in the previous post where we further distinguished how to bring a point of desire one has towards a partner, back to oneself. So as I’ve mentioned in the previous posts, I’ve had a very intense desire to ‘be a team’ with my partner and for my partner to ‘help’ and ‘support’ me. Something that I’ve mentioned and that is quite revealing is that this desire has been present in all my relationships – so when I say ‘my partner’ it is not even a specific person, but more an archetypical partner – because the common denominator in my relationships is: me. So when I brought this desire back to myself – meaning, when I looked at: “Where am I living this in myself?” I found that I’ve actually being living and walking explicitly ‘against’ myself instead of walking for/with myself and it is as such that the desire for ‘teamwork’ and ‘being supported’ has emerged – because I wasn’t giving it to myself and I was separating myself from myself as the origin of my own experiences and as such I projected this ‘lack’ onto another, outside of me and thus separate from me, not unlike an (e)scape-goat.
So in my last post I started asking myself some questions to get more into depth with the point of walking/living against myself as I have applied self-forgiveness but I’ve found that the point was not yet specifically laid out as this point of walking against myself is quite vast in terms of how I’ve lived it throughout my life. So in this post we will walk each of the questions in more detail and accordingly bring them to self-forgiveness and self-correction so that I can stop looking for fulfillment and acceptance outside myself and instead stand as the source and origin of myself in full responsibility.
Here are the previous posts in the series for further context of what I’ll be walking in this blog post:
- How do I Walk-With instead of Against Myself? DAY 190
- The Secret to a Fulfilling Relationship: DAY 189
- Save The Sinner! DAY 188
- How can I Establish Self-Integrity? DAY 187
- A Note on The Corruption of Self-Integrity: DAY 184
- Pure Evil Gone Goodie-Two-Faced
- Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182
- Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181
The first question I will be looking at is the following:
As Who/how am I not living self-help?
So when I want my partner to help me and I think that he’s not helping me enough, it is with a distinct experience that he should be more considerate and catering to my needs. Within this I’ve also found a distinct female personality point because in some cases where my partner does not help me are with such points where I’ve defined it as ‘natural’ that the male in a relationship does this thing, like fixing things or carrying heavy things. And so when my partner does not help me with that, I’m actually being confronted with my own self-imposed limitation that is most often not founded in practicality. So that’s quite interesting. Because what I’ve found in many of these situations is that I was asking for help because I was strategically placing myself in the position of the ‘damsel in distress’ to generate some relationship dynamic of feeling frail and fragile so that the man could be the savior of the day. And so what I’ve experienced in these situations if my partner does not help me, is that I can’t live out my ‘role’ and I’ve felt insecure as to whether he really loved me, because this dynamic between males and females is one I’ve defined as very positive and so when he did not help me, I took it as a sign of how little I was worth to him – all the while he was actually in many cases saying: “you can do it yourself.” So I’ve actually discovered self-proficiency and don’t often step into this trap anymore. I simply do things myself until I simply can’t and require assistance. So that is one dynamic of asking for help – but the other one is where I believe that he should help me and know when to help me and he should want to help me out of the ‘goodness of his heart’ and in that care for me.
So that’s what I’ll be looking at in terms of bringing it back to myself.
As I walk my day, I am generally quite hard on myself, very self-critical and have this Idea that I must constantly push myself not to slack. And I do have a tendency to slack. But the ‘pushing’ is not really helping, quite the contrary. So it’s the classic story of the child being raised by a strict and merciless parent, who starts doing bad stuff in secret, to not get caught and be reprimanded.
So within this, I have basically lived as two different people inside the same body, where the one has been the ‘bad side’ where I’d act in urges to for example slack or overindulge or judge others. And the other is the ‘good side’ that is then like a morally superior overlord (I’ve written about this before) that has total prerogative to judge the first personality. And you know what? I’ve played this out in my relationship with others as well. So if I have a look at my inner dynamic in context to the point, it is not unlike being two people inside myself.
And the reason why I’ve not simply stopped being hard on myself is because I’ve liked being hard on myself. I feel better about myself when I am hard on myself. I feel more moral and thus morally superior when I am hard on myself. And within this I see that I’ve developed a personality believing that I must contain, restrain and censor myself because the ‘real me’ is ‘evil’ and ‘bad’ and ‘immoral’. What is interesting is that the latter is not untrue, but it is the way I’ve handled myself that has been ineffective. A proper solution would thus be to take myself in the hand and walk myself unconditionally to a correction and realignment of these parts and aspects of myself where I for example slack – which is something I’ve been doing increasingly over the last couple of months, meaning taking myself in the hand to change. However I see an imperative for sure in walking the point of being deliberately hard on myself and letting go of that because it certainly does not fulfill a practical purpose in terms of me supporting myself.
Something I find quite interesting is that I did not grow up with overly strict parents or teachers at all. In fact I found them quite soft and often too soft in how they would merely let it be up to me to make decisions. I also remember that my mom tried being strict but it did’nt really work. So in looking at where this point of being deliberately hard on myself comes from, all that I can see is that it’s a decision I’ve taken when I was a teenager where I decided to ‘get my shit together’ but really I was reacting and judging myself and I was scared of the possible consequences if I continued my reckless behavior. And I see how I made this decision to be hard on myself as a precaution in the fuzzy logic that “If I am hard on myself first, others can’t be and that’s better – at least I am in control.” Obviously I can see now that this makes no sense.
So I don’t help or support myself and I am not on a team with myself because I believe that I need to and have to be against myself in order to control and contain myself based on a judgment and belief that I am evil and bad and that this is the way to deal with it. The result has not being that I’ve stopped slacking for example, but that I’ve instead started hiding from myself even more to avoid my own scrutiny and self-judgment – it’s quite fucked up. So I am now certain that being hard on myself serves no practical purpose because it doesn’t work the way it was intended. Therefore I will here walk a process through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to release myself from this particular pattern and personality-aspect.
I will go up to here for now because I have to go to work – so in my next post I will continue with self-forgiveness statements.